Category: 10 to Track

TGIGF!   Fridays, we take a turn from our traditional ‘ten best games to follow for the newish American soccer fan’ and trot the globe.

We’re actually going to stay pretty Euro-centric here today.  But fear not!  By journey’s end, you’ll get a new passport stamp, Noobites.

1. Chelsea vs. Hull City – English FA Cup

The Fifth Round Proper continues.  16 teams remain.

Noob almost wonders if Hull City won’t put their full focus on this match.  The Championship League (second-tier) Tigers are only one slot above the Relegation line.

It would be understandable if they didn’t throw all their starters and energies into a match they’re unlikely to win no matter what.  Save their mojo for not getting The Boot down to League One.

RESULT:   Chelsea   4-0      Well, that escalated quickly.

Not their real crest, but awww!   Cute widdle keetee!

B.  Leicester City vs. Sheffield United – English FA Cup

Sheffield Utd. are having a lovely season.  They were only promoted to the second tier Championship League this year, and are a little above midpack.   And they might be catching Leicester at just the right time, as the host team hasn’t won in three straight matches.

RESULT:   Leicester   1-0

Noob’s big on Scrabble, so this is a truly lovely setting for Number B.

3. Monarcas Morelia vs. Lobos de la BUAP – Liga MX

Dan the Intern-o Inferno digs the BUAP.  But the Lobos are BUAP-ing things up here early in the Clausura (second half-season).  After finishing 10^th in the Apertura, they’re struggling on defense and in second-to-last.

Noob’s all in with BUAP today, too, since they’re facing the dreaded Monarcas.  Stick with your other nickname, Canaries.   No royalty in Mexico.  Representative democracy!   Noob will go all crazytown over this until it’s changed.  C’mon, hombres.   I’m not even pulling for the Trumpian Wall to be built.  So Noob a solid here.

RESULT:   Morelia   2-1      Lowly BUAP actually scored first, but to no avail.

4. Glenavon vs. Crusaders – Northern Irish Premier

Things are pretty well settled in Northern Ireland.  Crusaders are in 1^st and up five points on #B.  Catchable?  Sure.  Likely at this late stage?  Not really.  They’re going to be the league’s Champions League rep.

Glenavon are in 3^rd, in line for one of the league’s two Europa League berths.  They’re not catching #B, nor are Linfield likely to pass them from #4.

This could be an entertaining one if one can find it on the interwebs somewhere.  Crusaders score like crazy, and for a top team, Glenavon sure like digging out balls from the back of their net.

RESULT:     ppd

5. HIFK vs. Honka – Finland FA Cup

The Group Stage continues.  HIFK finished 11^th in last year’s Veikkausliga, the country’s top division.  They are in 1st in their Group, but only because they’ve played one more game than the nation’s greatest team.

Honka finished #B in the second division and are being promoted.  Here, they are in 4th and need a couple wins for a chance at advancing.

RESULT:   Honka   3-2      Upset!

6. Fortuna Sittard vs. Telstar – Dutch Eerste Divisie

These two are in 3^rd and 5^th-place respectively in The Netherland’s second division.  If the season ended yesterday, they’d both be in the league Promotion Playoffs.

In truth, this is a three-team league in terms of real power.  Sittard isn’t going anywhere.  Telstar scores like no one else – in a good way – but can’t defend a lick.   This is going to catch up with them starting today.   Noob doesn’t think they’ll even make those playoffs.

RESULT:   1-1

You’re about to be wearing green shorts, Telstar.

7. Cremonense vs. Bari – Serie B

Things in Italy’s second division are very tight.  The top two sides will get promoted to A Series at season’s end.  The next six will play Promotion playoffs.  These two are 5^th and 7^th, but a whopping seven clubs are within five points of Bari.

RESULT:   Bari   0-1

8. Bengaluru vs. Pune City – India Super League

#1 hosts #2.  Kara sev for everyone!  Top for clubs will make the league playoffs.

This one of India’s two pyramid level one-leagues.  The other – the I-League –  is really more a part of the pyramid.  They participate with another league in promotion/relegation.  Super League is more of a “promotional league”.

RESULT:   1-1

Never mind about the snack suggestion.   Looks like old Kibble ‘n’ Bits.

9. Ramtha vs. Al-Jazeera – Jordan Premier

Only one team from here qualifies for AFC Champions League.  Ramtha are tied in the table with #1 Al-Wehdat, but down on goal differential.  Al-Jazeera is next, trailing them by just three points.  They will trail by six shortly.  Ramtha plays the league’s best defense.

RESULT:   0-0

10. Nouadhibou vs. Nouakchott King – Mauritania Ligue 1

Welcome, Noobites, to the western Sahara!

The hosts are #B in the league right now.  They’ve won four titles since their founding in 1999.  The visitors are in 7^th.

RESULT:   Nouadhibou   1-0

Nouadhibou – come for the footyball, stay for the world’s largest ship graveyard.

Monday, we choose NOT to fight against the shadow you cast.  We embrace it!  How?   By turning a few degrees from our usual ’10 most important matches for the newish American soccer fan’ and taking time to appreciate teams about to get the boot from their leagues.

It’s like blues music, Noobites.  It can feel awesome to feel sad.

1. Chelsea vs. West Bromwich – English Premier League

Defending champions Chelsea have dropped three in a row and into 5^th place.  Since only top four make Champions League, they should be sounding the panic button.  Provided they don’t treat this as a gimme, they’re welcoming last place West Brom in at the perfect time.

Fun Fact:  One of the West Brom mascots is “Baggie Bird”.

RESULT:   Chelsea   3-0

Everything about those shorts is…troubling.

B.  Real Betis vs. La Coruña – La Liga

Real Betis netted a nice win over 5^th-place Villareal in their last match, so should be confident as they try to climb to a top-half finish (from 11^th).

La Coruña stinks like tuna casserole left out unrefrigerated overnight.  How they’re only in second-to-last place is beyond Noob, the way they get thumped.  Are you even worthy of the Number B slot, LC?

RESULT:   RB   1-2      had the home and away teams turned around

Number B is for everyone, a gift of grace.

3. Estoril vs. Moreirense – Primeira Liga

Nearly a Portuguese Relegation double feature.

Estoril are making a desperate push to get out of the Drop Zone!  They’ve won the last two matches, including an absolute stunner over powerhouse FC Porto.  And so they’ve climbed into a tie for last, which is only a point behind the visitors today.

Fun Fact:  During WWII, the town of Estoril was a hub for spies.

RESULT:   Estoril   1-2      From the Drop Zone to 13th – it’s a Relegation Monday miracle!  (had the home and way turned around)

4. Hobro vs. AGF Aarhus – Danish Superliga

Denmark’s top league is 14 clubs deep.  Top six will make title playoffs, all others will play a Relegation-avoidance tournament.  Hobro are tied for 6^th, so this and every match are vital to them.  AFG are in 11^th.  Given their lack of offense, they won’t be climbing higher.

Fun Fact:  Aarhus is Denmark’s second-largest city.  (Noob’d never heard of it before getting into footyball.)

RESULT:   Aarhus   0-1     Never mind that both clubs stayed in the same slots in the table – it’s more Relegation Madness!

The “Infinite Bridge”, Aarhus

5. Piast Gliwice vs. Jagiellonia Bialystok – Poland Ekstraklasa

This league is like Denamrk’s – half the teams (eight) play for the title, half will play for the right to remain in the top flight next year.

The top half of the table is super tight, so 4^th-place JB is playing for postseason seeding.  The bottom four are also very close in points, so last-place PG could climb a few places.  They actually play pretty okay defense, so who knows!

Fun Fact:  One of Piast Gliwice’s nicknames is “The Nurses”.

RESULT:   1-2

6. Alki Oroklinis vs. AEL Limassol – Cypriot First Division

The regular season is Cyprus is nearing conclusion.  The top six teams are already decided, and they will play for the league title.  AEL is in 6^th, but could climb a notch before the playoffs.  Oroklinis is in 10^th, could climb or drop one notch easily before their Relegation Round.

RESULT:   AEL   2-4

Noob knows he’s not fully right in the head.

But admit it, there’s something creepy about those dangling, dead-legs.

7. Hapoel Be’er Sheva vs. FC Ashdod – Israeli Premier

Things look much the same here as in Cyprus.  Be’er Sheva is in 3^rd and have qualified for the league playoffs.  Ashdod are in 12^th, preparing for the Relegation Round.  They play the best defense of those in the bottom quartile of this league, but that won’t help them today.

Fun Fact:  Ashdod is maybe the only team in the league to not be tied to an Israeli sports association (ie: Hapoel, Macabbi, Beitar).

RESULT:   HBS   2-0

8. Lija Athletic vs. Valletta – Malta Premier

Welcome back to the Track, Malta, it’s been a while!  For some reason, your top league was dropped on coverage by one of Noob’s primary scouting sources.  You will be ignored no longer.

Lija – you, on the other hand, will soon be ignored for not being in this league.  Five points in the table in 18 matches.   What’s Maltese for “crap-tastic”?  Valletta wouldn’t know, given they’re #B in the league.

Fun fact:  Lija is a village of merely ~3000.   Pretty good they’ve even gotten to the Premier League three times ever.

RESULT:   Valletta   1-3

Lija Church

Noob’s weak on art history, but thinking Baroque.

9. Mohun Bagan vs. Gokulam – I-League

Gokulam are in last place, but full disclosure: they’ve played fewer matches than any team in the league.  Still, they might stay there.   They have only achieved four results (wins or draws) all season.  9^th-place Chennai City have gotten nine results, even if in three more games.  MB are in 4^th.

Fun Fact:  The English name for Gokulam’s home city is Calicut.  There, it is known as Kozhikode.   That’s close…

RESULT:   Gokulam   0-1      Drop zone no more!   

10. Al-Duhail vs. Zob Ahan – AFC Champions League

Asia’s Champions League begins its Group Stage, and Noob wears the sadpants.  Defending Champions and Noob-Adopted Urawa Red Diamonds are not here to defend their title.

But we soldier on!  Al-Duhai won last year’s Qatar Stars League.  Zob Ahan finished just 4^th in Iran’s Persian Gulf Pro League, had to play a qualifying round to get to Group.  More, they’re only here at all because the #B Iranian league team wasn’t granted a federation license.

RESULT:   Duhail   3-1

“Whaddya mean no Urawa??”

Tenured Noobites knew The Situation would be upset.

Saturday, 2/10

1. Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Arsenal – English Premier League

Noob-reviled Hotspur is making a push towards the top four in the table.  They’ve not lost to any team besides runaway champions-to-be Man City since November, and are now just a point behind foundering Chelsea.

Up-and-down Arsenal are in 6^th.  Losses to Bournemouth and lowly Swansea have put a cramp in their style.

RESULT:   Hotspur   1-0

Arsenal stars’ prep school style. 

Suits by Lanvin.

B.  León vs. Puebla – Liga MX

The hosts are in 9^th here early in the Clausura (second half-season), about where they finished the Apertura.  But they’re playing some of the worst defense in the league.  After a 15^th place finish, Puebla are way up in 6^th.

Noobstradamus had a vision regarding this game.  He recommends we put all our yams on Puebla getting the road win, 1-2.

RESULT:   León   2-1

“Numero B.”

Repite!

3. Lazio vs. Napoli – Serie A

Italy’s top league is a two-horse race.  Juventus just passed Napoli for the top spot in the table, but have played one more game.

Serie A gets four Champions League berths, so 3^rd place is fine with Lazio.  But they’re in a tight race with two other clubs for those final two C.L. slots.  Noob doesn’t think they have the defensive chops to get it done, today or going forward.

This may be the best match in the world this weekend, and it’s going to give us another road-winner.

RESULT:   Lazio   4-1     Or  Lazio might thrown them an utter beatdown…

4. Bayern Munich vs. Schalke 04 – Bundesliga

Bayern are a whopping 15 points up on the field.  1^st place is settled.

The match means a ton to Schalke, however.  They are in a tie for 4^th and Germany’s last league invite to Champions League.  And they lose the tiebreaker with Dortmund right now.  As much as Dortmund has struggled since their season’s hot start, Schalke just doesn’t score enough to overtake them.

Noob’s call is Bayern 2-0.

RESULT:   Bayern   2-1

The tables will turn.

5. Qaraba vs. Qabala – Azerbaijan Premier

UEFA ranks this league 23^rd out of 55.  Noob’s been lax in putting some of these leagues’ inclusions into perspective.   They only get one Champions League invite, and Qarabag is lined up for it (again).  They give up fewer than half a goal per game on average.

Qabala sports the league’s best offense, but on the road a win’s probably not in the cards.

RESULT:   0-0

6. FCSB vs. Cluj – Romania Liga I

This league ranks two spots higher with UEFA.  And we get another #B vs. #1!  Both have already qualified for the league’s postseason playoffs.  But they’re only two points apart in the table for the regular season title.  FCSB has trouble winning close, so they want a shootout today.

RESULT:   1-1

Put the Wasr-10 Ak-47 down, Romanian d00d. 

This is not what Noob meant and you know it.

7. Espérance vs. Etoile du Sahel – Tunisia Ligue 1

More #1 versus #B?  Yes, please!  The hosts are undefeated, have built up a big lead at the halfway mark of the season.  Du Sahel is in a dogfight with coolly-named Sfaxien for B^th and the other African Champions League berth.

In a league where defense seems the emphasis. Espérance does it well, plus they’re the only team flirting with scoring two goals per game.

Honorable Mention:   Any Scottish Cup Round of 16 match, any Finnish FA Cup match, Independiente vs. San Lorenzo (Argentina),  Melbourne City vs. Sydney FC (Australia), Osijek vs. Dinamo Zagreb (Croatia), El Nacional vs. Emelec, (Ecuador), Coleraine vs. Glenavon (Northern Ireland)

RESULT:     game is now listed for 2/15

Sunday, 2/11

8. Southampton vs. Liverpool – English Premier League

Southampton might be the quirkiest team in EPL.  They don’t settle in for defensive slogs, yet have ended up with more draws than most other teams.  They’re in 15^th, near the top of a huge glut of clubs all trying to finish above the bottom three (Relegation).

Liverpool are in 3^rd, staying afloat even after selling their superstar midseason.  Both teams benefit enough from a draw today; Noob’s thinking 1-1.

RESULT:   Liverpool   0-2

Staying afloat in the syrupy waters of Lake Butterworth.

9. Manchester City vs. Liverpool – Women’s Super League

1^st place hosts 3^rd in the women’s version of Premiere.  The top two get into women’s Champions League.  Noob doesn’t believe there’s an equivalent to Europa League out there.

It’s early in their season, but Man City and Chelsea look to be in a league of their own.  Liverpool look like the only team that could challenge them.  But they don’t find the back of the net enough to do so.

RESULT:   Man City   4-0

10. Veracruz vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Noob, these teams are in 13^th and 14^th place.  Why include them when there are so many high-quality games from other parts of the world that could appear here on the weekend?   Poignant question, self.  A little simple philosophy of the site here…

Noob exists to help newish American fans get to know the teams and leagues of the world.  But there’s a hierarchy in my mind.  American professional play, English, Mexican, then continental European and South American.  That’s the pecking order I work with in a general sense.  Every day there’s at least one game offered from either of those first three, one’s getting featured from there.  No exceptions.  Noob thinks local.

And so, here we are!  And Pachuca’s gone nuts.   They’ve scored more goals than any team in the Clausura, but given up as many.  Veracruz is likely to get relegated when the year’s done.

RESULT:   Pachuca   0-1

Honorable Mention:   Irish Super Cup, any Scottish Cup Round of 16 match, Atromitos vs. Olympiacos (Greece), Istanbul vs. Fenerbahce (Turkey), Apollon Limassol vs. AEK Larnaca (Cyprus), Sanarate vs. Siquinala (Guatemala), Motagua vs. Marathon (Honduras), Peñarol vs. River Plate (Uruguay), Sunshine Stars vs. Kano Pillars (Nigeria)

Noob’s usual “ten most important games for us, the newish American fans” takes its usual Friday detour into Globetrotting!   We start out with important matches in important league, but then delve into soccer countries, leagues less-known.   Giddyup, beasts of burden!

1. Morelia vs. UNAM Pumas – Liga MX

UNAM finished in last place for the 2017-18 Apertura (first half-season), but what a difference a short break can make!   Very early here in the Clausura (second half-season, they’re in a three-way tie for 1^st.

Morelia are just a point back, but have been a bit down on offense so far.  Noob hopes the “Monarchs” continue their goal-scoring woes today.  No royalty in Mexico!

RESULT:   UNAM   1-2

B.  T.N.S. vs. Bangor City – Welsh Premier

The New Saints have an 11-point lead in the table, have all but wrapped up another title.  This match is much more important to B.C.  They are in 3^rd place, one spot out of a guaranteed Europa League berth.

RESULT:   TNS   3-0

St. George’s dragon protects worthy Number B.

3. RoPS vs. AC Oulu – Finland FA Cup

Group Stage going on here, five pods of six teams each.  Top two from each will advance to the Knockout Round.

These two are tied with one other side for #B.  Both finished decently in their respective leagues last year, but RoPS are top-flight while Oulu is Bth-division (pronounced “beeth”).

RESULT:   1-1

4. Östersunds vs. Trelleborgs – Swedish FA Cup

The first two rounds are in the books, and now it’s time for the Group Stage to begin.  Trelleborgs is being promoted to the top division this coming season, but should be well overmatched by their high-level tier-one hosts.

RESULT:   Õstersunds   3-0

Maybe not quite this overmatched.

5. AC Ajaccio vs. Lorient – Ligue 2

Top two teams in France’s B^th (second, if you must) division get auto-promoted at season’s end.  Next we find Ajaccio, tied with another club, and then Lorient.  As things stand, they’ll both be a part of a promotion playoff for the third berth into Ligue 1 next year.

RESULT:   ACA   3-2

6. Telstar vs. Jong Ajax – Dutch Eerste Divisie

The top team will get auto-promoted at the end of the year.  The next eight will have a Promotion playoff for the other berth into Netherlands’ best league.

Jong Ajax is #B in the standings, but is ineligible for promotion, being a bigger club’s reserve team.  Telstar are in 4^th, despite a meager goal differential of only +2.  The Ajax scrubs are going to feast and get a nice road win here.

RESULT:   3-3

But historical reenactors feast at Bob Evans.  

Sad and fitting.

7. Kawasaki Frontale vs. Cerezo Osaka – Japan Super Cup

This is an exhibition that directly precedes the start of the coming new league season, as is the case with so many Super Cups around the world.

Kawasaki won the 2017 J1 League on goal differential over defending champs Kashima.  Cerezo Osaka finished 3^rd, is in this match by virtue of having won the Emperor’s Cup (FA Cup, basically).

RESULT:   Cerezo Osaka   2-3

8. Saipa vs. Zob Ahan – Persian Gulf Pro League

The top three teams make Asia’s Champions League.  These two are tied for #B.  #1 Persepolis is far out of reach.  Foolad Khuzestan is lurking just a point behind them, waiting to steal a slot.  Noob wonders if perhaps both might get passed eventually.  Good offenses, but porous defenses.

RESULT:   Saipa   4-2      this match was played the day before

9. Esteghlal Khuzestan vs. Foolad Khuzestan – Persian Gulf Pro League

The battle for the province of Khuzestan is on!   They even both play in the same city and stadium.  They differ, well, widely in ability though.  Foolad is in 4^th while E.K. is in position to be relegated if they don’t get their poop together.

RESULT:   0-0

10. Al Nasar vs. Al Kuwait – Kuwait Premier

The visitors are #1, and they have no real competition.  Al Nasar is midpack, will be doing well to keep this within a goal, even at home.

RESULT:  Al Kuwait   0-1

Actual bubble-soccer game in Kuwait.

What better day of the week than Monday to embrace the darkness that looms over teams at the bottoms of their leagues!   Let’s show them some love before they’re unceremoniously given The Boot to lower divisions.

First, though, Noob starts you off with three matches that matter for happier reasons.

1. Watford vs. Chelsea – English Premier League

The bottom half of the table is very tight.  11^th-place Watford lead the pack of also-rans, would need to fall apart here on out to get Relegated.

Chelsea, meanwhile, are in 4^th place and in line for the league’s last Champions League berth.  They’re only a point behind Liverpool and a little safety.  But how will they bounce back after the 0-3 drubbing they took to Noob’s beloved Bournemouth fighting Cherries a few days ago?

RESULT:   Watford   4-1      Chelsea went down a man to two yellow cards at about the 30′ mark.

B.  Olympique Lyonnais vs. Montpelier – French Division 1

Welcome to the Track, French ladies!  Noob honors your arrival by placing you under esteemed Number B.

Lyon’s gals are a world power.  They’re 19-0-0 this season.  They’ve outscored league opponents a mind-boggling 63-2.  They scare the pastry out of Noob.

Still, Montpelier are in 3^rd, with only two losses blemishing their own mark this year.  They’re one of only two other league teams to even have a positive goal differential.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-1

Hardcore, fiery Number B can help you make a grand entrance.

3. Raja Casablanca vs. Ittihad Tanger – Morocco Botola Pro

The top two teams from this league qualify for the next African Champions League.  And what a battle it is for those slots.

RC is in 3^rd, just two points behind #B Tanger.  They, in turn, are only two points out of 1^st.  The home side today needs to get out of the gates quickly, control tempo at home.  Tanger sports the best defense in the league.

Fun Fact:  Whether struggling or not, RC has always been known as an “artistic” club, basing it’s play on pretty short pass-combinations.

RESULT:   ppd

4. Las Palmas vs. Málaga – La Liga

It’s like Halley’s Comet going by!  Second-to-last hosts last place on a Monday.  Since three teams get Relegated out of Spain’s top league, it’s looking more and more certain these two are Segunda division-bound.

Noob has a thing for island-based teams, and Las Palmas is in the Canary Islands.  What would be their key to winning, maybe even escaping the Drop Zone?  Playing any kind of defense.  They’ve given up 50 goals in their 21 league matches, second-worst in the league.

Fun-ish Fact:  Due to financial problems, Málaga secured a Qatari sheikh as owner in 2010.

RESULT:   Las Palmas   1-0

Sheikh, when your second chin is that big, the beard just can’t help.

5. Platanias vs. Apollon Smirnis – Superleague Greece

We almost got two in a row!  The hosts are in last, but the visitors sit just outside Relegation, courtesy of goal differential tiebreaker with the 15^th place team.

Platanias have both scored the fewest and given up the most goals in the league.  At least they’re at home today.

Fun Fact:  Platanias play on three different home pitches.

RESULT:   1-1

6. CFR Cluj vs. Concordia Chiajna – Romania Liga I

Romania’s top six make the league’s playoffs.  Everyone else plays to avoid Relegation.

Cluj are #B and have mathematically already qualified to play for the title.  Anything but a win and 11^th-place Chiajna is set for the Relegation Round.

RESULT:   Cluj   2-0

Fun, Scary Fact:  Chiajna’s nickname is the Vulturii.  They are vampires.

The Management apologizes for this bald-faced lie.  Obviously this is the Volturi coven from the “Twlight” saga of films, books.  This is not a Romanian soccer team.  Please try and enjoy the rest of this post.  Sincerely – The Management

I still can’t believe how worked up you get.  I just want people to make fun of you for droning on about anything Twilight.  Again.

The Management:  Well-played, ass-hat.

Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you don’t need to shut up, The Management.

7. Macabbi Petach Tikva vs. Hapoel Ashkelon – Israeli Premier

Ashkelon are all but mathematically certain to finish in the bottom eight of the league and play in the Relegation Round.  Petach Tikva are up in 8^th, yet far enough out of 6^th that they’ll be in the RR, too, just with better seeding.

Fun Fact:  Ashkelon has a habit of signing pairs of Argentinian players.

RESULT:   MPT   3-0

8. MAT Tétouan vs. Rapide Club Oued Zem – Morocco Botola Pro

Last place hosts 11^th as we return to Morocco.  Tétouan have only one league win on the season.  That won’t change unless they can start finding the back of the net more often than once every other match.

Fun Fact:  Harkening back to colonial days, MAT used to play in the Spanish leagues.  They are the only African team to ever play in a European top -flight division.

RESULT:   ppd

picturesque Tétouan

9. Temperley vs. Talleres – Argentina Premier

Noob’s also been referring to this as Superliga Argentina.  It’s crazytown trying to figure out which league names are general yet official versus when the name changes with a league title sponsor in play.

Regardless, Temperley may not have to worry about it lots longer.  They’re entrenched in the bottom four, based on the current league season results combined with those of the last couple seasons.  That’s how they determine who gets the boot there.  Talleres are in 3^rd, and Noob thinks they’ll finish even higher.

Not Fun, But Interesting Fact, I:  In the 1990’s, Temperley was shut down for two years over owing the player’s association $400k USD.

RESULT:   Talleres   0-1

10. Chacarita Juniors vs. Velez Sarsfield – Argentina Premier

Let’s double dip!  Chacarita are even more certain to get demoted at season’s end.  Hosting a team only in 16^th gives them at least a puncher’s chance today.

Not Fun,But Interesting Fact, II:  Chacarita had 10 points deducted from them in the table in the 1980’s once, which made the difference between them staying up or getting Relegated.  Why?  Hooliganism!

RESULT:   Chacarita   2-0       It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Apparently these Argentinian hooligans didn’t put the lotion in the basket…

Noobites, your passports are gonna be more stamped today than a white trash tramp’s lower back.   We’re spanning the globe!

Most days, ‘the ten most important games’ for us, the newish American soccer fans, see us focused on North America and Europe “big” leagues.   Friday’s we trot the globe.  Come, see what Noob means.

1. Atlas vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

This is the Clausura, the second half-season of the 2017-18 season.  Atlas barely sneaked into the Apertura (first half-season) postseason in 8^th place.  Cruz Azul finished 6^th.

Now, Atlas is struggling mightily at both ends of the field, 0-0-4.  Cruz Azul has earned three draws in four matches by playing “small ball” (only six goals total have been scored in their matches).

Noobstradamus is getting his prognostication on early today!   I’m predicting Atlas gets the first and only goal.

RESULT:    Atlas   2-1      Nailed it!   OK, not quite

Fun Fact:   Did you know beach-bought Chiclets are NOT the best Chiclets?

B.  KuPS vs. AC Kajaani – Finnish Cup

Finland’s FA Cup is in its Group Stage.  Now the 22 teams from the top two leagues have entered the competition.  They and the eight lower-league sides that advanced from the four preliminary Rounds are divided into six Groups of five.  Each Group will feature a single Round Robin.

The top two Group Stage winners will get a bye in the Knockout Round.  The other winners and all 2^nd place-finishers will also advance.  KuPS – one of Finland’s best – is 2-0-0.   Kajaani is 1-0-1, in 3^rd.  They were just promoted to the second-tier league this year and are likely to be trounced.

RESULT:   KuPS    6-1

Fly high, Number B!

3. Beijing Gouan vs. AGF Aarhus – Atlantic Cup

This annual tournament is for clubs in leagues which aren’t in action during the northern hemisphere winter months.  It’s usually just northern European teams.   Oddly, it’s contested in Portugal, where the leagues are playing.

The eight clubs are divided into Groups of four.  Each team will play just two of the three others in their Group.  Then each team will face off against teams form the other Group, based on order of finish.

This year, two Chinese teams are in the mix.  Guoan is a fair bit better on paper.  But they need to beat Danish 1^st place AGF here in their second match to have any shot at playing for the Cup title.

RESULT:   AGF   0-2

4. Azerbaijan vs. Kosovo – international friendly

This is our chance to check out Europe’s lowest-ranked team, Kosovo.  They’re just too small and too new on the international stage to have built up their game.  Azerbaijan is a nice test for them.  Azby is ranked a lot higher, yet hardly a powerhouse.

RESULT:   PPD

And you thought Noob was too informal with the “Azby” thing…

5. Al-Wahda vs. Al-Wasl – U.A.E. Pro-League

Noob has previously referred to this as the Arabian Gulf League.  The above appears to be the newer, official name.  Regardless, this league gets three berths in the next AFC Champions League, and the top three have a big lead on the pack.

Only two points separate the three.  And it does matter who finishes 3^rd.  That team will have to play a preliminary round game in the C.L., while the other two will enter at the Group Stage.   These two are in 3^rd and 2^nd place.

RESULT:   Wahda   4-3

6. Milerock vs. Cougars – Guyana Elite League

They’re only a couple games into this year’s season.  These two have lost all their matches.  Nearly as Noob can tell, they didn’t play in this league last year.  I’m not sure if they’re newly-formed clubs or were promoted.  Only six teams played in this league last year, but they have ten now.

Fun Fact:   The 2015-16 league champions club Slingerz were not allowed to participate the next year for being in “bad standing” with the national football federation.  Noob’s still not seeing them in the table.

RESULT:   MIlerock   2-1

Maybe they’ve been kicked out for that dumb Z on the end of their name.

7. Lee Man Warriors vs. Kitchee – Hong Kong Premier

Kitchee is undefeated and wins games by an average of about three and a half goals per.  They will represent this league in the AFC Champions League.  Lee Man are in 4^th.

Fun Fact:  To round out the number of teams to an even ten in this very young league, Chinese Super League Guangzhou R&F fields a team of mostly under-19’s in this one.

RESULT:   Kitchee   1-5

8. Fortuna Düsseldorf vs. Sandhausen – 2. Bundesliga

The top two clubs in German’s second-tier league will be automatically promoted at season’s end.  Düsseldorf holds down the top spot presently, but only by three points.

Sandhausen are in 4^th, one spot away from getting to play a bottom-rung Bundesliga team for the chance to move up.  They play for low-scoring games, which doesn’t feel like a recipe for high-end success.

RESULT:   Düsseldorf   1-0

Oh schnappen!

9. Nimes vs. AC Ajaccio – Ligue 2

In France’s second-tier league, the top two teams are also auto-promoted.  The next three in the table will play in a promotion playoff tournament.

1^st place Reims has a huge lead on everyone.   High-scoring 2^nd-place Nimes leads a tight pack of five teams battling for those other berths.   ACA won’t be able to keep up today, but Noob thinks 3^rd-place Paris FC is the club that will lose this league game of musical chairs eventually.

RESULT:   1-1

10. Empoli vs. Palermo – Serie A

Another league where the top two will be promoted.  In Italy, though, the next six get to play in a promotion tournament for one more slot up.

These two are in 3^rd and 2^nd respectively.  League’s best offense hosting the best defensive side.  Classic.

RESULT:   Empoli   4-0

Maserati A6GCS Berlinetta, 1953-55.

Also classic.

Tuesday, 1/30

1. Huddersfield Town vs. Liverpool – English Premier League

We lead off with a couple of British teams looking to right their ships.  The hosts have lost their last two league matches, and neither to very good squads.

Worse, though Liverpool are still in 4^th, they have lost their last two matches to EPL’s worst two teams.  They are only two points above dreaded and Noob-reviled Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur.    Maybe they shouldn’t have strangely traded away their superstar midseason.

RESULT:   Liverpool   0-3

As confusing as this is, this is you, Liverpool.

B.  Atalanta vs. Juventus – Coppa Italia

Noob does NOT understand this event.  Oh, I get that it’s their FA Cup, and that this is the first leg of a Semfinal.  But the second leg won’t be played for a month.

RESULT:   Juve   0-1

That’s numero B to you.

And that B looks regular.  And the scooters?….Noob’s head hurts…

3. Al Ahly vs. Ismaily – Egyptian Premier League

Africa’s top league does it right, Italia – so pay attention!  See, 1^st place hosts 2^nd place.  So simple, even this Noob can understand it.

RESULT:   Al Ahly   1-0

Wednesday, 1/31

4. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Manchester City – English Premier League

All Noob-bias aside, Hotspur hasn’t shown the offense to be able to punch through to the top four of EPL and snag a Champions League berth.  But Man City’s run away with the league title, so it could be interesting to see if they have a hiccup on the road.

RESULT:   Hotspur   2-0       Hiccup, indeed

Now, Noob-bias back front and center –

Quick, someone pee on that traitor’s corpse

5. Mexico vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – international friendly

B&H is on tour, having just played USA a couple days ago.  That match went scoreless.  Mexico will test them more severely.

RESULT:   Mexico   1-0

6. Apollon Limassol vs. APOEL Nicosia – Cypriot First Division

1^st place hosts 2^nd!  Wrap your arms around the sweetest of matches, Noobites.

These two are just a point apart in the table.  The league title will be decided via playoffs with four other clubs, but don’t think they both don’t want the regular season trophy.  Apollon have only surrendered 11 goals in 21 games.

RESULT:   APOEL   1-2      And we have a new #1 in Cyprus

7. Millonarios vs. Atletico Nacional – Primera A Championship Final (Colombia) 

The question mark is because Noob’s not 100% sure what we’re getting here.   These are the best two teams from last season, each having won one of the half-seasons.

But whether this is a “meaningless” Supercopa-type event to kick off the 2018 regular season or is actually determining the overall champion for last year, I’m at a loss.

RESULT:   0-0      Still not sure if this was just an exhibition or something more

Sure, pile on the confusion.

But Noob sees that Subway across the street .  Eat fake chicken fresh, bitchez.

Thursday, 2/1

8. Chelsea vs. Manchester City – WSL 1

A while back, Reading FC earned a draw against Chelsea Ladies.  That’s the only blemish on the record of either of these sides.  #2 vs. #1, Noobites!

Barring a surprise push from Liverpool, these two will be the English reps for Women’s Champions League this year.

RESULT:   0-0

9. Leganés vs. Sevilla – Copa del Rey

This is the first match of a two-legged Semifinal tie in Spain’s FA Cup.  The host “Cucumber Growers” are the lowest in the La Liga table of all four teams remaining.  They’re in 11^th and have a world of trouble scoring.  Still, 6^th-place Sevilla actually have a negative goal differential of their own.

Noobstradamus has had a vision!  I won’t bore you with the details.  Soccer balls, dancing 30’ tall cucumbers, a suburban Madrid bus that clipped me, smacking my head to a curbside… you know, the usual.   Sevilla will be more focused on trying to climb the La Liga table, and Leganés will be victorious!

RESULT:   1-1         Jury’s still out, since this only Leg 1

Weird?  Sure.  

But at least -I- didn’t talk about urinating on a dead guy.

10. Oriente Petrolero vs. Jorge Wilstermann – Copa Libertadores qualification

We Tracked O.P.’s opening q-round matches as they try to sneak into one of the final Copa spots for later this year.  Next, they face off against one of their own league foes, and a better one at that.  First match of two-legged tie here.

RESULT:   Wilstermann   1-2