Category: 10 to Track

Ten league, international and Cup games – the most important for you and me, the newish American soccer fan – to Track.   Nine handled with the aplomb and professionalism Noobites have come to daily expect.

And then there’s Lithuanian #8…

1. Watford vs. West Ham United – English Premiere

9^th hosts 18^th.   Not the shiniest matchup fore a weekend, but the only one in the EPL today.   The Brits will all watch it, and so shall we Track it.

And it is of some importance.  Watford may not qualify for either Euro tournament next year, but a top half finish would be outstanding after they avoided Relegation by one standings spot last season.  Meanwhile, West Ham currently sit in the Drop Zone.   RESULT:   Watford 2-0

B.  Toluca vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

The final matches of the regular season are underway.  Toluca’s in 7th and in the Liguilla, but would climb to 4th with a win here.  Tijuana is just out of the running for the postseason, so it will be interesting to see if they show up.   RESULT:   Toluca   3-1

  Tijuana, post-riot

3. Santos vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

With three games to go in league, 2^nd place Santos has qualified for next year’s Copa Libertadores.  Things are a little tighter in the standings surrounding 4^th place Gremio.  They’re in line for a C.L. berth now, but could drop down to Copa Sudamericana if they finish on a skid.   RESULT:   Santos   2-0

4. PSV Eindhoven vs. PEC Zwolle – Dutch Eredivisie

This league sends just two clubs to Champions League next year.  The hosts here are in 1^st, and judging by GD, they (and 2^nd place Ajax) appear unlikely to be caught.   But it’s still early!   3^rd place Zwolle finished in 14^th last year, so the question is whether or not they can maintain.   Noob mixed up the home and away here.   RESULT:   Eindhoven   0-1

   Staffer Dan-o!   That bruh’s pecs may be “swoll”, but Noob said “PEC Zwolle”.

   Workman’s comp ain’t covering that, Staffer Dan-o.

5. Brondby vs. FC Nordsjaelland – Danish SAS-Ligaen

It’s a tight race with the top three from Denmark, and these are two of them (1^st and 3^rd).  Brondby has yet to lose at home this league season.   RESULT:   Brondby   4-2

6. FC Salzburg vs. SK Sturm Graz – Austrian Bundesliga

“The other Bundesliga” is another league with three teams way out front of all others.  2^nd hosts 1^st here.   Fun fact:   Sturm Graz was the first team to ever play top-flite Austrian football that wasn’t based in Vienna (1949).   Salzburg to first, with authoritaay!   RESULT:   Salzburg   5-0

7. Legia Warsaw vs. Gornick Zabrze – Poland Ekstraklasa

2^nd vs 1^st in a league Noob intends to get to know more.  We won’t let all the Z’s and other clunky consonants intimidate us.

Legia Warsaw’s entire northern stand at their stadium is known as the Zyleta.  This translates to “barbed wire”.   Fans who don’t obey a sort of general code of fanaticism in-game aren’t welcome.   Legia to 1st!   RESULT:   Warsaw   1-0

   At least the more violent part of the fans’ history seems to have been left behind in the 90’s.

8. Suduva vs. Zalgris Vilnius – Lithuana A Lyga

This league may only get one qualifier into the next UEFA Champions League, but what a final game it’s going to be to see who gets there!   Suduva’s up on ZV by just one point.  The visitors have to win to take the title.  But Noobstradamus has had a dark vision for this match…

I was skipping rocks from the Russian shore of Lake Vistytis one early foggy morn.  One stone that disappeared into the enshrouding haze found a target.   A man with a newly-bloodied forehead came rowing his tiny boat to shore, cursing me in Polish.  Yet I understood every vile world.

He was a cigarette smuggler!   Hardly uncommon here, trying to sneak in smoky-treats from Lithuania to sell on the black market.   His filthy mouth closed when we locked eyes.  He knew me, but didn’t.  The mark on his forehead began to throb and glow.  He said he came to me with long-known certainty that Suduva would win the league this day.  And that it would be his last.

He shuffled back to his boat and shoved off.  As he drifted into the mist, he set fire to all the cigarette bundles, and then lay himself atop the makeshift fire and silently died.   Noobstradamus suckcess!  Hail to the champions!   RESULT:   Suduva   3-0

       Noob was NOT at Grand Duke’s in Summit, Chicago, IL last night and did NOT partake in too much midus.  Didn’t happen.

9. Shanghai SIPG vs. Shanghai Shenhua – Chinese Fa Cup

It’s the final!   Despite being listed as home side, Shanghai Stadium is actually Shenhua’s home pitch.  They’ll likely need any advantage that might provide.  SIPG was the league’s goal-monster and finished 2^nd, while Shenhua muddled their way to 11^th place.   Upset!!   RESULT:   Shenhua   0-1

10. TP Mazembe vs. SuperSport – CAF Confederation Cup

It’s the final!   This is the African equivalent of Europa League.  The first match of this two-legged tie will be played in DR Congo.  Mazembe won this event last year, and did the same in the CAF Champions League just two years ago!   South African SuperSport may be in for a rough start here.   RESULT:   2-1

Ah, Saturday.  You delight with so many important and shiny European and Mexican league games!   You are a seductress.  A tramp.  A streetwalker.  Harlot!!

(Noober, focus!   The stomach flu is all in your head.  And stomach…OK.  Ten most important games from the newish American soccer fan perspective.  Go, team.)

1. Arsenal vs. Tottenham Hotspur – English Premiere

Noob’s great love are AFC Bournemouth (go, cherries!).   But Arsenal are a not-too-distant second, just for being the main rival for the e’ yahoos that are Tottenham.

Welcome to the North London Darby.  No quarter drawn or given!  Arsenal leads those-named-for-a-traitor 75-56 in wins.  Today will make #76.   The Gunners may be in 6^th to Hotspur’s 3^rd, but Arsenal shall.  Win.   Noobstradamus has had no vision.  I simply will this to be.    Ooooohhhhh to be a Gunner!   RESULT:   Arsenal   2-0

   Forever hallowed ground.  Die, Harry.

B.  Monterrey vs. U.A.N.L. – Liga MX

It’s the last game of the regular season and the battle for #1 is still on!   The challenger #2 Tigres are two points down to #1 Monterrey, so it’s win or settled for the second seed in the postseason Liguilla.  It’s hard to imagine them generating enough offense on the road against the league’s best defense.   RESULT:   Monterrey   2-0

  If you make it for the game, try the local cabrito (roasted goat kid).

3. Necaxa vs. Morelia – Liga MX

The Mexican undercard today is a dandy as well.  3^rd through 9^th place in the standings are separated by only two points.  #4 Morelia shouldn’t be able to fall all the way out of the top eight and postseason seeding could be about anywhere.   Necaxa is in a three-way tie for 7^th, so absolutely nothing is guaranteed for them.   Morelia climbs to 3rd and cannot now do worse than 4th.   No postseason for now-9th Necaxa.   RESULT:   Morelia   2-1

4. Atletico Madrid vs. Real Madrid – Spanish Premier

El Clasico loses no luster for these teams being merely tied for 3^rd.   Atletico get’s it done on defense.  Real performs about the same on the road as at home, so won’t be so easily shut down.   Or everyone might get shut down.   RESULT:   0-0

5. Al Hilal vs. Urawa Red Diamonds – AFC Champions League

We’ll return to Europe soon, but Noob can hold back no longer!   It’s the Final for Asia’s Champions League.

For newer Noobites, Urawa is basically the Tokyo equivalent of the New Jersey side of the NYC metro.  The Management and I have nothing but adoration.  Here out cry: Gym-Tan-Sushi!  They go to Saudi Arabia for the first leg of the tie.   Now can our boys take care of business at home?   RESULT:   1-1

  The Situation is Urawa’s biggest fan.  He’s down with gym-tan-anything.

6. AS Roma vs. Lazio – Italian Serie A

5^th hosts 4^th place in a very tight league race a dozen games into the season.   This is a strange one in that neither club has suffered a loss or draw -away from home-.  Does that mean advantage Lazio?   RESULT:   Roma   2-1

  Why is an eagle making off with that otherwise boring logo?

7. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Nantes – French Ligue 1

Nantes gets some Noob-love for sneaking into the top quarter of the league (5^th).   Enjoy it while it lasts, gentleman.   PSG is 10-2-0, and outscoring opponents at home better than 7:1.   RESULT:   PSG   4-1

8. Galatsaray vs. Istanbul Basaksehir – Turkey Super Lig

The home Lions finished in 4^th last year, earning a Europa league berth.  Now they lead the league, looking to settle for nothing less than 2018 Champions League.  Perennial power Istanbul is in 2^nd.   This was actually in Istanbul.   RESULT:   I.B.   5-1

  Catastrophically bad logo, even before thinking the color scheme is too Cleveland Brown-y.

9. Milsami Orhei vs. Sheriff Tiraspol – Moldova National Division

2^nd hosts 1^st.   Noob would still head to perhaps Europe’s poorest nation for it!   Fun fact:  “Strengthened hill”, “fortress”, and perhaps oddly, “deserted courtyard” are all meanings of the city name Orhei.   RESULT:   Sheriff   0-2

10. Al Masry vs. Al Mokawloon Al Arab – Egypt Premier

3^rd hosts 2^nd place here.   Al Masry is the more known name to Noob football-wise.  Mokawloon are “The Mountain Wolves”, though the name itself is simply from Arabic for the owning company’s name.   Al Masry   1-0

  Fair color scheme, but the two sports figures on blue look like government-issued directional signs.  Do more better.

Welcome, Noobites –  TGIGF!   Most days of the week, our efforts are laser-focused on the top ten most important worldwide games of the week for the new-ish American fan.

Friday’s are more lightly scheduled.   So we grab our bags, passports, and get Globetrotting on Fridays!   Noob’s gonna totally mess with your internal clock this go-round.

1. Atlas vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Atlas is in a three-way tie for the 7^th, fighting for one of the last two of eight berths in the post season Liguilla.  Win this last regular season match and they’re in.  Well, almost guaranteed, unless 9^th place Cruz Azul can win their last one by some unholy number of goals AND Necaxa not win their final game.    This leaves Atlas in danger.  Two teams with a game left could pass them – Necaxa with a win or draw, and Lobos BUAP with a win.   RESULT:   1-1

B.  Kashiwa Reysol vs. Jubilo Iwata – J1 League

Just two or three games to go for this league, and they have no postseason.  And so congrats to Kashima Antlers on successfully defending their league title!   Still, there are games of importance in Japan today.

Kashiwa is tied for 4^th and ahead of 5^th on goal differential.   They’re two points behind 3^rd, and that’s the last slot to qualify for the 2018 AFC Champions League.   Jubilo is in 6^th and only one more point back.   Kashiwa moves to 3rd.   K.R.   1-0

   Noob heard a rumor they champs will be partying at the Robot Restaurant in East Shinjuku.

3. Yokohama F. Marinos vs. Cerezo Osaka – J1 League

These are the aforementioned 3^rd and 5^th place teams respectively.  They swapped places in standings.   RESULT:   YFM   4-1

4. FC Porto vs. Portimonense – Portuguese FA Cup

The Round of 32 continues.   Porto has yet to lose in league play.  In fact, only one team has even earned a draw on them.   The visitors?   3-3-5.

Noob is learning with these FA Cups, though, that it often comes down to how badly the club wants to win.   How many starters will each rest for their next league season matchups?   RESULT:   Porto   3-2

5. Stade de Reims vs. Paris FC – French Ligue 2

Longer-tenured football fans know that Reims is one of the great storied clubs in French history.  Noob, being Noob, just learned!   The last 30 years have been rough on them though.   Now, they stand in 1^st!  Paris FC is in 5^th, the last slot which will get a berth into a possible promotion-playoff at season’s end.   RESULT:   1-1

   And get some IKEA furniture, Reims.  Man.

6. Maribor vs. Olimpia Llubljana – Slovenia Prva Liga

Noob is now to a point where he can actually remember how to spell “Llubljana” and -almost- have the confidence to not double check it later.  Learningness!

12nd, 1st, and no one else is even close.  This matchup either was or still is referred to there as “The Eternal Derby”.  It’s unclear to Noob.  The newer incarnation of the Llubljana team, with which the Derby began, was not allowed to carry over official honors and such when the old one went away.

Where’s Staffer Dan-o, interblag researcher?   RESULT:   Maribor   1-0

7. US Monastir vs. CA Bizertin – Tunisia Ligue 1

These two are tied for 2^nd place, though the hosts have played two more games than their guests.  Only two get to next year’s CAF Champions League, and no one is likely to catch Esperance de Tunis for 1^st.

Monastir has a famous defensive structure, called a ribat.  It was used for, amongst other filmings, Monty Python’s “The Life of Brian”.   RESULT:   1-1

8. Eurocar vs. Sidekicks – Guam Soccer League

Other than that they are in 8^th and 10^th place, Noob can’t tell you much about these sides yet.  Staffer Dan-o’s too busy avoiding researching Slovenian soccer to start on any requests I may have regarding this Budweiser-sponsored league.   RESULT:   Eurocar   2-1

   You can’t get inoculated for Guamanian soccer fever

9. Hafia vs. Ashanti GB – Guinea Ligue 1

It’s 4^th versus 10^th place here.   The hosts play in the capital city of Conakry.   At least three of this league’s other teams also play there.

Noob’s read the population of the city is difficult to ascertain for some reason, and has seen population figures ranging from 1 to 12 million.  I wonder if this is because the capital proper is on Tombo Island, but the city has spread to and up the peninsula mainland.   RESULT:   Hafia   1-0

10. Waterhouse vs. Tivoli Gardens – Jamaica Premier

10^th place hosts 4^th in Kingston.  It’s early in this league’s season, but these clubs are about where they finished last year.

Waterhouse’s nickname is “Fire-House”.   Noob’s quick hit-googling didn’t yield a definitive answer on whether or not waterhouse is a name for a fire station in some parts of the world.   Let’s take one more try at finding Staffer Dan-o.   Misclick!   This game was actually played 11/5

   If you can fit a Macbook in there, get to work!

1. Manchester City vs. LSK Kvinner – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Man City leads 5-0 after their first match in this two-legged Round of 32 tie.  But they’re our cousins, so the English game gets top billing here.

Noob was just surprised to learn that the women’s top English league for the women isn’t named “Premiere” like the men’s.  Instead, it is the FA WSL – Football Association Women’s Super League.  As new as Noob is on the soccer scene in general, I am so much more so on the ladies’ side.   The Man Ladies advance!   RESULT:   Man City   2-1

B.  Slavia Prague vs. Stjarnan – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Czech side Sparta Prague just got knocked out this round.  Can Slavia Prague carry the national torch forward?   They won the first match 2-1 over the Icelanders.   Czech, please!   RESULT:   0-0

3. Billericay vs. Leatherhead – English FA Cup

The First Round Proper rumbles on through the “replays”.   When one of these one-off matches ends in a tie, they don’t settle things with penalty kicks.  Instead, they play the match over at the other team’s home site.

These two drew 1-1 in their first scuffle.   As noted then, this is a guaranteed minnow advancement game!   Both play in the Isthmian League, the seventh tier in English soccer.   Look for the more-storied hosts to get it done here.   RESULT:   Leatherhead   1-3

  Yes, we were surprised you were thought young enough for that role in “Leatherheads”, too, Clooney.

4. Sporting CP vs. Famalicao – Portuguese FA Cup

It really goes by the name Taca de Portugal.   That means Cup, not taco.   Noob would play for a taco.

Anyway!  This is the Fourth Round, where 32 teams remain.   Famalicao is in 8^th place in tier-two LigaPro.  Impressive, considering they were just promoted last season.  But they didn’t get a lucky draw, having to play one of the three historical powerhouses, and on the road to boot.   RESULT:   Sporting   2-0

Now, time for a bunch of Brazilians.

5. Botafogo vs. Goianiense – Brazil Serie A

Botafogo is in 6^th place with just a few games to go.  This slot gets a birth into the second round of next year’s Copa Libertadores.   If they can maybe climb even one spot higher, they can earn a bye into the Group Stage.  Bottom-rung Goianiense shouldn’t be able to do much to stop them.   Upset!      RESULT:   Goianiense   1-2

6. Palmeiras vs. Sport – Brazil Serie A

Palmeiras is in better shape in 3^rd place.  Sport Club do Recife hangs out with Goianiense in the standings.   RESULT:   Palmeiras   5-1

7. Bahia vs. Santos – Brazil Serie A

10^th hosts 4^th place here.   Enough games remain that Santos isn’t yet guaranteed a Libertadores berth, but they can’t do worse than one for the Copa Sudamericana (think Europa League).  Bahia’s in line for the latter.   RESULT:   Bahia   3-1

8. Cortiba vs. Flamengo – Brazil Serie A

15^th hosts 7^th here.   In fact, the visitors are tied for 7^th with Vasco de Gama, though ahead by a lot on goal differential.  They’re vying for the very last slot for Copa Libertadores.   Upset!   RESULT:   Cortiba   1-0

   Another bunch of Brazilians.   Our advertisers thank you for stopping by, gals.

9. Sileks vs. Shkendija – Macedonian First Football League

The home side are already running away with the league just over a dozen games in.  Sileks sits in 3^rd.

Shkendia’s supporters (Ballistet) are named for an anticommunist resistance movement from WWII times.  They are fiercely proud of their Albanian heritage, singing that nation’s anthem right as each game starts.   RESULT:   Shkendija   0-2

   Football is some scary shite some places.

10. Hilal Obayed vs. Al Ahly Shendi – Sudan Premier

Sudan – don’t you quit on it, Noobites!   When other leagues just aren’t offering any or as many (good) games, we can always count on Sudan’s top league.   These two are in 3^rd and 4^th place.  The season there is about done, sadly for us.  Neither of these teams can catch up with the top two.   And they gives entertaining football to boot!   RESULT:   Shendi   4-5

Noob promises you he has manners and couth, sometimes.  But in today’s 10 most important games to Track for the fellow new-ish American soccer fan, we’re going to start with the gents.   World Cup qualifying trumps all!

1. Australia vs. Honduras – Interconfederation WCQ

The first match went scoreless, so now to Oz!  It’s important to remember that any draw, except for 0-0, and Honduras goes to World Cup on away-goals tiebreaker.   Congrats on heading to World Cup, Socceroos!   RESULT:   Australia   3-1

B.  Peru vs. New Zealand – Interconfederation WCQ

Leg 1 always went scoreless in this matchup, stunningly.  Noob expected it to be shooting fish in a barrel for Peru.   Noob still expects it now.   Congrats to Peru on advancing to the World Cup!   RESULT:   Peru   2-0

  All is fair in love and war

3. Tranmere Rovers vs. Peterborough United – English FA Cup

They played to a scoreless draw in the first go-round, so now third tier Peterborough has to try and break through on the road.   Tranmere, like Liverpool and Everton of the EPL, plays in Merseyside.   Broke through is an understatement.   RESULT:   Peterborough   0-5

4. Pachuca vs. Atlante – Copa MX

Ascenso side Atlante surprised again last round by advancing, winning 1-1 / 3-5 pk for the second straight time.   Liga-Pachuca has whupped their foes wholesale, advancing to the Semifinal by combined score of 7-0.   now slated for 11/21

5. Vasco de Gama vs. Atletico Minero – Brazil Serie A

With four games to go, VdG is in 8^th and just one point out of a Copa Libertadores berth for next season.  A.M. certainly isn’t eliminated at just two more points back.  But it’s hard to leapfrog multiple teams this late in the season.   RESULT:   1-1

   Leapgiraffe is even harder

6. Linkoping vs. Sparta Prague – UEFA Women’s Champions League

And then there were 16!   These games are all the second matches of two-legged ties.

What a week for Sweden – their men’s national team holds Italy scoreless for two matches to qualify for World Cup!   Can their best women’s club make the Quarterfinals?    Chances seem at least fair.  They played S.P to a 1-1 draw in Prague in the first leg.   Sweeeeeeedes!   RESULT:   Linkoping   3-0

7. Montpelier vs. Brescia – UEFA Women’s Champions League

The French side won 3-2 in Italy, and looks to take care of business at home.

Noob assumed “home” was the same stadium in which the men’s team play, 32000+ seater Stade de la Mosson.  Nope.  Stade Jules Rimet only has a capacity of 1000.  Surprising, given how popular I thought women’s soccer is in France.   ‘Twas a bull market.   RESULT:   Montpelier   6-0

   Cozy anyway

8. Rosengard vs. Chelsea – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Not so surprising is Rosengard’s success.  They’re based out of the same sports club in Malmo as the reigning league men’s champion.   But they have a mighty deficit to overcome, having gotten smoked 3-0 at Chelsea in their first match.   RESULT:   Chelsea   0-1

  Staffer Daaaan-ooo!   Noob knows his fish.   That’s gravadlax, Swedish CURED salmon.  Not smoked.

9. Wolfsburg vs. Fiorentina – UEFA Women’s Champions League

German Wolfsburg won the whole kit and caboodle in 2012-2013.   They’re already up 3-0 on the Italian side, steamrolling towards the Quarterfinals.   RESULT:   3-3

10. Barcelona vs. Gintra Universitetas – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Gintra is a college team from Lithuania.  And if they can come back from the 6-0 thrashing they took at home to Barcelona, Noob will be a hat-eating man.   RESULT:   Barcelona   3-0

  That’s hat-eating man, not man-eating hat!  Staffer Dan-o, where are you??

    Jiminy, you’re not even trying to hide well.

Tuesday!   The league play is a little lighter, but the international and Cup play make up for it.   Let’s hit our daily ten best matches for the new-ish American soccer player like Bijou Phillips assaults fat male bi actors.  So hard.

1. Portugal vs. U.S.A. – international friendly

Amuricuh plays its first match since failing to qualify for World Cup.  Bruce Arena is out as head coach, Dave Sarachan is in holding the interim title.  Nice of them to at least serve as sparring partner for FIFA 3^rd-ranked Portugal.   RESULT:   1-1

  Dave Sarachan: Making sure the players know he wants to be at Denny’s by 4:00pm.

B.  Ireland vs. Denmark – UEFA WCQ

Slight underdog Ireland brought a 0-0 draw home.  Any draw here other than 0-0 and Denmark advances to World Cup on away-goals tiebreaker.  Ireland should defend well at home, but they’ve got to find the back of the net sometime.   Ireland starting the scoring at 6′.  And then all Danish hell broke loose.   RESULT:   Denmark   1-5

   Noob doesn’t know the reference.  Still strangely enjoyable.

3. Germany vs. France – international friendly

I sense one of my history teachers rolling over in his grave.  Friendly?   RESULT:   2-2

4. Accrington Stanley vs. Guiseley – English FA Cup

The First Round Proper of the most important Cup tournament in England continues!  If it seems like we’ve been here a while, it’s because of the format.   It’s a straight knockout competition, but if there’s a draw, they don’t go to penalty kicks.  Instead, they replay the match at the site of the first match-away team.

And so it is with these next three matches.   These two went scoreless the first time around, so now they’ll do it again but at Accrington.  This pits a very good League Two (tier four) side against a struggling National League (tier five) squad.   Minor upset!   RESULT:   Guiseley   1-1 /   3-4 pk

   Gotta be honest.  Looks like a crappy diner.

5. Bury vs. Woking – English FA Cup

These two drew 1-1 in County Surrey their first try.  Now fifth-tear Woking has to try and get through at Bury.   Bury’s struggled this year, but they play two leagues higher.   They were woke.   RESULT:   Working   0-3

6. Scunthorpe vs. Northampton – English FA Cup

These two both play in the third-tier League One, but they’re at opposite ends of standings there.  They played to a scoreless draw a few days ago.   RESULT:   Scunthorpe   1-0

   “Industrial garden town”??  You’re not even trying here, c’mon.

7. Turkmenistan vs. Taiwan – AFC Asian Cup qualification

The battle for the confederation title continues!   The Group Stage has groups of four vying for two Asian Cup berths each.  Turkmenistan is behind Bahrain by only GD for 1^st, and Taiwan trails them both by just a point.  They carry FIFA rankings of #114 and #143 respectively.   Taiwan is eliminated, while victors qualify for Cup!   RESULT:   Turkmenistan   3-1

8. Tajikistan vs. Yemen – AFC Asian Cup qualification

These two are tied for 2^nd, down two points to Philippines.  Tajikistan likes to play a wide open game, just the opposite of the Yemeni.   Yemeni style took over.   1st place Philippines also drew, so status quo unchanged.   RESULT:   0-0

  Why, is it trying to call collect?

9. Cambodia vs. Jordan – AFC Asian Cup qualification

Jordan is in 1^st with two matches to go, but tied on points with Vietnam.  Cambodia is nearly eliminated at five points behind them.   Cambodia has only scored to goals to 14 against them, yet actually has a win in this Group.   Vietnam also qualified for Cup with their draw today.   RESULT:   Jordan   0-1

10. Gorica vs. Rijeka – Croatia Cup

It’s the Round of 16.  Gorica’s a very good second tier team in this country, but Rijeka is one of just two or three teams that are flat out good.  They’re 3^rd place in the top tier.   RESULT:   Rijeka   0-3

  Danny, methinks you and bride Bijou might get to star in the real life “Orange is the New Black”.

The chaos!  The tension!   It’s Relegation Monday.   Other days of the week, Noob is filtering and bringing you the “most important” games from the shiniest leagues.

Monday’s are lightly-scheduled though.  So Noob instead proffers games that are important to at least the teams playing them, specifically teams that may get dropped to a lower league at season’s.  Can they get out of the basements of their leagues before it is too late?

First, we do today have some more “legit” matches to peruse.

1. Louisville City vs. Swope Park Rangers – USL playoffs

The last North American division two soccer game the year.   Joy and sadness both somehow reign!  It’s the Final!

Louisville City was #1 the entire second half of the East season.   Swope Park was more up and down, settling in at #4 in the tougher West.  One may have to enjoy defense to get into this one.  Neither of these teams scored more than one goal in a game during the playoffs.  They also each only gave up one regulation goal total over that stretch.

Noob’s been invited to a The Management party.   He’s looking to rumble, knowing how much ill will I have for his KC fave!   In your face, The Management!   I will not win humbly.   Congrats to the league champions!   RESULT:   Louisville   1-0

1. Italy vs. Sweden – UEFA WCQ

Sweden got the goal and the win at home a few days ago.   The road is usually an entirely different matter of course in football though.

Noobstradamus had a vision for this game, in deep neon greens and oranges.   A floating crown in space whirled its way to an undying flame, upon which it came to rest.  The world seemed to be ending.  Before all went black, wording appeared on the crown.  “The Norsemen shall survive,” it read.

Italy wins 0-1.  Sweden gets the upset in penalty kicks, heads to World Cup.  Noob wasn’t way off for a chance.   Congrats, Sweden!  World Cup-bound!   RESULT:   0-0

   Or maybe Noob just needs to go see “Thor: Ragnarok”…

3. America vs. Monterrey – Copa MX

It’s the Semifinal!  League-3^rd place America gets home advantage against #1 Monterrey.  This will likely be the best game of the whole Copa.  That said, Monterrey’s creaming the league on goal differential and should be a slight favorite even as visitors.   reslated for 11/15

4. Malaysia vs. North Korea – Asian Cup qualification

This qualifying event is in the Group Stage, pods of four competing for two berths each in the 2019 Asian Cup.  Lebanon has embarrassed this Group, qualified long since.  North Korea is tied for 2^nd with Hong Kong with two matches to go.  Malaysia’s not eliminated yet, but they will be soon enough.  They just can’t score.   RESULT:   North Korea   1-4

   “I can’t even tell anymore where you end and I begin…”

5. Poland vs. Mexico – international friendly

Poland has really been playing well, are all the way up to #6 in FIFA rankings.   Mexico is #16.  Each won their Group in their continental federations’ World Cup qualifying events.

This sort of game may get used by coaches to determine what if any changes they will make to their national teams’ rosters.  Games like these can end up anything but “friendly”.   RESULT:   0-1   Mexico

6. Georgia vs. Belarus – international friendly

This was a geography lesson for Noob.   I thought I’d pick one with regional neighbors in the hopes it would be hotly contested.  And maybe it will be.  But Belarus is further north and Georgia much further south than Noob thought.  The countries’ centers are over 1000 miles apart.   RESULT:   2-2

   So much learningness to do…

7. Kosovo vs. Latvia – international friendly

Kosovo’s pretty new on the scene internationally, football-wise and in general.  Noob thought it would be fun to see how they’re faring.   RESULT:   Kosovo   4-3

8. Kingstonian vs. Worthing – Isthmian League

Welcome to tier seven of the English football system, Noobites!   This league features semipro and amateur clubs from London, East and Southeast England.   Two teams will be promoted to National League North or South.  At least one will be demoted to one of a number of smaller, regional leagues.

Worthing is in last place, and by six points.  They are “The Mackerel Men”, or just “The Mackerels”, Worthing being a large seaside town.   Their hosts today are in 8^th place.   RESULT:   Kingstonian   2-0

9. Kamuzu Barracks vs. Chitipa United – Malawai Premier

Noob had to search high and low to find games today featuring teams facing The Drop.  Noob couldn’t find much on 16^th/last-place Chitipa.   They are based in the district of the same name, the northernmost in the country.   KB is in 8^th.   RESULT:   Kamuzu   4-2

  There are our fellas

10. Zimbru II Chisinau vs. Real Succes Chisinau – Moldova “A” Division 

Noob never thought he’d be getting to this second-tier league a second time.  And we revisit Zimbru II!  Both of these clubs are in line to have to play in a Relegation avoidance mini-tournament at season’s end.  Zimbru II’s almost clear of it, while RSC is in 11^th place.

Real Succes was first RS Lilcora, named for a perfume and cosmetics distributor.  Noob just wonders where they distributed the third S in “succes”.   RESULT:   Zimbru II   1-0

   Yet I guess it could be worse…

This is a weekend where the usual European league suspects aren’t so much in play.  International fancypantsness trumps league scheduling.   Still, there are 10 games worth tracking for us, the new-ish American soccer fans!   Let the goodness wash over you.

1. San Francisco Deltas vs. NY Cosmos – NASL Soccer Bowl

Any tenured Noobite here knows I’ve had a long-standing love affair with North American second tier soccer.  And that love can never wane completely.  It is true.  That said, Noob’s request for a press credential was worse than denied.  It went unresponded to.   Congratulations, Deltas!   Even if Noob didn’t get to set The Management up with the coveted press credential.   RESULT:   Deltas   2-0

1. Switzerland vs. Northern Ireland – UEFA WCQ

Northern Ireland had no answer for the Swiss defense in the Round 2 match, losing 0-1.  Holding them to just one goal was admirable, but what will they change to get in the back of the net?   Inspired defense anyway.  Congrats on the World Cup, Switzerland!   RESULT:   0-0

   If these don’t scare-inspire Northern Ireland, nothing will.

3. Greece vs. Croatia – UEFA WCQ

Noob was left as a quivering mass of jelly after his John Stamos-as-Delphic-Oracle dream.  And for my that blood, sweat, and tears, that yogurt-hawking “Jesse” was WAY off.   Croatia won the first leg 4-1.   Congrats on the World Cup, Croatia!   RESULT:   0-0

4. U.S.A. vs. Canada – women’s international friendly

The FIFA-ranked #1 and #5 meet in a friendly, just days after a 1-1 tie.   But this one’s in Muricuh!   RESULT:   USA   3-1

   Wanna go see a friendly, Ms. Future Noob Ex-wife?

5. River Plate vs. Deportivo Moron – Copa Argentina

Tier-three Moron, your dream run has carried you all the way to the semifinal.  But now you get a tier-one powerhouse and their place.  You’ve captured Noob’s heart no matter what happens.  The winner of this one-off faces league mid-table Atletico Tucuman in the Final.   The miracle ends for Moron.  Well-played.   RESULT:   River Plate   3-0

   Haaaaaht chicken!

6. T.N.S. vs. Queen of the South – Scottish League Cup

A reminder of what this event is:  Scottish tier-teams 2-4, plus whomever else they felt like inviting.  That’s how Welsh power The New Saints are here.  This is one a one-off quarterfinal match between them and a middling second division Scottish side.   RESULT:   T.N.S.   3-0

7. Vasco de Gama vs. Sao Paolo – Brazil Serie A

#8 vs. #12.  Really, Noob?  Yep!   Because the top seven in this league qualify for next year’s Copa Libertadores.   VdG is just two points out of that last slot.   Sadly for them, Noobstradamus’ dream does not bode well for them.

I was walking the Paulsita, but backwards.   I was having a happy dream of walking the Paulista.  I was nearly to the Paraiso neighborhood at one end when I was filled with a radiant joy that literally burst from my chest.  The beam of white light made sparkly letters in the sky that read, “Sao Paolo – road upset”.   Noob prediction fail!   RESULT:   1-1

Noob really has to get his oft-muddled sleep schedule straightened out…

      So tired, I can almost keep my eyes open

8. Perez Zeledon vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

#3 PZ is looking to stay afloat for the league postseason.  That won’t come easily, as Numero Uno comes to their place.   RESULT:   Herediano   0-1

9. Bangkok United vs. Buriram United – Thai Premier

Congrats to Buriram!   They’ve already clinched the league title and Group Stage berth for next year’s AFC Champions League.

Bangkok Utd. is in 3^rd.   This spot would get a Preliminary Round AFC CL berth IF one of the league’s top two was also the winner of the nation’s FA Cup.  This year, Bangkok is one of the sides that has made the 11/25 Final for that event, and they’re facing the league 4^th place team.   RESULT:   Buriram   1-3

10. Makassar vs. Madura – Indonesia Super League

3^rd hosts 4^th place here.   Madura should safely be qualified to an AFC Champions League berth for next year.   They’d be in more danger, since only three qualify, but two of the top current top five teams are not eligible to compete in it.   AFC hasn’t given many of these teams “club licenses” back yet.  Indonesian footyball has been a hot, sanctioned mess in recent years.  RESULT:   Makassar 6-1

  So it’s “bubble soccer” -and- “footy ball”?   Confusion reigns!

It’s a quirky Saturday!  Usually Noob has a hard time filtering down to just ten games these days.  There’s some great international play today, but the biggest leagues just don’t have as much going.

Still, Noob gives you, as always, the best ten games for you, the new-ish American soccer fan!  Let’s get edumacated, Noobites.

1. Denmark vs. Ireland – UEFA WCQ

The Second and final Round of World Cup qualification continues.  Winner of each of these two-legged ties moves on.

Ireland made it this far on defense.   They’ll need all they can muster.  Denmark scores two goals per game during the Group Stage.   Defense- engage!   RESULT:   0-0

B.  Congo DR vs. Guinea – CAF WCQ

The Group Stage is the final stage in Africa.  Winner of each Group of four advances.

Congo DR trails 1^st place-Tunisia by three points.  They must win, and they must hope Tunisia loses to dreadful Libya.  And even then, Congo DR still have to have caught them on goal differential.   But will Libya do its part to keep snaky Tunisia out?   RESULT:   Congo DR   3-1

  Too busy being x-treeeeeeme to be good at football

3. Tunisia vs. Libya – CAF WCQ

Tunisia should win by two.   I guess.  Tunisia advances to the World Cup by one point.   RESULT:   0-0

4. Ivory Coast vs. Morocco – CAF WCQ

It’s down to these two in this Group, and Ivory Coast trails Morocco by a point.  And they’re down in goal differential, so only a win will do.   Congrats on World Cup!   Morocco   o-2

5. Celaya vs. Oaxaca – Ascenso MX

1^st hosts 3^rd place in Mexico’s second tier.  Both have already qualified for the Liguilla – postseason mini-tournament.  However, only two points separate them in the standings.  Seeding is very much on the line.   RESULTL:   0-0

  If it looks cooler than the average beer can logo, it’s a good crest.

6. Universidad de Chile vs. Santiago Wanderers – Copa Chile

It’s the Final!   This match is the first in the two-legged tie.   UdC is having the much better league season, sitting in 2^nd.  Santiago toils in 11^th.  UdC doesn’t have much of a goal differential, which means they’re winning close.   Between that and being at home, they’re tough to pick against.   Upset!    RESULT:   Santiago   1-3

7. Perez Zeladon vs. Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

3^rd hosts 2^nd place here as this half-season nears completion.   Saprissa has already qualified for “the quadrangular” – the postseason event for this league.   PZ would need to collapse to get caught by two teams at this late stage.   Not played, nor scheduled to play until 2/7

   Noob’s of mixed emotions about the crest.  It need a tertiary color.  But no one ever asks Noob.

8. Olimpija Llubljana vs. Maribor – Slovenia Cup

This is a quarterfinal two-legged tie, first match.  It’s s shame these two are meeting so early in this event.  They’re tied for first in their league, and no other club is even close.   RESULT:   Llubljana   2-0

9. Raja Casablanca vs. Wydad Casablanca – Moroccan Botolo League

This one pits 3^rd place against last.  Last?  But why, Noob?   Wydad, as you may recall, recently won the CAF Champions League!   While they’ve been busy with that, their league matches were postponed.  They’ve only played one, compared to most clubs’ four.   PPD

10. Kakamega Homeboyz vs. Gor Mahia – Kenya Premier

Congrats to Gor Mahia, 2017 league champions!   This looked competitive at one point, but Gor Mahia flexed late and is ahead of the pack by -20- points.  Homeboyz (correct spelling) are tied for 4^th.   RESULT:   Gor Mahia   0-1

   They should celebrate at B-Club Nairobi.  Very exclusive, and – per one review – for “cool cats”.

Welcome to another Globetrotting Friday, Noobites!   Big games are usually sparse right ahead of the weekend, so we go travelling to less-heralded football countries the world over.

While your passport will get plenty of stamps today. there are actually games that really matter for a Friday change!   We’ll check to see if places like Vatican City even have football in a week.

1. Sweden vs. Italy – UEFA WCQ

Scroll down to yesterday’s T2T for explanation on this Second Round.   Sweden statistically outperformed Italy in the Group Stage, but Italy has Spain to contend with.  Both teams scored a ton, so this could be a wide-open affair.   Or nor.   RESULT:   Sweden 1-0

  Dang it, Staffer-Dan-o.  That IS a lovely pump, but we were looking for Italian SWEDE, not suede.

   Staffer Dan-o’s shame

B.  Honduras vs. Australia – Interconfederation WCQ

This is the first leg, and the winner of the tie qualifies for the World Cup.   They each qualified for this extra qualifying round by being juuuhhhhhhst good enough in their own federations’ qualifying events.  They are FIFA-ranked #69 and #43 respectively.   RESULT:   0-0

3. New Zealand vs. Peru – Interconfederation WCQ

This could be ugly, even in NZ.  Peru is actually ranked 10th worldwide.  New Zealand is #122.   RESULT:   0-0

  Bubble Soccer may be very popular in NZ, but Noob doesn’t think FIFA’s going to allow them to set up any related home turf-rules for a WCQ.

4. South Africa vs. Senegal – CAF WCQ

Senegal leads two teams in this Group of four by two points each.  South Africa’s in 4^th/last, yet not eliminated with this and one more game to go.   This is a must-win for them.   A tie by the middle two teams is almost as necessary.  Remember, only the 1st play team from each African group gets into WC.   RESULT:   Senegal   0-2

5-7.  England vs. Germany, Belgium vs. Mexico, France vs. Wales – international friendlies

Slappin’ back’s and highin’ fives.  These are tune-ups of sorts for the World Cup for all six of these teams.   RESULTS:   England-Germany   0-0;   Belgium-Mexico   3-3;   France   2-0

Whoops!  Sorry, Wales.   Noob’s bad.

8. Atletico Tucuman vs. Rosario Central – Copa Argentina

These two are only mid-pack in league this year, but at least it should be a very competitive match.  The winner of this one-off Semifinal gets the winner of River Plate and tier-two Deportivo Moron.   RESULT:   Tucuman   0-0 / 3-1 pk

9. Viktoria Plzen vs. Slovacko – Czech Cup

Plzen is 13-0-0 in the country’s top league.   Slovacko has one win.

Given the separation of Czech Rep. and Slovakia, the visitor’s name sounds kind of like an ethnic epithet.  Weird.   Upset!   RESULT:   Slovacko   2-3 aet

10. North Korea vs. Malaysia – Asian Cup qualification

This qualifying event is in its Third Round.  Effectively, it’s a second Group Stage.   The top two from each Group of four qualifying for the AFC Asian Cup.   The winner of that event represents Asia in the FIFA Interconfederation Cup.

These two are in 3^rd and 4^th in their Group.  Both are longshots to qualify.   Lebanon is already all but mathematically qualified.  But Hong Kong is catchable, sort of.   RESULT:   North Korea   4-1

   Noob knows this isn’t the first time those two have worn that shamed look.