Category: 10 to Track

Noob is persistent!   Yesterday marked the 100th post.  It’s been nonsequitir.  It’s been inane.  And it’s actually be self-educational and fun.  Noobites, I hope you, too, have found it to be all these and more.

But flibber flabber!   Noob is flighty.  I did it again.  Seattle and Vancouver played the first leg of their conference semifinal last night.  Noobites, your captain is mortal.  But it ended in a scoreless tie any.  Fruit those guys.

Now, Relegation Monday!  Let it wash over you.  In addition to our usual Tracking of a handful of important games, we’ll also get to know some teams that are on the other end of their league standings.  Soon, they may be dropped a division, ne’er to be seen again.

1. Portland Timbers vs. Houston Dynamo – MLS playoffs

This one should go down to the wire, even as a #1 vs. #4 seed matchup.  As more seasoned Noobites know, Noob and the Management have no love for Swamp Cities.   So here’s to hoping Houston find it’s a tripwire and they fall on their faces.  This first leg was actually played in Houston.   RESULT:   0-0

1. Toronto FC vs. New York Red Bulls – MLS playoffs

#1 vs. #6 seeds.  I wonder if the players on teams owned by Red Bull get tons of free product.  Noob likes to mix his with Kenyan milk-tea.  This may explain some things.   This first leg was actually played in New York.  RESULT:   Toronto   1-2 

   Perhaps this needs be explained first.

3. Burnley vs. Newcastle – English Premiere

For some reason, Burnley can’t score at home.  They’re in 10^th despite this, hosting 8th place Newcastle.  The visiting Magpies hope to continue their exciting stay in the top half of the standings.  Pretty darn good, given that they just returned to the EPL this season.   Burnley to 7th, Newcastle to 9th.   RESULT:   Burnley   1-0

And now, let’s shake hands with some bottom-dwellers!  

4. Las Palmas vs. Deportivo la Coruna – Spanish Premier

Three of this league’s 20 get dropped down at season’s end.  Currently, Las Palmas is in 17^th.  They’ve actually won twice in nine tries, but they’ve gotten no draws.  La Coruna isn’t faring much better at 15^th.

Noob is drawn, for some strange reason, to top-flite teams in island locales.   Turns out Las Palmas’ home is the Canary Islands, just 100 miles west of Morocco!   They are being considered for Adoption.   RESULT:   La Coruna   1-3

  But maybe we could talk about the gaudy crest before you make a home visit to Noob.

5. Hellas Verona vs. Inter Milan – Italian Serie A

Two weeks ago, Hellas Verona was featured on Relegation Monday.  They beat a fellow Drop Zone team and climbed out.   They’re back.  And this time, they get a tough game with the league’s #4 side.

Last time, we learned they are the Mastiffs.  They are also known as “The Scaligers”, named for 13^th C. Lords of Verona.   RESULT:   Inter   1-2

   Statue at the Scaliger tombs in Verona.

6. Terek Grozny vs. Anzhi Makhachkala – Russian Premier

mah-Kahtch-kuh-LAH.   Noob hasn’t checked in with our more Russian-knowledgeable pal The Management yet, but I’m pretty sure that town name translates to “can’t play defense”.   Anzhi’s given up an astounding 31 goals in just 15 matches.  That’s nine more than the next worst in the league.  They’re in second-to-last while Terek Grozny is 11^th.  Still in the Drop Zone.   RESULT:   1-1

7. Brondby vs. Randers – Danish SAS-Ligaen

Last place-Randers, you’re becoming a regular!   You beat a team a couple leagues below you in your FA Cup recently.  Before that, you were on another Relegation Monday, earning a tie!   Noob’s watching his mailbox for thank you-swag, hoping you thought to send some before things go south against #3 Brondby.   RESULT:   Brondby   3-1

  Those gloves would make nice swag, creepy lady.

8. PAOK Salonika vs. Asteras Tripoli – Greek Super League

Tripoli is tied for last place.   Three teams will get sent down at season’s end.  The “Star of Tripoli” has been dreadful at home, but I’m sure they’d still rather be there than playing #3 PAOK on the road.   RESULT:   PAOK   0-2

9. Lillestrom vs. Aalesund – Norway Eliteserien

AW-Luh-soon.   Second-to-last, but at least you’re way ahead of Viking.  This is a gettable road match, as Lillestrom is only a couple spots up the standings.  Tangotroyene = “Tangoshirts”.  You’ve a glorious nickname!  Get above that line.   Or not.   RESULT:   Lillestrom   4-0

  Smiffys!  You know you’ve been tango’d.

10. Defensa y Justicia vs. Olimpo de Bahia Blanca – Superliga Argentina

Likely no swag coming Noob’s way from O.B.B.   We know them from Tracking their recent loss to second-division Deportivo Moron.  And I cheered.  Lustily.

So go ahead, get mad, Aurinegro.  But though you’re on last in the league this season, you’re only in the fourth-to-last Relegation slot in the three-year table that determines such.  Stay focused.  DyJ’s only won one game themselves.   Still in the Drop Zone.   RESULT:   1-1

   Now, hold on just a goldurn minute there, Olimpo!

1. Toluca vs. Morelia – Liga MX

5^th hosts 6^th.  Just two games to go for these two here in the Torneo Apertura.  The top eight league teams will advance to the Liguilla – postseason tournament.  These two are likely in.  Morelia could get jumped by the two teams below them if they lose their last two.   Morelia leaps into a three-way tie for 3rd place.   Toluca drops to 7th.   RESULT:   Morelia   0-1

B.  Vitesse Arnhem vs. PSV Eindhoven – Dutch Eredivisie

4^th host 1^st here, and PSV has yet to lose at home in league this season.   Only the top two will qualify for 2019 Champions League.   Arnhem slips to 5th.   RESULT:   PSV   2-4

3. Club Brugge vs. Sint-Truidense – Belgian Jupiler League

1^st hosts 4^th.  Top six league teams make it to the playoffs for the Champions league berth or berths.

Something’s always bugged Noob.  They’re from Bruges.   What’s up with “Brugge”?  Turns out the village that comprises all the land that’s been reclaimed from the sea is a village-town named Zeebrugge.  RESULT:   4-1

   Port of Zeebrugge

4. Sampdoria vs. Chievo Verona – Italian Serie A

This was a 6/7 matchup when Noob scouted this league a few days back.  But then then C.V. got thumped by AC Milan and now are mired in 10^th.   Still, Sampdoria remains in line for a Europa League berth for next year as the standings are now.  Could they climb into C.L. contention?   Sampdoria holds at 6th, C.V. slides a notch.   RESULT:   Sampdoria   4-1

  C’mon, Dude, have a little faith.

5. Zenit St. Petersburg vs. Lokomotiv Moscow – Russian Premier

#2 vs. #1, bring out the borscht!  This league’s season nears its halfway point.  Either of these two would have to have a serious falling off to not get one of the league’s three Champions League berths for next year.  But the third of those have to play early round matches while the other two duck that.  And CSKA Moscow isn’t too far behind.   A new number one!   RESULT:   Lokomotiv   0-3

6. Siroki Brijeg vs. Zrinjski Mostar – Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier

3^rd hosts tied for 1^st.  Fine, whatever.   Noob needs to get off his chest in the hopes of exorcizing it.  I cannot think of this nation without also thinking about a certain deceased actor.   And now it’s a three-way tie for first!   RESULT:   S.B.   3-1

  Don’t look so surprised.  Noob can’t be the only one who gets Herve Villechaize on the brain.

7. Kashiwa Reysol vs. Kawasaki Frontale – J1 League

Just four matches to go in this league.  Kawasaki is one of the two who is almost certain to get a top Champions League berth.  3^rd place gets to go, too, but has to play in earlier rounds.  Kashiwa is right in the thick of it with two other teams for that slot.   Near disaster for Kawasaki, but they get a goal at 90′ to stay in the title hunt.   RESULT:   2-2

8. Hebei Chinese Fortune vs. Guangzhou Evergrande – Chinese Premier

Evergrande has already won the league title with two matches to go.  H.C.F., however, is in 3^rd and trying desperately to hold of a slew of contenders for that final Champions League berth.   RESULT:   HCF   3-0

  Hebei’s head coach or elderly Anton Chigurh having finally figured out out to smile and part his hair?

9. Jeonbuk vs. Jeju United – South Korea K League Classic

#1 vs. #2!  And Noob hasn’t even finished his borscht yet.  Jeonbuk has already qualified for Champions League next year.  Jeju is all but in now, too.   RESULT:   Jeonbuk   3-0

10. Independiente de Santa Fe vs. La Equidad – Liga Aguila

1^st hosts 5^th place.  La Equidad is in the top quartile of the league by virtue of having earned draws in nearly -half- their matches this season.  Independiente has fewer than almost any team there.  Quirky!   RESULT:   0-0

  Just what are you getting at?

1. Swope Park Rangers vs. Sacramento Republic – MLS playoffs

Here’s a matchup Noob didn’t call!  Real Monarchs were the regular season’s #1 team.  Yet into the first round strolled #8 seed Sacramento.  They didn’t win a match in October.  But they advanced here!   Meanwhile, Kansas City’s reserve team have only lost one match since early September.

Full disclosure, as always:  I really like the Swope Park Rangers’ name.  It echoes the fun Queens Park Rangers of the English Championship.  Still, KC is KC, and Noob will now nor ever carry water for any team from there.  None!  You win this round, The Management!   RESULT:   Swope Park   1-0

  The Management, I scoff at your love for Kansas City AND grumpy cats.

1. Louisville City vs. Rochester Rhinos – MLS playoffs

Louisville took bottom-seeded Bethlehem Steel completely to task first round, 4-0.  Rochester, however, needed a.e.t. just to sneak past mightily-struggling Charlotte 2-1 at their own place.  With Real Salt Lake out, it’s hard not to see the East’s #1 as the clearcut favorite to take the Cup.   RESULT:   Louisville   1-0

3. Manchester United vs. Tottenham Hotspur – English Premiere

Tottenham is the one team so far that looks like they could challenge the Manchester clubs for the title.  I dearly hope it does not remain so.  Noob’s dislike for all things Kansas City pales like a candle to the sun compared to my utter disdain for Hotspur.  Namesake Henry Percy was a vile traitor to the crown, and Noob considers the spot he fell at Shrewsbury to be sacred ground!   RESULT:   Man Utd.   1-0

   Yes, actual photo of Henry Percy’s death.

4. Bayern Munich vs. RB Leipzig – German Bundesliga

My oh my, but this is going to be a fun league to follow all year it looks like.   The race is wide open so far, with no severe dropoff anywhere short of the Relegation spots.

That said, Leipzig has had to win very close all season.  Despite this being a 2/3 matchup in the standings, Noobstradamus calls it like he sees it in his mind.  In the dark.  When strange thoughts flow in, like, “Where am I?  Where did I leave my pants?  Did I have a good time?”

Oh yes, Bayern 3-1.   Minor Noob fail.  Got the margin right anyway.  RESULT:   Bayern   2-0

  Butters raises the ante on merely raising a fist during the national anthem.

5. Monterrey vs. America – Liga MX

This feels like a mirror image nearly of the game above.  Well, except for the pantsless prognostication thing…  Anyway!  America is #2, but by winning all close games.   Monterrey doesn’t let almost anyone keep games close.   RESULT:   Monterrey   2-0

6. Al-Ahly vs. Wydad Casablanca – CAF Champions League

The final!  First leg.  The Saudi home side here is the better one on paper.  But if Wydad can keep this to, say, a 1-1 tie, then all bets are off when the 2^nd leg gets played in Morocco.   And so it shall be, all bets are off.   RESULT:   1-1

   Wiggedyly so.

7. San Francisco Deltas vs. Jacksonville Armada – NASL

This game may not mean a thing by the time it starts out West.  Jacksonville is in 5^th for the Spring-Fall aggregate standings, two points behind New York Cosmos for the last playoff spot.

But two hours before this one kicks off, aggregate last place Puerto Rico “hosts” the Cosmos.  The quotation marks are because the will be played on Cosmos’ home turf because of the natural disaster situation in the P.R.  If the Cosmos win, they’re in the playoffs, period.  A tie probably does it as well, unless JAX can overcome a four-goal deficit in the tiebreaking GD category.   Alas, it was for naught.  The Cosmos beat Puerto Rico 2-5.   RESULT:   Armada   0-2

8. T.N.S. vs. Cardiff MU – Welsh Premier

Time for 1 vs. 2!   We start with The New Saints.  They’re not running away and hiding from the league like last season, but they’re still #1.  And they score more than half again as many goals as anyone else.  MU Cardiff plays some of the best defense in the league though.   RESULT:   T.N.S.   2-1

   Will the pantlessness never end?

9. Dinamo Zagreb vs. Rijeka – Croatia First Division

13 games in and Zagreb has yet to lose this season.  But their four ties are keeping others’ hopes alive.  #2 Rijeka is a perennially really good side that has a better chance than anyone of getting a result on the road at D.Z.   RESULT:   D.Z.   3-1

10. Onduparaka vs. Vipers – Uganda Super League

This league is just getting going, but these are the 2^nd and 3^rd place teams.   One source Noob uses indicates Onduparaka were the only ones to not lose at home last year, but I think SC Villa can claim to share that distinction.   RESULT:   0-0

   Yep, they are The Catepillars.

Time for another Globetrotting Friday!  Since much of Amuricuh may soon need passports just for domestic flights, why not get a head start!  Since Friday’s are always light on “big leagues” matches, let’s pack our bags and jet out to smaller, less-heralded nation’s soccer leagues.

1. Puebla vs. Pumas UNAM – Liga MX

#16 vs. #17.  Noobites, we never ignore Mexico.  We will know our world locality.

Liga MX relegation uses a metric from the previous three seasons to determine which one team gets Relegated annually.  Neither of these two is on the chopping block right now.  But they need every win they can when playing matches where they have a real shot.   Puebla to 14th, UNAM to last.  RESULT:   Puebla   3-0

Next, our usual pond-hop.

B.  Leeds vs. Sheffield United – English Championship League

Sheffield United is currently tied for 2^nd place, one of the two spots that guarantee’s promotion to Premier League at year’s end.  Leeds is in 4^th, and 3^rd-7^th play a mini-tournament after the regular season to determine which also gets to move up.   Sheffield United to 1st!  Leeds remains in 4th.   RESULT:   Sheffield Utd.   1-2

And now, prepare for an avalanche of frequent flyer miles!  Jennifer Garner, you and your dad are both invited.

3. Narva Trans vs. Levadia – Estonia Meistrliiga

Welcome back into Noob’s life, you sultry double-i league, you!  5^th hosts 2^nd.  The league season is all but over.  The only mystery is whether Levadia can catch Flora for 1^st place the 2019 Champions League berth.

Russia nearly decided to build a uranium processing plant there in the 1940’s, as it is on the extreme eastern border of Estonia.   RESULT:   0-0

   Superior yellow cake

4. Europa FC vs. Glacis United – Gibraltar Premier

Last year’s 1^st hosts 4^th.  This is significant because Europa FC’s title broke a 14-year streak of championships by the Lincoln Red Imps.   RESULT:   Europa FC   2-1

5. ASF Bobo-Dioulasso vs. Santos – Burkinabe Premier

Last year’s 7^th and 14^th place sides face off here at the start of the new season.

In Bobo-Dioulasso, there is a sacred pond called Dafra.  People make pilgrimage to it, where they make offerings which get eaten by the giant catfish there.   RESULT:   0-0

  Les poissons de sacre (how Noob -loves- les poissons!)

6. Vital’O vs. Les Lierres – Burundi Premier

6^th vs. 5^th.  Bujumbura, home to Vital’O FC, is also home to the second-deepest lake in the world.  Lake Tanganyika.  They ship enough coffee out of there to make even a Red Bull addict jealous.   RESULT:   Vital’O   1-0

7. CMAC United vs. National Defense – Cambodia C-League

There’s only about four games remaining in this top-flight league.  They only play 18.  As might be expected, that means the standings are still really tight at the top.  National Defense is in 4^th, yet just four points out of 1^st.

CMAC, meanwhile, has some work to do to get out of second-to-last and avoid Relegation.  They are from the small province and town of Kampong Chhnang, which translates to “port of pottery”.   More like “port of goal poverty”.   RESULT:   National Defense   0-7

8. NTUPES vs. Fu Jen University – Taiwan Premier

Chinese Taipei if one prefers.  Noob doesn’t play Asian politics.  Or even mahjong.  These two are in 4^th and 5^th respectively.  National Taiwan University of Physical Education and Sport is the full name, a college that specializes in sports.   RESULT:   0-0

   Even without Noob being able to translate, that appears a quality crest

9. IDL vs. Sidekicks – Guam Soccer League

It’s really early in this league’s season.  And that pun wasn’t even intended, be as it may that Guam is the American territory with the earliest time zone.

Some teams have played two and others four games.  This match pits 2^nd vs. 7^th place, but those numbers may not mean much yet.  Noob -thinks- IDL stands for Isla de something, not international dateline.   Took a few days, but a result finally was available.   RESULT:   IDL   6-1

10. Barranquilla vs. Deportivo Pereira – Colombia Premier B

It’s the last game of the Torneo Finalizacion – the second half-season of the year.  These two are tied for 1^st place, the hosts leading by just three goals differential.  This is not for the true Title though, but rather for seeding in the bracketed Knockout tournament to follow.  The winner of that and the Torneo Apertura postseason tournament will then face off.

Barranquilla is incredibly well known for its annual four-day pre-Ash Wednesday festival.  Cumbia music in Latin America owes much of its popularity to this city.  And this guy!  Enjoy some as you venture out into more interwebs things.   RESULT:   Barranquilla   2-0

Woe is Noob!   I failed to have you Track the MLS playoffs Knockout Round matches yesterday!   I scout games several days in advance.  I had FA Cup fever.  These are reasons, but not offered as excuses.   Noob will now go beat himself around the shoulders with a wire coat hanger.  Figuratively.

And so, the MLS Cup Knockout Round continues.  The winners in these one-off opening matches advance to face #1 or #2 seeds.  From that point forward, all matchups will be two-legged ties until the Final.

1. Houston Dynamo vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS playoffs

This will be the third time these two have faced off in October.  The #4 Dynamo earned a draw in KC and beat the #5 seed by a goal at home.  The winner gets #1 seed Portland.

Noob continues to be torn!   No love for Kansas City!  Though they get plenty from The Management here.  Houston we can all agree deserves our ridicule as a Swamp City.  (See the Vocab Noob-style link if confused.)  For the sake of Playoff peace, I will suck it up and pull for Kansas City.  Go, KC.   RESULT:   Houston   1-0

    HA! hahahahahahahaha

B.  Atlanta United vs. Columbus Crew – MLS playoffs

The East’s 4/5 matchup, winner getting #1 Toronto.  Everyone wants to see Atlanta-Toronto.  Given that Columbus Crew might be moving to Austin (see a previous D-Twosday interview with USL Austin expansion club owner for details), even Ohioans may be leaning that way.   Atlanta trails only Toronto in league-wide goal differential.   RESULT:   Columbus   0-0 / 1-3

3. Santos de Guapiles vs. Olimpia – CONCACAF League

It’s the second leg of the Final!  Winner gets into next year’s CONCACAF Champions League.  Costa Rican SdG already leads 1-0 on aggregate, so the Hondurans have a tough row to hoe here.  Noobstradamus was enjoying some conch soup and listening to Banda Blanca when all seemed to go nearly dark.

Then a Costa Rican flag appeared.   Then a Honduran one.  In the ambient light, the two came together, twisting and turning, battling to the punta beat.  As the primera and segunda drum beats came to a climax and the music ended, Honduras flag overtopped the other.   Olimpia will overcome the deficit and be victorious.  Noobstradamus has spoken.   Conch soup for everyone!   RESULT:   Olimpia   0-1.  Olimpia then went on to win the tie and title on PK, 1-4.

Back to the mid-week FA Cup action from around the world!   We’re looking for “minnows” – underdogs from lower leagues that might rise up to the challenge of top-flite foes.

4. Lleida vs. Real Sociedad – Spanish Copa del Rey

The Round of 32, first leg of the tie – Third-tier Lleida hails from a town of the same name.  They have a reasonably cool nickname in “The Firmlanders”.  It likely comes from the town being in the middle of the Catalonian Central Depression, being between pre-coastal Spain and Pyrenees.  Oh, and they’ll be lucky to lose by just two.  RESULT:  Real Sociedad   0-1

   You can’t score kicking an “invisible ball”, fellas.

5. FC Volendam vs. PSV Eindhoven – Dutch Cup

Second round – It’s a one-off between the worst second-tier team and the best club in the nation.  Volendam’s a sooooooooper Catholic little town.  Noob wonders which is the patron saint of enduring butt-kickings.   RESULT:   Eindhoven   0-2

6. Holbaek B&I vs. Randers – Danish FA Cup

Fourth Round – only 16 clubs remain, and crappy top-flight team Randers faces a hungry bunch that have already beaten SAS-Ligaen Horsens.  Hoelbaek is either third or fourth tier.  Noob cannot quite divine the exact structure of the league pyramid there.   I guess Holbaek was full.   RESULT:   Randers   1-4

   Another Danish mystery…

7. FC Schotz vs. Lugano – Swiss FA Cup

Round of 16 – The fourth division of Swiss football is the lowest one to not be fully amateur.  Schotz is a tiny little town of under 5,000 in the general vicinity of Lucerne.  Given how well so many Super League teams are doing of late internationally, Lugano could make this one very ugly, very quickly.   Instead, drama!  Deciding goal not scored until 117′.   RESULT:   Lugano   2-3

8. Trikala vs. Atromitos – Greek FA Cup

Group Stage – These two each won their first games in the Group.  Trikala’s off to an awful start in the second-tier league.  Can they keep pace against Super League’s “The Fearless”?   RESULT:   1-1

   Trikala:  Love our sub-Olympic crappy crest?

9. Etar vs. Septemvri Sofia – Bulgarian FA Cup

Second Round – Both of these club were promoted to First League this season.  Based on the way they’re both performing, it might not be a horrible prop bet in Vegas if you can get it that both of them will be sent back down in a few months.   RESULT:   Etar   2-1

10. Al Nassr FC vs. Al Hilal – Saudi Arabia Premier

3^rd hosts 2^nd in a non-Cup match Noob is sneaking in.    The hosts team name translates to “victory”.  They need one.  It’s early, but they’re already three points behind both Al Hilal and goal machine Al-Ahli.   RESULT:   Al Hilal   1-2

   Goal machine 2.0

It’s by an large another fabulous Cup day!   We’re minnow-seeking again.  Who doesn’t love an underdog?  But first, league matches of import.

1. Barcelona S.C. vs. Gremio – Copa Libertadores

Noob was surprised to discover that on paper this looks like a pretty good matchup.  Ecuador isn’t a sexy name like Argentina or Brazil.   This is the first leg of the semifinal.      Paper can be misleading.   RESULT:   Gremio   0-3

  Look at those eyes.  He was a fullback before turning to Shakespearean acting after retiring from football.

B.  Aberdeen vs. Celtic – Scottish Premier

Celtic lost four league matches in the 2015-16 season.  They haven’t lost one since.  It’s no wonder people talk about Celtic going the route of some Welsh teams and joining the English soccer system.  But Noob understands this may mean having to start several levels down, not jumping right to Premiere League there, and that may not be appetizing to them.  Aberdeen is tied with them for 1^st for now.   RESULT:   Celtic   0-3

3. Green Buffaloes vs. Lusaka Dynamos – Zambia Super League

The standings in this league are sooo tight at the top!   2^nd hosts 4^th place here, though it’s worth noting the 3^rd place team has played two fewer matches than most other clubs.  Five teams are within six points of 1^st place, and half the league probably still consider themselves in the hunt.   Dynamos slip to 5th; G.B. fall to three points behind 1st.   RESULT:   0-0

    When Red Bull buys them, the transition will be hard to take for some.

4. Monterrey vs. Universidad de Guadalajara – Copa MX

Back to the Copa waters around the globe to find us some minnows!   UdeG has performed so poorly in Ascenso MX this year, they’re unable to qualify for the next Copa.  Liga MX Monterrey at their place is an uphill swim and then some.   Well-fought though, UdG!   RESULT:   2-2 / 4-3 pk

5. Tottenham vs. West Ham United – EFL Cup

Mmmmm… rescheduled ham…   Ho ho!   The Traitors blew a 2-0 HT lead.  Joy!   RESULT:   West Ham   2-3

   Mm hm.

6. Chelsea vs. Everton – EFL Cup

Despite success so far in this tournament, Everton’s head coach just got sacked.  Being a traditional semi-power in league and suddenly dropping to the bottom three will do things like that.   RESULT:   Chelsea   2-1

     Did Sean Penn make that mistake as well?

7. Yeovil Town vs. Chelsea U21 – EFL Trophy

A reminder of just what this is:  a tournament for the 3^rd and fourth tier leagues, plus the B/youth sides for teams higher up.  This is still early in the Group Stage, so one game is much more critical then another.  But Noob feels an ancestorly connection to England, and likes the pronunciation (YOH-vil), so Track them we shall.   Yeovil True!   RESULT:   Yeovil   1-1 / 5-3 pk

8. Formentera vs. Bilbao – Spanish Copa del Rey

Noob needs to find the ocean-equivalent of a minnow here.  Formentera is from one of the Baelric Islands.  The town the club is from is the largest on the island, yet may not have quite 3,000 people even.  They play in the third tier of Spain’s football pyramid, but get a tough Primera Division side here in the Fourth Round.   The dream remains alive!   But this is a two-legged tie.   RESULT:   1-1

  Taking up sailing.  Adopting this team!

9. VfL Osnabruck vs. 1. FC Nurnberg – German DFB Pokal

VfL Osnaburck is a third-tier mainstay in German soccer.  Though they’re doing poorly enough they could wind up in a regionalized fourth-level league by next season if they don’t step it up.  But they got a Bundesliga team (Hamburg) at home in the First Round and took them out, so it’s not unthinkable they could dismiss a very good 2. Bundesliga side here as well.   RESULT:   Nurnberg   2-3

10. Huachipato vs. Santiago Wanderers – Copa Chile

Second leg of the Semifinal here.  Huach (Noob’s on that level of formality with them) earned a draw on the road in the first leg (1-1).  Advantage:  Huachy.  My little Huachimama.   Apparently they don’t use away-goals as a tiebreaker in this event.  Wanderers advance.   RESULT:   0-0 / 3-5 pk

   Noob wasn’t soliciting opinions, harlot!

 

 

By and large, weekends are for league games.   Mid-week matches are for tournament/cup play.   Today is absolutely overrun with various nations FA cups!    Rather than try to pinpoint which matches might be a trifle “better” than others, Noob’s going a different route.

Most of the Tracked games here will involve “minnows” – teams from far down the league pyramid in their nations.  They are what make the events so fun, seeing how far they can really go!   I’ll make an effort to continue Tracking these underdogs, should any survive.

1. River Plate vs. Lanus – Copa Libertadores

If this game is really on, that must’ve been a reserve side that lost yesterday in the Copa Argentina to third-tier Deportivo Moron.  Because there’s no way they would do split squads mixing starters and bench guys for both.  CL is just too important.

The winner of this two-legged semifinal will get either Ecuadoran side Barcelona S.C. or Brazilian bigshot Gremio.   Holding serve.   RESULT:   River Plate   1-0

1. AFC Bournemouth vs. Middlesbrough – EFL (Carabao) Cup

With so many games to choose from, going with one involving my beloved Cherries!   Bournemouth is having a devil of a time in Premiere League, but they’ve made it to the Fourth Round of the second-most prestigious tournament in England.  They’ve got a fair draw, too, getting a .500 second-tier team coming to their place.

Noobstradamus meditated for many hours in the dark, the only sensory input from a shrouded Yankee Candle, ‘Cherries on Snow” scent.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  Interfering?  Quite possibly.   But the vision is 3-1 Bournemouth.  Let it be so.   And so it was be’d!   RESULT:   Bournemouth 3-1.

  And you thought Noob was making up that scent.

3. Tottenham Hotspur vs. West Ham United – EFL (Carabao) Cup

Mmmmm.   Ham.   Now slated for tomorrow

  NOT country ham!   Noob would rather eat an old camel saddle.

4. America vs. Cruz Azul – Copa MX

Really good Copa matchup, especially considering we’re only in the Round of 16.   It’s the league current #2 vs. #7.  More than that, neither of these teams are exactly masters of defense.  Should be entertaining.

5. Toluca vs. Atlante – Copa MX

Bad news, Atlante.  Copa MX bracket assignments are not random, so you get #1 seed Toluca at on their pitch.  The good news is, you’ve been playing smoking hot football in second-tier Ascenso league.  Oh wait.  You’re in second to last.  My bad.  Noob is in possession of that bad.   Noob is doubly sorry now.   Upset!!   RESULT:   Atlante   1-1  /3-5 pk

   Noobpolean Dynamite.

6. Cartagena vs. Sevilla – Spanish Copa del Rey

It’s only down to the last 32.  A few minnows survive this long, so it’s a fun time!  Kind of like rooting for that #13 seed that somehow wins the first two games in NCAA basketball tournament.

Cartagena plays in the regionalized third tier of Spanish soccer.  They’re in 4^th place in their league, but even for just being 10 games In the race is wide open to at dozen teams or so.  Cartagonova is a major naval base, which explains the kind of children’s book drawing-submarine on their crest.   Oof dah.   RESULT:   Sevilla   0-3

   Boaty McBoatface would kick.  Your.  Ass.

7. Schweinfurt 05 vs. Eintracht Frankfurt – German DFB Pokal (FA Cup)

Schweinfurt’s a silly-looking name to Noob.  One of this Bavarian fourth-tier teams’s nicknames is “die schnudel”.  One translation my buddy found indicates this translates to mean a miser or niggardly person.  I found one that indicates is means the cable and plug from an overhead projector.   Kicked right in the schnudel.   RESULT:   0-4   Entracht Frankfurt

   Is -that- a schnudel??

8. Western Sydney FC vs. Adelaide United – Australian FFA Cup

Last league season’s 9^th and 6^th place teams face off in this semifinal the right to get a dingo skin boot planted in their arses by Sydney FC.   RESULT:   Adelaide   1-2

   What the…

9. Atletico Tucuman vs. Velez Sarsfield – Copa Argentina

This is a really well-balanced matchup.  Despite the fact that neither is doing particularly well early in the Superleague season, the winner has a darn good shot at advancing past the next round and into the finals.  Rosario Central awaits the winner, and that team is off to an even poorer start.   RESULT:   Tucuman   1-0

10. North Korea vs. Mexico – women’s international friendly

I wonder if enough on either side understands the other’s language enough that they can enjoy some friendly banter, jokes about Trump.  Also, North Korea’s actually a top-10 national team worldwide.   RESULT:   North Korea   1-0

  Must admit, their cheerleading outfits are unique

It’s back and better(?) than ever!   Relegation Monday, where Noob has to live with the fact that there just aren’t many big games from big soccer leagues around the world.  To supplement, we make use of the time and look at games involving teams that at season’s end might get the boot to a league one level down in their nations.

Two games of some import, and then it’s “Drop” time.

1. Israel vs. Spain – UEFA women’s WCQ

The Group stage is really just getting started.  Israel is ranked in the 50’s worldwide, Spain in the teens.   Good golly, senorita Molly.   RESULT:   Spain   0-6

B.  France vs. Ghana – international friendly

#4 ranked France hosts the second-most highly ranked African team (#46).   Good goll-ier!   RESULT:   France   8-0

3. Olimpo de Bahia Blanca vs. Deportivo Moron – Copa Argentina

Double feature!   OBB is on the possible Relegation chopping block based on poor league performance, yet is still alive in their national FA Cup!  We’ve Tracked Moron before; it’s nice to see the third tier minnow still swimming here in the Quarterfinals.   Moron has done it!!   Upset, and on to the semis.   RESULT:   0-1

That was O-BB-!   Still, Noob wishes to be armed with harmony.

4. Moreirense vs. Portimonense – Portuguese Liga

Moreirense is in second to last place.  This is perhaps surprising, given that they won the last League Cup in January.  Portimonense is only a couple notches higher, yet Noob senses a road win.  We’ll be seeing more of you in weeks to come, Green-and-Whites.   Whoops.  Somehow found the game mislisted.   Moreirense played Braga, lost 0-1.

5. Randers FC vs. AaB – Danish SAS-Ligaen

Randers FC is in last place.  Fortunately for them, the bottom eight (of 14) league teams will play a Relegation avoidance tournament at regular season’s end.  It might be seeded though, or use modified standings from the regular season, so they have incentive beyond just pride to stop sucking.   AaB is in 9^th.   Randers remains in last, but only by one points.  AaB climbs into a tie for 8th.   RESULT:   1-1

  Randers- city famous for centuries for glove-making.  And reeeeally creepy chicks…

6. Jonkopings Sodra vs. Kalmar – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

J.S. is right on the brink of ueber-stink.  They’re in third-to-last-place, which is not quite an auto-Relegation spot.  If they they remain there, at regular season’s end they will play the 3^rd place team from Sweden’s second tier league for the right to play top flight next year.

Elmia is an exhibition center in Jonkoping, and hosts the world’s largest LAN party (DreamHack) annually.  To Sweden, eSports fanatics!   They’re clear!   For the moment.  Jonkopings climbs into fourth-to-last by virtue of goal differential.  RESULT:   J.S.   3-0

  Is that a Swedish Rami Malek I see?

7. Kolkheti Poti vs. Shukura – Georgian Erovnuli League

Welcome to Noob, country-Georgia!  This national top-tier league has ten teams.  The last place finisher will get the boot.  The next two from the bottom will take part in some sort of Relegation avoidance tournament, presumably with the 2^nd and 3^rd place teams from the second-tier league.  This is where K.P. come in; they’re in 9^th place right now.

Poti is so far in back of the rest of the pack, they cannot climb out of the Relegation playoff zone.  But at least they can’t get anywhere near the putridness of 10^th place Shukura.   It’s another Relegation double feature!  RESULT:   ppd

   A bit busy, but at least a solid crest, Shukura.

8. Dinamo Batumi vs. Samtredia – Georgian Erovnuli League

D.B. is the 8^th place league team.   They could climb to 7^th before season’s end though.  Even at home, playing the current 3^rd place and defending league champion isn’t promising.

Batumi is the capital of the once-autonomous region of Adjara.  It’s mainly a seaside resort city and gambling destination, especially for Turks.   Turns out this match was played 10/18.   World soccer calendars are not an exact science it seems.

   No.   I said no…

9. Zimbru vs. Edinet – Moldova A Division

Who else but Noob dares to bring you the high drama of Moldovan second tier football?!  Is that a rhetorical question?!  Have I taken my head meds today?!

Interrobangs aside, let’s tell some truth.  Edinet is a town of maybe 20,000 in the northwest of the nation.  And Noob doesn’t usually run blue, but their football club sucks more than a whore on quarter night.  They’re in distant last place in the Relegation avoidance playoff this year.  Here they travel to the league’s best team (7^th) to get caught in this quagmire.   Mea culpa, Edinet!   Upset!!   RESULT:   Edinet   0-2

   Boots and cuts and boots and cuts and boots and cuts.

10. Rot-Weiss Essen vs. Bonner SC – German Regionalliga West

Congratulations, Noobites!   By keeping your eyelids up right now, you already know more about regionalized fourth-tier German soccer than anyone you know.  Use the knowledge wisely.

Bonner SC is in 15^th place, the highest of four slots that will face possible relegation to the fifth-tier Oberliga at season’s end.  Heaven forbid!  Then again, since the turn of the millennium, this club from Bonn has already gone insolvent once, had to re-enter the football pyramid at the 7^th level on the German Soccer pyramid.   RESULT:   Rot-Weiss   4-0

   Yes,. we had to dig deep there.  And know, that’s not Noob’s butt.  It isn’t nearly so flat, but rather like so much ripe melon.

And finally, congratulations to Swedish Allsvenskansliga 2017 champions Malmo!  You led from pillar to post, fella.

   Noob is springing for an Eco Trance party for y’all.   No baby seals allowed.

 

1. Real Salt Lake vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

One game to go in regular season!   The Western Division still has three teams alive for the sixth and final playoff spot.

RSL is in 8^th, but just one point behind San Jose and Dallas.  More so than most good teams, 4^th place KC stinks on the road.   Things are tight at the top of the Western Division, so KC could still climb into the top two, important for getting home field playoff games.

Noob doesn’t know what to do.  Teams with “royal” (real) in their names drive me bonkers!  Yet I’m also not a fan of anything Kansas City, begrudgingly save the BBQ.   The Management loves him his KC though.  Know what?  Stow it, The Management!   Muahahaha.  I’m not pulling for your KC side.  I’m just hoping for red cards and extra time all around.   Congrats on winning, RSL!   But your royal arses are out.  RESULT:   2-1

1. FC Dallas vs. L.A. Galaxy – MLS

Dallas gets what should of course be an easier match against the last place Galaxy.   Congrats to you as well, Dallas!   But you’re out.  Many competitions use goal differential for the first tiebreaker in standings.  You were an astounding -21- goals better than San Jose.   But tiebreaker #1 is wins.   RESULT:   Dallas   5-1

   But congrats on the baseball success, L.A.!

1. San Jose Earthquakes vs. Minnesota – MLS

But Minnesota isn’t any good; they have the worst GD in the division.  The Quakes own the tiebreaker against Dallas.  So win and they’re in.   And a sincere congrats to San Jose.  RESULT:   3-2

1. Portland Timbers vs. Vancouver Whitecaps – MLS

The playoff spots in the Eastern Division are already wrapped up.  The Timbers are tied for 2^nd and have the tiebreaker over Seattle.  If they can beat the Canadiaians at home, they get the #1 postseason seed.   Portland vaults to the #1 seed in the West.  Vancouver slips to 3rd since Seattle won their game today.   RESULT:   Portland   2-1

 Two-headed beaver!!   Thanks.  Thanks a load, Kirk Cameron.

1. Jacksonville Armada vs. New York Cosmos – NASL

Two games to go in the regular season!  These two are battling for the fourth and final playoff spot.  JAX couldn’t get a win against a poor Edmonton side a few days ago, so now they’re two games in back of the Cosmos.  A tie keeps the Armada alive, but for all intents and purposes they need the win here.   No ground gained for the Cosmos.   RESULT:  1-1

 Kids, a hard life lesson from Noob:  Jacksonville is not that fun.

1. U.S.A. vs. South Korea – women’s international friendly

U.S.A women are #1, in our hearts and by ranking.  South Korea is down to 15^th.  In ranking.  They can be higher in our hearts.  Let’s hug and talk about your neighbor.   South Korea may not be in a hugging mood.   RESULT:   USA   6-0

1. Al Ahly vs. Etoile du Sahel – CAF Champions League

It’s the second leg of the semifinal.  Tunisian du Sahel won 2-1 at home in the first match.  Al Ahly typically reigns in Africa from on high in Egypt.  Noobstradamus divines a victory for the home side, 3-1!   Down with Tunisia!   You are never forgiven.   For great justice!   RESULT:   Al-Ahly   6-2

The abandoned Star Wars set in Tunisia Noob sees every night with his eyes closed.

1. Penarol vs. Defensor Sporting – Uruguay Premier

In 1989, the federal government realized that no one gave a crap about their country compared to the other big ones in South America.   They needed an identity.   No one had ideas.   Their country was boring.

One day that fateful year, a stenographer there piped up during a legislative session about her U-key being worn out and that they couldn’t legally continue proceedings until it was fixed.   National party members encouraged her to just use the ampersand key in the U’s place for the day.  Colorado members shouted them down, decrying their opponents’ efforts to make things impure.

Once they ran out of breath, representatives from various Broad Front coalition parties pointed out a solution to the national identity (if not stenographical) problem:  what they had was more U’s than anyone!  A proclamation was made that Uruguay would forever be “The Land of U’s”, and that 22 October would forever more be “U Day”.   And that Burundi could suck it with just their two.  Why other nations with two U’s in the name were omitted from this “invitation” remains a tightly-held secret to this day.

And so – happy U day!  1^st hosts 2^nd.   Ppd.  No reschedule date cited.

  Feliz dia de la U!

1. Suduva vs. Zalgiris Vilnius – Lithuania A Lyga

Speaking of U’s.   2^nd place hosts 1^st.   This seems to end the regular season here.   Suduva, ZV, and Traika will play some sort of minitourmanent for the Title.   Suduva moved into first.   RESULT:   Suduva   3-0

1. Dynamo Kiev vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – Ukraine Premier

2^nd hosts vs. 1st place.  These two will hang out atop the standings all season long.  There’s a real gulf between these and the rest of the league.   RESULT:   0-0

   <–  Feodosian Gulf.  It’s off Ukraine.   Nope.  Not apologizing.

 

The postseason – for one league, anyway – has finally arrived in Amuricuh!  16 teams are in eight from each conference.  It’s seeded, it’s bracketed, and it’s one game and done for each pair of contestants.   Noobs loves his D-II soccer like a fat kid loves cupcakes, but we will pace ourselves and not neglect the rest of the world.

1. Swope Park Rangers vs. Phoenix Rising – USL Playoffs

This is one the two 4/5 matchups.  Swope Park and Phoenix just about couldn’t look more alike.  Same number of points.   Same W-L-T records.   Almost same home-away splits.  Rangers scored five more goals on the season.  They allowed the same number.

SPR’s been good in recent weeks, but Phoenix has only lost -once- since August, and nary a tie in the streak.  Noob’s thinking road upset, though it could just wanting the Kansas City affiliate to go down.  Right, The Management?   It took playing a half on each day of the weekend, but it done did got done.   RESULT:   Swope Park   1-1 / 4-2 pk

B.  Rochester Rhinos vs. Charlotte Independence – USL Playoffs

The other 4/5 matchup is more a clash of styles.   Rochester gets it done on defense, while Charlotte scores and gives up plenty both.  If momentum exists, put the cashola on the Rhinos.  Charlotte has done nothing but lose since nearly the start of September.   RESULT:   Rochester   2-1

  Charlotte wrote Noob to tell you, “Garfield: The Movie”, Bill.   Noob’s just the messenger.

3. Chelsea vs. Watford – English Premiere

5^th hosts 4^th.  Watford has to be the surprise of the league so far, yet can it last?  They’ve only played two could teams – they tied Liverpool and got embarrassed 0-6 at home to Man City.  Chelsea, meanwhile, has faced and largely beaten better competition, and done so while also playing Champions League.  The switch places in standings.   RESULT:   Chelsea   4-2

4. Napoli vs. Inter Milan – Italian Serie A

8-0-0.  Averaging over three goals per game.  Can 2^nd place Inter Milan stop the Napoli bulldozer?  They haven’t lost, either.   Juve and Lazio now have chances to make up some ground.   RESULT:   0-0

  Which language is this hilarious in?   Weren’t we hiring an intern for just this sort of crap, The Management?

5. U.A.N.L. vs. Toluca – Liga MX

6^th hosts 4^th.  Noob just learned San Nicolas de los Garza is basically part of Monterrey, is an almost entirely residential municipality which Monterrey expanded out to meet.  It’s hard for me to think of a city of half a million as a “bedroom community”, but that is perhaps apt!   The victors to 3rd!   The losers to 6th.   RESULT:  U.A.N.L.   3-0

6. North Carolina vs. San Francisco Deltas – NASL

Last game for each before they both head to the league four-team playoffs.  SF is tied with Miami for this Spring Season title, but Noob isn’t convinced that means anything to them.  Deltas are headed to the playoffs as the #2 seed behind Miami no matter what happens.   North Carolina, however, is trying to hold off New York Cosmos for the #3 seed.   Miami beat Edmonton, in driver’s seat for Spring title now.  RESULT:   1-1

  Said it before, I’ll say it again:  Noob don’t need no reason.

7. Wydad Casablanca vs. USM Alger – CAF Champions League

Wydad earned a draw at USM in the first leg of this semifinal tie.  Now they have the advantage at home.  The winner will await either Egyptian power Al Ahly or Tunisian Etoile du Sahel.   Down go the loathed Tunisians!   USM Alger moves on to the Final.   RESULT:   Wydad   3-1

8. Yokohama F. Marinos vs. Kashima Antlers – J1 League

Yokohama is in 4^th and likely isn’t catching #1 Kashima, or even the #2 slot.  But they’re close behind Kashiwa for 3^rd, and that matters a ton.   No league playoffs here.  And top three teams make it to next year’s AFC Champions League.

Sadly for the only team I’ve seen that has a middle initial, Noobstradamus senses that road or home, Kashima can do no wrong and will shut out the Marinos.   Noob fail!   Kashima are now only two points up on Kawasaki for 1st.   Yokohama leaps Cerezo Osaka for 3rd.   RESULT:   Marinos   3-2

   The “F” stands for “foreseen doom!” for Yokohama.

9. Mexico vs. China – women’s international friendly

   We’re not afraid of you two taking “err jerbs”!  It’s the robots!!   Amuricuh, it’s time to build a wall somewhere to keep the automatons out.   This one actually got played in China.   RESULT:   China   3-2

10.  Colo Colo vs. Audax Italiano – Chile Premier

1^st hosts 3^rd place.  Fun fact!   Audax was founded in the hat store of an Santiago Italian hat store, but not as a football club.  At first, the focus was cycling!   RESULT:   Colo Colo   3-0

    Albert Caffi – haberdasher extraordinaire and bike-liker