2018-19 Isle of Sodor FA news Archives - Page 2 of 2

Knapford Town FC’s teen midfielder discovers grandma might as well be on Craigslist

February 15, 2019 – Vicarstown, Sodor

Image result for Nicolo Zaniolo score Champions League Porto “With the Nicolo Zaniolo mom- Instagram story coming out, it would only be a matter of time before Gerry Barstok’s did. We’re getting out ahead of it.” — Isle of Sodor FA President Abban Clague

AS Roma’s teen star Zaniolo just scored both UEFA Champions League goals in a 2-1 win over FC Porto. But what should be a fabulous week has turned nightmarish as he’d had to confront his mother over her too-sexy Instagram posting.

[Click HERE for the full story from The Mirror (UK).]

Ahead of this week’s Yards-Sheds classic between Knapford Town and Junction & Sheds FC, young Gerry Barstok has it even worse. It’s come to light that the “baddest grandma on the interwebs” is none other than Knapford Town midfielder Gerry’s own Nanna.

Image result for bad grandma instagram

More from FA Prez Clague: “Poor Gerry. This just…isn’t right. The FA will reign down hellfire on Junction & Sheds FC if it’s discovered their people had anything do do with outing this wannabe-burlesque’s true identity.”

“The shame Gerry must be feeling over this harlot’s brazenness must be overwhelming. We hope he will still be able to play, despite the weight of this strumpet’s embarrassment on his shoulders. To Gerry – sorry your Nanna’s a streetwalker.”

When told of the President’s words – in front of all his teammates and coaches – Gerry replied, “What the actual f—?!” One of Gerry’s teammates clapped a hand over his mouth before he made the situation of his grandmother being an AIDSy hussy even worse.

Related image

Gerry Barstok – hitting the field early for practice after a tough start to the day.

What a guy. Your future’s bright!

Sodor Championship match postponed after cows let loose in support of Sardinian milk protest

Feburary 9 -Toryreck, Sodor

The Championship League match between Toryreck and Cabalnoo slated for Sunday, Feb. 10 has been postponed until Monday night (6:45 PM local time).

This rescheduling is, of course, contingent upon Farmer Skillicorn being willing to rustle up his rampaging dairy cows. Again.

Skillicorn operates the biggest dairy on the Isle. Whenever there’s a milk protest somewhere in the world, he shows solidarity by letting his massive herd of cows loose on the local village. Players and fans alike stay indoors for safety, praying to whatever god they believe in. So what was the catalyst this time?

Image result for angry dairy farmer

“I’m John Skillicorn, and I approve of this message of bovine terror.”

Over in Italy, Sardinian dairy farmers surrounded Cagliari FC’s training facility today. Most players locked themselves inside. The prevailing thought is the farmers just wanted Cagliari to show their support by boycotting their Sunday match with AC Milan. Milk prices in Italy had plummeted in recent days.

[Click here for the “Sports Illustrated” coverage of the Serie A story.]

Two players participated in kicking over milk barrels. The team’s flight to Milan was delayed, but that match will go on as scheduled tomorrow.

As for Toryreck vs. Cabalnoo — it’s on for Monday. Image result for cows on soccer field

That’s provided Skillicorn doesn’t just move the cows over onto the local pitch. Again.

Sodor Premier League news! Tidmouth City striker transferred after team tai chi brawl

January 31, 2019 – Tidmouth, Sodor

Image result for isle of man soccer player Striker Cam Baker is out at Tidmouth City, has been transferred to a Turkish second division club.

Sodor isn’t oft a place of shenanigans or worse, yet the ouster mirrors a strangely similar sequence of events this month from the English Premier League.

In December, Fulham F.C. striker Aboubakar Kamara had a run in with teammate Alexsanar Mitrovic over who was to take a penalty kick. In January, Kamara scuffled with a security guard trying to storm the main offices and argue over the fine that ensued. Then most recently, he got into fisticuffs with the same teammate at a team yoga session. He felt Mitrovic had been rude to the instructor. (Read the Football365 article)

City’s Baker has also been a handful. He argued nastily with fellow striker Alex Mitre around Christmastime over a “Secret Santa” gift that that might not have met the minimum-spending agreement. While the club did not fine Baker, the fracture only deepened between the two players.

Image result for cheap secret santa gift

Baker wasn’t wrong. That’s just a terrible gift job on Mitre’s part.

Things came to a full head this week at a regular team tai chi session. Baker instigated full-on fisticuffs with Mitre. In fact, it took two players and a passer-by Zumba instructor to pull Baker off of him. The cause? Mitre made an admiring comment to the instructor about her “downward dog” style, w Image result for sexy downward dog hich Baker felt crossed a clear line of couth (and for which he has been suspended two matches).

Right or wrong regarding Baker’s chivalry, Manager Claud Rainn traded him quickly. Baker will finish the 2018-19 campaign as a kit launderer for women’s club Ilkadim Belediyespor of Turkey’s Kadinlar 2. Liga . In return, Tidmouth City will receive an autographed photo of Ilkadim midfielder Khatia Tchkonia.

(Not to be uncouth myself, but Noob thinks Tidmouth City easily got the better of this trade.)

Sodor Premier League news! Tim Howard who? 80-year old Sudric goalie announces retirement

January 30, 2019 – Arlesburgh, Sodor

Colin Lee, -80- year old goalie for Arlesburgh United Pirates Image result for soccer crest pirates of the Isle of Sodor Premier League has announced his retirement from competitive play. When asked what he thought of the MLS Colorado Rapids‘ 39 year-old Tim Howard‘s hanging them up after the 2019 season, Mr. Lee gruffly said, “Blargh. I have bunions older than that quitter.”

This 2011 Daily Mail article details his full English career; click here)

In 2012, Mr. Lee Veteran: Colin Lee, 72, started playing football when he was just six years old and has now been regularly partaking in the beautiful game for an incredible 66 years was sacked as secretary for eight Northampton, England area teams and as keeper for his Sunday League squad. His former Air Force Veterans’ teammate, 56 year-old Ollie Hight had this to say:

“The guy was 72. He did a lot of good, but it was time for him to bugger off, make room for up-and-comers like me.”

Colin Lee then retired across the Walney Channel to Arlesburgh, in the northwest of Sodor. Image result for Arlesburgh Sodor map As the oldest established town on the Isle, he found it suited him well. Here, he continued his 50-plus year career as a goalie, only occasionally reverting to his youth position of centre half.

But Arlesburgh United find themselves in last place in this, the inaugural IoSPL season. With Lee in a platoon at goalkeeper, the team has given up nearly seven goals per match, a staggering number even by loose-defense Sodor standards.

“If the other team kicks it right at me, I’ve got a shot. But they’ve figured out my weaknesses after having faced each club once on the year — I have trouble covering wide. And high. And low. I can actually get low sometimes, but then I can’t get back up and they sub me out.”

“I hope Tim Howard finds broadcasting dull and decides to replace me here. Perhaps he can get the team promoted to Premier again next year. Because we’re sure as shit getting sent down this season.”