Category: Interviews D-Twosday

Welcome, Noobites, to the final 2017 edition of D-Twos-Day Interview.  Noob’s had the unparalleled pleasure of interviewing coaches and myriad figures from the part of the soccer world we most celebrate: North American second division leagues!

But one of them, the North American Soccer League, is on its last legs.  They need our help!  Inspired by the 80’s classic song that raised nearly $150M in 2017-adjusted dollars to aid famine relief in Africa, Noob has gotten together an all-star cast to record a new version of”We Are the World”.

Thank you to all the surviving artists involved with the original for joining us.  Special thanks to Dominic Kinnear for not breaking out mid-song into any Rush classic.

And no, Noob has no idea how this will help.  But it WILL.  And if you don’t get this, go back and check out all the great Interviews!  The segment returns in 2018.

Lionel Richie:   There comes a time when we heed a certain call
When D-2 must come together as one.
Paul Simon:   A tier-two league is dying
And it’s time to lend a hand to NASL
Paul, Kenny Rogers:   A soccer gift for all

Noob:  Noob can’t go on pretending day by day
That somehow, some way it’s gonna get saved
Tina Turner:   We’re all a part of D-2’s big family
Billy Joel:  And the truth, you know,
Noob, Tina, Billy:   Is this is all we neeeeeeeed

Choir:   We are D-2.  We are the coaches
We are the fans, the concerned parties
So let’s keep singing
Diana Ross:   It’s a choice we’re making
It’s not just USL
Diana Ross and NASL federal case judge Margo K. Brodie:   It takes both leagues to make a better day
Just wait and seeeeeee!

Puerto Rico FC head coach Marco Velez:   Thought Noob was my tio, but now I call him Noober
And our lives together are stronger and free
Willie Nelson:   As we have shown you, by calling him “asshat”
Willie and Marco Velez:   We’re strong.  And nothing can defeat us now!
(background: Cyndi Lauper – “but Miami FCeeeeeeee!)

Edmonton FC head coach Colin Miller:   Called him the C-word – in Scottish Gaelic
But he mailed me booze, 30 years old
Turns out Noob’s no dick!

(background: Noob – “Could we find a way to rephrase that please?)

New York Cosmos owner Rocco Commisso:  D-2 status be damned
Noob agrees with me
It’s true we should just care
About qualiteeee!

L.A. Galaxy asst. coach Dominic Kinnear:   When you’re down and out, there seems no hope at all
Huey Lewis:   But if you just believe there’s no way we can fall
Cyndi Lauper:   Well, well, well!  Let’s realize that a change can only come
Huey, Cyndi, Kim Carnes, and OKC Energy ‘Grid’ fan club prez Joseph Pugh:   When we stand together as one!
(Joseph Pugh cont.:  “WOOO!!  Do it, Nooner!)

Choir:   They went dark-arts, went Santeria
Burned rabbit bones and burned Pele’s jock
To save our leaaaaague!
Incoming USL club owner Bobby Jones:  Noob hates my teams’ name – boring Austin FC.
Jacksonville Armada owner Robert Palmer:  At least he didn’t think you were a reincarnated pop-rock arteeeeest.

(key change!)

Choir:  We are the fans, the concerned parties
So let’s keep singing
It’s a choice we’re making
It’s not just USL.
It takes both leagues to make a better day
Just wait and seeeeeee!

The North American division two soccer leagues have wrapped up for 2017.  Congratulations to NASL champions San Francisco Deltas and USL winners Louisville City.!   What a fun ride.

I hope Noobites enjoyed reading the Interviews at least half as much as I enjoyed writing them.  Next week will be a special holiday gift-edition of the Interview.

Until then, continue to enjoy the 10 to Tracks entries!

Welcome to yet another thoughtful and rousing edition of D-Two-sday interviews!   Each Tuesday, Noob chats at a figure from the enviable world of North American Division Two soccer.

Noob’s voice barely recovered from last Twos-day.  All the “WOOOOO-ing” with the prez of a USL Oklahoma City Energy supporters club left my throat raspy and then some.

But no matter!  Today we revisit the issue of NASL’s lawsuit against USSF and the USL.  A few Interviews ago, Noob spoke with Rocco Commisso, NY Cosmos owner, about all the shenanigans.  Access it from the Interviews link at right or bottom (depending on the device you’re on) to educate yo-self.

Today, Noob has the great honor of talking with eastern New York federal judge Margo K. Brodie.

Noob:   Your Honor.

Judge Margo K. Brodie:  Please, we’re not in session here!   You can call me Margo.

Noob:  How about Kitsy?

Judge Brodie:  Ummmm… no.  

Noob:  But that’s what the K stands for.

Judge Brodie:  You seem an affable fellow.  Don’t push your luck with me though.

Noob:  Margo, I’m holding you in contempt of interview.

Judge Brodie:   That’s not a thing.

Noob:   I took the LSAT a long time ago.  Don’t think I don’t know my way around an interview.

Judge Brodie:  That… doesn’t make sense.

Noob:  Then our stage is perfectly set!

Judge Brodie:   Please state your name for the record.

Noob:  I am Noob!

Judge Brodie:  Let’s talk NASL lawsuit.

Noob:   I love you.

Judge Brodie:  Pardon me?

Noob:  You want to cut to the heart of what needs discussing.   It’s enchanting.

Judge Brodie:  And the lawsuit was anything but.  It was rubbish.

Noob:  Easy on the jargon there.

Judge Brodie:  I thought you took the LSAT?

Noob:  Well-played, Margo.  Sum up the rubbish, if you would.

Judge Brodie:   NASL had their sanctioning as a Division Two league by USSF stripped.  They didn’t meet certain criteria USSF put forth to maintain that level of sanctioning. They’re upset.

Noob:  NASL claims irreparable harm.

Judge Brodie:  It may well turn out that way.   Either way, NASL’s counsel failed to prove there was a conspiracy by USSF board members to vote in a collectively- schemed way in order to hurt NASL.  They failed to prove restraint of trade as well.

Noob:  USSF counsel argued that USL made just as much or more money when they were classified as D-III, a level at which NASL could seemingly be sanctioned.

Judge Brodie:   That argument wasn’t a very good one.  The analogy just didn’t hold. 

Noob:  And unreasonable restraint of trade?

Judge Brodie:  It’s like you said in the Commisso interview.  USSF can’t keep people from playing soccer, charging money for tickets.   The “Division II” status thing is just shininess.   It sounds cooler than Division III is all.

Noob:  I understand six teams were set to join the NASL next year, and that they argue now those teams may not come, per agreements made concerning D II status.

Judge Brodie:  Yep.   And that’s a them-problem, not a me- or anyone else-problem.  There’s just no legal reason NASL is entitled to relief.  Go play soccer.  Or don’t.  I kicked a ball around my backyard in short shorts the other day, charged the neighbor perv kids $5 each to stare at my legs.  USSF didn’t restrain me.  They couldn’t.

Noob:  Did they try?

Judge Brodie:  Have you seen my legs?

Noob:  No, Noob has not.  But point taken.   Maybe USSF would’ve granted you Division ‘Meow’ status.

Judge Brodie:  You’re a hoot.

Noob:  Don’t fall for Noob’s smooth ways just yet, Judge.   There’s another issue we have to discuss.

Judge Brodie:  Oh, so it’s “Judge” now?  Going to get tough on me?

Noob:  You’re from Antigua.  And you’re a soccer fan.

Judge Brodie:  Neither of those facts qualify as conflict of interest or problem in ruling on the NASL case.

Noob:   Nope.   But you’re a Parham F.C. fan.

Judge Brodie:  I was born in St. John’s.  

Noob:  Most of the teams playing in the Antigua and Barbuda Premier League are from St. John’s, true?

Judge Brodie:  Yes…

Noob:  So you could’ve picked any number of teams of which to be a fan. 

Judge Brodie:  True.

Noob:  And you chose Parham??  Your Honor, I present evidentiary exhibit A:

Judge Brodie:  That’s the crest for Parham.

Noob:  That…bear? Looks like it was drawn by a child, and likely not one who was., shall we say, enrolled in college-track classes at school.

Judge Brodie:  It’s kind of the mascot.

Noob:   It’s the worst crest Noob has ever seen!   The bear manages to be terrifying and yet artistically worthless at the same time.   No mother would even tape that on a refrigerator.

Judge Brodie:  I’m sorry you don’t like it.  I’m not sure what the point is exactly.  Am I on interview-trial for being a Parham F.C. fan?

Noob:  You don’t get to ask questions.  Your attorney can ask you anything she wants.  But you will restrict yourself, please, to only answering my direct questions.

Judge Brodie:  You’re an asshat.

Noob:  The plaintiff rests, your Honor.

Judge Brodie:  Am I the judge?   This is dizzying.

Noob:   You’re a wonderful interview subject is what you are, Margo.  Thanks so much for joining Noob.

Judge Brodie:  At least this got me out of playing pickleball with the other judges today…

And there you have it!  That was lush and aromatic.  Thank you for joining us, Judge Margo K. Brodie.  And thank YOU, Noobites, for taking part in another exciting edition of D-Two-Interviews!

Welcome to another exiting edition of D-Twosday Interviews!  The USL playoffs are in full swing, and Noob is so excited, he accidentally murdered the Man in the Yellow hat in the parking lot of a church during ‘trunk or treat’ Halloween festivities.

  It wasn’t the monkey, Dexter-girl.  It was that Noob!  *deathrattle*

“But, Noob, umm…that makes no sense.”

Pshaw.  If you think sense is part of the formula here, check out the archive of Interviews via the link near top right of the site.  But first, let’s meet our newest pal – the very excited President of the Oklahoma City Energy’s biggest fan support club, The Grid!

Noob:  Glad to have you on, Joseph Pugh.

Joseph Pugh:  I’m on tv — WOOOOOOOOOO!

Noob:  Are you holding a TV up to your ear, President Pugh?

Joseph Pugh:  Hahahahaha no.   I have you on speaker phone, and I can see me on the camera feature, so this has to be tv – WOOOOOOOOO!

Noob:  What if I told you this is just a phone interview?

Joseph Pugh:  Then I’d hang up and go be on tv by myself.

Noob:  Glad you could join us for this happenin’ tv interview!

Joseph Pugh:   Thanks, Nooner.  WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Noob:  I am Noob!

Joseph Pugh:   Must be a bad tv connection.  I thought Nooner was pretty funny.

Noob:  If you’ll keep the all caps-WOO-ing to no more than once every couple answers here, you can call me Nooner.

Joseph Pugh:   WOOOOOOOO! NOONER!!

Noob:  Congrats on the team’s success and your role in it as the leader if The Grid. 

Joseph Pugh:  Thanks, Nooner!.  Energy fans – Greens! Remember, if you can’t make the game on the 4^th to get to the watch party at the B-Dubs on the NW side.

Noob:  Noob enjoys the voice work John Goodman does for BWW.

Joseph Pugh:  I loved Roseanne WOOOOOOOO!. 

Noob:  And I love that your side defeated Salt Lake.

Joseph Pugh:  Best team in the league no more!   Love seeing “real” teams go down.

Noob:  I know, right?   Noob’s been preaching about nothing royal in this country.   WOOO!

Joseph Pugh:   That’s a mighty fine WOO you got there for starting out, Nooner.

Noob:  You’re too kind.  Tell me about some highlights of being in The Grid.

Joseph Pugh:  The best thing is the chants!  One we have is in honor of our head coach, Jimmy Nielsen.  [to tune of “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands”].  “We’ve got the biggest Jimmy in the world!   We’ve got the biggest jimmy in the whole wide world! –”

Noob:  That seems kind of penis-y.

Joseph Pugh:  The old favorite was one for an old NASL team, OKC Rayo.  [to tune of “You Are My Sunshine”]  “You come from Yukon.  You play in Yukon.  Why does your logo say OKC?  You’ll never know just how much we hate you.  Now please eff off and go your own way.”  WOOOO!

Noob:  The ‘please’ really classes it up.

Joseph Pugh:  I think it was our chant that ultimately led them to fold in 2016.

Noob:  Inarguably.  You fellas don’t like to drink, do ya’?

Joseph Pugh:  Ohho yeah!   WOOOO!  And for charities!

Noob:   Nooner’s intrigued.

Joseph Pugh:  Anthem Brewing gives us a keg for every tailgate, and people only have to bring canned goods to get a drinkin’ cup.

Noob:  Where do you drink?

Joseph Pugh:   Oh.  I see where you wanted to take this.

Noob:   From the The Grid website, “We need to be great neighbors, and the fact that Taft Middle School provides the backdrop to our epic tailgates…”

Joseph Pugh:  I’d take the time to be ashamed, but I’m heading straight from my first tv interview here to San Antonio for the next playoff round.”   WOOOOO NOONER!!

Noob:  Be safe on the road, President Pugh.  And try to remember that even some parts of Texas have open container laws.”

Joseph Pugh:  WOOOOOO!

And there you have it.  That look into the world of Division Two Soccer life was philosophical and enrapturing.   Thank you, Noonerites, for joining in on D-Twosday!

That second-tier North American soccer playoff smell is in the air!   Perspiration, desperation …and maybe more than a little hope for certain players that MLS clubs will be calling in a few months.  Breathe it in Noobites.  It’s glorious.

Full disclosure, as always from Noob:   It turns out it’s also a difficult time of year to get playoff coaches for interviews.  But fear not!  Noob’s reach is long and distinguished.  We’re going to talk to a guy who may be coaching in USL, if he’s lucky, next year.

Today, Noob welcomes to the D-Twosday Interview former San Jose Earthquakes head coach Dominic Kinnear!

Noob:  Welcome, coach Kinnear, to D-Twosday interview.

Coach Dominic Kinnear:   Is that like “twofer twosdays” on 100.3 The Sound here in L.A.?

Noob:  Very much so.  Would you like to make a musical request for our time here?

Coach Kinnear:  Rush stands the test of time more than any prog rock band ever.  Do you have “Vital Signs”?

Noob:  Does a Catholic bear crap in the Pope’s woods?

Coach Kinnear:  I….I don’t know.

 

Coach Kinnear:  I guess that answers that.  Rock on.

Noob:  I mixed a couple old saws together there into a jarring combination.  No worries.

Coach Kinnear:  Rush is all I have that makes me happy any longer.

Noob:  Tell me about what happened in San Jose.

Coach Kinnear:  Sure!  Not like I have playoffs to get ready for.  The men in high places.  They chose to mold a new reality.

Noob: “Closer to the Heart”, ’77.

Coach Kinnear:   They wanted to focus on youth.  We’d been playing pretty decent ball!  But glittering prizes, endless compromises…

Noob:  Indeed, the illusion of integrity seemed shattered.  “Spirit of Radio”.  Continue.

Coach Kinnear:  So I caught on as an assistant to L.A. Galaxy.  They chose me as something of a guide, like a celestial voice.

Noob:  1980, “Free Will”.  All-timer.

Coach Kinnear:  Fat lot of good it did.  San Jose sneaks into the playoffs on the last day of the regular season while my guys are last place.  Seems to be I could be living my life a lot better than I am.

Noob:  “Working Man”.  They used a version for the theme on “Transporter: The TV Series”.

Coach Kinnear:  That sucked.

Noob:  Don’t try to be cool around me.

Coach Kinnear:  Fine.  It was more than passable, if uneven in its only season.  I was out of synch with the rhythm of my own reactions.

Noob:   Ooooh.  Don’t tell me…don’t…dang it!  Stumped.

Coach Kinnear: “Secret Touch.”  You’re no fan!  Who do you think you are?  You’re not worthy to tune Neil Peart’s drum head.

Noob:  I am Noob.

Coach Kinnear:  I’d feel better if you played the song.

Noob:  I’d feel better if I knew for sure “tuning a drumhead” wasn’t a euphemism.  But the time we’ve had has been exquisite and mesmerizing, Coach.  Thank you for joining me for D-Twosday!

Welcome to what’s sure to be another riveting and likely dizzying foray into the world of Division Two North American soccer!  Last Two-sday, Noob shared his life-altering experience talking with NASL Jacksonville Armada owner, business phenom, and probably semi-reincarnated British pop-rock musician Robert Palmer.

Today, we do a first.   USL is actually the more dominant and financially viable of the two Division Two U.S. leagues.  Noob has stuck with the NASL since this segment’s inception because we just don’t know how long it can survive in its present form, if at all.   But we can stay away no longer.

Today Noob shares his chat with Bobby Epstein, owner of a soon to be expansion USL club in Austin, TX.

Noob:  Mr. Epstein, hello and thank you for joining Noob for D-Two-sday Interviews.

Bobby Epstein:  Is this third person thing you’re doing with yourself –

Noob:  Yes!  I refer to myself in the third person.   I weary of confirming this every single week.  Is it douche-y?  Sure!   Guilty as charged.   But it’s not like I invented it!

Bobby Epstein:  Ease up there, cowboy! I love this already.   You’re clearly not some run-of-the-mill sports journalist.

Noob:  I am Noob!!

Bobby Epstein:   Goldurn right you are!  Just stop accidentally typing “Booby” and then having to correct my first name.

Noob:  Wait, how can you?… Oh ho ho.   You’re a sly one.  You get this.  Detail me on the soccer situation down there, compadre.

Bobby Epstein:  Pro soccer returns to Austin in 2019.  The Austin Aztex played here in the mid-2000’s before getting relocated to Orlando.

Noob:   Swamp city!

Bobby Epstein:  I know, right?  Building on marshland always struck me as idiocy, too.  Aztex was reborn a few years ago, but their stadium got flooded and fans weren’t following them around to area high school stadiums.  Now I’ve bought in, taken over, and we’re going to play D-2 soccer at my Circuit of the Americas multi-complex entertainment venue, in a soccer-specific stadium.

Noob:  Too bad it looks like MLS club Columbus Crew is moving to Austin.

Bobby Epstein:  That’s an understatement. 

Noob:  Noob is far from certain there’s room for an MLS team and your D-2 club in that market.

Bobby Epstein:   Why do you think I’m so good-to-go for this wacky interview?   I can afford the good peyote.  I’m so high, I can almost understand why the former clubs here spelled Aztecs with that stupid X.

Noob:  So if your plans stay on course, you won’t be the Aztex?

Bobby Epstein:  I didn’t pump this kind of money into local soccer to prove I couldn’t spell or was 1990’s fake-hip.

Noob:  MLS commissioner Don Garber has been quoted as saying they’re not usually in favor of relocation, but Columbus’ ownership has their blessing as they explore new stadium possibilities there and moving to Austin.

Bobby Epstein:  “Welcome to the family, Bobby!  Don’t worry, we’re so in bed with USL that NASL is suing us.  Everything’s going to be great.  By the way, thanks for building the stadium.  We’re probably moving a Major League team to your area soon.” 

Noob:  Perhaps this is karmic punishment for only so far registering lame possible club names “Austin Atheltic” and “Austin FC”.

Bobby Epstein:  Sometimes one has to go along to get along.  American soccer clubs have emulated European club-naming conventions at least as often as not. 

Noob:  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

Bobby Epstein:  A fair point, yet let me turn the tables on you.  What would you name the club.

Noob:   FC SXSW.

Bobby Epstein:  South by Southwest?  Unique?  Sure.   But I’m invested in hosting the X-games, Grand Prix, other stuff.

Noob:  The Sixth Street something or others.

Bobby Epstein:   Been a while since you’ve been down here, eh?  That neighborhood is gentrifying.  The music here is hot as ever, but it’s not so centralized now, sadly.

Noob:  It is to weep.

Booby Epstein:   It is.HEY!   I see that unedited “Booby”! 

Noob:  Things has gotten too sad.   Sixth Street’s demise.  A confusing and complex soccer scene in Austin.  I had to switch things up.

Booby Epstein:  That was an asshat move.

Noob:  You’re goldurn right.   Good luck in 2019.

 

There you have it!   Another successful, educational, and yet still somehow stupefying safari into the world of North American Division Two soccer.   That was intoxicating and sweet.  Join us next Tuesday as Noob talks about goodness knows what with who the heck knows!

Noobites, welcome back to another saucy edition of D-Twosday Interview! So far , there seem to be no ill effects from our excursion into the forest and dark arts last week. Still, I think we’ll stay out of mysterious forests’ hearts for now.

Today, we get in touch by phone with Robert Palmer, the young phenom businessman who has the NASL’s Jacksonville Armada as part of his ownership portfolio with RP Funding and homevalue.com.

Noob:    Hello, and thanks for joining Noob for some interview time.

Robert Palmer:    Aren’t you Noob? That was third person.

Noob:    I am Noob!!

Robert Palmer:    Your reputation proceeds you, I follow now. And hello to all the Noobites.

Noob:    I love you.

Robert Palmer:    Huh?

Noob:    Never mind. I’m just thrilled you’re on board. Congratulations on the soccer team’s success so far this season.

Robert Palmer:    Thank you. We’re happy to be tied with the Cosmos to be the possible last team into the playoffs. Still work to be done.

Noob:    Yes, four games left. And you have a a far tougher road left than the Cosmos.

Robert Palmer:    But one game with them. Getting a win there will likely make or break the season.

Noob:    But I’m confused.

Robert Palmer:    Really? The aggregate Spring and Fall Season standings seem pretty cut and dry.

Noob:    Can I ask you a question that’s been bugging me?

Robert Palmer:    Of course.

Noob:    How did you get to established in the business world after your first career?

Robert Palmer:    I’m not sure what you mean.

Noob:    Oh, c’mon. “Addicted to Love”. “Simply Irresistable”. “Bang a Gong” with Power Station?

Robert Palmer:    Oh here we go.

Noob:    Why abandon such a diverse and successful music career to go into business?

Robert Palmer:    You’re serious.

Noob:    As a heart attack.

Robert Palmer:    We’re not the same person.

Noob:    With such an uncommon name? Codswallop.

Robert Palmer:    That guy would be decades older than me if he were still alive.

Noob:    Wait, what? Alive? Noobites, stuff just got really real here. We’re in uncharted territory.

Robert Palmer:   Robert Palmer the rock, pop, bossa nova and Caribbean-influenced musician of particular mid-to-late-80’s fame died in 1993.

Noob:    Your talking so loco. How did you come back?

Robert Palmer:     His lifetime and mine overlap. I could not be reincarnated musician Robert Palmer.

Noob:    Then how do you know so much about Robert Palmer, Robert Palmer?

Robert Palmer:    * pause * I.. have to go. There’s a bunch of pouty lookalike girls in my office who look like they’re straight out of Patrick Nagel art here.

Noob:    Is that the lead-in to “I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On” in the background there??

Robert Palmer:    Maybe… * click *

Business. Soccer. Music. Strange semi-returns from the afterlife. D-Twosday Interviews brings you it all! North American second-tier soccer could replace your church, subscription to the Wall Street Journal, and mother. That was magnificent and silky.

Join us next week for another exciting D-Twosday Interview!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to decide what flowers to send to Robert Palmer to thank him, and in his memory.

Tuesdays, Noob usually gives you an enticing and insightful interview with someone from the glittery world of North American division two soccer. This week, with the potential demise of the NASL looming large, I took things to a whole other level. Action, not just words – Noob’s invested! I got together the three interview subjects from D-Twosday interviews past for a necessary journey and ritual.

I was deep in the woods Monday night, in a location Noob will not disclose. NASL figures joined me for a session of the dark arts. Their league must be saved, and by any means necessary.

The fire we’d made was high and hot. Too hot for the size. We shielded or faces at first, but knowing we must open ourselves to its power for their to be any chance or ceremony would have effect.

We all felt when the time was right. Edmonton FC head coach Colin Miller brought out the bones of the original Rally Rabbit, a team mascot since the turn of the century. He silently tossed them all at once into the flames, making it a true bonfire. The quick crackling they made was easily the loudest noise for miles.

Rocco Commisso, NY Cosmos owner brought out an old jock strap that had belonged to Pele. It stunk worse than the rabbit bones had. He fired it into the flames too hard, but the jock strap did not pass through. The fire caught it, and it seemed to float in the ionized air for a moment before it fell into the heart of the fire.

Puerto Rico FC head coach Marco Velez surprised us all. It turns out he’s a Santero! He took out his Elegua, his evil spirit-chasing totem. Before he could toss it in the fire, Noob slapped him full in the face. It was a mighty sacrifice to make, but so foolish. More than anything, the NASL needs bad spirits kept away. Marco merely bowed his head, understanding.

We positioned ourselves around the sacrificial fire, sitting stoically, chanting Menudo lyrics until the breaking of the sun. We left by different paths, in case Marco’s near-mistake with the Elegua messed things up royally regarding the evil spirits. Pendejo.

Like with most mysterious rituals from most religions and such, we won’t know until things wholly unfold whether or not our efforts will have helped save the NASL.

And you’ll be the among the first to know, Noobites! D-Twosday interviews and…and whatever this was will always keep you abreast and informed on all things North American division two soccer! Thanks for joining me, and see you for an interview next Tuesday!

Welcome, Noobites. Are you in for a treat! This week, our D-Twosday interview isn’t a head coach. We’re delving into some deep second tier  soccer poppycock this go-round. Let’s just dive in.

Noob:   Hello, and welcome to soccernoob.com, Chairman Commisso.

Rocco Commisso:   Soccer what? My aide said you were from USA Today.

Noob:   Gatekeepers be crazy, yo. I’m from the USA today. Was yesterday, will be tomorrow.

Rocco:   Look, whoever you are, I’m a busy man –

Noob:   I am Noob!!

Rocco:   – who both owns the New York Cosmos and serves as Chairman of the Board for the NASL.

Noob:   For now.

Rocco:   That hurts. But that’s fair. Let’s do this.

Noob:   Fairness, full disclosure, we do nothing but. OK, so our reading audience is newish American soccer fans, eager to learn. Sum up the league drama.

Rocco:   NASL was recently stripped of its Division Two status for 2018 by USSF (United States Soccer Federation). NASL is filing an antitrust lawsuit.

Noob:   Noob loves Division Two soccer.

Rocco:   We’ve tried to compete as a league as an alternate Division One choice to Major League Soccer. But they kick our butts.

Noob:   An admirable admission, if hard to avoid.

Rocco:   It’s not fair and we don’t like it.

Noob:   I hope your lawyers have a better angle than that heading into this suit.

Rocco:   Losing Division Two status will hurt us immensely.

Noob:   I’m sure. The USSF must have the ability to not let you play.

Rocco:   Umm, no.

Noob:   Whoops. OK, they must be able to contractually avoid funneling your league as much money if you drop or are dropped down to Division Three status.

Rocco:   We don’t get money from USSF or MLS. We operate separate from MLS.

Noob:   Oh, so the NASL won’t be as attractive to players you might hope to sign because they cannot as easily make a jump to MLS.

Rocco:   Nope. Not the case.

Noob:   I’m confused And quite frankly, Noob doesn’t need your help on that front in soccer or life. Just check out the site. What’s the big deal about the USSF granting Division Two or any other label to NASL or any league?

Rocco:   It sounds cooler.

Noob:   That’s it?

Rocco:   Yup. We could just concentrate on being the best league we can be. But “Division Two” looks shiny.

Noob:   You said it.

* pause *

Noob:    This is typically the point in the interview where the interviewee calls Noob an ass hat.

Rocco:    What, am I some Puerto Rican or Edmontonian… Edmontanan… Edmontanite…head coach? I have no call to do such. I have dignity and well-tailored suits. I am a man of wealth and taste.

Noob:   Oooh, and you’re a Stones fan!

Rocco:   Indeed.

Noob:   Noob may think whatever judge gets this case will kick it out so fast the docket will be bent as if by Beckham. But you’ve made a fan and friend here.

Rocco:   Any chance USA Today would be willing to buy my majority share in the Cosmos?

That bordered on being educational. Yikes. Noob is dizzy from the effort, truth be told.

Thanks, Noobites, for joining me on another luxurious and lemony trip into the world of (sort of – sorry, Rocky) Division Two North American soccer.

[Note:  This was created and posted before I realized Puerto Rico was right in the apparent path of the hurricane moving through the Caribbean.   I’ve decided to leave it up because it’s harmless and hopefully amusing as part of the series of these “interviews”.  The game cited is no longer listed as scheduled on either of the primary source sites I use to scout matches.]

I thought this was going to be an exciting, fun week to post the D-Twosday interview. I suppose it was, just not for Noob.

With their teams’ game slated for tonight (Wed., 9/20), I thought I’d bring together the two interview subjects I’ve delighted in thus far: NASL head coaches Marco Velez of Puerto Rico FC and FC Edmonton’s Colin Miller. I considered not posting the transcript. But Noob is learning about soccer and life, just like you, Noobites. Full transparency will be found on this site.

Noob:    Guys, I can hardly begin to tell you how excited I am to have the both of you for this week’s interview.

Coaches Velez and Miller:    Hi, Noob.

Noob: Let’s jump right to it! You’re both still in the stop half the the Fall Season NASL standings. The game between your teams tonight, how important would you say–

Coaches Velez and Miller:    Ass hat! * laughter * * click *

Noob:    What the? Wow, you guys actually talked in advance just to call me an– Guys? Hello?

So there you have it. Another week in the books for D-Twosday interviews. Noob can’t say he doesn’t understand. Maybe I had it coming after the previous interviews with these two. Oh heck, what’s wrong with letting off a little steam before a big game. You kidders, you!

Join me again next Tuesday, Noobites, for another exciting and educational foray into the rich and enticing world of North American second division soccer. After all, I’ll probably get called an ass hat.