Category: Interviews D-Twosday

Is the greatest tragedy regarding Hurricane Irma that so many are without power, having to wait interminable-seeming days to get to see this week’s D-Twosday Interview? I know, right? Rhetorical question.

Noob caught up again with NASL FC Edmonton head coach Colin Miller again this week. And not because I had to chase him. Really.

Noob:    Thank you again for your time once again this week coach!

Coach Miller:    What can I say? I was going to avoid you like a plague-bearing rat, but –

Noob:    Ahhhh. You got it.

Coach Miller:    I’m not the biggest drinker by any stretch, but 30 year old Macallan is a treasure.

Noob:    Glad you’re enjoying it.

Coach Miller:     Not yet. I’m terrified of alcohol after the week we had.

Noob:    I’m glad you brought it up first.

Coach Miller:    It’s a sore spot to say the least.

Noob:    Good news first. Your club is still in a tie for 2^nd with San Francisco Deltas.

Coach Miller:    Thank the Lord for small blessings.

Noob:    After your team’s bed-crapping of a Spring Season –

Coach Miller:     Hey.  You sent a nice 30. Not a 50-year.

Noob:    – I’d think you’d be thrilled to still be in second. To recap the week for our audience:   A home and away with North Carolina FC. 1-1 draw on the road, 3-0 loss at home.

Coach Miller:    And lucky have to gotten the draw.

Noob:    Too true. Let’s fast forward the video highlight of the only goal your team “scored” this week.

Coach Miller:    What? How can we both see the same video over the –

Noob:    And that ghastly flub keeps you in 2^nd. And so, still on Noob’s radar.

Coach Miller:    Wait, that’s third person. Aren’t you this Noob?

Noob:    I am Noob!!

Coach Miller:    Right…. Oh, what’s this Tic-Tac looking thing at the in the whisky box?

Noob:    Cyanide pill.

Coach Miller:    Thanks for the thought, Kevorkian.

Noob:    It’s raw caffeine powder in a quick-dissolving capsule.

Coach Miller:    Clever. Ass hat!

Noob:    Hey, have you been talking with previous D-Twosday Interview subject FC Puerto Rico head coach Marco Velez??

Coach Miller:    Hehehehehe. Winning. * click *

Well, that was captivating and dreamy. Thanks again, Noobites, for joining me on another journey inside the enrapturing world of North American second-tier soccer. And no, you can’t have that two minutes of your life back. Stop asking.

Ready to celebrate the astounding glory that is tier-two North American soccer again? I know, it’s a rhetorical question! Time for another weekly installment of D-Twosday Interviews.

For the first time, Noob is giving Puerto Rico FC head coach Marco Velez a respite. He had a rough week, losing to NASL juggernaut Miami FC twice and dropping out of 1^st. He needs some breathing room. Plus when I called he yelled a lot of things in Spanish, and Noob’s espanol is a little rusty after more than a few years away from studying it. Que lastima.

So this week, I talked with NASL FC Edmonton head coach Colin Miller. Canadiaians are often polite.  Even ones born in Scotland.

Noob: Thanks for joining me today, Coach Miller.

Coach Miller: You’re welcome! I’ve always enjoyed the coverage on soccernews.com.

Noob: Soccernoob.com

Coach Miller: Soccer what? Wait, just who is this?

Noob: Um…so glad you enjoy our coverage! Congratulations on climbing into 2^nd place for the Fall Season of NASL.

Coach Miler: Thanks. After a tough Spring Season, it’s nice to see the players’ hard work paying off.

Noob: Your squad hasn’t lost since late July. Impressive.

Coach Miller: I can’t take the credit. The players never gave up.

Noob: And no reason to think it can’t continue! You don’t have to play Miami FC until your last two games of the season.

Coach Miller: Miami’s is outstanding. We hope to still be in this position or better when October comes, take our chances with Miami then.

Noob: Chances. * chuckles *

Coach Miller: What?

Noob: Coach, Edmonton was 2^nd to last in the Spring. Y’all stunk like rotting back bacon. Miami is Miami. I mean, enjoy the good times now, but ‘chances’?

Coach Miller: Hey, Miami’s great, but any team can win on any given day.

Noob: No they can’t.

Coach Miller: Did you just say that to me? You’re not from soccernews. Who is this?

Noob: I am Noob!

Coach Miller: Tha thu ‘nad fhaighean!

Noob: Now that’s just unpleasant.

Coach Miller: Wait, you know Scottish Gaelic?

Noob: Enough.

Coach Miller: Sorry about calling you the C-word. You have my respect.

See, I -knew- Canadiaians were polite! That was refreshing and divine. D-Twosday is the best! And you’re the best, Noobites. Thanks so very much for joining me once again for an exciting foray into the spectacle of joy that is North American tier-two soccer. And remember, puch ma ho in!

For newer Noobites:

Every Tuesday, we celebrate the glory and wonder that is second division professional league soccer in North America with a special interview. Noob leaves it to you to decide what sort of “special” it ends up being. Check out ‘Interview D-Twosday’ category link for the archived magic and fun.

Anyway. So far we’ve been on a run of fabulous weeks with the always-engaging (if rarely willing) NASL Puerto Rico FC head coach Marco Velez.

Noob:  Coach Velez, thanks for meeting with me for a D-Twosday interview on soccernoob!

Coach Marco Velez:   Do you ever bother anyone else? We’re right in between games against back-to-back games with Miami.

Noob:  A rough time, to be sure.

Coach Velez:  I hear Coach Brandt of USL’s Pittsburgh Riverhounds is a nice enough guy.

Noob:   I hear he’s a cretinous yahoo, ne’er-do-well and scalawag. We will not speak of him again.

Coach Velez:  Whatever, weirdo.

Noob:  So- your team dropped to second place after a home 0-2 loss to Miami FC.

Coach Velez:  You’d bring that up.

Noob:  Your men found woodwork early and had some other near misses as your side pressed throughout the match. Talk to me about your feelings.

Coach Velez:  Feelings? I feel like we were unlucky against an excellent Miami team.

Noob:  Agreed. And the second goal was only because you pulled the goalkeeper very late to try and capitalize on a set piece.

Coach Velez:  You actually follow? I’m surprised and impressed.

Noob:  But things don’t get any easier with that trip -to- Miami this week.

Coach Velez:  Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Noob:  Too bad you stunk up the joint the entire Spring Season and have virtually no path to the playoffs except to miraculously win the current Fall Season title.

Coach Velez:   Ass. Hat! * phone click *

Golly, he’s a sensitive fellow, especially for the coach of a second place team. But hey! It’s why we love him. No generic coach-speak from Puerto Rico FC’s head coach Marco Velez, no sirree.

Thanks for reading another insightful, fresh-smelling D-Twosday interview. We’ll do it again next week! Even if Marco tries changing his phone number. Again.

  Shoosh.

Time once again for a Division Two interview! I swear, the USL has more teams than I think any league in the whole wide world. So many choices to target for interviewing.

I can’t help myself. I’m enamored with NASL FC Puerto Rico head coach Mark Velez. He enjoys all this so much, I just can’t deny him the chance to take part again this week.

Coach Velez: * sighs * Hello, Noob-man

Noob: Is that a Seinfeld wisecrack?

Coach Velez: What can I say, I’m in a good mood.

Noob: I should hope so! 1-1-0 on the week, and in two road games no less.

Coach Velez: It was a tired, happy group that arrived back in Puerto Rico.

Noob: When you had the grotesque Spring Season you all did, I suppose even a tie against garbage Edmonton is cause to smile.

Coach Velez: We’re in first place, you–

Noob: By the way, Seinfeld, really?

Coach Velez: We can only just now see it Puerto Rico. Give me a break, ass hat. * click *

Thanks as always for the time, Puerto Rico FC head coach Mark Velez! You serve as a lens into the drama of division two North American soccer like no no else can. Just delightful.

Look for another exciting D-Twosday interview next Tuesday! Because that’s when Noob does them.

Welcome to the newest feature!  Second division American soccer (NASL and USL) coaches will now be interviewed each and every Tuesday – get excited!  I -know- they are.

Last Saturday, I snuck past Puerto Rico FC head coach Marco Velez’s gatekeeper like Christian Pulisic stealthily getting in behind a fullback.  The phone interview was short though.  I think I erred in judgement catching him so soon after that evening’s 0-0 tie against San Francisco Deltas.  So let’s go back to the well a second time!

Noob:  Coach Velez, thanks for agreeing to talk with me again.

Coach Velez:  Tio Jorge?

Noob:  Is that what your secretary told you?  *laughing* Oh, she’s a ham.  *cough*

Coach Velez:  Who is this?

Noob:  Of course it’s me, the SoccerNoob from soccernoob.com!

Coach Velez:  Dios mio, you’re that oddball who somehow had my cell number on Saturday.   When I find you–

Noob:  You don’t have to, we’re talking right here for our new D-Twosday coaching interview segment.  

Coach Velez:  I’m gonna–

Noob:  –give us fabulous insights into the breath-taking world of tier two footballl, I’m know, I’m excited!  You’re 1-0-1 now after an utterly miserable one-win Spring Season campaign.  Do you think Jacksonville Armada will be sleeping on your guys tomorrow since they have #1 FC Miami lurking a few days later?

Coach Velez:  You’re such an– Wait, that wasn’t bad.  Um, yes, we’re improving.  You really think we could take J’ville?

Noob:  Nope.

Coach Velez:  Ass hat.  *hangs up*

Well, those insights were rich and aromatic.  Thanks, Puerto Rico FC head coach Marco Velez.  You’ll always be number one in our hearts.  Even if you certainly sink back to #8 in the NASL again.