Soccernoob

National holiday on Isle of Sodor (no weekend matches 3/16-17). But they beat an old man with sticks, that’s fun.

I Image result for Ides of March modern celebration n recognition of March 15 as a national holiday on Sodor, no football matches in either of the Premier League or Championship were scheduled for this weekend. Yes, the Ides of March are quite the spectacle here, thanks to the longstanding ancient Roman influence on the Isle.

It is also known as the Festival of Anna Perenna, and the related celebration is held in Vicarstown. The Ides was once the first full moon of the Roman new year. As a sort of a scapegoat ritual for the new year, the oldest man in Vicarstown is dressed in animal skins and and is beaten with reeds by everyone and chased across the Jubilee Bridge into Barrow, Cumbria, England. He may not return until the next year’s Ides.

2018 Ides of March scapegoat Aemon Collymore

(That look is priceless. He hadn’t heard 101 year-old John Culken passed away the night before. The townies decided to surprise him mere minutes before releasing him in the town square for his beating, chase, and long vacation.)

Before you go feeling too badly for the fellow, he gets to rest and recuperate on Sudric taxpayers’ dime. Traditionally – over the last 125 years, anyway – he convalesces at The Imperial Hotel. Once rested, the geezer usually does “walkabout” of England or even greater Europe.

Image result for imperial hotel barrow in furness

Games resume next Saturday!

Isle of Sodor Championship Sunday, 3/10, match suffers a fan on the pitch. Sort of.

March 12, 2019, Cross-ny-Cuirn, Sodor

Image result for aston villa punch Football fan-bozo Paul Mitchell has been sentenced to 14 weeks in jail. He stormed the pitch at Aston Villa and socked visiting Birmingham City player Jack Grealish in the jaw during the match. Here is a link the BBC news article.

Things from elsewhere in the football world have a funny way of being reflected on the Isle of Sodor. During the second-tier Champions League on Sunday, 3/10, there was a pitch invasion as well.

Cross-ny-Cuirn FC fan Adrien Queripel made it onto the edge of the pitch early in the second half of the match against Cabalnoo AFC. He remained there, undetected by players, managers and referees alike for nearly nine minutes. This, despite the unadorned laptop. Eventually, an errant kick knocked his turf-cap off and the jig was up.

Said Mr. Queripel, "I wasn't planning on coming onto the pitch.  That I was dressed as grass and chalk lines was a total coincidence, just a bit of fun in coming to the match."

"I'd brought my laptop to keep up-to-date on the Premier League Suddery-Dryaw match.   But wifi reception in the stands was dodgy.  Walking around halftime, it was clear the best signal was on the sideline."

Image result for grass costume Mr. Queripel has been banned from wearing the camo-pitch outfit at all FA-sponsored matches indefinitely. He complained profusely about where else he could possibly wear it. (Where wouldn’t you wear something like that, this journo asks.)

In related news, a couple have been has been masquerading as a basketball hoop and referee at the local park. Officials have been unable to confirm if this is Adrien and his wife. Their get-ups are just too damn convincing to identify the culprits.

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Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 29 (wknd 3/9-10) – A blown opportunity means the title race stays close!

Matchday 29 (Sun., 3/10) in Review

#6 Wellsworth 5 vs. 5 #4 Kirk Ronan
T7 Junction & Sheds 1 vs. 1 #16 Brendam Utd.
#19 Tidmouth City 0 vs. 4 #3 Knapford Town
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. 1 vs. 4 #5 Crovan’s Gate

(Saturday’s In Review is now at bottom of this same post.)

and Sun. Feature Match: Title race still exactly that!

Dryaw FC are still #1. They were one of the last teams to get slotted in the Premier League, based in merely a larger village, not town, and with a lot of competition for regional players close by.

Image may contain: text But losing 4-1 to Suddery FC was a missed opportunity. The road can be tough, obviously. But everyone travels to Capital City stadium. It plays more like a neutral field most matches. And SFC had only scored three goals in their last four matches.

Dryaw have picked up a few key points this last month, but dropped plenty. They’ve been in every single match, but the W’s just haven’t fallen in place like all fall and winter. And then DFC came out like and played the whole first half like this was merely some sort of exhibition.

Image result for lazy soccer team

Heck, there warmup calisthenics were clearly just catnap time.

Overconfidence? It may have played a role. But the state of soccer in Suddery that seems to be a disadvantage for the home side can apparently affect visitors the same way. Over the pre-FA years, every club has played countless times at Capital City Stadium. Visiting fans are used to travelling here and do so. And since the town is full of transplants from all over the Isle, Dryaw have some resident fans here.

Suddery FC may not have a great home advantage, given all this. But Dryaw clearly didn’t come in with any sort of “edge”. It’s not a road test that gets one’s fight-or-flight adrenaline going. Everything and everyone get cheers. The teams jogged around, all smiles as they played. And then Dryaw seemed to remember there was a title on the line, pushing hard to get an equalizer at 44′.

The second half had a different feel. Dryaw came out ready to roll finally. But title non-contending Suddery seemed to realize this was their biggest match of the season remaining. They came out even stronger, to the surprise and delight of home fans. They truly won the crowd. Dryaw had more shots on goal, but Suddery had just as many and made three count.

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Where does that leave Dryaw? Here’s the newest table. And here’s the upshot: There was another change at #2. Dryaw are lucky Knapford Town or Peel Godred haven’t gone on a streak, each just collecting points on recent alternating matchdays. KTFC are once again the closest contender, just two points back after an easy win over Relegation Zone-Tidmouth City. Peel’s surprising loss to #17 Ffarquhar leaves them four points behind DFC.

And oh yes, congrats to the double-F on their big win over #2 Peel yesterday. Best of their year. After one week below the Cutline, they’re back to safety. Still, #18 Ulfstead trails them by just a point. High drama awaits us next weekend, Matchday 30.

Matchday 29 (Sat., 3/9) in Review

#10 Castle Rolf 2 vs. 3 #15 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ffarquhar 5 vs. 3 #2 Peel Godred
#9 Glennock 2 vs. 5 #12 Lakeside
#17 Ulfstead 4 vs. 7 T13 Marron

and Sat. Feature Match: The Walney Channel Derby goes extra time!

Perhaps such a result was destined for Vicarstown FC and East Coast Diesel. The teams already had more draws than any others in the league. Now they each get one more. This in-league inaugural derby ends 6-6.

It surely didn’t look like it was going to end even when halftime came. The mighty blue V – Vicarstown FC – were in control throughout the first 45 minutes, held a 6-2 advantage. The Vicars spread everyone out on offense. E.C.D. seemed, as has been the case all season, reticent to play what used to be their usual bruising brand of defense. Technically the far sounder side, VFC danced around the Diesels, scoring with ease.

Image result for east coast diesel crest And then it all changed. VFC trotted out, pleased as punch. E.C.D., though, came out a minute later. Walking. Stoic. Noob saw opposing fans shiver, and it wasn’t a cold day. E.C.D. supporters sensed what they’d been waiting for all season, simply stood and watched their side advance with silent approval.

Between 46′ and 57′, every player but the goalie earned a yellow for the Diesels. It mattered not a whit that VFC spread themselves out again. E.C.D anticipated it, used the openness to make a point. “We’re going to hit everyone one of you hard and we -want- everyone to see it, every time.”

Image result for soccer injury light blue kit The cornflower blue-clad Vicars were strewn about the pitch as if mauled by lions.

Or, kicked in the shins and such a fair bit.

Now, every Vic was playing on his heels. The players bunched together and couldn’t get any offensive rhythm going. That wasn’t such a drawback on their defensive end, but now it was E.C.D. with the pressure. They’re not as purely talented a group, but got within one before four minutes of added time.

Three minutes into that came Luke Motherwell’s equalizer, a stunningly-angled volley that gave us the final score.

The bad boys are back. Forever more and once again fear the orange away kit-clad men of E.C.D., Sudrians.

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2018-19 East Coast Diesel pre-season team photo

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 29 – #1 gets road tested in the Capital

Sun., 3/9
#6 Wellsworth vs. #4 Kirk Ronan
T7 Junction & Sheds vs. #16 Brendam Utd.
#19 Tidmouth City vs. #3 Knapford Town
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. vs. #5 Crovan’s Gate

plus the Sunday Feature Match: #1 Dryaw FC face a Capital City road test

Seven points separate the ninth and tenth positions in the table. For teams still vying for an uncertain top-half finish here in the PL’s inaugural season, that means its 10th place or bust. This will probably fall to current #10 Castle Rolf or today’s hosts – Suddery FC.

#1 Dryaw opened up a four point lead with #4 Kirk Ronan, all but knocking them out of title contention. This after a February where they played solidly, but tread water at best. Will the little village that could have be able to muster up another road W? Trap-match feel workin’ here.

Image may contain: text Suddery have one win their last three matches. Goodness knows how — they’ve scored just one goal over that stretch! Their issues on offense have always ebbed and waned. They didn’t even manage three goals per match over the summer’s inaugural FA Cup.

The town of Suddery isn’t one of the two “Main Towns”, but it is the biggest one with just a single team representing it. They’re on the inland end of the Isle’s southwest peninsula, with no main town or big villages anywhere near them competing for area talent. So why aren’t SFC more successful?

Capital City Stadium, Suddery, is the home of the Sudric National Team (“The Sodor Strikers”).
Being the capital, this is the one place on the Isle where a lot of people are from somewhere else on the Isle; they bring their club allegiances with them.
More, Capital City Stadium has been home to countless tourneys and friendlies over the long pre-FA years. Transplants get to see their hometown teams in person right in town Suddery.

Everyone in Suddery loves soccer. But many only like the local FC. SFC are not the sporting heart of the community. Noob thinks that can’t help by permeate the team.

Noob calls it: Noob’s biased, as village Dryaw is Noob’s singular fave place to be on the Isle. But until SFC shows they can score, they’re not to be favored against a current top team.

1 – 5 Dryaw FC. The magical title run continues.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 29 (3/9-10) – to Vicarstown for a new derby!

Matchday 29 (Sat., 3/9) Preview (Sunday preview to follow tomorrow)

#10 Castle Rolf vs. #15 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ffarquhar vs. #2 Peel Godred
#9 Glennock vs. #12 Lakeside
#17 Ulfstead vs. T13 Marron

Plus the Saturday Feature Match: New derby time!

Throw away the records and forget their positions in the table — it’s time for a new intracity derby! Hello from Vicarstown, home of Vicarstown FC and East Coast Diesel (E.C.D.) FC. The former will host, and does play on their own separate grounds.

While the teams have played over the years, of course, this is the first time they’ve met in this inaugural Premier League season. They most recently did in last summer’s first-ever FA Cup quarterfinals. There, E.C.D. advanced with a 4-8 win.

For this year, at least, they’ve settled on the name “The Walney Channel Derby“. (And remember to say it like it looks if you ever visit. None of that “dahr-bee” foolishness flies here.) Vicarstown is the closest point on Sodor to Britain. In fact, V-town and Barrow, Cumbria, England are connected by a bridge over said channel.

Vicarstown FC are currently tied for 13th place with Marron. There only point in the last month came at Castle Rolf in a 1-1 draw. Still, the Vicars had enough success early in the season to at least have seemingly staved off any chance of Relegation. They’re eight points ahead of #18 Ffarquhar.

The Vic’s have always traveled widely throughout the Isle over the years. The Sudric style of soccer is one of offense by virtue of non-aggressive defense. This team is welcomed everywhere for perhaps best embodying that principle.

East Coast Diesel, on the other hand…are decidedly NOT popular with the masses. They do have fans everywhere, small patches in each of the biggest towns who admire their style of play. That style is anything but classic Sudric. “The Happy Hooks” play comparatively hard defense. They’ve even been known to employ slide tackles (gasp!).

Image result for east coast diesel crest They’d perhaps be even higher in the table than merely tied for 7th and out of the title chase, but they draw from a far smaller pool of players than their rivals. E.C.D. draw almost exclusively from the dieselworks part of Vicarstown. They are a surly, rough lot, and have rarely been invited anywhere over the years for friendlies or to play in loosely organised regional all-around days or tourneys. In short, they are widely considered uncouth — causers of both CONFUSION and DELAY , in football and in general.

Image result for workington afc crest Rumor has it that for years, E.C.D. has periodically ferried the channel to Barrow where they scrimmage factory teams and such. And to do some pub crawling and brawling around Cumbria. It’s been said they’ve even held their own against the Northern Premier League English seventh-tier side Workington AFC before. The Sodor FA frowns on such going forward, wanting to keep their sporting separate from the more commercial, bigger leagues of the world for now.

Match Prediction:

E.C.D. have clearly had an identity crisis all year. They’re aggressive on defense, but not as physical as was expected. Perhaps being in the new, formal FA has muted their worst aspects. But they haven’t in turn been able to score much at all of late. Vicarstown haven’t had much early spring success, but they’ve been competent on both ends of the pitch at least.

Noob calls it: VFC 4-2 The whole town seems tense over this first derby. If the players feel the same way, the first half may be played pretty deliberately, without much scoring. But I think in the end that E.C.D. need to decide next year if they’re going to play their previously trademark hard D or not. Half-assing it isn’t working as their season winds down.

Isle of Sodor Premier League match to be made up Wed.; looking back at “The Coalyard Catastrophe”

Updated March 7

Image result for Junction FC crest Junction & Sheds took the weekday make-up match 5 – 10 in a classic Sudric shootout.

Neither team was or is in a position to challenge for the title, but this would seem to cement J&S in for a top-half finish.

Click [Here] to see the updated table, or navigate from the Pages under ‘More Noobishness’.

By tomorrow, shiny new feature match previews for the weekend shall be UP.

March 4, 2019 — Wellsworth, Sodor

Wednesday, Wellsworth FC will host Junction & Sheds in the first of two make-up matches between the clubs.

Wellsworth was to host the second of the two regular season meetings on Dec. 22. That date is now famous on Sodor for “The Coaling Yard Catastrophe”. Six train personnel directly involved with the train crash and five passers-by struck were by coaling tower debris were all rushed to St. Tibba’s with life-threatening injuries.






Mayoress Ysbal Clucas came under heavy scrutiny for cancelling the match. 


"Even though no one was pronounced dead at the scene, out of respect for the victims, I felt it best to cancel the match.  It's not like these clubs are in UEFA or anything."

Vice President of the Wellsworth FC supporters group "The Ebbas" had this to say:  

"You get the victims to St. Tibba's - even if it should be Saint Ebba's.  The waters are a panacea.  The whole town was built because of them!  Doctors and magic water for the injured, football for the rest of us."

Hagiological argument and weird belief in a supernatural well aside, she’s now expected to defeat Clucas in the next mayoral election for her hardline stance.

Oh, and everyone survived.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 28 (3/2-3) – Title contenders down to three

Matchday 28 (3/2-3) in Review

Sunday Feature Match: ONE team got a road win today…and the magic ride keeps goin’!

And then there were three, realistically. #5 Crovan’s Gate‘s loss leaves then ten points behind the league leaders. And today’s Feature Match result saw #1 Dryaw FC obliterate #4 Kirk Ronan 3-10! At nine points back with just nine matches to go, it’s safe to call the Churchmen cooked.

Winger Christopher Wilbertson was Dryaw‘s star, as he scored a gentleman’s hat trick (a goal and two assists) in each half. After the match, Wilbertson, had this to say to Noob:

"We're neither tall nor fast.   We have to play intelligently.  Our game plan was to go for just those 50-50 balls we had an 80% chance of getting."

Dryaw is famous as a quiet vacation village for intellectuals, particularly authors. Noob knows no one else could’ve spoken or written so…eloquently about the team’s game strategy. (Ok, maybe Ian Darke )

Sounds about right for Wilbertson, who also nearly broke his fool neck trying to recreate the famous “Klinsmann dive”.

Sun., 3/3
#8 Glennock 7 vs. 5 T12 Vicarstown
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. 5 vs. 3 T12 Marron
#15 Lakeside 2 vs. 1 #10 Suddery
#5 Crovan’s Gate 4 vs. 5 #9 Junction & Sheds
#4 Kirk Ronan 3 vs. 10 #1 Dryaw

Continue down for Saturday’s results and feature match recap. Click [here] for the updated league table.

Saturday Feature Match: A change in the Relegation Zone!

Image result for Norramby crest It’s hard to call it a true upset, but Noob predicted a draw. Instead, Ulfstead have climbed above the Cutline with a resounding victory! A 4-4 halftime score was inline with expectations, but Ffarquhar looked fatigued again just minutes into the second half.

Image result for FFFC football crest So, Ffarquhar drop to 18th, two points behind today’s victors. Ulfstead is up to 17th, next have struggling Brendam United in their sights in the table.

On the table’s top, Peel Godred eked out a low-scoring win, but that’s good enough to climb back into 2nd place! How? Because #2 Knapford Town went to Castle Rolf and got busted in the mouth. Peel now sit just a point behind Dryaw, who have their hands full tomorrow as they visit #4 Kirk Ronan.

Here are the day’s full results. The Page with the Table will be updated following tomorrow’s matches.

Sat., 3/2
#3 Peel Godred 2 vs. 0 #16 Brendam Utd.
#11 Castle Rolf 13 vs. 6 #2 Knapford Town
#7 Wellsworth 5 vs. 4 #6 E.C.D.
#19 Tidmouth City 6 vs. 1 #14 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ulfstead 8 vs. 4 #17 Ffarquhar

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 28 (Sun., 3/3) – #4 hosts #1!

Sun., 3/3
#8 Glennock vs. T12 Vicarstown
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. vs. T12 Marron
#15 Lakeside vs. #10 Suddery
#5 Crovan’s Gate vs. #9 Junction & Sheds
#4 Kirk Ronan vs. #1 Dryaw

Feature Sunday Match: #4 Kirk Ronan hosts #1 Dryaw FC

KRFC club logo.png If they’re to make a serious run at the title, today is must-win for fading Kirk Ronan. They’re six points off the league leaders and have two other clubs to jump, looking more like pretender than contender. There February tells the tale.

2/2 home win over #7 Wellsworth
2/9 spanked at #2 Knapford Town
2/16 1-1 home draw against #3 Peel Godred
2/23 road loss to #13 Marron

This first-ever Premier season hasn’t been quite as high-scoring as Sudrics thought it would be (though certainly more goals get made here than anywhere in Europe). Kirk Ronan give up too many of late in the new reality, unless they park the bus and don’t score themselves.

Meanwhile, Dryaw FC – everyone’s smaller village club that could – continue to lead the league, if just (two points ahead of Knapford Town). Their narrow home loss last weekend to then-#9 Glennock was a surprise that will haunt them mightily if they can’t hang on.

The weekend before, the road 2-2 draw to #5 Crovan’s gate didn’t look so scary. Now? One is forced to wonder if their magic run might be over. This wasn’t ever a team expected to contend. In fact, they were likely the last team to get slotted as Premier instead of Championship before this inaugural season.

Match Prediction: Neither club has momentum in their favor now, having faced meatier parts of this schedules the past month. Kirk Ronan has looked the more inconsistent and perhaps flat-out fatigued. Dryaw’s home loss was tough, but by just a goal. They’ve only lost three all season. Noob doens’t look for them to drop a second one in a row at home.

Dryaw 4-3 is the call.

Image result for noobstradamus You’re just 1-1 on these predictions, and were nowhere close on the score for the win you called right

When are you going to put the superstar of prognostication back in?

Noobstradamus awaits.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 28 (Sat., 3/2) preview – Who stays up, who goes down

Sat., 3/2
#3 Peel Godred vs. #16 Brendam Utd.
#11 Castle Rolf vs. #2 Knapford Town
#7 Wellsworth vs. #6 E.C.D.
#19 Tidmouth City vs. #14 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ulfstead vs. #17 Ffarquhar

Saturday Feature Match: A drop zone battle royal!

Wellsworth – E.C.D. has the best chance today to be a truly quality match. But the title race is really down to five teams now, and these two are on the outside looking in. So, today’s most important match is about Premier League survival.

Image result for Norramby crest Hello from Ulfstead! Here, just a month ago the local team’s Relegation fate appeared sealed. But three wins against just one loss in February has them just out of safety, a point behind their closest geographic rivals today.

All season, their issue has been consistency, They can score and defend well enough, but rarely managed both in the same match all winter. Other than giving up a whopping 14 goals in their road loss to Marron, they’ve played better all-around ball of late.

A note about Ulfstead F.C. “Earls” – Ulfstead is the town name here in west-central Sodor. It is the home of the Isle’s Earls (the royal family), the Norramby’s. But Norramby the town is on the east central coast. They have their own team in the second-tier Championship (and are doing quite well!.

Image result for FFFC football crest The road team today only had to travel a handful of miles east. It will be a shame if Ffarquhar doesn’t survive the Isle’s first-ever Premier season. It’s one of the larger towns on the isle, but only has the one FA club. It’s also the one town people outside the country can name, if any — being the home of Thomas of the fictional children’s tv show.

But this team’s season has followed it’s FA Cup performance from the summer. They play everyone close, but play up and down to the level of their competition. And they far from always finish off matches strong. Still, a 2-1-1 February mark shows they’re learning and has kept them above the Cutline.

Fun Fact: Ffarquhar are known as “the Anophas”, though the S is dropped as often as not. The nearby Ffarquhar Quarry was known as Anopha Quarry, and so that name has been adopted by the club. This, despite not a bloody soul in the town having the slightest clue what “Anopha” referred to or meant originally.

Match Prediction: Noob thinks the battle to stay afloat in the Premier will go right down to the end of the season. The teams will play true their forms of late and have a match of quality play. 4-4 or 5-5.

Arlesburgh United target sacked Leicester FC coach Claude Puel

Arlesburgh, Isle of Sodor – February 26, 2019

Image result for Arlesburgh United crest Before the rumor mill starts swirling over his next job possibilities, Isle of Sodor Premier League club Arlesburgh United are taking their shot at a big target – Claude Puel.

Image result for funny Claude Puel

“I’m a coaching target thihhhs bihhhg.”

Puel was sacked as manager on Feb. 24 by Leicester FC. That same day, 96 year old Arlesburgh United coach Pete Mylchreest his retirement. Coincidence? (Almost certainly. But what the hell.)

So how does a club from somewhere like Sodor go after a manager with a legitimate big league pedigree– Lille, Lyon, Nice, Southampton, Sunderland, Leicester City…Arlesburgh? You point out the pros and let the chips fall where they may. With Noob’s help.

Claude, you’ve never been able to hang onto elite talent anywhere you’ve coached. No problem in Arlesburgh! The Pirates are in last here in the IoS PL’s inaugural season. No talent to be found here, even by Sudric standards.
Arlesburgh are certainly getting demoted to the IoS Championship. A year to get your feet under you in a new country should sound relaxing.
Then you get to be the hero probably getting the Promoted back to Premier! Trust Noob. Village teams like Cabalnoo and others that even devotees of “Thomas the Tank Engine” would be hard-pressed to find on a map won’t present a manager of your stature any problem.
You don’t like to give much to the press. Noob’s the exclusive coverage guy here! And I’ll leave you alone. I’m more of a Sodor east coast kind of fellow. Arlesburgh is too close to the Isle of Mann for me The Manx smell awful and can’t be trusted.

Image result for suspicious looking old people

These Manx children have poisoned lips, I promise. Manx children murder old ladies all the time.

Arlesburgh is the oldest settlement on the Isle. The folk residing here run really old. And the ones who aren’t old dress up as such for matches (supporters group is ‘The Ancients’). At 57 years old, you’ll feel right at home, and they’ll likely find you a breath of fresh air.
Do you really want to get stuck in England’s Championship? You’re not getting another Premier job right away, if ever. Besides, the whole Brexit thing sounds nasty.
Would you really want to return to France? Taking a non-PSG job in that farmer’s league is worse than England’s Championship. Just say no.

But coach in Sodor. You don’t want to wait up to a year and end up with the Philadelphia Union. *shudders*

Think of this as semi-retirement. Mostly retirement, less even “semi-“. Everyone dies somewhere.
There’s a water wheel that’s cool to look at, and it’s bigger than “the world’s biggest” over in Laxey, Isle of Man, whatever they claim. Again, you can’t trust those Manx louts. Not ever.
The public transit is amazing, featuring state-of-the-art talking trains. OK, no talking trains. That’s the silly, fun tv show. But it’s based on the real Isle, and the train system really is quite good.

When reached for a comment, Puel said through his representative: “Where? That’s….unbelievable.” So, um, you’re coming then?