Tag: Allsvenskan

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – more UEFA women’s Champions League in our lives

Time for our last two matches of the Midweek Edition.  Fine, quality footyball to be found in both.   This, despite how bonkers Wednesday got in the writing.

Remember to scroll farther down for Tues. and Wed. results.  And to consider following SoccerNoobUSA on the tweeter.  And to patronize establishments which have replaced plastic straws with alternatives like bamboo.

Thursday

  1. Zurich vs. Honka – UEFA women’s Champions League

How little parity is there in the women’s game?  There are six matches being played today in this event, all second legs.  Every home team today is ahead on aggregate, meaning they all won their away games.  No draws even.

This is the closest one.  More, both were champions of their domestic leagues last season.  Zurich won 0-1 in Finland.  They get a chance to wrap this up neatly at home in Switzerland today.

RESULT:   Zurich   5-1      Fabienne Humm with the first three scores

  1. Olimpija Llubljana vs. Gorica – Slovenia Liga

It’s a lighter day for league games – not uncommon.   There are tons of FA Cup matches form various countries Noobites can Google up.  But none of the “big” countries’ events are far enough along to catch my eye today, while the ones who are a little deeper into their tournaments are “smaller” nations’.

So, welcome to the #30 league in Europe, nestled lovingly between Romania and Slovakia, just below average ordinally.  These clubs are #B and #3 about ten matches into their season.

O.J. trail historic and current #1 Maribor by four in the table.  Gorica have overachieved to this point.  They don’t have nearly the offense of any other team in the top half of the league.  Nor do they play the defense to make up for that.  They’ve lost just one (four wins, four draws).  But today, that total gets doubled.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for ljubljana funny

 

So long from Ljubljnana, home of Olimpija and the Museum of Illuisions!

(Noob assumes these patrons are actually real.)

 

Wednesday 

#B.  Houston Dynamo vs. Philadelphia Union – U.S. Open Cup

The final!  $300,000 cash prize on the line, plus an automatic berth into the next CONCACAF Champions League.  Bet there will be a spit-polished fancy trophy, too.

Not all the teams have been playing all their starters leading up to today.  Understandable, saving energies for league games.  Noob’s not at all sure why Houston’s bothered.  Their GD holds up, indicates they’re a capable bunch.  But waaaay too many draws have them down in 10th in the West.  They won’t catch a sniff of the league Playoffs.

Meanwhile, Philly is here for the third time in five years.  They’re 5th in the much tougher-at-the-top Eastern Conference.  Goal differential is negative, but they’re win-or-bust.  Just four draws all season.

New Jersey-born Bedoya attacking midfielder gets talked a lot about being the key to the Unioin’s success.  Mayhaps.   But Noob thinks the key man for them will their Czech international Borek Dockal.  He leads the league in assists.  After a comparatively quiet September, Philly needs him controlling possession and servicing passes like a champ.

The Dynamo have been seemingly all over the map stylistically in league of late.   Will keeper Joe Wills have to make a barrage of saves because they’ll be sending everyone forward?  Whether they do or not, look for Colombian international forward Mauro Monatas to get in the scoring early.  He doesn’t convert a high percentage of his chances, yet ranks sixth in league goal-scoring.

Noob thinks this is very even matchup.  If you live where gambling is legal and can get straight-up odds, take Houston.  Philly didn’t capture the title in either of their last two tries.  And the road is the road, woefully hard to win on it any given day.   (8:00 PM EST, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Houston   3-0       Monatas with a pair of first-half scores

Image result for letter B trophy

 

 

Number B’s design idea for the USOC trophy.

  1. NYCYC vs. Chicago Fire – Major League Soccer

Your ‘Muricuhn soccer undercard is this one, the only league match today.  And it’s what Noob deems a “Hiccup Watch”.  NYCFC should – on paper – beat them handily, especially at home.  Or will they have a hiccup.

In Match #B, Noob noted the East was the tougher conference, but at the top specifically.  The West is stronger when comparing teams in similar positions further down the standings.  Chicago are 10th in the East and not nearly as good as Houston, even independent of the latter’s appearance in the Cup Final.

That said, the Fire are showing at least a little spunk of late.  They just earned a road draw against Playoffs-bound Philly.  Right before that, they kicked the tar out of Orlando City (worst club in the East) 4-0.

Couple that with NYCFC’s current skid of late and one is forced to wonder if the Fire can’t get a result tonight.  The Blues have faced six straight Postseason-caliber teams and beaten none of them.  Really, they haven’t won against a “good” team since mid-July (Columbus Crew).  The trouble?  The offense has gone Houdini on them.

Without attacking midfielder Jesus Medina still likely out (hamstring), veteran Spanish scorer David Villa must find his early-season form.  Otherwise, Chicago is getting a scalp with which to salvage their non-Playoff wounds.   (7:00 PM, ESPN+)

RESULT:   NYCYC   2-0      David Villa with one of the goals

  1. Queretaro vs. Dorados De Sinaloa – Copa MX

Just Match #1 of the Midweek for some details about where things are in this event.

Noob goes fishing for Minnow once again!   Sinaloa are in 12th in the Ascenso.  The consider scoring to be gauche, ungentlemanly, and eschew it nearly always.

Liga MX side Pachuca are in 13th.  They score a little more against the bigger boys, but also play better defense.  They’re in 13th, but will climb.  Queretaro 2-0 today feels like an easy prediction.   (8:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Queretaro   2-1      Camilo with both goals for the victors

 

 

 

A clear ball and a funky hat.   The prognostication business feels pretty easy.

  1. Brondby vs. Juventus – UEFA women’s Champions League

The Round of 16 wraps up this week as they play the second matches of two-legged ties.

Beyond the very best few teams in the world, Noob is still desperately unversed on the women’s side of the game.  But life is long, so here’s us learning!

This is the closest tie of those being played today.  Brondby earned a 2-2 draw at Juve in the first match.  I have a general sense that Nordic countries play and host a lot of quality women’s soccer.  While that may not mean that they don’t further south, Noob looks for the Danish club to topple the Italians today.

RESULT:   Brondby   1-0

  1. Young Boys of Bern vs. St. Gallen – Switzerland Super League

Last year, St. Gallen finished midtable while sporting about the worst defense in the league.   They weren’t even that good at offense.  Early this season, they’re better on both side of the ball, sitting on 3rd as their reward.

RESULT:   YBB   2-0

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

Look who’s back —  It’s NOOBSTRADAMUS!   

He was right quick to get pissed off, point out to Noob that real prognostication isn’t for amateurs.   

 

And he’s had a vision.  God help us.

Yes.

I close my eyes, lose myself to space and time.  When I open my eyes, I know it is not in the true corporeal world.   I am having a Vision.  I am in the Vision.

I only have a vague sense of who I am, an attendant of some kind to the Duke of Zahringen, Berchtold V.  We’re out hunting.  It’s the late 12th C.  And it’s cold.  This vision sucks.

Old Berchty, as those closer to him refer to him here and now, is bored of life in Zahringen after succeeding his late father just five years in.  What better way to cure that than to, oh, found a new city. 

“I’m going to name it Berchtyland!”   He gets no response from his entourage.  “Berchtycity?”

“Perhaps you could name it after something you see, find, sire.”

Berchty’s a crabby apple, must be feeling the cold as well.  He backhands the attendant, breaking his nose.  But to his credit, he considers the idea.

“That might be too much.  Everything in Swabia has our family name all over it.  I will name the city which I shall raise here after the first animal we find!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  Probably because Berchty wasn’t the sharpest knife in the kitchen and other ideas he might come up with would be more likely to be worse than better.  But a squirrel bolted across our path just then, stirring out horses.

“Squirreltyton!  Perfect!”

“Brilliant, um, but I think there is already a ‘Squirreltyton’ a few duchies west of Swabia.  You surely don’t want to be found copying anyone.”

It was total bunco.  But again, our liege is dim.  We rode on.  Stopping for a drink at a stream, the Duke saw a worm.  And he looked like he was trying to think extra hard.  

Sensing the need to avert disaster, another attendant whispered in my ear.  I nodded at his idea and sneaked off a little ways, cloak and fur hat in hand.

When the party started to remount, I started shoving branches and bushes around, making much din, from a distance.  Close enough to be seen, but just.  I had put my cloak over my head and the fur hat just so and thrashed around a bit more, growling all the while.

“My liege, look, a noble bear!  it would honor all his kind for its name to be taken for your city.”  The attendant who’d whispered this idea to me was a sly one. 

“Quite right!   We’ll name the city “Bern”, since that’s in our language.  I’ll bet he’s majestic!  Let’s kill it.  Since we’re hunting and stuff.”

Not wanting his own nose broken and leaving Noobstradamus high and dry, my peer said nothing.  The Duke, though a dolt, was a good shot.  His arrow found its mark, piercing my leg and catching an artery.  I knew I was done for. 

The best I could do was limp frantically away upstream and then throw myself in the water.  If Berchtold tracked the blood trail, found my body and discovered the ruse, he’d perhaps kill everyone in a rage.  And name the town-to-be ‘Wormyville’. 

As the cold water took me away – damn this cold again! – the lifeblood leaking out of me caught in a small eddy and formed the words ‘Bern 3-0 over St. Gallen’.  

And THAT is how you prognosticate.  You’re amateur hour, sir.  Good day.

— Noobstradamus, wait!  Noob as so many non-soccer questions for you.

I said ‘Good day’, sir!

  1. Norrkoping vs. Malmo – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Eight points behind 1st-place AIK.  If traditional co-behemoth Malmo are going to make a move with just 1/3 of the season remaining, they’d best hop to it.

They’ll have to hope with much vigor to get a result today.  Malmo may have the better GD, but #B Norrkoping are very good, and especially so on defense.  That’s tough to get past on someone else’s pitch.

RESULT:   Norrkoping   3-1      Kalle Holmberg with two first-half scores

  1. Maccabi Tel Aviv vs. Maccabi Haifa – Israel Toto Cup

This is not the country’s FA Cup, which is considered more important.  This tournament is just for clubs from the top two divisions.  It’s largely used to give reserves and young player a chance for minutes, plus testing out some foreign players.

Still, it’s a Final today!   The site is Petach Tikva, neutral.  MTA finished runner-up last year in the Premier, while M. Haifa were 10th.  Things are much the same early in 2018-19, as they’re #1 and #9 now.

RESULT:   MTA   2-1       They got the winning goal at 85′

Image result for toto cup trophy

 

 

A Toto Cup trophy.  

Sort of a walking taco-motif.

 

Tuesday

  1. Pachuca vs. Cafetaleros de Tapachula – Copa MX

Midweek games tend to be centered around Cup tournaments.  They save the league matches for the weekends.  In Mexico, just as the yearly league season is divided into two separate halves (Apertura and Clausura), so they also concurrently play Apertura and Clausura Cups.   This is the Apertura underway, and they’ve moved on from the Group Stage and now begin the Knockout Stage with 16 teams.

One of Noob’s great joys is looking for Minnow – lower-division underdogs – in the Cups.  Since this Copa only involves teams from the top two divisions, can’t get any more Minnow-y than last place in the D2 Ascenso.  And guess what?   Tapachula is right there.   They’re so lousy on defense, Noob wonders if they’d stand up for their own mothers.

Um, Noob?  Don’t you think it’s classier to leave the mothers out of most any contentious talk?

Thanks for chiming in, The Management.  You may be right.  But I will not be filtered!  They are awful in that half.  Probably going down to whatever hell the third tier is.  Will they even get paid?

Pachuca are in 13th in the top-tier Liga MX.  They’re GD suggests they’re better than that.   How the “Baristas” got this far is—

Noob.  “Cafetalero” is “coffee grower”.

Be still, The Management!  Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you don’t need to stow it.

How Tapachula got this far is beyond me.  On paper, Pachuca should manhandle them and their grown coffee.

Manhandle their grown coffee?   That doesn’t even make sense.  But you know what?  Carry on.

Oh, I will.  But not today muahahahahaha.   (8:00 PM EST, ESPN Deportes)

Image result for fighting with the management funny

This is why Noob does not listen to you, The Management.   

Well, not exactly why not.

RESULT:   Pachuca   3-0      Jose Leonardo Ulloa with all three goals

 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (8/13) – getting to know teams facing The Drop

Noob has you Monday blahs-cure.  Embrace the darkness!

Nearly all today’s featured matches involve teams on the verge of being Relegated from their current league.  Let’s get to know them before they fade into the mist.

Remember you can check back for Results on Noob’s Tracks, too.

Oh, and please consider following Noob on Twitter:  @SoccerNoobUSA

Now, two matches of non-sadness!

  1. USC Landhaus Vienna vs. BIIK Kazygurt – UEFA women’s Champions League

The “Qualifying Round” is a Group affair.  40 clubs are divided into pods of four each.  Each group plays a single round robin, out of which the winners and two best-performing runners-up advance to the Knockout Stage.

There are ton of matches today.  Noob’s learning curve on the women’s side of the game has been even more difficult than for the men’s, so I can’t tell you much about the clubs.  Noob does recognize Kazygurt – a Kazakh club – from last year’s event as one that performed very well.  They are 2-0-0 so far in this event, have qualified to advance already.

Landhaus qualified by finishing #B in Austria’s top flite, the Frauenliga.  They are 1-0-1, 3rd place in the Group.  They’re tied in points in the table with a Greek Club, but down a couple on goal-differential.  This Group’s matches are all in Latvia.

RESULT:   Kazygurt   0-2

B.  Al Ahly vs. Al Nejmeh – Arab Club Champions Cup

This is a stand-alone event, meaning it doesn’t play a direct role in qualification to other international events.  It’s run annually, this being its 28th season.  Currently, clubs from 20 Arab nations participate.  Half are from Asia, half from Africa.

After to very short qualification rounds, they are down to 32 clubs.  This First Round, each pair of teams are playing two-legged ties.

Al Nejmeh is a Lebanese team which finished 3rd in their last complete league season.  They had to play in the second of the qualification rounds.   Now they will get smushed by Africa’s best club.  Noob thinks this will be a rout, Al Ahly by 3+ goals.

So this individual match by itself isn’t so much “important” to us, but Noob thinks it’s important and fun to knows the event is happening at all.  I’d never heard of it before.

بَاء‎     Fun Fact:  That’s pronounced like a Number B in Arabic.  Or maybe more like ‘B + long A sound’.  Noob is noob on many topics.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. 1. FC Cologne vs. Union Berlin – 2. Bundesliga

Noob starts us of on our Relegation tour today in a different way than before.   This league is just starting, so no team is in any kind of danger yet.  Rather, FC Cologne were demoted after a miserable season in the top league last year.

On paper, Noob would make Union Berlin a full-goal underdog today.  But it’s so hard to know if a team like Cologne is in position and spending money to try and climb right back up, or cutting costs and willing to leave with any sort of finish this season.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for 1. FC koln funny

 

 

Disturbing Fact:  If that logo was a movie scene, it might not make the rated-R cut…

  1. Norrkoping vs. Hammarby – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Now we jump into league matches, though this first is not a Drop Zone match.  These two are #4 and #B in UEFA’s 22nd-ranked league.  Hey, they’re playing.

Norrkoping is eight points out of 1st and the league’s only Champions League invitation.  They’re not playing like they’re going make a push the last couple matches.  Meanwhile. Hammarby trail AIK by just two, and have played one less match than them.   They’ve also won three straight.  The teams play about the same defense, but Hammarby have the offense to pull off an important road win today.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Trellesborg vs. Sundsvall – Sweden Allsvenkanliga

And now, the Swedish sadness!  Noob saved you a box of tissues after being here last week, Trellesborg.

The bottom two from this league will get automatically Dropped.  Trellesborg are in second-to-last, four points from daylight, which even still might only mean having to play in a Relegation Playoff match with a second division team for the right to stay up.  Noob thinks they’re a goal underdog to their midtable guests today.

RESULT:   Sundsvall   1-6

Image result for Kofi Sarkodie San JoseFun Fact:  Trellesborg have an American  defender on their roster — Kofi Sarkodie.  Prior to this year, he most recently played for MLS’ San Jose Earthquakes.

  1. Union Comercio vs. Melgar – Peru Premier

Here’s an intriguing matchup.  Peru’s Premier plays three separate seasons per year.  The worst two from the aggregate of all three will get The Boot.

Here near the end second season, they’re actually 10th of 18 clubs.  But they were far and away the worst club during the first season, and still sit in last place in that aggregate table.  At home today, Noob thinks they’re in even match against Melgar.  They still can’t score, but at least now they’re preventing the other teams from doing so at will.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Cerro Porteño – Paraguay Premier

3dF fans know they’re rooting for a second-tier club.  They were just promoted this season and they’re going right back down– deep in last place in the year’s aggregate table.  C.P. finished #B in the recently-concluded Apertura, so this could be ugly today.

RESULT:   CP   1-3

Image result for don johnson miami vice Ciudad del Este

 

 

3dF’s home of Ciudad del Este was a filming location for “Miami Vice”.

  1. Merreikh Nyala vs. Kober – Sudan Premier

Sudan’s is the 7th-ranked league in Africa, though no thanks to these two sad sacks.

Late in the season, this one breaks up into Championship and Relegation divisions.  Nyala was midtable, but now are dead last in that second subdivision.  Kober was a midtable team as well, but they have been playing well enough to stay above the Cut Line.  A whopping four teams will get moved down after everything is done.

RESULT:   Kober   0-1

Image result for kofi annan

 

Not Exactly FUN Fact:   In Nyala, former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan cofounded The Amel Center — a place of rehab and treatment for torture victims.

(How about that, two Kofi’s in one Track!)

 

  1. PSIS vs. Bhayangkara – Indonesia Liga 1

Liga 1 here is 27th-ranked in Asia, putting it a little below average.

PSIS are nowhere near average, sitting in second-to-last.  They’re three points from daylight, but have to leapfrog two teams, as three will be sent down.  They’re defense looks average on paper, but it’s really due to they just don’t try playing much offense.  Their guests today are midtable folk.

Fun Fact:   PSIS are based in Semarang, the capital of the province of Central Java.

RESULT:   Bhyangkara   1-2

  1. Jonkopings Sodra vs. Varnamo – Sweden Superettan

More Sweden?   Understandable.  Noob misses the technical support and stylings for Dan the former Intern-o Inferno, too.  Hopefully once he settles into his new entry-level role at his dream organization – the SvFF, Sweden’s women’s professional soccer org – he’ll check in with us.  Buuhhhhht Noob thinks he might really be a spy, so maybe not.  Time will tell.

This is Sweden’s second division, from which to will get run out.  Last-place Varnamo must be Swedish for “make the football sad”.  Then again, Noob studied Spanish on and off throughout his school and university years.  Me gusta juveos muchos en mis pantalones.  Amirite or amirite?  J.S. are meh.

RESULT:   Varnamo   1-3      It’s a Relegation Monday Miracle!

Image result for apladalen värnamo

 

 

So long from Noob and fictional lovers Per and Kersti, at the Apladalen in Varnamo!

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – embrace the Suckitude to start your week

After weekends schedules thick which matches of much importance, Mondays’ tend to run a little lighter.

Here at Noob, we embrace the dark side of Monday by celebrating and getting to know some clubs that are on the verge of being Booted from their current league homes for poor performance.

But first, happier fare —

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Atletico Madrid – International Champions Cup

Whatever PSG may have hoping to see out of starters or reserves in this tournament of exhibitions, essentially, they can’t be seeing it.  They lost 1-3 to Bayern Munich and 1-5 to Arsenal, which had a disappointing 2017 league campaign.

This will be Atletico’s second match of the three they all will play.  For comparison, they beat Arsenal 1-1 on penalties.  Today’s match will be at Singapore’s newish National Stadium.   (7:30 AM, ESPNU)

RESULT:   PSG   3-2

B.  Riga FC vs. RFS – Latvia Higher League

Noob likes to include happy league matches where he can find it.  I mean non-Relegation matches of import.  And if we need to scan down to the 42nd-ranked league In Europe, we’re there.  Hey. they’re playing.

Here. tied-for-3rd hosts 1st.  RFS are six points up on the pack, looking good for the league’s only Champions League berth in 2019.  They also fight over two Europa league invites.  Riga would love to get any kind of result today, hope to keep pace with Leipaja.  They’ll do so with their usual tactic of trying to take the air out of the ball, keep the score low.

RESULT:   Riga FC   1-0

Image result for latvian alphabet

 

In its quest to displace Number Two in lists, Number B enlists alphabets of the world for support.

Latvian alphabet.  Check.

 

 

And now, the Matches of Suckit000000000d!

  1. Trelleborgs FF vs. Hammarby – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

This match in UEFA’s #22-ranked league is very important for both clubs, though for very different reasons.

Hammarby are tied for #B in the table, and only one club will get into the next Champions League.  They trail undefeated AIK by six points.  Even at just halfway through the season, there is no margin for error here.  AIK won’t be collapsing anytime soon.

Trelleborgs might only be in 14th place because they’ve played 1-2 fewer games than other clubs.  But since a win today is unlikely, their stay in this slot in the table is.  It’s third-to-last.  The team that finishes in this position will have a Relegation playoff with a Superettan (second-division) team.

Fun Fact (Though Maybe Not For Them):  TTF aren’t a very popular club nationally, being thought of as rather rural.  They also play a sometimes-unpopular style, not trying to score much, focusing on stout defense.

RESULT:   Hammarby   1-3

  1. TPS vs. Ilves – Finland Veikkausliga

Not far below average in the continental league rankings we find Finland (#36).

At second-to-last, TPS are also in a Relegation Playoff slot in the table.  Neither of these clubs plays much offense.  They’re the only two teams in the league that don’t average even a goal per match.  Noob will Track it, but sure wouldn’t pick this one to watch.  Ilves is in 7th.

RESULT:   Ilves   1-3

Image result for turku finland

 

 

Racing ships in Turku, Finland – home of TPS

  1. Keflavik vs. Briedablik – Iceland Urvalsdield

Catching the theme?  The “big” Euro leagues will be starting soon enough, but these northern ones need to finish up before fall weather sets in.  This league is #40 in UEFA.

Keflavik still has yet to win a game.  They’re dropping a division in a couple months and that’s just all there is to it.  They make the Finnish teams above look like offensive juggernauts.  Briedbalik are tied for #B and just three points out of 1st.

Fun Fact:   Keflavik the town produced many musicians during the 1960’s and 70’s, and so became known as “Beatle Town”.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Leones vs. Alianza Petrolera – Columbia Premier A

This league uses a multi-year points system to determine who gets The Boot annually.   Things are looking grim for Leones, last in that table.  They finished last in the Apertura (first half-season), too.  Still,

Noob gives thinks they’re an even match at home against A.P., which finished just 15th.   If there’s much offense, though, it will be all Petrolera.

RESULT:   A.P.   0-1

Image result for Bitagui

 

 

Fun Fact:  Itagui – home of Leones – is believed to be named for an indigenous tribal chief who was named “Bitagui”.

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Luqueno – Paraguay Premier

The Fighting Februari…ans… are in last in their leagues Relegation table as well.  In a rare instance, though, Noob’s actually favoring them in a match.  3dF finished in last in the Apertura table, but their guests today were only two slots higher.  Looking for a Monday miracle here!

Interesting Strong Rumor:   CA3F’s home of Cuidad del Este is home to many Asian immigrants.  Some Lebanese ones are thought to be heavily involved in trafficking cocaine money to Hezbollah.

RESULT:   Luqueno   0-2

  1. PS TIRA vs. Persib Bandung – Indonesia Liga 1

PS TIRA are tied for last in Asia’s 27th-ranked league.  Yet they’re only a point from possibly daylight.   Today’s not the day to look for a Miracle out of them, even at home.  Bandung lead the league.  This is a battle of the best and worst defenses in the country.

RESULT:   Bandung   2-3

PS TIRA logo.png

 

Fun Fact:  PS TIRA are nicknamed “Army” and “Young Warriors”, as the club was formed by a merger with the National Armed Forces team and another club.

  1. Kondzo vs. JS Talangai – Congo Ligue 1

This is at most, Noob believes, only the second time we’ve Tracked a match from the Republic!  Theirs is the 10th-ranked domestic league in Africa.

That isn’t due to either of these teams, really, and certainly not tied-for last place Kondzo.  Two teams will get demoted from this bunch.  There’s one team down on their level, but all three are losing ground fast on the rest of the pack.  Talangai are in just in 10th, so it’s hardly unthinkable Kondzo starts their push for daylight today.

Fun Fact:   Kondzo are from the capital, Brazzaville.  It is directly across a river from Kinshasa, the capital of DR Congo.  This is the only place the world where capital cities are positioned so.

  1. Persiwa vs. PSS Sleman – Indonesia Liga 2

I know, Noob missed Indonesia, too – let’s double dip!

Persiwa is in last place.  On paper, they may actually be better than four teams ahead of them in the table.  Have to win some close ones.  That will be a tall order against the #B team in the league.  Sleman only concedes a goal about every other game on average.

RESULT:   Sleman   0-1

Image result for wamena papua

 

 

So long from the Papua highlands of Wamena, home of Persiwa!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (5/26) – UEFA Champions League final is upon us!

It’s practically a holiday in much of the world  – UEFA Champions League Final-day!

The ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow still includes nine other games worthy of your ogling, Noobites.  Let your gaze wander over them all.

  1. Real Madrid vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

To see Noob’s preview of the, prediction and the culinary methodology used, scroll down one post or click here:

http://www.soccernoob.com/2018/05/25/uefa-champions-league-preview-and-surefire-prediction-noob-examines-the-cities-traditional-stews/

RESULT:   Real Madrid    3-1     So much for stew.  Maybe next year we’ll try desserts.

B.  New York Red Bulls vs. Philadelphia Union – MLS

Even after scoring six goals in their last two games, 7th-place Philly has the statistically worst offense in the Eastern Conference.  Yet perhaps they’ve found their stride.  They’ll need everything they can muster against the league’s top offense tonight.

The #4 Red Bulls will likely go after Union defender Mark McKenzie.  He’s just 19 and the weak link of Philadelphia’s back line.

RESULT:   0-0     Noob needs to be careful.  20 seconds into the match, the radio commentators on SiriusXM were saying the exact same thing about McKenzie and the back line.   Noob’s is supposed to be Noob.

Image result for Philly letter B

 

 

Noob was unaware there was such a thing as “Philly Font”.  But there’s Number B in it.

  1. Chicago Red Stars vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

A Public Service Announcement from The Management:

Friends don’t let friends build cities on swampland.  Go, Chicago.  Down with the silly mice-people of swamp-Orlando.  Thank you for your attention.

If this has been an actual PSA, you wouldn’t have been on this Website.

#5 hosts #4.

RESULT:   Orlando   2-5

  1. Cincinnati vs. Louisville – USL

Cincinnati looks wrong no matter how many N’s or L’s Noob does or doesn’t put into spelling it.   Can we just all agree it should be “Cincinnnattti”?  Three of each on the back end works.  Three is a magic number.

Oh yes, and this match is the current Eastern Conference #1 versus the defending league champion and current division #B.  Louisville doesn’t score much, but they’ve not needed to.  Exquisite defense.

RESULT:   L’ville   0-2

Image result for spelling is hard meme

 

 

 

Hush, Marion.

  1. Aston Villa vs. Fulham – English Championship

Welcome to “The Most Expensive Game in Football”.  A second-division soccer match in England?  Really, Noob?   Yup.

This is the Final of the Promotion Playoffs, determining which club with join the top two finishers in being promoted to Premier League.  Which is worth something like a quarter billion pounds in TV rights-money and such.

Fulham had a slow start to their season before taking off, are likely the superior team.  Aston Villa’s a little tougher on defense, a mite weaker in goal-scoring.

RESULT:   Fulham   0-1     Welcome to the Premier League giant pot of money.

  1. Atletico MG vs. Flamengo – Brazil Serie A

They’re just a half dozen games into the season here, but this is #B hosting #1, and Noob digs it very much.  Flamengo are the only club averaging a full two goals per match.  but Atletico hasn’t lost since their opening match.  This match will be a… what’s Portuguese for “doozie”?

RESULT:   Flamengo   0-1

Image result for portuguese to english dictionary

 

 

“Sua mamãe.“

 

Really?  That doesn’t seem right somehow.

 

  1. Arsenal Sarandi vs. Club Cipolletti – Copa Argentina

The FA Cup in Argentina is now in its Knockout phase, the Round of 64.  Third-tier Minnows Cipolletti meet a Premier division club today, albeit a weak one.

Cipolletti is in Patagonia.  Noob’s young daughter named one of her stuffed penguins Patagonia.  Let us root for them for this arbitrary reason.

RESULT:   Cipolletti   0-0  /  2-3 pk     We’re Adopting Cipolletti!  You did it, Noobites!

  1. Universidad Catolica vs. Antofagasta – Chile Premier

#1 hosts #4 in a league from which three teams will qualify for next year’s Copa Libertadores.  Antofagasta co-lead the league in offense, but UCatolica are best defensively, and it’s not close.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for catholic soccer funny

 

 

Noob may have grown up a Lutheran, but this is…surprising.

  1. AIK vs. Norrkoping – Sweden Allsvenslanliga

Sweden’s top league has nearly now cracked the top 20 in UEFA’s rankings.  #2 hosts #3 here.  AIK barely allow a goal every other game.  Noob doesn’t think Norrkoping has the firepower to take this match on the road.

RESULT:   3-3

  1. Buducnost Podgorica vs. Sutjeska – Montenegro First League

Congratulations Sutjeska!

This is the league’s last match day of the season, and The Blues have a whopping 19-point lead on #B BP.  And not that Podgorica is a slouch by any means.  They have that #B wrapped up already themselves.  MFL is only the 44th-ranked league in UEFA, so they’ll only get Champions League berth.

RESULT:   Sutjeska   2-3

Image result for niksic montenegro funny

So long from Nicsik, Montenegro!

Forget footyball, Noob’s going ‘canyoning’.

’10 to Track” soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/21) – the suckitude returns!

It’s a Relegation mashup today!   When the schedules are light on Mondays, we here embrace the pain of, get to know and celebrate teams in position to get Demoted.

Today, there are several matches of happier importance as well, so enjoy the remix of sorts.

  1. Montreal Impact vs. LA Galaxy – MLS

It may be just the Eastern Conference 10th place side versus #9 in the West, but it’s the only major game in the U.S. today!

For the rawest Noobites, the name to know for this game is Galaxy forward Zlatan Ibrahimovic.  He’s a Swedish national who was once perhaps the greatest player in the world.  He still thinks of himself as such, and that makes him super-fun.

And we should get a chance to see Zlatan – and others – score plenty.  Montreal are so bad in their own end, I wonder if they would even try defending their mother’s honor.   (3:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   L.A.   0-1    This, despite Zlatan getting a red card for slapping an opposing player in the side of the head.  The Galaxy climb to 7th.

Image result for ladies love zlatan

 

 

Zlatan is ready to attack or defend against whatever.

B.  Dundalk vs. Waterford – League of Ireland Premier

After a middling season last year, Waterford have had a magical stay near top of the table in 2018.  But they are fading.  Still 3rd-place, but they haven’t won in four straight matches now.

Dundalk are trending the other way, leading the league by two points in the standings.  They’ve scored 11 goals in their last four matches (including a League Cup game).

RESULT:   Dundalk   2-0

Image result for irish letter B

 

 

A bit cliche, Number B. 

But you do wear the hat well.

  1. Derry City vs. Bray Wanderers – League of Ireland Premier

Bray are mired so deeply in last place, they can’t even see the sun.  But they did defeat #5 Derry 2-1 in their most recent meeting!  Derry scores in droves, but can’t defend.  Bray can’t do either.

Fun Fact:  Bray have won the second-tier three times in club history.  (They’ve never done jack squat in Premier.)

RESULT:   Derry   2-0

  1. Brondby vs. Aalborg – Denmark Superliga

For Danish teams competing in the championship subdivision, this is the last match day.  (Relegation subdivision will have still more flailing to do.)  And the title is still up for grabs!

Brondby led all season, but have slipped to #B here at the end, trailing Midtjylland by two points in the table.  They get a very mediocre 5th-place Aalborg team that isn’t playing for anything.  But Midtjylland is hosting 6th-place Horsens and probably spanks them.

RESULT:   1-1      And so it’s congratulations to league champs Midtjylland!

Image result for soccer spanking

 

 

<—- Gratuitous soccer spanking image

  1. Randers vs. Lyngby – Denmark Superliga

Doesn’t Lyngby sounds like something one might spread over toast in the morning?  It does to Noob.  It sounds tart and delicious.  I once saw a promo on tv for a program about the history of toast.  But I didn’t watch it.  I mean, I like toast, but c’mon.

Noob?  It’s The Management.  Your doing that thing we talked about.

Unsubstantiated!   I am not wearing my Burger King King mask.  You said that commercial campaign was creepy, and I’m trying to take your word for it.  I –

No.  The other thing.

Right!  Um, Relegation match in Denmark.  Winner is the best of the worst four finishers in the league, gets to stay up.  Loser will vie with others lowbies for a while longer.

RESULT:   Randers   2-1   And so they save their own skin for another top-flight season.

  1. Poli Timisoara vs. Gaz Metan Medias – Romania Liga I

Juventus Bucaresti are already slated for demotion. Poli Timisoara sit in the other auto-Relegation slot currently.  But there are still five teams very much in the loser-mix.

GMM have actually won a few matches since the league divided into championship and relegation subdivisions, but both these teams have run hot and cold in both ends of the field for weeks now.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for timmaay

 

 

 

Fun Fact:  Big Timisoara supporter

  1. Elfsborg vs. Goteborg – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Elfsborg, what happened to your offense?  Even as a mid-table team last summer, you were prolific in that regard!  Now?  League’s worst. Third-to-last place.

Fun Fact:  Noob thinks Elfsborg isn’t even real.  Isn’t it the name of that big elf-town on LOTR?

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Pirin Blagoevgrad vs. Vitosha Bistritsa – Bulgaria First Pro League

These are the two losers from the first round of this league’s Relegation Playoffs.  The loser of this match is done, demoted to Liga II for next season.  The winner will have to win a one-off match with a designated, current Liga II team in order to stay up.

Bistritsa, we’ve hardly known ye.  They won no matches in the regular season, and just one during the Relegation subdivision group stage of the season.  They were promoted last season after finishing 3rd in the second-tier First League.

RESULT:   Bistritsa   1-2     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Image result for vitosha bistritsa watercourse

Fun Fact:  Vitosha Bistritsa is the name of a waterway as well.

  1. Weiner Neustadt vs. Wacker Innsbruck – Austria First League

Congrats, Wacker Innsbruck, you’ve clinched a top-two finish and promotion to your nation’s Bundesliga!  How will you celebrate today?

“With the Weiner-Wacker derby.”

Damn right you will!

RESULT:   Neustadt   1-0

  1. Qabala vs. Qarabag – Kazakhstan Premier

Way to go, Qarabag!  They’ve run away with the league title this year.  Qarabag are #B and have clinched a top-four finish and berth to the next Europa League.  So little is on the line here.

But Noob cannot resist the allure of #1 versus #B.  I don’t even try.

RESULT:   Qarabag   0-1

Image result for kazakhstan potassium mining

 

So long from Kazakhstan! 

Still an awesome exporter of potassium.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (5/20) – MLS, La Liga Final lead us!

Gotta be honest.  Noob’s as weird here as ever with the match previews, and pretty scattershot to boot.   Madonna, Grover, a love-lorn Noob.   None of it related, all of it bizarre.

Still, these are the ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow.  Noob will never compromise, despite the packaging. 🙂

  1. Atlanta United vs. New York Red Bulls – MLS

#1 hosts #5 in a matchup that’s even more exciting than that!  NYRB have played 1-4 fewer games than most teams in the Eastern Conference, will very likely climb the table.

But likely not today.  Atlanta’s home field advantage – thanks to league-leading attendance – has to loom large.  If Red Bulls are to pull off a road upset today, they’ll need to keep scoring like they’ve been, get a big game from British national forward Bradley Wright-Phillips.   (7:00 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   1-3   NYRB     Two goals for Wright-Phillips.  Red Bulls climb to 4th place.

Image result for Bradley Wright-Phillips

 

 

 

Congratulations…?

B.  Toluca vs. Santos – Liga MX

The Final!   League #4 Santos won the first leg 2-1.  But now they get to deal with the league’s regular season-leading defense and champs in Toluca.  In their last meeting outside this Liguilla (postseason tournament),Toluca stymied Santos’ usually-impressive offense 2-0.   (6:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   1-1    Your Clausura champions are Santos!  1-2 on aggregate

Image result for letter B singing

 

Number B is in a musical mood.  Super.

Noob’ll work in some Madonna for no reason whatsoever!

  1. Lazio vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

Italy gets four clubs into Champions League and Lazio is sitting on that last one.  Inter only trail them by three.  If Inter win, then they win the first tiebreaker, which is head-to-head points.  (They drew in their other match this season.)

Catch this one on beIN Sports (2:45 PM) if you can, Noobites.  Lazio lead the league in scoring, but also gave up way more goals than any other team anywhere near top of the table.

Image result for lazio defense

 

 

“Strike a pose/ there’s nothing to it…”

  1. Aves vs. Sporting CP – Taca de Portugal

It’s an FA Cup Final!   They’ll play it in Lisbon, if not on Sporting’s home pitch.

Desportivo das Aves have had a wonderful run in this event, but it looks to end here.  They finished 13th in Primeira Liga for a reason.  #3 Sporting are more defensively-styled themselves, but should have little trouble permeating Aves’ poor defense.

RESULT:   Aves   2-1    After finishing 3rd in the league, Sporting CP fans basically rioted at the team HQ.   Noob is terrified what they’ll do after this result.

Image result for desportivo das aves funny

“I can feel your heart beat/ for the very first tiiiime…”

*head bop*

Enough of that now.

  1. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

A Final!   Noob may not understand how exactly Saprissa qualified for it, but they’re here!  Herediano won both the Apertura and Clausura (first and second half-season tournaments).  Saprissa finished #B in the aggregate table for both.  The first leg between these two went 1-1 at Herediano.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …needing to find someone to edumuhcate me on Costa Rican league format.  Que lastima.

RESULT:   Saprissa   0-0 /  4-3 PK      So away-goals wasn’t a tiebreaker in Costa Rica.  In any case, kudos to the champs!

  1. Alianza vs. Santa Tecla – El Salvador Premier

This Final is interesting because it’s played as a two-legged tie, but both ties are at a neutral site.  Well, technically.  It’s not their home pitch, but they’re in San Salvador, Alianza’s home city.  Perhaps that helped them win the first leg 2-0.

These two finished in #1 and #B in the Clausura, respectively.  A bit strangely, it’s #B Santa Tecla that boasted both the top offense and defense.   (5:00 PM, Centroamerica TV)

RESULT:    Alianza   1-0     

Image result for El Salvador football funny

Noob thinks this is a zing of some kind.  I wish Grover there would translate.  (Grover??)

  1. Universidad de Concepcion vs. Universidad Catolica – Chile Premier

Catolica are #1, having only allowed eight goals all season.  That’s almost twice as good as the next-best teams.  Meanwhile, #3 Concepcion have won an astounding nine consecutive matches.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Concepcion moving into a tie for the league lead, 2-1.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Hammarby vs. AIK – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Pass the pitted drupes, it’s #1 vs. #B!  Neither has lost yet, though AIK has drawn in nearly half their games.  Hammarby finished merely 9th last year.   This season, they’ve ramped up the offense and then some.  Their defense is still sketchy at best, so perennial power AIK can’t be counted out.

RESULT:   AIK   0-1

Image result for pitted drupes

 

 

They know their stone fruits in Sweden.  Snack on.

  1. Sanfrecce Hiroshima vs. Cerezo Osaka – Japan J1 League

Japanophile The Management must be appeased!   Well, plus Noob likes to spread his coverage-love around geographically.   And this is a sterling matchup.

Hiroshima have won 13 of their 15 matches.  They barely missed being Relegated a year ago!  The difference?  Defense.  Just five goals conceded in thus far.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Well, more feels that C.Osaka have overachieved in winning three straight matches.  Hiroshima continues it’s league onslaught, 4-1.

RESULT:   Cerezo Osaka   0-2

  1. Tampines Rovers vs. Albirex Niigata – Singapore S. League

Double I’s.  Noob is once again transfixed.  Why do you torture me so?  I know my love for you is unreturned, double I’s.  Do you even know Noob?  Would you look at me if we passed each other along the Marina Bay waterfront?

Oh yes, and #B faces #1.

RESULT:   Albirex Niigata   3-4

Top 7 Romantic Attractions in Singapore

 

So long from Marina Bay, Singapore!

Where Noob waits beyond hope for double-i’s…

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/7) – suckitude powers, engage!

Monday, Noob will not fight you.  Never have, never will.  Instead, I embrace your dark side.

Join me, Noobites, in getting to know some teams that are about to get Departed from their current league.  May they rest in peace in lower leagues.

But first, three non-Relegation matches of varying import —

  1. Penn FC vs. Ottawa Fury – USL

If the U.S. had promotion/relegation, these two would be candidates to go down to the third tier.

Penn FC are the previously-named Harrisburg City Islanders.  Rebranding, meh.  Spend time scouting some players who can score instead.  (Five goals in seven games)   You’re in 13th.

Ottawa is one of the NASL clubs that have moved over this season from that currently non-operational league.  They stunk there, they stink in USL.  Last place.  They’re offense makes Penn’s look hyoooooj.  (Two goals in six games)

So why Track it?   Honestly?  Because it’s the only U.S. match at either of the top two levels today.  Muricuh!

Noobstradamus Sees:   Penn 1-0, in front of a crowd of dozens.  Rebranding, haha.

RESULT:   Ottawa   0-1   Game-winner scored in the 87′

Image result for muricuh

 

 

Soooo much Muricuh it’s blinding.

B.  Al-Sadd vs. Al Ahli – AFC Champions League

The Group Stage survivors now begin the knockout Round of 16.

Al-Sadd finished #B in their Group.  They also finished #B in Qatar’s top-flight league (#3-ranked in Asia) and won the nation’s FA Cup.  Al Ahli finished #B in the Saudi Premier (#7-ranked).

Noobstradamus Sees:   2-2     Al Ahli are better, but Al-Sadd has been scoring like on a pinball machine.

RESULT:   Al-Sadd   2-1

Image result for letter B pinball

 

 

Number B, retro-cool

  1. Besiktas vs. Kayserispor – Turkey Super League

Europe’s most dramatic league finish is in Turkey.  The top three clubs are separated by just three points.

#4 Besiktas have played one fewer matches than the leaders, can move within a point of #B/#3 with a win today.  #8 Kayserispor have overachieved to even be that high in the table.

Noobstradamus Sees:  The home Black Eagles winning 3-1.

RESULT:   Besiktas   2-0

  1. Anzhi Makhachkala vs. FK Akhmat – Russia Premier

Makhachkala are in a precarious position with just one league match to play.

In this 16-team league, they are tied for 14th (ahead on GD).  The bottom two will be automatically relegated.  The next two play in a Relegation Playoff for a chance to stay in Premier.

Noobstradamus Sees:   #11 Akhmat getting the road win, 1-2.  The hosts can’t defend worth a lick.

RESULT:   Akhmat   0-2

Fun Fact:  Anhzi means “pearl” in a somewhat local Turkic language

Image result for defenseless funny

 

 

Speaking of no defense…

  1. Pacos de Ferreira vs. Rio Ave – Primeira Liga

It’s a party at the bottom of Portugal’s top-flight table– there’s a three-way tie for last!  PdF have the best chance of avoiding The Boot though, as they have two matches to play.  Their peers are down to just one.

The bad news is that Rio Ave is #5 in the league, play the best defense outside of the league’s runaway top four.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Rio Ave  0-2

RESULT:   0-0

Fun Fact:  PdF are “the Beavers”.

  1. Sepsi OSK vs. Concordia Chiajna – Romania Liga I

Chiajna are in third-to-last place.  Whichever club finishes in that spot will play the 3rd-place team from Liga II for the right to be in Liga I next season.  Sepsi are two points up the table.   This league has several matches still to play, and things at the bottom are tight.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Chiajna 0-2    Sepsi returns to their woeful offense-ways after a stretch of decent football.

RESULT:   Chiajna   0-2    See, Noobstradamus sees all!  Well, some.  A little…

Fun Fact:  Chiajna is really three villages, with a combined pop. of less than 9000.

Image result for chiajna monastery

 

 

 

Chiajna Monastery

  1. Etar vs. Pirin Blagoevgrad – Bulgaria First Pro League

Bulgaria’s Relegation system is so unnecessarily drawn out.  Noob started to spell it all out here, but it was dizzying.

Here’s the need-to-know.  The worst four teams now play in a bracketed Relegation Playoff.  these are two of those.  They will be joined in the end by the #B and #3 Liga II teams.  Win two games, you’re saved.  Otherwise, demoted.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Stars, and a spinning room.  Bulgaria, clean this crap up.

RESULT:   Etar   2-1

Fun Fact:   No Fun Fact for you, Bulgaria!  Clean.  This.  Up.

  1. Sirius vs. Orebro – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

This summer league is just beginning.  Still, Sirius is near the bottom, trying to ramp up their league-worst offense.  Orebro are in 5th, one of three still-undefeated teams.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Orebro 0-2

RESULT:   Orebro   2-4

Fun Fact:  IK Sirius is also the name of a bandy club, bandy being basically ice hockey, but with a ball.   Noob’s sirius.

Image result for that's just awful

  1. Banfield vs. Chacarita Juniors – Argentina Premier

All four sides to be Relegated here are already determined.  So long “Undertakers”.  What a weird nickname, Chacarita.  (6:00 PM Eastern, TyC Sports International)

Noobstrdamus Sees:   0-0    Banfield are below average themselves.

Fun Fact:  The shortest word you can play in Scrabble using all the letters in “Chacarita” is “tachycardia”.

RESULT:   Banfield   2-1

  1. Johor Darul Ta’zim II vs. Sarawak FA – Indonesia Premier

They’re only about ten games into the season, but JDT II have got to start scoring if they’re going to get their first win of the year.  Sarawak are mid-table.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …you surprised to find out that despite the “Premier” name, this is not Malaysia’s top league!  That would be their “Super League”.  This doubles as the Fun Fact.

RESULT:   JDT2   2-0

Image result for johor bahru malaysia funny

 

 

 

So long, from Johor Bahru, Indonesia!