Tag: Arsenal

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – embrace the Suckitude to start your week

After weekends schedules thick which matches of much importance, Mondays’ tend to run a little lighter.

Here at Noob, we embrace the dark side of Monday by celebrating and getting to know some clubs that are on the verge of being Booted from their current league homes for poor performance.

But first, happier fare —

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Atletico Madrid – International Champions Cup

Whatever PSG may have hoping to see out of starters or reserves in this tournament of exhibitions, essentially, they can’t be seeing it.  They lost 1-3 to Bayern Munich and 1-5 to Arsenal, which had a disappointing 2017 league campaign.

This will be Atletico’s second match of the three they all will play.  For comparison, they beat Arsenal 1-1 on penalties.  Today’s match will be at Singapore’s newish National Stadium.   (7:30 AM, ESPNU)

RESULT:   PSG   3-2

B.  Riga FC vs. RFS – Latvia Higher League

Noob likes to include happy league matches where he can find it.  I mean non-Relegation matches of import.  And if we need to scan down to the 42nd-ranked league In Europe, we’re there.  Hey. they’re playing.

Here. tied-for-3rd hosts 1st.  RFS are six points up on the pack, looking good for the league’s only Champions League berth in 2019.  They also fight over two Europa league invites.  Riga would love to get any kind of result today, hope to keep pace with Leipaja.  They’ll do so with their usual tactic of trying to take the air out of the ball, keep the score low.

RESULT:   Riga FC   1-0

Image result for latvian alphabet

 

In its quest to displace Number Two in lists, Number B enlists alphabets of the world for support.

Latvian alphabet.  Check.

 

 

And now, the Matches of Suckit000000000d!

  1. Trelleborgs FF vs. Hammarby – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

This match in UEFA’s #22-ranked league is very important for both clubs, though for very different reasons.

Hammarby are tied for #B in the table, and only one club will get into the next Champions League.  They trail undefeated AIK by six points.  Even at just halfway through the season, there is no margin for error here.  AIK won’t be collapsing anytime soon.

Trelleborgs might only be in 14th place because they’ve played 1-2 fewer games than other clubs.  But since a win today is unlikely, their stay in this slot in the table is.  It’s third-to-last.  The team that finishes in this position will have a Relegation playoff with a Superettan (second-division) team.

Fun Fact (Though Maybe Not For Them):  TTF aren’t a very popular club nationally, being thought of as rather rural.  They also play a sometimes-unpopular style, not trying to score much, focusing on stout defense.

RESULT:   Hammarby   1-3

  1. TPS vs. Ilves – Finland Veikkausliga

Not far below average in the continental league rankings we find Finland (#36).

At second-to-last, TPS are also in a Relegation Playoff slot in the table.  Neither of these clubs plays much offense.  They’re the only two teams in the league that don’t average even a goal per match.  Noob will Track it, but sure wouldn’t pick this one to watch.  Ilves is in 7th.

RESULT:   Ilves   1-3

Image result for turku finland

 

 

Racing ships in Turku, Finland – home of TPS

  1. Keflavik vs. Briedablik – Iceland Urvalsdield

Catching the theme?  The “big” Euro leagues will be starting soon enough, but these northern ones need to finish up before fall weather sets in.  This league is #40 in UEFA.

Keflavik still has yet to win a game.  They’re dropping a division in a couple months and that’s just all there is to it.  They make the Finnish teams above look like offensive juggernauts.  Briedbalik are tied for #B and just three points out of 1st.

Fun Fact:   Keflavik the town produced many musicians during the 1960’s and 70’s, and so became known as “Beatle Town”.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Leones vs. Alianza Petrolera – Columbia Premier A

This league uses a multi-year points system to determine who gets The Boot annually.   Things are looking grim for Leones, last in that table.  They finished last in the Apertura (first half-season), too.  Still,

Noob gives thinks they’re an even match at home against A.P., which finished just 15th.   If there’s much offense, though, it will be all Petrolera.

RESULT:   A.P.   0-1

Image result for Bitagui

 

 

Fun Fact:  Itagui – home of Leones – is believed to be named for an indigenous tribal chief who was named “Bitagui”.

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Luqueno – Paraguay Premier

The Fighting Februari…ans… are in last in their leagues Relegation table as well.  In a rare instance, though, Noob’s actually favoring them in a match.  3dF finished in last in the Apertura table, but their guests today were only two slots higher.  Looking for a Monday miracle here!

Interesting Strong Rumor:   CA3F’s home of Cuidad del Este is home to many Asian immigrants.  Some Lebanese ones are thought to be heavily involved in trafficking cocaine money to Hezbollah.

RESULT:   Luqueno   0-2

  1. PS TIRA vs. Persib Bandung – Indonesia Liga 1

PS TIRA are tied for last in Asia’s 27th-ranked league.  Yet they’re only a point from possibly daylight.   Today’s not the day to look for a Miracle out of them, even at home.  Bandung lead the league.  This is a battle of the best and worst defenses in the country.

RESULT:   Bandung   2-3

PS TIRA logo.png

 

Fun Fact:  PS TIRA are nicknamed “Army” and “Young Warriors”, as the club was formed by a merger with the National Armed Forces team and another club.

  1. Kondzo vs. JS Talangai – Congo Ligue 1

This is at most, Noob believes, only the second time we’ve Tracked a match from the Republic!  Theirs is the 10th-ranked domestic league in Africa.

That isn’t due to either of these teams, really, and certainly not tied-for last place Kondzo.  Two teams will get demoted from this bunch.  There’s one team down on their level, but all three are losing ground fast on the rest of the pack.  Talangai are in just in 10th, so it’s hardly unthinkable Kondzo starts their push for daylight today.

Fun Fact:   Kondzo are from the capital, Brazzaville.  It is directly across a river from Kinshasa, the capital of DR Congo.  This is the only place the world where capital cities are positioned so.

  1. Persiwa vs. PSS Sleman – Indonesia Liga 2

I know, Noob missed Indonesia, too – let’s double dip!

Persiwa is in last place.  On paper, they may actually be better than four teams ahead of them in the table.  Have to win some close ones.  That will be a tall order against the #B team in the league.  Sleman only concedes a goal about every other game on average.

RESULT:   Sleman   0-1

Image result for wamena papua

 

 

So long from the Papua highlands of Wamena, home of Persiwa!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (4/30) – MLS rolls on, western UEFA leagues in the home stretches

Noob is here.  And he’s in effect.  Makin’ you work up a sweat…

OK, that’ll make comparatively more sense soon.

The 10 most important matches for us, the newish American fans, to follow!   Let’s push right into them.

  1. NYCFC vs. Dallas – MLS

At time of posting, NYCFC lead the Eastern Conference.  If Atlanta United come back against Montreal impact, they could be tied or in position #B.  Dallas are #3, but could get jumped by New York Red Bulls tonight.

Dallas crapped the bed the entire final stretch last season, wasting an otherwise strong season and just missed the Playoffs.  But they’re defense is stepped up and then some now; they’ve given up just three goals so far in ’18.

NYCFC can dominate on either side of the ball, will likely try to push the pace at home.

RESULT:   NYCFC   3-1

Image result for push it real good animated gif

 

 

Dare Noob say?

Push it real good.

B.  Manchester United vs. Arsenal – English Premier

It’s mathematically possible for #B Man Utd. to still fall out of the top four and miss the next Champions League.  Noob could also win Powerball and fulfill his dream of travelling by John Madden-style super-bus to the annual Scrabble tournament in Homer, Alaska.

It’s not my only dream.  But it IS a dream.

Arsenal are in 6th, locked in for Europa League.

RESULT:   Man Utd   2-1     Man U gets the winner in second half injury time!

Image result for letter B dream

 

 

 

Noob also dreams of Number B.

  1. Lyon vs. Manchester City – UEFA women’s Champions League

The first leg of the Semifinal went scoreless.  The three-time defending champions will find the back of the net at home though, win through.   It’s like American women’s college basketball.  There’s just not a lot of parity in the game yet.

RESULT:   Lyon   1-0

  1. Celtic vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Celtic just hosted Rangers two matches ago.  Weird.  Celtic lambasted them 4-0.

Anywho!  Celtic are on the edge of wrapping up the league title.  Rangers have slipped to 3rd, and could miss even Europa League if they don’t get it together.  But getting it together doesn’t happen for others at Celtic.

RESULT:   Celtic   5-0

Image result for aragorn football ranger

 

 

Wrong Ranger, wrong kit, Viggo.

  1. Galatasaray vs. Besiktas – Turkey Super Lig

Galatasaray and Fenerbahce are tied for 1st.  Besiktas and Istanbul Basaksehir are tied for 3rd.  This is going to be an epic league title finish!

And Noob is far from certain Galatasaray are going to get the story ending they want.  They’ve been inconsistent at best down the stretch.  They fare well enough against quality teams, but keep losing to garbage teams near or at the table’s bottom.

Besiktas, meanwhile, have won four straight.  But they haven’t beaten a good team since February.

RESULT:   Galatasaray   2-0

  1. Ajax vs. AZ Alkmaar – Netherlands Eredivisie

Just the top two Dutch teams get into Champions League these days.  Alkmaar are running out of time to be one.  They’re five points down in the table to Ajax for that second slot.  (And Eindhoven have already won the league.)

RESULT:   Ajax   3-0

Image result for az alkmaar funny

 

 

For-real photo of AZ goalie fighting off a charging Ajax fan.

  1. APOEL Nicosia vs. Apollon Limassol – Cyprus First Division

Cyprus?  Yip!  This league just cracked the top 20 in UEFA rankings.

APOEL took the regular season title, but Apollon Limassol has overtaken them now that the league is divided into Championship and Relegation subdivisions.  The new leaders have won five straight league matches.  Given how they’re beating teams on both offense and defense handily, they’re looking likely to hold onto the league’s lone Champions League berth.

RESULT:   APOEL   2-1   And into the lead by a point!

  1. FCSB vs. Cluj – Romania Liga I

It’s a similar story here as in Cyprus.  Cluj won the regular season battle, but FCSB have passed them in the Championship Playoffs.

It’s not like Cluj has been losing.  To anyone.  They’ve simply become a sister-kissing machine – nothing but draws of late nearly.  FCSB haven’t loss since February themselves, and have the momentum and home pitch advantage today.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for kissing machine

 

No…

 

No!

  1. LDU de Quito vs. Barcelona SC – Ecuador Serie A

Noob transitions you out of Europe with a match featuring a club named for a European club.  No sense disorienting any Noobites on a Sunday.

They’re ten games into the First Stage of the 2018-season.  #1 BSC sports the best offense and defense so far.  #B LDU de Quito will be their toughest test so far.  Only one team from Ecuador qualifies for Copa Libertadories, South America’s version of Champions League.

RESULT:   Quito   2-1

  1. Jeonbuk vs. Suwon Bluewings – South Korea K League 1

This is South Korea’s top-flight league.  Last year this was “K-League Classic”.

Defending champs Jeonbuk and #B Suwon have each lost only once nine games into this season.  Both losses were to crap teams, but right during AFC Champions League qualification.  Noob wonders if either was even playing starters.

Jeonbuk have scored the most so far, and have only allowed four goals to date.  Noob sees no reason to think Suwon will upset them at home.

RESULT:   Suwon   2-0

Image result for Jeonbuk champions

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches (4/24-26) – bring us Champions Leagueness!

Time for Midweek Madness!   OK, Noob doesn’t really think there’s any more madness Tuesday-Thursday than any other time.  But chicks dig alliteration.  I’m sure of it.

Tuesday, 4/24

  1. Liverpool vs. AS Roma – UEFA Champions League

The Semifinals are here!  These two both surprised world soccer giants last round to advance.  This is the first match of a two-legged tie.

Noobites, you can of course find all manner of highly-detailed previews on many sites.  Our purpose here is fun, learning/increased awareness, and packaged in zaniness many times.  But Noob will offer up one particular angle.

Footballdatabase.com appears to use the chess world’s ELO formula -or a modified version of it- to rate clubs.  I find it very accurate.  Today, these two rate as 1966 and 1872, respectively.  Think of, oh, borderline Grandmaster vs. very solid Expert.

So, based on evidence I’ve casually tracked since starting this site, Noob’s calling Liverpool not quite a 1.5 goal favorite today.  Take it to the bank!  (Of course, I don’t think soccer betting is run with point spreads, so maybe just stick it in an old mattress.)   (2:45 PM Eastern, FS 1)

RESULT:   Liverpool   5-2

Image result for elo rating formula

B.  Penn FC vs. Nashville FC – USL

Penn FC were Harrisburg City Islanders previously. This is not a new club, just a rebranding.  Nashville are an expansion club.

Penn did not win any of their first matches. Nashville is a .500 club so far, but Noob thinks they’ve been either lucky or gritty so far.   Penn gets their first W today.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for brand B

 

 

Gotta be honest, Number B.  Not the most creative rebranding there.

 

 

 

Deeper Dive:  any of the three Copa Libertadores matches, Bulgarian FA Cup semifinal, China FA Cup matches, or either League of Ireland (not FA) Cup match.

Wednesday, 4/25

  1. Guadalajara vs. Toronto FC – CONCACAF Champions League

The Final!  Guadalajara took the first league in Canadia 1-2.  Toronto can’t just win 0-1 today in order to tie things up.  They’d lose on the away-goals tiebreaker.

Toronto have had a miserable start to their MLS season.  They’re out of gas.  The Guad Squad is going to get to put on a show.  Rather than just sit on the ball and milk their lead, this feels to Noob like a 3-0 rout.   (9:30 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Toronto 1-2 in regulation      But Guad wins the title 4-2 in pk’s.   Heartbreak for Toronto.  Guad should’ve been down a man to a red card much of the second half when one of their players punched a Toronto player right in the stomach, 10′ from a ref with a clear view.  Not even a foul called.

  1. Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

Two +2000 Grandmaster clubs.  Noob might’ve thought the winner will be a heavy favorite to take the title.  But Bayern didn’t completely dominate a Sevilla team that they should’ve in the Quarters.  And Real nearly blew a big lead to Juventus.

Bayern have been scoring – at least in league play – like gangbusters.  Noob’s calling this one as 3-1 for the home side, as they can control the pace at home.   (2:45 PM, FS1, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Real   1-2

Image result for grandmaster flash

 

 

Grandmaster Flash carried an ELO rating of a billion.

  1. Boca Juniors vs. Palmeiras – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of Champions League continues its group stage.  The top two finishers from each Group of four will advance.

Boca are Argentina’s #1-ranked entry into this event.  Palmeiras are the #3 from Brazil.  Yet Palmeiras are the ones leading this Group, and by two over their hosts today.  They’d take a draw in a heartbeat.

Boca will look to push and play for the win, get more distance in the table over Atletico Junior of Colombia.   (8:45 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Palmeiras   0-2

  1. FC Tokyo vs. Sanfrecce Hiroshima – J1 League

The league season is almost ten games in, yet Noob wonders if this is the first Track-worthy match we’ve seen from Japan.

Hiroshima finished near the bottom of the table last year.  Now?  They’ve not lost once. FC Tokyo finished low enough last year that Noob thought perhaps they’d just been promoted from J2.  Even at #B, they trail FCT by nine in the table.

RESULT:   Tokyo   3-1

Image result for sanfrecce mascot

 

 

Hiroshima’s mascots striking poses

  1. Zlin vs. Jablonec – Czech FA Cup

There are many FA Cups matches being played around Europe today.  The Czech Cup semifinal today pits two teams from the #13 league in Europe, the highest ranking represented this week.

Zlin are in 9th in the league this year.  Given their awful GD, Noob’s not sure how they’ve managed even that.  They’ll get all they can handle from their 6th-place guests.

Aaaand then the winner will get smooshed by Slavia Prague in the Final.    And then they’ll pee their pants, the end.

RESULT:   Jablonec   0-1

Deeper Dive:  #3 Ranheim vs. #1 Brann, Norway Eliteserien; #3 Maritzburg United vs. #1 Mamelodi Sundowns, South Africa Premier; #2 Suwon Bluewings vs. #3 Gyeongnam FC, South Korea K1 League; #4 Prachuap vs. #3 Chiangrai United, Thai 1 League; any China FA Cup matches, Brazil FA Cup Round of 16 matches, or FA Cup semis from Bulgaria, Cyprus, or Denmark

Thursday, 4/26

  1. Arsenal vs. Atletico Madrid – Europa League

UEFA’s secondary continental tournament has reached its Semifinals.  This is the first match of a two-legged tie.

Arsenal better hope they get some sort of lift perhaps trying to win this thing as a tribute to now-departing manager Arsene Wenger, because Atletico is probably by far the strongest team remaining.  He’d been with the club over 20 years, but either gracefully stepped aside or was forced out less than a week ago.   (3:05 PM, FS1, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1     Atletico had a player and their manager kicked out 10 minutes into the match.  Arsenal still couldn’t take care of business.

Image result for arsene wenger sad face

  1. Lillestrom vs. Sarpsborg – Norway Super Cup

Super Cups usually happen right as the league season is beginning, pitting last year’s FA Cup champs against the defending league champs.  This one was delayed because of wintry conditions.  Shock me.

Lillestrom only finished 12th in league last year.  They qualified for this by beating Sarpsborg in the FA Cup final.  Sarpsurg has started a little slowly this season, but it’s very early.  Lillestrom – who host today – aren’t doing any better than in 2017.

RESULT:   Sarpsborg   0-1     Congrats!

  1. Al Ahly vs. El Zamalek – Egypt Premier

Noob ends the midweek Track honoring the champions of Africa’s #1 league.  With two matches to go, Al Ahly lead the next team up by a mind-boggling 21 points in the table.

Zamalek are in 3rd.  This is their final league match.  They can’t catch #B Ismaily for a Champions League berth, but they could themselves be passed by #4 Al Masry.  3rd place gets into the Confederations Cup, Africa’s version of Europa League.

RESULT:   Zamalek   1-2

Image result for mind boggling facts

 

OK, that’s mind-boggling

 

 

Deeper Dive:  any of the Copa Libertadores matches; Denmark’s FA Cup semifinal; #B Partizan vs. #4 Radnicki, Serbia Superliga, #3 Hapoel Katamon Jerusalem vs. #1 Hapoel Tel Aviv, Israel Leumit Liga (second-tier)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Thursday, 4/5 – plus Noob battles Dan the Intern-o Inferno

Plenty of high-quality footyball in today’s ten most important games for the newish American soccer fan to follow.

Just be warned, things might get ugly here with me and the Intern.   He’s a nefarious ne’er-do-well, and Noob should slash his non-existent pay yet again.

  1. U.S.A. vs. Mexico – international women’s friendly

Women’s World Cup isn’t until next year, but these two are already qualified.  They are ranked #1 and #25 respectively.  It shouldn’t be close, but it’s hard to know how much the game will be used by each team to test players who may or may not make the WC rosters.  (7:00 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   USA   4-1

Image result for so much freedom meme

 

 

Muricuh!

B.  Arsenal vs. CSKA Moscow – Europa League

And then there were eight.  Europe’s almost-but-not Champions League has reached the first leg of its Quarterfinals.   Some folks diss this event, but remember:  the winner gets an automatic invite to Champions League next year, no matter how they do in their league season.

Russia’s league actually ranks 6th in Europe.  But England is England.  Arsenal by a goal feels right.  (3:05 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Arsenal   4-1

Image result for russian letter B

 

Number B?  Um, Noob’s having trouble as it is getting folks on board with you replacing Number Two.

Going Russian for any length of time isn’t going to help.

  1. Red Bull Leipzig vs. Marseille – Europa League

These two are about as even as it gets, on paper.  Wish this one were going to be on teevee, could easily be the best match of the day.  But Fox is opting for Atletico Madrid and Sporting Lisbon on FS2.  Portugal sucks, that match won’t be close.  Fools!

RESULT:   Leipzig   1-0

  1. Bolivar vs. Atletico National – Copa Libertadores

Group Stage continues in South America’s version of Champions league.  Top two from each pod of four will advance to the Knockout Stage.

Colombia’s football is much stronger than Bolivia’s, and this match reflects that.  Still, Bolivar as host makes this about an even match.  Atletico have won both their Group matches, while Bolivar have drawn in theirs.  (8:30 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Bolivar   1-0

Image result for copa libertadores funnyYep, that’s a straight up Copa Libertadores punch.

And in South American football, that’s practically just flirting.

  1. Estudiantes vs. Santos – Copa Libertadores

Argentinian and Brazilian powers collide… and everyone gets yellow cards.  Klutzes.

RESULT:   Santos   0-1

  1. Switzerland vs. Scotland – UEFA women’s World Cup qualification

Seven Groups of five here.  The winners all qualify for World Cup.  The four best runners up will meet in a playoff.

Switzerland haven’t mathematically gotten in yet, but they’re running away with the Group.  Scotland are one of two teams next up at six points each in the table.  Mighty offense versus super defense.  FIFA ranks them #8 and #32, respectively.

RESULT:   Switzerland   1-0

Image result for switzerland scotland funny map

Gah!!

Thanks for the nightmares, Dan the Intern-o Inferno.

  1. Austria vs. Serbia – UEFA women’s World Cup qualification

Spain are going to win this group, so the battle is for the second slot and hoping for enough points to make the aforementioned Playoff.  Serbia have little hope, but Austria are in 3rd and can at least see some daylight.  They are FIFA-ranked #21 and #43.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Carabobo vs. Caracas – Venezuela Premier

#1 hosts #3 in one of South America’s lesser leagues.  They will get the minimum four berths into next year’s Copa Libertadores.  Carabobo play a wide open style, so look for lots o’ goals here.

RESULT:   0-0   or not…

Image result for screwing around at work

 

Smart move, Dan the Intern-o Inferno.

Noob’s coming for ya’!!

  1. SonderskyjE vs. Brondby – Denmark FA Cup

This is a Quarterfinal knockout match, pitting the 8th and 1st-place league teams against one another.  Brondby are probably considered a small favorite, even on the road.  Blah blah blahWHAT is up with that capital E on the end of that club name?!  Interrobang!   Aggressive need for knowledge!

RESULT:   Brondby   0-1   AET

  1. Suduva vs. Atlantas Klaipeda – Lithuania A Lyga

OK, deep breath after feature match #9.   We finish the Track with a league just a few games into its season.  That said, these clubs are already in familiar positions, 1st and 3rd place.  This is the 43rd-ranked league in Europe.

RESULT:   Suduva   2-1

Image result for workplace peace

 

 

 

Suggested reading for Noob, Dan-o?

Noob’s going with Art of War.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Thursday, 3/1 – Noob scorns Seattle Sounders

The ten most super matches to follow for we the newish American soccer fans lie just below.  They are packed with goodness, but spiced with scorn!

Tip o’ the day:  Noobites, please consider following on Twitter, @SoccerNoobUSA.

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Santa Tecla – CONCACAF Champions League

El Salvador’s current second-place league team lead 1-2 after the first match of this two-legged tie (two-match series).  On paper, Sounders should be an even match for them at home.  But MLS hasn’t quite begun, so that rust leaves visitors the favorites INHO.

And that’s with no bias from Noob.  This, despite the fact that the first diehard soccer fan I ever met was a college T.A. / massive bag of douche.  Noob is forever soured on the Sounders.

RESULT:   Seattle   4-0

Image result for douchebag funny

 

 

Home soil usually gets Noob’s support, but here’s looking at you, Sounder.

B.  NY Red Bulls vs. Olimpia – CONCACAF Champions League

Olimpia, from Honduras, are the superior team.  But they only managed a 1-1 draw against NYRB at their own place, and now the road awaits.

Actually, Noob wonders if home field advantage for this second leg will mean much.  This wouldn’t be the first time an Amuricuhn side had quieter supporters than the visitors.

RESULT:   NYRB   2-0

Image result for snazzy letter B

 

Name:  Number B        

(Join the quest for change, Noobites.)

  1. Arsenal vs. Manchester City – English Premier

Arsenal are in 6th, and far enough back of even 5th in the table that their fate seems sealed – Europa League.  Burnley won’t catch them.  Man City are riding high after winning the EFL Cup, should be favored here on the road by a goal.

RESULT:   Man City   0-3

  1. Alianza Lima vs. Boca Juniors – Copa Libertadores

This is the first match of the Group Stage for these two in South America’s Champions League.  Full disclosure: this match probably won’t be close.  A.Lima is more on par with a good MLS team.  Boca Juniors are an Argentinian behemoth.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for full disclosure funny

 

Just what are you trying to tell Noob, interwebs?

  1. Caen vs. Lyon – Coupe de France

These two are 13th and 4th place in Ligue 1, respectively.  Caen’s hope lies in that Lyon may be far more focused on league play.  Only the top three will get into Champions League, and Lyon is close-ish at five points out of 4th.  This is Quarterfinal match.

RESULT:   Caen   1-0

  1. Midtjylland vs. Brondby – Denmark Superliga

These two are in an absolute dogfight for the regular season title, #B Brondby trailing by just three points with four matches to go.  Then the league title playoffs begin, for which these two have already qualified.

RESULT:   Brondby   0-1

Image result for danish dogfight

 

 

[See caption 4.]

  1. Besiktas vs. Fenerbahce – Turkey FA Cup

League 3rd place hosts 4th in this Semifinal, which should be one of the most competitive matches of the day.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. AE Larissa vs. AEK Athens – Greece FA Cup

This is the first leg of the Semifinal.    Larissa doesn’t score a lick, which is why they’re 13th place in league play.  AEK only give up a goal every other game on average, and the league Bth-place side won’t give one up today.

RESULT:  AEL   2-1 !

Image result for ae larissa funny

Actual AEL match photo.

AEL, you’re doing…whatever that is… wrong.

  1. Esteghlal vs. Persepolis – Persian Gulf Pro League

Esteghlal is in a five-team logjam for 3rd place.  This will make for a wild and wooly finish, as exactly the top three league finishers will make the AFC Champions League.  They have a huge lead in goal differential, but that’s unlikely to matter which so many clubs in that mix.

Also, they’re going to get bushwhacked by runaway league-leader Persepolis.   Noobstradamus divines a 1-3 thrashing.

RESULT:   Esteghlal   1-0      Noob fail

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Judging by my facial expression, might I be experiencing a logjam of my very own right now?

  1. Al-Ain vs. Al-Wahda – UAE Pro League

This also seems to be known or have been known as Arabian Gulf Pro League.  I wish this and some other leagues around the globe would make up their darn minds.  I am Noob!   Don’t confuse me.  Noob does not need your help on that front.

That said, the match should be a doozy.  #1 hosts #B, separated by only one point in the table.  The top three will get into AFC Champions League.  But since UAE will be the host country later this year, the league champ will also get into the Club World Cup.  Enticing!

RESULT:   Al Ain   6-2

’10 to Track’ soccer matches midweek edition: UEFA Champions League returns!

Relegation Monday saw an astounding three upsets from yesterday’s feature matches.  And now we get to huddle around the life-giving light that is UEFA Champions League.

Rejoice, give thanks… and watch out for the armed Lapalandic culinary madman at post’s end…

Tuesday, 2/13

  1. Juventus vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – UEFA Champions League

The Knockout Round begins!  We’re down to 16 teams.  The eight Group Stage winners will each face off against a randomly-drawn second place-finishesr.  Each pair will play a two-legged tie (two-match series, home and away) to determine who advances.

Hotspur carry the slightly-lesser international rating, but have been on fire in arguably the world’s toughest league. They also didn’t lose any Group Stage matches.

Juve recently took over first place in Italy’s Serie A.  Noob’s calling this one for the home team, and hopes it’s not his anti-Hotspur bias clouding his senses.

RESULT:   2-2      Reviled Hotspur actually dominated this game, but fell behind 0-2 early.

B.  Basel vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

During the Group Stage and other international events, Noob sang the praises of the surprising Swiss.  But this is Man City, top of the English Premier heap.  Basel would do well to keep within a goal, even at home.

RESULT:   Man City   0-4

Image result for singing letter B

 

 

Number B sings, too.  

Even if she’s lyrically-challenged.

 

  1. CF América vs. Morelia – Liga MX

The hosts are #B in the league, one of two clubs to have not yet lost early here in the Clausura (second half-season).  They sport the best defense this go-round.  Morelia are not far behind, in 5th.

And the “Monarchs” will lose, MUST lose.   No kings and queens in North America!  Noob’s quest to tear down all monarch-named teams is right up there with the same for Hotspur and the quest for the world to accept Number B in all lists and rankings.

RESULT:   America   3-1

Honorable mention:   Crvena Zvezda/CSKA Moscow (Europa League), any AFC Champions League or Copa Sudamericana match, Santiago Wanderers/Santa Fe (Copa Libertadores qualification)

Wednesday, 2/14

  1. Real Madrid vs. Paris Saint-Germain – UEFA Champions League

Real Madrid are the defending champions, but only finished #B in their Group.  This matches up with them having slipped to 4th place in La Liga.

Meanwhile, PSG won their Group and has run away with the French top league title.  They’ve been a goal-scoring beast, and Noobstradamus is making this is Prognostication O’ the Week.  Real’s struggles continue with a home embarrassment – PSG:  0-2.

RESULT:   Real   3-1      PSG scored first, but that woke Real up, apparently

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

As embarrassing as my choice in head gear and my Forrest Whitaker-eye

  1. Porto vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

Unlike the aforementioned Swiss, Portuguese teams have by and large failed to impress Noob on the world stage in recent months.  On paper, at home, they’re an even match for Liverpool.   Noob thinks this match will mirror the one above though.

RESULT:   Liverpool   0-5      FC Porto-potty.  Wow.

  1. Santos vs. León – Liga MX

Noob’s leaning toward León of late, for having signed American legend Landon Donovan midyear.  But apparently the move isn’t helping much on defense.  They may be in 6th, but teams are putting up pinball-numbers on them.  Santos is in 4th, and should hold serve at home.

RESULT:   Santos   5-1

Image result for Landon Donovan Leon

 

 

Es ella la domadora de leones?

  1. Independiente vs. Grêmio – Recopa Sudamericana

Wait, Noober – we know about Copa Sudamericana, but what in tarnation is this?

A fair question.  But don’t you think “Noober” is a little informal?  I am Noob!

The Management:   To whom are you even “talking”?

Write checks and stay quiet.  I’m the talent here.

The Management:  Using that term a little loosely, aren’t you, Noobstra-dumbass?

That hurts me to my core.   Hush now.

Anyway!   Last year’s Copa Libertadores and Copa Sudamericana champions play a two-legged tie for a trophy.  Why?   Because they’re shiny, and soccer players are like squirrels.  *nod*  The Argentinian side hosts Leg One.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Kashima Antlers vs. Shanghai Shenhua – AFC Champions League

Asian teams are playing their first games of the Group Stage in their C.L.

Kashima are the two-time defending J1 League champions.  Shenhua qualified by virtue of winning China’s FA Cup.  They really overachieved in that, given that they only managed to finish 11th of 16 teams in the Super League.  The Antlers are about to mess up their s—stuff.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for japan mess you up funny

 

 

NO clue.

But now MY stuff is certainly messed up.

  1. Shkëndia vs. Vardar Skopje – Macedonia First Football League

UEFA only rates this league #37 of 55 leagues on the continent.  So why bother?  It’s #1 versus #B!   Noob endeavors to never ignore such.  And though we be Noob and Noobite, we will broaden our footyball horizons even as we learn about the biggest and closest-to-home leagues.

These two have scored more than any other four teams in this league.  And the hosts are responsible for far more than their fair share of that.  Still, they only lead Vardar by six points in the table, with over 1/3 of the season to go.  And the visitors have the best defense, if not by leaps and bounds.

RESULT:   1-1

Honorable Mention:    Either of the two Copa Libertadores qualification matches today

Thursday, 2/15

  1. Östersunds vs. Arsenal – Europa League

Europe’s second-most prestigious international tournament enters its Round of 32 now.  The eight third-place Group Stage clubs from Champions League get booted down to join the two dozen 1st and Bth (second, if you must) -place finishers in the Knockout Round.

Swedish Ostersunds qualified by winning their FA Cup, just as Arsenal did.  English football is a weeee bit tougher.  Arsenal 1-3 seems proper, unless they don’t go full-bore here, try saving their energies for Premier League.

RESULT:   Arsenal   0-3

Dan the Intern-o Inferno and resident Swede-ophile, when asked for comment on this match, said he fervently hopes chicken boom boom will be available at the concessions.

Honorable Mention:   Any of the 14 other Europa League matches, Copa Libertadores qualification and Copa Sudamericana matches, Esperance/Etoile du Sahel (Tunisia)

’10 to Track’ soccer games for weekend! 2/3-4: post-Deadline Premier League leads the way

“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”  Globetrotting Friday was sweet.  But now we can get downright bacchanalian on the weekend’s ten most worthwhile matches for us, the newish American fans!

Tip of the day:  Check back to any previous T2T to see the post-match results.

Saturday, 2/3

  1. Arsenal vs. Everton – English Premier League

Noob normally avoids getting in the weeds on specific players.  We are Noob and Noobite, and our focus for newish American fans like us here is teams and leagues.  But —

Trade/Transfer Deadline Day just passed in England, and #6 Arsenal made two big moves.  They picked up offensive superstar Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang from Borussia Dortmund for a massive pile of money.  Noob gathers there was also some question as to whether they would hold onto star Mesut Ōzil.  They did.

6th place is only good for maybe qualifying for Europa League.  They’ve fallen six points behind Noob-reviled Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur for 5th, a slot which would guarantee them that berth.  They’re eight points out of 4th place and a Champions League invite.  Will their new acquisition be enough to get them over the hump?  They should at least be able to keep 9th-place Everton’s weak offense muffled.

RESULT:   Arsenal   5-1

OTOH, some of us don’t want to get over the hump…

B.  Monterrey vs. Leon – Liga MX

In the Apertura half of the 2017-18 season, these two finished #B and #7 respectively.  A few games into the Clausura, they’re in 1st and 8th.  The more things change, the more they stay the same.

RESULT:   Monterrey   5-1

Image result for hip hop letter B

 

 

Old school!   Graffiti font Number B.

  1. FC Porto vs. Braga – Primeira Liga

Portugal’s top league has slipped just enough in the FIFA rankings that they lost a Champions League berth, so now only get two teams in.

Porto is #B right now, but have played one less game than 1st-place Sporting and only trail them by a point.  Defending league champ Benfica are hot on their heels, just two points back.  4th place-Braga will remain such to the end, Europa-bound.

Honorable mention today:  Borussia M’Gladbach vs. RB Leipzig, Sampdoria vs. Torino, Eibar vs. Sevilla, Benfica vs. Rio Ave

RESULT:   Porto   3-1

Sunday, 2/4

  1. Liverpool vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier League

First Liverpool traded their offensive superstar.  Now at the Deadline they’ve been woefully outbid by a bottom-rung team (West Brom) for their own star defender.

Liverpool is tied in the table for 3rd/4th with Chelsea, and the traitorously-named Hotspur club just two points behind them.  Since it’s the top four that get into Champions League, it may not be unfair to say this is the most interesting and perhaps important match of the year so far.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for cross Fat Conductor

 

 

Would you be less cross with Noob if I paid compliment on your pocket square?

  1. UNAM Pumas vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

UNAM finished last in the Apertura, but look at the Pumas now!  Sure, it’s just four games into the Clausura, but tied for 1st is shiny just the same.  Los Tigres finished 2nd, but are in 6th now, have had a tough defensive start to the second half.

RESULT:   UNAM   2-0

  1. AS Monaco vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

Monaco is in 4th, on the outside looking in for a Champions League berth.  But they’re only a single point behind #B’s Lyon and Marseille.

Lyon just lost 3-1 to Bordeaux, a missed opportunity to create some space for themselves.  But they beat Monaco 2-3 in the Coupe de France just over a week ago.  Noobstradamus knows the limits of his prognosticating power, is staying clear of all this madness.

RESULT:   Monaco   3-2

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

Wouldn’t touch this one with a 10-meter baguette.

  1. Atlético Madrid vs. Valencia – La Liga

Atlético is #B and has enough points to feel safe in their Champions League quest, as the top four Spanish clubs get invited.

Valencia is in 3rd, and it’s a good bet that defending league champ Real Madrid will right their ship soon and pass them.  Can Valencia stay clear of Villareal would be the real question.

RESULT:   Atletico   1-0

  1. Club Brugge vs. Sporting Charleroi – Belgium First Division A

The top six teams here make the league championship playoffs.  Club Brugge have all but won the league already.  Will Charleroi be able to hang on to #B and the other bye in the playoffs?  Anderlecht trail them by just a point in the table.

RESULT:   3-3

Image result for hang on funny

 

This is so close to feeling relevant.

And yet so far…

  1. Macabbi Tel Aviv vs. Hapoel Be’er Sheva – Israeli Premier

Same deal in Israel as in Belgium – top six make the league playoffs.  #B hosts league #1.  Can Tel Aviv hold off Beitar Jerusalem for a bye?   They are about identical to Be’er Sheva in record and stats, so should hold serve today at least.

RESULT:   Tel Aviv   1-0

  1. San Lorenzo vs. Boca Juniors – Superliga Argentina

We finish strong, Noobites!  Three in a row where a #B faces off against  numero uno.   They’re not much more than a dozen games into the season there, but Juniors are already starting to get some distance from the field, and their goal differential proves it can last.  Unstoppable offense.

RESULT:   1-1

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Grabber-armed t-rex returns!

 

 

 

 

Honorable Mention matches:   Augsburg vs. Eintracht Frankfurt, Udinese vs. AC Milan, Olympiacos vs. AEK Athens, Plateau United vs. Sunshine Stars

’10 to Track’ for Friday, 1/12 — from Liga MX to…Myanmar??

TGIGF!    Noob always endeavors to Track with Noobites the ten most important soccer games from around the world.  On Fridays, our perspective – that of the newish American soccer fan – has to be broadened.

The “big” leagues are gearing up for their weekend slates.  But we never rest!  We start with locales more known, but then whisk away to all parts of the planet.  Come, it’s a footyball adventure.

  1. Bayer Leverkusen vs. Bayern Munich – Bundesliga

How dominant is Munich?   4th-place Leverkusen haven’t lost since September 20 and yet trail the league leaders by 13 points in the table.

This match is still really important despite Munich’s unstoppability.   Four teams get berths into the next Champions League, and Leverkusen is actually tied with two other teams for that last one.

RESULT:   Munich   1-3

Image result for unstoppable funny

 

 

But could Bayern contend with T-Rex with attached grabber-arms?

B.  Tijuana vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

Neither of these two made the league postseason Liguilla for the Apertura (first half).  They’ll both be looking to capitalize on not starting off the Clausura against a league powerhouse.   Based on recent results, this should be perhaps the closest Tracked match of the day.

RESULT:   Tijuana   1-0

Image result for get out number two funny

 

You creep Noob out, Number Two.   

Bring on Number B.

  1. Sheffield United vs. Sheffield Wednesday – EFL Championship

Noob’s been referring to this as the “English Championship League”, but this seems to be more correct for the second-tier league there.

7th vs. 16th might not always catch Noob’s wandering football eye, but intracity rivalries always have a certain cache.  Plus, 3rd through 6th place play off at season’s end to determine a team that gets promoted to Premier.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Real Oviedo vs. Rayo Vallecano – Segunda B

In Spain’s second division, we get two teams that are vying to be promoted.  Just like in EFL Championship, the top two automatically move up, and the next four determine one more with a playoff.  These two are in 3rd and 5th respectively.

Fun Fact:  The city of Oviedo was featured in the Woody Allen movie “Vicki Cristina Barcelona”.

RESULT:   2-2      had the home and away sides turned around

Image result for cassandra's dream

 

Noob may stand alone, but Woody Allen’s worst received movie – “Cassandra’s Dream” – was his best.

  1. Fortuna Sittard vs. Jong Ajax – Eerste Divisie

Only one club in the Netherlands’ second division gets promoted to top-flight Eredivisie, and right now that’s Sittard.  By a point.  Ajax’s reserve squad is in 3rd, ineligible for promotion.

RESULT:   Sittard   2-1

  1. Al-Wasl vs. Al-Ain – Arabian Gulf League

Why U.A.E.?  One of the best leagues in the region.  And these two are tied for 1st place.

In addition to getting the best seeding of all teams entering the next AFC Champions League from this country, the winner will also make the next Club World Cup as the nation-host representative.

RESULT:   Al-Ain   1-3

Image result for uae funny

 

 

Why else U.A.E.?

  1. Al Ahed vs. Al Shabab Al Arabi – Lebanon Premier

Al Ahed only lead Al Nejmeh by a single point in the table for 1st place.  The defending champs should have little trouble against second-to-last place Shabab.

RESULT:   Al Ahed   1-0

  1. Senglea Athletic vs. Lija Athletic – Maltese Premier

These two were promoted from the second division last year.  Lija’s going right back down.  They get outscored by nearly a 3:1 pace.  Senglea’s only a few spots up the table, but clear of the Relegation Zone at least.

RESULT:   Senglea   2-0

Image result for you suck funny

  1. Zwekapin United vs. Shan United – Myanmar National League

Welcome to the Track, Myanmar!

The season is just getting going here.  Shan Utd. are the defending champions, while Zwekapin finished 8th last year.

Fun Fact:  Though it developed in Sri Lanka, the majority of Kayin State’s (where Zweakpin is) people are Theravada Buddhists.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Al Ahli vs. Al Gharafa – Qatar Stars League

8th place hosts 6th here.

Fun Fact:  Al Ahli is one of eight teams from Doha, Qatar.  They only share their stadium, though, with one other top-flight team (Al-Sailiya).

RESULT:   Al Gharafa   1-2

Image result for camel racing qatar

 

Qatari camel racing at Al Shahniya.

Is making them try and beat cars fair?  Dammit, PETA!

’10 to Track’ for midweek 1/2-4 – Premier League meets Thomas the Tank Engine-edition

The ten most important soccer matches of the midweek, they await us, Noobites!  We get a spicy mix of league and Cup matches, a Premier League team gets a new name, I scare my volunteer with a thinly-veiled maiming threat, and so much more..

NEW FEATURE:  Staff seer Noobstradamus – who may or may not be merely an alter ego of Noob’s – is challenging The Management and Dan-o “the Interno Inferno” to a contest of prognostication.

We’ll all pick winners and losers for all games except Monday’s.  We won’t pick draws, because Amuricuh!   One point is earned for getting a game right, two for picking a big underdog to win in games I’ll designate with a “u”.

Monday, 1/2

  1. Manchester City vs. Watford (u) – English Premier League

The City train just keeps rolling, seemingly unstoppable.   Noob’s Tracking them because there’s talk about this being a Greatest Ever-sort of team.  And they won’t be sleeping on 10th-place Watford, since they don’t have another League match for two weeks.

RESULT:   Man City   3-1

Image result for watford fc crest

 

Watford, your crest still looks like an upside-down PSA for reminding people to use a licensed doctor for vaginoplasty.

B.  Napoli vs. Atalanta (u) – Coppa Italia

Number B.!  Italy’s FA Cup has reached its Quarterfinals.

League #1 Napoli plays host.   They’ve won four matches in a row.  #9 Atalanta has been rolling for a while, but got ambushed at home by lowly Cagliari in their last match.  The winner will get league #2 Juventus in all likelihood.

RESULYT:   Atalanta   1-2    Noobstradamus succcess!  Not that, you know, I’m surprised or anything  *cough*

Image result for noobstradamus

 

Napoli is in a dogfight for the league lead.  They will let their focus slip today.  Atalanta shall win.  Noobstradamus has bespoken!

Bespake.  Bespeaked?    Blaargh.

 

  1. Iraq vs. U.A.E. – Arabian Gulf Cup

Reminder:  Seven Gulf area teams, plus Yemen.  These two both rate in the 70’s in FIFA rankings, should be the higher-quality of the Semifinals.

Iraq looks like the class of the field.  U.A.E. somehow finished 2nd in their Group scoring only one goal in the three games.  (They gave up none.)  The winner likely gets Oman in the Final.

RESULT:   U.A.E.   0-0  /  2-4  pk      The Emirates’ shutout streak continues.  On to the Final to face Oman.

Tuesday, 1/3

  1. Arsenal vs. Chelsea – English Premier League

This should be the match of the midweek!  Neither club has lost since early last month.

Chelsea is in 3rd.  Arsenal stands at 5th place, a guaranteed 2018 Europa League slot.  They’re well behind 4th-place Liverpool, but could use some space against hated rival and all-around scorned 6th-place Tottenham.

New Year’s resolution!   Noob will now regularly refer to accursed, named-for-a-traitor Tottenham more regularly as “Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur”.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for sir topham hatt thomas the tank engine

 

He’s a much more palatable figure than dastardly Henry “Hotspur” Percy.

 

 

Hello, Noobites- The Management here.  The Management would like to apologize for Noob’s incessant ranting on this topic.  He’s had his head med upped recently, but the hoped-for effect can take weeks to show up.  Thank you for your time and patience. – The Management.

Hey, The Management.  Noob doesn’t remember signing away his HIPAA privacy rights.  But let’s move on.

  1. Sydney FC vs. Newcastle Jets – Australian A-League

#1 vs. #2!   Noob’s always down for it.   Even if barely more than a dozen games into the league season Sydney is up eight points on Newcastle, who are in turn up seven on 3rd place.

These are the only two finishing positions that are AFC Champions League slots.  Sydney leads the league in scoring and defense.

RESULT:   2-2      Sydney salvages a point with a goal in the 87′

  1. Formentera (u) vs. Alavés – Copa del Rey (Spain FA Cup)

This is the Round of 16.  Unlike with many FA Cups, teams here play two-legged ties (two-match series).

Formentera is our pececillo – Minnow.   They’re a so-so third-tier team that have made it a long way.   Their guests are a poor La Liga team, and they’ve already beaten much better Atletico Bilbao.  Noob’s got a thing for island teams, and Formentera are based in the Balearics.  Gofightwin!

RESULT:   Alavés   1-3

Image result for formentera

 

Someday Noob’s ashes will be scattered in that lagoon.  Heaven.

  1. Juventus vs. Torino (u) – Coppa Italia

This is not the Quarterfinal matchup league 10th-place Torino was hoping for.  They’re defense is pretty suspect, and Juventus are the goal-scoring monster of Serie A.

  1. Benfica vs. Sporting CP – Primeira Liga

Porto leads Portugal’s top league, but Sporting Lisbon is tied with them.  Benfica is close behind in 3rd.  This league only gets to Champions League spots this year.  Torcida importante!

RESULT:   Juve   2-0

        Um, Mr. Noob, sir?   I don’t mean to interrupt.

Yet here you are, doing just that, Dan-o the Intern-o Inferno.

        Are you trying to write “important match” in Portuguese?  

I’m not “trying”.  I did.

        Er, that’s actually “important candle-wick”.

I once took a man’s eyeball out with a mellonballer.

        Right.  Carry on!

  1. Apollon Limassol vs. AEK Limassol – Cypriot First Division

The battle for Cyprus’ second-largest city is ON.  Intracity rivalries reign supreme for Noob!

3rd hosts 5th place here.  The top six will have a postseason tournament for the league title and Champions League berth.   Apollon are the best team in the league and are undefeated.  They’ve played three fewer league games than the others because of their international competition play.

RESULT:   1-1

Wednesday, 1/4

  1. Tottenham   Sir Topham Hatt Hotpsur vs. West Ham United (u) – English Premier League

Sir Topham Hatt is in 6th place.   Feels good to use the new moniker in a sentence.  Not that Noob’s bile and vitriol for the Traitorous Ones will ever diminish!   But it is nicer.

West Ham suck out loud and need to knock that crap off, get the big upset here.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for misplaced anger funny

Prognistication Challenge

Noobstradamus:   Man City, Atalanta, Iraq, Arsenal, Sydney,  Formentera, Juventus, Benfica, Apollon, West Ham

The Management:   Watford, Atalanta, Iraq, Chelsea, Newcastle, Alavés, Torino, Benfica, AEK Limassol, West Ham

Dan the Interno Inferno:   Man City, Atalanta, I-Rock (the name is sheer bravado), Arsenal, Alaves, Sydney (“the thunder from down under”)*, Apollon, Torino, Benfica,  “I -Tottenham- some good learnins’ so they’d better score some of them goals -Hotspur-“.

*Noob points out the intern unintentional comedy:   1)  “thunder from down under” could, of course, refer to either or any Australian team, and B) would be less likely to refer to Sydney FC since they are nicknamed the “Sky Blues”.   🙂   (Now watch him win.)

’10 to Track’ for wknd 12/30-31 – a double dose of Premier League

The weekend – when 10 to Track gets serious on the league action.  The most important matches of the weekend await us, newish American soccer fans!  Let’s finish 2017 strong, and even with a nostalgia-link at the end.

Saturday, 12/30

  1. Liverpool vs. Leicester City – English Premier League

The EPL sends four teams to Champions League next season.  The two Manchester clubs and Chelsea are going to be there.  The most serious question regards that fourth slot.  Liverpool hold it now, but Burnley and accursed Tottenham are breathing down their necks.

Leicester, meanwhile, sits in 8th.  And a they’re a far cry from 7th, the lowest position in the table that might get a Europa League berth.  They haven’t won in their last three league matches.  The home draw against Man Utd. was solid enough, but the preceding loss to Crystal Palace was putrid.

RESULT:   Liverpool   2-1     They remain in 4th and 8th.  Liverpool gets some breathing room from Tottenham though.

B.  Bristol City vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers – English Championship League

Since scouting this game a few days ago, Bristol have moved up from 4th into a tie for 2nd.  Since Wolverhampton are dominantly in 1st place, we’re treated to the sweetest of matchups!

The top two from ECL are automatically promoted to Premier League at season’s end.  Wolverhampton’s built themselves a nice cushion in the table.  They score more and give up fewer goals than all other league teams.  Meanwhile, Bristol’s in a dogfight for that second slot.

RESULT:   Wolverhampton   1-2

Image result for wolverhampton funny

 

 

Hold on, is Billy Zane at least still doing the Georgia Gold commercials?

  1. Inter Milan vs. Lazio – Serie A

Things are tight at the top of this league’s standings.  Lazio still holds the top spot, having lost only once all season.

3rd-place Inter’s lost their last two league matches, plus their Coppa match to AC Milan.  If “the Big Grass Snake” want to stay in the top four and qualify for Champions League next year, they’ve got to start finding the back of the net again.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Celtic vs. Rangers – Scottish Premiership

Celtic are doing Celtic things again this year.  Score the most, give up the fewest goals.  One loss.  Eight-point lead in the table.  Even with the second-best offense in the league, this may not be close for 3rd-place Rangers.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for celtic women funny

 

I re-watched your entire series two years ago!  Doesn’t that earn Noob some pants-leeway?

  1. Motagua vs. Real España – Honduras National League

The Apertura Final!   Real topped Motagua 2-0 in the first leg of this postseason championship tournament.  These teams were 2nd and 4th in the league regular season, but nearly identical statistically.  Two goals are a big deficit to overcome in this setting, even at home.

RESULT:   2-1  (aet)    But Real España is the champion!  After 90 minutes, it was Motagua 2-0.  Since that only tied the score on aggregate, they played extra time, where Real scored the only goal.

  1. Caldas vs. Académica – Portugal FA Cup

This is the last match in the Round of 16 for the Taça de Liga.  And we get treated to a Minnow Watch!

Caldas is a middling team from third-tier Campeonato de Portugal.   They’re matched up against a very successful second-tier side in Académica.  Should Caldas win, a Campeonato team will be guaranteed to make the Semifinals.  Fellow league side Farense will get the winner of this match in the Quarters.

RESULT:   Caldas   1-1  /  4-2  pk

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All those tiny little castles.  Looks like a Lego set.

  1. Feirense vs. Oliveirense – Portugal League Cup

This is not the same event as above.  This, the Taça de Liga, only includes teams from the top two leagues in the nation.  Only the top team from each Group of four in this event will advance.

LigaPro (second-tier) Oliveirense are tied for 1st  in their Group, but they hold the goal differential-tiebreaker.  Win and they’re probably in the Semis.   Stunning, given that they’re having an awful year in their league.   The Primera hosts here need to win big and get some help from another match result.

RESULT:   2-2    And so Oliveirense advance!

Image result for you need help funny

  1. Al Ahly vs. Atletico Madrid – international friendly

Egyptian and Spanish giants face off in a charity match, with the proceeds going to the families of Egyptians killed by terrorist acts.  It’s hard to imagine either team using starters for very long, but “peace against terrorism” as a theme makes this a worthwhile Track for Noob.

RESULT:   Ateltico   2-3

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…for the cause of peace against terrorism.

 

 

Sunday, 12/31

  1. West Bromwich Albion vs. Arsenal – English Premier League

Arsenal is all the way up to a tie for 5th after a poor start to the season, haven’t lost since 12/2.  But only the top four will get into next season’s Champions League.

West Brom have as few losses as 10th-place Watford, yet are in 19th.  Soooo many draws.  They have trouble scoring, but hosting makes this intriguing.  Arsenal don’t play nearly the defense as other clubs near the top of the table.

RESULT:   1-1  

  1. Grenades vs. Parham – Antigua and Barbuda Premier

3rd hosts 2nd place in a paradise.  Here’s what you need to know about Parham FC.  Ah, sweet revisiting of a classic D-Twosday Interview.

RESULT:   Parham   0-1

http://www.soccernoob.com/2017/11/07/d-two-sday-interview-judge-margo-k-brodie-nasl-ruling/