Championship Archives

Isle of Sodor Premier League – final matchday results (38) – the champs get formally crowned, last minute Relegation mayhem

Fin. Europe’s newest Premier League has completed its inaugural season. Isle of Sodor aren’t in FIFA. No clubs here qualify for anything internationally. No giant piles of money are awarded. Blessedly, it’s just been high-scoring, fun footy.

Image result for train trophy Keep watching this space in the coming weeks. While Noob’s site audience has been limited in reach, the Sudric FA seems content with growing their international exposure at whatever pace comes naturally. So I have been given the option to continue exclusive coverage, which would continue with the summer’s second annual IoS FA Cup. Or Noob may just continue living here, but work on unrelated novel and screenwriting projects already underway. Time will tell.

Here are the Matchday 38 results. And here’s your weekly smexy Table link.

Sunday, 5/26 – 1:00 PM UTC
#1 Dryaw 4 vs. 5 #11 Marron
#14 Castle Rolf 5 vs. 3 #6 Crovan’s Gate
#12 Lakeside 6 vs. 8 #18 Ulfstead
#19 Tidmouth City 9 vs. 1 #8 Wellsworth
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. 2 vs. 8 #7 East Coast Diesel

Sun., 5/25 – 4:00 PM UTC
#13 Vicarstown 3 vs. 3 #15 Brendam Harbor
#5 Junction & Sheds 1 vs. 0 #16 Ffarquhar
T9 Suddery 3 vs. 2 #17 Brendam Utd.
#4 Kirk Ronan 4 vs. 5 #3 Knapford Town
T9 Glennock 5 vs. 5 #2 Peel Godred

Matchday 38 in Highlights

* Relegation madness til the bitter end! Ulfstead won the shootiest shootout of the day, 6-8 at Lakeside. Coupled with Brendam United's 2-3 loss at Suddery, this means U.F.C. climb over B-Utd, sending the latter into 18th and down into next season's Championship.

* With their sixth straight win, Marron secure the last top-half finish, clawing their way over Glennock.

* The season finishes with ties at both 2nd and 4th place. (no goal differential or other tiebreakers in Sudric soccer)

* One more special highlight for champions Dryaw F.C. at the bottom of this final 2018-19 IoS PL post

Feature Match recap: Ulfstead win match, earn Relegation reprieve

Image result for Norramby crest Gotta call this one like it was. Ulfstead‘s 6-8 win over Lakeside looked closer than it really was. Lakeside had a three-match win streak on their side, but Ulfstead had motivation — trying to make the Premier League for 2019-20.

Image result for Lakeside FC crest They also had revenge on their minds, having lost at home by an embarrassing 0-8 margin in the season’s first matchup with “The Quarrysiders“. This one was 0-4 at the half, and went to 1-7 by 70′. Lakeside‘s reserves got some goals against Ulfstead‘s bench late, made the margin respectable.

Coming into this final Matchday, U.F.C. trailed Brendam United by a point for 17th place. Bottom three of the PL‘s 20 get Relegated to the Championship, so one might’ve thought they’d be tight at the outset. But no, everyone was loose. And Noob means everyone. Seven starters scored for Ulfstead!

Ulfstead played one of the early matches, so their survival would depend on the late Suddery–Brendam Utd. match result. Lakeside A.F.C. officials were wonderful sports, extending an invite for everyone to stay and listen to that match’s radio broadcast over the grounds sound system. Players and fans from both clubs intermingled throughout the stands . The concessions folks stayed late. Lakeside folks congratulated U.F.C. on getting above the cutline as Suddery won the dramatic 3-2 barnburner.

Image result for Isle of Sodor flag

THAT is the heart of football on Sodor. Noob can think of no finer note on which to end… except one. 🙂

Congratulations one last time to 2018-19 IoS PL champions Dryaw F.C.! Don’t ask Noob from how it was acquired, but in return for getting to be Sodor FA’s exclusive coverage home, I gifted them what they used for the classiest championship trophy ever.

Image result for BET Soul Train Award trophy

You’re darn tootin’ (pun intended) that’s a BET Soul Train Awards trophy.

Thanks for reading, Noobites.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 38 preview – the end of 2018-19; though a champion is crowned, so much at stake

Matchday 38. The bittersweet end to the Isle of Sodor’s first-ever Premier League season. The country’s FA-era seems to have gotten off to a bright start.

Image result for train trophy Noob hopes you’ve enjoyed the exclusive coverage found here. Nothing is finalized, but I hope to continue the coverage into the summer’s FA Cup and then beyond into 2019-20 PL season number two. (After all, I did up and move here permanently this spring!)

Oh! And next week we visit the IoS Champions League. It’s nearly time for their Promotion Playoffs!

Here’s the weekend’s full slate. Teams bolded in blue are still in contention for a top-10 finish. Those in red are still trying to avoid the last Relegation slot (18th). Those in purple are still vying for a final top-four position. (Not that it qualifies them for anything, but it has a certain cachet.)

Sun., 5/25 – 1:00 PM UTC
#1 Dryaw vs. #11 Marron
#14 Castle Rolf vs. #6 Crovan’s Gate
#12 Lakeside vs. #18 Ulfstead
#19 Tidmouth City vs. #8 Wellsworth
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. vs. #7 East Coast Diesel

Sun., 5/25 – 4:00 PM, UTC
#13 Vicarstown vs. #15 Brendam Harbor
#5 Junction & Sheds vs. #16 Ffarquhar
T9 Suddery vs. #17 Brendam Utd.
#4 Kirk Ronan vs. #3 Knapford Town
T9 Glennock vs. #2 Peel Godred

Feature Match: #12 Lakeside vs. #18 Ulfstead

Image result for Lakeside FC crest

Hello from Lakeside, Sodor! Was it tempting for Noob to remain in village Dryaw after they clinched the Title last week? Of course. But with the trophy decided, it was time to visit, introduce Noobites to a location new to us.

Lakeside A.F.C. could still finish in a tie for 9th or 10th place. #18 Ulfstead visits, a point out of Relegation safety. More on the match in a bit.

Image result for Sodor map Lakeside is the biggest village in its area in NE-central Sodor. That’s not saying a ton, population-wise. Still, the club there have been slated for Premier League inclusion since the FA first started planning. Most picked them to finish around 16th.

They’ve been able to surpass expectations by not having any other PL competition anywhere close by. The nearby villages of Rheneas and Skarloey have their own Championship-level clubs, but the best around there play for “L.A.F.C.” now.

Image result for blue drawbridge

Village Lakeside has a beautiful blue drawbridge, or bascule bridge at the lake port. The local train line loops the lake and is quite scenic from the high-ledge side. But the bit of local tourism is not the central to the economy there, nor is the lake fishing.

Lakeside’s primary trade comes from its shale quarry. Near to Lakeside proper is Lakeside Junction, a place where several narrow rails come together for shipping it out. Enough residential and business building has developed there that it’s almost its own small village. All but the youngest locals still call the area by its original name though — the odd “Quarry Siding”. And so this is where L.A.F.C. gets it’s unique nickname – the Quarrysiders.

Image result for quarrymen And how have they fared of late? Four wins straight! They’ve finally found their offensive stride in recent matches after a long, slowish start. In fact, two matches ago they walloped Ulfstead on the road 0-8. The last team to defeat them were newly-crowned PL champions Dryaw FC.

Image result for Norramby crest Lakeside trail the teams ahead of them by two and three points. Ulfstead only trail the team ahead of them – Brendam United – by one. This is the more important position. They have to make up that point to avoid a bottom-three finish and getting Relegated to the Championship for next season.

U.F.C. got a nifty win over then-#6 East Coast Diesel 5-2 on Wednesday. That broke a three-loss skid and proved they could still find the back of the net. That had been all but an impossible challenge of late.

Noob’s call: Lakeside may be the more talented team and have a bit more momentum on their side. But Wednesday, Ulfstead proved they’re serious about trying to stay up. Beating a rugged, aggressive, defensive side in E.C.D. is no small feat for any group. Ulfstead will earn a point, creating a possible Relegation Playoff scenario with Brendam Utd. 3-3 today.

15 hospitalized as Championship club’s supporters turn on their own for singing “Wonderwall”

May 1, 2019 – Ballahoo, Sodor

This season, MLS’ Minnesota United fans have adopted Oasis’ “Wonderwall” as their victory song of choice after matches won. [Here’s the sportbible.com article ].

Image result for brawl amateur soccer match fans While that may be working in Loon-land, things went catastrophically awry Tuesday night when some supporters of the Isle of Sodor’s Championship club Ballahoo A.F.C. tried singing it. 15 people ended up being treated after the ensuing brawl in the stands, with three still in intensive care at Vicarstown Memorial Hospital.

Image result for BFC soccer amateur crest So what happened? After Ballahoo’s 4-2 win over Cross-ny-Cuirn FC, some home supporters started singing “Wonderwall”. A few catcalls aside, the crooners continued unimpeded until the beginning the chorus.

Image result for woman on news for fighting Sheela Boyd, president of the creatively-named Ballahoo Supporters, had this to say after hiding her brass knuckles: “Many of us thought it was a joke and they’d stop. But we no more than heard, ‘Because maybeeeeeeey,’ and knew they were for real and that chorus had to be stopped.”

The offending fans were set upon by thrice as many others within seconds. Beers were dumped on the offending culprits as they were punched, kicked, and carried to the back of the small stands. There, they were each dropped about seven feet.

Noob spoke with Ballahoo A.F.C. club prez Martyn Stevenson by phone, who had this to remark:

"Ballahoo, like so much of east-central Sodor, have seen a lot of Mancunian's move here in recent years, despite historically only being a dormitory town.  The supporters who were attacked are believed to be mostly or entirely comprised of Manchester transplants.

We welcome them.   But they should've left their Oasis fanboyishness back in the Kingdom.  Look, we understand the band is considered iconic there.   The instrumentation is superb.   The production choices they made for studio albums were concrete and admirable.   But Liam Gallgher's singing is unbearable to anyone with an ear.

Ethel Merman.  Stevie Nicks.   Both Brooks and Dunn.  Liam Gallagher.  There's your top four list of most awful, nasally singers the Lord God saw fit to create.   We will never know why, as His ways are higher than ours."

Isle of Sodor FA Preident Abban Clague announced the FA’s swift punitive decision of Ballahoo FC:

Image result for Liam Gallagher tambourine “Ballahoo FC will be docked one point in the table. Dumping beer on anyone is wasteful, alcohol abuse. Liam Gallagher’s singing is terrible and his tambourine-playing is marginal at best.”

Clague then dropped the mic, though whether by intention or accident is unconfirmed.

Isle of Sodor team lands first sponsor – Championship club’s U10’s love them their Motorhead

Congrats to Isle of Sodor Championship’s Maithwaite FC! They’re the first team to ever receive celebrity sponsorship or support. Sort of.

Image result for busted whistle It’s actually their U10’s — who’ve gone by “Wonky Whistles Youth FC” — that got the goods. Their jerseys were pathetic, but their coach used some straaaaange inspiration to improve things for the little kickers.

See, Wonky Whistles coach Brile Nickels Jr. is a big Duran Duran fan. And he recently learned the band was asked by newly re-formed Hungarian sixth-tier club Budapesti AK if they could use “My Own Way” as a theme song. The band said yes, asked for some swag in return and were obliged! Nickels was inspired to flip that script and try making use of his own familial rock ‘n’ roll connection to improve his kids’ kits.

Nickels’ uncle Keithley grew up with famed Motorhead roadie Steve Luna. He invited Luna to vacation to Maithwaite, catch up, huff some glue and such. Nickels knew the uniform shirts the kids’ moms designed were utter crap, lamely depicting actual broken whistles, in addition to the a sponsoring local lab’s business logo (see above). He had Luna see a match, and the old bass tech declared the shirts “absolute gobshite” and immediately set about paying for new ones.

So Luna got the kids these brand spanking new unis.

Image result for Lincolnshire Greenbank Motorhead soccer jerseys

Congrats again, Wonky Whistles. Well, now it’s “Blind Drunks” and “Hell Drivers” to which the kids answer. See, Luna gave them an official song, too. “(We Are) The Road Crew”. Lucky tots!

Another town another place,
Another girl, another face,
Another truce, another race,
I'm eating junk, feeling bad,
Another night, I'm going mad,
My woman's leaving, I feel sad,
But I just love the life I lead,
Another beer is what I need,
Another gig my ears bleed,
We are the road crew
Another town I've left behind,
Another drink completely blind,
Another hotel I can't find,
Another backstage pass for you,
Another tube of super glue,
Another border to get through,
I'm driving like a maniac,
Driving my way to hell and back,
Another room a case to pack,
We are the road crew
Another hotel we can burn,
Another screw, another turn,
Another Europe map to learn,
Another truck stop on the way,
Another game I learn to play,
Another word I learn to say,
Another bloody customs post,
Another fucking foreign coast,
Another set of scars to boast,
We are the road crew

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 30 (3/23-24) – On Sat., #3 tries to stay in the race; Ffarquhar tries to stay up

Matchday 30 (Sat., 3/23) Preview (Sunday preview to follow tomorrow)

#20 Arlesburgh Utd. vs. #5 Kirk Ronan
#19 Tidmouth City vs. T7 Junction & Sheds
#16 Brendam Utd. vs. #12 Lakeside
#10 Suddery vs. #9 Glennock

Plus the Saturday Feature Match: #3 Peel Godred hosts #17 Ffarquhar

Deja vu all over again! They played two weeks ago and face off again today. Ffarquhar took the W at home, 5-3. But this week we get to learn a little more about a new host town.

Image result for PGFC crest Welcome to “Peel”, at is referred more often than not, locally. The small town lies in the north central part of Sodor. It’s more or less the northern terminus for the train system that’s been fictionalized in the “Thomas” stuff.

It’s not a town of particular note, though truly a town in Sudric terms, as opposed to a village. Aluminum factory. Small lake nearby. But there are lots of villages close at hand, and the folks there have chosen to feed their best players into PGFC, instead of fielding their own, smaller possible Championship clubs.

Peel sit just four points behind league-leading Dryaw FC. While not defensive aggressively (almost no club on Sodor is), Peel are an interesting case. They tend to not throw everyone forward, all the time, like so many here do. Instead, they actually play formations more common in soccer the world over, especially preferring the 5-2-2-1, then trying to score on counters.

The last month, they’re 2-1-1. Staying afloat is fine, but they can’t afford to drop any points hosting a team fighting the Relegation riptide, not at home, not if they are going to win the league.

Image result for FFFC football crest Last week’s victory over PG, coupled with Ulfstead‘s matchday 29 loss, put the Double F back above the Relegation line by a point. It was their first win in a month, a stretch that included a loss to Ulfstead. Since Ulfstead faces their own stern road test today (at Wellsworth), it wouldn’t be surprising to see this turn into a defensive affair. A draw should be enough to keep FF out of the Drop Zone for at least one more week.

Noob calls it: 4-3 Peel Godred If Ffarquhar don’t play there usual game (slightly more offensively-oriented than average), PG will win. They’re a team that takes advantage of others’ mistakes and FF will make some if they stray from their usual style.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 28 (3/2-3) – Title contenders down to three

Matchday 28 (3/2-3) in Review

Sunday Feature Match: ONE team got a road win today…and the magic ride keeps goin’!

And then there were three, realistically. #5 Crovan’s Gate‘s loss leaves then ten points behind the league leaders. And today’s Feature Match result saw #1 Dryaw FC obliterate #4 Kirk Ronan 3-10! At nine points back with just nine matches to go, it’s safe to call the Churchmen cooked.

Winger Christopher Wilbertson was Dryaw‘s star, as he scored a gentleman’s hat trick (a goal and two assists) in each half. After the match, Wilbertson, had this to say to Noob:

"We're neither tall nor fast.   We have to play intelligently.  Our game plan was to go for just those 50-50 balls we had an 80% chance of getting."

Dryaw is famous as a quiet vacation village for intellectuals, particularly authors. Noob knows no one else could’ve spoken or written so…eloquently about the team’s game strategy. (Ok, maybe Ian Darke )

Sounds about right for Wilbertson, who also nearly broke his fool neck trying to recreate the famous “Klinsmann dive”.

Sun., 3/3
#8 Glennock 7 vs. 5 T12 Vicarstown
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. 5 vs. 3 T12 Marron
#15 Lakeside 2 vs. 1 #10 Suddery
#5 Crovan’s Gate 4 vs. 5 #9 Junction & Sheds
#4 Kirk Ronan 3 vs. 10 #1 Dryaw

Continue down for Saturday’s results and feature match recap. Click [here] for the updated league table.

Saturday Feature Match: A change in the Relegation Zone!

Image result for Norramby crest It’s hard to call it a true upset, but Noob predicted a draw. Instead, Ulfstead have climbed above the Cutline with a resounding victory! A 4-4 halftime score was inline with expectations, but Ffarquhar looked fatigued again just minutes into the second half.

Image result for FFFC football crest So, Ffarquhar drop to 18th, two points behind today’s victors. Ulfstead is up to 17th, next have struggling Brendam United in their sights in the table.

On the table’s top, Peel Godred eked out a low-scoring win, but that’s good enough to climb back into 2nd place! How? Because #2 Knapford Town went to Castle Rolf and got busted in the mouth. Peel now sit just a point behind Dryaw, who have their hands full tomorrow as they visit #4 Kirk Ronan.

Here are the day’s full results. The Page with the Table will be updated following tomorrow’s matches.

Sat., 3/2
#3 Peel Godred 2 vs. 0 #16 Brendam Utd.
#11 Castle Rolf 13 vs. 6 #2 Knapford Town
#7 Wellsworth 5 vs. 4 #6 E.C.D.
#19 Tidmouth City 6 vs. 1 #14 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ulfstead 8 vs. 4 #17 Ffarquhar

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 28 (Sat., 3/2) preview – Who stays up, who goes down

Sat., 3/2
#3 Peel Godred vs. #16 Brendam Utd.
#11 Castle Rolf vs. #2 Knapford Town
#7 Wellsworth vs. #6 E.C.D.
#19 Tidmouth City vs. #14 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ulfstead vs. #17 Ffarquhar

Saturday Feature Match: A drop zone battle royal!

Wellsworth – E.C.D. has the best chance today to be a truly quality match. But the title race is really down to five teams now, and these two are on the outside looking in. So, today’s most important match is about Premier League survival.

Image result for Norramby crest Hello from Ulfstead! Here, just a month ago the local team’s Relegation fate appeared sealed. But three wins against just one loss in February has them just out of safety, a point behind their closest geographic rivals today.

All season, their issue has been consistency, They can score and defend well enough, but rarely managed both in the same match all winter. Other than giving up a whopping 14 goals in their road loss to Marron, they’ve played better all-around ball of late.

A note about Ulfstead F.C. “Earls” – Ulfstead is the town name here in west-central Sodor. It is the home of the Isle’s Earls (the royal family), the Norramby’s. But Norramby the town is on the east central coast. They have their own team in the second-tier Championship (and are doing quite well!.

Image result for FFFC football crest The road team today only had to travel a handful of miles east. It will be a shame if Ffarquhar doesn’t survive the Isle’s first-ever Premier season. It’s one of the larger towns on the isle, but only has the one FA club. It’s also the one town people outside the country can name, if any — being the home of Thomas of the fictional children’s tv show.

But this team’s season has followed it’s FA Cup performance from the summer. They play everyone close, but play up and down to the level of their competition. And they far from always finish off matches strong. Still, a 2-1-1 February mark shows they’re learning and has kept them above the Cutline.

Fun Fact: Ffarquhar are known as “the Anophas”, though the S is dropped as often as not. The nearby Ffarquhar Quarry was known as Anopha Quarry, and so that name has been adopted by the club. This, despite not a bloody soul in the town having the slightest clue what “Anopha” referred to or meant originally.

Match Prediction: Noob thinks the battle to stay afloat in the Premier will go right down to the end of the season. The teams will play true their forms of late and have a match of quality play. 4-4 or 5-5.

Arlesburgh United target sacked Leicester FC coach Claude Puel

Arlesburgh, Isle of Sodor – February 26, 2019

Image result for Arlesburgh United crest Before the rumor mill starts swirling over his next job possibilities, Isle of Sodor Premier League club Arlesburgh United are taking their shot at a big target – Claude Puel.

Image result for funny Claude Puel

“I’m a coaching target thihhhs bihhhg.”

Puel was sacked as manager on Feb. 24 by Leicester FC. That same day, 96 year old Arlesburgh United coach Pete Mylchreest his retirement. Coincidence? (Almost certainly. But what the hell.)

So how does a club from somewhere like Sodor go after a manager with a legitimate big league pedigree– Lille, Lyon, Nice, Southampton, Sunderland, Leicester City…Arlesburgh? You point out the pros and let the chips fall where they may. With Noob’s help.

Claude, you’ve never been able to hang onto elite talent anywhere you’ve coached. No problem in Arlesburgh! The Pirates are in last here in the IoS PL’s inaugural season. No talent to be found here, even by Sudric standards.
Arlesburgh are certainly getting demoted to the IoS Championship. A year to get your feet under you in a new country should sound relaxing.
Then you get to be the hero probably getting the Promoted back to Premier! Trust Noob. Village teams like Cabalnoo and others that even devotees of “Thomas the Tank Engine” would be hard-pressed to find on a map won’t present a manager of your stature any problem.
You don’t like to give much to the press. Noob’s the exclusive coverage guy here! And I’ll leave you alone. I’m more of a Sodor east coast kind of fellow. Arlesburgh is too close to the Isle of Mann for me The Manx smell awful and can’t be trusted.

Image result for suspicious looking old people

These Manx children have poisoned lips, I promise. Manx children murder old ladies all the time.

Arlesburgh is the oldest settlement on the Isle. The folk residing here run really old. And the ones who aren’t old dress up as such for matches (supporters group is ‘The Ancients’). At 57 years old, you’ll feel right at home, and they’ll likely find you a breath of fresh air.
Do you really want to get stuck in England’s Championship? You’re not getting another Premier job right away, if ever. Besides, the whole Brexit thing sounds nasty.
Would you really want to return to France? Taking a non-PSG job in that farmer’s league is worse than England’s Championship. Just say no.

But coach in Sodor. You don’t want to wait up to a year and end up with the Philadelphia Union. *shudders*

Think of this as semi-retirement. Mostly retirement, less even “semi-“. Everyone dies somewhere.
There’s a water wheel that’s cool to look at, and it’s bigger than “the world’s biggest” over in Laxey, Isle of Man, whatever they claim. Again, you can’t trust those Manx louts. Not ever.
The public transit is amazing, featuring state-of-the-art talking trains. OK, no talking trains. That’s the silly, fun tv show. But it’s based on the real Isle, and the train system really is quite good.

When reached for a comment, Puel said through his representative: “Where? That’s….unbelievable.” So, um, you’re coming then?

Sodor Championship match postponed after cows let loose in support of Sardinian milk protest

Feburary 9 -Toryreck, Sodor

The Championship League match between Toryreck and Cabalnoo slated for Sunday, Feb. 10 has been postponed until Monday night (6:45 PM local time).

This rescheduling is, of course, contingent upon Farmer Skillicorn being willing to rustle up his rampaging dairy cows. Again.

Skillicorn operates the biggest dairy on the Isle. Whenever there’s a milk protest somewhere in the world, he shows solidarity by letting his massive herd of cows loose on the local village. Players and fans alike stay indoors for safety, praying to whatever god they believe in. So what was the catalyst this time?

Image result for angry dairy farmer

“I’m John Skillicorn, and I approve of this message of bovine terror.”

Over in Italy, Sardinian dairy farmers surrounded Cagliari FC’s training facility today. Most players locked themselves inside. The prevailing thought is the farmers just wanted Cagliari to show their support by boycotting their Sunday match with AC Milan. Milk prices in Italy had plummeted in recent days.

[Click here for the “Sports Illustrated” coverage of the Serie A story.]

Two players participated in kicking over milk barrels. The team’s flight to Milan was delayed, but that match will go on as scheduled tomorrow.

As for Toryreck vs. Cabalnoo — it’s on for Monday. Image result for cows on soccer field

That’s provided Skillicorn doesn’t just move the cows over onto the local pitch. Again.

’10 to Track’ returns — Relegation Monday! plus CONCACAF and other goodness

After a semi-farewell and long holiday break, Noob returns! Twitter: @SoccernoobUSA

The plan remains to feature exclusive Isle of Sodor Premier League coverage here. Soon! I’m still wintering on Sodor, putting things together, even as the season is half-finished. To get a feel, check out this site’s Page for last summer’s inaugural Isle of Sodor FA Cup.

But I’ve missed doing the near-daily Tracks, previewing the most important matches from the U.S., all CONCACAF, Premier League, continental Europe, and the world!

So for now, I’m bringing back Relegation Monday and Globetrotting Friday – the most unique content I provided. So enjoy! Today, several matches feature teams about to be Relegated, from “important” leagues to those far-flung. Then there’s a few matches of happier import. Dig in.

1. Celta Vigo vs. Athletic Club Bilbao – Spain: La Liga

UEFA League Rank: #1
Table positions: #14, #18 (of 20)
Clubs relegated: 3
Time of season: middle

Noob’s return to at least Tracking on “Relegation Mondays” starts with a realistic upset chance! Athletic have only lost one of their last six matches. I’m not saying they’re storming the league and going to make a move on a midtable position, but only allowing one goal in their last four matches is a big step forward.

Celta Vigo, at home, should be favored. Their goal differential even indicates they may be worthy of a higher table slot. But they’ve not scored in two matches. Noob senses this is a bad matchup for them.

Fun Fact: Bilbao are The Lions. Their stadium was built near a church which was named for Saint Mammes, a Christian saint thrown to the lions. He pacified them.

So they named themselves after tamed animals? Never mind from before. You’re getting Relegated.

RESULT: Athletic 1-2 The Lions climb to 17th place, above the Drop Zone for now

B. Moreirense vs. Aves – Portugal Primeira Liga

UEFA league rank: #7
Table positions: #7, #17 (of 18)
Clubs relegated: 3
Time of season: middle

Aves have the worst defense in the league, and it’s not particularly close. That said, they’ve only allowed one goal in each of their last to matches, against excellent competition. They didn’t win either, though, and haven’t done so since late November.

Moreirense seem to be overcoming a dreadful start to their season when it comes to goal-scoring. They’ve won three of four matches running and scored multiple times in all of them.

RESULT: Moreirense 1-0

Image result for letter B pumped up

The Quest for Number B to displace worn out Number 2 in lists is back on!

Clearly, the people want their Number B.

3. Ermis Aradippou vs. Enosis Paralimni – Cyprus First Division

UEFA League Rank: #18
Table positions: last, second-to-last
# of Clubs Relegated: 1
Time of Season: middle

One of Noob’s first ever Twitter (@SoccernoobUSA) followers is a Cypriot mother of two First Division players. This league will always have a little piece of my heart. Thankfully for Mom, her boys play for far better clubs than these sad sacks!

Aradippou have earned points in just three matches all season so far. They won their last match, but that was in their FA Cup. Against a Second Division club that is considered a “refugee team”. That haven’t played in their home city since the Turkish Invasion of 1974. Aradippou haven’t beaten a league foe since November.

Paralimni have earned draws in their last two league matches, lead Aradippou by five points in the table. Road wins may be tough to come by, but Noob wouldn’t be able to call this in upset even so. Both teams are just so lousy.

RESULT: 0-0 That seems more than fitting

4. Mont Bleu vs. Muungano – DR Congo First Division

CAF league rank: #3
Table positions: #12, last place of 16
Clubs Relegated: 3
Time of season: uncertain

Last season, the Linafoot may only have been about 14 matches. This season, some clubs have already reached 15. The format also seems to have changed from three league divisions to one.

So what does Noob know? That Muungano have won just once and drawn not at all in their 11 outings. This is one of three teams that play far worse defense than everyone else. None of them look likely to climb out of the Drop Zone no matter when the season ends.

Mont Bleu are a bit better on both sides of the ball, though not nearly good enough threaten climbing to midtable.

RESULT: ppd

Image result for OC Muungano

5. Ndanda vs. Ruvu Shooting – Tanzania Premier

CAF league rank: #24
Table positions: #17, #16 (of 20)
Clubs Relegated: 4
Time of season: middle

Ndanda may be on the edge of daylight, but their goal differential is the worst in the league. If they had a strength, maybe they could climb. But they’re bottom-three in both O and D.

Still, a win today would move them above the Cutline (for the moment). Ruvu score a lot more, but sport the league’s worst defense for it. If Ndanda want to prove Noob wrong, this is a home must-win.

Fun Fact: Ndanda’s Nangwanda Sijaona Stadium has a capacity of 15,000.

RESULT: Ruvu 0-1

6. Muslim FC vs. Karachi Port Trust – Pakistan Premier

AFC league rank: #46
Table positions: #11, #13 (of either 14, 15 or 16)
Clubs relegated: 2, 3 or 4
Time of season: very late

The number of league teams is higher now than when it last seemed to have played, in 2014-15. Assuming they’re still playing a double round robin, this season is on the verge of finishing. It started with either 15 or 16 teams. One or two of them aren’t playing for financial reasons. Bottom line is, just 14 appear to be actually playing and two of those will be Relegated.

And so, welcome to the worst-ranked league in Asia! Hey, they’re playing. Love football? Want to see it develop, improve everywhere. Noob’s got your back, Pak.

KPT and one other team are vying to stay in the country’s top flite. Baloch Nushki are playing, but have long since been mathematically cooked. And if it weren’t for Baloch Nushki, KPT would have the worst defense in the league.

Muslim are not much higher, yet appear safe in their position. They play small-ball, neither scoring nor conceding many goals at all. KPT won’t get one on them today, and they will go down a league.

RESULT: Muslim 2-0

KPT FC Logo

We hardly knew ye

7. Rayo Majadahonda vs. Las Palmas – Spain’s Segunda Division

UEFA league rank: n/a – second-tier league
Table positions: #19, #11 (of 22)
Clubs relegated: 4
Time of season: middle

Majadahonda are in a three-way tie for 18^th through 20^th in points in the table. But they’re one of the four worst in goal differential, simply must score more if they want to stay afloat. Try for at least a goal per game, fellas. It’ll work wonders.

Statistically, Las Palmas are perfectly average in every way. Yet strangely, they haven’t won a match since October, mostly achieving draws. High or low-scoring, doesn’t matter. They can’t seal the deal. Look for a 0-0 draw today, and contain your excitement, Noobites 😛

Fun Fact: This is the highest Majadahonda have ever been in the Spanish football pyramid, having just been promoted this year.

RESULT: 0-0

Non-Relegation Matches of Treeemendous Consequence!

OK, might’ve oversold that.

8. Lille vs. Sochaux – Coupe de France

The French FA Cup is in it’s Round of 64. This is the only match for the event today. Lille is the current #B team in Ligue 1, while Sochaux are barely above the Relegation Line in Ligue 2. The only reason this match might not be a blowout for the home side is that Noob’s read this FA Cup is considered by clubs even less important than other top European leagues’ clubs consider theirs, which is so-so at most.

Here’s the link for the event. Hopefully your technology translates it for you readily.

RESULT: Lille 1-0

9. Waterhouse vs. Cavalier – Jamaica Premier

CONCACAF league rank: don’t think they do them; #B Caribbean maybe
Table positions: #B, #3
Stakes: top 6- league playoffs bracket, top 2 get byes
more Stakes Top two will have option to play Caribbean Club Championship.
Time of season: 2/3 through regular season

#1 Portmore and Waterhouse have the offense. Cavalier boasts the top D. Unfortunately for them, Waterhouse is almost as good in that regard. The home team today is probably the most talented in the league.

Even given the relative table positions, a Cavalier win should be considered an upset. But given that they were just promoted to top flite this season, they’re performing incredibly.

RESULT: Cavalier 0-1 So be it – upset! These two are now tied in the table on points. Cavalier is still in 3rd on GD.

10. UNDEBA (Banda Abou) vs. Scherpenheuvel – Curacao Sekshon Paga

CONCACAF league rank: gotta think it wouldn’t be high
Table positions: #3, #1
Stakes: top six make the playoff subdivision
more Stakes at least one club will have option to play in new second-tier 2020 Caribbean Club Shield
Time of season: very early

Welcome to the former Netherlands Antilles! The top at some point the top six will be moved into their own Championship Subdivision. It’s unclear to me if at some point the top four from that will have their own bracketed playoff not. But the season is just a few matches in, so there’s all kinds of time to figure it out.

Scherpenheuvel are undefeated, outscoring opponents 12-1 to date. Banda Abou’s GD is 18-9. Can’t think their lack of defense will serve them well over a full season, but that 3+ goals per game average sure is shiny.

RESULT: 1-1

Image result for stoba goat papaya

Be inspired to find or make some stoba, a traditional stew from these parts.

And be bold! Do the goat with the papaya.