Tag: Cypriot First Division

’10 to Track’ returns — Relegation Monday! plus CONCACAF and other goodness

After a semi-farewell and long holiday break, Noob returns!     Twitter: @SoccernoobUSA

The plan remains to feature exclusive Isle of Sodor Premier League coverage here.  Soon!  I’m still wintering on Sodor, putting things together, even as the season is half-finished.   To get a feel, check out this site’s Page for last summer’s inaugural Isle of Sodor FA Cup.

But I’ve missed doing the near-daily Tracks, previewing the most important matches from the U.S., all CONCACAF, Premier League, continental Europe, and the world!

So for now, I’m bringing back Relegation Monday and Globetrotting Friday – the most unique content I provided.   So enjoy!   Today, several matches feature teams about to be Relegated, from “important” leagues to those far-flung.  Then there’s a few matches of happier  import.    Dig in.

1. Celta Vigo vs. Athletic Club Bilbao – Spain:  La Liga
  • UEFA League Rank:     #1
  • Table positions:            #14, #18 (of 20)
  • Clubs relegated:             3
  • Time of season:             middle

Noob’s return to at least Tracking on “Relegation Mondays” starts with a realistic upset chance! Athletic have only lost one of their last six matches. I’m not saying they’re storming the league and going to make a move on a midtable position, but only allowing one goal in their last four matches is a big step forward.

Celta Vigo, at home, should be favored. Their goal differential even indicates they may be worthy of a higher table slot. But they’ve not scored in two matches. Noob senses this is a bad matchup for them.

Fun Fact:    Bilbao are The Lions.  Their stadium was built near a church which was named for Saint Mammes, a Christian saint thrown to the lions.  He pacified them.  

So they named themselves after tamed animals?   Never mind from before.  You’re getting Relegated.

RESULT:   Athletic   1-2        The Lions climb to 17th place, above the Drop Zone for now

B. Moreirense vs. Aves – Portugal Primeira Liga
  • UEFA league rank:        #7
  • Table positions:             #7, #17 (of 18)
  • Clubs relegated:             3
  • Time of season:              middle

Aves have the worst defense in the league, and it’s not particularly close. That said, they’ve only allowed one goal in each of their last to matches, against excellent competition. They didn’t win either, though, and haven’t done so since late November.

Moreirense seem to be overcoming a dreadful start to their season when it comes to goal-scoring. They’ve won three of four matches running and scored multiple times in all of them.

RESULT:   Moreirense   1-0

Image result for letter B pumped up

 

 

The Quest for Number B to displace worn out Number 2 in lists is back on!

Clearly, the people want their Number B.

3. Ermis Aradippou vs. Enosis Paralimni – Cyprus First Division
  • UEFA League Rank:         #18
  • Table positions:                last, second-to-last
  • # of Clubs Relegated:      1
  • Time of Season:                 middle

One of Noob’s first ever Twitter (@SoccernoobUSA) followers is a Cypriot mother of two First Division players. This league will always have a little piece of my heart. Thankfully for Mom, her boys play for far better clubs than these sad sacks!

Aradippou have earned points in just three matches all season so far. They won their last match, but that was in their FA Cup. Against a Second Division club that is considered a “refugee team”. That haven’t played in their home city since the Turkish Invasion of 1974. Aradippou haven’t beaten a league foe since November.

Paralimni have earned draws in their last two league matches, lead Aradippou by five points in the table. Road wins may be tough to come by, but Noob wouldn’t be able to call this in upset even so. Both teams are just so lousy.

RESULT:   0-0          That seems more than fitting

4. Mont Bleu vs. Muungano – DR Congo First Division
  • CAF league rank:        #3
  • Table positions:         #12, last place of 16
  • Clubs Relegated:         3
  • Time of season:           uncertain

Last season, the Linafoot may only have been about 14 matches. This season, some clubs have already reached 15. The format also seems to have changed from three league divisions to one.

So what does Noob know? That Muungano have won just once and drawn not at all in their 11 outings. This is one of three teams that play far worse defense than everyone else. None of them look likely to climb out of the Drop Zone no matter when the season ends.

Mont Bleu are a bit better on both sides of the ball, though not nearly good enough threaten climbing to midtable.

RESULT:      ppd

Image result for OC Muungano

5. Ndanda vs. Ruvu Shooting – Tanzania Premier
  • CAF league rank:        #24
  • Table positions:         #17, #16 (of 20)
  • Clubs Relegated:         4
  • Time of season:           middle

Ndanda may be on the edge of daylight, but their goal differential is the worst in the league. If they had a strength, maybe they could climb. But they’re bottom-three in both O and D.

Still, a win today would move them above the Cutline (for the moment). Ruvu score a lot more, but sport the league’s worst defense for it. If Ndanda want to prove Noob wrong, this is a home must-win.

Fun Fact:  Ndanda’s Nangwanda Sijaona Stadium has a capacity of 15,000.

RESULT:   Ruvu   0-1

6. Muslim FC vs. Karachi Port Trust – Pakistan Premier
  • AFC league rank:       #46
  • Table positions:         #11, #13 (of either 14, 15 or 16)
  • Clubs relegated:         2, 3 or 4
  • Time of season:          very late

The number of league teams is higher now than when it last seemed to have played, in 2014-15. Assuming they’re still playing a double round robin, this season is on the verge of finishing. It started with either 15 or 16 teams. One or two of them aren’t playing for financial reasons. Bottom line is, just 14 appear to be actually playing and two of those will be Relegated.

And so, welcome to the worst-ranked league in Asia! Hey, they’re playing. Love football? Want to see it develop, improve everywhere. Noob’s got your back, Pak.

KPT and one other team are vying to stay in the country’s top flite. Baloch Nushki are playing, but have long since been mathematically cooked. And if it weren’t for Baloch Nushki, KPT would have the worst defense in the league.

Muslim are not much higher, yet appear safe in their position. They play small-ball, neither scoring nor conceding many goals at all. KPT won’t get one on them today, and they will go down a league.

RESULT:   Muslim   2-0

KPT FC Logo

 

 

We hardly knew ye

7. Rayo Majadahonda vs. Las Palmas – Spain’s Segunda Division
  • UEFA league rank:         n/a – second-tier league
  • Table positions:             #19, #11 (of 22)
  • Clubs relegated:             4
  • Time of season:              middle

Majadahonda are in a three-way tie for 18th through 20th in points in the table. But they’re one of the four worst in goal differential, simply must score more if they want to stay afloat. Try for at least a goal per game, fellas. It’ll work wonders.

Statistically, Las Palmas are perfectly average in every way. Yet strangely, they haven’t won a match since October, mostly achieving draws. High or low-scoring, doesn’t matter. They can’t seal the deal. Look for a 0-0 draw today, and contain your excitement, Noobites 😛

Fun Fact:   This is the highest Majadahonda have ever been in the Spanish football pyramid, having just been promoted this year.

RESULT:   0-0

Non-Relegation Matches of Treeemendous Consequence!

OK, might’ve oversold that.

8. Lille vs. Sochaux – Coupe de France

The French FA Cup is in it’s Round of 64. This is the only match for the event today. Lille is the current #B team in Ligue 1, while Sochaux are barely above the Relegation Line in Ligue 2. The only reason this match might not be a blowout for the home side is that Noob’s read this FA Cup is considered by clubs even less important than other top European leagues’ clubs consider theirs, which is so-so at most.

Here’s the link for the event. Hopefully your technology translates it for you readily.

RESULT:   Lille   1-0

9. Waterhouse vs. Cavalier – Jamaica Premier
  • CONCACAF league rank:        don’t think they do them; #B  Caribbean maybe
  • Table positions:                       #B, #3
  • Stakes:                                          top 6- league playoffs bracket, top 2 get byes
  • more Stakes                               Top two will have option to play Caribbean Club                                                           Championship.
  • Time of season:                        2/3 through regular season

#1 Portmore and Waterhouse have the offense. Cavalier boasts the top D. Unfortunately for them, Waterhouse is almost as good in that regard. The home team today is probably the most talented in the league.

Even given the relative table positions, a Cavalier win should be considered an upset. But given that they were just promoted to top flite this season, they’re performing incredibly.

RESULT:   Cavalier   0-1         So be it – upset!     These two are now tied in the table on points.  Cavalier is still in 3rd on GD.

10. UNDEBA (Banda Abou) vs. Scherpenheuvel – Curacao Sekshon Paga
  • CONCACAF league rank:                gotta think it wouldn’t be high
  • Table positions:                               #3, #1
  • Stakes:                                                 top six make the playoff subdivision
  • more Stakes                                      at least one club will have option to play in                                                                      new second-tier 2020 Caribbean Club Shield
  • Time of season:                                very early

Welcome to the former Netherlands Antilles! The top at some point the top six will be moved into their own Championship Subdivision. It’s unclear to me if at some point the top four from that will have their own bracketed playoff not. But the season is just a few matches in, so there’s all kinds of time to figure it out.

Scherpenheuvel are undefeated, outscoring opponents 12-1 to date. Banda Abou’s GD is 18-9. Can’t think their lack of defense will serve them well over a full season, but that 3+ goals per game average sure is shiny.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for stoba goat papaya

 

 

Be inspired to find or make some stoba, a traditional stew from these parts.

And be bold!   Do the goat with the papaya.

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday (12/3) — previews for Matches of Suckitude

Noob always endeavors to bring us the ten most important matches to follow as newish American fans of the global game.

Monday’s, that “importance” takes a different turn – Matches of Suckitude!    Most of today’s featured games include at least one club on the verge of getting Relegated from their league, kicked out for poor performance.

As always, let’s start with a few matches of happier import —

1. Guiseley vs. Fleetwood Town – English FA Cup

This is the Second Round Proper of the tournament. There are Rounds before these two “Proper” ones, qualifying rounds for teams from levels 5-10 of the English football pyramid. At the First Round proper, teams from the third and fourth pyramid levels entered the competition.

Just a few teams from Level 6 (and none lower) remain now. Those are considered Minnows – underdogs. Folks like to root for them to make surprising, deep runs in this event. Guiseley, from West Yorkshire) will take all the support they can garner. They were Relegated from the National League (level 5) last year after a last-place finish and they’re doing little better this year a level down. The defense is okay, but the offense is nearly non-existent.

Fleetwood are from the third tier, League One. They’re below average there. But they’re fully professional and so should be heavy favorites today.

RESULT:   Fleetwood   1-2

B. APOEL Nicosia vs. Apollon Limassol – Cyprus First Division

Surprise, the Cypriot league is in the top 20 in all UEFA! If they rise a few more spots, they may soon qualify multiple teams for UEFA Champions League.

Noob has a soft spot APOEL, as one of my earliest Twitter followers is a mom of one of their players.

They’re in 3rd. Much as Noob wishes it were otherwise, I suspect this league will eventually be a two-team race between Apollon (the best team in the league) and #1-for-the-moment AEL Limassol.

APOEL are only an even match at best for their guests today.

RESULT:   APOEL   5-1        Oh MY

Image result for soft letter B

 

 

Noob also has a soft spot for soft Number B.

3. Bhayangkara vs. PSM Makassar – Indonesia Liga 1

Noob can never be accused of not being a citizen of the world. #27 league in Asia? Sure! The season there is nearly done and the title is undecided. Just one team may even possibly qualify for the next AFC Champions League from here. The champ may also end up in the AFC Cup, a secondary tournament for teams from what the AFC considers “developing football nations”.

Only two matches remain for all clubs there, and Makassar trail Jakarta by two points in the table. No other team is close enough to possibly catch them.

Unfortunately for Makassar, Bhayangkara still have something to play for. They can still catch the #3 club, and that slot might qualify for an AFC Cup berth. Bhayangkara don’t have the defensive PSM do, but the score about the same. At home, Noob considers them a slight favorite.

RESULT:   0-0

And now, your Matches of Suckit000000000d —

4. Levante vs. Athletic Club – La Liga

Three clubs will get Relegated from Spain’s top league at season’s end. Currently, Athletic Club are 18th of 20 teams. They’d be even deeper in the hole with their just one win, but they’ve earned draws in a mind-boggling eight of their dozen other matches.

Levante are 11th, as average as it gets. At home, that should easily be good enough to beat Athletic Club. Though I guess a ninth draw might be in order for the guests today.   (3:00 PM Eastern, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Levante   3-0

Image result for wearing lots of ties

 

 

Lots of ties, Noob gets it.

The tiny soul patch is the more troubling facet.

5. Nurnberg vs. Bayer Leverkusen – Bundesliga

Germany’s is a another that gives three teams The Boot. Nurnberg is third-to-last, courtesy of not playing a goalie ever. Well, their stats make it look like that, anyway. Even so, they might have a coin-flip’s chance at a win at home today. #12 Leverkusen are better on both sides of the ball, but not by tons.

Fun Fact:    Nurnberg have been Relegated from Bundesliga eight times, most all-time.

RESULT:   1-1

6. Bubali vs. Estrella – Aruba Division di Honor

Aruba? Surely nothing could suck in that paradise. But they have Relegation even there. One team will be automatically sent down. We’re getting to know our CONCACAF brethren, even in states of Suckitude. Hallo, neighbors!

The next two in the table are pegged to participate in a Relegation Playoff. To be honest, Noob’s not sure if they play one another and the loser also goes down to Division Uno (second-tier league) or if they play teams from Division Uno for a chance to stay up.

Regardless, Bubali are in 9th of the ten teams. The season is just a few matches in there, but ti’s not too early to say that if they can’t up their scoring to better than one goal per, they’re going down. Estrella are in 4th, but don’t defend a ton. Still, they have the firepower to handle Bubali, even on the road.

RESULT:   Estrella   0-2

Image result for Bubali aruba

 

 

 

 

There’s Bubali on the western coast.

7. Tigre vs. Godoy Cruz – Argentina Premier

Tigre are in 19th of 28 teams. Not bad, if nowhere near good. Unfortunately for them, this league uses a three-year table for determining who goes down.

And Tigre were so awful the last two, there’s little they can do to save themselves from getting Dropped. They’re in last in that aggregate table, would have to jump three teams to stay up. Perhaps they might get a draw against 10th-place Godoy Cruz.   (3:10 PM, TyC Sports International)

Fun Fact:    Tigre made the Copa Sudamericana final in 2012, but refused to finish the match after falling behind 0-2 at the half (questionably citing “security concerns”).

RESULT:   GC   1-3

8. Yeni Malatyaspor vs. Akhisarspor – Turkey Super Lig

Y.M. just got Promoted to top flite this season, but it’s not them that’s Sucking. They’re in 7th. They’re parking the bus a little, not scoring or getting scored upon lots. It won’t get them higher in the table, but so far it’s easily keeping them afloat.

Akhisarspor are in third-to-last, and Turkey’s is yet another league that kicks three out annually. Their offense is almost average, but the defense is tied for worst.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for turkey floating

 

Floating turkey.

 

No apologies.

9. AGF Aarhus vs. Velje Boldklub – Denmark Superliga

The Danish top league divided into Championship and Relegation subgroups later in the season. Top six play for the title. These two aren’t going to be among those.

Aarhus are in 11th. They show enough of a spark on defense to give hope that they’ll ultimately survive, not actually be Relegated. Velje, on the other hand, are just plain awful. They don’t score even a goal per match on average, and not because they pack it in on D by any stretch.

Fun Fact:  Aarhus were founded in 1880, primarily focused on gymnastics and fencing.

RESULT:   Aarhus   2-1

10. Dibba Al-Fujairah vs. Al Ittihad Kalba – U.A.E. Pro-League

We finish our Track today in the #4 league in all Asia. That shiny ranking is no thanks whatsoever to DAF. They’re the mirror opposite of well-balanced, sporting both the second-worst offense and defense. Kalba are below-average, but should be favored by a goal even on the road against this lot.

RESULT:   Kalba   1-3

Image result for Dibba Al fujairah stadium

 

So long from Dibba Al Fujairah Stadium!

It doesn’t meet the Pro-League’s reqs though, so they play in nearby Fujairah City.

 

Extra Credit:   matches from the women’s EAFF E-1 tournament (East Asia), #3 Dynamo Kiev vs #11 Chornomorets Odessa – Ukrainian Premier, #8 Astra Giurgiu vs. #9 Botosani – Romania Liga I, #12 Opava vs #1 Slavia Prague – Czech First Division, #10 Enosis Paralimni vs #4 AEK Larnaca – Cyprus First Division.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (4/30) – MLS rolls on, western UEFA leagues in the home stretches

Noob is here.  And he’s in effect.  Makin’ you work up a sweat…

OK, that’ll make comparatively more sense soon.

The 10 most important matches for us, the newish American fans, to follow!   Let’s push right into them.

  1. NYCFC vs. Dallas – MLS

At time of posting, NYCFC lead the Eastern Conference.  If Atlanta United come back against Montreal impact, they could be tied or in position #B.  Dallas are #3, but could get jumped by New York Red Bulls tonight.

Dallas crapped the bed the entire final stretch last season, wasting an otherwise strong season and just missed the Playoffs.  But they’re defense is stepped up and then some now; they’ve given up just three goals so far in ’18.

NYCFC can dominate on either side of the ball, will likely try to push the pace at home.

RESULT:   NYCFC   3-1

Image result for push it real good animated gif

 

 

Dare Noob say?

Push it real good.

B.  Manchester United vs. Arsenal – English Premier

It’s mathematically possible for #B Man Utd. to still fall out of the top four and miss the next Champions League.  Noob could also win Powerball and fulfill his dream of travelling by John Madden-style super-bus to the annual Scrabble tournament in Homer, Alaska.

It’s not my only dream.  But it IS a dream.

Arsenal are in 6th, locked in for Europa League.

RESULT:   Man Utd   2-1     Man U gets the winner in second half injury time!

Image result for letter B dream

 

 

 

Noob also dreams of Number B.

  1. Lyon vs. Manchester City – UEFA women’s Champions League

The first leg of the Semifinal went scoreless.  The three-time defending champions will find the back of the net at home though, win through.   It’s like American women’s college basketball.  There’s just not a lot of parity in the game yet.

RESULT:   Lyon   1-0

  1. Celtic vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Celtic just hosted Rangers two matches ago.  Weird.  Celtic lambasted them 4-0.

Anywho!  Celtic are on the edge of wrapping up the league title.  Rangers have slipped to 3rd, and could miss even Europa League if they don’t get it together.  But getting it together doesn’t happen for others at Celtic.

RESULT:   Celtic   5-0

Image result for aragorn football ranger

 

 

Wrong Ranger, wrong kit, Viggo.

  1. Galatasaray vs. Besiktas – Turkey Super Lig

Galatasaray and Fenerbahce are tied for 1st.  Besiktas and Istanbul Basaksehir are tied for 3rd.  This is going to be an epic league title finish!

And Noob is far from certain Galatasaray are going to get the story ending they want.  They’ve been inconsistent at best down the stretch.  They fare well enough against quality teams, but keep losing to garbage teams near or at the table’s bottom.

Besiktas, meanwhile, have won four straight.  But they haven’t beaten a good team since February.

RESULT:   Galatasaray   2-0

  1. Ajax vs. AZ Alkmaar – Netherlands Eredivisie

Just the top two Dutch teams get into Champions League these days.  Alkmaar are running out of time to be one.  They’re five points down in the table to Ajax for that second slot.  (And Eindhoven have already won the league.)

RESULT:   Ajax   3-0

Image result for az alkmaar funny

 

 

For-real photo of AZ goalie fighting off a charging Ajax fan.

  1. APOEL Nicosia vs. Apollon Limassol – Cyprus First Division

Cyprus?  Yip!  This league just cracked the top 20 in UEFA rankings.

APOEL took the regular season title, but Apollon Limassol has overtaken them now that the league is divided into Championship and Relegation subdivisions.  The new leaders have won five straight league matches.  Given how they’re beating teams on both offense and defense handily, they’re looking likely to hold onto the league’s lone Champions League berth.

RESULT:   APOEL   2-1   And into the lead by a point!

  1. FCSB vs. Cluj – Romania Liga I

It’s a similar story here as in Cyprus.  Cluj won the regular season battle, but FCSB have passed them in the Championship Playoffs.

It’s not like Cluj has been losing.  To anyone.  They’ve simply become a sister-kissing machine – nothing but draws of late nearly.  FCSB haven’t loss since February themselves, and have the momentum and home pitch advantage today.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for kissing machine

 

No…

 

No!

  1. LDU de Quito vs. Barcelona SC – Ecuador Serie A

Noob transitions you out of Europe with a match featuring a club named for a European club.  No sense disorienting any Noobites on a Sunday.

They’re ten games into the First Stage of the 2018-season.  #1 BSC sports the best offense and defense so far.  #B LDU de Quito will be their toughest test so far.  Only one team from Ecuador qualifies for Copa Libertadories, South America’s version of Champions League.

RESULT:   Quito   2-1

  1. Jeonbuk vs. Suwon Bluewings – South Korea K League 1

This is South Korea’s top-flight league.  Last year this was “K-League Classic”.

Defending champs Jeonbuk and #B Suwon have each lost only once nine games into this season.  Both losses were to crap teams, but right during AFC Champions League qualification.  Noob wonders if either was even playing starters.

Jeonbuk have scored the most so far, and have only allowed four goals to date.  Noob sees no reason to think Suwon will upset them at home.

RESULT:   Suwon   2-0

Image result for Jeonbuk champions

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (3/18) – All four of Europe’s top leagues repped

The ten most important matches for the newish American fan to follow.  It’s what Noob does.  I filter better than Brita.

  1. Dallas vs. Seattle Sounders – MLS

Dallas stumbled down the stretch last season and finished 7th in the Western Conference, just missing the playoffs.  Noob-reviled Seattle finished #B.  They did it with a top defense.  It’s a new season, sure, but Dallas needs to get on the board first, or it could be a long day.   (5:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   Dallas   3-0     And there was JOY

Image result for Seattle meme

 

 

 

Man, I really loathe you, Seattle!

B.  Wigan Athletic vs. Southampton – English FA Cup

Wigans’ defeat last round of Premier League titans Man City was the upset of the season worldwide.  The third-tier league side have to believe anything is possible now.  They get a comparatively manageable foe today.

Southampton are two leagues above Wigan and that should mean everything.  But will they even be putting all their energies into this tournament?   They’ve slipped into the Relegation Zone in Premier League, could not be blamed for saving starters for those matches.  (9:30 AM, FS2)

RESULT:   Southampton   0-2

Image result for letter B zany

 

 

 

Number B’s taking it all in stride.

  1. Bethlehem Steel vs. Richmond Kickers – USL

Last year’s #8 hosts #14.  But it’s the one American division two game today.  And…

RESULT:   Bethlehem   4-1

Image result for bethlehem steel zoolander

 

…the return of superfan Derek Zoolander!

  1. Marseille vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

This is Lyon’s last, best chance to make a move on a Champions League berth for next year.  The league has slipped in strength and now only gets three slots.  And Lyon is in 4th, by five points behind their hosts today.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-3     Lyon with the winner at 90′!

  1. RB Leipzig vs. Bayern Munich – Bundesliga

Maybe 6th-place Leipzig can hope the undisputed German champs will play a bunch of backups on the road today, rest up for their current Champions League run.   (1:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Leipzig   2-1     They’re still in 6th, but now 4th and a C.L. berth is at least in sight.

  1. Villareal vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

It’s hard to imagine undefeated Barcelona suddenly going on a skid.  At eight points back, #B Atletico has to be hoping beyond hope for exactly that.

Villareal, meanwhile, are in a tight four-way race for three Europa League invites.  They’re probably the best of those four, but that doesn’t mean they can’t lose this game of Spanish musical chairs.   (1:30 PM, beIN Sports en Español).

RESULT:   Villareal  2-1      Winner at 90′ + 2!!

Image result for violent musical chairs

 

 

Musical Chairs – to the death!!

 

  1. Sampdoria vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

5th-place Inter Milan have played one less game than 4th-place Lazio, and trail them by just a point in the table.  That’s the last spot for a Champions League berth.

Noobstradamus prognosticates they will not play for a mere draw, even on the road against a tough 7th-place Sampdoria side trying to qualify for the next Europa League.  The hosts like to play a wide open game, and Inter would be better off trying to beat them at it than slowing things down.  2-3 is the score of the predestined shootout.   (7:30 AM, Rai Italia)

RESULT:   Inter Milan   0-5    Well, I had the number of goals and winner right.   Not a total bed-crapping.

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

 

barba fluente, niente pantaloni

  1. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

Alajuense took over the Clausura (second half-season) lead with their win yesterday.  But Saprissa and Herediano are just one and two points back, respectively.  There are just a few games to go, so better believe the league leaders are hoping for a draw in this match.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Apollon Limassol vs. APOEL Limassol – Cypriot First Division

Tied for 1st in Cyprus!  This league has already separated into its Championship and Relegation halves.  Apollon lead by virtue of greater head-to-head goal differential, but the odds of that mattering by the end seem low.

RESULT:   Apollon   4-2

  1. Cluj vs. FCSB – Romania Liga I

In Romania, too, they have divided into their league two halves now.

These two were just four points apart in the table when the regular season ended.  Before starting the Championship part of their season, the points they’ve all earned are halved (and then rounded up), so now these two are even closer.  #1 and league’s best defense hosts #B, league’s best offense.  Classic.

RESULT:   1-1

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Noob had not known TV classic Beverly Hillbillies  was remade for a Romanian audience.

’10 to Track’, weekend edition – hating Hotspur, exalting Amuricuh

Saturday, 1/20

1.  Burnley vs. Manchester United – English Premier League

How are Burnley still in 7th?   They haven’t won a match since 12/12.  Man Utd may be in comfortable shape at #2, but even if they come in relaxed they should house Burnley in front of their own fans.

RESULT:   Man Utd   0-1

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Burnley will try anything to end this skid…

B.  Cruz Azul vs. Leon – Liga MX

Leon is one of only two teams to win their first two Clausura (second half-season) matches.  Cruz Azul is just behind them at 1-1-0.  If Leon can shore up their defense some, they have the offense to stay up in the table.  These two finished 6th and 7th respectively in the Apertura (first half-season).

This game will have America’s attention, as Leon just signed all-time great Landon Donovan out of retirement.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Coleraine vs. Crusaders – Northern Irish Premier League

Yellowman for everyone!   It’s #2 v #1 and Noob brings the celebratory snacks.   It’s also best defense versus best offense.  Semiprofessional league or not, this is the best matchup today.

RESULT:   3-3    Crusaders had this one in hand 3-1 when they went down to ten men after a red card.

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Like honeycomb, but more Northern Irish-y

 

 

Sunday, 1/21

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Freedom survey, Amuricuh–

Hot or horrifying?

RESULT:   5-1    USA      And horrifying.

  1. USA vs. Denmark – women’s international friendly
  2. Santos vs. Morelia – Liga MX

Santos finished way down in the Apertura standings, courtesy of an astonishing nine draws.   They only play 17 matches each half season.

In Noob’s book, the Monarchs of Morelia can stow it.   Mexico has no kings or queens.   You’re a federal republic.  Get it together and make some sense!  But I’m just warming up…

RESULT:   Santos   1-0

  1. Southampton vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier League

Southampton are just one spot out of the Relegation Zone.   Here’s to hoping they can improve on that, since that would be done by beating loathsome Hotspur!

They should never have made Tottenham namesake Harry “Hotspur” Percy a Knight of the Garter.   He was a traitorous villain and cretinous yahoo to boot.  Scorn!  Bile and vitriol!

RESULT:   1-1

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Dan “the Intern-o Inferno” thinks a chill, roller skating turtle can quell Noob’s rage?

  1. Lyon vs. Paris-Saint Germain – Ligue 1

PSG may have nearly a double-digit lead on the pack, but this match is HYOOJ.

Lyon is in 3rd, in line for France’s last 2018 Champions League berth.  They’re nipping at Marseille’s heels for #2, which would allow them to skip a CL qualifying round and enter right into the Group Stage.  But in turn, underachieving AS Monaco is breathing down their necks.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-1

  1. Inter Milan vs. AS Roma – Serie A

The top two in Italy have all but bronzed their Champions League berths.  These two and Lazio are battling it out for the last two CL spots.

5th place Roma hasn’t shown the offense to move up, but Inter aren’t tons better in that regard.  This may end up a defensive slog, but it will be a highly-competitive one.

RESULT:   1-1

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Signore grasse italiane abbronzate

What’s Italian for “ewww”.

  1. Antwerp vs. Club Brugge – Belgium First Division A

Brugge already have enough points to qualify for the end-of-season six-team league Championship Playoff.  Antwerp is in 4th, fighting for seeding.  They lead KAA Gent by just two in the table.  Even at home, they’ll be doing well to even earn a draw here.

RESULT:   2-2      Antwerp blew this one.   Brugge got their goals in the last two minutes.

  1. APOEL Nicosia vs. AEK Larnaca – Cypriot First Division

With seven games to go, APOEL has already guaranteed themselves a spot in the postseason league championship playoffs.  But there are three teams not far off their pace, so they’ll be playing hard to maintain #1 seed.

Larnaca is tied for 2nd, and in a dogfight.   APOEL is better on both sides of the ball, but Noob’s still predicting that when all the kicking is done, Larnaca will have that #2 seed.   They have too much offense for their current peers to keep up.

RESULT:   APOEL   3-1

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Despite Noob’s best efforts, I’m not sure we can count on Anthony Edwards-intervention here.

’10 to Track’ for midweek 1/2-4 – Premier League meets Thomas the Tank Engine-edition

The ten most important soccer matches of the midweek, they await us, Noobites!  We get a spicy mix of league and Cup matches, a Premier League team gets a new name, I scare my volunteer with a thinly-veiled maiming threat, and so much more..

NEW FEATURE:  Staff seer Noobstradamus – who may or may not be merely an alter ego of Noob’s – is challenging The Management and Dan-o “the Interno Inferno” to a contest of prognostication.

We’ll all pick winners and losers for all games except Monday’s.  We won’t pick draws, because Amuricuh!   One point is earned for getting a game right, two for picking a big underdog to win in games I’ll designate with a “u”.

Monday, 1/2

  1. Manchester City vs. Watford (u) – English Premier League

The City train just keeps rolling, seemingly unstoppable.   Noob’s Tracking them because there’s talk about this being a Greatest Ever-sort of team.  And they won’t be sleeping on 10th-place Watford, since they don’t have another League match for two weeks.

RESULT:   Man City   3-1

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Watford, your crest still looks like an upside-down PSA for reminding people to use a licensed doctor for vaginoplasty.

B.  Napoli vs. Atalanta (u) – Coppa Italia

Number B.!  Italy’s FA Cup has reached its Quarterfinals.

League #1 Napoli plays host.   They’ve won four matches in a row.  #9 Atalanta has been rolling for a while, but got ambushed at home by lowly Cagliari in their last match.  The winner will get league #2 Juventus in all likelihood.

RESULYT:   Atalanta   1-2    Noobstradamus succcess!  Not that, you know, I’m surprised or anything  *cough*

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Napoli is in a dogfight for the league lead.  They will let their focus slip today.  Atalanta shall win.  Noobstradamus has bespoken!

Bespake.  Bespeaked?    Blaargh.

 

  1. Iraq vs. U.A.E. – Arabian Gulf Cup

Reminder:  Seven Gulf area teams, plus Yemen.  These two both rate in the 70’s in FIFA rankings, should be the higher-quality of the Semifinals.

Iraq looks like the class of the field.  U.A.E. somehow finished 2nd in their Group scoring only one goal in the three games.  (They gave up none.)  The winner likely gets Oman in the Final.

RESULT:   U.A.E.   0-0  /  2-4  pk      The Emirates’ shutout streak continues.  On to the Final to face Oman.

Tuesday, 1/3

  1. Arsenal vs. Chelsea – English Premier League

This should be the match of the midweek!  Neither club has lost since early last month.

Chelsea is in 3rd.  Arsenal stands at 5th place, a guaranteed 2018 Europa League slot.  They’re well behind 4th-place Liverpool, but could use some space against hated rival and all-around scorned 6th-place Tottenham.

New Year’s resolution!   Noob will now regularly refer to accursed, named-for-a-traitor Tottenham more regularly as “Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur”.

RESULT:   2-2

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He’s a much more palatable figure than dastardly Henry “Hotspur” Percy.

 

 

Hello, Noobites- The Management here.  The Management would like to apologize for Noob’s incessant ranting on this topic.  He’s had his head med upped recently, but the hoped-for effect can take weeks to show up.  Thank you for your time and patience. – The Management.

Hey, The Management.  Noob doesn’t remember signing away his HIPAA privacy rights.  But let’s move on.

  1. Sydney FC vs. Newcastle Jets – Australian A-League

#1 vs. #2!   Noob’s always down for it.   Even if barely more than a dozen games into the league season Sydney is up eight points on Newcastle, who are in turn up seven on 3rd place.

These are the only two finishing positions that are AFC Champions League slots.  Sydney leads the league in scoring and defense.

RESULT:   2-2      Sydney salvages a point with a goal in the 87′

  1. Formentera (u) vs. Alavés – Copa del Rey (Spain FA Cup)

This is the Round of 16.  Unlike with many FA Cups, teams here play two-legged ties (two-match series).

Formentera is our pececillo – Minnow.   They’re a so-so third-tier team that have made it a long way.   Their guests are a poor La Liga team, and they’ve already beaten much better Atletico Bilbao.  Noob’s got a thing for island teams, and Formentera are based in the Balearics.  Gofightwin!

RESULT:   Alavés   1-3

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Someday Noob’s ashes will be scattered in that lagoon.  Heaven.

  1. Juventus vs. Torino (u) – Coppa Italia

This is not the Quarterfinal matchup league 10th-place Torino was hoping for.  They’re defense is pretty suspect, and Juventus are the goal-scoring monster of Serie A.

  1. Benfica vs. Sporting CP – Primeira Liga

Porto leads Portugal’s top league, but Sporting Lisbon is tied with them.  Benfica is close behind in 3rd.  This league only gets to Champions League spots this year.  Torcida importante!

RESULT:   Juve   2-0

        Um, Mr. Noob, sir?   I don’t mean to interrupt.

Yet here you are, doing just that, Dan-o the Intern-o Inferno.

        Are you trying to write “important match” in Portuguese?  

I’m not “trying”.  I did.

        Er, that’s actually “important candle-wick”.

I once took a man’s eyeball out with a mellonballer.

        Right.  Carry on!

  1. Apollon Limassol vs. AEK Limassol – Cypriot First Division

The battle for Cyprus’ second-largest city is ON.  Intracity rivalries reign supreme for Noob!

3rd hosts 5th place here.  The top six will have a postseason tournament for the league title and Champions League berth.   Apollon are the best team in the league and are undefeated.  They’ve played three fewer league games than the others because of their international competition play.

RESULT:   1-1

Wednesday, 1/4

  1. Tottenham   Sir Topham Hatt Hotpsur vs. West Ham United (u) – English Premier League

Sir Topham Hatt is in 6th place.   Feels good to use the new moniker in a sentence.  Not that Noob’s bile and vitriol for the Traitorous Ones will ever diminish!   But it is nicer.

West Ham suck out loud and need to knock that crap off, get the big upset here.

RESULT:   1-1

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Prognistication Challenge

Noobstradamus:   Man City, Atalanta, Iraq, Arsenal, Sydney,  Formentera, Juventus, Benfica, Apollon, West Ham

The Management:   Watford, Atalanta, Iraq, Chelsea, Newcastle, Alavés, Torino, Benfica, AEK Limassol, West Ham

Dan the Interno Inferno:   Man City, Atalanta, I-Rock (the name is sheer bravado), Arsenal, Alaves, Sydney (“the thunder from down under”)*, Apollon, Torino, Benfica,  “I -Tottenham- some good learnins’ so they’d better score some of them goals -Hotspur-“.

*Noob points out the intern unintentional comedy:   1)  “thunder from down under” could, of course, refer to either or any Australian team, and B) would be less likely to refer to Sydney FC since they are nicknamed the “Sky Blues”.   🙂   (Now watch him win.)

Midweek ’10 to Track’ – three days of perfectly-mixed league and Cup matches

What is T2T?  The ten goldarn best, most important matches to follow for us, the newish American soccer fans.   And let more-seasoned fans fear us, Noobites!   We’ll end up more knowledgeable than they.  Muahaha.

Relegation Monday was a sweet success, as we witnessed two mighty league upsets.  But now Noob returns us to our regularly scheduled, traditionally-“important” games for Tue-Thurs.

Tuesday, 12/19

  1. Leicester City vs. Manchester City – EFL Cup

So many Cups!   Fear not, Noobites.  This is a safe place.   EFL Cup is one vied for by just the top four tiers in the English football pyramid. It is also often referred to by its sponsor name, “The Carabao Cup”.  Easy peasy.

This year’s is now in the Quarterfinals.   Leicester’s been making moves up the Premier League table in recent weeks, but no one’s been a match for Man City all year.  If L.C. hopes to catch they’re guests napping, they’ll still need to shore up their very dodgy defense.

RESULT:   Man City   1-1  /  3-4 pk

B.  Carlisle United vs. Gillingham – English FA Cup

The FA Cup is the most popular one.  Teams all the way down to the 20th level have been competing.  This one’s in its Second Round Proper (Proper referring to the stage when Premier League teams start playing this even).

This is a Replay.  These two faced off about a week ago and had a 1-1 draw at tier-three Gillingham.  Rather than settle it with penalty kicks, they play again.  But this time, it’s at the tier-four side’s place.   Either way, we’re treated to a Minnow (over-achieving lower-tiered team) in the next Round.

RESULT:    Carlisle   3-1       The tier-four side is through to the Round of 64!

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Those bend-y lights and giant soccer ball are pretty humorous.

  1. Paderborn vs. Ingolstadt – DFB Pokal (German FA Cup)

Round of 16 time.  3. Bundesliga (third tier) Paderborn is your Minnow, facing a top-flight team.

Paderborn have been as high as 2. Bundesliga as recently as two seasons ago.  They would’ve been Relegated last season into the tier-four Regional Leagues, but a team from 2. Bundesliga was sent down two levels instead.  Probably for naughtiness.

RESULT:   Paderborn   1-0      Minnow success!   

Wednesday, 12/20

  1. Bristol Rovers vs. Manchester United – EFL Cup

Bristol is the only non-Premier League team left alive here in the Quarterfinals.  They’re’ in 3rd place in the ECL (English second tier), but facing a Man club is another universe.

RESULT:   Bristol 2-1      Upset!  The Championship League team is through!

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Wouldn’t you love to see someone try diving into that and finding a stud?

  1. AS Monaco vs. Rennes – Ligue 1

2nd place hosts 7th here.  This one is closer-looking in the table than it will be on the field.  Rennes is having a .500 year.  Monaco is tied for 2nd with Lyon, but nine points in back of Paris-Saint-Germain.  If they dream of a title push, they know they must lock down home games like these.

RESULT:   Monaco   2-1

  1. AS Roma vs. Torino – Coppa Italia (FA Cup)

Italy doesn’t appear to do a random draw for who hosts during the bracketed portion of its FA Cup.  They’re down to 16 teams, and the eight good Serie A teams all get to host these elimination matches.

This game match has at least a fair chance of us seeing an upset.  Torino is in 10th in league play, Roma in 4th.  Roma have given up the fewest goals in league, just ten in 16 games.

RESULT:   Torino   1-2      Best chance realized – upset!

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Utter fear, mild surprise, and– whatever that is…

Torino football fever!

  1. Anorthosis vs. APOEL Nicosia – Cyprus First Division

APOEL is a name tenured Noobites may recognize.   They competed in the Champions League Group Stage.  They didn’t advance, but weren’t expected to.   If they want to make it again next year, they have some work to do, being in 4th place currently.   But they’ve played fewer league games because of their international play, so even travelling to #1 and undefeated Anorthosis isn’t too bleak a prospect.

RESULT:   APOEL   0-3

  1. Union Española vs. Universidad de Concepcion – Chile Premier

The Chilean format is a little blurry for Noob, but we can get this down to brass tacks.   This is the second match of a Runners-Up Playoff for a spot in next year’s Copa Libertadores.   Concepcion had the best second half record of all teams not already qualified for CL next year.   Española had the second-best record for the overall season (and perhaps second-best in the Apertura/first half-season).

It’s two pretty good teams that didn’t quite qualify in other ways for C.L.   There!   Much easier.  Concepcion won the first match of this two-legged tie 1-0.

RESULT:   Concepcion   1-2      And they win on aggregate 3-1, on to next year’s Copa Libertadores!

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Thursday, 12/21

  1. Monterrey vs. Pachuca – Apertura 2017 Copa MX

If this event seems familiar, it may be because it started all the way back in July.  The big earthquake derailed football there for a time.

Mexico is a country that basically plays two FA Cups per season.  Each only involves teams from the top two leagues.

This is a one-off match for the Apertura (first half-season) Copa title, and fittingly between the top league #1 and #2 sides.   Monterrey’s been dominant in league, but Pachuca has been demolishing opponents in this tournament.  Can they go into the lion’s den and rip away the trophy?

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-0      The favorites have done it – Apertura Copa MX chamPEEEEEENS!

  1. Gent vs. Sporting Charleroi – Belgium First Division A

This league likely only gets two berths in next year’s Champions League.  The top six teams here make the league playoffs.

Gent have an excellent goal differential, but apparently have been winning big but losing close, as they’re just in 5th place.   Charleroi won’t catch Club Brugge for the #1 seed, but a big road win would gain them a firmer grip on the #2.

RESULT:   Gent   1-0       Gent move up to 4th place.

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Step 1.)  Do steps 2-4 for a LONG time BEFORE picking up a baby.