Tag: Egyptian Premier

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday (11/2) – USL playoffs, LigaMX, then we’re off to see the world

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

On Friday’s, schedules run a little lighter.  Noob takes the opportunity to hit up the best local games, and then it’s off to soccer hinterlands less-known!

Come, jet-set with Noob.  The bags of peanuts in-flight are HYOOJ.

  1. Louisville FC vs. New York Red Bulls II – United Soccer League playoffs

Time for the Eastern Conference Final!  Defending champions Louisville host the Red Bull reserve teams.  They finished the regular season #2 and #5, respectively.

Louisville’s been clicking on both sides of both for weeks so, to the tune of nine straight wins.  The defense has been quite good, the offense – phenomenal.

NRYB Jr. have won five straight.    They’ve been comparable on defense, if not quite as dominant on offense.

It’s an interesting twist.   Through most of the regular season, they were both scoring like gangbusters, but with NYRB doing so very much at the expense of defense.  Now Red Bulls have switched their habits around.

No matter which style NY2 play, LFC are the clear fave.  Winner gets either Orange County or Phoenix for the title.   (7:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:    L’ville  5-1       Devon Williams with two goals in two minutes

Image result for letter B tiger

 

 

 

Looks like we know which club Number B is rooting for.  Awwwww!

B.  Morelia vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

Three matches to go in the Apertura (first half-season).  And since each of the two half-seasons are only 17 matches long, it means things in the table are tight.  Top eight make the Liguilla (postseason tournament).

Morelia’s in 7th, but their numbers don’t make them look like a Playoff team.  The offense is borderline, but the defense is bottom quartile-caliber.  Still, they’re trending the right way.  After not winning a match for more than a month straight, they’re now winners of three in a row.  Those three were against bottom-half teams, but it’s still something.

Tigres are #8.  Two teams trail them by just a point.   They’ve not won in their last four, the defense having completely fallen apart (11 goals allowed).

9th-place Pachuca is going to pass at least one of these two.  So if one of these two loses today, Noob considers it an elimination match of sorts.   (9:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Lille – France Ligue 1

Hard to believe PSG is looking like they might get eliminated from the current Champions League at the group stage.   They’re not having any trouble in their domestic league.   11-0-0, eight points up on #B Lille in the table already.

Lille sport an above average offense and defense.    No reason to think they’ll have any trouble finishing in the top three and qualify for the 2019-20 Champions League.  They just won’t look like it today.   PSG 3-1 today.

RESULT:   PSG   2-1     Mbappe with a goal and an assist

  1. Al Ahly vs. Esperance – CAF Champions League

The Final!    Two matches, home and away, for the club title in Africa.

Al Ahly are the #1 team in all Africa.  It doesn’t even seem to be particularly close.   Noob’s Elo ratings-source footballdatabase.com indicated it.  So does my newer one for Elo-ish numbers – soccerverse.com.  (The former has been down for long enough recently that I’m worried it’s gone for good.)

They’re well down the table in their domestic league so far this year, but that’s mostly by virtue of having played far fewer matches than most teams there.  The international play leads to a lot of postponements for them.   Extrapolate their basic stats out and they’re easily performing like a top-four club.

They host what may well be the #2 club on the continent.  This looks like an awful matchup for the Tunisians.  They’re struggling on defense in their league, and Ahly is just relentless on offense.   Ahly by two on their own pitch today.

RESULT:   Ahly   3-1           Walid Soliman scored twice on penalties in a match that also featured a third penalty score

Image result for math is dumb

 

Mathing.

 

I know, right?

  1. El Entag El Harby vs. Smouha – Egyptian Premier

You know, as long as we’re here!

Top two finishers qualify for the next Champions League.  Right now, these two are #B and #3, respectively.  ENEH have played a game or two more than the teams around them in the table.  They’re not going to stay this high in all likelihood.   They don’t score enough, plain and simple.

Smouha, however, look to have the firepower to at least flirt with a top-two finish.  They will be hard-pressed to catch #1 El Zamalek (best O and D in the country) or hold of Al Ahly.  But so far, Smouha looks very balanced and sound.

RESULT:   2-2        Smouha blows an 0-2 halftime lead

  1. URA vs. Nyamityobora – Uganda Premier

Uganda’s top flite Is a league on the move.  They just cracked the CAF rankings for the first time recently, appearing at #18.   They’d have to move up a few more notches to qualify two teams to Champions League, but it’s a start.

It’s too early to perhaps say much, fewer than a half dozen matches into the season.  but #5 URA appear to be a Small Ball team – pack it in on defense, don’t try to even score much themselves.

Noob believes The Nyamity-ville Horror-obora just got Promoted to top tier this year.  Judging by their utter lack of defense, they’ll be headed right back down.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for that was horrible gifWhat, the play on words there?

Quiet, Adam Scott!   Don’t you have a “Krampus” sequel to go shoot?

  1. 1 de Agosto vs. Hulia – Angola Girabola

Congrats to Angola’s domestic top league!   Big jump coming in the 2019-20 rankings – #17 all the way to #9.

1dA didn’t need the league to have an extra berth into Champions League last season like it will get soon.  They only lost one match all last season.   How?  By only giving up eight goals in 28 matches.   Stifling.

Hulia finished 6th, as perfectly average as they could be, statistically.

RESULT:         is now slated for Sun., 11/4

That African stint can be so draining.  Let’s take a break for the third-ever installment of —

Noob’s Sandwich Reviewoobs!

@MLS on Twitter asked the important, obvious question.  Essentially, is a hot dog, in fact, a sandwich?

Among most noble apes, a sandwich is defined as any meat or other filling between two SLICES of bread.  Buns are NOT slices, or Noob’s name is John Montagu.

To be fair, one can find definitions and contexts where any pieces of bread – sliced or otherwise – are called “sandwich”.  I’m not here to argue against that.

Because it’s already been establish in Amuricuhn court of LAW.

In 2006, A Worcester, MS judge ruled against Panera in a heated case regarding a non-compete clause in a mall food court.  The judge allowed the mall could rent to Qdoba, that tacos and burritos were NOT sandwiches.  His or Her Honor formally told Panera, “Sit on it, Potsy” in the ruling and summary.

What’s fun is that most of that is true.

So — is a hot dog a sandwich?  No.  Heretical.  Illegal!

@MLS, thanks for the picture of the cute kid.  But Noob rates your sandwich question  at a mere two and a half out of five sandwiches on the Noob Sandwich Reviewoob sandwich rating scale.

  1. Ballymena United vs. Glenavon – Northern Ireland Football League Premiership

Next, we jet-set to Europe.  This is one of Europe’s very weakest domestic leagues.  In fact, it’s only semi-professional.  But hey — they’re playing!

They get just the one berth into Champions League.  Glenavon are #1 now, but they only lead Linfield by a point.  They lead the league in scoring, and trail just Linfield in defensive prowess (albeit by a lot).

#3 Ballymena are nicely balanced, but are ten points behind their league-leading hosts.  At least they’re in a position to perhaps get one of the league’s two automatic invites to Europa League.

RESULT:   Bally   2-1

Image result for flying first class funny

 

 

Mr. Bean always flies first class for NIFL Premiership.

  1. Kukesi vs. Flamutari – Albania Superliga

Our second and final stop on our European league takes us to the #34 league in UEFA.  Below average, but a damn sight higher than Northern Ireland.  Wheeeeeeee!

These are the #3 and #5 clubs there currently.  Kukesi are only four points in back of league leaders Skenderbau Korce, but that team’s been the power there for forever.  Even recently getting a 10-year ban from FIFA over match-fixing hasn’t seemingly slowed that bunch much.

If recent history holds, Kukesi won’t catch the Banned Ones or #B Tirana.  Flamutari are far less likely.   When the defense gets down to league average, those clubs won’t be able to stop the perennial title contenders.

RESULT:   Flamutari   1-2

  1. Melbourne City vs. Sydney FC – Australia A-League

The league season is just getting (Down) underway in OZ.  Yet already a big trophy has been awarded.   League defending champs Sydney FC just lost in the FFA Cup final to Adelaide.

Melbourne City finished #3 last year, a nice push for a team that’s historically only average there.  They were either lucky or tough or both, too, as they didn’t score a lot compared to their peers.

RESULT:   Sydney   0-3     Paulo Retre with a goal an an assist

Image result for Melbourne australia funny

 

 

So long from Melbourne!  

Apparently so violent, their club may soon get a Copa Libertadores invitation.

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – embrace the suckitude!

Start your work week by coddling, embracing the darkness of Monday.

Here are eight Matches of Suckitude, each featuring at least one club on the verge of getting booted out of their current league for poorest of performance.

But first, two matches of happier import —

  1. Braga vs. Sporting CP – Portugal Primeira Liga

Last year, this league was a four-team race.  These two came in 4th and 3rd.   It’s too early in the new season to draw hard conclusions, but they’re in the same positions now (well, reversed).

Watch this season to see if Sporting can get their offense up or Braga can shore up their D a touch.  Otherwise, they’ll likely stay where they were and are.   (3:15 PM EST, GOL TV)

RESULT:   Braga   1-0

B.  Verdes vs. Police United – Belize Premier

It’s time to get CONCACAFfeinated!    Noob does not care that that term may not necessarily be of his own invention (no idea) or that it may never catch on.   I’m increasing my focus on our federation, world region, and that’s that.   We’re going to know our neighbors.

The season is just a few matches in here, but it may not be too early to say that Verdes are one of only two clubs looking like they can win the title.  They’re #1 currently.  Police are part of a three-way tie for 3rd. But particularly on the road Noob would call a win by the visitors today a severe upset.

RESULT:   Verdes   3-0

Image result for letter B belize

Number B is for “Baboon Sanctuary” as well as “Belize”.

And now, the Matches of Suckitude!

  1. Krylya Sovetov Samara vs. Krasnodar – Russia Premier

Hey, they’re the 6th-ranked league in UEFA.  Russian gets prime slotting in the Track.  Get used it.  They’ll be 6th when the 2019 rankings start getting used, too.

So let’s learn some Russian!  Class, “Krylya Sovetov” means “crappy Soviet footsball”.  Repeat!

OK, that was a fib, a falsehood.  Noob confesses it before The Management has to interrupt, chastise me.  I think it means “wings”.  Given that one of their nicknames is “the feathers”, Noob feels confidence.

But they are crappy.  They just got Promoted, and they’re so far down the table it looks like at best they’ll have to play in a Relegation Playoff at season’s end to try and stay up.  They’ve scored all of two times in seven matches – league worst.  And if that’s because they’re trying to pack it in on defense – it ain’t workin’.

#4 Krasnodar will beat them by 1-2 goals in their own house today.

RESULT:   Krasnodar   0-3

  1. Vasco da Gama vs. Bahia – Brazil Serie A

We saw a lot of Bahia on Relegation Mondays last year.  They’re near the bottom now, too, but above the Cutline.

Vasco da Gama are the reason this matchup makes the Track.  They’re in third-to-last place, and four get Relegated when all’s said and done.  They just got off a four-match losing streak with a draw last time out.  But their offense – average for the league on the season – has very much disappeared of late.

Noob thinks VdG can hold down the fort against their visitors today, who are only two spots higher in the table.

RESULT:   VdG   2-1

Image result for vasco de gama fc funny

 

 

 

Quit stealing Noob’s schtick, historical Vasco de Gama!

  1. Guabira vs. Universitario – Bolivia Primera

Only one team will be automatically Booted out of this league, and that’s Universitario.  They finished last in the Apertura (first half-season), and sit firmly at the bottom now in the Clausura.  Noob thinks they must be allergic to the goal netting.  Sure don’t seem to like to defend their own.

If this were at the U., Noob might consider the match an even one.  Guabira are average statistically and don’t seem to win tight matches.  As things are, they’re a goal favorite for me on their own pitch.

You Make the Sad Panda Sad-Fact:   U. haven’t won either half-season tournament since 2014.

RESULT:   Guabira   2-0

  1. Tecnico Universitario vs. Universidad Catolica – Ecuador Serie A

They’re halfway through the Clausura in Ecuador.  Friends, Tecnico isn’t at the bottom of the year’s aggregate table, but two get kicked out soon and T.U. will absolutely be gone.

Strangely, a miracle run could conceivably and surprisingly begin today.  After a 3rd-place Apertura finish for this traditional power, they’re near the very bottom now in the Clausura.  Their defense was never A+, and now they’re goal-scoring as absolutely bottomed out.

RESULT:   Catolica   4-5    not a typo

Image result for tecnico universitario funny

 

I think this translates to “PBR me ASAP”.

 

(Related to Ecuadorian football?  Almost certainly not.   Noob’s give-a-crap factor? Zippo!)

  1. Odense vs. Horsens – Denmark Superliga

The league will eventually split into Championship and Relegation subdivisions.  Were that to happen today (very prematurely), Horsens would be in the bottom one.  They’re in 8th of 14.  But they won’t climb higher if they don’t improve on their league-worst offense.

Well, tied for league worst.  With second-to-last place Odense, among others.

Fun Fact:   Odense’s original home was a town that translates to “Monks bog”.

RESULT:   Odense   4-0       It’s a minor Monday miracle!

  1. Lillestrom vs. Tromso – Norway Eliteserien

You know what’s about to get Relegated?  My Windows touch keyboard feature.  I can make eight different o’s with just two clicks.  But unless the O with a slash through it is actually closer to some other later (seems doubtful), Noob cannot with ease make that one.

So just so Noobites no, Lillestrom’s would have the slash, and so would the last letter of Tromso.  Glad we could clear that up.

Oh yeah, um, and Lillestrom stinks.  Second-to-last.  Second division-bound.  Tromso is average.  Like my Windows touch keyboard on a good day.

RESULT:   Lillestrom   1-0

Image result for blame bill gates funny

 

 

Yes, young Bill Gates.  Not providing an easy Scandinavian O was criminal.

  1. Bali United Pusam vs. PS TIRA – Indonesia Liga 1

We Tracked a top Indonesian matchup yesterday and it had a late, dramatic finish.  So let’s go to the well again, but on the other end of the table.

PS TIRA are the only team in this league giving up more than to goals per match.  That’s heinous.  Their offensive capability gives them a modicum of hope.  They’re just a couple points from daylight, though they must leapfrog two teams to stay in Liga I.

B.U.P. are in a four-way tie for 3rd.  With their win yesterday, Bandung opened up their lead on the pack, but not by so much that the hosts will fall asleep today.  Especially in goal, their strength.

Fun Fact:  PS TIRA’s history goes back to the merger of a military club and one other.  Hence, they are “The Young Warriors”.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Wadi Degla vs. ENPPI – Egypt Premier

We finish our matches of melancholy, our soccer of suckitude, our football of…I don’t know.  The hour is late for Noob!—in the home of last place Wadi Degla.

In fairness, they’ve played 1-2 fewer matches than their peers.   And since it’s pretty early in the season, it’s fair to assume that they might only be just as bad as the three teams tied in the table right above them.

But no excuses!  Last is last, and you will feel the Tracking of the Monday for it.  Whatever that means.  Just score once in a while.  It’ll help.  You’ve eschewed the idea to date, and the strategy has been subpar.

ENPPI need to shore up their own D some, but play more than enough offense to call their 15th-place table position temporary.  They won’t compete for the league title, but they’ll climb plenty.   Probably starting today.

RESULT:   ENPPI   1-2

Image result for Wadi Degla

 

 

 

So long from the Wadi Degla canyon area, 12 k long, SE of the Cairo suburb of Maadi!

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday matches – feel the suckitude

On Monday’s, what with world soccer scheds being lighter, Noob introduces you to teams about to be Relegated.

Feel their pain.  Mondays are for pain.

  1. Queretaro vs. Tigres UANL – Liga MX Femenil

Noob’s beginning to think Queretaro only gets to play teams at the top of the table. we see them so much.   They’re 5th in Group 2 (of 2), taking on the #1 side today.   Neither side plays a ton of D.

Difference is, Tigres score like no one else.  Queretaro score…well, some.    Not enough.  They’ll get embarrassed by three today.

RESULT:   Tigres   1-2

B.  Southampton vs. Brighton & Hove Albion – English Premier League

The lone EPL match today features two sides that aren’t quite in Relegation position, but they aren’t far above it, and they were even closer to danger last year.

No matter how hard they pack it in on defense all season, neither will score enough to make midtable.   (3:00 PM EST, NBCSN)

RESULT:   2-2       B&HA with comes back from 0-2, getting equalizer at 90’+1

Image result for b is for bad

 

 

Number B refuses to be merely “bad”.

  1. Persepolis vs. Al-Duhail – AFC Champions League

Match two of this Semifinal!   This is a really even matchup for the Iranians.  Unfortunately, they trail 0-1 after the first match in Qatar.

RESULT:   Persepolis   3-1        On to the Final!

  1. RoPS vs. KuPS – Finland Veikkausliga

There may be just enough season left for #B RoPS to think they can still make a run at the title.  They’re down seven points to HJK, the class of the league.  KuPS are tied for 3rd, part of a tight pack of teams that score a ton, but give up toooooo many goals to be a threat to the top.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for aurora borealis finland lapland

 

Laplandic Finland (where RoPS are) gets about 10x as many Northern Lights sightings as down south.

 

And now – the Matches of Suckitude!

  1. Honka vs. PS Kemi – Finland Veikkausliga

More Finnish footyball?   You’ve got it, Noobites!   To the other end of the table we go.

Well, to see PS Kemi, anyway.   Honka the ones tied for 3rd with KuPS.  PS Kemi are in last place.  The bottom two will get Relegated.  They’re four points from daylight, so not without hope hypotherically.

Realistically?   They’re going to get doubled up on today.   Honka are that much better on both sides of the ball.

Fun Fact:    Each year, Kemi is once again home to the world’s largest snow castle.

RESULT:   Honka   2-1       Spanish international Borja Martin with both his team’s goals

  1. Hacken vs. Trellesborg – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Hacken are a real mystery to Noob.  They have a great goal differential on the season, yet sit midtable.  Perhaps that means if last place Trellesborg can keep things close, a Monday Miracle is possible!

Naaaaaah.  They stink to high heaven.

RESULT:   Hacken   2-1

Image result for smelly swede

 

 

 

No.

  1. Chapocoense vs. Internacional – Brazil Serie A

Four of the 20 clubs in this league will get The Boot at season’s end.  Chapo are tied for 17th.  They’re just two points from getting out of danger, but time is running out.  And league #B Internacional won’t be caught napping today, or any day.  They’re just a point out of 1st.

Fun Fact:   One of their nicknames is “The Chape Terror”.    Hmm.   Maybe they could terrorize second division next season.

RESULT:   Chape   2-1      We had to wait until the last Match of Suckitude of the day, but we got our Relegation Monday miracle!

  1. Misr El-Maqasa vs. El Hodood – Egypt Premier

El Hodood are very bad.  Noob find their name funny.  Largely because I’m so damn overmedicated for my neck and lower back both being waaaay out of alignment.

RESULT:   MEM   3-1

Image result for overmedicated funny

 

 

 

That image sure is.   Thanks for the nightmare-fodder.  Damn.

  1. Ural vs. Rostov – Russia Premier

How overmedicated?  Well, I was awoken yesterday by a coworker’s phone call.   I was so out of it, the dream I was having seemed more real for quite some time afterwards than the short conversation we’d had.

I’d been dreaming about opening a cheese sandwich shop in a mall in Des Moines, Iowa.   I was working out the particulars of whether or not to carry fresh mayonnaise to spread on the bread or go with prepackaged packets.

I wish I was making that up.   Nope.

Oh yes, Ural are ghastly and will lose by at least two.

Fun Fact:   Ural are the Bumblebees.    No punchline here, just the first club Noob’s found with that nickname.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. ES Setif vs. DRB Tadjenanet – Algeria Ligue 1

This league is just a few matches in, but that doesn’t stop Noob from sniffing out crappy soccer, oh no.   Today’s visitors are tied with a couple other clubs for third-to-last, a Relegation slot.  MC Oran will climb away from the awfulness soon enough, so DRBT might be on our craptastic-radar for a while.   They’re especially lazy on defense.

Since #3 ES Setif are also competing in the late stages of the CAF Champions League, perhaps they will not be prepared today, but that’s likely the only chance their guests today will have.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for tadjenanet

 

So long from Tadjenanet!

Yikes!   If this is their athletics scene, how crazy-violent are their football supporters?

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – ICC, Copa MX, UEFA Champions League lead the way

Noob’s on vacation in Howey-in-the-Hills, Florida.  Noobites will want to scroll back a Track or two to get extra details on some tournaments and leagues.

Otherwise, it’s keep calm and carry on with the footyball mini-previews!

Tuesday

  1. Barcelona vs. AS Roma – International Champions Cup

Roma got clocked by Arsenal in their first ICC match.  Barcelona beat Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur in penalties after regulation went 2-2.   Smart money would therefore be on Barcelona to come out on top today in Arlington, though smarter money would stay un-wagered to begin with.  ICC is just glorified friendlies, after all.

RESULT:   Roma   2-4

B.  Tapachula vs. Atletico de San Luis – Copa MX

When it comes to FA Cups, Noob’s always on the lookout for Minnow, underdogs.  Both these clubs are from Mexico’s second-tier league – Ascenso MX.

Tapachula finished 8th in the last Clausura (second half-season) standings, only qualifying for the Liguilla (postseason tournament) by virtue of beating out the 9th-place team deep on tiebreakers.  Yet on they went to win it!

San Luis finished just 10th, struggling on offense.  This will be a particularly interesting matchup because Tapachula excels on offense only.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for letter b animated gif

 

Here’s a dolphin and Number B excelling at their own sport.

  1. FC Sheriff Tiraspol vs. FK Shkendija – UEFA Champions League

This is the Second Qualifying Round – still a ways to go before the Group Stage, where purists say the event proper really begins.

These two were last season’s champions from the 38th and 34th-ranked leagues in UEFA.  Shkendija – out of Macedonia – won the first match of this two-legged tie 1-0.  Either they or the Moldovan domestic league champions will advance to the Third Q.R. to play Red Bull Salzburg out of Austria.

RESULT:   0-0    And so Shkendija advances on aggregate

Wednesday

  1. Arsenal vs. Chelsea – International Champions Cup

Premier League is just a couple weeks from kicking off, and here we get something of a preview.

These are two clubs that had disappointing league seasons last year.  In this event, Arsenal have lost in penalties to Barcelona and destroyed Paris Saint-Germain.  Chelsea have played just one of their three matches, losing in penalties to Inter Milan.  Today’s match is in Dublin.   (3:00 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Arsenal   1-1  /  6-5 pk

Image result for England vs ireland funny

 

 

 

Not soccer-related.

Noob neither has nor needs a reason.

  1. Orange County vs. Portland Timbers II – United Soccer League

With MLS on All-Star break, we shift our gaze to America’s second division.

There’s a widening gap in the Western Conference between the top five and the rest of the pack.  Orange County are in a three-way tie for 3rd, while Portland are one of the best of the rest in 6th.  Top eight will make the Playoffs.

It’s Timbers II’s defense that keeps them from breaking into the upper echelon.   Noob thinks they’ll make the playoffs, but as the bottom seed, not 6th.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Midtjylland vs. Astana – UEFA Champions League

The Second Qualifying Round rolls along.  Noob’s selected this one to feature for the competitiveness.

Denmark’s second-best club is probably just an even match on their own pitch against Kazakhstan’s top club.  Astana won the first match in tie two-legged tie 2-1.  The winner will next face Dinamo Zagreb, Croatia’s top entrant.

RESULT:   0-0     Onward and upward for Astana

Image result for Denmark weird

 

 

Denmark – where you can sleep in a giant beer can.

  1. Akwa United vs. Lobi Stars – Nigeria Pro League

Hello, Nigerian Pro League, it’s been a while!  Have you lost a little weight?  You look sensational.

This league has been ranked #12 in Africa, the lowest spot that still allows the club to qualify two clubs to the CAF Champions League.  The rankings for next year’s competitions have already come out and Nigeria will have fallen a little.

So this year so far, these are the two clubs in line for CL berths, #1 and #B in the table.  But the table is tight at the top.  The teams tied for 3rd are just three points out of Bth , and two more are just a point below them.  Noob thinks Kano Pillars may be the best team in the league, will jump one of these two if they quit getting so darn many draws.

RESULT:     ppd

8.  Zapatepec vs. Cruz Azul – Copa MX

Last Clausura, Zapatepec finished fourth in Ascenso MX.  Trouble on both sides of the ball, yet perhaps their success is of guts and grit.  Cruz Azul finished in 12th in Liga MX.

Noobstradamus hasn’t been divining a great deal of late, and so his vision was a bit cloudy.  Look a for at least a tie and perhaps even a full-on upset by the home side.

RESULT:   Cruz Azul   2-3

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Cloudy?  I never used that word.  I am the all-seeing Noobstradamus!

(Maybe I said “murky…”)

 

Thursday

  1. U.S.A. vs. Brazil – Tournament of Nations

This four-team event has it’s third and final pair of matches in the round robin today, this time taking their tour to Chicagoland.  The standings don’t matter, as this is a stand-alone set of friendlies.  But they’ve carried a little more weight than some (I.C.C.) since these are something of a tuneup for the 2019 women’s World Cup.

U.S.A. and Australia are in a dead heat for 1st, Brazil just a point behind them.  Aus could sneak in and take home the trophy today, as they have 0-2 Japan today.

RESULT:   U.S.A.   4-1

  1. Ah Ahly vs. Ismaily – Egyptian Premier League

Al Ahly absolutely wrecked this league last year, and this is the best league on the continent by far.  Lots of teams in the world carry the name “Ahly”, but this is the one to know.  Ismaily finished a distant #B in 2017-18.  This is the first match of the new season for both.

RESULT:   1-1     Mo Sherif got a goal for the hosts at 90′ to salvage a draw.

Image result for cairo hidden gems

 

 

 

So long from Cairo, where Noob will be hitting the Khan Al Kahili Bazaar after the match.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches (4/24-26) – bring us Champions Leagueness!

Time for Midweek Madness!   OK, Noob doesn’t really think there’s any more madness Tuesday-Thursday than any other time.  But chicks dig alliteration.  I’m sure of it.

Tuesday, 4/24

  1. Liverpool vs. AS Roma – UEFA Champions League

The Semifinals are here!  These two both surprised world soccer giants last round to advance.  This is the first match of a two-legged tie.

Noobites, you can of course find all manner of highly-detailed previews on many sites.  Our purpose here is fun, learning/increased awareness, and packaged in zaniness many times.  But Noob will offer up one particular angle.

Footballdatabase.com appears to use the chess world’s ELO formula -or a modified version of it- to rate clubs.  I find it very accurate.  Today, these two rate as 1966 and 1872, respectively.  Think of, oh, borderline Grandmaster vs. very solid Expert.

So, based on evidence I’ve casually tracked since starting this site, Noob’s calling Liverpool not quite a 1.5 goal favorite today.  Take it to the bank!  (Of course, I don’t think soccer betting is run with point spreads, so maybe just stick it in an old mattress.)   (2:45 PM Eastern, FS 1)

RESULT:   Liverpool   5-2

Image result for elo rating formula

B.  Penn FC vs. Nashville FC – USL

Penn FC were Harrisburg City Islanders previously. This is not a new club, just a rebranding.  Nashville are an expansion club.

Penn did not win any of their first matches. Nashville is a .500 club so far, but Noob thinks they’ve been either lucky or gritty so far.   Penn gets their first W today.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for brand B

 

 

Gotta be honest, Number B.  Not the most creative rebranding there.

 

 

 

Deeper Dive:  any of the three Copa Libertadores matches, Bulgarian FA Cup semifinal, China FA Cup matches, or either League of Ireland (not FA) Cup match.

Wednesday, 4/25

  1. Guadalajara vs. Toronto FC – CONCACAF Champions League

The Final!  Guadalajara took the first league in Canadia 1-2.  Toronto can’t just win 0-1 today in order to tie things up.  They’d lose on the away-goals tiebreaker.

Toronto have had a miserable start to their MLS season.  They’re out of gas.  The Guad Squad is going to get to put on a show.  Rather than just sit on the ball and milk their lead, this feels to Noob like a 3-0 rout.   (9:30 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Toronto 1-2 in regulation      But Guad wins the title 4-2 in pk’s.   Heartbreak for Toronto.  Guad should’ve been down a man to a red card much of the second half when one of their players punched a Toronto player right in the stomach, 10′ from a ref with a clear view.  Not even a foul called.

  1. Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

Two +2000 Grandmaster clubs.  Noob might’ve thought the winner will be a heavy favorite to take the title.  But Bayern didn’t completely dominate a Sevilla team that they should’ve in the Quarters.  And Real nearly blew a big lead to Juventus.

Bayern have been scoring – at least in league play – like gangbusters.  Noob’s calling this one as 3-1 for the home side, as they can control the pace at home.   (2:45 PM, FS1, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Real   1-2

Image result for grandmaster flash

 

 

Grandmaster Flash carried an ELO rating of a billion.

  1. Boca Juniors vs. Palmeiras – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of Champions League continues its group stage.  The top two finishers from each Group of four will advance.

Boca are Argentina’s #1-ranked entry into this event.  Palmeiras are the #3 from Brazil.  Yet Palmeiras are the ones leading this Group, and by two over their hosts today.  They’d take a draw in a heartbeat.

Boca will look to push and play for the win, get more distance in the table over Atletico Junior of Colombia.   (8:45 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Palmeiras   0-2

  1. FC Tokyo vs. Sanfrecce Hiroshima – J1 League

The league season is almost ten games in, yet Noob wonders if this is the first Track-worthy match we’ve seen from Japan.

Hiroshima finished near the bottom of the table last year.  Now?  They’ve not lost once. FC Tokyo finished low enough last year that Noob thought perhaps they’d just been promoted from J2.  Even at #B, they trail FCT by nine in the table.

RESULT:   Tokyo   3-1

Image result for sanfrecce mascot

 

 

Hiroshima’s mascots striking poses

  1. Zlin vs. Jablonec – Czech FA Cup

There are many FA Cups matches being played around Europe today.  The Czech Cup semifinal today pits two teams from the #13 league in Europe, the highest ranking represented this week.

Zlin are in 9th in the league this year.  Given their awful GD, Noob’s not sure how they’ve managed even that.  They’ll get all they can handle from their 6th-place guests.

Aaaand then the winner will get smooshed by Slavia Prague in the Final.    And then they’ll pee their pants, the end.

RESULT:   Jablonec   0-1

Deeper Dive:  #3 Ranheim vs. #1 Brann, Norway Eliteserien; #3 Maritzburg United vs. #1 Mamelodi Sundowns, South Africa Premier; #2 Suwon Bluewings vs. #3 Gyeongnam FC, South Korea K1 League; #4 Prachuap vs. #3 Chiangrai United, Thai 1 League; any China FA Cup matches, Brazil FA Cup Round of 16 matches, or FA Cup semis from Bulgaria, Cyprus, or Denmark

Thursday, 4/26

  1. Arsenal vs. Atletico Madrid – Europa League

UEFA’s secondary continental tournament has reached its Semifinals.  This is the first match of a two-legged tie.

Arsenal better hope they get some sort of lift perhaps trying to win this thing as a tribute to now-departing manager Arsene Wenger, because Atletico is probably by far the strongest team remaining.  He’d been with the club over 20 years, but either gracefully stepped aside or was forced out less than a week ago.   (3:05 PM, FS1, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1     Atletico had a player and their manager kicked out 10 minutes into the match.  Arsenal still couldn’t take care of business.

Image result for arsene wenger sad face

  1. Lillestrom vs. Sarpsborg – Norway Super Cup

Super Cups usually happen right as the league season is beginning, pitting last year’s FA Cup champs against the defending league champs.  This one was delayed because of wintry conditions.  Shock me.

Lillestrom only finished 12th in league last year.  They qualified for this by beating Sarpsborg in the FA Cup final.  Sarpsurg has started a little slowly this season, but it’s very early.  Lillestrom – who host today – aren’t doing any better than in 2017.

RESULT:   Sarpsborg   0-1     Congrats!

  1. Al Ahly vs. El Zamalek – Egypt Premier

Noob ends the midweek Track honoring the champions of Africa’s #1 league.  With two matches to go, Al Ahly lead the next team up by a mind-boggling 21 points in the table.

Zamalek are in 3rd.  This is their final league match.  They can’t catch #B Ismaily for a Champions League berth, but they could themselves be passed by #4 Al Masry.  3rd place gets into the Confederations Cup, Africa’s version of Europa League.

RESULT:   Zamalek   1-2

Image result for mind boggling facts

 

OK, that’s mind-boggling

 

 

Deeper Dive:  any of the Copa Libertadores matches; Denmark’s FA Cup semifinal; #B Partizan vs. #4 Radnicki, Serbia Superliga, #3 Hapoel Katamon Jerusalem vs. #1 Hapoel Tel Aviv, Israel Leumit Liga (second-tier)

’10 to Track’ for Globetrotting Friday (4/13) – from Liga MX to…Macau?

Noob is travelling 600 miles for a wedding this weekend.  Yet how many frequent miles are we going to collect trotting the globe for our footyball fix today?   So, so many more.

We start the Ten today close to home, then flit away to soccer hinterlands!

  1. Vancouver Whitecaps vs. LAFC – MLS

So far it looks like MLS’ one expansion team this season – LAFC – is fortunate to be a Western Conference club.  The East looks much stronger.  Still, being a shiny new team and having made the biggest signing of the season gets their game the #1 slot in today’s Track.

Despite finishing 3rd in their conference last season, Vancouver looked merely average last season.  This season the number seems similar, yet there they are in #B (though it’s early).

RESULT:   LAFC   0-2

B.  Philadelphia Union vs. Orlando City – MLS

Your MLS undercard is two teams that didn’t make the playoffs last year.   Orlando, at least, are playing better this young season, in the top six.  Philly isn’t scoring or allowing much, and the strategy isn’t working for them so far.

But remember!  The most important thing is to never, ever root for a Swamp City team.  Looking at you, Orlando.  In the words of the philosophy’s founder, The Management: “Orlando is a giant strip mall raised out of the swamp by a bunch of mice-men.”

We look forward to your comments, central Floridians!  (8:00 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   Orlando   0-2

Image result for orlando flooded

 

 

Get to higher ground – like Georgia.  Can root for Atlanta Utd. then at least.

  1. Tijuana vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX

Guadalajara just advanced to the CONCACAF Champions League final a couple nights ago.  Yet they’re only in 15th in Liga MX.  While only three points out of eighth and a postseason playoff (Liguilla) berth, they just have too many teams to jump in their last three matches.

Tijuana are in a three-way tie for 7th.  They’re the best of those three.  Plus, it will be interesting to see of the Quad Squad doesn’t rotate some back-ups in, save up for the first leg of the CCL Final in four days.  (10:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Tijuana   3-0

  1. Hamrun Spartans vs. Lija Athletic – Malta Premier

Historically strategic militarily?  You betcha!  Soccer powerhouse?   Well… the league ranks 47 out of 55 in Europe.  Yet this is why we trot the globe.

Malta’s top league has been dominated by three teams through the years.   These ain’t them.  Hamrun are a middling team.  Lija will be trotting back down to the country’s second division forthwith.  They’ve won just one game all season.

Fun Fact:  Longtime Spartan Stefan Sultana is the league’s all-time leading scorer, with 252 goals.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for stefan sultana

 

His stare and jawline are responsible for 159 of the goals.

  1. Gjilani vs. Feronikeli – Kosovo Super League

Kosovo’s is UEFA’s newest league.   They rank last, technically because they just haven’t accumulated any international play-points.  It’s still probably realistic.  Let’s get to know the new neighbors!

Drita lead the league.  While not running away with it, they’re only very close competition is Prishtina, which is the best club from the former Yugoslavian league to play in Kosovo’s.  These two featured today are 7th and 5th-place.

Fun Facts:  The city Gjilan has a pop. of over 50,000 and over 90,000 in the municipality.  Their stadium seats an impressive 10,000.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Ismaily vs. Al Masry – Egypt Premier

Africa’s highest-ranked league sports a fine matchup today.  #B hosts #4 in a battle for the league’s second CAF Champions League berth.  (Historic powerhouse Al Ahly has already claimed 1st place).

Ismaily is eight points up on their guests, but only six up on the team in between.  They’ve not lost since mid-February.  Al Masry has only lost twice since 2018 began.

RESULT:     ppd

Image result for chris kattan mango

 

One of Ismaily’s club nicknames is “The Mango”.

Maybe not the Chris Kattan-Mango…

  1. Al Anwar vs. Al Hilal – Libya Premier

Libya’s top league is ranked 14th, and that’s not awful.  The top dozen earn two invites to CL.  The league is divided into four Groups for much of the season.  The winners of each will play off to determine who earns berths into CL and Confederation Cup (Africa’s version of Europa League).

They’re only a few games into their season, but Hilal are #B and just three points out of 1st.  Anwar is 4th, doesn’t seem to score enough to look like a threat.

  1. Guangzhou Evergrande vs. Shangahi Shenhua – Chinese Super League

Time for Asia’s #1 league!   The season there is just five games old.   Last year’s champ, Evergrande, is #B.  Shenhua is an interesting case.  They only finished 11th last year, yet won the country’s FA Cup.  Currently they are in 4th.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for chinese football funny

  1. Tak Chun Ka I vs. CPK – Macau Liga de Elite

Macau is a tiny little city near Hong Kong, an autonomous region in and of China.  Well, tiny in geographic size.  It’s 650,000 residents make it the most densely-populated place in the world.  Their league is ranked #35 out of 46 in Asia.  These are the #5 and #B teams in their young season.

Fun Fact:  Ka I won the league three straight years, 2012-14.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Safa vs. Al Akhaa Al Ahli – Lebanon Premier

We finish the Track with the #21 league in Asia.  These two are 3rd and 4th-place, respectively.  They’re both way behind the top two in the table.

Fun Fact:  Safa are the club supported by the Druze ethno-religious of the country.  Theirs is a faith that descents from a branch of Islam, though is not generally thought of as Islamic.

RESULT:    AAAA   1-2

Image result for druze faith

 

 

A flowchart from druzenet

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday! (3/19)

Schedules around the world get light on Mondays.  Instead of getting sad, we embrace the sadness to be found!   Let’s get to know some teams that are about to get unceremoniously kicked out of their current leagues.

  1. Bray Wanderers vs. Waterford – Irish Premier

This league is only six games into its season.  But Bray Wanderers haven’t won a game (and only even drawn one), so Noob doesn’t feel a bit bad about calling them Relegation fodder.  They’re only scoring a goal every other game on average, and giving up a staggering 3x as many.

Waterford won the second-tier First League of Ireland last season and are in 3rd place now.

Fun Fact:  Bray is a smallish resort town, just a dozen miles southeast of Dublin’s center.

RESULT:     ppd

Image result for bray ireland

B.  Slavia Sofia vs. Pirin Blagoevgrad – Bulgaria Pro League

With just a game to go in the regular season, both these clubs are already “qualified” for the Relegation Playoff.  But seeding counts.  Slavia Sofia would move from #B to #1 with a win today.  Blagoevgrad would jump several spots to #B with a win.

Fun Fact:  “The White Avalanche” that is Slavia Sofia are one of three teams from nation’s capital.  The other two are in the Championship division of the league, and probably laugh at them relentlessly.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for laughing at you meme

 

Srsly?

We try to hold ourselves to a higher standard when allowed the #B list position.

  1. Sepsi vs. Voluntari – Romania Liga I

Romania’s league has divided into Championship and Relegation Playoff halves now.  Sepsi are in third-to-last, Voluntari in third in this grouping.

Fun Fact:  The Voluntari are quite displeased to be in the Relegation Playoff.  They assumed their position as head vampire family of the world would qualify them for the Championship grouping.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for volturi fighting

 

 

It seems the vampire soccer Voltori blame Robert Pattinson.

 

 

The Management would like to apologize yet again for Noob’s unalterable belief that the Voltori of the Twilight literary and cinematic world are real, and play professional soccer to boot.  Rest assured, the other information therein contained is accurate.

You know, The Management, Dakota Fanning is gonna bite your head clean off.

Vampires don’t do that!

*snicker*

Dammit, Noob, you suckered me into this nonsense again.  Asshat.

  1. Leones vs. Independiente Medellin – Colombia Premier

Leones are in 13th here in the Apertura (first half-season).  But this league determines Relegation using three years of results, and Leones are second-to-last in that.  There, they are in second-to-last.  Medellin is in 3rd, primed for a road win.

Fun Fact:  Leones home city of Itagui is in the Aburra Valley.  Medellin is the biggest city in the region.

RESULT:   Indeoendiente   0-2

  1. Luqueño vs. Santani – Paraguay Premier

Santani were just promoted, and while it’s early, look like they will be sent right back down.  They’re in second-to-last on Relegation table.  Their hosts today are no powerhouse, but a road win will still be hard to come by.

Fun Fact:  Santani the town is named for a Polish priest, presumably Jesuit.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Al Nasr vs. Misr Al-Maqasa – Egypt Premier

Al Nasr are buried in last place, nine points from being clear of Relegation.  The Second Division is all but a mathematical certainty for them now.  They’ll get a chance to save a tiny bit of face as they host below average Maqasa.

Fun Fact:   Nine of the teams in this league are from Cairo, including Al Nasr.  There isn’t a single one in the Second Division though.

RESULT:   Maqasa   0-1

Al Nasr SC Egypt.png

 

 

What a weird crest.   Is it a winged skull of a bovine, Al Nasr?

  1. Erzgebirge vs. Greuther Furth – 2. Bundesliga

Erzgebirge would almost climb out of the Relegation Zone in Germany’s second division with a win today.  Well, they will if they beat this team – one higher than them in the table – by 3+ goals.

Fun Fact:  Aue – home to Erzgebirge – is a town of just 18.000, the smallest to ever have a team playing this high in the German football league system.

RESULT:   Erzge   2-1      Still in the Relegation Zone, but now only down to GF on GD

  1. Carpi vs. Pro Vercelli – Serie B

A lot is at stake for both teams here.  PV is in third-to-last.  They’d have to climb three more spots to be completely clear of the Drop Zone, but even climbing one would do them good.  Then they would play in a Relegation Playout, have a chance to stay up.

Carpi are in 9th.  It sounds better when one knows 3rd through 8th place will play a mini-tournament at season’s end to decide a team that gets promoted to Italy’s top flight.

Fun Fact:  PV actually have seven national titles to their credit!  But they were all won between 1908 and 1922.

RESULT:   Carpi   2-0

Image result for stadio silvio piola

  1. Hapoel Bnei Lod vs. Maccabi Herzliya – Israeli Leumit League

The top half of this 16-team second-tier league will play Championship Playoffs, the other half dueling to not get demoted.

Bnei Lod are in 11th.  It would take a minor miracle for them to jump the necessary teams and climb no fewer than seven points in the table to get to play for the title.  Herzliya are in second-to-last, and there they will remain, nowhere close to climbing a notch or falling to last.

Fun Fact:  Herzliya, the town, is a hoity-toity town in the northern part of greater Tel Aviv.

RESULT:   Bnei Lod   3-1

  1. Huesca vs. Sporting Gijon – Spain Segunda B

Noob finishes off today’s Track with a game of hope and comparative happiness.  Neither club in danger of getting The Boot.  Quite the opposite.

The top two will be automatically promoted to La Liga, and Huesca are in 1st!  But two teams trail them by just three points.

Gijon was demoted last year, looking to get back to top flight.  3rd through 6th place will have a playoff for the third and final promotion at regular season’s end.  They’re unlikely to crack top two, but should be in that playoff.

Fun Fact:  Huesca is home to a bloody legend about a monk who cut off the heads of 12 disobedient nobles.

RESULT:   Gijon   0-2

Image result for bell of huesca

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (3/5) – Suck less, Crystal Palace!

Relegation Monday — Noob’s weekly delving into the table-bottoms of so many leagues.  It’s a catacomb of crappiness, a celebration of suckitude!  Let’s get to know these lowbies before they’re given The Boot.

First, we feature three non-Relegation matches:

  1. Finn Harps vs. Mayo League – Irish League Cup

What is this event:  It is not Ireland’s FA Cup.  This is a Knockout competition for the top two leagues’ teams, plus whichever other ones the powers-that-be felt like inviting to bring the total number up to 24.  While those extras are mostly third-division clubs, this match is different.

The Mayo League is county-level, 7th-tier, and it’s amateurs and kids!  Noob’s honestly not certain if this is select players from various teams in the league or one simply one existing team from there, but I imagine this is the thrill of a lifetime for them.  Finn Harps were Relegated to second-division last year.  Will it be competitive?  Probably not.  Does that matter to Noob?  Absolutely not.

RESULT:     ppd due to wearher

Image result for mayo association football league

 

 

An enviable, elegant league crest.  Well-done.

B.  Nasaf Qarshi vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

The Group Stage continues in Asia’s premier event.  Pods of four teams, each plays a double-round robin.  Top two from each advance to the Knockout Stage.  These two are from Uzbeikstan (9th-best Asian league) and Qatar (6th-best).  Ability-wise, these clubs would be right at home in MLS.

Al-Sadd is 2-0, Qarshi 1-0-1.  The Uzbeks have already been drubbed by Persepolis, with whom they are tied.  They’re going to have to pull an upset at some point in order to move on.  This is a bad matchup for them though, as Al-Sadd have offensive firepower they don’t.

RESULT:   Qarshi   1-0      Or Noob could be mistaken.  Uzebek, ho!

Image result for Group of letter B

 

 

Yup.  Group of Four of Number B’s.

  1. Portugal vs. Norway – Algarve Cup

The Group Stage continues in this historically shiny women’s tournament as well.  The format’s a tiny bit strange.  The 12 teams are divided into Pods of three.  Each club plays the others once.  Then the teams are paired off in king-of-the-hill matchups to end the event, 1st playing 2nd, 3rd playing 4th, etc.  Since there are an odd number of Groups, that’s a little crazytown.

Noob continues to give his love to the host Portuguese.  They came in with the lowest FIFA ranking of all teams competing, yet are tied for first in their Group.  Norway is just a point behind.

RESULT:   Portgual   2-0

OK, that was grand.  Now, could we please inhabit the darkness of Relegation zones?  You betcha!

  1. Crystal Palace vs. Manchester United – English Premier

Palace haven’t won a match since January, and so occupy a Relegation spot (third-to-last).  The only things they could possibly have going for them are 1) that Man Utd. might overlook them, B)  Man Utd. might relax just because they’re Champions League berth-top four finish looks secure, and 3) Palace’s own desperation.  (3:00 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Fun Fact:  Palace is named for the building in which they were founded, a massive exhibition hall in Hyde Park, London.

RESULT:   2-2     So close!   Palace actually led 2-0.

  1. Celta Vigo vs. Las Palmas – La Liga

Like Palace, Las Palmas are in the “last” Relegation spot in their league.  They’re only a point behind Levante, but that’s the only team could possibly catch.  They’re not going to.  Even 1tth place Celta Vigo can overwhelm them at home.

Noob hopes beyond hope for them though.  They’re from the Canary Islands, and I have in inexplicable fondness for teams from such areas.  (3:00 PM, beIN Sports)

Fun Fact:  Actor Javier Bardem is from Las Palmas.

RESULT:   CV   2-1

  1. Estudiantes vs. Olimpo – Argentina Premier

Argentina’s top league Relegates based on four years of results.  Olimpo’s one disastrous 2016 is looking likely to cost them membership in the Premier.  They’re in second-to-last this season, not doing anything to help their cause.  Estudiantes are having a subpar year for them, but still in 11th.

Fun Fact:  Fishing sharks from both boats and bay piers is becoming a very popular recreational activity.

RESULT:   Estudiantes   1-0

Image result for fishing shark argentina

 

 

Wait, he went in  that little boat??

  1. Apollon Smirnis vs. Panetolikos – Greek Superleague

10th place Panetolikos is as average a team as can be found in Greece.  And so Noobstrdamus is calling this one for the second-to-last place “Light Brigade”!

Not “Fun”, But Interesting Fact:  Smirnis was founded in Smyrna in the 19th C., but expelled from there during the fighting between Turkey and Greece which followed WWI.  They are now based in Athens.

RESULT:   Smirnis   2-1     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle and a Noober success!

  1. Macabbi Haifa vs. Hapoel Haifa – Israeli Premier

The battle for Haifa!   In truth, it could be a bit more dramatic.  There’s a wide gap between the top six and bottom eight in this league, so it’s already known which teams have made the title playoffs and which will play Relegation playoffs.  Macabbi are in 10th, Hapoel 4th.

Fun Fact:  These two share a 30.000+ seat stadium, Sammy Ofer Stadium.

RESULT:   HH   0-3

Image result for sammy ofer

 

 

The shipping magnate himself

9.  Al Mokawloon Al Arab vs. Tanta – Egypt Premier

Tanta is in the last Relegation spot, meaning they have the best chance to move up and out.  They’re just two points behind Wadi Degla.  Al Mokawloon are in 8th.  They like a wide open game, so should take care of business at home against defensively-struggling Tanta.

Fun Fact:  About 3 million people come to Tanta annually, at the end of the cotton harvest there.  The city is home to well under half a million.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Dunav Ruse vs. CSKA-Sofia – Bulgaria First Pro League

Just like Israel, this league will split into title playoffs (6 teams) and Relegation Playoffs (8 teams).  Dunav Ruse are in third-to-last.  It would take a miracle for them to climb to top six at this point.

CSKA-Sofia are #B in the league, with all-but-dashed hopes (six points back) of catching #1 Ludogorets Razgrad for the regular season title.  Ruse’s hope lies in CSKA-Sofia possibly not caring about this one.  That’s it.  Because they score and defend literally three times better than Ruse.

Fun Fact:  Ruse may come from the name (Rusa, meaning “blonde”) for a female founder of the city from the 13th-14th C.

RESULT:   CSKA-Sofia   0-2

Image result for old Blonde Bulgarian woman

 

 

And wow, and she doesn’t look a day over 550.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday! After FA Cup, things go haywire today

The Management here.  Relegation Monday is where Noob mostly takes advantage of a lighter day on the world schedule to focus on clubs that might soon be dropped down to the next-lowest leagues.  And he does here.  Sort of.

But I’m taking over direct editorial duties today for what will shortly be obvious reasons.  Things start off reasonably sane, but then look out.

(Noob’s getting ready to move from an antidepressant to a mood stabilizer.  The Management almost wonders if we shouldn’t allow it, just to see how much more…THIS this can all get.)

Hey, I don’t remember signing off on my HIPAA rights!

Hush now, “talent”.  The Management will make everything okay.

  1. Wigan Athletic vs. Manchester City – English FA Cup

Wigan’s in third-tier League One.  They were just Relegated last season and are in position to move right back up to second division Championship League.

And their success in that quest won’t help them a lick today.  The visitors will cruise.  Premier #1 Manchester City’s English power could replace the God Particle concept in The Cloverfield Paradox.

RESULT:   Wigan   1-0     

What an upset!!  Wigan played great defense in the first half.  Then at the very end of the first half,  a Man City defender was given a red card.  

Even down to ten men, Man City dominated the second half statistically.  Except for on the scoreboard.

Wigan are Man City’s FA CUP-kryptonite.  These two also faced off in 2013 and 2014, and Wigan won those as well.

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Nice work, Dan the Intern-o Inferno.

Wait!!  That’s the god particle from Angels & Demons.  WRONG movie. 

Time for the paddle.

 B.  Al-Ahli vs. Al-Jazira – AFC Champions League

This event is early in its Group Stage.   Pods of four, double Round Robin, top two finishers in each advance to the next Round.

Al-Ahli is #B in the Saudi Pro League this year, easily in position to play this event next year, too.  Al-Jazira from U.A.E.  may have won their Pro-League last season, but they’re only in 5th now, and mostly by virtue of lots of draws.  It will be interesting to see if can put up any fight on the road today.

RESULT:   Al-Ahli   2-1    Not as dramatic as Game #1 above.  Al-Jazira scored a 90′ goal.

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Number B is ready to put up a fight.

  1. Lazio vs. Hellas Verona – Serie A

Lazio is in 5th place in Italy, only two points out of 4th and a Champions League invite for next year.   They will not sleep a bit on anyone.  Bad news for second-to-last Hellas Verona.  Neither team plays good defense, but Lazio has a high-level offense.

RESULT:   Lazio   2-0

The Management:  Okay, here we go down the rabbit hole now.  I’ll give you brief soccer info since Noob went fritz-y.

CJ is in last place in the multi-year Relegation table.  PdP is not that good.

  1. Patronato de Parana vs. Chacarita Juniors – Argentine Super League

Noob’s brain hurts.  When is it “Argentine” versus “Argentinian”?  If I can’t get a lexicographer on this, isn’t there a video assistant referee available at least?  Someone, anyone??

Crap on a cracker, where’s that Dan the Intern-o Inferno?  Research time, slave-boy!

RESULT:   PdP   3-0

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  1. Vitosha Bistrista vs. Dunav Ruse – Bulgaria First Pro League

This league does a Relegation avoidance event at regular season’s end with the bottom half or so of the table.  Good thing for these two, because otherwise they’d be gone, baby, gone.  Second-to-last visits 0-5-15 here.  VB gives up more than two goals per game average.

RESULT:   Dunav Ruse   1-2

(The Management:   Nice recovery.)

  1. AGF Aarhus vs. SonderjyskE – Danish Superliga

Why doesn’t my virtual touch keyboard allow me to do the special O with the diagonal line through it?  If Noob’s going to put in the effort, there are things I require!  Stupid Elvish runic malarkey anyway.   Tolkein’s trying to ruin my Monday.

And what the blazes is up with that capital E at the end of the visiting club’s name?  That’s not a typo, Noobites.

RESULT:   0-0

(The Management:  Two teams in the bottom half of the league that will play in the Relegation avoidance event at season’s end probably.)

  1. Gornick Zabreze vs. Termalica Nieciecza – Poland Ekstraklasa

OK, Noob apologizes to JRR Tolkien.  Elvish runic poppycock is easier to deal with than Niecknaczalgna-whatever.  Are you kidding me with that, Poland?

RESULT:   GZ   3-0

(The Management:  #4 versus second-to-last)

(The Management:  Below, two mid-pack teams.  Botosani’s in 8th, barely in the Relegation avoidance mix.)

  1. Viitorul Constata vs. Botosani – Romania Liga I

Ahhhhh.  Noob’s reentering his Happy Place.  Sweet, sweet double-i’s make everything better.  I could mainline double-I, OD and not care a whit.  Maybe tomorrow Noob will scout a good midweek match from the Estonian Meistrliiga.  Liiiiii-gah.

RESULT:   VC   2-1

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El Primo Padre knows what’s up.

Double i’s should be sainted.

  1. Al Ahly vs. Al Nasr – Egypt Premier

First vs. Last.  The only thing more Monday perfect may be when the bottom two in a table face off, like with the Bulgarian FecalFest from earlier.

RESULT:   Al Ahly   5-0

(The Management:  FecalFest?   Well, at least there was some soccer in there.  Finally calming down?)

  1. Racing de Casablanca vs. Ittihad Tanger – Morocco Botola Pro

Noob needs his progressive trifocals prescription updated.  I read this on my scouting sites as “Tiger” not “Tanger” until it was almost too late.

And “Independent Tiger” wouldn’t make a ton of sense anyway.  Noob’s faculties, such as they are, are failing.  I long for the sweet dirt nap.  Bring me reprieve, release, Relegation Monday!

RESULT:   Tanger   1-2

(The Management:  *head desk*)

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’10 to Track’ for Relegation Monday (1/29): Drop Zone daisies try to see some sun

The ‘ten most important games to follow for us, the newish American fans’, takes it weekly turn to the Dark Side.  Nine teams trying to claw their way to some daylight outside their leagues’ Relegation Zones get featured.

Let’s get to know them before they get the boot.  They must be crap, since match #10 and out only non-Relegation match today is Scottish.

  1. Tucumán vs. Temperley – Superliga Argentina

Argentina’s premier division Relegates four of their teams annually.  That feels like a lot until you consider the league is 28 teams deep.  Rather than just booting the lowest-performing ones each season, they consider results going back three more years.

Temperley is 24th in the table this season, but third-to-last on that Relegation table.   They could still save themselves, but need a turnaround toward at least a mediocre 2018.  Unlikely, given they don’t even average one goal per game.

RESULT:   Tucuman   3-0

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The Buddha wishes to help Temperley with their quest for mediocrity.

B.  Istanbul Basaksehir vs. Karabukspor – Turkey Super Lig

Could last place-Karabukspor end up with less than zero goals in a match?  They aren’t even close to having the second-worst league offense, and #2 Istanbul sports the best defense.

Fun Fact:  The city of Karabük’s name translates to “blackbush”.

RESULT:   Istanbul   5-0

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Everybody’s loves you, Number B!   

Just have to get used to it.

  1. Smouha vs. Wadi Degla – Egypt Premier

Smouha sits in 4th place, good for a berth into Africa’s version of Europa League, five points out of their Champions League.  Who will be more motivated, them or 16th-place Wadi Degla?  If they can climb just one more spot in the table, they’ll be out if the Drop Zone.

Fun-ish Fact:  Wadi Degla is nicknamed “The Community of Champions”.   Maybe it sounds cooler in Arabic…

RESULT:   Smouha   2-1

  1. El Antag El Harby vs. El Raja Marsa Matruh – Egyptian Premier

8th place hosts dead last in our Egyptian double-dip!  Worst defense and worst offense, Raja is eight points in the table from safety.

RESULT:   El Antag   2-1

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Streamed date pudding, with a double dip of ice cream.

  1. Al Batin vs. Al-Ettifaq – Saudi Arabia Premier

Second-to-last place Ettifaq actually has a mediocre offense.  If they can shore up their shoddy defense even a little, they should survive the season.

Mid-pack Al Batin have trouble scoring, and so Noobstradamus is calling this one for the underdog “Commandos”!

RESULT:   1-1      Noobstradamus miss

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I’m also calling Alyssa Milano’s performance opposite Ah-nold in “Commando” underrated.

  1. Al Quwa Al Jawiya vs. Karbala – Iraqi Premier

Karbala has yet to win a match and has only three goals in 11 games.  Second division-bound.

Not That Fun, But Interesting-Fact:  “Saddam’s Killing Fields” documents the 1991 destruction of Karbala.

RESULT:   Al Quwa   4-1

  1. Ternana vs. Salernitana – Serie B

Ternana can’t quite get over the hump in Italy’s second division.   They have 12 draws in 21 games.  They’re 20th of 22 teams.  Should they climb even a spot higher, they won’t be automatically Relegated, though the next two teams in the table have to play a Relegation avoidance event.   Salernita are 7-7-7 on the year.

RESULT:   2-2      Make that -13- draws.

  1. Sporting CP B vs. Real SC – LigaPro

The hosts are the reserve side for Portuguese legend FC Porto.  They are in 1st, but ineligible for promotion out of the second division.  Real SC is at the opposite end of the table.  They can score, but playing defense eludes them.   The table is tight enough that they could climb, but this isn’t the match where that starts.

RESULT:   Sporting B   2-1

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For now, Real SC, you’re the fat chick with the hula hoop.

  1. Gil Vicente vs. Varzim – LigaPro

GV are in a three-way tie in the table with two team in the Relegation Zone.  Varzim is one of those two.  These two have identical records.  This should be the most competitive match of the Tracked games today.

RESULT:   Varzim   0-1

And our one glorious, non-Relegation match to care about today —

  1. Albion Rovers vs. St. Johnstone – Scottish FA Cup

This event has reached its Fourth Round, in which just 32 teams remain.  Our minnow today is Albion Rovers.  They’re from the Coatbridge (Glasgow area), and about the economically most dismal town in the country.  This hard-times blue collar town could use something to cheer about.

St. Johnstone is in 8th this year, after a Scottish Premiere 4th place finish last season that had them miss Europa League by only one slot in the table.

RESULT:   Johnstone   0-4

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Coatbridge, back before it was more air-polluted than almost anywhere.