Tag: ESPN

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – MLS, oodles of CONCACAF lead your Wednesday

Midweek time – that means ten matches over three days instead of ten each.

What can Noob say?   There are just so many hours in the day, and we’re expanding, adding great new features soon!

We’ve already added “Noob Sandwich Reviewoobs”.   Scroll back a couple of Tracks to see the first installment.

Also, Noob is slated to appear on the Bros Talking Soccer podcast Sunday.  We’ll keep you posted on when it’s available on the various platforms.   And no, despite being Twitter-familiar with one another, Noob’s is not sure the Bros know what they’re getting into.  It may go very “normally”.  It may be very “Noob”.   God help us either way.

Finally, Isle of Sodor Premier League coverage will begin this weekend!

Noob hasn’t negotiated exclusive rights or anything.  But no one else is covering it, so we WILL.     Noob covered their inaugural FA Cup which ended a couple months ago.  Thought someone more mainstream would grab the baton and cover IoSPL.  Nope.

So Noob’s packing his bags, ready to split some time between here and some of my fave B&B’s and such on Sodor.  It’s going to be….well, it’s going to be content.  Yay!

(Tuesday and Wednesday matches and results follow further down.)

Thursday

No real preview work today.   Real Salt Lake plays for Playoff seeding against eliminated-New England.   Remember, Noobites:  Real Salt Lake means “royal” and we carry no truck with monarchy on our soil.  None!

Wednesday

  1. D.C. United vs. Toronto FC – Major League Soccer

Not only did D.C. do it – climbing back from the Eastern Division basement, but they’ve climbed into a playoff spot (6th place) with three matches to go.  His massive price tag aside, anyone who thought it wouldn’t be worthwhile to get former all-time European great Wayne Rooney was mistaken.

This all said, there are those three matches to go.  They could climb one more spot up the table, but they could get passed by Montreal (just one point back).

How does their schedule compare with Montreal’s?  Defending champs Toronto FC and their last regular season opponents Chicago fire are bad and worse.  Sandwiched in between they’ll host much tougher (#3) NYCFC.  Montreal play Toronto and newly-eliminated from contention New England.  So Noob thinks the difference may come down to can D.C. get at least a home draw against NYCFC.

I’ve only started learning all but the biggest stars’ names here the second half of the season.  If you’re a tenured Noobite, you’ll know Rooney’s right-hand man is Luciano Acosta.   But look for impact from Russell Canouse, a young midfielder who got the only goal their last outing – a massive win over the West’s #1 FC Dallas.  He was rewarded with a slot on the MLS Team of the Week.  Which I hadn’t known was a thing.  Learningess!   (7:00 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   1-0   D.C. Utd.          Who else by Mr. Worth-Every-Pound Wayne Rooney

Image result for russell canouse

 

 

A ball, for Noob?  Thanks, Russ!

(Now where are Rooney and Lucky Acosta… get some serious signatures up in here.)

 

Canadia vs. U.S.A. – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Actually, but virtue of making this Final, these two have now already qualified for next tear’s WC.  Congrats, gals!   Not that they or anyone are surprised.  They’re ranked #5 and #1 the world.  Only Canadia even allowed a single goal to be scored against them.

Tobin Heath, Megan Rapinoe, Drunk-Disney Alex Morgan — we know the USWNT team some.  So here’s a shoutout to Canadia’s Christine Sinclair.   She’s a veteran, still a superstar, and trails retired U.S. player Abby Wambach by seven for all-time most international goals scored.  That’s men’s or women’s side.

She won’t get seven today.  Canadia may not score here in Frisco (greater Dallas) today.  But her presence gives them a real chance.  Noob still favors the Americans by two, but we could finally see both teams get their first competitive match in a while.   (8:00 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   U.S.A.   0-2         Hail to the victors!

  1. Panama vs. Jamaica – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

This match still matters in terms of WC entry.  The winner gets in, the loser gets absolutely none fruit cup.  None at all!  Friscoans (Friscites?) will deny them at all opportunities before the loser goes home.

They’re tanked #62 and #64.  Whichever wins, it’s that team’s first ever time making World Cup.  High drama!   (5:00 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Jamaica   2-2  /  2-4  PK

Image result for soccer drama

 

 

Real board game.   

Noob just up started the ol’ Christmas list.

  1. Canadia vs. Dominica – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

Double-dip Noob Canadiaian!

All the men’s teams in CONCACAF playing actually “qualify” for Nations League next year.   But the top ten finishers will make the next Gold Cup.  Those are our region’s championships.  There, they’ll join the six teams that made the final six for World Cup qualifying last year.

Canadia should be there.  They’re ranked #7 in all CONCACAF (if only 79th in the world), trailing only #6 Jamaica in terms of teams that have to play this event to make said Gold Cup.

Dominica are in the bottom half of CONCACAF, ranked #177 by FIFA.  In their first match, they got a draw against higher-ranked Suriname.

Noob is so torn!   Two workplaces ago, I worked with a guy both from Canadia and from Dominca.  Both were cool d00dz.  Funny, I’ve forgotten Canadiaian Ty’O’s first name.   Not sure I ever knew Dominican Julie’s last name.  But he was a laugh riot, even without my being able to understand half of what he said in his thick accent.

I remember one time having to help Julie decipher a speeding ticket, one he got for going so far over the speed limit that a court appearance was mandatory.   Ah, memories.

Wait, soccer, what?

  1. Cruzeiro vs. Corinthians – Brazil Cup

It’s the Final of the Copa do Brasil!   Second leg.  Cruziero took the first leg 1-0.

This is especially important compared to so many FA Cups the world over.  For example, in Europe, the winner is typically qualified for the second-tier Europa League.  Not Champions League.  Here, however, the winner gets into Copa Libertadores, S. America’s version of Champions League.

It’s extra super important this year because Brazil’s top league sends only six teams from there into the CL.  And these two traditional powers are somehow down in 10th and 11th place currently.  And the season there is in its home stretch.   This could be both these clubs’ only reasonable shot at CL.   (8:45 PM, Fox Soccer Plus)

RESULT:   Cruzeiro   1-2      Whoopsie!    Listed Cruzeiro as home team.  They were the visitors for today’s second leg.  Congrats, hombres!

Image result for copa do brasil 2018

 

 

Noob’s diggin’on the trophy, too.

  1. CD Aguila vs. Santa Tecla – El Salvador Primera

Aguila are tied for #B with undefeated Alianza.  Santa Tecla lead them both by two points in the table, but have played one more match than Alianza (the best team in the league in reality).

The soccer year here is divided into Apertura and Clausura (first and second-half seasons). Of the two winners, the one with the better aggregate record will qualify for the 2020 CONCACAF Champions League.  The other champion and the runner-up with the better aggregate record will get into the CONCACAF League, a tournament through which teams can qualify for the Champions League.

The three teams listed are way ahead of everyone else here in the Apertura.

RESULT:   Aguila   1-0     Aguila and Alianza are now in a tie for 1st

  1. La Equidad vs. Tolima – Colombia Primera A

In Colombia, the two stages of the season are Apertura and Finalizacion.  The winner of the postseason knockout tournament following each makes the Copa Libertadores.  So it’s not nearly as strong a league as Brazil.  But hey – they’re playing!

Tolima finished 3rd in the Apertura regular season before winning the postseason.  They’re part of a three-way tie for #B.

Leaders La Equidad have been a surprise this Stage, as they were below average during the Apertura.  They still don’t score like the biggest boys.  Noob thinks they’re primed to get upset at home.

RESULT:   Tolima   0-1       There is now a four-way tie for 1st

Image result for insurance team funny

 

A club nicknamed “The Insurance Team” just isn’t destined to stay at the top.

 

 

Tuesday

  1. U.S.A. vs. Peru – international men’s friendly

USMNT lost last week to Colombia 4-2.  It was a match in which they came from behind, but lost in the end.  It’s a very, very young roster, and in particular the backline was raw as could be.  Today, Coach Sarachan is switching back to a veteran, former Premier League goalkeeper – Sporting Kansas City’s Brad Guzan.  Critics argue the team should push nothing but youth.

The inclusion of veteran Michael Bradley is drawing ire from this crowd.   That’s not a defensible stance.  But Noob thinks that there are enough friendlies to go around.  If you want the players to learn, experience against great opponents, is, well, great.  But mixing in some seasoned folks to teach them from their own side, in their own locker room has to be valuable, too.

Today’s match is being held at UCONN’s soccer field, an oft-used venue for USMNT.  The two teams here are ranked #22 and #21 by FIFA.  Peru just finished pounding Chile 3-0 at the Hard Rock venue in Miami.  That team is ranked #12.    (7:30 PM EST, ESPN2)

RESULT:   1-1        U.S. looked decent when pressing forward.  When they could maintain possession at all.

Image result for too much america

 

 

Noob doesn’t get it.

Get to the footyball matches any way you can, Amuricuh.

B.  Mexico vs. Chile – international men’s friendly

And Mexico’s is ranked 15th, so it’s another quality matchup!  On paper.   That 0-3 loss was telling, and what it turns out it tells us is that Chile did not bring its top stars.    It’s being held at Liga MX club FC Queretaro’s home stadium in

But that’s okay, we’re here to support our CONCACAF neighbors.  Raul Jimenez scored the winning penalty kick-goal for Mexico in their last outing over Costa Rica.   This match will feature a lot of youth on both sides of the ball, so we’re not expecting a ton of goals, but perhaps another dramatic finish just the same.   (9:45 PM, Unimas)

RESULT:   0-1   Chile          The visitors score at 90′ in what was a pretty even match

Image result for mexican neighbors funny

 

Noob’s not going political on this site.  Just not in my ken.

But it seems a border wall might be susceptible to a Ned Flanders attack.

  1. France vs. Germany – UEFA Nations League

Groups of three, top finisher only from each advance to the Playoffs.   This is a League A matchup, meaning these two are from one of the Groups that are ranked by UEFA in top dozen.

They’ve both played two of their four matches.  Germany have yet to score, though they still earned a draw in one of those games.  France lead the Netherlands by a point in the table.

These two teams are ranked as tied for #1 and #12, respectively, in the world by FIFA.   Noob’s becoming less convinced those numbers matter in this tournament.

This is a new event, one designed to add some meaning to parts of the calendar that were previously filled with simply international friendlies.  It’s a pathway to getting into the 2020 European Championships, but that may not be motivating teams of this caliber.  They’re almost certainly going to be there no matter how they do here.   (2:45 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   France   2-1      Antoine Griezmann with both goals for the home side in the come-from-behind win

’10 to Track’ Sunday (10/14) soccer matches – CONCACAF galore, plus new Sandwich Review(oob) feature!

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of of the global game.

And now, the perfect pairing – Sandwich Review Feature.

There’s real soccer info in here.  Somewhere.   But s**t’s about to get weird, y’all.

  1. U.S.A. vs. Jamaica – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

And then there were four.  Time for the Knockout Stage.  Three of the four will qualify for next year’s World Cup.

One will be #1 USA.  No one’s even scored on them all tournament.  Jamaica won’t.  They’re ranked #64 in the world.   (8:00 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   U.S.A.   6-0      Tobin Heath and Alex Morgan with two goals apiece.   Now officially headed to 2019 World Cup.

B.  Panama vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

The other Semifinal!  #66 vs. #5.   The Final and consolation matches will be far higher drama.   (5:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Canadia   0-7       Christine Sinclair and Adriana Leon with two goals each for the now officially World Cup-bound Canadiaians

Image result for dramatic letter B

 

 

Number B, rocking it as “dramatic dark sunset” Number B today.

Sultry.

  1. Poland vs. Italy – UEFA Nations League

This is a League A matchup.  Portugal is the third team in this Group within that league and they’re waaaay ahead after two games.   If either of today’s two want to have chance two in the group and make the playoffs, it’s vital they get a win today.

They’re ranked 18th and 20th in the world.  In their last ten collective matches, they have one win.  Therefore, Noob’s guess is they draw today.   (2:45 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   Italy   0-1      While it wasn’t a draw like Noob predicted, Italia didn’t get their score until after 90′.

  1. New York Red Bulls II vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds – United Soccer League

Last regular season match in the second division league.  These teams have cumulatively won their last 12 matches.  Talk about peaking at the right time!

#3 Pittsburgh can only drop down.  Even a draw and their three-seed is secure.  NYRB is in a three-way tie for 5th.  They can’t do better than #5, but could fall very far – even out of the top eight at the Playoffs entirely!

This will be a wide-open affair if Red Bulls control the pace.   They score like gangbusters, play the third-worst defense in the entire division.  Pittsburgh has always tried taking the air out of the ball.  Noob thinks Red Bulls score early, force Pitt to actually push forward for a change.  I think this is a home rout today.

RESULT:   NYRB II   2-1        And so Red Bull B-side do get the #5 seed

Image result for red bull funny

 

 

 

“If I could walk on water/ if I could find some way to prove/

If I could walk on water would you believe in me/ ‘Cause I believe in yooooou.”

  1. Saint Martin vs. Saint Kitts and Nevis – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

The hosts today are from the northern, French part of the island country.  The Dutch half has its own team.  They are both very weak.  SKN are one of the top 20 teams in in the federation, though just 134th in the world.

RESULT:   SKN   0-10         not a typo

TIME OUT FOR A NEW FEATURE!

Noob Sammich Reviewbs.  Reviewoobs?    TBD

Not sure how often Noob will do this, but it starts NOW.   It’s not enough to just talk soccer.  Let’s talk about what soccer fans talk about.  And eat.  I’m talking SAMMICHES.

Corned Beef and Swiss Sandwiches on Whole Wheat Bread

 

 

Corned Beef and Swiss Shamrock Sandwich.

 

 

This is a Nature’s Own-bread sandwich recipe.   Noob decided to find a corned beef sammich to compare to my all-time fave.

This is diced corned beef on whole wheat bread.  Swiss cheese.  A little Dijon mustard.  A little more horseradish sauce.  Plenty of reduced-fat cream cheese.

Noob’s all-time fave corned beef has the meat sliced.  Tomatoes, pickles, black olives, a little mayo.  Leaf lettuce is better.  I had it with shredded and that’s okay.

This sandwich is an affront to everything Noob believes in.  Diced meat of any kind, anywhere, is gross.   Put it in with all those soft ingredients and I start to doubt the possible existence of an omni-benevolent god in the universe.

Look, the Swiss cheese is fine.  Noob doesn’t need any on a cold sammich, but whatever.  Horseradish?   Like the music of Journey, I get what others like about it, but I don’t need to hear/eat it.  Cream cheese on any bread that soft?  Denied.

Put it all together and it’s…well, it’s diced meat in mouthful of mush.  That bread doesn’t look hearty enough to offer any respite from the rest of the awful texture.

Noob’s decided for now that the rating system will be on a 1-5 star system.  But instead of stars, the unit will be…Sammiches.

So!   This sandwich gets One Sammich from Noob.  It would get zero, but Noob has to leave room potentially finding an even lousier sandwich at some point.

Actually, let’s knock it down to just a half Sammich.  This sandwich pisses off the Irish by being shamrock-shaped on top of everything else.

Please respond with your reviewoob thoughts on Twitter @SoccerNoobUSA.  I’m also taking suggestions of sandwiches for future reviews.

  1. Chelsea Ladies vs. Arsenal – England Women’s Soccer League

Chelsea went undefeated in this league last year.  Still, they didn’t completely dominate on either side of the ball compared to their peers.  Arsenal finished 3rd, missing out on the Champions League by one point in the table.  The season is just getting going.

RESULT:   Arsenal   0-5        Changing of the guard?   Vivianne Miedema and Jordan Noobs with two goals each

  1. Marathon vs. Real Espana – Honduras National League

Marathon are tied for 1st in the table, though they’ve played two more matches than Olimpia.  Noob likes them to win the league though.  Not the very best on either side of the ball, but incredibly balanced.

Real Espana are in a three-way tie for 3rd.   They score more than anyone, but the utter lack of defense will make them midtable.  That trek starts today.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Palmeiras vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

Going to be moving day today in Brazil potentially!  The league leaders host #5, which are also the defending Copa Libertadores champions.

This may not be the most exciting game to watch, not if you’re looking for goals.  But only four points separate them in the table.  And only the top four teams qualify to start the next CL at the Group Stage level.  So it’s still very high drama.   (3:00 PM, GOL TV)

Palmeiras   2-0        Deyverson with two goals.    Botch clubs stay in same spots in table

Image result for so exciting gif

 

 

Craig Robinson, at least, appreciates defensive footyball.

  1. Internacional vs. Sao Paulo – Brazil Serie A

#3 hosting #4 as well today is what makes it so special for the league.

Sao Paulo led the league for quite a while, but have come back to earth, as expected.   They’ve stayed afloat with a few draws, but haven’t won a match since early September.  The offense has trickled away for them.

Inter are coming off a curious loss to meh-at-best Sport Recife.  They’ve won just one of their last four, which have all been draws or decided by a goal either way.   (3:00 PM, Premeire Futebol)

RESULT:   Inter   3-1          Leandro Damiao with two goals.  So much for “Moving Day”.   These two also stayed in same table positions.

  1. Kenya vs. Ethiopia – Africa Cup of Nations qualification

The top two finishers in each Group of four make the Cup next year.  All four in this one have won a match, so the race is super tight.  These two lead the others by a point in the table, but have already played one more match than them.

They are FIFA-ranked 107 and 149, respectively.  but Ethiopia’s actually only scored one goal in their three matches.  Noob thinks this is where the higher-ranked Kenya’s have their breakout match.

RESULT:   Kenya   3-0

Image result for Nairobi weirdSo long from Nairobi!

If the animals look weird, it’s because they’re scrap metal sculptures.

The world is weird.

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday (10/12) soccer matches – from MLS to, well, everywhere

This was such a fun Track to write.  No one match jumps out above all others, but there’s a ton of fun and learning in today’s soccer travelog.

As always on Fridays, Noob starts us at or close to home, then we jet-set off to corners of the football globe ignored by most of the interwebs.  Feast.   Feast!!

  1. LAFC vs. Houston Dynamo – Major League Soccer

Los Angeles have pulled onto a tie for #B in the Western Conference with just three matches to go in the regular season.  Since the top two finishers get a bye out of the first round, that is high drama!   They’re actually still in 3rd, behind Sporting Kansas City on goal differential.

The Falcons suffered a puzzling loss two matches ago, getting blasted by the hapless Chicago Fire.  Even on the road, that’s not a club Playoff times should be getting blown out by.  But they did bounce back in their most recent match, skunking Colorado at their place, 0-3.

Houston have been eliminated from Playoff contention already.  They’ve played better ball of late, certainly highlighted by their U.S. Open Cup victory over Philly in the Final.  With that trophy in hand, it’s hard for Noob to imagine this the Dynamo matching LAFC’s energy, motivation.

For LAFC, the names to know have been Diego Rossi and Adama Diamonte.  The one Noob’s seen coming up more recently is Walker Zimmerman, a young defender from Georgia.  If he continues to be a consistent help in goal-scoring, this team will be hard to stop now and in the postseason.   (10:00 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   LAFC 4-2         The winning goal?    Walker Zimmerman

Image result for Walker Zimmerman funny

 

 

Hey, Walker, could you talk to Heinken about sponsoring Noob?

B.  Croatia vs. England – UEFA Nations Cup

Noob’s given some details a while back on this new European tournament, but I did not revisit them when previewing matches from it during this last Midweek Edition Track.  Here’s a wee bit:

This is a new event is meant to largely replace a bunch of friendlies all the teams are already playing anyway.  UEFA plans on having this played every other year.  All the men’s national teams in Europe may participate. The top 12-ranked teams play in four Groups comprising League A.  The next dozen play in League B, and on down the line.

Noob will detail particulars another time, but teams from all the Leagues within this Cup can use this tournament as another qualifying route into the next (2020) European Championships, the premier tournament for national teams which is held every four years.

So!  Croatia and England are currently FIFA-ranked #4 and #6 in the world, respectively.  In this competition, they are in League A (top league), Group 4 (arbitrarily numbered).   Both have a lot of catching up to do with the other Group member – Spain.`

Spain beat England 1-2 on the road and walloped World Cup runners-up Croatia 6-0 at home.  Only 1st place in each of these Groups get to move on to the League Playoffs.  The other two shall receive NO fruit cup.  None whatsoever.   (2:45 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   0-0     The draw all but guarantees that Spain will win this League A Group

Image result for letter B fruit

 

 

 

Number B – taunting those who will not receive fruit cup.

  1. U.S. Virgin Islands vs. Curacao – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

The six teams that played the final 2018 World Cup qualifying event (Hexagonal) already qualify for League A in the upcoming CONCACAF Nations League.  This tournament is being used to determine which other six teams will join them in League A.  The other teams will be placed in Leagues B and C, based on how they do this in qualifying tournament.

Each of the 34 teams in this event will play four matches, so goal differential could end up meaning a lot.  They’ll each play a match against another team club from each of the quartiles, which are based on a CONCACAF Rankings Index.  In other words, each team will play a roughly even cross-section of opponents, for fairness.

U.S. Virgin Islands are at a bit of a disadvantage.  On top of being only ranked #201 in the world, they don’t get to play any true “home” matches.  This is presumably because of the damage from Hurricane Maria.  So this and their other are being played in Bradenton, Florida.  They’re in the bottom quartile, lost their first match to Canadia 8-0.

Curacao – a country a ways off the coast of Venezuela and affiliated with the Netherlands politically – has a much stronger team, ranked #81.  In this event, they’re in the second quartile.  But their 10-0 trouncing of Grenada has them in 3rd place for now.

RESULT:   Curacao   0-5

Fun Fact:   US VI are “The Dashing Eagle”

  1. Algeria vs. Benin – Africa Cup of Nations

Unlike the above two tournaments, this is the premier national teams tournament for Africa, held every to years.  it is currently in its Group Stage.  Pods of four, double round robin, top two finishers will advance to the Knockout Stage.

They’re two matches into the Group Stage.  To no one’s surprise, the Algerians are 2-0.  Perhaps to the mild surprise of some, Benin have a win and a draw.  FIFA ranks them reasonably close together (#69. #88).  But the CAF lists Algeria as the fourth best team while not even listing Benin in the rankings (top 18).

This above discrepancy makes this tough for Noob to handicap.  But Algeria is good enough in a vacuum that at home they should be easily favored by a goal.  Benin would celebrate a draw, keeping them well ahead of Togo, probably the Group’s most likely candidate to advance as runner-up.

RESULT:   Algeria   2-0

Image result for benin surprise

 

 

Has to be this guy’s, oh, third Track appearance. 

Noob wants him on staff.

  1. CSD Macara vs. Delfin – Ecuador Serie A

HooWHEE!   That was a lot of mumbo-jumbo to try and digest.   Let’s cleanse our palate with some league action.

Macara are #1 in this Second Stage of the season.  The winners of each of the two stages vie for the league title.  They finished just 8th in the First Stage, so are something of a surprise here.  The defense has looked much better.   Their GD, however, belies a club that could easily be slipping back to midtable soon.

Delfin are tied for #B with another traditional league power, First Stage champs Emelec.  Statistically, they’re a little better than Macara.  Since that’s where the match is, this should be a dandy to watch – if you have a deep enough satellite package to catch this on GOL TV (9:00 PM).

RESULT:   1-1

Fun Fact:   Macara play in the city of Ambato.  They are named for an army fort.

  1. Tajikistan vs. Palestine – Bangabandhu Cup

The Final!   But the Final of what?

This tournament is a standalone event in Bangladesh.   Their football federation hosts this event every so often as a tribute to their nation’s founder, for whom it is named.  It was last held in 2016, the year before, and then before that last in the mid-90’s.

In the past, most participating countries have sent their national men’s teams reserves squad or elite youth teams.  This year, however, five of the six nations sent their A-clubs, including our two finalists.

Tajikistan’s team is ranked #120 in the world, while Palestine’s is #100.  They both advanced out of the same Group in that Stage.  Palestine won their matchup there 2-0.  But Noob smells a penalty shootout to decide this one!

RESULT:   Palestine   0-0  /  3-4 PK        Hail to the victors!

Bangabandhu Gold Cup logo.png

 

 

 

The pure, unadulterated joy of having started your own nation.

  1. Basque Country vs Venezuela – men’s international friendly

Noob proffers as mission statement that these Track’s embody “the ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game”.  Fridays, even I must confess the matches I include may not match up with that perfectly.

But this site is the outgrowth of my own soccer learning journey.   I think this is important because I didn’t know about it.  Let’s be global-game citizens!

The story here is “Basque Country”.  This team represents the autonomous, adjacent Basque areas of both Spain and France.  That said, the players are all from top Spanish clubs right now.  This team has existed since 1930, though they’ve only played an average of maybe three matches every two years.  Early in their existence, had Elo ratings been a thing, this team would’ve ranked #4 in the world!

The biggest non-FIFA football organization in the world is CONIFA, which represents peoples and teams from autonomous regions, national and regional diasporas, and stateless peoples.  Yet Basque Country has never been a member.

But they’re trying to get into FIFA!  And there’s at least indirect precedence for a team like theirs to be represented.   The United Kingdom serves as an example of one nation with multiple countries having membership.  And then places like Faroe Islands display that an autonomous country that is still truly a part of another nation (Denmark) can have membership.

Basque Country’s situation is apples to oranges to both examples above.  Still, they have commonalities with both.

As for today’s match?  It’s a friendly.  No idea how often BQ practices together.  The result isn’t what’s important, at least to Noob.   It’s that it’s happening at all that I love.

RESULT:   Basque Country   4-2

  1. Faafu Nilandhoo vs. New Radiant – Maldives Dhivehi Premier

And now we continue our journey to comparative footyball hinterlands once again with some far-flung leagues!   Maldives is an islands-nation southwest of southern India.  Their league is ranked just below average in Asia, 24th of 46 associations.

New Radiant are in 3rd place, but look statistically like the league’s best team.  Best offense and defense both.  Faafu Nilandhoo are in 8th of 10 clubs, on spot above the Relegation line.   Noob’s simply stunned that there’s at least one more league in the Maldives to which anyone could be sent down.

RESULT:   New Radiant   0-1

Fafà Picault.jpg

 

Never mind that he’s an American born to Haitian immigrants.

Noob thinks Philadelphia’s Fafa Picault needs to someday play for Faafa Nilandhoo.

  1. RC Bobo-Dioulasso vs. Comoe – Burkina Faso Premiere Division

This west African country’s league isn’t ranked on the continent.  And these two teams are low-midtable at #10 and #11.  And the season is just a few matches in.  But hey, they’re playing!

RESULT:   0-0

Fun Fact:   The Bobo language-speaking natives of Bobo-Dioulasso refer to the city simply as “Sia”.  Soooo much easier to pronounce.

  1. Al-Jaish vs. Al-Taliya – Syria Premier

This league is so fresh into its new season, Noob looked more at last year’s standings.  Al-Jaish won the league – by one goal in differential as a tiebreaker over Al-Ittihad.  And as the #15 league in Asia, they only get one club into their Champions League.  Al-Taliya finished 6th.

RESULT:       now listed for Monday, 10/29

Image result for Damascus funny

 

 

So long from Damascus, home of Al-Jaish!

Yeah, Noob doesn’t recall any banana peel-slippage story from the New testament.

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday – the matches of Suckitude

Soccer scheds far and wide tend to run a little lighter right after the weekend.  Natch.

We here at Noob take advantage by taking you on a journey of Suckitude!  Embrace the darkness of a Monday.  Let’s get to know some teams on the edge of getting Relegated from their leagues.

Or will we see Monday Miracles?

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Houston Dynamo – Major League Soccer

Houston is about to put a wrap on their season.  They just won the U.S. Open Cup.  But they’re in 10th here in the West, need a win to stay even mathematically alive for a postseason berth (top six from each conference get in).

Noob’s hoping they can manage exactly that!   When the opponent is Seattle, Noob will root for almost any team.  Little would please Noob more than to see the Sounders just lose and lose until they drop from 5th to out of the playoffs.

Noobites, I can’t ask you to join me on this journey of scorn.  The first hardcore soccer fan I met long ago was a college T.A. of mine.  A bandwagon-jumping Seattle fan with no connection to the area.  I love to imagine his sad face when woe comes to his team.   (10:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Seattle   4-1      Victor Romero Rodriguez with two second half goals.

B.  Cuba vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Reminder:  Two Groups of four, top two finishers advance to the Knockout State.  Top three of those four make World Cup!

Cuba is not likely to be advancing.   They lost their first match 8-0.   Good LAWD.  88th in the world gets no respect.

The Canadiaians are one of the world powers, ranked #5.   Noob handicaps this match at Canada minus, oh, 15.   Unless a lot of Cuban national team fans are showing up to Edinburgh, Texas to turn it into a home-match feel.   (8:30 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Canadia   0-12        not a typo.   really.

Image result for Canadian alphabet

 

 

Number B, a literary star the world over.

B is for bear, and bacon.  So much the bacon.

  1. Cork City vs. Bohemian FC – FAI Cup (Ireland)

The Irish FA Cup semifinal!   Winners gets runaway league champion Dundalk for the Cup.

Cork City won the 2017 league title and finished #B this year.   They’ll present a nice, clean changing facility and some lovely parting gifts to midtable Bohemian before whomping them by a goal or two.

RESULT:   Cork    2-1         On to the Final!

  1. Once Caldas vs. Leones – Colombia Primera A

Let’s move through the Sadness Soccer in order of likelihood of an upset, least to most.

Leones are last in the current league season and in the multi-year aggregate Relegation table.  They’re the only club that averages less than a point in the table earned per match.  They’re getting Booted to Primera B, if B will even have them.

Once Caldas are just a point out of 1st place currently.  Noob think’s favoring them by a goal and a half is generous.  To Leones.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for magnanimous funny

 

 

You’re darn right Noob is.

  1. Guayaquil City vs. Deportivo Cuenca – Ecuador Serie A

Seven goals in 12 matches.   Is Quayquil even trying?   Really, they need not.  Last in their stage and the season’s aggregate table.  To avoid Relegation, they have to leapfrog two teams.  The second one is 14 points ahead of them.  Quayaquil has only scored seven points this entire Stage.

Cuenca are below average themselves, so this might be one of GC’s few chances to get a full-fledged win, being at home today.   (8:15 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   1-1

Fun Fact:  The second time Europeans went to loot Quayaquil, they had to suddenly quit the expedition when a yellow fever epidemic broke out.

  1. Fluminense vs. Parana Clube – Brazil Serie A

Only one team in the league hasn’t scored twice as many goals as Parana, and that club misses that mark by just two scores.  The bottom four get kicked out of this league, and Parana are ten points behind second-to-last place.

They’re not just getting Relegated.  They’re going to get forced to all retire, take up Tiddlywinks.

Fluminense are utterly average, and that’s good enough to expect them to coast to a two-goal win today.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Fluminense   4-0

Image result for tiddlywinks world championship 2018

 

 

 

World Tiddlywinks Championships.  Real.

[insert joke HERE]

 

  1. Tigre vs. Estudiantes – Argentina Primera

Argentina uses a three-season table to determine which clubs offend them most.  Tigre are second-to-last in that.  But so far this early season, they’re actually playing just bad soccer, instead of their usual horrific variety.

Estudiantes are playing horrifically.  Surprising.  This is typically a midtable club.   Noob’s forced to consider this a toss-up at worst for Tigre!   (6:00 PM, TyC International)

RESULT:   Tigre   1-0

Fun Fact:  The team no longer plays in the actual town of Tigre, bur rather in Victoria, Buenos Aires.

  1. Nittaidai vs. NTV Beleza – Japan Nadeshiko 1

In Japan’s top women’s league – one of the world’s strongest – they automatically Relegate just one team.  But the next team up the table will have to play in a Relegation Playoff with a second-tier team for the right to play N1 next year.

Nittaidai are in that latter position.  The season is young, but it appears there will be a big gap between the bottom three teams and everyone else.  Noob makes no prediction on which wins this game of Melancholy Musical Chairs and survives.  They’re all equally crappy.

Oh, and Beleza win the league every year of late and should beat them by 2-3 in their own house.  Wheeee!

RESULT:   Beleza   0-4

Image result for nittaidai fc

“Yay – successful huddle!”

  1. Botosani vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

This is one of the European leagues that separates into Championship and Relegation subdivisions later in the season.  Just under a dozen matches in, it appears these two aren’t among the top candidates to actually get Relegated.  But they’re not far above them (11th and 12th of 14).

Both can actually score about as well as low-end midtable teams.  But they defend like wet papier-mache.

Not Exactly a “Fun” Fact:   The stand Dinamo’s ultras use is named after Catalan Hildan, a player who died at age 24.

RESULT:   Botosani   2-0         Maybe the tiniest of Miracles!

  1. Hapoel Tel Aviv vs. Ashdod – Israel Premier

We finish the Track with the least likely Relegation candidates that still qualify for today.   These two are two pretty average clubs that currently fall just below that Championship/Relegation line, same as Romania has.

HTA look to be trying to make every game 0-0.  It’s not an uncommon strategy for teams like them that were just Promoted, but that style of play rarely holds up over a whole season.

Ashdod don’t score much more.  Noob thinks they’re more likely to drop then climb into the top half and avoid danger.  This may be the Suckitudiest match of all, as Noob looks for it to be 0-0.

RESULT:   0-0       Ding!

Image result for hapoel tel aviv funny

 

 

 

Heavens!  Is that Hapoel’s junk just fallen clean off and sitting there IN the crest?

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sun. (10/7) – MLS playoff hunt, and an EPL doozy!

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

And today, introducing the efforts of a new staff member,  sort of.  🙂

  1. D.C. United vs. Chicago Fire – Major League Soccer

Saturday, #6 Montreal clubbed Columbus.  This leaves 7th-place D.C. United five points in back of that last Eastern Conference playoff berth.

But as late as the season is getting, this is in no way a done deal.  Montreal may have only two matches left now, but D.C. have five.  And speaking of five, that’s how many in a row DCU haven’t lost.   Chicago are down in 10th.   They haven’t won on the road since June.

But the Fire pulled a home upset last match out against the West’s #3, LAFC.  If they want to make it two surprises in a row, Serbian international Nemanja Nikolic needs to follow up on his super September.  He’s their scoring leader.  The star last in the last win was American Djordje Mihailovic.   (1:00 PM EST, ESPN)

RESULT:   D.C.   2-1       Wayne Rooney strikes again.  And then again.

Image result for nemanja nikolic

 

 

 

In Amuricuh, Nemanja, we keep the pants on to play the footyball.

B.  Liverpool vs. Manchester City – English Premier League

6-1-0.  The last two undefeated clubs in England face off.  Raspberry scones for everyone!   It’s a watch party.

Defending champs Man City have to be licking their chops though.  Undefeated in the league Liverpool may be, but they’re just 0-1-2 across all competitions in their last three.  The offense has stagnated badly.

Man City have one four in a row.  They’re scoring like the pitch is a pinball machine.  That said, they haven’t faced a difficult league team mid-August.   (11:30 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for eating letter B

 

 

SoccerNoob’s six year-old daughter — PersonNoob! –thinks this bee is licking it’s chops and about to eat Number B.

  1. Toluca vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Top eight will make the Liguilla (postseason).  Toluca are tied for 5th, while Pachuca lead a four-way tie for that eight-spot.

Toluca should be in better shape, but they just handed Atlas their first win of the season.   When each half-season tournament is just 17 matches long, can’t give up “easy” points.

Pachuca do look like the best of their clump of four, but Noob thinks their margin for error is extremely thin.  I don’t expect them to climb any higher than 8th.  Tigres lead them by three for 7th, are better on both sides of the ball.   (1:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Toluca   2-1

  1. Panama vs. U.S.A. – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Earlier this week, the American women pummeled Mexico 6-0 to open the Group Stage.  Noob’s primary source site still doesn’t list that match on the correct date.   But mea culpa.  No excuses, only reasons.  Part of my learning journey is where to get the raw info.

So!  The top two from each Group of four will advance to Knockout Stage, where three of the teams will earn their World Cup berth.  The Americans are the #1-ranked team in the world and will advance easily.

Panama is ranked just #66.  They did pull a minor upset in their opening match of this stage, taking down Trinidad and Tobago.  But the US are a whole different deal, even without being the hosts (the match will be in Cary, NC).  Noob favors them by 9.5 goals.   (5:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   U.S.A.   0-5          Wow, they held up better than Mexico

For your mid-Track listening pleasure – Panama!   But covered by Foo Fighters, so as not to be entirely cliche.  (FFW to 0:40 if you like)

  1. Mexico vs. Trinidad and Tobago – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

So if either of these teams loses the nightcap in Cary, that’s about all for them.  A draw would give both a little hope, presuming Panama doesn’t pull off an all-timer miracle in the above match.  They are ranked #24 and #52.

Given the lack of parity in the women’s game, that should mean Mexico is a two-goal fave.   (7:30 PM, FS2)

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

No one has beaten or earned a draw against PSG.

Lyon are in 5th.  Noob thinks they’re at least the third-best team in the league, but it’s hard to see them proving that today.  Both teams allow just under a goal per match, so defense hypothetically gives the visitors a shot.  The problem?  PSG average’s 3.5 per of their own.

RESULT:   PSG   5-0        Mbappe with four goals

Image result for that's too many gif

 

 

Sorry, Edward Norton.  The number is what it is.

  1. Zenit St. Petersburg vs. Krasnodar – Russia Premier

Noob was surprised to see Krasnodar helping headline a #1-#B match.   But upon further review, I see they’ve finished 4th in the league three straight years.  That doesn’t put them in the league leader’s class, but not far out!   The #6-ranked league in Europe deserves and will keep getting more of our attention.

Could it be Krasnodar’s time?  They’ve won seven straight over all competitions.  Meanwhile, Zenit just lost to bottom-feeder Makhachkala before sneaking out a home win over a Czech team in the Europa League.

  1. Benfica vs. Porto – Portugal Primeira Liga

Portugal’s top domestic league is just a notch behind Russia’s, but it means they only get two into the CL.  These two perennial powerhouses are #B and tied for #3.

Despite being behind two teams, Benfica are undefeated.  #1 Braga and their guests today have each been just a touch better on offense to date.  But – stunningly to Noob – Porto haven’t lost to Benfica in seven consecutive matches.   (12:30 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   Benfica   1-0     the streak is ended!

Image result for FC porto funny

 

Noob does speak Portguese.

But I’m pretty sure “inscrever” is a foul, foul verb…

 

 

Noob?  That means “register”. 

Fine, The Management.  Spoil all my fun.

  1. Kashima Antlers vs. Kawasaki Frontale – Japan J1 League

The Management puts in long hours keeping Noob’s inanity in check.  Solid job today.  Bet ya’ sweated off five pounds.  Our Japanophile’s reward?   J1 match stays just above the honorable mention-line.

And this is an important match.  With just a half dozen matches to go, Kawasaki have pulled into a tie with suddenly-spiraling Hiroshima.  They’ve not lost in four straight matches.  But the two matches before that?  0-1-1 in the League Cup, with both matches against Kashima.

The Antlers just won the first leg of their AFC Champions League semifinal tie.  But even winning that whole shebang doesn’t get them entry into next year’s.  They’re #3 in the league and need to finish at least that high to get in.   They’ve won five consecutive domestic matches, peaking at exactly the right time.  They haven’t even allowed a league-goal in two weeks.

RESULT:   0-0

Honorable Mention:    Canadiaian Soccer League (non-FIFA, Ontario-nased)- two playoff Semifinals;  #2 Vega Real vs. #3 Atletico de SF – Dominican Republic Liga Mayor ligulla;  #1 Racing Club vs. #6 Boca Juniors – Argentina Primera;

#3 Stumbras Kaunas vs. #1 Suduva – Lithuania A Lyga;  #4 Muang Thong United vs. #2 Bangkok United – Thai League 1;  #3 Ulsan Hyundai vs. #1 Jeonbuk – South Korea K-League 1;  #1 Al-Sadd vs. #3 Al-Sailiya – Qatar Stars League

  1. Verdes vs. Bandits – Belize Premier

No mere honorable mention for Belize – we finish the track with more CONCACAF-feination!

Even just eight games in, these two are about finished with the rest of the league.  It’s #1 versus #B and the rest of the back is eight points back of the latter.  Bandits haven’t lost, but two draws have them a point behind the pacesetters.

Both score three times a game on average and give up about jack squat.  Hard to think there will be an internet streaming of this match, but let’s all try to find one.  Pirate it if you must!  Yaaaargh.

RESULT:   Bandits   0-1       And we have a new #1!    (Oh, and for the record, this match may well have been played Saturday it turns out.)

Image result for benque viejo del carmen funny

 

So long from Benque Viejo, home of Verdes!

Our Lady of Mt. Carmel church.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (9/29) – MLS, EPL, El Clasico lead the way

Noob tries to bring something unique to the internet landscape —

A shared, live-action learning journey of mine also meant to be one for YOU.  Learning about the best clubs, leagues, and tournaments the world over.  how it all fits together.  BUT.  Coupled with the most oddball humor-angle.

Today, at least you’re rewarded with a treasure trove of high-quality matches from the biggest leagues.   But there will still be weirdness.  I promise.  And you’ve been warned.

  1. Portland Timbers vs. FC Dallas – Major League Soccer

Dallas and Kansas City keep going back and forth for the #1 seed in the Western Conference.  Electric boogaloo!  They’re back on top by two points with a tie to tough Columbus Crew bookended by nice (if predictable) wins versus Houston and Vancouver (who just fired their coach).   A great sign for them is that they’re succeeding playing low and high-scoring matches of late.

The #4 Timbers have trended the other way, losing two of three.  Both were on the road, but 4-1 thrashing by Houston has to be of particular concern.  Even in their home win over Columbus, they’ve played shite for defense.   At 32, is keeper Steve Clark getting a bit long in the tooth, feeling the late season lots more perhaps then his younger counterparts?   (10:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   0-0

B.  D.C. United vs. Montreal Impact – Major League Soccer

D.C. still have five points to make up on Montreal for the East’s last Playoff slot.  It’s been an impressive second-half season comeback for the former bottom-feeders.  Wayne Rooney money appears money well-spent.

But they’ve not beaten Montreal in their last seven tries (3D, 4L).  To break that streak, they’ll look to control the pace, make it a fast and flying match.  Montreal’s success of late has been on a suddenly improving defense, peaking at the right time of year.   (7:00 PM, ESPN+)

RESULT:   D.C.   5-0        Rooney with two goals.   Acosta with a goal and three assits

Image result for letter B bird

 

 

Not the fastest-flying bird, Number B.

Yet still, nice call namedropping the Bobolink.

  1. Queretaro vs. Tigres – Liga MX

You just have to love the format in Mexico (and other Latin, South American countries) where they divide the annual league soccer calendar into two separate tournaments.  Each match is -so- important.  In fact, Noob requires your love for this!   Liga MX WILL have it.

OK, that got weird for a bit.  Welcome to Noob, if you’re new.  This match features two teams right on the edge of qualifying for the Liguilla (postseason).  Top eight clubs get in, and there’s a three-way tie for 7th-9th right now.  Wave hi, combatants.

UANL Tigres are the story here.  They haven’t lost a match since mid-August.  They’re also coming into this key road match off two clean sheets.  They’re better on both sides of the ball than Queretaro.  Which makes this match being IN Queretaro so awesome.  Noob’s absolutely finding someone with ESPN Deportes in order to catch this one (6:00 PM).

RESULT:   Tigres   0-2    A.P. Gignac with both goals

  1. Chelsea vs. Liverpool – England Premier League

These two just played a few days ago, in the EFL Trophy tournament.  (Chelsea won 1-2).  You can learn a Noob-bit about it on the Vocab page for this site.

I’d love to be able to truthfully say I didn’t include in on that day’s Track because I knew they were playing a more important league match today.  But that would make me a lie-ahh!  Noob scouted it.  Fully intended to do a mini-preview.    Crapped the bed, skipping right over it on the ol’ spreadsheet.

Oh, how long will Noob suffer his own Noobishness!  Will this Dantean circle of hell ever be written out of the accursed book?

Get a grip, Noob.  There’s no soccer in “The Inferno”. 

Oh, The Management, you cannot pull Noob from the fire and anguish in my own mind, brought on by my own footyball incompetence!

Just – do the damn mini-preview.

Right!  Liverpool are #1.  6-0-0.  Two other clubs are 5-1-0.  Chelsea is one of those.  Neither has the overall offensive striking capability of defending champs Man City, so this match is super-duper key to the league race.  Also, Liverpool hasn’t beaten them in their last four attempts.

Names to Listen For:  For Liverpool, Mo Salah is the smexy name, as he broke the league scoring record last year.  But it’s striker Daniel Sturridge that’s been keeping that engine firing of late.  Eden Hazard remains the focal point of everything Chelsea does.

There.  Feel better?  Hey now!  Put your shirt back on and that wire coat hanger away! 

The Management apologizes for needing to redact the next would-be portion of the blog, as Noob punishes himself so catastrophically as to make this the internet’s first-ever “snuff blog”.   (12:30 PM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   1-1     And guess who scored?  Hazard and then the very late one to tie it from Daniel Sturridge!

  1. Juventus vs. Napoli – Italy Serie A

Last year’s runaway #1 and #B teams from 2017-18 occupy the same two spots this year early on.  With world’s greatest player-Cristiano Ronaldo, Juve are 6-0-0 and looking unstoppable.

Napoli were soooper fun to watch for their wide-open offensive style last season, may once again pose the only real threat to Juve.  They’ve netted six goals their last two games, getting back into form.   (12:00 PM, Rai Italia)

RESULT:   Juve   3-1      Ronaldo with a pair of assits

  1. Real Madrid vs. Atletico Madrid – Spain La Liga

It’s “El Clasico” – two of the mighty powers of Spain’s always top-heavy league.  Real are tied for 1st with the current world dominator Barcelona.   They’ve had heaps of trouble with #3 Atletico in recent matches though.

Atletico like to keep the scores low, were and are a very defensive-minded group.  But if Real can find the back of the net early today at home, this is their match to lose.   (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for El Clasico funny

That actually looks like a fight scene from the Elijah Wood Movie “Green Street Hooligans” to Noob.

  1. USBM vs. Phare du Canal – Guadeloupe Division d’Honneur

How serious is Noob of late about us getting to know our CONCACAF brethren?   I didn’t look up and don’t even feel the need to double check my spelling of this league’s name.  Boom!

This league is unusual.  1)  They’re in CONCACAF despite being an overseas department of France. B)   They’re even part of the French football system while being in our local federation.  3)  Teams get four points for a win, two for a draw, and one for just being on the schedule (by which I mean a loss).

Ooh, and check out how close this title race was last year.  CSM beat both these teams out by a single point.  These two finished #B and #3 and were themselves separated by just one tiebreaking goal in differential for the entire season.

The season just started a week or so ago.  Noob is curious to see if the league race is wide open year to year if the same teams will be front-running again.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Thun vs. Young Boys of Bern – Switzerland Super League

FC Basel is the name Noob consistently hears on satellite radio shows regarding Switzerland.  But it’s YBB who are 8-0-0 to start.  (Check out Noobstradamus’ vision regarding YBB’s last home game to learn some history on the naming of city-Bern.  If you can pick it out through the sheer inanity!)  They’re scoring well over three goals per match and sports the league’s top defense early on.

#B Thun score second-most in the land, but have to sacrifice D to do it.  Still, this may be the top contender to Bern’s likely title.  No other club in the league even has a positive GD to date.

RESULT:   YBB   1-4

Image result for Thun Switzerland funny

 

Noob’s going to start playing lottery, win, and buy Oberhofen Castle on Lake Thun.

You’re invited to party.

  1. Riga vs. RFS – Latvia Higher League

Noobites will also see this as “Virsliga” some places.  Because Noob knows you’re going to look for Latvian football content multiple places.  *bonnnnngggg*  It’s the 42nd-ranked league in UEFA, after all.

But what can Noob say?  I’m attracted to shiny things, and nothing glistens like a 1-B matchup.   And every member country gets at least its champ into Champions League.  Noob actually does know you’ll be looking at that.

They’re about 2/3 of the way through their season already.  Riga have opened up a four-point lead on both Riga and Ventsplis.  While not unique, it is rare to see a team on top that leans so heavily on their defense only.  Their offense is actually below average compared to the entire eight-team league.

Riga had won 13 matches in a row until their scoreless draw last outing.  If not for a tough start to their season, they’d already have bought polish for the league trophy.

Meanwhile, RFS just got off a three-match, scoreless losing streak.  If they can get a W today, this league race is going to be a dandy to follow, #42-rank or not.

RESULT:   Riga FC   1-2     Noob had the home and away sides turned around

  1. APOEL Nicosia vs. AEK Larnaca – Cyprus Super Cup

One of Noob’s first-ever Twitter (@SoccerNoobUSA) followers was a proud mama of two boys who both played or maybe even still play for APOEL.  Cypriot soccer will often win a tiebreaker for Track inclusion.

Also, please join Noob in shock and amazement at not realizing how strong this league is.  I’d have guessed closer to eighteenth from the bottom than actual #18 in UEFA.

After 20 years of the event being held in Nicosia, the times have changed.  Larnaca hosts today.  They won the country’s FA Cup last season to earn their place here.  APOEL won the league title, as is often the case.  With apologies to that lovely APOEL mom, Noob thinks Larnaca’s rise will continue.  They’re winning today in AET or penalty kicks.

RESULT:   Larnaca   1-1  /  1-4  pens       Wow.  Called that one!

Image result for Catacomb of Faneromeni Church

 

 

So long from the Catacomb of Phaneroni Church, Larnaca!  

 

The city name most likely means “coffer”, referring to the massive number of sarcophagi found at this and other sites in the city.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – more UEFA women’s Champions League in our lives

Time for our last two matches of the Midweek Edition.  Fine, quality footyball to be found in both.   This, despite how bonkers Wednesday got in the writing.

Remember to scroll farther down for Tues. and Wed. results.  And to consider following SoccerNoobUSA on the tweeter.  And to patronize establishments which have replaced plastic straws with alternatives like bamboo.

Thursday

  1. Zurich vs. Honka – UEFA women’s Champions League

How little parity is there in the women’s game?  There are six matches being played today in this event, all second legs.  Every home team today is ahead on aggregate, meaning they all won their away games.  No draws even.

This is the closest one.  More, both were champions of their domestic leagues last season.  Zurich won 0-1 in Finland.  They get a chance to wrap this up neatly at home in Switzerland today.

RESULT:   Zurich   5-1      Fabienne Humm with the first three scores

  1. Olimpija Llubljana vs. Gorica – Slovenia Liga

It’s a lighter day for league games – not uncommon.   There are tons of FA Cup matches form various countries Noobites can Google up.  But none of the “big” countries’ events are far enough along to catch my eye today, while the ones who are a little deeper into their tournaments are “smaller” nations’.

So, welcome to the #30 league in Europe, nestled lovingly between Romania and Slovakia, just below average ordinally.  These clubs are #B and #3 about ten matches into their season.

O.J. trail historic and current #1 Maribor by four in the table.  Gorica have overachieved to this point.  They don’t have nearly the offense of any other team in the top half of the league.  Nor do they play the defense to make up for that.  They’ve lost just one (four wins, four draws).  But today, that total gets doubled.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for ljubljana funny

 

So long from Ljubljnana, home of Olimpija and the Museum of Illuisions!

(Noob assumes these patrons are actually real.)

 

Wednesday 

#B.  Houston Dynamo vs. Philadelphia Union – U.S. Open Cup

The final!  $300,000 cash prize on the line, plus an automatic berth into the next CONCACAF Champions League.  Bet there will be a spit-polished fancy trophy, too.

Not all the teams have been playing all their starters leading up to today.  Understandable, saving energies for league games.  Noob’s not at all sure why Houston’s bothered.  Their GD holds up, indicates they’re a capable bunch.  But waaaay too many draws have them down in 10th in the West.  They won’t catch a sniff of the league Playoffs.

Meanwhile, Philly is here for the third time in five years.  They’re 5th in the much tougher-at-the-top Eastern Conference.  Goal differential is negative, but they’re win-or-bust.  Just four draws all season.

New Jersey-born Bedoya attacking midfielder gets talked a lot about being the key to the Unioin’s success.  Mayhaps.   But Noob thinks the key man for them will their Czech international Borek Dockal.  He leads the league in assists.  After a comparatively quiet September, Philly needs him controlling possession and servicing passes like a champ.

The Dynamo have been seemingly all over the map stylistically in league of late.   Will keeper Joe Wills have to make a barrage of saves because they’ll be sending everyone forward?  Whether they do or not, look for Colombian international forward Mauro Monatas to get in the scoring early.  He doesn’t convert a high percentage of his chances, yet ranks sixth in league goal-scoring.

Noob thinks this is very even matchup.  If you live where gambling is legal and can get straight-up odds, take Houston.  Philly didn’t capture the title in either of their last two tries.  And the road is the road, woefully hard to win on it any given day.   (8:00 PM EST, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Houston   3-0       Monatas with a pair of first-half scores

Image result for letter B trophy

 

 

Number B’s design idea for the USOC trophy.

  1. NYCYC vs. Chicago Fire – Major League Soccer

Your ‘Muricuhn soccer undercard is this one, the only league match today.  And it’s what Noob deems a “Hiccup Watch”.  NYCFC should – on paper – beat them handily, especially at home.  Or will they have a hiccup.

In Match #B, Noob noted the East was the tougher conference, but at the top specifically.  The West is stronger when comparing teams in similar positions further down the standings.  Chicago are 10th in the East and not nearly as good as Houston, even independent of the latter’s appearance in the Cup Final.

That said, the Fire are showing at least a little spunk of late.  They just earned a road draw against Playoffs-bound Philly.  Right before that, they kicked the tar out of Orlando City (worst club in the East) 4-0.

Couple that with NYCFC’s current skid of late and one is forced to wonder if the Fire can’t get a result tonight.  The Blues have faced six straight Postseason-caliber teams and beaten none of them.  Really, they haven’t won against a “good” team since mid-July (Columbus Crew).  The trouble?  The offense has gone Houdini on them.

Without attacking midfielder Jesus Medina still likely out (hamstring), veteran Spanish scorer David Villa must find his early-season form.  Otherwise, Chicago is getting a scalp with which to salvage their non-Playoff wounds.   (7:00 PM, ESPN+)

RESULT:   NYCYC   2-0      David Villa with one of the goals

  1. Queretaro vs. Dorados De Sinaloa – Copa MX

Just Match #1 of the Midweek for some details about where things are in this event.

Noob goes fishing for Minnow once again!   Sinaloa are in 12th in the Ascenso.  The consider scoring to be gauche, ungentlemanly, and eschew it nearly always.

Liga MX side Pachuca are in 13th.  They score a little more against the bigger boys, but also play better defense.  They’re in 13th, but will climb.  Queretaro 2-0 today feels like an easy prediction.   (8:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Queretaro   2-1      Camilo with both goals for the victors

 

 

 

A clear ball and a funky hat.   The prognostication business feels pretty easy.

  1. Brondby vs. Juventus – UEFA women’s Champions League

The Round of 16 wraps up this week as they play the second matches of two-legged ties.

Beyond the very best few teams in the world, Noob is still desperately unversed on the women’s side of the game.  But life is long, so here’s us learning!

This is the closest tie of those being played today.  Brondby earned a 2-2 draw at Juve in the first match.  I have a general sense that Nordic countries play and host a lot of quality women’s soccer.  While that may not mean that they don’t further south, Noob looks for the Danish club to topple the Italians today.

RESULT:   Brondby   1-0

  1. Young Boys of Bern vs. St. Gallen – Switzerland Super League

Last year, St. Gallen finished midtable while sporting about the worst defense in the league.   They weren’t even that good at offense.  Early this season, they’re better on both side of the ball, sitting on 3rd as their reward.

RESULT:   YBB   2-0

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

Look who’s back —  It’s NOOBSTRADAMUS!   

He was right quick to get pissed off, point out to Noob that real prognostication isn’t for amateurs.   

 

And he’s had a vision.  God help us.

Yes.

I close my eyes, lose myself to space and time.  When I open my eyes, I know it is not in the true corporeal world.   I am having a Vision.  I am in the Vision.

I only have a vague sense of who I am, an attendant of some kind to the Duke of Zahringen, Berchtold V.  We’re out hunting.  It’s the late 12th C.  And it’s cold.  This vision sucks.

Old Berchty, as those closer to him refer to him here and now, is bored of life in Zahringen after succeeding his late father just five years in.  What better way to cure that than to, oh, found a new city. 

“I’m going to name it Berchtyland!”   He gets no response from his entourage.  “Berchtycity?”

“Perhaps you could name it after something you see, find, sire.”

Berchty’s a crabby apple, must be feeling the cold as well.  He backhands the attendant, breaking his nose.  But to his credit, he considers the idea.

“That might be too much.  Everything in Swabia has our family name all over it.  I will name the city which I shall raise here after the first animal we find!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  Probably because Berchty wasn’t the sharpest knife in the kitchen and other ideas he might come up with would be more likely to be worse than better.  But a squirrel bolted across our path just then, stirring out horses.

“Squirreltyton!  Perfect!”

“Brilliant, um, but I think there is already a ‘Squirreltyton’ a few duchies west of Swabia.  You surely don’t want to be found copying anyone.”

It was total bunco.  But again, our liege is dim.  We rode on.  Stopping for a drink at a stream, the Duke saw a worm.  And he looked like he was trying to think extra hard.  

Sensing the need to avert disaster, another attendant whispered in my ear.  I nodded at his idea and sneaked off a little ways, cloak and fur hat in hand.

When the party started to remount, I started shoving branches and bushes around, making much din, from a distance.  Close enough to be seen, but just.  I had put my cloak over my head and the fur hat just so and thrashed around a bit more, growling all the while.

“My liege, look, a noble bear!  it would honor all his kind for its name to be taken for your city.”  The attendant who’d whispered this idea to me was a sly one. 

“Quite right!   We’ll name the city “Bern”, since that’s in our language.  I’ll bet he’s majestic!  Let’s kill it.  Since we’re hunting and stuff.”

Not wanting his own nose broken and leaving Noobstradamus high and dry, my peer said nothing.  The Duke, though a dolt, was a good shot.  His arrow found its mark, piercing my leg and catching an artery.  I knew I was done for. 

The best I could do was limp frantically away upstream and then throw myself in the water.  If Berchtold tracked the blood trail, found my body and discovered the ruse, he’d perhaps kill everyone in a rage.  And name the town-to-be ‘Wormyville’. 

As the cold water took me away – damn this cold again! – the lifeblood leaking out of me caught in a small eddy and formed the words ‘Bern 3-0 over St. Gallen’.  

And THAT is how you prognosticate.  You’re amateur hour, sir.  Good day.

— Noobstradamus, wait!  Noob as so many non-soccer questions for you.

I said ‘Good day’, sir!

  1. Norrkoping vs. Malmo – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Eight points behind 1st-place AIK.  If traditional co-behemoth Malmo are going to make a move with just 1/3 of the season remaining, they’d best hop to it.

They’ll have to hope with much vigor to get a result today.  Malmo may have the better GD, but #B Norrkoping are very good, and especially so on defense.  That’s tough to get past on someone else’s pitch.

RESULT:   Norrkoping   3-1      Kalle Holmberg with two first-half scores

  1. Maccabi Tel Aviv vs. Maccabi Haifa – Israel Toto Cup

This is not the country’s FA Cup, which is considered more important.  This tournament is just for clubs from the top two divisions.  It’s largely used to give reserves and young player a chance for minutes, plus testing out some foreign players.

Still, it’s a Final today!   The site is Petach Tikva, neutral.  MTA finished runner-up last year in the Premier, while M. Haifa were 10th.  Things are much the same early in 2018-19, as they’re #1 and #9 now.

RESULT:   MTA   2-1       They got the winning goal at 85′

Image result for toto cup trophy

 

 

A Toto Cup trophy.  

Sort of a walking taco-motif.

 

Tuesday

  1. Pachuca vs. Cafetaleros de Tapachula – Copa MX

Midweek games tend to be centered around Cup tournaments.  They save the league matches for the weekends.  In Mexico, just as the yearly league season is divided into two separate halves (Apertura and Clausura), so they also concurrently play Apertura and Clausura Cups.   This is the Apertura underway, and they’ve moved on from the Group Stage and now begin the Knockout Stage with 16 teams.

One of Noob’s great joys is looking for Minnow – lower-division underdogs – in the Cups.  Since this Copa only involves teams from the top two divisions, can’t get any more Minnow-y than last place in the D2 Ascenso.  And guess what?   Tapachula is right there.   They’re so lousy on defense, Noob wonders if they’d stand up for their own mothers.

Um, Noob?  Don’t you think it’s classier to leave the mothers out of most any contentious talk?

Thanks for chiming in, The Management.  You may be right.  But I will not be filtered!  They are awful in that half.  Probably going down to whatever hell the third tier is.  Will they even get paid?

Pachuca are in 13th in the top-tier Liga MX.  They’re GD suggests they’re better than that.   How the “Baristas” got this far is—

Noob.  “Cafetalero” is “coffee grower”.

Be still, The Management!  Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you don’t need to stow it.

How Tapachula got this far is beyond me.  On paper, Pachuca should manhandle them and their grown coffee.

Manhandle their grown coffee?   That doesn’t even make sense.  But you know what?  Carry on.

Oh, I will.  But not today muahahahahaha.   (8:00 PM EST, ESPN Deportes)

Image result for fighting with the management funny

This is why Noob does not listen to you, The Management.   

Well, not exactly why not.

RESULT:   Pachuca   3-0      Jose Leonardo Ulloa with all three goals

 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (9/22) – NWSL championship leads the way!

So what IS Noob?  I am Noob.  This site is Noob.   Most importantly, Noob is of two main facets:

Bringing Noobites the ten most important matches to follow, from the perspective the (well, a) newish American fan of the global game.

Noob also fancies himself to be the Sunday comics section to the rest of the more mainstream, serious soccer sites out there.  Even if it’s closer to just old Farside than any other strips.

Now, feast on a kick-ass slate of matches today!

  1. Portland Thorns vs. North Carolina Courage – National Women’s Soccer League

American women’s soccer fans, the Final you deserve is here.   Regular season #B hosts #1!   Some places might have NC listed first as the top seed, but they’re playing it in Portland because of Florence.

Portland’s Lindsey Horen was just announced as league’s Player of the Year, having finished 3rd in scoring.  NC’s Lynn Williams was runner-up in that category.  Both also sport top-notch attacking passers.

Noob thinks the difference-maker for Portland will have to be secondary scorer Christine Sinclair.  Two goals with one being by her and the Thorns will hoist the trophy.   Otherwise, the one-loss superpower Courage win.   (4:30 PM EST, Lifetime)

RESULT:   Courage   0-3       Hail to the victors!    Jessica McDonald with a pair of scores.

B.  Atlanta United vs. Real Salt Lake – Major League Soccer

League-leaders in putting points on the board, Atlanta look to extend their four-point lead in the Eastern Conference.  Meanwhile, RSL lead the Noob in riling me UP.

Original owner Dave Ricketts decided when the club was formed to tie into a club that doesn’t suck (Real Madrid).  Never mind that Madrid get to be royal because of a king’s patronage.  Rickett’s is a JetBlue board member, which is anything but monarchal in the corporate world.

Oh yeah, and they’re 5th in the West.  It’s a good matchup.  But RSL needs to lose for Noob’s belief in an omni-benevolent god in the universe to be confirmed.   (7:00 PM, ESPN+)

RESULT:   ATL   2-0

Image result for Letter B holy

 

 

 

Number B – straightening Noob out on the whole omni-benevolent God-matter.

  1. Montreal Impact vs. NYCFC – Major League Soccer

Noob’s been writing of late that Montreal have been recently and surprisingly frisky.   Turns out, they made their big move in June and early July.   We live, we learn, Noobites.  They’re in 6th, and top eight will make the Playoffs.

NYCFC are somehow still in 3rd, despite not having won a match in five weeks.  They’re in no danger of dropping out of the playoffs this late in the regular season.  But it’s looking like they need some kind of shock to the system to get them moving back up toward a top-two seed.   That wold mean multiple postseason home matches.  (7:30 PM, ESPN+)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Manchester United vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers – English Premier League

No two teams from the table’s top are battling today in the PL, but we do get a match with two teams in strange positions.

Man Utd. have won three in a row, though that only pulls them up into 8th place.  And those victories were over two bad league teams and an overmatched Swiss side in the Champions League.

Wolverhampton have also had three wins a row, also over weaker competition (two poor PL sides and a second-division team in the EFL Cup).  They didn’t allow a goal to any of them, either.

All considered, it’s about impossible to not consider the evergreen powerhouse that is Man U the favorites.  Wolverhampton have seen some early success after having been Promoted, but they have to score more than a single goal per match to keep it up.

RESULT:   1-1     Or maybe one per game can keep you afloat!   On a side note, Man Utd’s goal was scored by “Fred”.   Yup.  Just Fred.

Image result for wolverhampton wanderers funny

 

 

Feel about it how you will, Wolvers, Noob calls it as seen.

  1. Toluca vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

Another league dear to our hearts that isn’t featuring a 1-B matchup or anything close.  But we have what I have called a “Hiccup Watch”.

Toluca is 5th here in the Apertura (first half-season).  Top eight make the Playoffs.  By table position, Necaxa should be toast on the road.

Thing is, they haven’t lost to Toluca in many consecutive matches.  Noob’s not convinced Toluca an avoid having a Hiccup tonight.  Momentum, inertia – powerful forces.  (6:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Toluca   3-2

  1. Schalke 04 vs. Bayern Munich – Germany Bundesliga

Last year’s #B and #1 face off!  The exclamation point could be overkill in a way, though.

Schalke have lost all three of its matches to start the new league year.  More, none of those opponents were teams that finished anywhere near the top in 2017-18.  Noob’s not ready to call their 1-1 Champions League home draw against Portugal’s FC Porto a sign that everything is turned around now.

Bayern are 3-0-0, doing Bayern-y things to all.  (12:30 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Bayern   0-2

Image result for Bayern Munich things

 

Ummmm…

Isn’t anything we do Bayern-y by definition? 

Can we do otherwise?

  1. Al Ahly vs. Horoya AC – CAF Champions League

Not long ago, Noob Tracked the first match of this two-legged Quarterfinal.   Africa’s greatest team went to Guinean Horoya and only got a 0-0 draw.  By ELO ratings, this is a team the Egyptians should utterly wreck, no matter whose pitch their playing on.

Still, now they get to take care of business at home.  Perhaps they won’t assume Horoya will just lay down for them this leg.

RESULT:   Al -Ahly    4-0    

  1. Pittsburgh Riverhounds vs. Indy Eleven – United Soccer League

Noob tends to shy away a little from second division leagues on weekends, even Amuricuh’s.   Just sooo much D1 football here and the world over.

But “an opening” was created when one of the teams in a Nadeshiko 1 match I’d pre-listed dropped too far in the standings to meet Noob’s exacting criteria.  Match 8 was going to be three-time defending champion NTV Beleza hosting Noob-fave Urawa Red Diamond Ladies.  Alas, Urawa has slipped to midtable.

RESULT:   Pitt   3-2

Image result for The Situation abs

 

I got the word, Noob!

Urawa’s #1 U.S. supporter and unofficial spokesman mascot is back once again.

<—  Where the sushi goes.

 

 

Sorry, The Situation.  I know you were excited.  Don’t worry, you’ll still get your appearance fee.

Image result for The Situation angry

 

 

I’d better!   I’m still waiting for them all from last season.

 

Check, er, checks are in the mail, The Situation.

Aaaaanyway, Pitt and Indy are 3rd and 5th-place in the USL Eastern Conference.  Top eight make the Playoffs.  Top four get home-pitch advantage to start out.

Riverhounds are the class of the entire league, defensively.  Thankfully, not just by taking the air out of the ball, they score more than a little.  Indy are more balanced, but seem like they’ve peaked in what they can achieve.  Their D is just mediocre.

  1. Coleraine vs. Linfield – Northern Ireland Football League Premier

It’s merely semi-pro ball, one of Europe’s lower-ranked leagues.  But Western Europe is always on Noob’s radar.  These are two perennial powers, #1 and #3 in the early season-table.  They’re also the only two who haven’t yet lost.

RESULT:   0-0     That’s one boring way to make sure you each stay undefeated.

# Honorable Mention:    At odds with Noob’s desire to keep things mostly D1 on weekends is my utter inability to stay away from shiny 1-B matchups.  So before we wrap up, Noob sends the hippest of shouts out (shout outs?) to Ross County and Inverness of Scotland’s second-tier Championship League, #B and #1 there.  Go fight win!

  1. Hiroshima vs. FC Tokyo – Japan J1 League

Hiroshima looked ready to run away with the league title not too far back.   And while they haven’t played poorly the last month, they’ve scuffled just enough to give hope to more traditionally great Kawasaki.  They’re better on both sides of the ball than #3 FCT.

But a loss – hardly unthinkable – and that Kawasaki group could pull to within a point of the league lead.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for hiroshima fun

 

So long from Hiroshima!   

Try to visit when you can catch the Flower Festival.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (9/16) – DC Utd just keep a’comin’!

Yesterday, Noob cheated.  I snuck in ~30 matches into the ten mini-previews.   It was gluttonous, and that’s sinful.  Today, we’ll stick with the ten.

Pretty varied for a Sunday, not just the usual suspects.

  1. North Carolina Courage vs. Chicago Red Stars – National Women’s Soccer League Playoffs

Tthoughts, heartfelt prayers to all affected by Hurricane Florence.  This match has been moved to Tuesday.

B.  D.C. United vs. New York Red Bulls – Major League Soccer

Conference matches are in progress as Noob composes, but at this moment, this will be #7 hosting #B.

The D.C. story has been remarkable.  Signing all-time great Wayne Rooney has turned there season around to a degree only the most hopeful could’ve, well, hoped for.  Last place to one slot out of the playoffs, with enough games to easily climb further.

Haven’t talked about this, but the Rooney signing also plays into a discussion about league makeup.  Many think it’s not a good thing for MLS to serve as a “retirement league” for European stars.  They may say it doesn’t specifically improve the product, and/or might take away a spot from a developing American player.

Rooney’s not the first to move stateside after his prime (though he’s only in his early 30’s), won’t be the last.  Noob’s in favor of such.  Let’s have stars!    If the game is going to get really big here, it needs to be shiny, get people interested.  Perhaps American player growth can then follow.

Aaanywho.   NYRB just got drubbed by the suddenly and surprisingly feisty Montreal Impact.   That’s their first loss since July.  It will be interesting to see how they react.   (1:00 PM EST, ESPN)

RESULT:   3-3      NYRB’s Wright-Phillips will all three goals for his side

Image result for old letter B funny

 

 

Number B – young, vibrant, not retiring anytime soon

  1. Santos vs. Leon – Liga MX

Another for which the standings might’ve changed by match time.  Right now, Santos are in a four-way tie for 5th, Leon in a tie for 12th.  They’re about equally-skilled defensively.  Leon short on offense, though, and that puts them in a bad way on the road today.   (5:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Santos   3-0

  1. Wolverhampton Wanderers vs. Burnley – English Premier League

The two EPL matches today each feature a winless team.   Noob’s going with this one for two reasons.

#12 Wolverhampton were just Promoted this year, and it’s fun to see how those clubs hold up.  WW are staying well above the cutline early, .500 record.   However, they’re doing it with small ball.  They pack it in on defense in lieu of trying to score much themselves.   It might work to keep them in the PL another season, but no more than that.

Burnley finished 7th last season, getting the league’s last qualify spot for Europa League.  And they did it playing small ball themselves.  So what does Noob know.

This season, they’re still not scoring, but on favor of more than mediocre defense.   Noob’s got a feeling we’ll be seeing Burnley on some Relegation Monday editions of the Track.   (8:30 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Wolverhampton   1-0

Image result for Burnley funny

 

 

 

Perhaps Noob is being premature.

  1. Diriangen vs. Managua – Nicaragua Primera

Noob’s enhanced focus on CONCACAFfeination continues!   it’s not a ton of info to start, but we’re going to get some familiarity .

Last year’s #B and #1.   it’s very early in their new season, but Managua are at it again – undefeated.  Diriangen are in 4th, scuffling on the defensive side.

RESULT:   Diriangen   1-0

  1. Derry City vs. Cobh Ramblers – League of Ireland Cup

Noob’s impression is that this is a secondary tournament in prestige to the FAI Cup.  Still, when Noob sees a Final, it’s on!

Derry City are a midtable team from the Irish Premier.  Cobh are actually below average in the second division.   Let’s see that shiny trophy.

RESULT:   Derry   3-1    Hail to the victors!

Image result for funny soccer trophy

 

 

Noob doesn’t think so.

But here’s to hoping!

  1. Midtjylland vs. Copenhagen – Denmark Super Liga

Last season, Copenhagen finished 4th and had to win a playoff match for the league’s last entry into the Europa League.  This season – 1st, so far.  Midtjylland are the defending champions, #B right now.

It’s early, but GD is indicating these two might both create some real separation between them and the rest of the pack.

RESULT:   Midtj   3-1

  1. Norrkoping vs. AIK – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

It’s probably too late for #4 Norrkoping to make a run at the league title, 20 matches into the season.   But they’re only a point out of 3rd, which would get them into the next Europa League at least.

Noob thinks they’ve overachieved, will fall badly to #1 and defending champs AIK.  The league leaders only give up a goal every other match on average.  Champions League-bound.

RESULT:   Norrk   2-0

Image result for don't google this warning

 

1)  “Sweden” and “bound” as part of any search parameters.

Terrifying.

  1. Once Caldas vs. Atletico Junior – Colombia Primera A

These two are #3 and #4, but things are very tight at the top in Colombia.   Statistically, both teams look like they belong.

Tolima and Equidad above them in the table are not club names that resonate with Noob.  Atletico Junior does, and they’ll find the cracks in O.C.’s defense, get a W today.   (6:15 PM, RCN Nuestra Tele)

RESULT:   O.C.   1-0

  1. Alianza Lima vs. Sporting Cristal – Peru Primera

Peru’s season is divided into three parts, unlike so in much of South America.  Cristal won the first two stages.  Alianza were forgettable during the Verano, but rose to #B in the Apertura.  The third, Clausura stage is barely begun.

The winner of each Stage qualifies for both national championship Playoffs (and the next Copa Libertadores), so Cristal is already in.  Not only that, but by winning two Stages, Cristal will get a bye into the Championship Final.

Alianza will have to win the Clausura to qualify.   The fourth team that will get in is the best non-winning team from all three Stages combined.  Alianza’s much too far down that aggregate table to get in that way.  Good luck to the, trying to even score on Cristal.  No one in Colombia ever does these days.

RESULT:      ppd

Image result for La Victoria District LimaSo long from La Victoria District, Lima, home of Alianza!

image of the Lord of the Miracles of La Victoria

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (9/15) – the most footyball ever covered on Noob

“The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game”.  Oh ho, Noob’s cheating today.

The list of the previews-proper are still ten   But we’re directly acknowledging three times as many Track-worthy matches today!

Gorge, Noobites.  Feeeast!!

  1. Portland Thorns vs. Seattle Reign – National Women’s Soccer League Playoffs

At last, the postseason!  These are the #B and #3 seeds of the four teams participating.

In their last match of the regular season, Portland beat Seattle to secure their runner-up status.  Their reward is getting to host today’s one-off.  There will be no return trip to Seattle.  The other two times they met in 2018, the matches were in Seattle, which won them both.

Portland is the more offensively-minded group by far, will look to push the pace hard.  The most likely names to see pairing up for scores are Lindsey Horan and Tobin Heath, second and first in league goals and assists, respectively.

For Seattle, their defensive player of the year Rebekah Scott will have her hands full.   She plays outside back, a position from which she can often feed their offensive threat, Megan Rapinoe.  Noob’s not sure she’ll be anything but pinned back on defense today though.   (3:00 PM EST, Lifetime)

RESULT:   Portland   2-1       Horan and Heath each scored.  

B.  FC Dallas vs. Columbus Crew – Major League Soccer

This is just one of three Track-worthy MLS matches on the day.  Noob’s highlighting this one for a couple reasons.

First – Dallas are still #1 in the Western Conference, having wrested the spot away from Kansas City midseason.  Surprising – their play has been incredibly spotty.  They just had a nice home win over rivals Houston last match, yet have lost twice to San Jose since August.  (The ‘Quakes can’t beat almost anyone else.  Ever.)  The offense and defense both come and go.

Second – how much longer will Noob get to type “Columbus Crew” without it being an historical reference?  Their ownership moving them to Austin is hardly a done deal, but it remains a likelihood.

As for their current season, they’re #4 in the East with plenty of table-space above and below.  They just got a big confidence boost taking down #3 NYCFC.  Noob wonders if they might night find today’s a trap game of sorts.    (8:00 PM, ESPN+)

Other MLS matches:   *Philadelphia Union vs. Montreal Impact – The East’s #5 and #6 fight to stay there, the conference’s final playoff spots;  *Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Seattle Sounders – the West’s #6 and #7, separated by one little point in the table.  Seattle have won eight straight.

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Yes, Number B.  You got to feature three matches.

And so three of you.  Well-done.

  1. CF America vs. Monarcas Morelia – Liga MX

It warms the cockles of a Noob-heart to see Morelia struggling.   While I feel far more strongly anti-royalty with American-named clubs than Mexico, there’s still no kings and queens in N.A.  Foolishness!  Go, CFA!

Club America are in a four-way tie for 3rd place at nearly the halfway point here in the Apertura (first half-season).  They’re the strongest of them, too, in goal differential and INHO.  They’d been struggling a touch, but a trip to lowly Lobos BUAP was just what was needed last match (0-2 win).

Morelia hasn’t won in a month.  Their defense makes the sad.   (8:00 PM, Univision)

Other Mexican matches of note:   *Pumas UNAM vs. Tijuana  — in Liga MX Femenil, Pumas are #4 in their Group.  Top two from each will make the playoffs.  They’re in the mix, but the least of the best there.   Tijuana are in 6th;   Zacatecas vs. Atlante – second-division Ascenso MX #1 and #3.

RESULT:   CF America   2-1

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Credit to Dan – the former Intern-o Inferno – for showing us just how lowly BUAP truly is.

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Liverpool – English Premier League

Last year’s #3 and #4 face off.

Liverpool have won all four of their early matches this season, though the toughest team they’ve faced is probably Leicester (meh).   Hotspur thrashed Man Utd – on the road, no less – then turned right around and threw it away with a loss to Watford.  They’re both likely to be in the title chase for a while, contend for top-four finishes, Champions League berths.

Since it’s a new season, allow Noob to explain to less-tenured Noobites about the strikethrough.   Tottenham Hotspur is named for Harry “Hotspur” Percy.  He was an historic traitor, flipflopping multiple times with his loyalties.  He was a scalawag and ne’er-do-well and Noob will carry no truck with such!

Good thing that didn’t get weird at the end…   (7:30 AM, NBCSN)\

RESULT:   Liverpool   1-2

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Shewsbury – the site of Percy’s death by arrow – is hallowed ground 

  1. 1 de Agosto vs. TP Mazembe – CAF Champions League

This is the first leg of a Quarterfinal tie.

Angola’s representative host first.   Their domestic league is on the rise, looks to jump from 17th to a top-10 spot in the African rankings next year.  TP Mazembe plays out of DR Congo’s top league, #3-best in Africa.  1dG would be doing well to get a draw at home.  To have a chance at advancing, they’ll have to.

Today’s other QF:   Esperance vs. Etoile du Sahel – Tunisia’s two best clubs face off.  They don’t keep them apart in the draws there I guess.  They’re both a lot better than the two featured teams above.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. FC Olexandria vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – Ukraine Premier

Ukraine’s top flight have climbed to #8 among domestic league in Europe.  Noobites should know something about this bunch.  We feature matches from their frequently.

And so, welcome to the Track, FCO!   Almost 100% sure this is the first time they’ve been featured.   They were mid-table all last season.  Seven matches into 2018-19, they’re #B.  But the current and historic #1 comes to town today to test their mettle.    Shakhtar average 2.5 goals a match, roughly.

Other top #1-#B UEFA matchups:  *Slovan Bratislava vs. Dunajska Streda — #1 hosts #B in what should be a shootout in Slovakia’s Super Liga;  Ferencvaros vs. Budapest Honved — #1 hosts #B in the Hungarian NB 1.  Honved will try and slow down the only team in the league averaging over two goals per match.

RESULT:   Donetsk   0-2

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No, FC Olexandria – Noob applauds YOU for being Track-worthy

  1. Stjarnan vs. Breioablik – Iceland FA Cup

Their league might not be even as highly-rated as the honorable mentions in Track match #6, but Noob’s always down for a Cup Final!

A question plaguing Noob is:  how much do these clubs care about the FA Cup?   It can be legitimately asked anywhere, at least by those of us who are truly noob.  Nowhere have I heard or read thy’re considered anything but a moderate to distant second in importance to the league title.

It’s especially relevant here, as Iceland’s Urvalsdeild league gets only one Champions League invite and these two are #B and #3.  Stjarnan, in fact, is just a point behind league-leaders Valur.  Will they play all starters in pursuit of this trophy, or save energy for the home stretch of their league season?

Today’s championship match is at the National Stadium in Reykjavik.  If they’re both playing full strength, Stjarnan have to be considered at last a 3:2 fave to win in regulation.

RESULT:   Stjarnan   0-0  /  4-1   pens

  1. Santa Gema vs. Independiente – Panama Football League

Noob’s been making a concerted effort here during the second year of this site to pay greater attention to all CONCACAF leagues.  And #1-#B matches shine like the sun.   This is one!

If the current pattern holds, this league is going to have one heckuva title race in 2018-19.   They’re just a few matches in, but good golly these teams end their matches in lots of draws!   Noob’s not sure if the league as a whole lacks offensive talent or if the general strategy employed there is defense.  Either way, they don’t see a ton of goals.

Saint Gema are the only undefeated team remaining, but have won just four of seven.  Independiente trail them by three points in the table.

RESULT:   Independiente    0-2       And we have a new #1!

The other #1-#B CONCACAF matchup:  *Fruta Conquerors vs. Guyana Defense Force – Guyana’s GFF Elite League – The Conquerors have an outrageous 48-5 GD.  Still, halfway through the season, they lead GDF by just five in the table.

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Noob just said CONCACAF leagues are getting more attention here.  

Warning unwarranted.

  1. Kawasaki Frontale vs. Consadole Sapporo – Japan J1 League

The defending champs from Kawasaki are #B now, 2/3 of the way through the 2018 season.  Even so, they’re way off Hiroshima’s pace.

Sapporo were below mid-table last year, have improved mightily to be the current #4.  Last season, that would’ve been good enough to get them into the AFC Champions League.  Not this year.  Just the top three now.

Noob’s uncertain if the AFC is distributing more bids to lower-ranked countries’ leagues now, or if J1 League lost a slot due to a drop in confederation ranking.  Regardless, Sapporo need to play far better defense if they want to be in any postseason discussion.

RESULT:   Kawasaki   7-0    not a typo

Before we hit #10, Noob’s including some Honorable Mention matches.  Every one one of them involves two teams in the top quarter (or top three) of their leagues (at least as of five days ago), or there are specific playoff implications:

*USL – conference #2 Pittsburgh Riverhounds vs. #4 Louisville FC, plus #6 Swope Park Rangers vs. #9 Saint Louis FC;  Poland Ekstraklasa — Wisla Krakow vs. Lechia Gdansik was a #1 vs. #B when scouted a few days ago, but two teams which have played an extra match leapfrogged W.K.;  English Football Championship — #6 Bristol City and #3 Sheffield United would be in the second-divisions Promotion playoff tournament were the season over today.

Belgium First Division A — #B Genk vs. #3 Anderlecht;  Norway Eliteserien – #B FK Haugesund vs. #3 Brann;  Belarus Premier – #4 Shakhtyor Soligorsk vs. #3 Dinamo Minsk;  Slovenia Prva Liga — #B Aluminij vs. #3 Gorica;  Uruguay Primera – #B Nacional vs. #3 Montevideo Wanderers; two other Cup tournaments in early action include Portugal’s Taca de Liga and the Swiss FA Cup.

  1. Maldives vs. India – SAFF Championship

The Final!

Asia’s continental football confederation also has several sub-associations.  The South Asian Football Federation holds a Championship every other year.  It’s a standalone event for the current seven member nations, meaning it has no effect on qualifying for any other tournaments.

These are national teams that just aren’t going to see much of any success in most any other field of play.  Three of the seven are in the bottom ten in all Asia.  Two are the very bottom.  Our Finalists are the most-highly ranked in the world, just #150 and #96.  India would be even better, but.  You know.  Cricket.

RESULT:   Maldives   2-1    Upset city!

Image result for Dhaka weirdThey’ve been hosting this tournament Dhaka, Blangadesh.

Come back, Bear Grylls!