Tag: Estudiantes

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday – the matches of Suckitude

Soccer scheds far and wide tend to run a little lighter right after the weekend.  Natch.

We here at Noob take advantage by taking you on a journey of Suckitude!  Embrace the darkness of a Monday.  Let’s get to know some teams on the edge of getting Relegated from their leagues.

Or will we see Monday Miracles?

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Houston Dynamo – Major League Soccer

Houston is about to put a wrap on their season.  They just won the U.S. Open Cup.  But they’re in 10th here in the West, need a win to stay even mathematically alive for a postseason berth (top six from each conference get in).

Noob’s hoping they can manage exactly that!   When the opponent is Seattle, Noob will root for almost any team.  Little would please Noob more than to see the Sounders just lose and lose until they drop from 5th to out of the playoffs.

Noobites, I can’t ask you to join me on this journey of scorn.  The first hardcore soccer fan I met long ago was a college T.A. of mine.  A bandwagon-jumping Seattle fan with no connection to the area.  I love to imagine his sad face when woe comes to his team.   (10:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Seattle   4-1      Victor Romero Rodriguez with two second half goals.

B.  Cuba vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Reminder:  Two Groups of four, top two finishers advance to the Knockout State.  Top three of those four make World Cup!

Cuba is not likely to be advancing.   They lost their first match 8-0.   Good LAWD.  88th in the world gets no respect.

The Canadiaians are one of the world powers, ranked #5.   Noob handicaps this match at Canada minus, oh, 15.   Unless a lot of Cuban national team fans are showing up to Edinburgh, Texas to turn it into a home-match feel.   (8:30 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Canadia   0-12        not a typo.   really.

Image result for Canadian alphabet

 

 

Number B, a literary star the world over.

B is for bear, and bacon.  So much the bacon.

  1. Cork City vs. Bohemian FC – FAI Cup (Ireland)

The Irish FA Cup semifinal!   Winners gets runaway league champion Dundalk for the Cup.

Cork City won the 2017 league title and finished #B this year.   They’ll present a nice, clean changing facility and some lovely parting gifts to midtable Bohemian before whomping them by a goal or two.

RESULT:   Cork    2-1         On to the Final!

  1. Once Caldas vs. Leones – Colombia Primera A

Let’s move through the Sadness Soccer in order of likelihood of an upset, least to most.

Leones are last in the current league season and in the multi-year aggregate Relegation table.  They’re the only club that averages less than a point in the table earned per match.  They’re getting Booted to Primera B, if B will even have them.

Once Caldas are just a point out of 1st place currently.  Noob think’s favoring them by a goal and a half is generous.  To Leones.

RESULT:   0-0

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You’re darn right Noob is.

  1. Guayaquil City vs. Deportivo Cuenca – Ecuador Serie A

Seven goals in 12 matches.   Is Quayquil even trying?   Really, they need not.  Last in their stage and the season’s aggregate table.  To avoid Relegation, they have to leapfrog two teams.  The second one is 14 points ahead of them.  Quayaquil has only scored seven points this entire Stage.

Cuenca are below average themselves, so this might be one of GC’s few chances to get a full-fledged win, being at home today.   (8:15 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   1-1

Fun Fact:  The second time Europeans went to loot Quayaquil, they had to suddenly quit the expedition when a yellow fever epidemic broke out.

  1. Fluminense vs. Parana Clube – Brazil Serie A

Only one team in the league hasn’t scored twice as many goals as Parana, and that club misses that mark by just two scores.  The bottom four get kicked out of this league, and Parana are ten points behind second-to-last place.

They’re not just getting Relegated.  They’re going to get forced to all retire, take up Tiddlywinks.

Fluminense are utterly average, and that’s good enough to expect them to coast to a two-goal win today.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Fluminense   4-0

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World Tiddlywinks Championships.  Real.

[insert joke HERE]

 

  1. Tigre vs. Estudiantes – Argentina Primera

Argentina uses a three-season table to determine which clubs offend them most.  Tigre are second-to-last in that.  But so far this early season, they’re actually playing just bad soccer, instead of their usual horrific variety.

Estudiantes are playing horrifically.  Surprising.  This is typically a midtable club.   Noob’s forced to consider this a toss-up at worst for Tigre!   (6:00 PM, TyC International)

RESULT:   Tigre   1-0

Fun Fact:  The team no longer plays in the actual town of Tigre, bur rather in Victoria, Buenos Aires.

  1. Nittaidai vs. NTV Beleza – Japan Nadeshiko 1

In Japan’s top women’s league – one of the world’s strongest – they automatically Relegate just one team.  But the next team up the table will have to play in a Relegation Playoff with a second-tier team for the right to play N1 next year.

Nittaidai are in that latter position.  The season is young, but it appears there will be a big gap between the bottom three teams and everyone else.  Noob makes no prediction on which wins this game of Melancholy Musical Chairs and survives.  They’re all equally crappy.

Oh, and Beleza win the league every year of late and should beat them by 2-3 in their own house.  Wheeee!

RESULT:   Beleza   0-4

Image result for nittaidai fc

“Yay – successful huddle!”

  1. Botosani vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

This is one of the European leagues that separates into Championship and Relegation subdivisions later in the season.  Just under a dozen matches in, it appears these two aren’t among the top candidates to actually get Relegated.  But they’re not far above them (11th and 12th of 14).

Both can actually score about as well as low-end midtable teams.  But they defend like wet papier-mache.

Not Exactly a “Fun” Fact:   The stand Dinamo’s ultras use is named after Catalan Hildan, a player who died at age 24.

RESULT:   Botosani   2-0         Maybe the tiniest of Miracles!

  1. Hapoel Tel Aviv vs. Ashdod – Israel Premier

We finish the Track with the least likely Relegation candidates that still qualify for today.   These two are two pretty average clubs that currently fall just below that Championship/Relegation line, same as Romania has.

HTA look to be trying to make every game 0-0.  It’s not an uncommon strategy for teams like them that were just Promoted, but that style of play rarely holds up over a whole season.

Ashdod don’t score much more.  Noob thinks they’re more likely to drop then climb into the top half and avoid danger.  This may be the Suckitudiest match of all, as Noob looks for it to be 0-0.

RESULT:   0-0       Ding!

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Heavens!  Is that Hapoel’s junk just fallen clean off and sitting there IN the crest?

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday – bring on the pain!

After a weekend of most glorious footyball from around the world, Noob brings the sadness!

Let’s spend our ten most important matches around the world today on teams fighting against or even resigned to Relegation.  Honor the falling and fallen.

First, a few matches that matter much for happier reasons —

  1. Denmark vs. Ukraine – women’s World Cup qualification (UEFA)

Reminder:  Groups of five, winners advance, some of the best #B* finishers will play another qualifying round.

FIFA-ranked #13 Denmark trail #27 Ukraine by a point for Bth * in their Group.  Neither will catch Sweden to win it, so this is must-win for both sides.  Runner-up is their only shot, with nothing guaranteed even then.

RESULT:   Denmark   1-0

*Number B and B-th replace #2 and second in lists.  It’s a Quest for Change. Get on board, Noobites.

Image result for ronda rousey wwe

 

Now-WWE’s Rouna Rousey’s wrestling debut is done.  

So stay with the women’s sports today!

B.  “Red Bull” Leipzig vs. Bayer Leverkusen – Bundesliga

The German league title has been long since decided.  The top three seem clear.  But which club will get the fourth and final Champions League invite is up in the air and close.

Leipzig is in a tie for 4th, and has played one fewer game than their peer.  They are unbeaten since their ghastly February.  Leverkusen are behind them by only one point, and have also played one fewer game than most league teams.  Leverkusen haven’t scored in their last two league matches.  Advantage – Caffeinated Ones.  (2:30 PM Eastern, FS2)

RESULT:   Leverkusen   1-4    They are now in 4th.  Leipzig drops into a tie for 5th, and down on the tiebreaker.

Image result for too much Red bull

 

 

And welcome to the new world.

The world of Number B.

  1. FCSB vs. Craiova – Romania Liga I

#B hosts #3 in the league’s championship division, and they’ve played one fewer game each than #1.

FCSB only trails #1 by a point.  Craiova is another four back.  They need a win, stay alive with a draw, would be devastated by a loss.  Even as a top-20 league in Europe, this one only gets one Champions League berth.

RESULT:   FCSB   2-0

  1. France vs. Canadia – women’s international friendly

Women’s World Cup isn’t until next year, but say hello to a match that could be a Final as easily as any.  These are the #5 and #4-ranked teams in the world.  Noob doesn’t know how easily this is found in North America, but it’s on at 3:00 PM Eastern on TV5MONDE, a global French language broadcast channel.

RESULT:   France   1-0

Image result for tv5monde logo 2.5x the amount of monde as TV#BMONDE

 

 

And now, bring on the pain!!

  1. Genclerbirligi vs. Galatsaray – Turkey Super Lig

What better way to start the Relegation Watch sadness than in Turkey?  At least they get to host, but second-to-last place Gencler (yep, we’re tight like that) are hosting perhaps the league best team.  Genc-y only scores one about every other match, so this might get very ugly, very quickly.  (1:00 PM, beIN Sports)

Fun Fact:  Genclebirligi are knows as “The Wind of Ankara”.  It’s because they blow.

The Management:  Noob!

Fine.   It’s half-true anyway.

RESULT:   Gencler   1-0     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

  1. Estudiantes vs. Chacarita Juniors – Argentina Premier

Chacarita is on Relegation Monday enough to be charged rent.  They’re last in the multiyear table to determine which four clubs will get the boot, and by a lot.  Estudiantes are a midtable bunch.  (8:15 PM, TyC Sports International)

RESULT:   Chacarita   0-2      More Monday miracle action!

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Yup.  Choco-rita.

  1. Juventus Bucaresti vs. Sepsi OSK – Romania Liga I

Romania – come for the featured championship subdivision match, stay for the wailing and gnashing of teeth!

These are the bottom two in the league’s Relegation Play-out subdivision.  They’re not so far back as to be without hope, so we may still see some fire in them.

Fun Fact:  Juventus Bucaresti are actually the intellectually-challenged spawn of Italian Juventus players from a generation ago, exiled to Romania.

The Management:  Noob!

What?  Make a new Page for the site and counter my claim there, The Management.  I’m working here.

RESULT:   Sepsi   0-2

  1. Etar vs. Dunav Ruse – Bulgaria First Pro League

This league has divided into championship and Relegation play-out subdivisions as well.  But why keep things simple?  They then divide the eight Play-out clubs into two smaller subdivisons.   The bottom two of each of those will play a bracketed tournament to see who stays and who goes.

These two are at the bottom of their subdivision and won’t be climbing up.  All that remains to be determined is which will host their bracketed-round match later on.

RESULT:   Etar   2-1

Fun Fact:  Etar are the Boyars, former Russian family of nobility

Image result for russian chef boyardee

 

 

Not Russian

  1. Vitez vs. Celik Zenica – Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier

Bottom two of the Relegation subdivision in one of UEFA’s weaker leagues.  Sadness upon sadness.

Fun Fact:  Vitez means “knight” in southern Slavic languages, and so their team is The Knights.

RESULT:   CZ   0-4

  1. Avellino vs. Perugia – Serie B

Is there any possible sunshine on a Relegation Monday?   Italy!

The bottom three are automatically booted to Serie C.  The next two have a Play-out match at season’s end, and the winner gets to stay up.  That’s where we find Avellino. And they’re statistically much better than the teams below them.   In fact, Noobstradamus is calling this one for the fighting Lupi!  #6 Perugia will fall.

RESULT:   Avellino   2-0     Wait, I got one right?  I mean, ummm… oh bloody hell.

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Perugua’s much to artsy-fartsy a city for me.  

(They make fun of my wardrobe there.)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Thursday, 4/5 – plus Noob battles Dan the Intern-o Inferno

Plenty of high-quality footyball in today’s ten most important games for the newish American soccer fan to follow.

Just be warned, things might get ugly here with me and the Intern.   He’s a nefarious ne’er-do-well, and Noob should slash his non-existent pay yet again.

  1. U.S.A. vs. Mexico – international women’s friendly

Women’s World Cup isn’t until next year, but these two are already qualified.  They are ranked #1 and #25 respectively.  It shouldn’t be close, but it’s hard to know how much the game will be used by each team to test players who may or may not make the WC rosters.  (7:00 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   USA   4-1

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Muricuh!

B.  Arsenal vs. CSKA Moscow – Europa League

And then there were eight.  Europe’s almost-but-not Champions League has reached the first leg of its Quarterfinals.   Some folks diss this event, but remember:  the winner gets an automatic invite to Champions League next year, no matter how they do in their league season.

Russia’s league actually ranks 6th in Europe.  But England is England.  Arsenal by a goal feels right.  (3:05 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Arsenal   4-1

Image result for russian letter B

 

Number B?  Um, Noob’s having trouble as it is getting folks on board with you replacing Number Two.

Going Russian for any length of time isn’t going to help.

  1. Red Bull Leipzig vs. Marseille – Europa League

These two are about as even as it gets, on paper.  Wish this one were going to be on teevee, could easily be the best match of the day.  But Fox is opting for Atletico Madrid and Sporting Lisbon on FS2.  Portugal sucks, that match won’t be close.  Fools!

RESULT:   Leipzig   1-0

  1. Bolivar vs. Atletico National – Copa Libertadores

Group Stage continues in South America’s version of Champions league.  Top two from each pod of four will advance to the Knockout Stage.

Colombia’s football is much stronger than Bolivia’s, and this match reflects that.  Still, Bolivar as host makes this about an even match.  Atletico have won both their Group matches, while Bolivar have drawn in theirs.  (8:30 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Bolivar   1-0

Image result for copa libertadores funnyYep, that’s a straight up Copa Libertadores punch.

And in South American football, that’s practically just flirting.

  1. Estudiantes vs. Santos – Copa Libertadores

Argentinian and Brazilian powers collide… and everyone gets yellow cards.  Klutzes.

RESULT:   Santos   0-1

  1. Switzerland vs. Scotland – UEFA women’s World Cup qualification

Seven Groups of five here.  The winners all qualify for World Cup.  The four best runners up will meet in a playoff.

Switzerland haven’t mathematically gotten in yet, but they’re running away with the Group.  Scotland are one of two teams next up at six points each in the table.  Mighty offense versus super defense.  FIFA ranks them #8 and #32, respectively.

RESULT:   Switzerland   1-0

Image result for switzerland scotland funny map

Gah!!

Thanks for the nightmares, Dan the Intern-o Inferno.

  1. Austria vs. Serbia – UEFA women’s World Cup qualification

Spain are going to win this group, so the battle is for the second slot and hoping for enough points to make the aforementioned Playoff.  Serbia have little hope, but Austria are in 3rd and can at least see some daylight.  They are FIFA-ranked #21 and #43.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Carabobo vs. Caracas – Venezuela Premier

#1 hosts #3 in one of South America’s lesser leagues.  They will get the minimum four berths into next year’s Copa Libertadores.  Carabobo play a wide open style, so look for lots o’ goals here.

RESULT:   0-0   or not…

Image result for screwing around at work

 

Smart move, Dan the Intern-o Inferno.

Noob’s coming for ya’!!

  1. SonderskyjE vs. Brondby – Denmark FA Cup

This is a Quarterfinal knockout match, pitting the 8th and 1st-place league teams against one another.  Brondby are probably considered a small favorite, even on the road.  Blah blah blahWHAT is up with that capital E on the end of that club name?!  Interrobang!   Aggressive need for knowledge!

RESULT:   Brondby   0-1   AET

  1. Suduva vs. Atlantas Klaipeda – Lithuania A Lyga

OK, deep breath after feature match #9.   We finish the Track with a league just a few games into its season.  That said, these clubs are already in familiar positions, 1st and 3rd place.  This is the 43rd-ranked league in Europe.

RESULT:   Suduva   2-1

Image result for workplace peace

 

 

 

Suggested reading for Noob, Dan-o?

Noob’s going with Art of War.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (3/5) – Suck less, Crystal Palace!

Relegation Monday — Noob’s weekly delving into the table-bottoms of so many leagues.  It’s a catacomb of crappiness, a celebration of suckitude!  Let’s get to know these lowbies before they’re given The Boot.

First, we feature three non-Relegation matches:

  1. Finn Harps vs. Mayo League – Irish League Cup

What is this event:  It is not Ireland’s FA Cup.  This is a Knockout competition for the top two leagues’ teams, plus whichever other ones the powers-that-be felt like inviting to bring the total number up to 24.  While those extras are mostly third-division clubs, this match is different.

The Mayo League is county-level, 7th-tier, and it’s amateurs and kids!  Noob’s honestly not certain if this is select players from various teams in the league or one simply one existing team from there, but I imagine this is the thrill of a lifetime for them.  Finn Harps were Relegated to second-division last year.  Will it be competitive?  Probably not.  Does that matter to Noob?  Absolutely not.

RESULT:     ppd due to wearher

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An enviable, elegant league crest.  Well-done.

B.  Nasaf Qarshi vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

The Group Stage continues in Asia’s premier event.  Pods of four teams, each plays a double-round robin.  Top two from each advance to the Knockout Stage.  These two are from Uzbeikstan (9th-best Asian league) and Qatar (6th-best).  Ability-wise, these clubs would be right at home in MLS.

Al-Sadd is 2-0, Qarshi 1-0-1.  The Uzbeks have already been drubbed by Persepolis, with whom they are tied.  They’re going to have to pull an upset at some point in order to move on.  This is a bad matchup for them though, as Al-Sadd have offensive firepower they don’t.

RESULT:   Qarshi   1-0      Or Noob could be mistaken.  Uzebek, ho!

Image result for Group of letter B

 

 

Yup.  Group of Four of Number B’s.

  1. Portugal vs. Norway – Algarve Cup

The Group Stage continues in this historically shiny women’s tournament as well.  The format’s a tiny bit strange.  The 12 teams are divided into Pods of three.  Each club plays the others once.  Then the teams are paired off in king-of-the-hill matchups to end the event, 1st playing 2nd, 3rd playing 4th, etc.  Since there are an odd number of Groups, that’s a little crazytown.

Noob continues to give his love to the host Portuguese.  They came in with the lowest FIFA ranking of all teams competing, yet are tied for first in their Group.  Norway is just a point behind.

RESULT:   Portgual   2-0

OK, that was grand.  Now, could we please inhabit the darkness of Relegation zones?  You betcha!

  1. Crystal Palace vs. Manchester United – English Premier

Palace haven’t won a match since January, and so occupy a Relegation spot (third-to-last).  The only things they could possibly have going for them are 1) that Man Utd. might overlook them, B)  Man Utd. might relax just because they’re Champions League berth-top four finish looks secure, and 3) Palace’s own desperation.  (3:00 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Fun Fact:  Palace is named for the building in which they were founded, a massive exhibition hall in Hyde Park, London.

RESULT:   2-2     So close!   Palace actually led 2-0.

  1. Celta Vigo vs. Las Palmas – La Liga

Like Palace, Las Palmas are in the “last” Relegation spot in their league.  They’re only a point behind Levante, but that’s the only team could possibly catch.  They’re not going to.  Even 1tth place Celta Vigo can overwhelm them at home.

Noob hopes beyond hope for them though.  They’re from the Canary Islands, and I have in inexplicable fondness for teams from such areas.  (3:00 PM, beIN Sports)

Fun Fact:  Actor Javier Bardem is from Las Palmas.

RESULT:   CV   2-1

  1. Estudiantes vs. Olimpo – Argentina Premier

Argentina’s top league Relegates based on four years of results.  Olimpo’s one disastrous 2016 is looking likely to cost them membership in the Premier.  They’re in second-to-last this season, not doing anything to help their cause.  Estudiantes are having a subpar year for them, but still in 11th.

Fun Fact:  Fishing sharks from both boats and bay piers is becoming a very popular recreational activity.

RESULT:   Estudiantes   1-0

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Wait, he went in  that little boat??

  1. Apollon Smirnis vs. Panetolikos – Greek Superleague

10th place Panetolikos is as average a team as can be found in Greece.  And so Noobstrdamus is calling this one for the second-to-last place “Light Brigade”!

Not “Fun”, But Interesting Fact:  Smirnis was founded in Smyrna in the 19th C., but expelled from there during the fighting between Turkey and Greece which followed WWI.  They are now based in Athens.

RESULT:   Smirnis   2-1     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle and a Noober success!

  1. Macabbi Haifa vs. Hapoel Haifa – Israeli Premier

The battle for Haifa!   In truth, it could be a bit more dramatic.  There’s a wide gap between the top six and bottom eight in this league, so it’s already known which teams have made the title playoffs and which will play Relegation playoffs.  Macabbi are in 10th, Hapoel 4th.

Fun Fact:  These two share a 30.000+ seat stadium, Sammy Ofer Stadium.

RESULT:   HH   0-3

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The shipping magnate himself

9.  Al Mokawloon Al Arab vs. Tanta – Egypt Premier

Tanta is in the last Relegation spot, meaning they have the best chance to move up and out.  They’re just two points behind Wadi Degla.  Al Mokawloon are in 8th.  They like a wide open game, so should take care of business at home against defensively-struggling Tanta.

Fun Fact:  About 3 million people come to Tanta annually, at the end of the cotton harvest there.  The city is home to well under half a million.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Dunav Ruse vs. CSKA-Sofia – Bulgaria First Pro League

Just like Israel, this league will split into title playoffs (6 teams) and Relegation Playoffs (8 teams).  Dunav Ruse are in third-to-last.  It would take a miracle for them to climb to top six at this point.

CSKA-Sofia are #B in the league, with all-but-dashed hopes (six points back) of catching #1 Ludogorets Razgrad for the regular season title.  Ruse’s hope lies in CSKA-Sofia possibly not caring about this one.  That’s it.  Because they score and defend literally three times better than Ruse.

Fun Fact:  Ruse may come from the name (Rusa, meaning “blonde”) for a female founder of the city from the 13th-14th C.

RESULT:   CSKA-Sofia   0-2

Image result for old Blonde Bulgarian woman

 

 

And wow, and she doesn’t look a day over 550.