Tag: Gremio

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition – Visiting a newish league, taking on Subway

The Midweek Track, where instead of ten matches each day, Noob teases out the same number over three days.  Ooh la LAH.

But what IS  Noob?    Noob is introducing the newish American fans of the global game to the leagues and tournaments of the world.  Local first, but ogling everywhere.

The Tracks are the backbone of the project.  Ten matches that can matter most for us.   More, Noob tells you the stakes, WHY each match matters.  And I like to think sometimes that’s even new and fun for seasoned fans of the game.

And it’s Noob Sandwich Reviewoobs!    That madness lurks below (and after that, previous days’ match results.

Thursday

10. FC Goa vs. Bengalaru – India Super League

We finish the Midweek Track in a country with two “top-flite” leagues. (The other is the I-League.) ISL is similar to America’s Major League Soccer in that it is not part of a promotion/relegation system. (The I-League is.) Like MLS, it is run on more of a franchise-system. This is just the league’s fifth season, and it only received formal recognition by the Asian Football Confederation last season.

The AFC ranks “India club competitions” as #14. Noob’s not certain yet if that is a reference to both India’s leagues or just I-League, and so I am uncertain of the quality of this particular league. But this is Noob and this is part of what we do, learning the game from all over, and learning is a process.

Goa are currently #1 this young season, but they’ve played two more matches than #B Bengalaru. It’s the latter who are undefeated so far.   Just like last year this is a clash of styles. Bengalaru can do it all, but lean more on defense. Goa don’t seem to believe in defense even a little, but score seemingly at will.

RESULT:   Bengalaru   1-2          High drama in the battle for first!      The visitors led 0-1.   Then Mohamed Ali (yep) got yellows at 36′ and 47′ to get redded out.  Then Bengalaru had a player get a straight red at 59′.  

Equalizer for Goa at 72′, but Bengalru gets the decider at 77′.

And since the Midweek was frontloaded on matches, let’s flesh things out here on the back end, indulge in yet another —

NOOB SANDWICH REVIEWOOB!

Indeed, it’s time for the Noob to give his take on another sammich.  Because if there’s one thing Noob’s two target niche audiences want more than the footyball goodness here, it’s… whatever the cuss this has been.

But this time, s**t’s about to get real —

Image result for steak and cheese subway sandwich sunflower bread

Yup, Noober’s taking on a brand name.   This is Subway’s new Chipotle Steak and Cheese on Sunflower Crunch Bread.

Full disclosure:  Noob ordered steak, sans cheese and chipotle.  I added spinach, black olives, tomatoes, and a little lite mayo.  And I didn’t get it toasted.  Repeat.  I DECLINED THE TOASTEDNESS.  Some of what’s to follow is on me.

The vegetable-condiment combination is a standard for me and was not problematic here.  But the steak had no flavor.   Not bland flavor.  -None-.  It was like chewing water as far as taste.  Noob’s never experienced the like.  I thought perhaps I was having a stroke.

Subway — don’t make sammiches that make someone think he’s having a damn stroke.

And this was nowhere near the greater sin of this sandwich.

Sunflower Crusted Bread – mmmmmm…thanks for coming up with something a quarter-notch better than pencil shavings for to put in my mouth.

It looks like wet bird seed.  Well, it might literally be wet bird seed.   Crunch?   Zero.   Bitter taste.  While a little of that can be an interesting foil to another primary flavor, remember:  nil-flavor steak.

As added punishment, Noob was on the road and got this to go.   That meant wet bird seed ALL over my car.   Like need-to-have-it-detailed all over.   No cohesion between the bird seed and bread.

In a nutshell, sadness reigned.  Again, toasting — would this have married the bird seed and bread more closely?  Noob’s no culinary-physics expert.   Still learning soccer, dang it.  Would toasting have given a hint of flavor to the steak?   Hard to say.

Noob Sandwich Reviewoobs run on a 0-5 Sammich scale.  I give this sandwich 1 1/2 sammiches.

The vegetables and lite mayo couldn’t save this atrocity.  While I could credit myself there, I’m calling it a wash for my critical non-toasting error in judgement.

Thank you reading Noob Sandwich Reviewoob.  Join the…again, whatever this is by commenting here on the site.  Or find me at SoccerNoobUSA on Twittter.

Wednesday

9. Flamengo vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

Just one match for your Wednesday Track portion. It comes from South America’s top league, and things are heating up there.

With three league matches to go each, #B Flamengo and #4 Gremio have assured themselves of at least top-six finishes. That means they’ve qualified for next years Copa Libertadores – South America’s version of Champions League.

Neither is guaranteed a top four finish yet, though. Ending the season that high means entering the CL right at the Group Stage, not having to play any prior qualifying stages. More, Flamengo still have a realistic – if not probable – shot at the league title. They trail Palmeiras by five points in the table.

Flamengo have beaten a couple of also-rans 1-0 their last two outings. Before that, they hadn’t won in three matches. Gremio haven’t lost in four matches.

To look at the season-long stats, Gremio haven’t had the offense to quite compete for the trophy. But if recent trends for these two continue, this will be a tactical, low-scoring affair.   (6:45 PM, Rede Globe TV International, Premiere Futbol Clube)

RESULT:   Flamego   2-0

Tuesday

1. Italy vs. U.S.A. – friendly

The U.S. surely didn’t look like world-beaters when they lost 3-0 in England a few days ago. Their European tour continues now in Italy. The teams are ranked #19 and #23, respectively, by FIFA.

Italy have been playing in the UEFA Nations League. They have finished #B in their Group and not qualify for the Playoffs there.

After missing out on the World Cup, neither side has been doing a lot of winning, as they retool rosters with younger players. It’s all part of getting ready for future international competitions and even the next World Cup cycle.

A key matchup to watch will likely be in the midfield between New York Red Bull Tyler Adams and Jorginho of Chelsea.

Jorginho is a pass-happy fah-reeak, and clearly a talented one to be playing for a top club in the Premier League in England. Adams didn’t play in the U.S.’ last friendly, getting some rest after an MLS playoff match.

RESULT:   Italy   1-0            Minor note:  turns our the game was held in Genk, Belgium.     Major note:   This score could’ve been soooooo much worse.    U.S. were awful, only holding possession about a quarter of the match.

Image result for too American funny

 

Beers and eagle heads and American flag-beachwear.

Here we come, Italy!

B. Argentina vs. Mexico – friendly

If this match rings a bell, it’s because it should. The two faced off in Argentina just three days ago, with the home side taking the match 2-0.

Mexico made the World Cup quarterfinals, but have had little success in friendlies since then. Argentina also made the WC quarters, but they’ve only lost once since then. The two are ranked #12 and #16 by FIFA.

RESULT:   Argentina   2-0       Mexico actually looked pretty solid on may stat lines

3. Sweden vs. Russia – UEFA Nations League

Once again, here’s a link to Noob’s ‘Explainer’ of what this event is:

http://www.soccernoob.com/2018/01/01/uefa-nations-league-explainer/

This is a League B matchup. Russia lead the Swedes by three in points and in goal differential. That means Sweden needs a big, big win in this last match to overtake the Russians.

They carry FIFA-rankings of #17 and #41. Given that the Russian Premier League is rated well in the top-10 of Europe, Noob was surprised to find their MNT rank so comparatively low. But these things don’t always corelate.

RESULT:   Sweden   2-0          And that is just enough – the Swedes advance!

4. Scotland vs. Israel – UEFA Nations League

These League C combatants are tied for the lead in their Group. Last match and winner takes all. Scotland only need a draw to advance, as they hold the GD tiebreaker.

It will be interesting to see how the Scots play this. Their success has been just as much on offense as their D, yet given the situation, playing for a low-scoring draw is certainly defensible.

RESULT:   Scotland   3-2          Three goals for Celtic club member James Forrest as the Scots move on!

Image result for Scottish Jew

 

 

Um, what?   Why?….No…

5. Montenegro vs. Romania – UEFA Nations League

This is another league C matchup. Unlike the previous Groups – including the one in Match #4 above, this Group has four teams.

In truth, this match only matters at all if last-place Lithuania somehow beats or draws with Group leader Serbia. At Serbia. Unlikely.

Serbia lead Montenegro by two points in the table and their tied on GD. So here’s the breakdown: Romania have to win today to have any shot at 1st. If that happens and Serbia merely draw with (or lose to) Lithuania, Romania wins.

Montenegro and Romania are ranked #39 and #26 worldwide. Noob figures this to be a tossup since it’s in Monenegro.

RESULT:    Romania   0-1       Did their part…

6. Kosovo vs. Azerbaijan – UEFA Nations League

Here in League D, all the Groups have four teams. But in this Group, only two are in play for 1st. Kosovo lead Azerbaijan by two heading into this last match. So a win for the visitors and they win the group. Any other result and Kosovo advances to the Playoffs.

This Group has been a bit of a surprise. Faroe Islands came in with the nest FIFA ranking, the only one in the top 100. And Azerbaijan are 30 notches higher than Kosovo.

RESULT:   Kosovo   4-0       …but it’s Kosovo in a rout, so on the playoffs for them!

Image result for Faroe Islands sad

 

 

 

Faroe Islands realty – a wee bit Hobbit-y?

7. Curacao vs. Guadeloupe – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

Scroll on up to yesterday’s post if you need a small refresher on what’s going on, at stake with this tournament.

Curacao have one their first two matches by a combined score of 15-0. That’s good for 5th place, and looks even better when you recognize most teams around them have already played three of their four games.

Guadeloupe are in 16th after their first to matches. Based on where these two rank in CONCACAF (not FIFA, as not a member, being a French territory), one might’ve expected their places to be turned around. But that’s part of the fun of this tournament. Four matches are all each of the 34 participating teams get, so there’s a lot of volatility.

RESULT:   Curacao   6-0       wowzerz       (also, this match may have been played yesterday)

8. Billericay vs. Chesterfield – England FA Cup

The “qualifying” stages done. Between teams advanced through those q-rounds and ones just now entering the tournament, there will have been 32 playing here in the First Round Proper.

Most of the 1RP matches are already done. It’s a Knockout event, meaning that they just play one game, host decided by random draw. But if the match ends in a draw, they have a Replay. This time, it’s at the other team’s place though. That’s how we get to this featured match. These two tied 1-1 in their first try.

Billericay are from the sixth level of the English football pyramid, making them very much a Minnow – an underdog. Looking for Minnows that make deep runs in the whole event is part of the fun of following this. They’re from Essex, and play out of the Ishthmian League’s premier division, to which they were just promoted this year. And they’re #B in their current league, meaning they have a very good chance to get Promoted once again!

Chesterfield play one league up, the National League. They’re not having a very good season there. In fact, if they do much worse, they might get sent down. These two may essentially end up switching places.

Noob thinks Billericay still isn’t quite an even match today at home, but wouldn’t be at all surprised if they’re able to get another draw after 90′. If that happens, this time there will be no more Replays. They’ll play extra time, go to penalty kicks if need be, decide who advances today.

RESULT:   Chesterfield   1-3

Billericay Town F.C. Logo.png

Thursday

coming soon!

’10 to Track’ Sunday (10/14) soccer matches – CONCACAF galore, plus new Sandwich Review(oob) feature!

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of of the global game.

And now, the perfect pairing – Sandwich Review Feature.

There’s real soccer info in here.  Somewhere.   But s**t’s about to get weird, y’all.

  1. U.S.A. vs. Jamaica – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

And then there were four.  Time for the Knockout Stage.  Three of the four will qualify for next year’s World Cup.

One will be #1 USA.  No one’s even scored on them all tournament.  Jamaica won’t.  They’re ranked #64 in the world.   (8:00 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   U.S.A.   6-0      Tobin Heath and Alex Morgan with two goals apiece.   Now officially headed to 2019 World Cup.

B.  Panama vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

The other Semifinal!  #66 vs. #5.   The Final and consolation matches will be far higher drama.   (5:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Canadia   0-7       Christine Sinclair and Adriana Leon with two goals each for the now officially World Cup-bound Canadiaians

Image result for dramatic letter B

 

 

Number B, rocking it as “dramatic dark sunset” Number B today.

Sultry.

  1. Poland vs. Italy – UEFA Nations League

This is a League A matchup.  Portugal is the third team in this Group within that league and they’re waaaay ahead after two games.   If either of today’s two want to have chance two in the group and make the playoffs, it’s vital they get a win today.

They’re ranked 18th and 20th in the world.  In their last ten collective matches, they have one win.  Therefore, Noob’s guess is they draw today.   (2:45 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   Italy   0-1      While it wasn’t a draw like Noob predicted, Italia didn’t get their score until after 90′.

  1. New York Red Bulls II vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds – United Soccer League

Last regular season match in the second division league.  These teams have cumulatively won their last 12 matches.  Talk about peaking at the right time!

#3 Pittsburgh can only drop down.  Even a draw and their three-seed is secure.  NYRB is in a three-way tie for 5th.  They can’t do better than #5, but could fall very far – even out of the top eight at the Playoffs entirely!

This will be a wide-open affair if Red Bulls control the pace.   They score like gangbusters, play the third-worst defense in the entire division.  Pittsburgh has always tried taking the air out of the ball.  Noob thinks Red Bulls score early, force Pitt to actually push forward for a change.  I think this is a home rout today.

RESULT:   NYRB II   2-1        And so Red Bull B-side do get the #5 seed

Image result for red bull funny

 

 

 

“If I could walk on water/ if I could find some way to prove/

If I could walk on water would you believe in me/ ‘Cause I believe in yooooou.”

  1. Saint Martin vs. Saint Kitts and Nevis – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

The hosts today are from the northern, French part of the island country.  The Dutch half has its own team.  They are both very weak.  SKN are one of the top 20 teams in in the federation, though just 134th in the world.

RESULT:   SKN   0-10         not a typo

TIME OUT FOR A NEW FEATURE!

Noob Sammich Reviewbs.  Reviewoobs?    TBD

Not sure how often Noob will do this, but it starts NOW.   It’s not enough to just talk soccer.  Let’s talk about what soccer fans talk about.  And eat.  I’m talking SAMMICHES.

Corned Beef and Swiss Sandwiches on Whole Wheat Bread

 

 

Corned Beef and Swiss Shamrock Sandwich.

 

 

This is a Nature’s Own-bread sandwich recipe.   Noob decided to find a corned beef sammich to compare to my all-time fave.

This is diced corned beef on whole wheat bread.  Swiss cheese.  A little Dijon mustard.  A little more horseradish sauce.  Plenty of reduced-fat cream cheese.

Noob’s all-time fave corned beef has the meat sliced.  Tomatoes, pickles, black olives, a little mayo.  Leaf lettuce is better.  I had it with shredded and that’s okay.

This sandwich is an affront to everything Noob believes in.  Diced meat of any kind, anywhere, is gross.   Put it in with all those soft ingredients and I start to doubt the possible existence of an omni-benevolent god in the universe.

Look, the Swiss cheese is fine.  Noob doesn’t need any on a cold sammich, but whatever.  Horseradish?   Like the music of Journey, I get what others like about it, but I don’t need to hear/eat it.  Cream cheese on any bread that soft?  Denied.

Put it all together and it’s…well, it’s diced meat in mouthful of mush.  That bread doesn’t look hearty enough to offer any respite from the rest of the awful texture.

Noob’s decided for now that the rating system will be on a 1-5 star system.  But instead of stars, the unit will be…Sammiches.

So!   This sandwich gets One Sammich from Noob.  It would get zero, but Noob has to leave room potentially finding an even lousier sandwich at some point.

Actually, let’s knock it down to just a half Sammich.  This sandwich pisses off the Irish by being shamrock-shaped on top of everything else.

Please respond with your reviewoob thoughts on Twitter @SoccerNoobUSA.  I’m also taking suggestions of sandwiches for future reviews.

  1. Chelsea Ladies vs. Arsenal – England Women’s Soccer League

Chelsea went undefeated in this league last year.  Still, they didn’t completely dominate on either side of the ball compared to their peers.  Arsenal finished 3rd, missing out on the Champions League by one point in the table.  The season is just getting going.

RESULT:   Arsenal   0-5        Changing of the guard?   Vivianne Miedema and Jordan Noobs with two goals each

  1. Marathon vs. Real Espana – Honduras National League

Marathon are tied for 1st in the table, though they’ve played two more matches than Olimpia.  Noob likes them to win the league though.  Not the very best on either side of the ball, but incredibly balanced.

Real Espana are in a three-way tie for 3rd.   They score more than anyone, but the utter lack of defense will make them midtable.  That trek starts today.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Palmeiras vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

Going to be moving day today in Brazil potentially!  The league leaders host #5, which are also the defending Copa Libertadores champions.

This may not be the most exciting game to watch, not if you’re looking for goals.  But only four points separate them in the table.  And only the top four teams qualify to start the next CL at the Group Stage level.  So it’s still very high drama.   (3:00 PM, GOL TV)

Palmeiras   2-0        Deyverson with two goals.    Botch clubs stay in same spots in table

Image result for so exciting gif

 

 

Craig Robinson, at least, appreciates defensive footyball.

  1. Internacional vs. Sao Paulo – Brazil Serie A

#3 hosting #4 as well today is what makes it so special for the league.

Sao Paulo led the league for quite a while, but have come back to earth, as expected.   They’ve stayed afloat with a few draws, but haven’t won a match since early September.  The offense has trickled away for them.

Inter are coming off a curious loss to meh-at-best Sport Recife.  They’ve won just one of their last four, which have all been draws or decided by a goal either way.   (3:00 PM, Premeire Futebol)

RESULT:   Inter   3-1          Leandro Damiao with two goals.  So much for “Moving Day”.   These two also stayed in same table positions.

  1. Kenya vs. Ethiopia – Africa Cup of Nations qualification

The top two finishers in each Group of four make the Cup next year.  All four in this one have won a match, so the race is super tight.  These two lead the others by a point in the table, but have already played one more match than them.

They are FIFA-ranked 107 and 149, respectively.  but Ethiopia’s actually only scored one goal in their three matches.  Noob thinks this is where the higher-ranked Kenya’s have their breakout match.

RESULT:   Kenya   3-0

Image result for Nairobi weirdSo long from Nairobi!

If the animals look weird, it’s because they’re scrap metal sculptures.

The world is weird.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – complete! Welcome, Greek hooligans.

Time for Noob to drop the cherry on this delicious Midweek Edition football cake.   Bring us, Numbah Teyn!!

(Results from Tue. and Wed. are further down.)

* *Clarion ring of silver trumpets* *
We have a Noob c**k up alert!

Match #10, PAOK vs. Arsenal, was not real.     PAOK hosted English Premier League club Chelsea, losing to them 0-1.  Arsenal hosted Ukrainian club Vorskla, winning in a 4-2 rout.

Thursday

  1. PAOK vs. Arsenal – Europa League

Wednesday

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Philadelphia Union – Major League Soccer

Nine in a row.

Ooooh, how it riles Noob to type that!   Would someone please beat Seattle?   That haven’t even lost in twelve matches.  This is supposed to end with Sounders having peaked to soon, fade late and lose early in or miss the Playoffs.

For less-tenured Noobites, the first hardcore soccer fan I ever met was a university T.A. who was a bandwagon-jumping Seattle fan.  He was neither from nor were we at the time anywhere remotely near Washington state.  It sickened Noob then and now.

The Union had been a nice little streak of their own.  Five wins in a row.  A road draw to crappy Orlando City was understandable perhaps.  The road is the road.  But getting your butt spanked monkey-red 1-4 in your own house to admittedly, surprisingly, and suddenly frisky Montreal is far less so.  In tandem, giving up six goals in those two matches is disconcerting.

The teams are both in 5th place in their respective conferences, though Seattle has a team tied with them on points.  Top six make the Playoffs.

RESULT:   Philly   0-1      Noob’s Sounders nightmare is finally over!

Philly scored at 90′, right after getting a man sent off by red card.   Let there be joy!

Image result for seattle sounders fight and win

 

 

He’s an even bigger d-bag than this “Fight and win”- screaming Sounders ultra.

  1. Young Boys of Bern vs. Manchester United – UEFA Champions League

The most competitive CL match today with an English team may be the other one – Manchester City vs. Lyon.  But Noob did England versus France yesterday, so I’m taking some liberty and switching things up.

Based on their football database.com ELO ratings, Man Utd should hypothetically win this match on a neutral site about 75% of the time.  Converting that in Noob’s and the match being in Switzerland, I figure them to be a goal and a half fave today.

But, as stated above, the road is the road.  Never as easy as it should be.  And while they seem to have recovered from bad losses at bad B&H Albion and then whipped at home 0-3 by Hotspur, the two wins since have been against meh teams at best.

Meanwhile, YBB have started their league season 6-0-0.  Plus, they had to earn their way into the Group Stage here via some qualifying matches.   The whole stew has Noob wishing very much this game were being broadcast stateside.  If Bern were to pull an upset, and with Valencia and Italian champs Juventus lurking here in Group H…

RESULT:   Man Utd   0-3        So much for that Noob-theory

  1. Toronto FC vs. Tigres UANL – Campeones Cup

Never heard of it?   Neither had Noob.   This isn’t a tournament, just a one-off match.  But it’s got American and Mexican clubs playing and there’s a shiny trophy to be presented at the end.  That means I’m in like Flynn!

So let’s get into a few particulars.  This features the reigning MLS champion and the winner of the Campeon de Campeones.  That thing was a match between last season’s winners of the Apertura and Clausura (first and second half-season).

So how have they been doing in their respective leagues seasons this year?  Tigres are in the top half, in the postseason picture.  Not bad.   Toronto, OTOH, is in 9th in the Western conference, nine points out of the playoffs.  Their record is actually above .500, but that’s all they’ve got going for them.   They’re easily a goal underdog, even at home in Canadia.

For all that, they’re still airing it on ESPN2 (8:15 PM).   Yay, footsieball!

RESULT:   Tigres   1-3      UANL in a rout.  Jesus Alberto Duenas with a pair of goals.   

Image result for Campeones Cup funny

 

 

Champions are in Noob’s house?

Tigers are in my house?

  1. Suwon Bluewings vs. Jeonbuk – AFC Champions League

This is the second leg of a Quarterfinal match in Asia.  The winner gets Kashima Antlers in Semis.

Jeonbuk ran away and hid from the rest of the pack this now-completed South Korean K League 1 season.  They won half again as many games as the runners-up.

Defending titleholders don’t auto-qualify, so even if Suwon win this whole shebang, they’re out in 2019.  And they only finished 4th in K League 1 – not high enough.

Sooooo you can imagine how the first match of this two-legged tie went.   Suwon won 0-3.  Yup!  Completely against logic.  Again Noob says, yay footsieball!

RESULT:   Jeonbuk   0-3     And so the scrip got flipped.   But then Suwon won the penalty shootout to advance.   Victory!

  1. Orange County F.C. vs. Real Monarchs SLC – United Soccer League

OK, there’s an argument to be made that the Portland Timbers-Columbus Crew match in MLS is more important.   Make yer own darn footsieball site, Noob’s sticking with the scouted second division match!  It was a Western Conference #1 vs. #B matchup when I scouted it a few days ago.

RM SLC have slipped to 3rd since then.  That suits Noober fine.  You must know by know how I feel about Amuricuhn clubs with “monarchs” or anything “royal/real” in their names.  Down with them!  No kings and queens here.  We fought and won a war up New England way a long while back, and that result still holds!

The Monarchs have treated of late as is good, right and appropriate – 0-1-3 in their last four matches.   They may not fall all the way out of the top eight and miss the Playoffs, but a couple more notches and at least they won’t have any home pitch-advantage.

The O.C. are 2-1-1 over the same stretch.  The competition has been soft, but it’s more winning than not.

RESULT:   O.C.   5-2        Aodhan Quinn with two for the home team

Image result for toddler soccer

 

Maybe not as soft as a toddler seemingly in a fat suit.

But soft.

  1. Real Esteli vs. Diriangen – Nicaragua Premier

While I don’t think CONCACAF ranks domestic leagues themselves, Noob did find a webpage related to both SBNation and perhaps the Philapdelphia Union (via thebrotherlygame.com) which does.  It uses historical international play results, much the same as other federations so.   Eggzalent.

So Nicaragua’s appears to be the #12 league in our world region.  While that’s not very strong compared to the Central American leagues, it bests all but a couple of the Caribbean ones.

These are the current #1 and #3 clubs in their young season.  Esteli’s position is particularly impressive since they’ve played 1-2 fewer matches than the other top teams.  They’re also the only undefeated team remaining.

Diriangen’s been getting featured in the Track recently based on a top-three finish last season.  They’re #B now, just a point off the pacesetters.

Goal differential:   Diriangen 9:7;  Real Estili 9:2.   Tale told.

RESULT:   Esteli   1-0

Thursday

coming soon!

Tuesday

  1. North Carolina Courage vs. Chicago Red Stars – National Women’s Soccer League Playoffs

After being postponed Tuesday because of Hurricane Florence, the Semifinal is back on.   The winner will get Portland, which beat visiting Seattle in the other one-off Semi.

Courage are the best women’s club team on the planet.  They destroyed the NWSL throughout the regular season.   There are a ton of names you could/should know.   But this is Noob, so we take smaller bites.  Lynn Williams, while not being the very biggest star, has been on a scoring streak.  Impress friends with her name.

Chicago have two things going for them.  Sam Kerr leads the league in scoring, has nabbed six goals in the last four matches.   The other is that this game will not be a true home one for NC.   It’s been moved to Portland.   (9:00 PM EST, ESPNEWS)

RESULT:   NC   2-0      On to the Final!

B.  Liverpool vs. Paris Saint-Germain – UEFA Champions League

It’s back!   And now it’s time for the “competition proper” to begin.  On and off in previous months, Noob’s featured games from the pre-Group Stage rounds.

Now we’re in it.  Eight Groups of four each playing a double-round robin, home-and-away series.  Top two finishers in each advance to the Knockout Round.  3rd-place finishers get dropped into advance rounds of the Europa League.

This is one of eight matches today, and it’s hard to call one more “important” than another.  But that’s Noob’s self-assigned task.  We lean England here, since the American soccer fan naturally does when it comes to European soccer.

These two should be the ones to come out of Group C.  Napoli is solid, here as last season’s Italian runners-up.  Red Star Belgrade out of Serbia is sneaky-good, but not that good.  Citing footballdatabase.com and the ELO formula usage there to rate and rank teams,

It’s a quirky call to handicap this one.  If you’re a gambler and can get PSG and a goal, take that.  But don’t bet the farm.  Or more than a chicken or three even.

Actually, if you’ve found a betting house that accepts rural property or domestic fowl as currencies, just leave the whole thing be.   (3:00 PM, TNT)

RESULT:   Liverpool   3-2      Liverpool blew a 2-0 lead before getting the winner at 90’+3

Image result for gambling for chickens

 

 

Gambling with chickens will not go your way, any which way you try.

  1. Atletico Tucuman vs. Gremio – Copa Libertadores

Quarterfinals time in South America’s version of Champions League.  Here, they play two-legged ties, home and away.   This is the first leg.

Tucuman are here by virtue of a runner-up finish in Argentina’s last FA Cup.  They’re only the 8th-best team in the country.   Gremio are the defending Copa champions, yet actually not an absolutely overwhelming favorite today.  They should get a draw today, advance on a 1-2 goal win on the return leg.   (8:45 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Gremio   0-2

’10 to Track’ for Saturday (8/18) – ten match previews for your ogling pleasure

The most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

Our collective soccer education.  Noob’s unstable mind and left field-humor.   A combination almost as good as chocolate-almond-coconut ice  cream served by a Brazilian agriculture student.

Read on to have THAT explained.  Check back for results, too.  On matches, not the Brazilian girl.   And follow Noob on Twitter at SoccerNoobUSA.com.  Thanks.

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. Portland Timbers – Major League Soccer

As the regular season moves into its final third, it appears eight Western Conference teams are vying for the six postseason berths allotted them.  Just ten points separate the last of that group from first.

(Minnesota United fans, Noob looks forward to your emails of bile and vitriol.  Your club is trading away its talent now.  Management knows it’s over this year.  Embrace the pain.)

Portland are in 5th now, but not playing like they’ll stay there.  Two losses in a row to non-playoff bound competition don’t bode well.  Admittedly, that D.C. United team looks frisky this week, but were in last for a long time for a reason.  Reasons.

Kansas City have their groove back.  They’ve been in a brutal stretch of schedule, had lost three straight to fall to 4th.  Now, they’ve won back-to-back games against solid competition and have #1 Dallas in their sights, who dangle just three points ahead.

The key to recovering from their tailspin has been the back line.  Unsurprisingly, it has been spearheaded by MLS’ 2017 Defender of the Year award winner Ike Opara.   (8:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   KC   3-0

Image result for Ike Opara

 

Defense:  Top-notch

Ike’s head wear choice:

YOU make the call.

B.  Philadelphia Union vs. NYCFC – Major League Soccer

Things are shaping up a little differently in the East.  The top three seeds look secure, though in what order they’ll finish is up for grabs.  Columbus will be the #4 seed.  NYCFC and NY Red Bulls are tied for #B, just two in back of Atlanta.

The last two Playoff slots are down to four clubs realistically.  Here, we find Philly, tied for 5th.  They just bagged a big win over peer New England.  Since they’re hosting, Noob’s calling this match a tossup today.   (7:00 PM, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Philly   2-0

Image result for B is for bag

 

 

 

And for “blue” and for “Noob” spelled backwards.

Tres chic, Number B.

  1. Portland Thorns vs. Chicago Red Stars – Nationals Women’s Soccer League

Three matches to go in the regular season.  Here’s what we know:  North Carolina kick butt.  What we think we know:  Seattle are going to get the #B seed.

Five teams remain alive for the other two Playoff spots.  Portland are in the driver’s seat for the coveted #3 seed.  Not having to play NC in the opening round is a big deal.  Chicago and Orlando are tied for 4th.

Portland have won four of five and Chicago haven’t lost in four consecutive outings.   Check out this humdinger on ESPNEWS at 10:30 PM.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Monterrey vs. UNAM Pumas – Liga MX

We’re essentially at the quarter mark for the Apertura (first half-season) already!   Noob loves just 17 matches.  Every single one is so important.  And so it’s time for Noob to stop using last season’s results as a crutch and look at what we really have in Mexico now.

Pumas went from 14th to 7th between the 2017-18 half-season tournaments.  And look at UNAM now!  1st place.  One of two clubs with no losses.  Tied for the best offense in the league.  They grow up so fast!  *sniffle*

in 5th, we find Monterrey.  They finished in 1st and 3rd last year in the two tournaments.  They’re matches have been low-scoring to start out this Apertura, a surprise.  This one’s at 10:06 PM on FS2 to see of Pumas can continue to hold the top spot.

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-0

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Yes, Fox Sports 2 is a real channel.

We’re not to “The Ocho” yet, but all in good time.

  1. Chelsea vs. Arsenal – English Premier

Early here in the EPL season we get a matchup between last year’s two best teams that were disappointments.  At 5th and 6th place, they just missed out on Champions League berths.

The stories about these teams that will get you through Level One water cooler-chat:

Both teams have new coaches.  Chelsea expectedly won their first game while Arsenal lost to the defending champs to start this season.  And Chelsea star Eden Hazard should join the starting lineup now.  He’s gotten some rest after his run with his World Cup team in Belgium.  (12:30 PM, NBC)

RESULT:   Chelsea   3-2      Chelsea squandered a 2-0 early lead before closing this one out late.

  1. Lazio vs. Napoli – Serie A

Nearly all the talk this European off-season has been about Cristiano Ronaldo moving from Real Madrid to Juventus.  But don’t miss this match.

Napoli gave Juve everything they could handle in last season’s title race.  And Lazio – who are really fun to watch with the ball in the opponent’s third – finished 5th, losing out on a Champions League berth by tiebreaker.

RESULT:   Napoli   1-2

Image result for lazio funny

 

 

 

Plastic bottle-gladiator guy on the Lazio Plaza.

Hopefully he’s selling those to hot, thirsty footyball fans.

  1. Difaa al Jadida vs. MC Alger – CAF Champions League

And speaking of CL, let’s head to Africa’s.  A reminder of where we are:  Group Stage.  Four pods of four clubs each play double-round robins.  Top two from each will advance to the Knockout Stage.  Most everyone is four matches into their six.

In Group B, Congolese club TP Mazembe has already earned 1st place.  MC Alger is one of two Algerian clubs vying for runner-up, and they lead ES Setif by just a point.

DaJ aren’t out of it entirely, but have to earn more than draws to have any shot.  They’re actually the slightly more accomplished team internationally.  Between that, home pitch advantage, and plain old desperation, Noob looks for El Jadida to nab the W today.

RESULT:   El Jadida   2-0

  1. Royal Pari vs. The Strongest – Bolivia Premier

Welcome to the Track, Royal Pari!  Congrats on getting Promoted to Premier after last season.

In the Apertura, they finished in the bottom half of their division, if just.  Not bad for newbs.  And now in the Clausura – when the league plays all one division – (Bolivia is strange that way), they’re #B and have no losses!  Muy bueno.  But now, the real test.  The Strongest are 6-0-0.

These are the two highest goal-scoring offenses in the league.   To catch it, though, Noobites will likely have to try Googling up some internet streamage.  Maybe even pirated.  Yaaarrrgh.

RESULT:   R.P.   1-0

Image result for pirates computers

 

 

 

Yup.  Went there.

  1. Corinthians vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

#7 versus #4.  Two teams that will probably move up the table before all is said and done.   (6:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

Noob recently took his daughter and a neighbor kid out for a day, and that included a downtown ice cream shop near the local University.  The new girl working the counter was Brazilian.  Wonderful!  Buuhhht turns out she doesn’t care for football.  The footyball gods taunt Noob.

Noob learned a few interesting things though:

—  “Corinthians” might be pronounced with more of almost a “ch” than a “th” in Brazil.   Or our server might’ve had a speech impediment.  Noob didn’t ask.  Never mess with people handling your food.

—  The neighbor kid I had in tow told me I have a new girlfriend now, since I chatted her up so much.

Look, child.  Noob’s married and old enough to chat up an attractive, exotic, visiting postgrad intern without any nefarious intentions. What’s more, I— I— Oh my.  It’s true.   I am now my father.

—  One not need add much of any coconut to chocolate-almond to get the appropriate flavor effect.  Well-done, ice cream peoples.

RESULT:   Gremio   0-1

10.  FC Cincinatti vs. Charleston Battery – United Soccer League

Noob bookends today’s Track by bringing our gaze back stateside, to the second division.  Since the top eight in each conference will make the Playoffs, these are in excellent shape.  Cinci – who will be joining MLS next year – lead the East by five.  Charleston is tied with Pittsburgh Riverhounds for #B.

Charleston haven’t lost a league match since June 6.  And that’s as long as Cinci’s gone!  Primo matchup.  Noob wishes DII would get on the t00b.  Maybe the matches are carried locally and can be found on the interwebs.

RESULT:   Cinci   3-0

Image result for Cincinnati weird

 

 

 

So long from The Mushroom House,  Hyde Park, Cinci!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (8/4) – MLS back from All-Star break

After months of compressing the weekend matches into a single Track!  No more!  MLS in full swing again, the best of Europe rousing from its slumber.  Back to full Tracks for Saturday and Sunday.  Let’s dig in.

  1. Orlando City vs. New England Revolution – Major League Soccer

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  The Management and Noob waggle our fingers at you and laugh, Orlando.  You can’t exist in a city built on a swamp and expect anything but bad ends.  Losers of four in a row.  Only one win in the last, oh, two months and change (and that over over-aged Toronto).  9th place in the Eastern Conference.

Not that New England’s doing much better of late, losers of three straight.  At least they’re still holding onto the East’s 6th and last playoff berth.  Matt Turner and that back line have allowed seven goals over those losses.  Philly will catch them posthaste if that doesn’t get shored up pronto.   (7:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   3-3

Image result for matt turner new england revolution funny

 

 

Turner might consider turning his superpowers back on.

B.  Houston Dynamo vs. Sporting Kansas City – Major League Soccer

The Management will be breaking out the pork rinds and sushi boat for this one.  Add his KC ties to the righteous loathing of Swamp Cities and you’ve got him pulling out all the stops.

He should be bringing out any lucky charms he has as well.  Sporting’s lost three in a row and didn’t win a league match all June.  They’ve fallen from 1st to 5th in the West.

While the road is never easy, they could be catching Houston at the right time though.  Dynamo have lost two in a row, courtesy of some porous defense.  They’re down in 9th now, four points out of a playoff slot.   (8:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   KC   0-1

Image result for letter B on the go

 

 

Number B is all about the road.

And won’t swerve to avoid Number Two if it comes to it.

  1. Pachuca vs. CF America – Liga MX

Pachuca improved their offense over the course of 2017-18, moving from 12th in the Apertura (first half-season) to 9th in the Clausura.  Not quite enough to make the Liguilla (postseason tournament).  It’s their defense CFA will look to exploit as they look for another top-three finish.

RESULT:   CFA   1-3

  1. Inter Milan vs. Lyon – International Champions Cup

These may two of the weakest teams in this event, but there are no slouches to be found anywhere.  Inter finished fourth in Serie A last year while Lyon was third in Ligue 1.

While some clubs have already finished their three matches in this shiny pile o’ friendlies- tuneups for the impending league season starts – Inter is playing just their second now.  They lost to Chelsea in penalty kicks.  Lyon has played just once so far as well, topping Portugal’s Benfica.   (2:00 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   Inter   1-0

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Pile o’ friendly pandas

  1. FC Cincinnati vs. Nashville FC – United Soccer league

Cinci haven’t lost a league match since May, and so now lead the Eastern Conference and are tied for the most points in the entire league.  The only losses they’ve suffered over that stretch have been in penalties to MLS’ Minnesota United and a narrow one to Spanish La Liga club Espanyol.

After a fabulous spring and early summer, expansion cub Nashville are wilting in the dog day-heat.  They haven’t beaten anyone outside of lowly Toronto II since early June.  The offense is flat-out gone.  That said, they’re still in 7th and in line for a Playoff berth.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. AS Monaco – France Super Cup

The “big” European leagues are all about to start up.  That means it’s Sooooooooooooper Cup time!  These don’t count towards league standings or anything else, but a shiny trophy will still be awarded.

PSG won both Ligue 1 and the FA Cup last year.  As the league runner-up, ASM gets to make the trip.  Trip?  Yep.   They’re playing it in the Guangdong province of China for some reason.   (8:00 AM, beIN Sports En Espanol)

RESULT:   PSG   4-0

ShenZhen Universiade Sports Centre.jpg

 

 

Shenzhen Universiade Sports Centre, Guangdong province

  1. FC Porto vs. Deportivo das Aves – Portugal Super Cup

This one will almost certainly go to Porto, the defending league champion.  Aves had a magical run to the FA Cup title, but finished just 13th in league play, woefully on goal-scoring.  This one’s in Portugal, though at a neutral site.

RESULT:   Porto   3-1

  1. PSV Eindhoven vs. Feyenoord – Netherlands Super Cup

They’ll play the Dutch version at PSV’s place, their reward for winning the Eredivisie last year.  Feyenoord won the FA Cup, finished 4th in the league.

RESULT:   Feyenoord   0-0  /  5-6  pk

Image result for dutch football funny

 

 

 

Good thing the fans won’t get weird…

  1. Gremio vs. Flamengo – Brazil Serie A

Gremio are tied for 4th and host the league #1 today.  The top six will all get invites to the next Copa Libertadores, but only the top four will get ushered through right to the Group Stage.  These two allow fewer goals than any other clubs in the league.

RESULT:   Gremio   2-0

  1. HJK vs. RoPS – Finland Veikkausliga

We finish our Track with a 1-2 matchup!  It may be just the 38th-ranked league in Europe, but this and other northern European summer leagues are over halfway through.  The stakes are heating up.

HJK are the defending league champs and lead all others in offense by a mile.  RoPS are ten points back now.  The desperately need a road upset today to keep any credible hope alive for catching the leaders.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for Helsinki weird

 

 

So long from Helsinki (HJK’s home city)!

Noob’s still trying to “read” the Sibelius Monument.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/14) – calling all suckitude!

Clubs are starting to drop like flies as many of UEFA league seasons come to an end.  But the Relegation fun never ends!  Let’s get to know some clubs here at their bitter ends.

But first, some matches of import for happier reasons!

  1. Fulham vs. Derby County – English Championship

League #6 Derby County took the first leg of this Promotion Playoff semifinal, 1-0.  But today, #3 Fulham have the home pitch advantage.  The winner advances to face either Aston Villa or Middlesbrough.  Look for Fulham to return to being the terror on offense today they were all league season.

RESULT:   Fulham   2-0   And so they advance!

Image result for work promotion funny

B.  Brondby vs. Midtjylland – Denmark Superliga

#1 vs. #B!

Three matches to go in Denmark.  Brondby lead by three in the table, so Midtjylland needs a result here or they’re essentially finished.  That’s not only for the title, but this league gets just one Champions League invite.  It’s worth nothing that Brondby haven’t lost since September.

RESULT:   Midtjylland   0-1    And now they’re tied!  (Well, Borndby still lead on tiebreaking goal differential.)

Image result for letter B gif

 

 

Number B is excited for an impending B-team title!

  1. Al Ahli vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

It’s the Round of 16 in Asian’s top event!  Qatari side Al-Sadd won the first leg 2-1.  UAE’s Al Ahli are the underdogs for this tie, and at home Noob thinks they’re only an even match.

RESULT:   2-2   Al-Sadd are on to the Quarters!

And now, the transition into the glorious suckitude!

  1. Karabukspor vs. Fenerbahce – Turkey Super Lig

This match does double duty, being important at both ends of the table.

Fenerbahce have made a remarkable climb back into the Champions League berth conversation with seven straight league wins.  This has them in 4th.  They’re not in title contention heading into this last match, but a win gives them a chance at #B.  But anything short of that, plus losses by both teams ahead of them, and it’s destination: Europa League.

Karabukspor, what can Noob say?  You earned fewer than half as many points as the team in second-to-last.  No shame, no judgement, but come back when you’re worthy.  Relegation.

RESULT:   Fenerbahce   0-7      not a typo

Image result for karabukspor wheelchair basketball

 

Fun Fact:  Wheelchair basketball is one of the only three sports supported by Karabukspor’s club.

  1. Bray Wanderers vs. Waterford – League of Ireland Premier

Good night, but Bray are awful!   They’ve only earned points in three games this season.  That’s more than twice as bad as the next team up.  Giving up more than two goals per match will have that effect.  Waterford have had a super season, sitting in 3rd.

Fun Fact:  Bray Wanderers’ home supporter attendance averages just 300.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Deportivo Capiata – Paraguay Pro Division

3 de Febrero are going to go right back down to second division.  Hopefully they get souvenir t-shirts before they go, or some emblazoned Yeti cups.  Something.

RESULT:   3 de Febrero   3-0    It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Image result for St. Blaise day

 

 

 

Fun Fact:   3 de Febrero are named for the date of the national holiday of St. Blas (Blaise) Day.

  1. Slaven vs. NK Istra 1961 – Croatia First League

With two league matches remaining, the best Istra can do is tread water and remain in second-to-last place.  This means to play First League next year, they’d have to survive a Playoff against the #B second division club.  Currently they’re tied for last, but Cibalia only have one game left.  Slaven are in 7th.

Fun Fact:  Istra plays in a Roman arena on which construction first began in the year 27 B.C.

RESULT:   Slaven   1-0

  1. Kalmar FF vs. Sirius – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

They’re not quite ten games into this summer league’s season, but last-place Sirius aren’t even averaging a goal per game.

Kalmar are a surprise at 4th so far, having been very, very not-4th in 2017.  Noob’s expecting a breath-taking scoreless draw from these two.

RESULT:   Kalmar   1-0

Image result for Kalmar ff

 

Noob knows crest-bashing isn’t high art but…

…them’s underwear.

  1. Pirin Blagoevgrad vs. Etar – Bulgaria First Pro League

Etar won the first Relegation Playout match 2-1.  The loser here will have to win two consecutive two-legged ties to remain in the top flight.  The winners only have to win one of their next two.

Fun Fact:   PB are “The Baby Eagles”.   Could we get some adult eagles in here?

RESULT:   Etar   0-1

  1. Gorica vs. ND Triglav – Slovenia Prva Liga

Last-place Trigalv’s hope of a road win today lies in that fact that mid-table Gorica might be unmotivated here at season’s end.  If they can climb just one spot, Gorica gets a chance to stay in the top tier league by defeating the second-place team from Slovenia’s Second League.

RESULT:  Triglav   0-2    Relegation Monday miracle number B on the day!

NK Triglav Kranj.svg

 

 

So long from Kranj, Slovenia, home of the Orli (“Eagles”)!  Adult ones.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Wednesday, 8/27 – FA Cups, throwing shade at SheBelieves, and Evil Flower-Elmo…

The ten most important soccer matches for the newish American soccer fan to follow.  T2T are the spine of this project.  Noob hopes it is helpful and fun.

Tenured soccer fans, come on in and stay a while!  There;’s always a little to learn for everyone.

And the comedy attempt-aspect is NOT weird, confusing, or inappropriate.  Not ever.  *bonnnngggg*

  1. FC Dallas vs. Tauro – CONCACAF Champions League

The First Round continues.  Panamanian Tauro took down Dallas 1-0 in the first leg.  To advance, Dallas has to not only win, but they must win by at least two goals is Tauro gets one (tiebreaker rule – away goals).

Dallas is better on paper, looks like the favorite.  But it’s important to remember that the non-Amuricuhn clubs have been playing their league seasons for some time.  U.S. teams start their league this weekend, aren’t nearly as in form yet.

RESULT:   Dallas   3-2     But Tauro advances!  Aggregate ends 3-3, the Panamanians advancing on away-goal tiebreaker.

Image result for FC Dallas supporters

 

One stripper for the young Dallas supporter, one for the bull.

Noob’s terrified on multiple fronts..

B.  Guadalajara vs. Cibao – CONCACAF Champions League

The Mexican side won the away leg of this tie 0-2.  Now they get to finish off Ciabo from the Dominican Republic at home.    (8:00 PM Eastern, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Guadalajara   5-0

Image result for dominican letter B

 

 

 

Cardi B (and her Dominican dad) are thrilled this match is Number B.

  1. CF America vs. Saprissa – CONCACAF Champions League

Noob has often thought Costa Rica’s Saprissa was one of the sneaky-best clubs in the federation.  Well, they got not-so-sneaky clobbered 1-5 in the first leg of this fiasco.  CFA may win today 2-0 just by accident.    (10:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1      CFA advances on aggregate.

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Rochdale – English FA Cup

The Fifth Round Proper has another Replay to do.  Third-tier Rochdale had a stunning finish to equalize in the first go-‘round between these two.  Their reward will seemingly be to get thrashed at Wembley, but at least they get to split the gate!  Noob fervently wishes for the upset, of course.    (2:45 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Hotspur   6-1      This was actually a match at halftime, 1-1.

Image result for death of harry hotspur

 

 

Die 1000 more times, traitorous Harry “Hotspur” Percy!

  1. Alebrijes Oaxaca vs. Puebla – Copa MX

This is the last game of the Group Stage for these two.  Second-division Oaxaca lead by a point.  Puebla is in second.  Most second-place teams from these Groups of three will advance.  But the worst-performing two of the nine will not, and right now Liga MX side Puebla are among those two.

Oaxaca would be fine with a draw.  Puebla has to win.  It will be entertaining to see which club can control the pace.

RESULT:   1-1     So Oaxaca advances, and Puebla -as the worst-finishing second place Group finisher – is out.

  1. Japan vs. Netherlands – Algarve Cup

Previously, this has been the premier invitational women’s tournament in the world.  The SheBelieves Cup has taken some of its luster, however, by siphoning off four of the very best national teams.

Noob is not pleased with this development over the last three years.  Algarve is a lovely region of Portugal, and tradition is wonderful.

Still, 12 teams play in Portugal, divided into Groups of four to start.  These two are ranked 9th and 7th by FIFA.

RESULT:   Netherlands   2-6      So much for Noob having tried to pick a competitive match from this event to feature

Image result for shebelieves cup 2018

 

Noob Believes She not believing in a space between two words makes She looks silly.

  1. Lazio vs. AC Milan – Coppa Italia

Lazio kept things scoreless in the first leg of this Semifinal tie.  Milan now has their work cut out for them for their road trip.  That said, if they can score an away-goal today, then Lazio has to get at least two to advance.

These two are 4th and 7th place in Serie A, respectively.    (2:45 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   AC Milan   1-1  /  4-5   pk

  1. Millonarios vs. Corinthians – Copa Libertadores

This is the first Group Stage match for these two.  Here, clubs are divided into Groups of four each.  The top two finishers in each advance, while the 3rd-place sides will get dropped down to Copa Sudamericana (South America’s version of Europa League).

Millonarios are the second-highest qualifying team from Colombia.  Corinthians are sort of the #1 qualifier from Brazil.  (Defending champions Gremio are from Brazil, go in automatically.)

Noobstradamus attests that home field advantage will be enough today, Millonarios will net a 2-1 last-minute, thrilling victory!

RESULT:   0-0      A thrilling prognostication failure…

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

I also Believe a serious backlash is coming for ripping on SheBelieves.

Goodness.  That name does look stupid.

  1. Chambly vs. Strasbourg – Coupe de France

Minnow Alert!   Chambly may be stinking up Championnat National (third-tier) joint and be about to get Relegated, but they’ve made a surprise run to the Quarterfinal in this FA Cup.

Strasbourg are having a poor, forgettable year in Ligue 1, but they’re still Ligue 1 and so should whomp this team in their own house.    (12:30 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Chambly   1-0     Minnow success!

  1. Aves vs. Caldas – Taca de Portugal

Noob finds this arrangement strange.  Usually the higher-ranking team gets to host the second leg of a tie.  But for this Semifinal, Primeira Liga Aves hosts first.

Aves was promoted to Portugal’s top flight just this year.  They’re the best of the worst this season, on top of a tight group of clubs in the bottom of the table.  Caldas are a third-division team, sitting in the middle of one of the Campeonato subdivisions.

RESULT:   Aves   1-0

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Speaking of strange arrangements…

’10 to Track’ soccer matches midweek edition: UEFA Champions League returns!

Relegation Monday saw an astounding three upsets from yesterday’s feature matches.  And now we get to huddle around the life-giving light that is UEFA Champions League.

Rejoice, give thanks… and watch out for the armed Lapalandic culinary madman at post’s end…

Tuesday, 2/13

  1. Juventus vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – UEFA Champions League

The Knockout Round begins!  We’re down to 16 teams.  The eight Group Stage winners will each face off against a randomly-drawn second place-finishesr.  Each pair will play a two-legged tie (two-match series, home and away) to determine who advances.

Hotspur carry the slightly-lesser international rating, but have been on fire in arguably the world’s toughest league. They also didn’t lose any Group Stage matches.

Juve recently took over first place in Italy’s Serie A.  Noob’s calling this one for the home team, and hopes it’s not his anti-Hotspur bias clouding his senses.

RESULT:   2-2      Reviled Hotspur actually dominated this game, but fell behind 0-2 early.

B.  Basel vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

During the Group Stage and other international events, Noob sang the praises of the surprising Swiss.  But this is Man City, top of the English Premier heap.  Basel would do well to keep within a goal, even at home.

RESULT:   Man City   0-4

Image result for singing letter B

 

 

Number B sings, too.  

Even if she’s lyrically-challenged.

 

  1. CF América vs. Morelia – Liga MX

The hosts are #B in the league, one of two clubs to have not yet lost early here in the Clausura (second half-season).  They sport the best defense this go-round.  Morelia are not far behind, in 5th.

And the “Monarchs” will lose, MUST lose.   No kings and queens in North America!  Noob’s quest to tear down all monarch-named teams is right up there with the same for Hotspur and the quest for the world to accept Number B in all lists and rankings.

RESULT:   America   3-1

Honorable mention:   Crvena Zvezda/CSKA Moscow (Europa League), any AFC Champions League or Copa Sudamericana match, Santiago Wanderers/Santa Fe (Copa Libertadores qualification)

Wednesday, 2/14

  1. Real Madrid vs. Paris Saint-Germain – UEFA Champions League

Real Madrid are the defending champions, but only finished #B in their Group.  This matches up with them having slipped to 4th place in La Liga.

Meanwhile, PSG won their Group and has run away with the French top league title.  They’ve been a goal-scoring beast, and Noobstradamus is making this is Prognostication O’ the Week.  Real’s struggles continue with a home embarrassment – PSG:  0-2.

RESULT:   Real   3-1      PSG scored first, but that woke Real up, apparently

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

As embarrassing as my choice in head gear and my Forrest Whitaker-eye

  1. Porto vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

Unlike the aforementioned Swiss, Portuguese teams have by and large failed to impress Noob on the world stage in recent months.  On paper, at home, they’re an even match for Liverpool.   Noob thinks this match will mirror the one above though.

RESULT:   Liverpool   0-5      FC Porto-potty.  Wow.

  1. Santos vs. León – Liga MX

Noob’s leaning toward León of late, for having signed American legend Landon Donovan midyear.  But apparently the move isn’t helping much on defense.  They may be in 6th, but teams are putting up pinball-numbers on them.  Santos is in 4th, and should hold serve at home.

RESULT:   Santos   5-1

Image result for Landon Donovan Leon

 

 

Es ella la domadora de leones?

  1. Independiente vs. Grêmio – Recopa Sudamericana

Wait, Noober – we know about Copa Sudamericana, but what in tarnation is this?

A fair question.  But don’t you think “Noober” is a little informal?  I am Noob!

The Management:   To whom are you even “talking”?

Write checks and stay quiet.  I’m the talent here.

The Management:  Using that term a little loosely, aren’t you, Noobstra-dumbass?

That hurts me to my core.   Hush now.

Anyway!   Last year’s Copa Libertadores and Copa Sudamericana champions play a two-legged tie for a trophy.  Why?   Because they’re shiny, and soccer players are like squirrels.  *nod*  The Argentinian side hosts Leg One.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Kashima Antlers vs. Shanghai Shenhua – AFC Champions League

Asian teams are playing their first games of the Group Stage in their C.L.

Kashima are the two-time defending J1 League champions.  Shenhua qualified by virtue of winning China’s FA Cup.  They really overachieved in that, given that they only managed to finish 11th of 16 teams in the Super League.  The Antlers are about to mess up their s—stuff.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for japan mess you up funny

 

 

NO clue.

But now MY stuff is certainly messed up.

  1. Shkëndia vs. Vardar Skopje – Macedonia First Football League

UEFA only rates this league #37 of 55 leagues on the continent.  So why bother?  It’s #1 versus #B!   Noob endeavors to never ignore such.  And though we be Noob and Noobite, we will broaden our footyball horizons even as we learn about the biggest and closest-to-home leagues.

These two have scored more than any other four teams in this league.  And the hosts are responsible for far more than their fair share of that.  Still, they only lead Vardar by six points in the table, with over 1/3 of the season to go.  And the visitors have the best defense, if not by leaps and bounds.

RESULT:   1-1

Honorable Mention:    Either of the two Copa Libertadores qualification matches today

Thursday, 2/15

  1. Östersunds vs. Arsenal – Europa League

Europe’s second-most prestigious international tournament enters its Round of 32 now.  The eight third-place Group Stage clubs from Champions League get booted down to join the two dozen 1st and Bth (second, if you must) -place finishers in the Knockout Round.

Swedish Ostersunds qualified by winning their FA Cup, just as Arsenal did.  English football is a weeee bit tougher.  Arsenal 1-3 seems proper, unless they don’t go full-bore here, try saving their energies for Premier League.

RESULT:   Arsenal   0-3

Dan the Intern-o Inferno and resident Swede-ophile, when asked for comment on this match, said he fervently hopes chicken boom boom will be available at the concessions.

Honorable Mention:   Any of the 14 other Europa League matches, Copa Libertadores qualification and Copa Sudamericana matches, Esperance/Etoile du Sahel (Tunisia)