Tag: Hapoel Tel Aviv

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday (1/14) matches – more Suckitude than you can handle or deserve!

Monday’s world league scheds are exceptionally light today.  So, before we dig into Matches of Suckitude – ones that feature teams about to get Relegated for their poor performances – we start with some match mini-previews of happier import.  Enjoy.

1. Manchester City vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers – English Premier League
  • UEFA league rank: #B
  • Table positions: #B, #11
  • Stakes: top 4 go to Champions League
  • Time of season: middle

The defending runaway champs can retake the league lead today with a win. They’ve reeled off four straight wins since a two-loss speed bump that allowed Liverpool to move into 1st. The last two of those were by a combined score of 16-0, though over non-Premier foes in Cup tournaments.

Wolves are in 11th, but would move into the top half of the 20-team table with a draw and jump to 8th or 7th with a win. How is a team that was just promoted doing so well? Money infusion from the Chinese conglomerate that bought them. (Thank you to the Bros Talking Soccer podcast guys for the answer to that one on their Slack.) They win with smallish ball – low scores for everyone. It’s not likely to work today…but “defense travels” is an axiom for a reason!

RESULT:   City   3-0

B. U.A.E. vs. Thailand – Asian Cup

The Group Stage of Asia’s national team championships is nearly done. The pods of four are playing just a single round robin, all matches in the host Emirates. The top two from each Group automatically advance to the next round. The four best third place finishers will also move on.

U.A.E. have already mathematically advanced. Thailand are tied with India for runners-up, but down to them on head-to-head tiebreaker. The AFC ranks homers U.A.E. #4 and Thailand #8 (FIFA ranks #79 and #118). But no matter – the Thais are so far the best of the third-place sides, are all but certain to advance as well.

RESULT:   1-1        The Thais advance as the Group runners-up!

Image result for letter B cartoon sword

 

 

Number B is back, and the quest to be rid of Number Two in lists is ON.

3. Newtown vs. St. Paul’s – St. Kitts and Nevis Premier
  • CONCACAF league rank: they don’t really do them
  • Table positions: #B, #3
  • Stakes: top 4 play for the title
  • Time of season: over 1/3 done

Two similar teams chasing Village Superstars for the trophy!

RESULT:   1-1

4 and 5.

Gotta be honest. It’s late here on Sodor where Noob is wintering. Gotta save time for continuing to put together the coming Isle of Sodor Premier League page.

So. The Coppa Italia (FA Cup is in its Round of 16. Also, there’s also a second division Portuguese league match you can Google up, should the Spirit move you.

And now, Matches of Suckitude!

6. Aris Thessaloniki vs. Lamia – Superleague Greece
  • UEFA league rank: #13
  • Table positions: #8, #14 (of 16)
  • Stakes: bottom 3 Relegated
  • Time of season: middle

Lamia are a fair bit better than the bottom two teams. They are one of three teams realistically trying to stay out of the last Relegation slot. That said, the fourth-to-last place team will play the 4th-place D2 team for the right to play Superleague next year. Lamia can’t score worth a darn, are likely to stay right where they are.

Noob doesn’t think they can even compete for a draw today. Thessaloniki score twice as much, are just as good on D.

RESULT:   Thess   1-0

Image result for Lamia football

 

 

 

Aaaaand stab yourself in the head.

7. Alki Oroklinis vs. AEL Limassol – Cyprus Premier
  • UEFA league rank: #18
  • Table positions: #9, #3 (of 12)
  • Stakes: bottom half do Relegation playoff
  • Time of season: middle

Worst offense and defense in the league. How A.O. are higher in the table than three clubs is beyond Noob. They’ll be doing well to keep this to a one-goal loss against the #3 side.

Fun Fact:   The team owner re-named the club after a fave of his that had just gone bankrupt and dissolved.   What the cuss?

RESULT:   AEL L   1-3

8. Hapoel Tel Aviv vs. Maccabi Tel Aviv – Israel Premier
  • UEFA league ranking: #27
  • Table positions: #12, #1 (of 14)
  • Stakes: bottom 8 do Relegation playoffs
  • Time of season: middle

Side note: This league has dropped a tied-for-worst nine notches in the European rankings this last year.

HTA aren’t likely to escape the Relegation playoffs at season’s end. Their small-ball ways aren’t working out. Ten draws in 17 matches have kept them from the table’s very bottom. And MTA are going to put up with none of their nonsense. Undefeated, best offense and defense in the league.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for hapoel tel aviv funny

 

We’re not taking you seriously with those stretches, HTA.

Get a Peloton for warmups.   Something.

9. Glacis United vs. Boca Juniors – Gibraltar Premier
  • UEFA league ranking:          #51
  • Table positions:                     #7, #9 (of 10)
  • Stakes:                                        last place gets Relegated
  • Time of season:                      middle

#51 of 55 leagues? Hey, it’s a rock with about the pop. of Ames, Iowa and they’re not #55. Noob’s actually more impressed that they even have a Second Division to which a team can be sent down.

The 9th-place finisher will have a playoff with the #B from the second tier. I’d say their offense is the worst thing ever, but last place-Lions only have two goals on the entire season to Juniors’ six. Truth be told, Glacis aren’t light years better, but at least they’re not giving up buckets of goals.

Fun Fact:   Argentinian Boca Juniors called and they’d like their name back.  Like, now.

RESULT:   Glacis   6-1

10. Red Star vs. Lens – Ligue 2, France
  • UEFA league ranking: n/a, second-tier league
  • Table positions: last, #5
  • Stakes: bottom 3 get Relegated
  • Time of season: middle

Two other league clubs are as poor on defense as Red Star, but those play a little to a lot more offense. Red Star might climb to 19th over no-goals Nancy, but won’t get higher.

Lens are well-enough balanced to stay in the top five and participate in the Promotion Playoffs later, if not so good as to be a threat to the top two and get automatically moved up.

RESULT:   1-0

Image result for saint-ouen flea market huge

 

So long from Saint-Ouen (greater Paris), home of Red Star FC.

HUGE flea market, but is super-“professional”.

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday – the matches of Suckitude

Soccer scheds far and wide tend to run a little lighter right after the weekend.  Natch.

We here at Noob take advantage by taking you on a journey of Suckitude!  Embrace the darkness of a Monday.  Let’s get to know some teams on the edge of getting Relegated from their leagues.

Or will we see Monday Miracles?

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Houston Dynamo – Major League Soccer

Houston is about to put a wrap on their season.  They just won the U.S. Open Cup.  But they’re in 10th here in the West, need a win to stay even mathematically alive for a postseason berth (top six from each conference get in).

Noob’s hoping they can manage exactly that!   When the opponent is Seattle, Noob will root for almost any team.  Little would please Noob more than to see the Sounders just lose and lose until they drop from 5th to out of the playoffs.

Noobites, I can’t ask you to join me on this journey of scorn.  The first hardcore soccer fan I met long ago was a college T.A. of mine.  A bandwagon-jumping Seattle fan with no connection to the area.  I love to imagine his sad face when woe comes to his team.   (10:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Seattle   4-1      Victor Romero Rodriguez with two second half goals.

B.  Cuba vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Reminder:  Two Groups of four, top two finishers advance to the Knockout State.  Top three of those four make World Cup!

Cuba is not likely to be advancing.   They lost their first match 8-0.   Good LAWD.  88th in the world gets no respect.

The Canadiaians are one of the world powers, ranked #5.   Noob handicaps this match at Canada minus, oh, 15.   Unless a lot of Cuban national team fans are showing up to Edinburgh, Texas to turn it into a home-match feel.   (8:30 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Canadia   0-12        not a typo.   really.

Image result for Canadian alphabet

 

 

Number B, a literary star the world over.

B is for bear, and bacon.  So much the bacon.

  1. Cork City vs. Bohemian FC – FAI Cup (Ireland)

The Irish FA Cup semifinal!   Winners gets runaway league champion Dundalk for the Cup.

Cork City won the 2017 league title and finished #B this year.   They’ll present a nice, clean changing facility and some lovely parting gifts to midtable Bohemian before whomping them by a goal or two.

RESULT:   Cork    2-1         On to the Final!

  1. Once Caldas vs. Leones – Colombia Primera A

Let’s move through the Sadness Soccer in order of likelihood of an upset, least to most.

Leones are last in the current league season and in the multi-year aggregate Relegation table.  They’re the only club that averages less than a point in the table earned per match.  They’re getting Booted to Primera B, if B will even have them.

Once Caldas are just a point out of 1st place currently.  Noob think’s favoring them by a goal and a half is generous.  To Leones.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for magnanimous funny

 

 

You’re darn right Noob is.

  1. Guayaquil City vs. Deportivo Cuenca – Ecuador Serie A

Seven goals in 12 matches.   Is Quayquil even trying?   Really, they need not.  Last in their stage and the season’s aggregate table.  To avoid Relegation, they have to leapfrog two teams.  The second one is 14 points ahead of them.  Quayaquil has only scored seven points this entire Stage.

Cuenca are below average themselves, so this might be one of GC’s few chances to get a full-fledged win, being at home today.   (8:15 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   1-1

Fun Fact:  The second time Europeans went to loot Quayaquil, they had to suddenly quit the expedition when a yellow fever epidemic broke out.

  1. Fluminense vs. Parana Clube – Brazil Serie A

Only one team in the league hasn’t scored twice as many goals as Parana, and that club misses that mark by just two scores.  The bottom four get kicked out of this league, and Parana are ten points behind second-to-last place.

They’re not just getting Relegated.  They’re going to get forced to all retire, take up Tiddlywinks.

Fluminense are utterly average, and that’s good enough to expect them to coast to a two-goal win today.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Fluminense   4-0

Image result for tiddlywinks world championship 2018

 

 

 

World Tiddlywinks Championships.  Real.

[insert joke HERE]

 

  1. Tigre vs. Estudiantes – Argentina Primera

Argentina uses a three-season table to determine which clubs offend them most.  Tigre are second-to-last in that.  But so far this early season, they’re actually playing just bad soccer, instead of their usual horrific variety.

Estudiantes are playing horrifically.  Surprising.  This is typically a midtable club.   Noob’s forced to consider this a toss-up at worst for Tigre!   (6:00 PM, TyC International)

RESULT:   Tigre   1-0

Fun Fact:  The team no longer plays in the actual town of Tigre, bur rather in Victoria, Buenos Aires.

  1. Nittaidai vs. NTV Beleza – Japan Nadeshiko 1

In Japan’s top women’s league – one of the world’s strongest – they automatically Relegate just one team.  But the next team up the table will have to play in a Relegation Playoff with a second-tier team for the right to play N1 next year.

Nittaidai are in that latter position.  The season is young, but it appears there will be a big gap between the bottom three teams and everyone else.  Noob makes no prediction on which wins this game of Melancholy Musical Chairs and survives.  They’re all equally crappy.

Oh, and Beleza win the league every year of late and should beat them by 2-3 in their own house.  Wheeee!

RESULT:   Beleza   0-4

Image result for nittaidai fc

“Yay – successful huddle!”

  1. Botosani vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

This is one of the European leagues that separates into Championship and Relegation subdivisions later in the season.  Just under a dozen matches in, it appears these two aren’t among the top candidates to actually get Relegated.  But they’re not far above them (11th and 12th of 14).

Both can actually score about as well as low-end midtable teams.  But they defend like wet papier-mache.

Not Exactly a “Fun” Fact:   The stand Dinamo’s ultras use is named after Catalan Hildan, a player who died at age 24.

RESULT:   Botosani   2-0         Maybe the tiniest of Miracles!

  1. Hapoel Tel Aviv vs. Ashdod – Israel Premier

We finish the Track with the least likely Relegation candidates that still qualify for today.   These two are two pretty average clubs that currently fall just below that Championship/Relegation line, same as Romania has.

HTA look to be trying to make every game 0-0.  It’s not an uncommon strategy for teams like them that were just Promoted, but that style of play rarely holds up over a whole season.

Ashdod don’t score much more.  Noob thinks they’re more likely to drop then climb into the top half and avoid danger.  This may be the Suckitudiest match of all, as Noob looks for it to be 0-0.

RESULT:   0-0       Ding!

Image result for hapoel tel aviv funny

 

 

 

Heavens!  Is that Hapoel’s junk just fallen clean off and sitting there IN the crest?