Tag: Horsens

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – embrace the suckitude!

Start your work week by coddling, embracing the darkness of Monday.

Here are eight Matches of Suckitude, each featuring at least one club on the verge of getting booted out of their current league for poorest of performance.

But first, two matches of happier import —

  1. Braga vs. Sporting CP – Portugal Primeira Liga

Last year, this league was a four-team race.  These two came in 4th and 3rd.   It’s too early in the new season to draw hard conclusions, but they’re in the same positions now (well, reversed).

Watch this season to see if Sporting can get their offense up or Braga can shore up their D a touch.  Otherwise, they’ll likely stay where they were and are.   (3:15 PM EST, GOL TV)

RESULT:   Braga   1-0

B.  Verdes vs. Police United – Belize Premier

It’s time to get CONCACAFfeinated!    Noob does not care that that term may not necessarily be of his own invention (no idea) or that it may never catch on.   I’m increasing my focus on our federation, world region, and that’s that.   We’re going to know our neighbors.

The season is just a few matches in here, but it may not be too early to say that Verdes are one of only two clubs looking like they can win the title.  They’re #1 currently.  Police are part of a three-way tie for 3rd. But particularly on the road Noob would call a win by the visitors today a severe upset.

RESULT:   Verdes   3-0

Image result for letter B belize

Number B is for “Baboon Sanctuary” as well as “Belize”.

And now, the Matches of Suckitude!

  1. Krylya Sovetov Samara vs. Krasnodar – Russia Premier

Hey, they’re the 6th-ranked league in UEFA.  Russian gets prime slotting in the Track.  Get used it.  They’ll be 6th when the 2019 rankings start getting used, too.

So let’s learn some Russian!  Class, “Krylya Sovetov” means “crappy Soviet footsball”.  Repeat!

OK, that was a fib, a falsehood.  Noob confesses it before The Management has to interrupt, chastise me.  I think it means “wings”.  Given that one of their nicknames is “the feathers”, Noob feels confidence.

But they are crappy.  They just got Promoted, and they’re so far down the table it looks like at best they’ll have to play in a Relegation Playoff at season’s end to try and stay up.  They’ve scored all of two times in seven matches – league worst.  And if that’s because they’re trying to pack it in on defense – it ain’t workin’.

#4 Krasnodar will beat them by 1-2 goals in their own house today.

RESULT:   Krasnodar   0-3

  1. Vasco da Gama vs. Bahia – Brazil Serie A

We saw a lot of Bahia on Relegation Mondays last year.  They’re near the bottom now, too, but above the Cutline.

Vasco da Gama are the reason this matchup makes the Track.  They’re in third-to-last place, and four get Relegated when all’s said and done.  They just got off a four-match losing streak with a draw last time out.  But their offense – average for the league on the season – has very much disappeared of late.

Noob thinks VdG can hold down the fort against their visitors today, who are only two spots higher in the table.

RESULT:   VdG   2-1

Image result for vasco de gama fc funny

 

 

 

Quit stealing Noob’s schtick, historical Vasco de Gama!

  1. Guabira vs. Universitario – Bolivia Primera

Only one team will be automatically Booted out of this league, and that’s Universitario.  They finished last in the Apertura (first half-season), and sit firmly at the bottom now in the Clausura.  Noob thinks they must be allergic to the goal netting.  Sure don’t seem to like to defend their own.

If this were at the U., Noob might consider the match an even one.  Guabira are average statistically and don’t seem to win tight matches.  As things are, they’re a goal favorite for me on their own pitch.

You Make the Sad Panda Sad-Fact:   U. haven’t won either half-season tournament since 2014.

RESULT:   Guabira   2-0

  1. Tecnico Universitario vs. Universidad Catolica – Ecuador Serie A

They’re halfway through the Clausura in Ecuador.  Friends, Tecnico isn’t at the bottom of the year’s aggregate table, but two get kicked out soon and T.U. will absolutely be gone.

Strangely, a miracle run could conceivably and surprisingly begin today.  After a 3rd-place Apertura finish for this traditional power, they’re near the very bottom now in the Clausura.  Their defense was never A+, and now they’re goal-scoring as absolutely bottomed out.

RESULT:   Catolica   4-5    not a typo

Image result for tecnico universitario funny

 

I think this translates to “PBR me ASAP”.

 

(Related to Ecuadorian football?  Almost certainly not.   Noob’s give-a-crap factor? Zippo!)

  1. Odense vs. Horsens – Denmark Superliga

The league will eventually split into Championship and Relegation subdivisions.  Were that to happen today (very prematurely), Horsens would be in the bottom one.  They’re in 8th of 14.  But they won’t climb higher if they don’t improve on their league-worst offense.

Well, tied for league worst.  With second-to-last place Odense, among others.

Fun Fact:   Odense’s original home was a town that translates to “Monks bog”.

RESULT:   Odense   4-0       It’s a minor Monday miracle!

  1. Lillestrom vs. Tromso – Norway Eliteserien

You know what’s about to get Relegated?  My Windows touch keyboard feature.  I can make eight different o’s with just two clicks.  But unless the O with a slash through it is actually closer to some other later (seems doubtful), Noob cannot with ease make that one.

So just so Noobites no, Lillestrom’s would have the slash, and so would the last letter of Tromso.  Glad we could clear that up.

Oh yeah, um, and Lillestrom stinks.  Second-to-last.  Second division-bound.  Tromso is average.  Like my Windows touch keyboard on a good day.

RESULT:   Lillestrom   1-0

Image result for blame bill gates funny

 

 

Yes, young Bill Gates.  Not providing an easy Scandinavian O was criminal.

  1. Bali United Pusam vs. PS TIRA – Indonesia Liga 1

We Tracked a top Indonesian matchup yesterday and it had a late, dramatic finish.  So let’s go to the well again, but on the other end of the table.

PS TIRA are the only team in this league giving up more than to goals per match.  That’s heinous.  Their offensive capability gives them a modicum of hope.  They’re just a couple points from daylight, though they must leapfrog two teams to stay in Liga I.

B.U.P. are in a four-way tie for 3rd.  With their win yesterday, Bandung opened up their lead on the pack, but not by so much that the hosts will fall asleep today.  Especially in goal, their strength.

Fun Fact:  PS TIRA’s history goes back to the merger of a military club and one other.  Hence, they are “The Young Warriors”.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Wadi Degla vs. ENPPI – Egypt Premier

We finish our matches of melancholy, our soccer of suckitude, our football of…I don’t know.  The hour is late for Noob!—in the home of last place Wadi Degla.

In fairness, they’ve played 1-2 fewer matches than their peers.   And since it’s pretty early in the season, it’s fair to assume that they might only be just as bad as the three teams tied in the table right above them.

But no excuses!  Last is last, and you will feel the Tracking of the Monday for it.  Whatever that means.  Just score once in a while.  It’ll help.  You’ve eschewed the idea to date, and the strategy has been subpar.

ENPPI need to shore up their own D some, but play more than enough offense to call their 15th-place table position temporary.  They won’t compete for the league title, but they’ll climb plenty.   Probably starting today.

RESULT:   ENPPI   1-2

Image result for Wadi Degla

 

 

 

So long from the Wadi Degla canyon area, 12 k long, SE of the Cairo suburb of Maadi!

’10 to Track” soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/21) – the suckitude returns!

It’s a Relegation mashup today!   When the schedules are light on Mondays, we here embrace the pain of, get to know and celebrate teams in position to get Demoted.

Today, there are several matches of happier importance as well, so enjoy the remix of sorts.

  1. Montreal Impact vs. LA Galaxy – MLS

It may be just the Eastern Conference 10th place side versus #9 in the West, but it’s the only major game in the U.S. today!

For the rawest Noobites, the name to know for this game is Galaxy forward Zlatan Ibrahimovic.  He’s a Swedish national who was once perhaps the greatest player in the world.  He still thinks of himself as such, and that makes him super-fun.

And we should get a chance to see Zlatan – and others – score plenty.  Montreal are so bad in their own end, I wonder if they would even try defending their mother’s honor.   (3:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   L.A.   0-1    This, despite Zlatan getting a red card for slapping an opposing player in the side of the head.  The Galaxy climb to 7th.

Image result for ladies love zlatan

 

 

Zlatan is ready to attack or defend against whatever.

B.  Dundalk vs. Waterford – League of Ireland Premier

After a middling season last year, Waterford have had a magical stay near top of the table in 2018.  But they are fading.  Still 3rd-place, but they haven’t won in four straight matches now.

Dundalk are trending the other way, leading the league by two points in the standings.  They’ve scored 11 goals in their last four matches (including a League Cup game).

RESULT:   Dundalk   2-0

Image result for irish letter B

 

 

A bit cliche, Number B. 

But you do wear the hat well.

  1. Derry City vs. Bray Wanderers – League of Ireland Premier

Bray are mired so deeply in last place, they can’t even see the sun.  But they did defeat #5 Derry 2-1 in their most recent meeting!  Derry scores in droves, but can’t defend.  Bray can’t do either.

Fun Fact:  Bray have won the second-tier three times in club history.  (They’ve never done jack squat in Premier.)

RESULT:   Derry   2-0

  1. Brondby vs. Aalborg – Denmark Superliga

For Danish teams competing in the championship subdivision, this is the last match day.  (Relegation subdivision will have still more flailing to do.)  And the title is still up for grabs!

Brondby led all season, but have slipped to #B here at the end, trailing Midtjylland by two points in the table.  They get a very mediocre 5th-place Aalborg team that isn’t playing for anything.  But Midtjylland is hosting 6th-place Horsens and probably spanks them.

RESULT:   1-1      And so it’s congratulations to league champs Midtjylland!

Image result for soccer spanking

 

 

<—- Gratuitous soccer spanking image

  1. Randers vs. Lyngby – Denmark Superliga

Doesn’t Lyngby sounds like something one might spread over toast in the morning?  It does to Noob.  It sounds tart and delicious.  I once saw a promo on tv for a program about the history of toast.  But I didn’t watch it.  I mean, I like toast, but c’mon.

Noob?  It’s The Management.  Your doing that thing we talked about.

Unsubstantiated!   I am not wearing my Burger King King mask.  You said that commercial campaign was creepy, and I’m trying to take your word for it.  I –

No.  The other thing.

Right!  Um, Relegation match in Denmark.  Winner is the best of the worst four finishers in the league, gets to stay up.  Loser will vie with others lowbies for a while longer.

RESULT:   Randers   2-1   And so they save their own skin for another top-flight season.

  1. Poli Timisoara vs. Gaz Metan Medias – Romania Liga I

Juventus Bucaresti are already slated for demotion. Poli Timisoara sit in the other auto-Relegation slot currently.  But there are still five teams very much in the loser-mix.

GMM have actually won a few matches since the league divided into championship and relegation subdivisions, but both these teams have run hot and cold in both ends of the field for weeks now.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for timmaay

 

 

 

Fun Fact:  Big Timisoara supporter

  1. Elfsborg vs. Goteborg – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Elfsborg, what happened to your offense?  Even as a mid-table team last summer, you were prolific in that regard!  Now?  League’s worst. Third-to-last place.

Fun Fact:  Noob thinks Elfsborg isn’t even real.  Isn’t it the name of that big elf-town on LOTR?

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Pirin Blagoevgrad vs. Vitosha Bistritsa – Bulgaria First Pro League

These are the two losers from the first round of this league’s Relegation Playoffs.  The loser of this match is done, demoted to Liga II for next season.  The winner will have to win a one-off match with a designated, current Liga II team in order to stay up.

Bistritsa, we’ve hardly known ye.  They won no matches in the regular season, and just one during the Relegation subdivision group stage of the season.  They were promoted last season after finishing 3rd in the second-tier First League.

RESULT:   Bistritsa   1-2     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Image result for vitosha bistritsa watercourse

Fun Fact:  Vitosha Bistritsa is the name of a waterway as well.

  1. Weiner Neustadt vs. Wacker Innsbruck – Austria First League

Congrats, Wacker Innsbruck, you’ve clinched a top-two finish and promotion to your nation’s Bundesliga!  How will you celebrate today?

“With the Weiner-Wacker derby.”

Damn right you will!

RESULT:   Neustadt   1-0

  1. Qabala vs. Qarabag – Kazakhstan Premier

Way to go, Qarabag!  They’ve run away with the league title this year.  Qarabag are #B and have clinched a top-four finish and berth to the next Europa League.  So little is on the line here.

But Noob cannot resist the allure of #1 versus #B.  I don’t even try.

RESULT:   Qarabag   0-1

Image result for kazakhstan potassium mining

 

So long from Kazakhstan! 

Still an awesome exporter of potassium.