Tag: NBCSN

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (9/1) – and working on a theme song

“Soccer Noob rockin Amuricuuuhhh! /

Mini-previews!  *clap clap* /

Insight!  *clap clapclap* /

O.K.notreallythatsecondwuuhhhhn!   /  *crickets*

Soccernoob rockin’ Amur-I-CUHHH!”

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. Sporting Kansas City – Major League Soccer

Really, Track match No. 1 is all MLS.   This might be the most intriguing matchup, but all but two slated for today met Noob’s standards of high interest.  Good you up some ‘Muricuhn action today, Noobites.

Those goldurn Sounders Noob reviles so have won seven straight.  The first half of their season was so pitiful that this now has them in just a tie for the last Playoff berth (6th) in the Western Conference. They Haven’t allowed multiple goals in a match since their last loss.  On June 30th.

Tenured-Noobites will recall that Noob’s first exposure to a hardcore ‘Muricuhn soccer fan was a douchebag TA in college who was a bandwagon-jumping Seattle supporter.   And I’d still be rooting alongside The Management for KC today, given his ties to that area.  But the Sounders’ turnaround has been simply epic.  Much respect.

Sporting could do absolutely nothing right in July.  Noob would’ve best against them hosting mid-table FC Seoul (picked as a nod to The Management’s current business trip).   But now they’ve won four in a row themselves, are only a point or two from retaking 1st place back from FC Dallas.  They haven’t allowed ANY goals over that stretch.

This match might be a defensive slugfest.   But it’s going to be more than worth the view.  4:00 PM EST today online with ESPN+ or broadcast on Univision Deportes.

RESULT:   Seattle   3-1       So much for defense.  KC scored at 2′, though it was all Sounders after that.

B.  Cincinatti vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds – United Soccer League

Yup.  We’re shifting to a second-division matchup instead of a second MLS one.  We’ll spread our love through multiple leagues.

And it is a doozy.  Cinci has all but wrapped up the Eastern Conference.  No surprise, as they’re making the move to MLS next year.

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh is in a tie for #B!   Noob adds the exclamation point because they’ve flown under my radar all year.   They were near the very bottom of the standings last season.  They couldn’t score then, and they don’t do much of it now.  But they’ve conceded just 14 goals all season.  To quote Tom Cruise from “The Firm”, “It’s not sexy, but it’s got teeth.”

You know, I never found that line quite so disturbing as I do now.  Must be seeing it written.

RESULT:   Cinci   2-1      But Pitt made them work for it.   FCC got it’s two goals in the last 10 minutes of regular time.

Image result for tom Cruise weird

 

Cruise without teeth.

Good LAWD.   This was an error in judgement.

Should’ve put in a Number B-image.

  1. Leon vs. UNAM Pumas – Liga MX

One of the radio hosts I listen to regularly pronounces the “MX” letters as they would be in Spanish.

We’re in Amuricuh.  We can say just “em. ecks.”   It’ll be fine.

(tied-for-8th versus tied-for-5th)  (8:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Pumas   1-2         Felipe Mora with a pair of goals

  1. Chelsea vs. AFC Bournemouth – English Premier League

Leicester City hosting Liverpool might have a shade more cache, but Noob’s giving the edge to his Fighting Cherries!  Given that they’re one of the three matches being given stateside TV coverage (10:00 AM, NBCSN).

Chelsea have been electric on offense in their first three matches, winning them all.  Bournemouth should’ve beaten Everton to get a third win, too, after they’d gone a man up.  My guys will do well to get a draw at one of the mammoth-budgeted teams grounds today.

RESULT:   Chelsea   2-0       Noob has read and heard some are encouraged by AFCB’s keeping the match scoreless most of the way.  I say you’ll rarely if ever get a result possessing the ball just 27% of the game.  Oy veh.

Image result for aFC bournemouth funny

 

Guys!   I’m pretty sure “standing on one’s head” is an expression regarding goalies.

Noob is worried.

  1. Washington Spirit vs. Sky Blue – National Women’s Soccer League

Four of the eight teams make the postseason.  These two have been out of the running all summer.  So why Track it?   It’s the only domestic top-flite ladies’ match today.  Also, Sky Blue is running out of chances to get their first win of the season.  This may be as close as they get.

RESULT:      ppd

  1. France vs. Mexico – international women’s friendly

France are the host country for the 2019 women’s World Cup, so they’re not having to play in the UEFA qualifying tournament.  Mexico needs the tuneup before they enter at the final stage of the CONCACAF qualifying event going on now.

They are ranked #3 and #25, respectively, by FIFA.  (3:00 PM, TV5MONDE)

RESULT:   France   4-0       Eugenie Le Sommer with two goals in the second half

Image result for waiting gif

 

They must wait, Inigo.  

We must all wait sometimes.

  1. Iceland vs. Germany – UEFA women’s World Cup qualification

Germany are #3 in FIFA and ranked #1 in Europe.  Yet they trail Iceland by a point in their Group table with just two matches left to play.  Only the winners automatically qualify, and only about half the runners-up will get to vie for one last berth in their own mini-tournament.

Iceland are only ranked 29th in the world.  But they upset Germany on the road 2-3 in the first match they played of this double-round robin.   Germany must get at least a draw today, or they could be sitting at home for WC 2019.

RESULT:   Germany   0-2       Svenja Huth with two scores

  1. Slavia Prague vs. Viktoria Plzen – Czech First League

I was just reading up today on the 80’s-90’s new jack swing group ‘Wreckx-n-Effect”.  Checking oneself before the possibility of wrecking oneself comes recommended, by them and Noob both.  Safety first.

What I did not know was that the group’s name originally was not spelled with an X in it.  That was only added after one of their members was shot, symbolic of his absence.

(League #1 versus #2)

RESULT:   Slavia Prague   4-0      S.P. take over 1st now on GD.   Tomas Soucek scored twice.  Plzen had a tough go of it after going down to ten men in the 1st half (red card).

Image result for wreckx n effect

 

 

 

Rest in Power, Brandon Mitchell.

  1. Consadole Sapporo vs. Vissel Kobe – Japan J1 League

4th versus 5th doesn’t quite match Noob’s criterion coming out of an 18-team league.   But The Management must be appeased.  Since he’s a Japanophile, Match Nine is a sop to him.

Only the top three from Japan make the AFC Champions League.  With the season 2/3 over, this isn’t quite and elimination match, but both sides will likely play like it’s one.  And they should.

Neither has quite the defense to match up properly with the top three teams, yet Noob thinks both teams will be tight and we’ll have a low-scoring affair here today.

RESULT:   Sapporo   3-1      Kobe lost a player to a red card right at the half.

  1. Metz vs. Lens – France Ligue 2

At time of scouting, this was a 1-2 matchup.  But Niort just climbed to #B in the table as Noob was writing, so it’s #1 versus #3. But Niort have played one or two more games than these clubs, so they’re cheaters and we’re Tracking this. ?

I thought about going back and featuring Columbus vs. NYCFC.  But variety is the spice of life.  And since there’s spice, we’re letting the French cook.  Not Ohioans.

Last season in Ligue 1, an attacking side of The Management, Dan the former Intern-o Inferno and I could’ve scored on Metz.  And so they finished last and were unceremoniously Relegated.  Lens were a bottom-feeder in this league, but stayed afloat with enough draws.

And look at them now!  Metz says they’re ready to go right back up, are 5-0-0, scoring at will.    Lenz have yet to let anyone score on them.  Viva la France!  Top three will all get automatically Promoted to Ligue 1 at season’s end.

RESULT:   Metz   2-0      It’s a Track full of red cards!   Lens lost a man mid-first half.

Image result for cathedrale st etienne metz stained glass

So long from Metz, Lorraine!

Cathedrale St. Etienne – home of perhaps the world’s broadest stained glass collection.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (8/26) – the best of footyball, home and abroad!

Noob tends to get more than a bit silly covering and learning about soccer.

Noobstradamus, in-house prognosticator.  Always fighting with The Management.  Screaming about Tottenham Hotspur being named for an historic traitor.  Lamenting teams from cities built on Swamps.  The quest to displace Number Two with Number B in all lists…

But weekends, things get (comparatively) serious.   End your weekend relishing in the umami-like rich goodness of Sunday’s mini-previews.  You’ll laugh a little, you’ll learn more.

Please considered following Noob on twitter: SoccerNoobUSA.com, and remmeber to check back for match results.

  1. Portland Timbers vs. Seattle Sounders – Major League Soccer

Rivalry Week has saved one of it’s heartiest hate-matches for last.  On top of the intra-regional malice, there’s a lot at stake.

Six from each conference make the Playoffs.  Right now, Portland sits in 6th, just two points up on Seattle.

Please, Timbers, turn things around!  Long-tenured Noobites may recall that my first ever experience with a hardcore soccer fan was a college TA/Sounders bandwagon jumper.  I want that wagon to fall off a cliff!  Noob may not be stable or normal, but I am consistent and sincere.

The problem is, Seattle’s been playing extraordinary ball for two months, not having lost a match since late June.  No one’s scored twice on them over this period. Portland, meanwhile, has lost three straight games.  Two of those were against teams not likely to make the Playoffs themselves.  Timbers have conceded nine goals in those matches.

If Portland are to do as they should, they’ve got to get the heart of their defense right.  International centerback Larrys Mabiala has been épouvantable, while goalkeeper Jeff Attinella has been just as abysmal.   (9:30 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   Seattle   0-1

Image result for larrys Mabiala funny

 

Larry’s started believing he’s Keanu Reeves in “The Matrix”.

May be the issue.

B.  New York Red Bulls vs. D.C. United – Major League Soccer

English all-time great Wayne Rooney has been everything D.C. could’ve dreamt.  Since he’s arrived midseason, they’ve won five, drawn one, and lost no matches.  They’re still six points out of the six and final Playoff slot in the East, but are now 8th.  Given that they were in the basement for the entire first half of the season, that’s incredible.

The Red Bulls were playing like the league’s best team midsummer.  And they haven’t lost in their last four outings.  And they’re still #B in the conference.  Still, are they fading a tiny bit?  Road draws against NYCFC and non-playoff Vancouver are okay.  A workmanlike road win against awful Chicago is good enough, just.  A close home win over good-but-fading-themselves LAFC…

Maybe it’s just the road being hard.  Yes, Noob’s imagining NYRB’s imminent demise.   (7:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   NYRB   1-0

Image result for imagine letter BNumber B, doing some messed up reimagining of self.

Is it not enough to merely be usurping Number Two’s place?

  1. Newcastle vs. Chelsea – English Premier League

Last season, Newcastle surprised with a 10th-place finish, having just been Promoted from the second division.   But they’ve followed up on that so far.  A loss Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – even at home – is clearly forgivable.  The home, scoreless draw to just-Promoted Cardiff is less so.

Chelsea have won their first two against pedestrian competition.  After a disappointing 5th-place finish in defense of their previous league title, they won’t be sleeping on anyone.  Missing out on Champions League (top four get invites) will have that effect.   (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Chelsea   1-2

  1. Santos vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

What a gigante match!  #3 hosts the only undefeated remaining and #1.  They’ve scored 22 goals in their six matches.  This doesn’t guarantee a shootout though.  Cruz Azul have only allowed one.   (7:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for giant soccer ball

 

 

Gigante!!

Hey, no hands.   I don’t see you in-net.

  1. Cray Valley Paper Mills vs. Ashford Town – English FA Cup

It’s not so much that this individual math is “important” that it’s neat to know that the FA Cup has already begun.  The big-league clubs won’t enter the competition for some time.

In truth, teams from this far down the football pyramid are unlikely to get anywhere near the Round where the Premier League clubs start playing.  But who knows, maybe we’ll have a history-making Minnow!

CVPM play out of the 9th-tier Southern Counties East League (formerly known as “Kent League”), in which they finished 6th in the higher of its two divisions.  They’re from Eltham, which is in the Greenwich Borough (southeast greater London).

Ashford town finished 12th in the 8th-tier Southern League Division One last season.  This year, they’ve made a lateral move to the Isthmian League.  They’re from Stanwell – just northeast of greater London – in the Surrey area of Spelthorne Borough.

RESULT:   Cray Valley   4-1

  1. Marseille vs. Rennes – Ligue 1

The French top league is already three matches into their season, but this is the first one that’s featured two teams from the top quarter of last season’s table.  These two finished in 4th and 5th, meaning they were the best two to not get invites to Champions League.

At least Marseille only missed the CL berth by a point in the table.  There was a massive gulf in the table between them and Rennes.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for you are not invited

 

 

Would it make a difference if Noob and Rennes brought delicious scones?

 

  1. Jamaica vs. Antigua and Barbuda – women’s World Cup qualification (CONCACAF)

Reminder:  This is also the women’s CONCACAF Championship, doubling as qualification for next year’s WC.

This is the second round of Group Stage.  To get here, each had to win their previous group.   FIFA-ranked #133 A&B didn’t allow a goal in the previous stage’s three matches, but only scored five themselves.  #71 Jamaica, meanwhile, had a GD of 18-2.  Home team by a couple goals today, easily.

RESULT:   Jamaica   9-0         not a typo

  1. Dorados de Sinaloa vs. Correcaminos UAT – Ascenso MX

Welcome to the Track, Mexican second division!   Noob’s making a concerted effort to stay closer to home, with more CONCACAF/Western Hemisphere/North Amuricuhn matches than ever before.

Sinaloa are in 12th of 15 teams this Apertura (first-half season).  UAT are in 8th.   Noob sources are conflicted as to whether seven or eight team will qualify for the postseason Liguila, but either way, Correcaminos are right on that line.

Los Dorados have yet to win a match, but it’s early.  Noob thinks they will get a result at home today.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for welcome and fuck off

 

 

Yes, um, it’s Ascenso league coverage.

Do what now?

  1. Club Brugge vs. Anderlecht – Belgium First Division A

Club Brugge more or less ran away and hid from the pack over the regular season.  When it came time to play the last 10 matches in a Championship division, they fell back to earth a little, but still win the title.

Anderlecht went from second to third over that same stretch, seemingly having hit a wall, finishing those last ten matches with a negative GD even.  If they want to have a shot of their own at the hardware, they’ll have to have improved defense in 2018-19.  The were easily the worst in that regard of all the top clubs, and didn’t have offense that made up for it.

RESULT:   Brugge   2-1

  1. Qarabag vs. Neftchi – Azerbaijan Premier

We finish today’s Track in UEFA’s #23-ranked league.  Like most other European domestic leagues, they’re just getting started.

If you don’t already, get to know the name Qarabag.  They are the perennial power in here, easily the favorite to once again decimate all before them and get the league’s one CL berth.  Their offense is good.  They’re defense was about impenetrable.  They conceded less than a goal every other game on average last season.  Neftchi was 3rd.

RESULT:   1-1

 

So long from Baku, home of Qarabag!

Is that a Death Star they’re building or a seven-star hotel?

(Both!)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (8/12) – MLS, EPL, Liga MX, Soooooper Cups!

Look, Noob is all about full disclosure.   I admit it.  Things got a little weird yesterday previewing matches.  Yelling about Hotspur’s traitorous namesake.  Predicting a terrible fate for Orlando, the city, since it’s built on a swamp.  Re-publishing weeeird Japanese soccer photo…

Today will be SO different.  All serious as we ogle the ten most important matches to follow for us, the new American fans of the global game.  Honest.

*snicker*

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. FC Dallas – Major League Soccer

After losing to Toronto in last season’s Playoffs, Seattle have looked anything but themselves.  Now, at least, a four-match winning streak has them within shouting distance (8th in the Western Conference) of the postseason (top six from each conference get in).  Their defense has always seemed pretty okay.  They’ve finally found their stride on offense.

Dallas are not only #1 in the West, they’ve built a five-point cushion in the standings over #B Portland.  This, despite their stunning 1-3 loss to San Jose.  Noob doesn’t care if it was a road match for FCD.  That’s horrible.

If Seattle want to continue to make a push, they need to keep getting goals from the midfield.  Forward Will Bruin has largely tried carrying the load all season, but help has got to keep coming from behind him as it has the last week.

Of course, since the first soccer fan Noob ever knew was a Sounders fan and an utter putz, I will not be pulling for this to happen.  Will Bruin must be left to struggle on his island!   (10:00 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   Seattle   2-1     Sounders are still in 8th, but now within three points of 6th place and the West’s final Playoff slot.

B.  UANL Pumas vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Pachucha finished 9th in the last Clausura (second half-season), just missing the Liguilla (postseason tournament).  They played nearly the league’s worst defense, so if they can shore that up just a little without sacrificing goal-scoring, they can get above the line.

Pumas were 7th, not tons better on defense.  This could be a real shootout.  Find out at 5:00 PM on Univision Deportes.

RESULT:   0-0     So much for a shootout

Image result for letter B explore

 

 

Number B, that’s so random.

 

You really get me, don’t you.

  1. Arsenal vs. Manchester City – English Premier League

Only the rawest of Noobites should be without a sense of Man City.  Record-breaking 2017-18, crushing the league.

Arsenal were 6th, and won’t do better this year unless they start stopping goals like the biggest boys in this league.  They allowed about a third again as many as their peers.  This is the first match of the season for both clubs.   (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Man City   0-2

  1. Eintracht Frankfurt vs. Bayern Munich – Germany Super Cup

Speaking of teams that crushed their leagues, will anyone be able to hold a candle to Bayern this year?  They were nearly every bit as dominant as Man City in England was.  Frankfurt won the nation’s FA Cup to earn their spot here, despite finishing just 8th in the league.  They play hosts today.

Like most Super Cups, this is a glorified friendly to kick off the impending league season. Soooooper!  Except that it doesn’t count.   (2:30 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Bayern   0-5

Image result for super soccer

 

 

 

Get ready for all manner of super-ness.

  1. Barcelona vs. Sevilla – Spanish Super Cup

Same as above, almost.  Barcelona cruised to their 2017-18 La Liga title, and won the FA Cup there as well.  They get a Copa final rematch against Sevilla, who finished 7th in the league.  They played literally just half the offense and defense of Barcelona.  Ouch.  This one gets played at Moroccan club IR Tanger’s new stadium.   (4:00 PM, ESPNEWS)

RESULT:   Barca   2-1

  1. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

Last year, Herediano won both the Apertura and Clausura half-seasons.  They’re an absolute beast on defense.  Both times, Saprissa was #B, and for the latter they were separated by just one point in the table.

Costa Rica and the U.S. top leagues are simply the two best in the CONCACAF region, after Mexico.   And THAT calls for musical interlude.

RESULT:   Saprissa   1-0

  1. Rijeka vs. Hajduk Split – Croatia First League

Croatia is on the mind of soccer fans the world over after their amazing run to the final in the World Cup.  Their league is rated in the top third of Europe (#16).

Last year, it was a three-horse race, and these two lost out do Dinamo Zagreb for the title and league’s only Champions League slot.  Rijeka were statistically the best team of them all, but a whopping ten draws left them short.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Alianza vs. Santa Tecla – El Slavador Premier

Noob’s tired of fighting the typo, going to embrace it instead.  Ehhhl Sllllllllavadoooohhhhr!

Alianza won both the Apertura and Clausura tournaments last year.  Santa Tecla was #B both times.  The race was much closer in the Clausura.  In fact, they had the better goal differential.  This league, too, is just getting its new season underway.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for El Slavador

 

 

 

If “El Slavador” is good enough for the CIA, it’s good enough for Noob.

  1. Luzern vs. Young Boys of Bern – Swiss Super League

The table was clearly stratified by the end of 2017-18 here.  YBB won the league by 15 points.  Luzern were 15 behind the #B club.  Today’s hosts can compete again for a Europa League berth.  But if they want a shot at the CL, they need buckets more goals than last year.

RESULT:   YBB   2-3

  1. Molde vs. Brann – Norway Eliteserien

In northern Europe, they’re over halfway through their league seasons.  Brann have only lost one match, but five draws have meant the title is anything but decided.

Molde have all the shiny stats to look like they should be competing even more closely for the title.  But their five losses are the most of any realistic contenders.  At eight points behind in the table, this home match is must-win for The Fighting Sea Char.

The Management:   Is that a kind of slamon?  What an awful nickname.  Good thing you just made it up, asshat.

The sllllllamon of El Sllllllllavahdoooooohhr!

The Management:  Rrrriiiight…

RESULT:   Molde   5-1

Image result for Molde Norway salmon

 

So long from Molde, Norway — home of contagious slamon!

The Management:  Where do we even start fixing you?…

’10 to Track” for Globetrotting Friday (8/10) – NWSL, Liga MX’s, and 2018-19 English Premier! lead the way

Globetrotting Friday!   Passports ready?  Wunderbar.

Since league schedules the world over tend to run a little light, Noob spends Fridays jetsetting the world over with you, ogling soccer near and in far-flung hinterlands.

Strap in tightly, and don’t forget to please follow Noob on Twitter:  @SoccerNoobUSA.  Thanks for your consideration and readership!

  1. Chicago Red Stars vs. North Carolina Courage – National Women’s Soccer League

They’re about ¾ of the way through the regular season in America’s top pro women’s league.  The top four teams will make the Playoffs.

Chicago is in tied for 5th with Utah Royals and trail Portland Thorns by just a point.  They’ve played two fewer matches than both those teams, so Red Stars are looking okay.

In fact, only the Courage have beaten Chicago since May.  If they play there starters today, Noob would still favor they by a goal, even on the road.  NC has already won the Supporters’ Shield, being sooooo far out in front in the standings.

Fun Fact:   Progress, Towers, Union, Blues, 1871,and Wind were all considered as nicknames before Red Stars win in a landslide on a fan-ballot.

RESULT:   1-1

B.  New York Red Bulls II vs. Louisville City – United Soccer League

Defending league champs Louisville are in 4th place right now in the Eastern Conference.  That’s good for a home playoff match when the Playoffs come.  NYRB reserve team trail them by just a point though.  Red Bulls II lead the league in goal-scoring by a wide margin.  Can Louisville control the pace on the road?

RESULT:   Louisville   4-6      Cameron Lancaster with three goals for the winners

Image result for B is for bullshitNumber B!  We don’t run blue here.

But Noob does wonder what’s up with the dolphin.  And in a classroom but with a graduation cap on…

  1. Monarcas Morelia vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

“How does Noob decide which league matches are worthy of Track status early in that league’s season?”

Thanks for writing in, little Billy Connelly of Springfield.  Once all clubs in a league have played five matches, Noob looks at that season’s standings.  In non-North American leagues, both teams have to be in the top quarter (top three for the smallest ones) of the table to warrant Track-consideration.  Prior to that point, Noob uses the last complete season’s standings in that same way.

“Why won’t my mommy and daddy let me sleep with them in their bed every single night?”

Little Billy, as wise as Noob is, I am hesitant to answer questions of this nature.

But since you went to the trouble!   Your mom and dad are likely cooking up meth in there.  Are they stuffing the gap under the door with towels?  If so, sneak outside some night late and see if the windows are open.

“Thanks, Mr. Noob!”

I’m here to help.  Oh, and this football matchup features last Clausura’s (second half season’s) #8 and #11 teams.  Necaxa had a great goal differential, despite missing the Liguilla (postseason tournament), but had a mind-boggling ten draws in their 17 matches.  Gotta get W’s to play for the title.   (10:00 PM EST, Univision Deportes)

Fun Fact:  Noob is a rapscallion and ne’er-do-well, a cretinous yahoo on all accounts.

RESULT:   Morelia   2-1

  1. Queretaro vs. Santos Laguna – Liga MX Femenil

For claiming to be focused on soccer close to home, Noob didn’t give the Mexican’ top women’s league much coverage in the first year of this site.  Starting to change that.

All the men’s clubs but two field a top-flite women’s team.  These two finished 10th and tied for 7th in the aggregate table last year.  But the women’s side only sends four clubs each to the postseason, so both have lots of improvement to have done.

Querataro need to up the ante on their defensive efforts in particular.  They were woeful in that department during the 2017-18 Clausura.

RESULT:   Queretaro   3-1

Image result for foghorn leghornI say-I say-I say:    Queretaro are “the White Roostahs”.   Foghorn Leghorn is the official mascot.

 

(OK, that bit was half-true)

  1. Real España vs. Tauro – CONCACAF League

The Central American and Caribbean countries of our region have their own tournament to qualify a club for the next CONCACAF Champions League.  16 teams compete for a single berth.  This is the opening round of this Bracketed event where each pair of teams play two-legged ties.

Real España are the second entrant out of Honduras.  Tauro only qualified as one of the two wildcards out of Panama.  The latter won the first leg 1-0.  R.E. should be considered a full-goal favorite at home.  So, noob expects this one to come down to away-goals tiebreaker or penalty kicks.

The winner will play Walter Ferretti out of Nicaragua in the Quarterfinals.  That team at a surprisingly tough time getting past Martinique’s Clubs Franciscain, the fourth and final entrant out of the Caribbean qualifiers.

Fun Fact:   Real España are the only club to be named Real (“royal”) by a Spanish monarch  that is not from Spain

RESULT:   1-1     And so Tauro advances on 1-2 aggregate.

  1. Manchester United vs. Leicester City – English Premier League

In many ways, this is perhaps the most important match in the world today.  The greatest league in the world (pipe down, Bundesliga fans, Noob knows the argument is valid) begins its campaign today.  This is the best match of those kicking things off there today.

Man Utd. finished #B last year, distantly so to their intracity rivals Man City.  If they want to make a move on the title, it’s their offense that will need to have been kicked up a notch.  Or two.

The big question for today’s match is whether the teams’ World Cup players will play much or at all.  Players go on holiday rather than get right back into training with their clubs after WC.  Man United may have to press guys like Pogba and Lukaku into quick action, however, as they’re already somehow facing a rash of injuries to other projected starters.   (3:00 PM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Man Utd.   2-1

Image result for newton heath

 

 

Fun Fact:  This was the founding year and crest of what is now Manchester United FC.

 

  1. Winslow United vs. Easington Sports – English FA Cup

This is the oldest recognized soccer tournament in the world.  Teams from all the way down to level 10 in Britain’s soccer pyramid can qualify to play.  This is the Extra Preliminary Round, the very first matches of the Qualifying Competition.  The “Competition Proper” won’t be considered to have begun for months, until all the professional clubs through Premier League have entered the fray.

These two have never played in FA Cup before.  Winslow United qualified out of the Spartan South Midlands Football League, level 10 in the pyramid.  Actually, they play in the First Division of that league.  The next step up in the pyramid (9) is the SSMFL’s Premier Division.  Last year, they finished 3rd of 20 teams, just missing promotion.

Easington Sports position in the English soccer world is the same.  They play in the Hellenic League, out of the First Division West, level 10.  A promotion would put them in that same league’s Premier.  Last year, they finished 3rd out of 14 clubs, also narrowly missing promotion.

The fun in FA Cups is largely considered watching out for Minnow – .underdogs from lower divisions that make runs into the Compeition Proper.  It’s unlikely one would come from this far down, so the point of Tracking them is largely just to let Noobites know that the event has even started.

Fun Fact:   To give some perspective, Winslow is a town of about 4,000.

RESULT:   1-1     In the event of a tie, the teams will have a Replay.  It will be at Easington.

  1. KI vs. HB – Faroe Islands Meistardieldin

And then lots of the fun of Globetrotting Friday is to visit places that simply don’t merit Tracking the rest of the week!

Faroe Islands’ top league just had a banner year, though even so they only climbed a notch in the UEFA domestic league rankings.  Now they’re 51st of 55.  But hey, they’re playing.

These are the only two clubs there in serious contention for the league title and country’s only Champions League berth.  KI lead by two in the table.  Statistically, these two are pretty much identical.  Very good offense, great defense.

RESULT:   HB   0-1

Image result for klaksvik faroe islands

 

 

Fun Fact:  Klaksvik – KI’s home town – is on one of the northernmost Faroe Islands.

  1. Samtredia vs. Sioni – Georgia Erovnuli Liga

Just a touch further up the European league rankings we find Georgia’s best, #46 on the continent (well, plus Eurasia).

These two teams don’t help the cause certainly.  They’re the weakest two (but hey, they’re playing!).  Kolkheti Poti is in last and in line currently for the league’s lone automatic Relegation only because they were deducted six points in the table.  Probably some sort of financial nawtiness.

Today’s featured combatants, should the remain in 8th and 9th-places, will be part of a four-team Relegation Playoff at season’s end.  They’ll battle with Liga II’s #B and #3 finishers for the right to play in the top league next season.

And Noob says “will” and not “would” because these two sad sacks aren’t going anywhere, waaaay down the table from the rest of the pack.

Fun Fact:   Noob wishes FC Samtredia would pick up the nickname “Fighting Mulberries”.  Their region produces many.

RESULT:   Sioni   0-4

  1. Posta Rangers vs. Gor Mahia – Kenya Premier

For 2018-19 CAF rankings, Kenya’s top league will move in at #22.  It’s not historically a very strong soccer country.

Gor Mahia haven’t mathematically wrapped up 1st place at the league’s only CL invitation, but they’re close.  2/3 of the way through the season or so here they lead the next-best by nine points in the table.  They ran away with the trophy last year, too.

Posta Rangers finished 4th, but currently are down in 10th place.  They weren’t great at scoring last season, and that weakness has seriously bitten them this year.

RESULT:   Gor Mahia   1-2

Image result for Nairobi funny

 

 

 

So long from Nairobi, home of Gor Mahia!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Thursday, 5/10 – more FA Cups and strange tales

Yesterday was chiock full of smokin’ FA Cup finals action!   We have a few more today, sort of a soccer apertif.  Savor the ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the world game – elegantly.  Mwah!

(edited 5/10, 8;30 Eastern)  Such a naughty Noobite am I!  how did I miss that the Semifinals of Liga MX’s postseason tournament – the Liguilla – begin tonight?

Santos hosting CF America tonight should be the more interesting of the two semifinal two-legged ties.  It’s on Univision tonight , beginning in just a few minutes.  Jonathan Rodiguez and Edwin Cetre will look to make it a high-scoring affair for the home side, which finished #4 in Clausura league play.  League #B CFA beat Santos 1-0 at home a few matches ago.

Noobstradamus Sees:   CFA gaining the advantage with a 1-1 draw.

RESULT:   Santos   4-1

  1. West Ham United vs. Manchester United – English Premier

When Noob first scouted this game, West Ham was still in the Relegation conversation.  They are now officially safe.  Manchester United don’t have anything to play for except hanging onto second.  Even a draw ensures them that.

Looking ahead to next year – if Man Utd. want to best their intracity rivals, they’ll have to address goal-scoring.  They were merely fifth-best in that department.  West Ham’s trouble is on the opposite end, having tied for conceding the most goals.   (2:45 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:  …a 1-1 draw.  They’ll all care, but only some.

Image result for care about soccer funny

 

 

They might play a reserve or two in this one…

B.  Anderlecht vs. Standard Liege – Belgium First Division A

Club Brugge – 42, Anderlecht – 40, Standard Liege – 38, Sporting Charleroi – 33.

Noob doesn’t like to just list standings typically, but Belgium is getting double-featured today.  Three matches to go, and you can see just how tight things are.  Top two go to Champions League.

Anderlecht just beat leaders Brugge on the road a few days ago, have been the best side since the league divided into championship and relegation subdivisions.  Standard Liege will give them all they can handle, being undefeated their last five matches.   (8:30 AM, Eleven Sports Network)

RESULT:   Standard Liege   1-3    And we have a new #B in Belgium!

Image result for letter B Belgium

 

 

 

Number B, cover thy shame!

  1. Sporting Charleroi vs. Club Brugge – Belgium First Division A

And here’s that second scoop.   (12:00 PM, Eleven Sports Network)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Brugge has only won one of their last six matches, losing three.  But beat water-treading Charleroi 6-0 their last meeting.  Brugge, 1-2.

RESULT:   Brugge   1-3

  1. Akhisarspor vs. Fenerbahce – Turkey Cup

The Final!  But the story of this tournament is already written, really.

Fenerbahce hosted a Semifinal against Besiktas.  Fans were so awful, including hitting a visiting coach in the head with stuff thrown, that the match was ended.  By league rule, Besiktas was to advance.  Instead. the league announced the remaining half hour of game time would be resumed on a new date (with no fans allowed).

Besiktas appealed for the win, but were denied.  In protest, they refused to play.  They forfeit all their prize money and cannot play in next year’s FA Cup.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that league #12 can’t compete with #B Fenerbahce, much as it would feel good to see the latter lose.  Bad guys, 1-3.

RESULT:   Akhisarspor   3-2   Well whaddya know!

Image result for fenerbahce turkish cup semifinal

 

 

 

Greek fans are still crazier

  1. Brondby vs. Silkeborg – Danish Cup

It’s the Final of the DBU Pokalen.  This match is not at Brondby’s home ground, but it is in Copenhagen, so it’s still a home advantage.

Not that Brondby is going to need that help.  They’re #1 in the Superliga, while Silkeborg are #11, currently slated to play in a postseason Relegation Playoff.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Brondby 4-0

RESULT:   Brondby   3-1

  1. Djurgarden vs Malmo – Swedish Cup

This Final’s at Djurgarden’s place.  Last year, these two were #3 and #1 in the league, respectively.  This year has been a different tale, though they’re not even ten games into the season yet.  10th and 8th place so far.  Ouch.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Snow.  Always snow.

RESULT:   Djurgarden   3-o

Image result for Sweden snow football funny

 

 

 

Orange ball alert!

  1. Gaz Metan Medias vs. Hermannstadt – Romanian Cup

This is a one-off Semifinal, and in some ways the most intriguing matchup of the day.

GMM are in third-to-last place in Liga I, in line to have to play a Relegation playout match with a Liga II team for the right to stay up.  Hermannstadt are from said Liga II, have all but mathematically guaranteed themselves promotion to the top flight next year.  More, they were promoted to Liga II just this year!

Noobstradamus Sees:  …the fairytale rise of the Fighting Hermannators (ok, Noob made the mascot up) continuing!   0-1.

RESULT:   Hermannstadt   2-3   Minnow success!

  1. Basel vs. Young Boys – Swiss Super League

Hail to the league champions!  Young Boys of Bern ran away with the title.  And Basel didn’t have any competition for #B and the other Champions League invite.  The match may not “matter”, but Noob always tries to acknowledge #1-#B matchups.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …Basel being brought the finest meats and cheeses from all the surrounding land!

RESULT:   Basel   5-1

Image result for Swedish meats and cheeses funny

 

 

…because other Swiss culinary traditions are weird

  1. Boston River vs. CD Jaguares – Copa Sudamericana

South America’s version of Europa League, where the First Stage is winding down.

Boston River are the #2 entrant out of Uruguay.  CD Jaguares are the 4th and final team to qualify from Colombia.  On paper, this is a pretty even matchup, with only a slight edge to B.R. for being at home.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Boston River overcoming the 1-2 loss form the first leg of this tie and winning today 3-1.  For the Three-U land there shall be victory!

RESULT:   Boston River   3-0

  1. Xelaju vs. Antigua Guatemala – Guatemala National League

Gotta love Guatemala, where the pitchers bat for themselves.

The Management interrupting here with this news bulletin:  Noobstra-dumbass is making a baseball joke.  You—

You don’t think Noobites would get that on their own?  You’re just grouchy about my dissing Sporting KC in yesterday’s post.  Pipe down.  KC won.

And before you say anything else, fine, this is the first leg of a Quarterfinal match to start of this league’s postseason.  They finished in 5th and 4th place and will probably play to a…oh…. 5-5 draw today.  Or something.

RESULT:   Xelaju   2-0

Image result for Honduras weird

 

So long from my vacation digs in Guatemala!

(Shush, The Management.  They know.)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Wednesday (5/9) – a tidal waves of FA Cups

So much hardware is being handed out today, the sun glaring off it all will be blinding.  FA Cups galore!

But the ten most important games for us – the newish American fans – begins closer to home.  Then, on to the Cup Finals!

  1. Atlanta United vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

You can’t ask for better than the two Conference leaders facing off.  Atlanta are two points better in the overall table, chase for the Supporters’ Shield.  Home field should mean everything tonight, as Atlanta lead the league in average attendance, too.  Not bad for a second-year club.   (7:30 PM, NBA League Pass 6, Fox Sports South)

Noobstradamus Sees:  …The Management filled with ire and rage for his in-house prognosticator!  The spirit world from which the visions come is not biased, Boss-Man.  Atlanta  2-1.

RESULT:   KC   0-2   Happy The Management!

Image result for angry boss funny

 

 

Noob will help you through this, The Management.

B.  Utah Royals vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

#6 Utah is unusual for an expansion team, as they’re really good on team defense, but struggle a touch on offense.  Orlando looks the same.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …himself making no prediction here, instead deferring to Number B.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for royal letter B

 

But don’t let it go to your head, Number B.

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Newcastle United – English Premier

Noob-reviled Hotspur now only lead Chelsea by two points in the table for the fourth and final Champions League invitation.  Two matches to go.

Newcastle are earning the “class prize” of sorts.  They’re in a four-way tie for 10th, easily the best position of any of the three clubs that were promoted to Premier this season.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  0-0!   Hotspur is playing sketchy ball down the stretch (yay!), while Newcastle have lost three straight – and not even to terribly strong competition.

RESULT:   Hotspur   1-0

  1. Juventus vs. AC Milan – Coppa Italia

The Final, at the Olympic Stadium in Rome!

AC Milan is 6th in league play.  Despite winning their last two matches, they have falling out of contention for even a Europa League berth.  This is the one game they have left that matters.

Juventus are now up six points over Napoli with two matches to go.  Any inkling they might’ve had to rest any starters is probably shoved aside now.  (3:00 PM, GOL TV)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Juve 2-1.  A late AC Milan goal will give them a few moments of hope.

RESULT:   Juve   4-0

Image result for coppa italia funny

 

 

Juve’s version of Justin Timberlake is decidedly not bringing sexy back.

  1. Tosno vs. Avangard Kursk – Russian Cup

Another Final!  Volgograd is the neutral site for this odd matchup.

Tosno were promoted to Premier last year, and are in position now to head right back to second-tier.  Kursk are a below-average team from the second-tier.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …a nation not caring much about this Final probably, not with their hosting of the World Cup imminent.

RESULT:   Tosno   2-1   chamPEEENS!

  1. Dynamo Kyiv vs. Shakhtar Donetsk – Ukrainian Cup

More Final?  Yes, please!   And this is a Final as it should be, with the historic and current league powerhouses coming together.  Dinipro is the neutral site city.

Last they played, in league, DKyiv won 0-1 at Shakhtar’s.   They’ve been scalding hot, not losing a league match since late February.  Donetsk have beaten all comers since that loss to DKyiv.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Kyiv 1-1, winning in pk’s.  Scoring for both has slowed some the last couple matches.

RESULT:   Shakhtar   0-2    Trophy time!

Image result for noobstradamus

 

But the prowess of Noobstradamus’ prognostication-ability never wanes!

That sounded cool, right?   Right?…

  1. Sturm Graz vs. Salzburg – Austrian Cup

Klagenfurt am Worthersee.  That’s fun to say.  It is where this Final is being held (neutral).

These two finished #B and #1 in league, but it wasn’t a close race.  Salzburg only lost twice, while SG did so 5x as often.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …a statement game-finish for Salzburg, 5-2.  SG’s weakness was easily goal-defense all season.

RESULT:   Sturm Graz   1-0  in AET

  1. Slavia Prague vs. Jablonec – Czech Cup

The barrage of Finals continues!  The neutral site city for this one is Mlada Boleslav.  They are #2 and #4 in the country’s best league, one with a pretty tight table up top.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Slavia Prague 3-2, in a barrage of goals!

RESULT:   Slavia Prague   3-1   (Hey, was close on one!)

Image result for czech cup funny

 

 

Admit it – you’re feelings for Czech football are moving in a positive direction.

  1. Beitar Jerusalem vs. Hapoel Haifa – Israeli Cup

Here’s a Final that’s actually not at a neutral site.  If league #B Beitar can control the pace, this would be a nifty one to watch.  They score and give up goals in spades.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …that defense travels!  Hapoel Haifa gets the upset, 1-2.

RESULT:   H Haifa   1-3    Woohoo!

  1. Slavia Sofia vs. Levski Sofia – Bulgarian Cup

This Final is at the national stadium in Sofia, though this season it’s also been Levski’s home pitch as well.

Levski looks like they will finish #3 in the league, get to play another final of sorts for a Europa League slot.  Slavia are “the best of the rest”, as they narrowly missed making the league championship subdivision.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Levski controlling the pace and getting a 0-0 draw, but then losing in PK!

RESULT:   Slavia Sofia   0-0 / 4-2 PK     OK, that was stunning.  Nailed it!

Image result for sofia bulgaria funny

 

So long from Sofia, Bulgaria!

Noob overpacked.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Tuesday (5/8) – US Open Cup leading the way

Wednesday in particular is going to be SO chock full of exceptional matches that Noob is expanding the usual three-day, one-post Midweek Edition into three full days!

I’ll wait for the applause to die down.

OK, splendid.  Onward and upward to the ten most important matches for us, the newish Americans fans of the global game – to follow!

  1. Portland Timbers U23 vs. Kitsap Pumas – U.S. Open Cup

It’s not so much that this one particular match is “important”, but Noob felt it was past time to post that the event had started.  And it’s the only match from the event today.

This is America’s FA Cup.  Competing are the 20 US-based MLS clubs, 22 of the second-division USL teams.  Also in – through qualification rounds – are 41 teams from the unofficial fourth tier (there is no “third tier”) NPSL and PDL and 13 from local amateur leagues.

Kitsap (Bremerton, WA) are here from the Northwest Conference of the NPDL, winners of the playoffs there.  Portland’s most seasoned youth squad won the Northwest Division playoffs in the PDL to get in.  This is the First Round.  The winner will take on Reno 1868 out of the USL.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Nothing.  I have a policy of not prognosticating when kiddins are involved.

RESULT:   PTU23   5-0

Image result for kids gambling funny

 

 

 

 

Only madness can ensue from such.

B.  Swansea City vs. Southampton – English Premier

Probably about a quarter billion pounds on the line.  Two matches to go, and these two are tied in the table for 17th.  Southampton lead on GD.  Bottom three of the 20 clubs get Relegated to the second tier Championship League next season, so they’re straddling that line.

Swansea haven’t won a match since early March.  Southampton actually have a win and a draw in their last two games.   (2:45 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1.  More tension!

RESULT:   Southampton   0-1   And with that, West Brom are now Relegated along with Stoke City.  One more to be determined.

Image result for letter B gif

 

 

Number B, adding to the tension and high drama.

  1. Les Herbiers vs. Paris Saint-Germain – Coupe de France

Minnow madness!   Les Herbiers are from the third tier of French football.  And they’re on the edge of being Relegated down another level this season.  Yet here they are!   Technically, this is at a neutral site, but only in that it is not on PSG’s home pitch.  But it is in Paris.   (3:05 PM, beIN Sports)

Noobstradus Sees:   I’m not telling!  Because I want to be wrong.  PSG are tops in all France.

RESULT:   PSG   0-2

  1. Aberdeen vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Two matches to go, and these two are #B and #3, separated in the table by just a point.  Hibernian lurk just two more points back, looking to steal one of their Europa League bids should either falter.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Aberdeen 2-0        Rangers are going to be a mess, as their going through a late-season managerial change.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for aragorn fallen off cliff

 

Falling off a cliff will mess up a Ranger as well.

  1. Buriram United vs. Jeonbuk – AFC Champions League

It’s the Round of 16, first leg.  These two are entrants from the #9 and #4 leagues in Asia.  Noob’s doubtful either can reach beyond the next round, so let’s pay them attention while we can.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Jeonbuk 1-2     The top leagues in Asia are simply much better.

RESULT:   Buriram   3-2

  1. Al-Ain vs. Al-Duhail – AFC Champions League

Your undercard today from this tournament is a tough one to handicap.  Al-Ain – from UAE – only snuck in because the qualifying 3rd-place team from the top league there last year merged with a different club.  They have to exist as they are for three years to be eligible.

Duhail are here by virtue of winning last year’s top league in Qatar.

Noobstradamus Sees:   The crystal ball is cloudy.  Either there’s not enough of a sample size with Al-Ain to know how good they might be, or I need to find some Windex.

RESULT:   Duhail   2-4

Image result for bad merger funny

 

 

Crazy-bad merger idea

  1. Debrecen vs. Puskas FK Academy – Hungary FA Cup

These two mid-table teams from Hungary’s top division are facing off in a Semifinal.  Puskas took the first leg 4-0.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Puskas 1-3     Until their last match, they’d been in a seven-match unbeaten streak.  Debrecen have been going the opposite way.

RESULT:   Debrecen   2-0    But Puskas advance on aggregate, 4-2.

  1. Cobh Ramblers vs. Longford Town – League of Ireland Cup

This is not the country’s FA Cup.  Rather, mostly only teams from the top two divisions complete.  They invite a few lower division and even junior teams sometimes to round things out.  This is a Quarterfinal, featuring two second-tier sides.  They are #8 and #6 in their league, respectively.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Longford  0-1!   Apparently Rambling doesn’t involve scoring much, but Cobh hasn’t much all season.

RESULT:   Cobh   2-0

Image result for rambling bad funny

 

 

 

[insert self-deprecating joke about Noob’s own rambling HERE]

  1. Atletico MG vs. San Lorenzo – Copa Sudamericana

It seems odd to Noob these two would be meeting in the First Stage.  These are the top two entrants from South America’s top two countries, Brazil and Argentina.   Maybe it’s a completely random draw.  Weirdness.  Also, it’s the only one of the three matches from this event today not televised on a network one might get here in America.  More weirdness.

Aaaanywho, this is South America’s equivalent of Europa League.  San Lorenzo won the first leg 1-0.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …this very even matchup ending as it should.  Atletico 1-0. then winning it in PK’s.

RESULT:   0-0    San Lorenzo advances on aggregate, 1-0.

  1. Al Quwa Al Jawiya vs. Al Ahed – AFC Cup

This isn’t really analogous to Europa League, other than that this is a secondary tournament to the AFC Champions League.  Top teams from leagues in what their confederation has deemed “developing soccer countries” play in this one.

AQAJ – out of the Iraqi Premier – have won the last two years.   They are also the defending champions of AFC’s #11 league.  Ahed are undefeated this year in the Lebanese Premier (league #21).

Noobstradamus Sees:  Nothin’.  Qawa Jawiya are messing with the Scrabble-part of my prognosticating brain.

RESULT:   AQAJ   3-1

Image result for iraq goodbye funny

 

 

 

So long from Iraq, Noobites!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday – from MLS to a Saudi surprise

TGIGF!

‘The ten best matches for us – the newish American fans – to track’ takes its usual Friday bent, as we Trot the Globe!  Today, we’ll start in locales familiar, then jetset to four continents for footyball action!

There must be a crack in the airplane window today.  Nothing but a low oxygen level explains Noob’s weirdness this round…

  1. Toronto vs. Philadelphia Union – MLS

Philadelphia, we’re used to you being ungoodly.  8th in conference last year, same this season.

But Toronto?!   The defending champs are in last place in the Western Conference.  Apologists will say they had been putting most of their early season effort into the CONCACAF Champions League (in which they lost in the Final).  Contrarians might contend their stars are getting long in the tooth.   (8:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Philly 0-1.   On a late penalty kick.  After a bad call.

RESULT:   Toronto   3-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

It’s about time I was co-lead of this shite soccer site.  

Time to clean stuff up!

B.  Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Manchester United – English Premier

It will be interesting to see which side brings the energy today.  #B Man Utd. have already locked up their Champions League berth for next year.  BHA are in 14th, but could still be fighting hard for a top half finish.  Plus, each position up in the table is worth an average of about 2M pounds.  Not that Noob knows if the players get it.

BHA’s issue all season has been goal-scoring.  For a table-top team, Man Utd don’t score in droves, either.    (3:00 PM, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1     BHA scores early, Man Utd decides late that they’d like a point.

RESULT:   BHA   1-0

Image result for happy letter B

 

Noob hopes that’s a BHA fan, supporting the quest of Number B!

  1. Real Salt Lake City vs. Orange County – USL

Division Two this may be, but what a matchup.  The current 3rd-place and defending Western Conference champs take on #1 OC.

Real SLC trail OC by three in the table, but have played two fewer games.  But that’s not the only reason OC lead.  They are tied for the league’s best offense and sport the #1 defense as well.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Real 3-2.   Which sucks.  Because tenured Noobites know how Noob feels about anything royal/”real” in Muricuh!   Did we fight the Revolutionary War for no reason?

RESULT:   Real   2-1

  1. Al Ahly vs. Esperance – CAF Champions League

Africa’s Champions League group stage begins!  Four groups of four, top two finishers in each advance to the quarterfinals.

And Group A is your “Group of Death”.  These two clubs are why.   They are the runaway winners of the continent’s best two leagues (Egypt, Tunisia).

The other two in this group are a Botswanan club that had to get through a qualifying round and the champs out of Uganda – a mediocre, one-entrant league.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Al Ahly  4-1      The “Red Castle” are going to make a statement right out of the gate.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for group of death funny

  1. Braga vs. Boavista – Primeira Liga (UEFA #7)

Two league matches to go in Portugal, and things are scalding hot at top of table.

Braga trail the #3 and #B clubs by just three points.  To get a Champions League berth, they’ll have to pass both.  The good news for them is that they would likely hold the goal differential-tiebreaker over one of them should that come into play.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Braga having no trouble with #8 Boavista.  Too much firepower up front.  Braga 3-1.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Dynamo Kyiv vs. Mariupol – Ukraine Premier (UEFA #8)

D.K. lag behind #1 Shakhtar Donetsk by five points.  Even with surely a dominating performance today versus #5 Mariupol, they’re unlikely to catch up.  But Ukraine gets two into Champions League, so their weeping for what is lost will be short-lived.

Noobstradamus Sees:   D.K.  2-0

RESULT:   1-1

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  1. Istanbul Basaksehir vs. Sivasspor – Turkey Super Lig (UEFA #10)

If Portugal is “scalding hot”, Turkey is pure lava!  The top four in Turkey are separated by all of four points.

Top two get into Champions league, and Besiktas is #B with three league matches to go.  But they face the toughest test this weekend among those top four, the #7 Spartans of Sivasspor.

Noobstradamus has had a stunning vision!

“I dreamt I was in the movie “Meet the Spartans”.  Kevin Sorbo and Diedrich Bader were doing battle in a gladiatorial stadium.  I looked on with Carmen Electra as the two combatants pelted one another with petrified baklava.  We delighted in the blood and faux-chocolatey spatter as they danced their dance of death.”

“In truth, the battle was very one-sided.   Sorbo, in a Sivasspor football kit, stood over the prone, dessert-covered Bader in his Istanbul gear.  Just before slamming the fatal shard into his heart, Sorbo shouted, ‘1-2’!”

It was a pretty abrupt ending to a terribly strange dream.  But Noobstradamus is only a host for the visions, not the controller.   Sivasspor deal a mighty blow today to Istanbul’s title hopes.

RESULT:   1-1     Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten chilidogs and watched Hercules and Outsourced back-to-back so late…

Image result for Kevin Sorbo Diedrich Bader

 

 

But in real life —

Best frehhhnds!

  1. Waterford vs. Dundalk – League of Ireland Premier (UEFA #38)

#3 hosts #2 in one of Europe’s “summer leagues”.  They’re only maybe 2/3 of the way through their season, not in the last matches like the “bigger” UEFA leagues.

Cork City is #1, but not running away with the title like last season.  Dundalk trails them by three, and surprising Waterford is just three more back.

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1    This will only be the fifth goal Dundalk has conceded all season.

RESULT:   Waterford   2-1

  1. Barcelona SC vs. LDU de Quito – Ecuador Serie A

If this looks familiar, it’s because it should.  These two just played on 4/29 in a Noob-featured match.  Quito hosted and won 2-1.  They now lead BSC by a point in the table.  But now BSC hosts.

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1     Quito is better on both sides of the ball, if not by leaps and bounds.

RESULT:   Quito   0-1

  1. Al Kawkab vs. Al-Raed – Saudi Pro League qualification

It’s a Final!  And Noob would be willing to bet no one else in the English-speaking world is previewing this match.

Al-Kawkab finished 4th in the second-division First League.  And they got whupped in the first leg by top-tier bottom feeder Al-Raed, 4-1.

If Kawkab has hope, it is that Raed played the worst defense in their league, and they played among the best offense in their own.  And Kawkab did score in that first road leg.  Noob suspects the player who got that – Senegalese forward Mignane Diouf – will have to catch fire.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Kawkab   2-1     Good, but not good enough

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for goodbye from Saudi Arabia

 

 

And goodbye from Saudi Arabia!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Weekend Edition! Premier, MLS, all the best – plus new league coverage announcement

Hitting the hinterlands of world footyball yesterday was a dream, as always.  But weekends are where T2T gets (comparatively) serious.

Don’t miss the Sunday new league coverage announcement.  It’s gonna be!– well, it’s gonna be content.

Saturday, 3/31

  1. Chicago Fire vs. Portland Timbers – MLS

Both clubs have lost both their games this early season.  Last year, they finished 3rd and 6th in the Western Conference.  (Chicago has been moved into the East now.)  Both teams struggled on defense, at least when compared to other playoff teams.  (6:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6).

RESULT:   2-2

 

Portland- Basilisk’s iconic fried chicken sammich.  

Nice work!  Chicago deep dish still wins.

B.  Chicago Red Stars vs. Portland Thorns – NWSL

Double-header in Bridgeview, IL!   At least Noob assumes both are hosting on their same home pitch.  The 8:15 PM start time for this match suggests it.  These two finished in 4th and 2nd, respectively, last year.

RESULT:   Portland   2-3

Image result for letter B number 2

 

 

Can’t hedge!   You’re either into boring old Number Two or down with Number B.

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. AS Monaco – Coupe de la League

The Final!   This is not the FA Cup, but rather a tournament open to pro clubs in just the top three divisions in France.  Given that PSG has demolished all of Ligue 1 this year, Noob wonders if league #B Monaco will be revved up to snatch some hardware away from PSG.

RESULT:   PSG   3-0

  1. Bayern Munich vs. Borussia Dortmund – Bundesliga

1st place is out of reach for 3rd-place Dortmund, so maintaining their top-four place in the table and getting a Champions League invite is the goal.  They’d love even a draw against champ-in-waiting Bayern.  (12:30 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Bayern   6-0     not a typo.   this was a terrible, awesome rout

Image result for borussia dortmund funny

 

Those masks won’t help you hide from Bayern.   

BVB on your shirts, fellas.

  1. Juventus vs. AC Milan – Serie A

Milan is five points out of 4th place and the last Champions League berth.  1st-place Juventus has only lost twice all year, yet only lead Napoli by two points.

This is a bad matchup for Milan, as they have trouble scoring and Juve has the league’s best defense.  This may well be the world’s most important match this weekend.  (2:45 PM, Rai Italia)

RESULT:   Juve    3-1

  1. Sevilla vs. Barcelona – La Liga

Sevilla does not have a realistic shot of cracking the top four, but they are in line for a Europa League invite, being in 6th place.  7th will get in as well this year, but even that is not guaranteed for Sevilla.  Lots of teams are in the hunt.  Barcelona are undefeated, the best team in the world.  (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for game show prizes funny

 

6th place could win this dartboard and pool table.  And longer pool table?…

  1. Ljubljana vs. Maribor – Slovenia Prva Liga

[loo-blee-ah-nuh] have almost wrapped up the league title.  It’s hard to say historic powerhouse #B Maribor is ever quite completely out of it, but they are ten points back.  This league is only the 30th-strongest in Europa, but Noob is always down for matchups from the very top of tables.

RESULT:   1-1

Sunday, 4/1

**Soon, Noob’s exclusive coverage of the Isle of Sodor Premier League will begin!   Sudric football has been loosely organized at best.  Until now, with the formation of their FA.**

The Island of Sodor with it's hypothetical location in the UK (From Thomas the Tank Engine/Thomas and Friends) [OS] [5526x3175]

  1. Chelsea vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier

The only important drama left in Premier’s top of the table is right here.  5th place hosts 4th, a battle for the league’s final Champions League spot next year.   With just eight matches to go, it’s not quite a must-win for Chelsea at five points back.  But they sure as shite can’t lose.

So, c’mon, Chelsea.  Don’t let the traitorously-named Hotspur get the best of you.  Ramp up the so-so offense a bit and take these ne’er-do-wells down!  (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Hotspur   1-3

  1. UNAM Pumas vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

9th vs. 10th doesn’t look intriguing at a glance.  But remember:  the top eight clubs make the Liguilla, the postseason league tournament.

Noobstrdamus has access to the soccer alternate planes, has learned Necaxa will score the road upset today.  It couldn’t be that I read Pumas can’t play D at all.   It’s the first thing.  *nod*

RESULT:   1-1    Prognostication fail.  In fact, Pumas played most of the second half a man down.

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

I once tamed a wild puma with just my headband.

  1. Boca Juniors vs. Talleres – Argentina Premier

Finishing off the Track in style, as Noob is wont to do!   #1 hosts #B in Argentina’s astounding 28-club deep league.  Best offense versus best defense.   Pirate yourself an interwebs stream of this one somewhere.

RESULT:   Boca Juniors   2-1      Juniors get the go-ahead goal at 90′, open up a huge -9- point lead in the table.

Image result for pirated internet stream funny

 

 

See?  It’s a good idea.

 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (3/5) – Suck less, Crystal Palace!

Relegation Monday — Noob’s weekly delving into the table-bottoms of so many leagues.  It’s a catacomb of crappiness, a celebration of suckitude!  Let’s get to know these lowbies before they’re given The Boot.

First, we feature three non-Relegation matches:

  1. Finn Harps vs. Mayo League – Irish League Cup

What is this event:  It is not Ireland’s FA Cup.  This is a Knockout competition for the top two leagues’ teams, plus whichever other ones the powers-that-be felt like inviting to bring the total number up to 24.  While those extras are mostly third-division clubs, this match is different.

The Mayo League is county-level, 7th-tier, and it’s amateurs and kids!  Noob’s honestly not certain if this is select players from various teams in the league or one simply one existing team from there, but I imagine this is the thrill of a lifetime for them.  Finn Harps were Relegated to second-division last year.  Will it be competitive?  Probably not.  Does that matter to Noob?  Absolutely not.

RESULT:     ppd due to wearher

Image result for mayo association football league

 

 

An enviable, elegant league crest.  Well-done.

B.  Nasaf Qarshi vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

The Group Stage continues in Asia’s premier event.  Pods of four teams, each plays a double-round robin.  Top two from each advance to the Knockout Stage.  These two are from Uzbeikstan (9th-best Asian league) and Qatar (6th-best).  Ability-wise, these clubs would be right at home in MLS.

Al-Sadd is 2-0, Qarshi 1-0-1.  The Uzbeks have already been drubbed by Persepolis, with whom they are tied.  They’re going to have to pull an upset at some point in order to move on.  This is a bad matchup for them though, as Al-Sadd have offensive firepower they don’t.

RESULT:   Qarshi   1-0      Or Noob could be mistaken.  Uzebek, ho!

Image result for Group of letter B

 

 

Yup.  Group of Four of Number B’s.

  1. Portugal vs. Norway – Algarve Cup

The Group Stage continues in this historically shiny women’s tournament as well.  The format’s a tiny bit strange.  The 12 teams are divided into Pods of three.  Each club plays the others once.  Then the teams are paired off in king-of-the-hill matchups to end the event, 1st playing 2nd, 3rd playing 4th, etc.  Since there are an odd number of Groups, that’s a little crazytown.

Noob continues to give his love to the host Portuguese.  They came in with the lowest FIFA ranking of all teams competing, yet are tied for first in their Group.  Norway is just a point behind.

RESULT:   Portgual   2-0

OK, that was grand.  Now, could we please inhabit the darkness of Relegation zones?  You betcha!

  1. Crystal Palace vs. Manchester United – English Premier

Palace haven’t won a match since January, and so occupy a Relegation spot (third-to-last).  The only things they could possibly have going for them are 1) that Man Utd. might overlook them, B)  Man Utd. might relax just because they’re Champions League berth-top four finish looks secure, and 3) Palace’s own desperation.  (3:00 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Fun Fact:  Palace is named for the building in which they were founded, a massive exhibition hall in Hyde Park, London.

RESULT:   2-2     So close!   Palace actually led 2-0.

  1. Celta Vigo vs. Las Palmas – La Liga

Like Palace, Las Palmas are in the “last” Relegation spot in their league.  They’re only a point behind Levante, but that’s the only team could possibly catch.  They’re not going to.  Even 1tth place Celta Vigo can overwhelm them at home.

Noob hopes beyond hope for them though.  They’re from the Canary Islands, and I have in inexplicable fondness for teams from such areas.  (3:00 PM, beIN Sports)

Fun Fact:  Actor Javier Bardem is from Las Palmas.

RESULT:   CV   2-1

  1. Estudiantes vs. Olimpo – Argentina Premier

Argentina’s top league Relegates based on four years of results.  Olimpo’s one disastrous 2016 is looking likely to cost them membership in the Premier.  They’re in second-to-last this season, not doing anything to help their cause.  Estudiantes are having a subpar year for them, but still in 11th.

Fun Fact:  Fishing sharks from both boats and bay piers is becoming a very popular recreational activity.

RESULT:   Estudiantes   1-0

Image result for fishing shark argentina

 

 

Wait, he went in  that little boat??

  1. Apollon Smirnis vs. Panetolikos – Greek Superleague

10th place Panetolikos is as average a team as can be found in Greece.  And so Noobstrdamus is calling this one for the second-to-last place “Light Brigade”!

Not “Fun”, But Interesting Fact:  Smirnis was founded in Smyrna in the 19th C., but expelled from there during the fighting between Turkey and Greece which followed WWI.  They are now based in Athens.

RESULT:   Smirnis   2-1     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle and a Noober success!

  1. Macabbi Haifa vs. Hapoel Haifa – Israeli Premier

The battle for Haifa!   In truth, it could be a bit more dramatic.  There’s a wide gap between the top six and bottom eight in this league, so it’s already known which teams have made the title playoffs and which will play Relegation playoffs.  Macabbi are in 10th, Hapoel 4th.

Fun Fact:  These two share a 30.000+ seat stadium, Sammy Ofer Stadium.

RESULT:   HH   0-3

Image result for sammy ofer

 

 

The shipping magnate himself

9.  Al Mokawloon Al Arab vs. Tanta – Egypt Premier

Tanta is in the last Relegation spot, meaning they have the best chance to move up and out.  They’re just two points behind Wadi Degla.  Al Mokawloon are in 8th.  They like a wide open game, so should take care of business at home against defensively-struggling Tanta.

Fun Fact:  About 3 million people come to Tanta annually, at the end of the cotton harvest there.  The city is home to well under half a million.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Dunav Ruse vs. CSKA-Sofia – Bulgaria First Pro League

Just like Israel, this league will split into title playoffs (6 teams) and Relegation Playoffs (8 teams).  Dunav Ruse are in third-to-last.  It would take a miracle for them to climb to top six at this point.

CSKA-Sofia are #B in the league, with all-but-dashed hopes (six points back) of catching #1 Ludogorets Razgrad for the regular season title.  Ruse’s hope lies in CSKA-Sofia possibly not caring about this one.  That’s it.  Because they score and defend literally three times better than Ruse.

Fun Fact:  Ruse may come from the name (Rusa, meaning “blonde”) for a female founder of the city from the 13th-14th C.

RESULT:   CSKA-Sofia   0-2

Image result for old Blonde Bulgarian woman

 

 

And wow, and she doesn’t look a day over 550.