Tag: NYCFC

’10 to Track’ for Saturday (8/18) – ten match previews for your ogling pleasure

The most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

Our collective soccer education.  Noob’s unstable mind and left field-humor.   A combination almost as good as chocolate-almond-coconut ice  cream served by a Brazilian agriculture student.

Read on to have THAT explained.  Check back for results, too.  On matches, not the Brazilian girl.   And follow Noob on Twitter at SoccerNoobUSA.com.  Thanks.

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. Portland Timbers – Major League Soccer

As the regular season moves into its final third, it appears eight Western Conference teams are vying for the six postseason berths allotted them.  Just ten points separate the last of that group from first.

(Minnesota United fans, Noob looks forward to your emails of bile and vitriol.  Your club is trading away its talent now.  Management knows it’s over this year.  Embrace the pain.)

Portland are in 5th now, but not playing like they’ll stay there.  Two losses in a row to non-playoff bound competition don’t bode well.  Admittedly, that D.C. United team looks frisky this week, but were in last for a long time for a reason.  Reasons.

Kansas City have their groove back.  They’ve been in a brutal stretch of schedule, had lost three straight to fall to 4th.  Now, they’ve won back-to-back games against solid competition and have #1 Dallas in their sights, who dangle just three points ahead.

The key to recovering from their tailspin has been the back line.  Unsurprisingly, it has been spearheaded by MLS’ 2017 Defender of the Year award winner Ike Opara.   (8:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   KC   3-0

Image result for Ike Opara

 

Defense:  Top-notch

Ike’s head wear choice:

YOU make the call.

B.  Philadelphia Union vs. NYCFC – Major League Soccer

Things are shaping up a little differently in the East.  The top three seeds look secure, though in what order they’ll finish is up for grabs.  Columbus will be the #4 seed.  NYCFC and NY Red Bulls are tied for #B, just two in back of Atlanta.

The last two Playoff slots are down to four clubs realistically.  Here, we find Philly, tied for 5th.  They just bagged a big win over peer New England.  Since they’re hosting, Noob’s calling this match a tossup today.   (7:00 PM, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Philly   2-0

Image result for B is for bag

 

 

 

And for “blue” and for “Noob” spelled backwards.

Tres chic, Number B.

  1. Portland Thorns vs. Chicago Red Stars – Nationals Women’s Soccer League

Three matches to go in the regular season.  Here’s what we know:  North Carolina kick butt.  What we think we know:  Seattle are going to get the #B seed.

Five teams remain alive for the other two Playoff spots.  Portland are in the driver’s seat for the coveted #3 seed.  Not having to play NC in the opening round is a big deal.  Chicago and Orlando are tied for 4th.

Portland have won four of five and Chicago haven’t lost in four consecutive outings.   Check out this humdinger on ESPNEWS at 10:30 PM.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Monterrey vs. UNAM Pumas – Liga MX

We’re essentially at the quarter mark for the Apertura (first half-season) already!   Noob loves just 17 matches.  Every single one is so important.  And so it’s time for Noob to stop using last season’s results as a crutch and look at what we really have in Mexico now.

Pumas went from 14th to 7th between the 2017-18 half-season tournaments.  And look at UNAM now!  1st place.  One of two clubs with no losses.  Tied for the best offense in the league.  They grow up so fast!  *sniffle*

in 5th, we find Monterrey.  They finished in 1st and 3rd last year in the two tournaments.  They’re matches have been low-scoring to start out this Apertura, a surprise.  This one’s at 10:06 PM on FS2 to see of Pumas can continue to hold the top spot.

RESULT:   Monterrey   1-0

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Yes, Fox Sports 2 is a real channel.

We’re not to “The Ocho” yet, but all in good time.

  1. Chelsea vs. Arsenal – English Premier

Early here in the EPL season we get a matchup between last year’s two best teams that were disappointments.  At 5th and 6th place, they just missed out on Champions League berths.

The stories about these teams that will get you through Level One water cooler-chat:

Both teams have new coaches.  Chelsea expectedly won their first game while Arsenal lost to the defending champs to start this season.  And Chelsea star Eden Hazard should join the starting lineup now.  He’s gotten some rest after his run with his World Cup team in Belgium.  (12:30 PM, NBC)

RESULT:   Chelsea   3-2      Chelsea squandered a 2-0 early lead before closing this one out late.

  1. Lazio vs. Napoli – Serie A

Nearly all the talk this European off-season has been about Cristiano Ronaldo moving from Real Madrid to Juventus.  But don’t miss this match.

Napoli gave Juve everything they could handle in last season’s title race.  And Lazio – who are really fun to watch with the ball in the opponent’s third – finished 5th, losing out on a Champions League berth by tiebreaker.

RESULT:   Napoli   1-2

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Plastic bottle-gladiator guy on the Lazio Plaza.

Hopefully he’s selling those to hot, thirsty footyball fans.

  1. Difaa al Jadida vs. MC Alger – CAF Champions League

And speaking of CL, let’s head to Africa’s.  A reminder of where we are:  Group Stage.  Four pods of four clubs each play double-round robins.  Top two from each will advance to the Knockout Stage.  Most everyone is four matches into their six.

In Group B, Congolese club TP Mazembe has already earned 1st place.  MC Alger is one of two Algerian clubs vying for runner-up, and they lead ES Setif by just a point.

DaJ aren’t out of it entirely, but have to earn more than draws to have any shot.  They’re actually the slightly more accomplished team internationally.  Between that, home pitch advantage, and plain old desperation, Noob looks for El Jadida to nab the W today.

RESULT:   El Jadida   2-0

  1. Royal Pari vs. The Strongest – Bolivia Premier

Welcome to the Track, Royal Pari!  Congrats on getting Promoted to Premier after last season.

In the Apertura, they finished in the bottom half of their division, if just.  Not bad for newbs.  And now in the Clausura – when the league plays all one division – (Bolivia is strange that way), they’re #B and have no losses!  Muy bueno.  But now, the real test.  The Strongest are 6-0-0.

These are the two highest goal-scoring offenses in the league.   To catch it, though, Noobites will likely have to try Googling up some internet streamage.  Maybe even pirated.  Yaaarrrgh.

RESULT:   R.P.   1-0

Image result for pirates computers

 

 

 

Yup.  Went there.

  1. Corinthians vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

#7 versus #4.  Two teams that will probably move up the table before all is said and done.   (6:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

Noob recently took his daughter and a neighbor kid out for a day, and that included a downtown ice cream shop near the local University.  The new girl working the counter was Brazilian.  Wonderful!  Buuhhht turns out she doesn’t care for football.  The footyball gods taunt Noob.

Noob learned a few interesting things though:

—  “Corinthians” might be pronounced with more of almost a “ch” than a “th” in Brazil.   Or our server might’ve had a speech impediment.  Noob didn’t ask.  Never mess with people handling your food.

—  The neighbor kid I had in tow told me I have a new girlfriend now, since I chatted her up so much.

Look, child.  Noob’s married and old enough to chat up an attractive, exotic, visiting postgrad intern without any nefarious intentions. What’s more, I— I— Oh my.  It’s true.   I am now my father.

—  One not need add much of any coconut to chocolate-almond to get the appropriate flavor effect.  Well-done, ice cream peoples.

RESULT:   Gremio   0-1

10.  FC Cincinatti vs. Charleston Battery – United Soccer League

Noob bookends today’s Track by bringing our gaze back stateside, to the second division.  Since the top eight in each conference will make the Playoffs, these are in excellent shape.  Cinci – who will be joining MLS next year – lead the East by five.  Charleston is tied with Pittsburgh Riverhounds for #B.

Charleston haven’t lost a league match since June 6.  And that’s as long as Cinci’s gone!  Primo matchup.  Noob wishes DII would get on the t00b.  Maybe the matches are carried locally and can be found on the interwebs.

RESULT:   Cinci   3-0

Image result for Cincinnati weird

 

 

 

So long from The Mushroom House,  Hyde Park, Cinci!

’10 to Track’ Weekend Edition soccer matches – all the best from America, Mexico, UEFA, CAF CL

It won’t belong now until the big European leagues are in full swing and Noob likely expands back to doing separate Tracks for Saturday and Sunday.

For this weekend though, the ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – the best from our soccer perspective span both days.

That’s my way of saying these weekend is all trim meat, Noobites.  Slice of piece of the grade-A soccer.

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. FC Dallas – Major League Soccer

KC spent most of the first half of the season leading the Western Conference, but now Dallas is on top (and LAFC is #B).  The difference.  KC has given up two or more goals in five straight matches, not winning any of them.

Dallas, meanwhile, have only conceded four in their last five games.   (And they won the one where they allowed multiple goals.)  Dallas’ defense is only surpassed league-wide by New York Red Bulls.  Jesse Gonzalez is their netminder and a title run is likely If he keeps playing at this level.   (8:00 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT:   Dallas   2-3     Michael Barrios with all three Dallas goals

Image result for Jesse Gonzalez FC Dallas

 

Jesse likes cold drinks, hot Texas nights, and wearing Mickey Mouse goalie gloves on dates.

His number is…

B.  Montreal Impact vs. Atlanta United – Major League Soccer

And now to the East!

Impact haven’t lost in their last seven times out, pushing into the Playoff picture (5th place).  Noob’s betting they won’t stay there.  Their defense has been more than suspect on the season, though better lately.  It’s helped them into two four-game losing streaks in 2018 so far.

Atlanta are #1, and that’s some tough business with both New York teams breathing down their necks.  Josef Martinez is their offensive star.  Noob mentions him again because he scored all three scores in their last match and win against D.C. United!   (7:00 PM, ESPN+, Fox Sports Southeast)

RESULT:   Atlanta   1-2    Ueber-star Josef Martinez with two goals

Image result for letter B star

 

Number B thinks himself a star.

But has he replaced numeral 2 in your hearts?

He should.

  1. Benfica vs. Juventus – International Champions Cup

Fans at Red Bull Arena certainly have been hoping to see Italian league champs’ new acquisition in action – world’s greatest Cristiano Ronaldo.   Sadly, he won’t be involved today though.  Benfica had won four Portuguese Primeira titles in a row before missing the mark last year.

It’s hard to handicap events in this tournament, since reserves may start or get substantial playing time as teams tune up for domestic leagues with the friendlies that make up this tournament.  Both teams won the first of the three matches they’ll each play in this event.   (1:00 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Juventus   1-1  /  2-4 pk

  1. Chicago Red Stars vs. Sky Blue FC – National Women’s Soccer League

New Jersey’s Sky Blue FC have lost four in a tow and have yet to win a match all season.  They’ve allowed a dozen goals in their last for matches, all losses.

Despite losing only once in their last seven outings, Chicago are in 5th place, just outside the Playoff picture.  A likely win today will vault then all the way to 3rd though.

Sky Blue FC forward Nadia Nadim (9) celebrates her goal against the Houston Dash.

 

SBFC’s Nadia Nadim celebrates a goal.

Maybe someday she’ll get to celebrate a W.

  1. CF America vs. Atlas – Liga MX

Atlas is the city of Guadalajara’s “other team”, as the headliners there are Club Deportivo Guadalajara (Chivas).  Last Clausura (second half-season), Atlas actually outperformed their rivals.  That said, the two were just 15th and 17th place, respectively.

Liga MX is just starting it’s 2017-18 season.  But if things remain similar to last year, America’s defense should be able to get the three points today.   (8:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   CFA   3-0    Guido Rodriguez nets a pair

  1. Wydad Casablanca vs. Horoya AC – CAF Champions League

Ah, Wydad, Noob’s Moroccan favorite!  Only club I’ve found named for an actress/singer.  Or either one.  If either is a fan of the sport, maybe someday we’ll have a Club Timberlake or Joe Jonas FC…

Aaaanyway, Wydad are the defending champions of Africa’s CL.  Horoya qualified out of the unheralded top-flight league in Guinea. This event is in its Group Stage.  These two and South Africa’s Mamelodi Sundowns are all tied for 1st out of the four teams in this Group.  Also, they all earned just draws against one another in their first matches in the Round Robin. After tiebreakers, the table goes Sundowns, Horoya, Wydad.

On paper, there shouldn’t be any reasonable way to expect Horoya to compete with Wydad.  But they play the matches on grass, not paper.  That would be weird and crumply-noisy probably.   (3:00 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:    Wydad   2-0

Image result for paper soccer players

 

 

 

What witchcraft is this??

 

 

Sunday

  1. U.S.A. vs. Australia – Tournament of Nations

To whom can Noob write a strongly-worded letter about the boring and yet still misleading name for this event?  It’s not wrong, but there are just four teams participating.  Granted, these are really good national teams.

And so, reminder:  This is essentially a tournament of glorified friendlies.  With Women’s World Cup next year, this can be considered a tune-up for that.  They’re playing a round robin, no additional round.

#1 FIFA-ranked U.S.A. beat #6 Japan 4-2 in their first match, in which Alex Morgan netted a hat trick (three goals).  #8 Australia (“the Matildas”) pulled the minor upset over #7 Brazil 3-1 in theirs.  Those matches were in Kansas City.  Both matches today are being played in East Hartford Connecticut, at UConn’s home field.   (7:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. North Carolina Courage vs. Lyon – women’s International Champions Cup

Another four-team event, all matches being played at Miami Gardens.  Noob doesn’t know enough yet to say that NC’s victory over Paris Saint-Germain was an upset or now.  Courage are easily the best American women’s team.  PSG is the secondary power in perhaps Europe’s top league.

Today, NCC get the real test.  Lyon as won three straight World Cup’s, and their own league 12 straight seasons.  Noon suspect’s the Courage will need even more than a career day from Alex Morgan.  Their other big star is Rapinoe, who also scored in the win over PSG.   (9:00 PM, ESPN2)

RESULT:   Courage   1-0

Image result for alex morgan funny

 

 

And when you score three goals in a match, you can rock whatever coif you want.  Right, Ms. Morgan?

  1. L.A. Galaxy vs. Orlando City – Major League Soccer

At time of this writing, Real Salt Lake is in action.  By the time some of reading this, they may have passed the Galaxy for 4th.  No matter what happens there, what a turnaround it’s been for the home team today.

Noob featured the Galaxy on Thursday.  “El Trafico” – the intracity rivalry match with LAFC – ended 2-2.  LAFC stormed back with two very late goals.  Will Zlatan & Co. be able to rev up after that derby?

Will it matter?  9th-place Orlando stink out loud.  This is good, right and appropriate.  The Management and Noob consider it a priority to espouse the evils of bad urban planning.  Nothing – NOTHING – good can ever come from building a city on a swamp.   (9:30 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Galaxy   4-3

  1. UANL vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

It’s early in this league’s new season.  These are two teams that made last year’s playoffs for the Clausura (second-half season).  OK.

What Noob really can’t stop thinking about is how embarrassed I should be about the fact that I didn’t know until I started covering soccer that Tijuana is spelled without an A before the J.  That pronunciation is cited as common and perfectly acceptable.  Still, Noob feels more shame heaped upon shame.  Just thought I would’ve picked up that there was a phantom sound in there long before now.   (7:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Tigres   1-0

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Use the phrase “chromosomally-challenged”.    It’s more PC.

  1. Cruziero vs. Sao Paulo – Brazil Serie A

To be a truly knowledgeable soccer citizen of the world. gotta follow Brazil.  South America’s best.  Sorry, Argentina.

Six clubs from here will qualify automatically for the Copa Libertadores Group Stage next year.  Cruziero are in 6th now, despite struggling a little on offense for a top club.  Noob would say their just-OK defense won’t make up for that lack, but they had similar stat lines a year ago and finished 5th.

Sao Paulo just keep continuing to surprise.  They’re #B in the league now, after a dismal 13th-place finish last year.  They’ve shored up their defense some.  Not enough to maintain a spot quite this high in the table for the whole season, but they sure look CL-bound at the very least.    (3:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Sao Paulo   0-2

  1. MLS Homegrown vs. UANL U20 – MLS All-Star week

The MLS All-Star game will be on Aug. 1 in Atlanta.  This game is a lead-in, and in some ways maybe the more interesting affair.

Noob’s not exactly sure how MLS defines a “homegrown” player.  Could mean that the player is a U.S. native, or refer to anyone who came through an MLS soccer youth academy.  Or both, or neither, or involve some other variable.  Think I’m on the right track though, roughly.

They’ll be taking on UANL Tigres Under-20 team, their Mexican league’s champions.   This is matchup is part of a broad, multi-year partnership effort between America and Mexico to promote and develop the youth game.

Players to watch and who have been in this before are Kellyn Acosta from FC Dallas, New York Red Bulls’ Tyler Adams, and Justen Glad who plays for Real Salt Lake.   (8:30 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1    Mexican kid got a red card at 78′, just a minute after his team got the equalizer.

Image result for Lil Jon soccer

 

So long, from Noob and ATL soccer fan Lil Jon.

A-what?  Okay.

’10 to Track’ Weekend Edition (6/23-24) soccer matches – World Cup, Isle of Sodor Cup, MLS, NWSL y mas!

Join Noob for ten of the most important soccer matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.  And for my on-site, seemingly exclusive online coverage of the inaugural Isle of Sodor Cup!

Saturday

  1. South Korea vs. Mexico – FIFA World Cup

South Korea lost their first match to Sweden here in Group, while Mexico stunned Germany 1-0.  They are ranked 57th and 15th in the world, respectively.

South Korea have a central midfielder who’s been playing for English Premier club Swansea City –Ki Sung-yeung.  Mexico may well decide to attack more from the edges so he’s not such a factor.

Mexico’s goal in Game One game from Hirving Lozano.  Can he strike again?

There you have it, Noobites!   Snack-sized preview to get you at least through water cooler chat.  noob will not have hurt feelings if you know go in search of even deeper pre-game analysis.  I’m going to certainly.  We learn, we grow.   (11:00 AM Eastern, Fox, Telemundo)

RESULT:   1-2   Mexico      No one is quite through or quite out yet, but these two are nearly so

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B.  New York Red Bulls vs. FC Dallas – MLS

Dallas have pulled into a tie for 1st place in the West with Kansas City.  Their five-match win streak is surely impressive.  It’s worth noting that the road wins have come against softer teams, because NYRB ain’t one.

Red Bulls bring the heat like anyone outside of Atlanta Utd.  They’re in 4th in the Eastern Conference, and have played one to three matches fewer than all the clubs ahead of them.  It’s strange.  They struggle some against teams from their region (except NYCFC), lay waste to most others.  If you like trends, put your money on the home side today.   (6:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Red Bulls   3-0

Image result for letter B money

 

 

 

Number B, you are so money.

  1. LAFC vs. Columbus Crew – MLS

Our MLS undercard is hardly that as the conferences’ #3’s face off.

LAFC’s one recent league win was against league lowbies San Jose, and they needed two goals in the 90’ to achieve that much (3-4).

Columbus haven’t won since May, yet have mostly earned draws since that time to keep them well afloat in the table.  Their superb goalkeeping was bound to come back to earth a little after an amazing spring stretch. Can Zach Steffen recapture the magic?   (10:30 PM, ESPN+)

  1. Seattle Reign vs. North Caroline Courage – NWSL

It’s #B versus #1!   That will always have a certain luster.  Yet make no mistake, Seattle is a big underdog at home to the locomotive that is NCC.  The league’s only about a dozen games in and the Courage already lead by 11 points in the table.

Still, Seattle hasn’t conceded a goal in three straight matches, and NCC actually let lowly Houston draw with them their last match.

RESULT:   Courage   1-4

Image result for lost luster funny

 

 

Umm…thanks, Chuck!

  1. Junction & Sheds vs. Killdane – Isle of Sodor Cup

Junction & Sheds (Knapford) aren’t expected to be quite as strong as Knapford Town in the inaugural IoS Premier League coming in a few months, but they’ll be plenty competitive.  They’re one of three teams here in Group G with three points, so simply getting a draw today would hardly guarantee them advancement to the Knockout Round.

Killdane already knocked of a future Premier side in Ulfstead, so they won’t be intimidated.  Perhaps they should be though.  J&S won that first match of theirs by a Cup-largest margin of seven goals (1-8).  Killdane are expected to be a midtable side in the Second Division.

RESULT:   Killdane   1-5!     All of Group G is knotted up at three points apiece with just a match to go each.

Sunday

  1. England vs. Panama – FIFA World Cup

#55 FIFA-ranked Panama needs at least a draw to stay alive in Group G.  A win would guarantee #12 England advancement to the Knockout Round, though they’d need a big one to pass Denmark on goal differential for the Group lead.

England had a sensational first half against Tunisia, likely should’ve won by more than 1-2 as they did.   In all recent major tournaments, they struggle early and often, so “The Three Lions” are thrilled to have a W already.

Panama played a very, very physical style against Belgium, leaving things tied 0-0 at the half before Belgium solved them for a 3-0 win.  England should handle them, but this will be a different challenge presented.

Oh, and England’s coach dislocated his shoulder somehow.   And there you have it!  Mini-preview to get you through water cooler chat-level convo for tomorrow’s biggest WC match.  Now go, be free!  Explore more in-depth pregame schtuff if you are so inclined.  Noob will.  We’re all learning.   8:00 AM Eastern, FS1, Telemundo)

RESULT:   England   6-1

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  1. Atlanta United vs. Portland Timbers – MLS

Atlanta are perhaps the best team in all the league, and currently sit atop the Eastern Conference.  There can be little doubt Portland are the hottest team.  They had a rough start to 2018, but are now unbeaten in ten straight and are 6th in the West.

It’s the defense that’s got both clubs in playoff slots in the table.  The back lines are key for both sides.  Neither goalkeeper is in the top ten in saves, but ATL’s Brad Guzan has more in today’s matchup.  He played nine seasons in the English Premier League.  Can he keep a clean sheet today?   (4:30 PM, Fox)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Kirk Ronan vs. Dryaw – Isle of Sodor Cup

Cabalnoo lead Group B, stunningly, are the only one of the four with a win.  All others have ties here, so if either can win this match outright today, we have a real race on our hands.

Dryaw had a weird, scoreless match with Norramby in their first and only match so far.  Defense isn’t a very Sudric thing in football.  Even given that, the ten goals Kirk Ronan conceded against Cabalnoo still has our heads shaking.  Perhaps at home the larger Churchmen club can right things.

RESULT:   Kirk Ronan   4-3

Image result for unique church isle of man

 

Eeriest B&B in the world might be the original Ronan church (“kirk”) where Noob is staying.

  1. Kairat Almaty vs. Astana – Kazakhstan Premier

#B versus #1!   And in a way it’s even tighter.  Kairat Almaty are only five points behind the traditional league power and they’ve played two fewer games.  More, they’ve only lost once.  Astana has already taken two L’s.

Still, Noob’s not ready to call this one for the home team.  Astana would feel fine about a draw and can control the ball enough to get it.

RESULT:   Astana   1-2

  1. BATE Borisov vs. Shakhtyor Soligorsk – Belarus Premier

BATE is the historic great from this domestic lead, and they’re #1 again now.  But #4 Soligorsk have the best defense in the league.  BATE have to be favored, especially at home – and with the best offense to boot.  Still, this could end up the surprise upset of leagues today.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for Barysaw strange

 

 

If Noob weren’t in Kirk Ronan, Sodor for the Cup, I’d be saying, “So long from beautiful Barysaw, Belarus!”

’10 to track’ Weekend Edition soccer matches (6/9-10) – so much ‘Muricuh!

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – have red, white and blue all over them this weekend.  Both US Nationals teams are in play, and there are a hot bunch of league matches stateside.   Ogle the previews with a hand over your Noobite heart.

  1. France vs. U.S.A. – friendly

The USMNT has scheduled themselves a nice little sequence for the late spring and early summer.  Bolivia was a team they should beat, Ireland then was a team with whom they were roughly on par, and now they get a severe test with #7 FIFA-ranked France.

Bolivia they beat, Ireland was a close but competitive loss.  And all this is colored by the fact that they’re playing many younger guys since they didn’t qualify for World Cup.  Meanwhile, France will likely be playing their WC starting lineup, tuning up for the start in Russia in a few days.   (3:00 PM Eastern, ESPN)

RESULT:   1-1     Not at all bad for basically an American U23 side

Image result for way too America funny

 

 

 

Muricuh!!

 

B.  Northern Cyprus vs. Karpatalja – ConIFA World Cup

The Final!  Search keyword “ConIFA” on the front page of this site hit the last few posts that have mentioned this organization and event.  The first one will have more detail, though you can also visit ConIFA.org.

After a first Knockout round blowout of host organization Barawa (8-0), Padania gave them all they could handle before succumbing 2-3.  Late fill-in entrant Karpatalja have surprised and then some.  They beat Szekely Land 4-2 to earn their shot at the hardware.

This event as been so exciting for me to follow.  In my endeavor to learn more about the soccer world, this event has led me to learn a lot more about the world in general.  Noob and Noobite we may be, but we may end up more learned than veteran fans.

RESULT:   Karpatalja   0-0  /  3-2 pk     The Turkish nationals and emigrants almost certainly made it a home field advantage for Northern Cypress, but late fill-in entrant Karpatalja is your champion – congrats!

Image result for letter B is best

 

 

Number B gives the finalists and all ConIFA his approval!

  1. NYCFC vs. Atlanta United – MLS

#B hosts #1 in the oh-so-tough Eastern Conference.

NYCFC is coming off a harrowing loss to New York Red Bulls in the U.S. Open Cup – a 4-0 drubbing.  Atlanta, too, has been a little up and down in recent matches.  But they took care of business against USL’s Richmond in the Cup and got a solid enough win over Philly at home before that.

Oddly, both have struggled at home, at least compared to what one might expect.  Could that actually mean advantage: Atlanta?  (12:30 PM, ESPN+, Fox Sports Southwest)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Columbus Crew vs. New York Red Bulls – MLS

As solid a season as they’re having, the big story with the Crew is still whether or not their owner is moving them to Austin.  The most recent word was surprisingly a nudge in favor of them staying on Ohio.  The owner wants a bunch of money spent by Austin and folks there aren’t looking ready to pony up.

The Crew are in 3rd, hosting #4 NYRB.  Columbus hasn’t lost since April but a lot of draws (including three straight) have kept them from the top of the table.   (5:00 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for funny Columbus Crew fans

 

Bandito kerchief-wearing, wrong-color Iron Man says the Crew should stay in Columbus.

  1. Portland Timbers vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

Now we head out West to see two scalding-hot sides, #’s 5 and 1 in the table.  Neither have lost in about two months.  Both find success riding their defenses, so this may not be the most exciting match for we laypeople to watch live, but it will be an important one nonetheless.   (3:30 PM, ESPN+, ROOT Sports Northwest)

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Denmark vs. Mexico – friendly

More World Cup calisthenics!  FIFA-ranked #12 hots #15.

it’s weird to read and hear from so many pundits and personalities in media that rooting for Mexico in the World Cup as an American is a bad thing.  Noob says anything that gets us watching – whether cheering for or against Mexico – is a very good thing.

Me?  Costa Rica.  Why?  Other than they’re in CONCACAF, not sure.  Maybe it’s because they’re right next to the US world ranking.   (2:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Denmark   2-0

Image result for costa rica funny

 

 

 

Thanks?

  1. Sacramento Republic vs. Phoenix Rising – USL

Tied for #B.  We need more Number B!

In the West, everyone is chasing Noob-dreaded “royal”/Real Monarchs SLC.  Phoenix looks like the far more likely candidate to make a push.  They have the top offense in the conference, and that’s really saying something when one considers Reno (record-breaking O last year).

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Atletico Nacional vs. Tolima – Colombia Premier

The Apertura (first half-season) Final, the second leg!

Atletico Nacional won the first match of this two-legged tie 0-1.  They won the Apertura regular season, had the best defense in the league, and were a mite better on offense than Tolima.  There’s not a lot of reason to think Tolima can make up a deficit on the road here.

RESULT:   Tolima   1-2      An Atletico player got a red card at the end of the game, and then Tolima scored the winning goal!   That made the aggregate 2-2, and then Tolima went on to win the title 2-4 in penalties. 

Image result for tiburon willy gif

 

Noob thinks the gal-mascot pertains to Tolima. 

Whether or no, good LAWD.

  1. Tunisia vs. Spain – friendly

#21 and Africa’s top-rated national team takes on the world #10 in a tuneup before they head to Russia

Spain may have only managed a draw against Switzerland, but those guys are a top-10 team themselves.  And it’s hard to forget how they ran absolutely roughshod over world power Argentina 6-1 the match before.

Tunisia continue to rack up non-losses. though the level of competition hasn’t been treeeemendous.

RESULT:   Spain   0-1

Sunday, 6/11

  1. Canadia vs. Germany – women’s friendly

Just a friendly, yes.  but these are the 3rd and 4th-ranked squads in the world.  Certainly a possible final or semifinal matchup preview.  The lofty number aside, neither has had much success against their peers of late, though Germany did beat the French side two attempts ago.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for Hamilton Ontario funny

 

 

So long from Hamilt– GAH!!!

*pees self*

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches (6/5-7) – ConIFA World Cup leads the way

Noob will dole out the Midweek featured matches piecemeal, day by day.  The footyball, it teases you, Noobites.  Tantalizes.

To learn a bit more about ConIFA, scroll down the last couple three posts.  Or visit them at ConIFA.org.

Tuesday

  1. Karpatalja vs. Cascadia – ConIFA World Cup

Karpatalja didn’t initially qualify for the event, but ended up replacing late dropout Feldivek (from Romania, representing the Hungarian minority there).  Yet they won their Group, finishing ahead of good Northern Cypress and Abkhazia sides.

Karpatalja also represent a Hungarian minority, but in the Ukraine.  They are not ranked in the posted top thirteen.

RESULT:   Karpatalja   3-1     Cascadia isn’t done playing though, as teams which lose get moved down into what they call “placement matches”.   Nice that they may the knockout stage in their first-ever trip to WC.

Image result for Karpatalja football

 

 

Gotta be honest – the upright animal with the tongue out is creeping Noob out.

B.  Louisville FC vs. New England Revolution – U.S. Open Cup

‘Muricuh’s FA Cup has reached its Fourth Round, where the MLS big boys come out to play.

These are single Knockout matches, and USL’s reigning champ had the good fortune to draw their Major League team on their own pitch.  Noob thinks they’ll still be doing well to earn a draw at home over 90’+, send it to penalties.  The winner here takes on the winner of the New York Derby next — NYCFC vs. Red Bulls.

RESULT:   Louisville   3-2      Upset City!

Image result for Letter B playing

Number B has also come out to play.

Sneaky Number B — are you for the Cavs or Warriors?

 

 

Wedesnday

  1. New York Red Bulls vs. NYCFC – U.S. Open Cup

The return of the New York derby!  It’s quite possible one of these two will win the whole shebang.  They currently rank #4 and #B in the MLS Eastern Conferences.

NYRB had been on fire until a loss at New England Revolution in their last league match.  NYCYC have been more up and down of late, will need to keep their defense buttoned down to have a shot.  It’s been a bit suspect at times this year.

RESULT:   NYRB   4-0

  1. Houston Dynamo vs. NTX Rayados – U.S. Open Cup

Welcome back to the Track, NTX!   This is the one true remaining minnow left in the tournament, an amateur team out of the North Texas Premier League.

To get this far, NTX have beaten a couple of tier-four teams and one from the USL (the admittedly awful OKC energy).  Today, obviously, they take a big step up in competition.

Houston has lost two league matches in a row, and one to the woeful Impact from Montreal.  Still, the Rayados would be doing well to keep this within two goals.

RESULT:   HOU   5-0      NTX kept the match scoreless for the first half

 

Rayados celebrate their first goal against Wichita in the Third Round

  1. The Strongest vs. Jorge Wilstermann – Bolivia Premier

Es deja vú toda de neuvo.  The Apertura (first half-season) Final of home and away matches between these two ended in a 3-3 aggregate draw.  Instead of penalty kicks, they’re playing again!

This final Final match will be held at a neutral site, in Sucre.  JW were the stronger team (pun intended) during the regular season.  Hard not to see them as the favorite here.

RESULT:   JW   2-2  /  2-3  PK      Congrats to the champs!

  1. Johor Darul Ta’zim vs. Pahang – Malaysia Super League

A few days ago, we featured a 1-2 match from this league.  JDT were and are #1.  It was written here that then-#B Perak had been overachieving, and it is proving to be true.  It was also posted that Pahang were the real second-best team in the league, and now they’re there.  What Noobstradamus sees comes to pass, never doubt, heathen Noobites!

Still, no one scores on Johur.  They’re not losing at home to anyone.

RESULT:   JDT   1-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

A Malaysian proverb says one should “not use an axe to embroider“.

I…lost my train of thought.  This doesn’t seem soccer-relevant now.  

 

Thursday

  1. USA vs. China – women’s friendly

‘Muricuh!!   #1!  USA!  Too many exclamation points!  The USWNT is already in for the 2019 WC by virtue of representing the host nation.

China are ranked #17 in the world, are about the 5th-best in Asia.  By finishing in the top three of the 2014 Asia Cup, they’ve already gained a berth for the final World Cup qualifying stage of the current version.  (Asia Cup is the WC qualifying determiner there.)   (9:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   USA   1-0

  1. Northern Cyprus vs. Padania – ConIFA World Cup

Semifinal action!  Northern Cyprus lambasted the host team – Barawa – 8-0 last round.  Padania topped Panjab 2-0.  Peruse posts from the last few days to learn more about this event, or hit ConIFA.org.

RESULT:   Northern Cyprus   3-2

Funny banana man in Northern Cypress restaurant is not worried about the #MeToo movement.  He’s gonna dance with whomever.

9.  Wales vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – women’s World Cup qualification (UEFA)

This tournament is in its second Group Stage.  35 teams have been divided into seven pods of five each.  They will play double round-robins in each.  The Group winners make the WC, while the top four second-best finishers will have a playoff for one more berth.

Wales is FIFA-ranked #34.  They’re #B in their Group, just two points behind England with three matches to play.  B&H are #57, are far enough back that they cannot win the Group.  They could still make second, but it’s going to require quite the run.

RESULT:   Wales   1-0

  1. England vs. Costa Rica – friendly

#13 hosts #25 in the World as they both prepare for World Cup.  England’s national team hasn’t lost in nearly a year, riding the back of their defense.  Still, for some reason, many a pundit doesn’t think they’ll make it out of the Group Stage in Russia.

Costa Rica has recently beaten Scotland and Northern Ireland, but lost to Tunisia in between.   They’re kinda-sorta Noob’s team to cheer for with the U.S. not in it.  Muricuhns are so torn on whether or not to root for rival Mexico, so why not the next-best CONCACAF side?   (3:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   England   2-0

Image result for Leeds England weirdos

 

 

 

So long from Leeds, West Yorkshire, England!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (6/2) – ConIFA World Cup is on! Plus MLS, FIFA friendlies

The FIFA World Cup begins in less than two weeks.  You’re here, you knew.

But there’s another soccer organization in the world called ConIFA.  They are the Confederation of Independent Football Associations.  Smaller, newer nations, stateless peoples, diaspora, underrepresented minorities… check out ConIFA.org for more specifics.

16 teams are competing in London.  In this opening stage, four groups of four teams each play each other in a round-robin.  Top two finishers move on to the Knockout Stage.  Each team has played one game already, and the third games will follow in just a day or two.  This event moves fast, probably for cost-reasons.

Do these matches necessarily fit into Noob’s ‘ten most important matches’ mantra?  Arguably at best.  But though Noob and Noobite we may be, this space has always also been devoted to exploring soccer worldwide.  These teams and the areas they come from are fascinating.

We start the Track there.

  1. Barawa FA vs. Cascadia – ConIFA World Cup

So where and what is Cascadia?  The team consists of players from Oregon, Washington, and British Columbia.  The players are largely U.S. tier-four players and some that play several levels down the soccer pyramid in England.   They are unranked with ConIFA, though members.

There exists a Cascadia Independence movement for the three to become their own country.  Two of the big reasons are bioregionalism and not feeling best served by eastern federal governments.

Barawa is a city in southern Somalia.  Barawa FA however, represents the Somali diaspora in England.  The organization has as part if its mission developing football in Barawa city.  Noob doesn’t have the impression there’s any active movement regarding the Somali city and independence.  This team also has many players in intermediate and lowers levels in England.

Bawara is 11th in the organization world rankings.  They won their first match 4-0.  Cascadia is not ranked, lost their first match 1-4.

RESULT:  Cascadia   1-2

Image result for Cascadia soccer

 

 

 

Check out those awesome Cascadia soccer Doug-socks!

 B.  Panjab vs. Western Armenia – ConIFA World Cup

Panjab is a team representing the Punjabi diaspora in England.  They won their first match 8-0 and are the #1-ranked team in ConIFA.

Western Armenia refers to a region of eastern Turkey.  The indigenous people there were largely moved or exterminated a century ago roughly.  Armenia currently claims no rights to the region, but there is a revolutionary party there that would.  Their 10th-ranked side earned a draw against the excellent United Koreans of Japan team in their first match.

RESULT:  WA   0-1

Image result for Panjab London

  1. Northern Cyprus vs. Tibet – ConIFA World Cup

Northern Cyprus is considered – by other than Turkey – to be a de facto and puppet state.  All other nations regard the nation of Cyprus to be the whole island.  The Turkish military protects the Northern area.  FIFA member nations are not allowed to play them.  They are 3rd-ranked, yet only managed a draw in their first match against unranked and late fill-in team Karpatalja.

Tibet, well, you probably know a fair bit about Tibet and China.  If not, do some reading from a more specifically knowledgeable source than this old hack blogger.  It is interesting to note that some of the players live in exile due to the political situation.  They lost their first match 0-3, are ranked #13.

RESULT:  NC   3-1

  1. Padania vs. Tuvalu – ConIFA World Cup

Padania is considered by those who recognize it as the Po Valley in Italy, or a region of northern and some of central Italy.  There is a political party (Lega Nord) that favors independence, but the sentiment doesn’t seem to run strongly with most of the populace.  Their representative football team is ranked 2nd, comprised largely of fourth-division Italian players and below.  They won their first match 6-1.

Tuvalu has tried to get into FIFA, but the primary issue seems to be the lack of a single regulation pitch that meets standards.  They are ranked 33rd in ConIFA, lost their first match 0-4.

RESULT:  Padania 8-0

Image result for padania map

  1. Ireland vs. USA – friendly

Neither is going to World Cup, but it’s another chance to see how the young players on the USMNT can do.  Ireland just got housed by France a couple days ago.  The two are ranked #34 and #21 by FIFA.

RESULT:  Ireland   2-1

  1. Dallas vs. LAFC – MLS

#B hosts #3 in the West.  Dallas is tied with Sporting Kansas City for the conference’s best defense, while expansion LAFC is tied with KC for the second-best offense.  No wonder KC is #1…   Dallas haven’t lost since late April, while LAFC hasn’t won since early May.  They racked up all those goals early in the season.

RESULT:  Dallas   2-1

Image result for Dallas funny

 

 

Ummmm…..

  1. NYCFC vs. Orlando City – MLS

The Eastern Conference is finally seeing some justice.  Noob and The Management-reviled Swamp City Orlando has lost three straight!  Choke on ‘em, mice-men.  Bad urban planning is never rewarded.  They’re still in the playoff picture at #5 for now.  Hopefully #3 NYCFC can stop their own lesser struggles with a resounding W today.   (7:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 10)

RESULT:   NYC   3-0

  1. Mexico vs. Scotland – friendly

FIFA #15 Mexico has stepped up its level of opponents the last two matches, and it hasn’t gone so well.  They drew against Wales and lost to Croatia.  Scotland is ranked just 34th in the world, should represent a chance for “El Tri” to get a win and some confidence heading into Russia.   (9:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:  Mexico   1-0

Image result for Scottish hooligans funny

Relevant?  Not really.  Does Noob require relevance?  *bonnnnnggg*

  1. England vs. Nigeria – friendly

Many a pundit seem to think #13 England won’t even make it out of the World Cup group stage.  They can’t seem to score a lick, but their goal-defense is astounding.  They haven’t lost a match in their last seven.

Nigeria is WC-bound as well.  They’re ranked just 47th, have lost two of three as the tournament looms.  It appears they won’t have the offensive firepower to get out of the group stage.   (12:15 PM, Fox Deportes, Fox Soccer Plus)

RESULT:  England   2-1

  1. Johor Darul Ta’zim vs. Perak – Malaysia Super Liga

We conclude the Track with #1 vs. #B, as should be!  Does it matter that it’s from a league that’s not even quite in the top quarter of associations in Asia?  It does not.

JDT have opened up a seven-point lead in the table by virtue of an absolutely stifling defense.  They’ve allowed just five goals in a dozen games – twice as good as the next best.  Perak can put it in the net, but play only middling D.  3rd-place Pahang is better.  At home, JDT should take this by two goals.

RESULT:  Johor  2-0

Image result for Johor Bahru

 

 

So long from Johor Bahru!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday (5/25) – football and frequent flier miles!

TGIGF!

Passport?  Check.  Miniature toothpaste and shaving cream?  Check.  Match day tickets for around the planet!  You BETCHA.

As always on Fridays, we take advantage of a lighter day in the worlds’ schedules and Trot the Globe!  We start close to home, then jetset off to footyball hinterlands of wonder.  Strap in, Noobites.

  1. Houston Dynamo vs. NYCFC – MLS

Jesus Medina – assist leader NYCFC, Paraguay, 19 y/o

Two really good offensive teams face off in the best of the three league matches slated for tonight.  The West’s #6 hosts Eastern Conference #B NYCFC.

The visitors have actually run a touch hot and cold their last few games.   Noob thinks the key player to watch will be team assist-leader Jesus Medina.  He’s only 19, a Paraguayan national.  If The Blues can’t control the game from the middle of the field, they’re going home without a result.    (8:55 PM Eastern, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Houston   3-1

Image result for jesus medina

 

 

Noob found so many photos like this.  Medina yells a lot.

B.  Ottawa Fury vs. Bethlehem Steel – USL

Ottawa is one of the clubs that came over from the now-almost-defunct NASL.  They’ve struggled, though in truth they hadn’t been very good previously, either.

Bethlehem just sneaked into the playoffs last year as the #8 seed.  They’re were and are very balanced.  They’ve one their last two matches, and an easier stretch of their season continues tonight in Canadia.

RESULT:   Ottawa   1-0    The Fury scores in the 1st minute, and that ended that.

Image result for canadian alphabet funny

 

 

Number B, is that very polite?

  1. Copenhagen vs. Aarhus – Danish Superliga

it’s a Final!  Of sorts.  The winner of this match – a home one for Copenhagen – is awarded entry into  Europa League.

This league divided into championship and Relegation subdivisions.   Copenhagen finished 4th place of six on the former, and so lands here.  Aarhus finished best of those clubs in the Relegation group.

RESULT:   Copenhagen   4-1

  1. Kuwait vs. Egypt – international friendly

The World Cup starts soon, so this is a tuneup for Africa’s #1 national team.  Kuwait is FIFA-ranked #160 in the world, and down around the bottom third mark in Asia.

RESULT:   1-1

The starting eleven for Kuwait pose for a group picture

 

Smile, Kuwaitis!   You’re about to get unceremoniously drubbed.

  1. Kenya vs. Swaziland – international friendly

Neither of these two is headed to World Cup.  Kenya is the better side, being in the CAF published top-18 rankings.  Swaziland didn’t make this year’s, but are on that list for 2019.

RESULT:   Swayzeland (it should be!)   0-1

  1. Pakhtakor vs. Bunyodkor – Uzbekistan Super League

Anywhere in the world, #1 versus #B is always a treasure!  And this is even in a Noob-surprising top ten league in Asia.   They finished #3 and #4 last season, respectively. They’re about a third of the way through the 2018 season now.  Pakhtakor are a bit better on both sides of the ball.

Fun Fact:   Pakhtakor are one of three clubs based in the nation’s capital of Tashkent.  The city name translate to “cotton-grower”.

RESULT:   P’town   1-0

Image result for Tashkent cotton fair

 

 

Over 40 countries have come to this.

  1. Police vs. KCCA – Uganda Premier

KCCA are tied for #B with the league season in its final stretch.  Vipers are just five points ahead of them in the table.  If the two points KCCA were deducted earlier this year for some sort of naughtiness or other, they’re going to be displeased.

KCCA have the league’s best offense, while midtable-Police have one of the worst defenses.  If KCCA wants to make a move on the top spot, this road win is gettable and necessary.

Fun Fact:   Police play out of national capital Kampala, which means “hills of the impala” (antelope).

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Kopetdag vs. Sagadam – Turkmenistan Yokary Liga

The Yokary is a perfectly average Asian league.  Kopetdag are just 7th place of the eight teams.  Sagadam, are #B, just a point out of the league lead with two thirds of the season remaining.  Great chance for Sagadam to get three road points, as they score like crazy and Kopetdag don’t succeed in stopping much of anyone.

Fun Fact:   Kopetdag are from the country’s capital – Ashgabat, which can mean “city of love”, or perhaps “city of devotion”.

RESULT:   Kopetdag   3-0     upset!

Image result for kopetdag fk

 

Kopetdag Stadium – shiny!

  1. Da Nang vs. Binh Duong – Vietnam V.League 1

They’re just eight games into the season here, but Ha Noi is already starting to run away with things.  #3 Binh Duong will have to shore up their defense if they want to have a chance at closing the game with the frontrunners.  Mid-table Da Nang isn’t impressive in that regard, either, so this match could turn into a shootout.

Fun Fact:   The city of Da Nang has had many names over the years.  Nearly all have been a reference to the Han River.  The current name means “opening of a large river”.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Welwalo Adigrat University vs. Mekelle Kenema – Ethiopia Premier

Ethiopia’s top flight is the last league in the CAF top-18 continental ranking.  They just expanded from 16 to 22 teams this season.  This is likely the only reason W.A.U. is in it.  Currently, they’re in position to be one of three teams to get Relegated back to the country’s second-tier Super League.

Kenema have played one fewer match then the two teams ahead of them in the table, and trail by just a point.  With about two third of the season gone, this should be a dramatic finish for the league’s only berth into the CAF Champions League.   Welwalo won’t score on them.  Most teams don’t much.

RESULT:   WAU   1-0    more upsetness!

Fun Fact:   Agridat is an alternate name of Agrabah.  You may recall the city from the Aladdin movie that starred the late Robin Williams as the voice of the genie.

The Management here.  Pardon my interruption, but Noob is full of it once again.  Agrabah was and is not a real place.  If it was modeled after any particular locale, it would be one in the Middle East, not Africa in all likelihood.

So it’s coincidence that the league #1 is “Jimma Aba Jifar”?

Yes, you asshat, it’s —

Image result for genie and Jafar

 

 

So long from Agrabah!

 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (5/13) – led by MLS double-feature!

The ten most important soccer matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow.   For all the rampant caaamedy, there’s actual football nougat inside this candy bar!   Come, savor it, Noobites.

  1. Orlando City vs. Atlanta United – MLS

The Management and Noob shake our collective fist at you, Orlando City!   Constructing a city on a swamp is the worst idea ever, but footyball facts are undeniable.  The #3 team in the East is en fuego.  They’ve won six consecutive matches, including an impressive 4-3 win over New York Red Bulls.

Can Atlanta rekindle their fire after a road loss to Western #1 Sporting Kansas City?  Probably!  They’re #1 for a reason.

Noobstradamus Sees:   MLS #1-ranked (tied with Tim Howard, COL) Brad Guzan standing on his head today and shutting down The Orlando City Lions Bad Urban Planners.   ATL 0-2.

RESULT:   ATL   1-2.   Any man alive were Orlando fans upset at the end of that one.  Throwing bottles all over the field.  Stay classy, central Florida.

Image result for bad urban planning funny

 

 

 

Orlando, FL Urban Planning Office

B.  LAFC vs. NYCFC – MLS

The Alphabet Soup Derby – could it catch on as a moniker?  Noobites, let’s get this silliness done.  Today, it’s a battle of #B’s, too.  They’re both second place in their respective divisions.

LAFC has been so impressive for a first-year expansion club.  Uruguayan national Diego Rossi is their big goal-scorer to have an eye on.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that the early season crown of being #1 lay too heavy on the heads of NYCFC.  They’ve lost two of three, including an 0-4 curbstomping by NY Red Bulls.  Momentum.  LAFC 1-0.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for letter B swarm

 

 

No need to fear Number B’s.

Unless you like Number Two.

Then you shall feel the stinging wrath!

3.  Toluca vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

Tijuana mildly surprised by winning the first leg of this postseason Liguilla semifinal, 2-1.  Going to ten-time champions Toluca’s house today is another matter entirely though.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …the defensive battle I thought the first leg would be.  Toluca 1-0, with a goal just before the half.

RESULT:   Toluca   4-1   They advance!

  1. Newcastle United vs. Chelsea – English Premier

Chelsea really screwed the pooch last match, drawing lowly Hudderfield come to their stadium and achieve a draw.  Now they’re two points behind Liverpool for 4th and the league’s final Champions League berth.  To be fair, they’d been on a five-win tear right before that.

Newcastle seem to have thrown in the towel on the season two weeks ago, losing four straight.  But all Liverpool need to hang on to 4th is a draw at home against the Brighton & Hove Albion Nobodies.  (Nickname verified.)

(The Management here:  Nickname verified as false, asshat.)

Noobstadamus Sees:  Trouble brewing at the office between me and The Management.  Let’s rumble!

RESULT:   Newcastle   3-0     And The Management and Noob ended up doing a test run of a movie review podcast, so all is well.

Image result for fighting with management funny

 

 

 

Quarter neither asked nor given, The Management!!

  1. Maritimo vs. Sporting CP – Primeira Liga

Things are looking grim, if not impossible, for Sporting CP and their CL aspirations.  Portugal’s league gets two berths.  They’re tied for #B, but down insurmountably on goal differential.  And today they get a reasonably tough test on the road at #7 Maritimo.  Far worse, Benfica (fellow #B) have a gimme against low-run Moirirense at home.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  …Europa League in Sporting’s future, even with a 1-2 win today.

RESULT:   Maritimo   2-1    So it’s Europa League for Sporting CP

  1. Standard Liege vs. Club Brugge – Belgium First Division A

This has become won of the best title races in Europe!

Standard Liege just took down Anderlecht, now get their shot at the #1 club.  But they trail by four points in the table, and there’s just one league match to be played after this.  This is must-win for SL regarding title hopes.  Of more concern might be that they’re only ahead of Anderlecht by a point for the second and only other CL invite.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …that Standard Liege has been unbeatable since the league split into championship and relegation subdivisions.  They ratchet up the high drama with a 4-2 win today!

RESULT:   1-1     And so, congrats to Club Brugge, your 2017-18 league champion!

Image result for stoner drama funny

 

 

There may be confusion about “high drama”.

  1. Nurnburg vs. Fortuna Dusseldorf – 2. Bundeliga

For the league title!  So what if it’s second-tier.  This still may well be one of the top-half quality leagues in Europe.

These two are tied and this is the last match of the season.  Someone in charge of scheduling knew what they were doing a year ago!  Nurnburg lead on GD, so FD has to have the win to get the hardware.   But they’re both Promoted to Bundesliga next year, so they’’ll probably go out drinking together afterwards no matter what happens.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …hangovers for everyone!

RESULT:   Dusseldorf   2-3    The game-winner at 90′!   Kudos, champions.

  1. Motagua vs. Marathon – Honduras National League

The Final!  Leg one anyway.  They were #B and #1 in the Clausura (second-half) regular season, deservedly made it through the postseason bracket to duke it out here.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that, once again, defense travels!  0-1 Marathon.  They’ve the best in the country.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for honduran military funny

 

Honduran defense confused by clown.

It doesn’t HAVE to make sense.  This is Noob.

  1. Saprissa vs. Alajuense – Costa Rica Premier

It’s the last game of the season, and these two are tied in the “Quadrangular”.  The top four from the Clausura regular season have been playing a double round robin.  Saprissa leads on GD, so Alajuense must win on the road to net the title.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Saprissa taking the title, 2-0.   Saprissa are one of North America’s sneaky-best clubs.

RESULT:   1-1  

  1. Corinthians vs. Palmeiras – Brazil Serie A

They’re only a few matches into the season in Brazil, so Noob features last seasons #1 and #B titans facing off!

RESULT:   Corinthians   1-0

Bonus matches:   #1 and league champ Celtic are hosting #B Aberdeen in Scotland.  Also, I’ll offer The Management an olive branch after the earlier rumbling and mention that #2 FC Tokyo is hosting #3 Consadole Sapporo in J1 League.  Happy?

Image result for sao paulo odd

 

 

 

So long from Sao Paulo!

’10 to Track’ for Saturday (5/5) – MLS goodies and Liga MX Liguilla lead the way

Ah, the weekend!  Where Noob takes his soccer coverage (comparatively) seriously).

Let’s dig right into the ten best matches for us – the newish American fans of the game – to follow.  Commence!

  1. LAFC vs. FC Dallas – MLS

Which will be the better expansion club in their first season – LAFC or the NHL’s Golden Knights?  LAFC are #B in the Western Conference while Dallas lurk in 4th, just three points behind.   (1:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:  Dallas   0-1    Defense travels, and Dallas has the best in the West.

RESULT:   1-1

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No defense for this in Dallas…

 

B.  New York Red Bulls vs. NYCFC – MLS

It’s Hudson River Derby.   That’s cool.  Not as cool as Hudson River School, but cool.

#6 hosts #1 in the East.  Red Bulls score just about as much as their hosts today, and are just as good on defense.

Noobstradamus Sees:   NYRB   3-2     And every goal will be scored in the second half.  *bonnngggg*   (10:00 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   NYRB   4-0

Image result for hudson river school

 

 

Noob- where footyball and art history collide.

 

  1. Monterrey vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

It’s a Quarterfinal in the Liguilla.  #3 Monterrey achieved a draw in the first leg, 1-1, can now take care of business at home.  Tijuana finished the regular season 6th.

Noobstradamus Sees:   An upset!   Once again, defense travels.  Tijuana goalie Gibran Lajud stands on his head, and time ends with 0-0.   Then the Xolos take it in pk’s!

RESULT:   Tijuana   1-2    Los Xolos advance to the Semis!

  1. Sporting vs. Benfica – Primeira Liga

These two are tied for #B in Portugal, and only two will get invited to Champions League – high drama!

They look about the same on paper.  They trail #1 Porto by five in the table.  Someone has to win to stay in the title chase.  Loser is out.  If they draw, both are likely finished.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Sporting 3-2 in a shootout!   Offensive whirlwind Bas Dost scores two for Sporting, including the game-winner.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for Bas Dost goal

 

Bas wants to know if you are entertained.  Are you not?

 

  1. Newcastle Jets vs. Melbourne Victory – Australian A-League

The Semifinals featured a stunner as league behemoth Sydney FC went down to the Jets.  Now they get to host the Final!  Melbourne V. finished 3rd in league play.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   …that this was a two-team league.  Newcastle 3-1.

RESULT:   MV   0-1    “Half your luck” to MV!  Champeeeens

  1. Slavia Prague vs. Viktoria Plzen – Czech First League

The Plzen-ers have the league title nearly wrapped up, leading #B Slavia Prague by nine points in the table with four matches to play.  S.P’s more worried about hanging onto the league’s second Champions League invite, as Olomouc are just two points away.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Plzen win 1-2 in pk!

RESULT:   Slavia Prague   2-0

  1. Beitar Jerusalem vs. Hapoel Be’er Sheva – Israeli Premier

Plzen-er?  Be’er?   Noob’s looking for a sponsor, and has no problem with it being a boozahol producer.

Since the league divided into championship and relegation subdivisions, Beitar Jerusalem have only expanded their small lead over today’s gusts.  Four matches to go, and that change in the air you feel is a changing of the guard coming.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Beitar Jerusalem 2-1

RESULT:   Be’er Sheva   1-4

Image result for you're not funny

 

 

 

Quiet, tot!  You’re not old enough to be judging my boozahol jokes.

 

  1. Trnava vs. Dunajska Streda – Slovakia First League

Three league matches to go, and Trnava lead D.S. by seven in the table.   A win today all but mathematically wraps up the title and only CL slot.

Trnava are a rare breed, as they’re winning it all without having anywhere near the league’s best offense.  And their league-leading defense isn’t that impressive on paper (20 goals given up in 29 matches).

Noobstradamus Sees:   0-0    *sad sound effect*

RESULT:   Trnava   2-0

  1. Videoton vs. Ferenczaros – Hungary NB 1

#B hosts #1 in a two-horse race for the title and only CL berth!  They’re separated by only a point in the table, and about statistically even as well.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Nothing.  I’m blocked mentally by the idea that Videoton sounds like a place where I can rent “Better Off Dead” on VHS.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Kawasaki Frontale vs. FC Tokyo – J1 League

This is a slight The Management-sop.  Not that this isn’t a quality matchup – #3 hosting #2 – but there are plenty of equally good and important matches around the globe to follow.  But The Management is a Japanophile and must be appeased.

FC Tokyo luuuhhhv a wide-open game.  Score aplenty, let the other side try and keep up.  And it’s worked to date.  Kawasaki play some amazing defense, giving up about half a goal per game average.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …having to restrain The Management to keep him out of seedy soaplands if and when we ever go East at the same time.

RESULT:   FC Tokyo   0-2

Image result for soapland police

 

Aftermath of soapland fire in Saitama, Tokyo.

Listen to the Noob.  They are bad.

Goodbye from Japan!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (4/30) – MLS rolls on, western UEFA leagues in the home stretches

Noob is here.  And he’s in effect.  Makin’ you work up a sweat…

OK, that’ll make comparatively more sense soon.

The 10 most important matches for us, the newish American fans, to follow!   Let’s push right into them.

  1. NYCFC vs. Dallas – MLS

At time of posting, NYCFC lead the Eastern Conference.  If Atlanta United come back against Montreal impact, they could be tied or in position #B.  Dallas are #3, but could get jumped by New York Red Bulls tonight.

Dallas crapped the bed the entire final stretch last season, wasting an otherwise strong season and just missed the Playoffs.  But they’re defense is stepped up and then some now; they’ve given up just three goals so far in ’18.

NYCFC can dominate on either side of the ball, will likely try to push the pace at home.

RESULT:   NYCFC   3-1

Image result for push it real good animated gif

 

 

Dare Noob say?

Push it real good.

B.  Manchester United vs. Arsenal – English Premier

It’s mathematically possible for #B Man Utd. to still fall out of the top four and miss the next Champions League.  Noob could also win Powerball and fulfill his dream of travelling by John Madden-style super-bus to the annual Scrabble tournament in Homer, Alaska.

It’s not my only dream.  But it IS a dream.

Arsenal are in 6th, locked in for Europa League.

RESULT:   Man Utd   2-1     Man U gets the winner in second half injury time!

Image result for letter B dream

 

 

 

Noob also dreams of Number B.

  1. Lyon vs. Manchester City – UEFA women’s Champions League

The first leg of the Semifinal went scoreless.  The three-time defending champions will find the back of the net at home though, win through.   It’s like American women’s college basketball.  There’s just not a lot of parity in the game yet.

RESULT:   Lyon   1-0

  1. Celtic vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Celtic just hosted Rangers two matches ago.  Weird.  Celtic lambasted them 4-0.

Anywho!  Celtic are on the edge of wrapping up the league title.  Rangers have slipped to 3rd, and could miss even Europa League if they don’t get it together.  But getting it together doesn’t happen for others at Celtic.

RESULT:   Celtic   5-0

Image result for aragorn football ranger

 

 

Wrong Ranger, wrong kit, Viggo.

  1. Galatasaray vs. Besiktas – Turkey Super Lig

Galatasaray and Fenerbahce are tied for 1st.  Besiktas and Istanbul Basaksehir are tied for 3rd.  This is going to be an epic league title finish!

And Noob is far from certain Galatasaray are going to get the story ending they want.  They’ve been inconsistent at best down the stretch.  They fare well enough against quality teams, but keep losing to garbage teams near or at the table’s bottom.

Besiktas, meanwhile, have won four straight.  But they haven’t beaten a good team since February.

RESULT:   Galatasaray   2-0

  1. Ajax vs. AZ Alkmaar – Netherlands Eredivisie

Just the top two Dutch teams get into Champions League these days.  Alkmaar are running out of time to be one.  They’re five points down in the table to Ajax for that second slot.  (And Eindhoven have already won the league.)

RESULT:   Ajax   3-0

Image result for az alkmaar funny

 

 

For-real photo of AZ goalie fighting off a charging Ajax fan.

  1. APOEL Nicosia vs. Apollon Limassol – Cyprus First Division

Cyprus?  Yip!  This league just cracked the top 20 in UEFA rankings.

APOEL took the regular season title, but Apollon Limassol has overtaken them now that the league is divided into Championship and Relegation subdivisions.  The new leaders have won five straight league matches.  Given how they’re beating teams on both offense and defense handily, they’re looking likely to hold onto the league’s lone Champions League berth.

RESULT:   APOEL   2-1   And into the lead by a point!

  1. FCSB vs. Cluj – Romania Liga I

It’s a similar story here as in Cyprus.  Cluj won the regular season battle, but FCSB have passed them in the Championship Playoffs.

It’s not like Cluj has been losing.  To anyone.  They’ve simply become a sister-kissing machine – nothing but draws of late nearly.  FCSB haven’t loss since February themselves, and have the momentum and home pitch advantage today.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for kissing machine

 

No…

 

No!

  1. LDU de Quito vs. Barcelona SC – Ecuador Serie A

Noob transitions you out of Europe with a match featuring a club named for a European club.  No sense disorienting any Noobites on a Sunday.

They’re ten games into the First Stage of the 2018-season.  #1 BSC sports the best offense and defense so far.  #B LDU de Quito will be their toughest test so far.  Only one team from Ecuador qualifies for Copa Libertadories, South America’s version of Champions League.

RESULT:   Quito   2-1

  1. Jeonbuk vs. Suwon Bluewings – South Korea K League 1

This is South Korea’s top-flight league.  Last year this was “K-League Classic”.

Defending champs Jeonbuk and #B Suwon have each lost only once nine games into this season.  Both losses were to crap teams, but right during AFC Champions League qualification.  Noob wonders if either was even playing starters.

Jeonbuk have scored the most so far, and have only allowed four goals to date.  Noob sees no reason to think Suwon will upset them at home.

RESULT:   Suwon   2-0

Image result for Jeonbuk champions