Premier League Archives - Page 3 of 11

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 29 – #1 gets road tested in the Capital

Sun., 3/9
#6 Wellsworth vs. #4 Kirk Ronan
T7 Junction & Sheds vs. #16 Brendam Utd.
#19 Tidmouth City vs. #3 Knapford Town
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. vs. #5 Crovan’s Gate

plus the Sunday Feature Match: #1 Dryaw FC face a Capital City road test

Seven points separate the ninth and tenth positions in the table. For teams still vying for an uncertain top-half finish here in the PL’s inaugural season, that means its 10th place or bust. This will probably fall to current #10 Castle Rolf or today’s hosts – Suddery FC.

#1 Dryaw opened up a four point lead with #4 Kirk Ronan, all but knocking them out of title contention. This after a February where they played solidly, but tread water at best. Will the little village that could have be able to muster up another road W? Trap-match feel workin’ here.

Image may contain: text Suddery have one win their last three matches. Goodness knows how — they’ve scored just one goal over that stretch! Their issues on offense have always ebbed and waned. They didn’t even manage three goals per match over the summer’s inaugural FA Cup.

The town of Suddery isn’t one of the two “Main Towns”, but it is the biggest one with just a single team representing it. They’re on the inland end of the Isle’s southwest peninsula, with no main town or big villages anywhere near them competing for area talent. So why aren’t SFC more successful?

Capital City Stadium, Suddery, is the home of the Sudric National Team (“The Sodor Strikers”).
Being the capital, this is the one place on the Isle where a lot of people are from somewhere else on the Isle; they bring their club allegiances with them.
More, Capital City Stadium has been home to countless tourneys and friendlies over the long pre-FA years. Transplants get to see their hometown teams in person right in town Suddery.

Everyone in Suddery loves soccer. But many only like the local FC. SFC are not the sporting heart of the community. Noob thinks that can’t help by permeate the team.

Noob calls it: Noob’s biased, as village Dryaw is Noob’s singular fave place to be on the Isle. But until SFC shows they can score, they’re not to be favored against a current top team.

1 – 5 Dryaw FC. The magical title run continues.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 29 (3/9-10) – to Vicarstown for a new derby!

Matchday 29 (Sat., 3/9) Preview (Sunday preview to follow tomorrow)

#10 Castle Rolf vs. #15 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ffarquhar vs. #2 Peel Godred
#9 Glennock vs. #12 Lakeside
#17 Ulfstead vs. T13 Marron

Plus the Saturday Feature Match: New derby time!

Throw away the records and forget their positions in the table — it’s time for a new intracity derby! Hello from Vicarstown, home of Vicarstown FC and East Coast Diesel (E.C.D.) FC. The former will host, and does play on their own separate grounds.

While the teams have played over the years, of course, this is the first time they’ve met in this inaugural Premier League season. They most recently did in last summer’s first-ever FA Cup quarterfinals. There, E.C.D. advanced with a 4-8 win.

For this year, at least, they’ve settled on the name “The Walney Channel Derby“. (And remember to say it like it looks if you ever visit. None of that “dahr-bee” foolishness flies here.) Vicarstown is the closest point on Sodor to Britain. In fact, V-town and Barrow, Cumbria, England are connected by a bridge over said channel.

Vicarstown FC are currently tied for 13th place with Marron. There only point in the last month came at Castle Rolf in a 1-1 draw. Still, the Vicars had enough success early in the season to at least have seemingly staved off any chance of Relegation. They’re eight points ahead of #18 Ffarquhar.

The Vic’s have always traveled widely throughout the Isle over the years. The Sudric style of soccer is one of offense by virtue of non-aggressive defense. This team is welcomed everywhere for perhaps best embodying that principle.

East Coast Diesel, on the other hand…are decidedly NOT popular with the masses. They do have fans everywhere, small patches in each of the biggest towns who admire their style of play. That style is anything but classic Sudric. “The Happy Hooks” play comparatively hard defense. They’ve even been known to employ slide tackles (gasp!).

Image result for east coast diesel crest They’d perhaps be even higher in the table than merely tied for 7th and out of the title chase, but they draw from a far smaller pool of players than their rivals. E.C.D. draw almost exclusively from the dieselworks part of Vicarstown. They are a surly, rough lot, and have rarely been invited anywhere over the years for friendlies or to play in loosely organised regional all-around days or tourneys. In short, they are widely considered uncouth — causers of both CONFUSION and DELAY , in football and in general.

Image result for workington afc crest Rumor has it that for years, E.C.D. has periodically ferried the channel to Barrow where they scrimmage factory teams and such. And to do some pub crawling and brawling around Cumbria. It’s been said they’ve even held their own against the Northern Premier League English seventh-tier side Workington AFC before. The Sodor FA frowns on such going forward, wanting to keep their sporting separate from the more commercial, bigger leagues of the world for now.

Match Prediction:

E.C.D. have clearly had an identity crisis all year. They’re aggressive on defense, but not as physical as was expected. Perhaps being in the new, formal FA has muted their worst aspects. But they haven’t in turn been able to score much at all of late. Vicarstown haven’t had much early spring success, but they’ve been competent on both ends of the pitch at least.

Noob calls it: VFC 4-2 The whole town seems tense over this first derby. If the players feel the same way, the first half may be played pretty deliberately, without much scoring. But I think in the end that E.C.D. need to decide next year if they’re going to play their previously trademark hard D or not. Half-assing it isn’t working as their season winds down.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 28 (3/2-3) – Title contenders down to three

Matchday 28 (3/2-3) in Review

Sunday Feature Match: ONE team got a road win today…and the magic ride keeps goin’!

And then there were three, realistically. #5 Crovan’s Gate‘s loss leaves then ten points behind the league leaders. And today’s Feature Match result saw #1 Dryaw FC obliterate #4 Kirk Ronan 3-10! At nine points back with just nine matches to go, it’s safe to call the Churchmen cooked.

Winger Christopher Wilbertson was Dryaw‘s star, as he scored a gentleman’s hat trick (a goal and two assists) in each half. After the match, Wilbertson, had this to say to Noob:

"We're neither tall nor fast.   We have to play intelligently.  Our game plan was to go for just those 50-50 balls we had an 80% chance of getting."

Dryaw is famous as a quiet vacation village for intellectuals, particularly authors. Noob knows no one else could’ve spoken or written so…eloquently about the team’s game strategy. (Ok, maybe Ian Darke )

Sounds about right for Wilbertson, who also nearly broke his fool neck trying to recreate the famous “Klinsmann dive”.

Sun., 3/3
#8 Glennock 7 vs. 5 T12 Vicarstown
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. 5 vs. 3 T12 Marron
#15 Lakeside 2 vs. 1 #10 Suddery
#5 Crovan’s Gate 4 vs. 5 #9 Junction & Sheds
#4 Kirk Ronan 3 vs. 10 #1 Dryaw

Continue down for Saturday’s results and feature match recap. Click [here] for the updated league table.

Saturday Feature Match: A change in the Relegation Zone!

Image result for Norramby crest It’s hard to call it a true upset, but Noob predicted a draw. Instead, Ulfstead have climbed above the Cutline with a resounding victory! A 4-4 halftime score was inline with expectations, but Ffarquhar looked fatigued again just minutes into the second half.

Image result for FFFC football crest So, Ffarquhar drop to 18th, two points behind today’s victors. Ulfstead is up to 17th, next have struggling Brendam United in their sights in the table.

On the table’s top, Peel Godred eked out a low-scoring win, but that’s good enough to climb back into 2nd place! How? Because #2 Knapford Town went to Castle Rolf and got busted in the mouth. Peel now sit just a point behind Dryaw, who have their hands full tomorrow as they visit #4 Kirk Ronan.

Here are the day’s full results. The Page with the Table will be updated following tomorrow’s matches.

Sat., 3/2
#3 Peel Godred 2 vs. 0 #16 Brendam Utd.
#11 Castle Rolf 13 vs. 6 #2 Knapford Town
#7 Wellsworth 5 vs. 4 #6 E.C.D.
#19 Tidmouth City 6 vs. 1 #14 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ulfstead 8 vs. 4 #17 Ffarquhar

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 28 (Sat., 3/2) preview – Who stays up, who goes down

Sat., 3/2
#3 Peel Godred vs. #16 Brendam Utd.
#11 Castle Rolf vs. #2 Knapford Town
#7 Wellsworth vs. #6 E.C.D.
#19 Tidmouth City vs. #14 Brendam Harbor
#18 Ulfstead vs. #17 Ffarquhar

Saturday Feature Match: A drop zone battle royal!

Wellsworth – E.C.D. has the best chance today to be a truly quality match. But the title race is really down to five teams now, and these two are on the outside looking in. So, today’s most important match is about Premier League survival.

Image result for Norramby crest Hello from Ulfstead! Here, just a month ago the local team’s Relegation fate appeared sealed. But three wins against just one loss in February has them just out of safety, a point behind their closest geographic rivals today.

All season, their issue has been consistency, They can score and defend well enough, but rarely managed both in the same match all winter. Other than giving up a whopping 14 goals in their road loss to Marron, they’ve played better all-around ball of late.

A note about Ulfstead F.C. “Earls” – Ulfstead is the town name here in west-central Sodor. It is the home of the Isle’s Earls (the royal family), the Norramby’s. But Norramby the town is on the east central coast. They have their own team in the second-tier Championship (and are doing quite well!.

Image result for FFFC football crest The road team today only had to travel a handful of miles east. It will be a shame if Ffarquhar doesn’t survive the Isle’s first-ever Premier season. It’s one of the larger towns on the isle, but only has the one FA club. It’s also the one town people outside the country can name, if any — being the home of Thomas of the fictional children’s tv show.

But this team’s season has followed it’s FA Cup performance from the summer. They play everyone close, but play up and down to the level of their competition. And they far from always finish off matches strong. Still, a 2-1-1 February mark shows they’re learning and has kept them above the Cutline.

Fun Fact: Ffarquhar are known as “the Anophas”, though the S is dropped as often as not. The nearby Ffarquhar Quarry was known as Anopha Quarry, and so that name has been adopted by the club. This, despite not a bloody soul in the town having the slightest clue what “Anopha” referred to or meant originally.

Match Prediction: Noob thinks the battle to stay afloat in the Premier will go right down to the end of the season. The teams will play true their forms of late and have a match of quality play. 4-4 or 5-5.

Arlesburgh United target sacked Leicester FC coach Claude Puel

Arlesburgh, Isle of Sodor – February 26, 2019

Image result for Arlesburgh United crest Before the rumor mill starts swirling over his next job possibilities, Isle of Sodor Premier League club Arlesburgh United are taking their shot at a big target – Claude Puel.

Image result for funny Claude Puel

“I’m a coaching target thihhhs bihhhg.”

Puel was sacked as manager on Feb. 24 by Leicester FC. That same day, 96 year old Arlesburgh United coach Pete Mylchreest his retirement. Coincidence? (Almost certainly. But what the hell.)

So how does a club from somewhere like Sodor go after a manager with a legitimate big league pedigree– Lille, Lyon, Nice, Southampton, Sunderland, Leicester City…Arlesburgh? You point out the pros and let the chips fall where they may. With Noob’s help.

Claude, you’ve never been able to hang onto elite talent anywhere you’ve coached. No problem in Arlesburgh! The Pirates are in last here in the IoS PL’s inaugural season. No talent to be found here, even by Sudric standards.
Arlesburgh are certainly getting demoted to the IoS Championship. A year to get your feet under you in a new country should sound relaxing.
Then you get to be the hero probably getting the Promoted back to Premier! Trust Noob. Village teams like Cabalnoo and others that even devotees of “Thomas the Tank Engine” would be hard-pressed to find on a map won’t present a manager of your stature any problem.
You don’t like to give much to the press. Noob’s the exclusive coverage guy here! And I’ll leave you alone. I’m more of a Sodor east coast kind of fellow. Arlesburgh is too close to the Isle of Mann for me The Manx smell awful and can’t be trusted.

Image result for suspicious looking old people

These Manx children have poisoned lips, I promise. Manx children murder old ladies all the time.

Arlesburgh is the oldest settlement on the Isle. The folk residing here run really old. And the ones who aren’t old dress up as such for matches (supporters group is ‘The Ancients’). At 57 years old, you’ll feel right at home, and they’ll likely find you a breath of fresh air.
Do you really want to get stuck in England’s Championship? You’re not getting another Premier job right away, if ever. Besides, the whole Brexit thing sounds nasty.
Would you really want to return to France? Taking a non-PSG job in that farmer’s league is worse than England’s Championship. Just say no.

But coach in Sodor. You don’t want to wait up to a year and end up with the Philadelphia Union. *shudders*

Think of this as semi-retirement. Mostly retirement, less even “semi-“. Everyone dies somewhere.
There’s a water wheel that’s cool to look at, and it’s bigger than “the world’s biggest” over in Laxey, Isle of Man, whatever they claim. Again, you can’t trust those Manx louts. Not ever.
The public transit is amazing, featuring state-of-the-art talking trains. OK, no talking trains. That’s the silly, fun tv show. But it’s based on the real Isle, and the train system really is quite good.

When reached for a comment, Puel said through his representative: “Where? That’s….unbelievable.” So, um, you’re coming then?

Isle of Sodor Premier League – matchday 27 – all results, updated table, new hotness

Matchday 27 in Review (2/23-24/19)

Saturday feature match: Brendam Darby goes United 0, Harbor 7

Image result for BHFC crest Saturday’s feature match may not have had league title implications, but a derby is a derby! And sometimes a match can be a blowout, as Brendam Harbor took the first FA-official local derby 0-7 over Brendam United.

United are now in real danger of potentially sinking into the Relegation Zone after #18 Ulfstead‘s win.

KEPA HAS NOTHING ON SUDRIC GOALIE

Image result for sutton reserve goalie sitting The only drama came at 3′ when the match was delayed several minutes.

To honor retiring reserve goalkeeper Angus Waldroup, United chose to start him briefly. When the planned time to pull him came, he sat, saying they could sub him out if they could carry him. [Click to read the ESPNFC article about Chelsea keeper Kepa refusing to be subbed out during yesterday’s FA Cup final.]

The solution? Assistant Hugh MacDuff had the caterers set up the postgame food table early. Word of that got Waldroup up off that fat ass and to the locker room at a terrifying speed.

Sunday feature match: #2 closes gap on league-leaders

Image result for ktfc crest

Knapford Town rebounded from last week’s tough loss to defeat East Coast Diesel 2-8. E.C.D. look wiped out after a grueling stretch of top teams faced in February. KTFC lost their local derby last week 8-9, but their mettle was stronger.

Coupled #1 Dryaw FC‘s surprising home loss, Knapford now only trail the top table spot by two points.

—- ALL MATCHDAY 27 RESULTS, UPDATED TABLE ——-

Sat., 2/23
T15 Brendam Utd. 0 vs. 7 #14 Brendam Harbor
#13 Marron 7 vs. 4 #3 Kirk Ronan
#19 Tidmouth City 1 vs. 5 #5 Crovan’s Gate
T11 Castle Rolf 6 vs. 0 #10 Suddery
T8 Junction & Sheds 1 vs. 2 #15 Lakeside

2/24
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. 0 vs. 1 #4 Peel Godred
#6 East Coast Diesel 2 vs. 8 #2 Knapford Town
T11 Vicarstown 4 vs. 7 #18 Ulfstead
#7 Wellsworth 5 vs. 4 #17 Ffarquhar
#1 Dryaw 5 vs. 6 #9 Glennock

1	1	Dryaw	19	5	3	62	League Champions
B	B	Knapford Town	19	4	4	60
4	3	Peel Godred	18	4	5	58
3	4	Kirk Ronan	17	5	5	56
5	5	Crovan’s Gate	16	7	4	55
6	6	East Coast Diesel	13	7	7	46
7	7	Wellsworth	14	3	8	45
9	8	Glennock	12	5	10	41
8	9	Junction & Sheds	12	4	9	40
10	10	Suddery	10	6	11	36
T11	11	Castle Rolf	9	7	11	34
T11	T12	Vicarstown	7	10	10	31
13	T12	Marron	9	4	14	31
14	14	Brendam Harbor	8	6	13	30
T15	15	Lakeside	8	5	14	29
T15	16	Brendam United	7	5	15	26
17	17	Ffarquhar	6	5	16	23
18	18	Ulfstead	6	4	17	22	Relegated to Sodor Championship
19	19	Tidmouth City	4	3	20	15
20	20	Arlesburgh United	4	1	22	13

Isle of Sodor – matchday 27 (Sun., 2/24) – Feature Game: #2 Knapford Town’s tough road test

Sunday, 2/24
#20 Arlesburgh Utd. vs. #4 Peel Godred
#6 E.C.D. vs. #2 Knapford Town
T11 Vicarstown vs. #18 Ulfstead
#7 Wellsworth vs. #17 Ffarquhar
#1 Dryaw vs. #9 Glennock

Sunday Feature Match: #6 E.C.D. hosts #2 Knapford Town

Image result for Sodor map Vicarstown Knapford Knapford Town weren’t expected to necessarily vie for the title here this first Premier season, but were certainly seen as a club likely to be in the table’s top half. But no one saw the team everyone would be chasing was tiny Dryaw FC! East Coast Diesel have slightly exceeded expectations by being firmly in the table’s to half. Competing for players with intracity rivals Vicarstown FC could always potentially make E.C.D.‘s life a little tougher.

Knapford Town— How will they bounce back from last week’s 9-8 loss to Junction & Sheds? Since Dryaw only managed a draw last week, a prime opportunity to all but catch up to the table’s #1 was missed. KTFC is a side that feasts on lesser competition, but seems to lose close a lot against better teams. Here in February, they’re 2-0-1.

E.C.D. — This month has been a real test for Diesel, facing clubs all in the top half of the table. 1-1-1 wasn’t bad over this stretch. But like KTFC, this club missed their chance against Dryaw earlier in the month. Advancing to the Semis in the summer’s FA Cup was quite the feat, but they’ll need a remarkable run and some help to get that close to the League title.

Match Prediction: E.C.D.’s offense suddenly disappeared last week, as they only managed a single goal in drawing at Glennock. Still, that score looks like an outlier. Knapford Town ought to be spent some after their tough loss last week. But with only #1 Dryaw ahead of them, their title aspirations should motivate them plenty.

Noob calls it: 4-4 KTFC will have to hope Glennock, can play Dryaw as tightly as they did against E.C.D. last week.

Image result for noobstradamus

Pshaw. You can’t even spell “prognosticate” without Noobstradamus’ help, Noob.

Or wait. Maybe you just did. I….didn’t think this through…

Isle of Sodor Premier – matchday 27 (Sat., 2/23) Feature Game: A new Derby!

Saturday, 2/23
T15 Brendam Utd. vs. #14 Brendam Harbor
#13 Marron vs. #3 Kirk Ronan
#19 Tidmouth City vs. #5 Crovan’s Gate
T11 Castle Rolf vs. #10 Suddery
T8 Junction & Sheds vs. #15 Lakeside

Saturday Feature Match: The Brendam Derby

Image result for derby hat funny Get out your best derby hats!

These are historically two of the best teams in the country. One might’ve hoped that at least one of the two would make a move up the table in the season’s second half. Instead, Harbor and United are mired in 14th and 15th place. Still, it’s the first ever Premier League Brendam Derby!

And since this isn’t England, they even pronounce “derby” right. FA President Abban Clague: “We couldn’t think of any other words right off where an ‘e’ was pronounced with an ‘ahhh’ sound. We’re not doing it. Silly English tw**s.”

Image result for BHFC crest Brendam Harbor surprised no one in winning the inaugural Isle of Sodor FA Cup last summer. Yet they’re perhaps the least-liked team on the Isle, as their success generally comes via hard-nosed, aggressive defense. Such is considered uncouth at best on Sodor. Here in the first PL season, they’re giving up goals like most other clubs, but not scoring more themselves.

Some observers have told Noob they’re having an identity crisis. They’re trying to play “nicer” and not continue to be painted as the “bad boys” of Sudric football as the League hopefully gains international exposure here starting out.

Brendam United, meanwhile, didn’t make it out of the Group Stage in the summer’s Cup. They’re problem has been simple – they can’t score. And if you can’t score on Sodor, you’re losing a lot. Because almost everyone else is.

Neither team as earned a win in February. Still, neither is in much seeming danger of being Relegated. That said, if 18th-place Ulfstead can make a run, the Brendams would be two of five additional teams in the mix to get sent down to the Championship.

Match Prediction: Cool, dry weather should make for pitch today that invites both sides to play with some real pace. United are the designated home team, but since they share a pitch, no advantage there. The Harbormen have show some occasional flashes of their big offense potential.

Noob calls it: Brendam Harbor 5-7

Image result for Noobstradamus

Oh, so now that the site’s format is IoS PL and some lampooned new stories, you think you can just predict matches without me?

Noobstradamus will see you rue the day. You’ll be a … day-ruer? OK, that was weak.

Isle of Sodor Premier League – Featured game for matchday 26 – A “Clasico” of their own

“El Clasico” is known to every football fan in the world. Here on Sodor, Image result for Sodor map there are big rivalries as well, and they tend to be intracity. Welcome to Knapford, where things will get nasty on Sunday (2/15). (Well, as nasty as things get on Isle. Might see a slide tackle or two attempted! Remember: hard defense is considered here to be more than uncouth.)

For this year, they’ve settled on calling this the Yards-Sheds Classic. Junction & Sheds have never been known as anything but. Knapford Town changed from Knapford Yards FC when the FA came into being a year ago, wanting to differentiate themselves from the more purely blue-collar branding of J&S.

Knapford Town have had the better of things in league this season, just moved into 2nd place, five behind surprising league leaders Dryaw FC. Junction & Sheds are in a tie for 8th. Getting more than a couple positions higher will be hard for them, as the top few have some space in the table between them and the pack now.

How do the teams play? Their League campaigns have pretty much reflected their FA Cup runs from this summer.

Image result for KTFC crest During the inaugural FA Cup of summer 2018, Knapford Town tended to win but lose close. They made the Round of 16 before falling in the penalty shootout to E.C.D. (East Coast Diesel) of Vicarstown.

Junction & Sheds (#1 supporter Alexi Lalas) advanced just as far. They suffered the same fate in losing to eventual champion Brendam Harbor, going down at the shootout. They scored tied for second in Group Stage scoring at 17 goals over the three matches, with just tiny shocker Cabalnoo getting more (18).

Image result for Junction FC crest Win lose or draw, J&S work hard to score and that’s about it. (They conceded 14 in that Group Stage. No team plays the classic Sudric 5-5-good luck back there! formation quite as religiously as Sheds.

Their first meeting this year ended in a 5-5 draw. Rumor has it that J&S will pull the goalie at select times and play a 6-5-void formation. When it comes to offensive-mindedness, good luck outdoing the Sudrics generally. KTFC can keep up with a lot of teams in a game like that, but probably not against J&S and they know it. They’ll look to play things comparatively closer to the vest most of the match, then try running wild if it’s tied or close late.

Noob interview with English Premier League referee (and A+ dancing fool) Mike Dean

English Premier League Mike Dean is quite likely the most flamboyant referee in the history of soccer. In Manchester City’s 6-0 defeat of Chelsea this weekend, Dean’s usual flair was again on display. In addition to his strange positions and dramatic gestures, he even stuffed the game ball under his shirt to hide it from Sergio Aguero (who’d had a hat trick).

Between fixtures, Dean often heads to Barrow and then across the Walney Channel to Vicarstown, Sodor! Noob’s picking up on all manner of fun things now that I’m living on the Isle more or less full-time. I caught up with Mr. Dean at local drinking house “The Furnace” for a rare interview…that didn’t go where Noob thought it would.

(And here’s the dreamteamfc article if you need confirmation about the reveal shortly.)

Noob:   Mike, thanks for the sit-down!

Mike Dean:  You challenged me to try the sparkling rhubarb vermouth.  What was I supposed to say, no?   I'm Mike flippin' Dean.  

Noob:  I am Noob!

Mike Dean:  Splendid.

Noob:  Interview?

Mike Dean:   Balls.   What the heck. 

Noob:   Let's talk sportsball.

Mike Dean:   Bloody hell.   It's a weird vermouth, not that nice South African malbec on yonder shelf.   Let's talk dancing.

Noob:  Well, I'm not as light on my feet as I once was, but --

Mike Dean:  Shut the cuss up.  Did you know I was a ballroom dancing champion?

Noob:  You shut the cuss up!

<span data-mce-type="bookmark" style="display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;" class="mce_SELRES_start"></span> 

Mike Dean:   They've talked to me about being on Strictly Come Dancing.  I'm big enough in England, certainly.  But they only do Latin and ballroom on that show. I want to show my range. 

Noob:   What, you want to replace Jodie Whittaker as the Doctor? 

Mike Dean:   You're an odd chap.  No. I want to be on Dancing With the Stars. So many more styles get featured!  Jitterbug.  Disco.  And if you think I can't Lindy Hop , I'll punch you in the face. 

Noob:  I didn't say you couldn't. 

Mike Dean:  Smart lad.    Smarter than those clowns at your ABC.  They won't even return my calls. 

Noob:   I call shenanigans. 

Mike Dean:    Alexis Ren.   Bobby Bones.   Pshaw.   Know who the biggest "star" they got was?   John.  Effing.  Schneider.    If you don't think I can't outdance Bo Duke, I'll...I'll... *sputters* 

Noob:   Punch Noob in the face? 

Mike Dean:   This vermouth isn't bad.   Who's Noob? 

Noob:  I am Noob! 

Mike Dean:  Splendid.  Say, you're media here, of a sort.  Don't suppose you know if Sodor has a dancing competition show. 

Noob:   Don't think so.  But they're having a Grease-themed sock hop dance-off at the high school reunion nearby tonight.

Aaaaand that’s when Mike Dean punched me in the face, signaling the end of the interview. And you know what? Good on him. That sock hop was beneath him.

Join Noob next time as I try to get MLS Referee of the Year Alan Kelley mad enough to puncture my spleen by showing him my Dundalk jersey and telling him his former team Cork City of stinks.

(If you enjoyed this interview, may I humbly recommend the offerings on my D2 Interviews Page. And Noob is available to write all manner of craziness for your soccer site, or for other sports or any topic at all!)