Tag: Saprissa

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition (11/27-29) soccer match previews – MLS Semis end the MWE!

“The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game” – hit their peak of importance today. MLS Semifinals! After tonight, we’ll know who’s playing for the big trophy.

Tuesday and Wednesday’s match results follow below. Remember you can always check back for results on every single day, plus often a note or two about who starred, or how the results affected what was at stake.

Thursday

9. Sporting Kansas City vs. Portland Timbers – Major League Soccer

Second leg of the Western Conference Finals! While any team would of course like to get a road win every time, #1 KC got the draw in Portland in the first match of this two-game series. Now they have the chance to take care of business at home.

But that scoreless draw has to be troubling for them. Goalkeeper Tim Melia of USMNT fame played well and Graham Zusi was a monster on the back defensive line. But Noob highlighted Daniel Salloi for that first match and instead of starring, he was the weak link, losing duels and not being terribly good with passes.

The 5th-seed Portland was better on passing, held the ball longer, and created more shots on goal. That didn’t and won’t matter if they can’t get better play from striker Jeremy Ebobisse though.

Ultimately, it’s hard to beat home cookin’. KC did what was necessary, if just, and should be a moderate to heavy favorite at home.   (9:30 PM Eastern, ESPN)

RESULT:   Portland    2-3           Diego Valeri with two Timbers goals, including the game winner at 90′

10. New York Red Bulls vs. Atlanta United – Major League Soccer

Some are calling the Eastern Conference finals the de facto league finals. Both teams had several more point in the the table than K.C.

#B Atlanta laid the smack down at their place in the first leg of this overall Semi, 3-0. Franco Escobar was the slightly-surprisng star with both a goal and an assist. This club has the best offense in the entire league. It will be interesting to see if they keep dancing with the girl that brought them and continue attacking, or try to take the air out of the ball with such a big lead from the first leg.

NYRB have a HYOOJ hole to dig themselves out of. Lots of goals will certainly mean the involvement of BrandonWright-Phillips, who looked like an MVP the first half of the MLS season. Not that he tanked after that, but his effectiveness definitely diminished. But if the right side of Red Bulls’ back line get manhandled again (Tim Parker, Michael Murillo), BWP’s possible resurgence won’t matter.   (7:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   NYRB   1-0         But it’s not enough!    ATL will host the single-match Final versus Portland.

Image result for the world of red bull funnySo long from…wherever the Red Bull box cart races were held.

Yeeeah.  Wow.

 

Extra Credit: Two Liga MX qf’s, a couple dozen group stage Europa league matches, Copa Sudamericana sf, El Salvador and Guatemala qf’s, second round Arab Club Championship

Wednesday

3. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Inter Milan – UEFA Champions League

You can scroll down to the Tuesday portion of the Midweek Track for a few extra details on the event, should you be a completely unseasoned Noobite.

Noob-reviled Hotspur is nearly out of Champions League, as is good, right and appropriate. When your club is named for an historic traitor (Harry Percy), good things cannot follow.

The scourge of England’s Premier League, Hotspur trail Inter by three points in the table and won the first match between them (tiebreaker). Since Hotspur’s remaining match other than this one is at #1 Barcelona, they’re in desperate need of a win today.

Hotspur are winners of five straight across all competitions. Inter are in just 5th in Italy’s Serie A. Where Hotspur lack a little offensive punch compared to many other top teams, Inter have been sagging on defense. Bad matchup for the visitors, sadly.   (3:00 PM Eastern, TNT)

RESULT:   Hotspur   1-0

Image result for sir topham hatt furious

 

 

Sir Topham Hatt — flexing the pimp hand.  Gotta keep it strong for those Hotspur COYS.

 

4. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

This is the most competitive Group going here. Liverpool and Napoli are tied for first. PSG are just a point behind and Red Star Belgrade only a point behind them in turn.

PSG are running roughshod over Ligue 1 – no losses or draws. Yet many people Noob reads suggest the league is not very good this year. Liverpool have yet to lose in Champions League, putting them in second place there. Neither team allow goals.

Both teams are stronger than the ones in Track Match three here. If either doesn’t qualify for the Knockout Round, that’s big news.   (3:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   PSG   2-1

5. Porto vs. Schalke – UEFA Champions League

Three matches from one event? Thought you were filtering event like these, Noob.

Oh, but I am. But I won’t ignore important ones this late in the Group Stage just for the sake of it. Porto is Portugal’s #1 team. That doesn’t make them one of the very strongest clubs remaining, but they won’t be a pushover for anyone next round. They’re dominating the Primeira Liga and can score and defend amazingly.

Germany’s Schalke trail Porto by two in the Group C table. An upset win today would guarantee them a berth in the Knockout Round. And it would be a remarkable upset at that. In the Bundesliga, they’re playing so darn badly that they’re fighting just to stay out of the Relegation Zone.

They don’t defend half badly, but they didn’t wow on offense last year and don’t score much at all now. Still, they lead the Group 3rd-place team by four, seem likely to sneak out of the Group Stage no matter how today goes.

RESULT:   Porto   3-1

Image result for schalke 04 funny

 

 

 

Is that the German Mr. Magoo?

 

6. Monterrey vs. Santos – Liga MX

Let the playoffs begin! This is the Liguilla. The eight best teams from the Apertura (first half-season) qualified. This is a bracketed tournament. Each pair of teams will play two-legged, home-and-away series.

It is seeded just like the NCAA basketball tourney would be, and this is your 4/5 matchup. Santos has been a shade better on both sides of the ball. More, they haven’t lost to Monterrey in their last three matches. But Monterrey haven’t lost in three matches, while Santos didn’t win in any of their last three.   (10:06 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Monterrey    1-0

7. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

This is CONCACAF’s third-strongest league. They might argue they’re better than MLS. Mexicans might argue their second division league is better. Regardless, this is a sneaky-good football league.

And the Playoffs are already underway! The top four qualified for this postseason tournament. Apertura regular season champs Saprissa host this second match of the home-and-away Semifinal series. Herediano – the other perennial power here – finished 4th, won the first leg 1-0 at their place.

Saprissa was better on both sides of the ball all Apertura, but particularly so on offense. That one-goal deficit should be one they can overcome today, move on to the Final.

RESULT:   Saprissa   1-0       …which means the series was tied and they moved on to penalty kicks!    Herediano advances to the final on those, 2-4

Image result for costa rica premier logo

 

 

One foot-sport, one heart.  

But the logo’s more than a little puffy-nipply.   No.

8. Portmore United vs. Tivoli Gardens – Jamaica Premier

This, too, is one of CONCACAF’s stronger domestic leagues – almost certainly the best of the island nations in our federation. Hallooo, neighbors! Noob’s making a concerted effort to get to know ya. May I borrow a cup of sugar?

The top six finishers here will make the Playoffs, with the top two getting byes into the Semifinals. They’re a dozen matches into the season, and rhese two are #1 and #3. This is a classic best offense versus best defense scenario. An upset win wouldn’t move Gardens into 1st, but would tighten up an already good-looking race.

RESULT:   Portmore   2-0

Extra Credit:   the other UEFA Champions League matches, Costa Rican semifinal, Liga MX qf; 

Also, Spain’s Copa del Rey round of 32 match, Copa Argentina sf, Copa Sudamericana sf, Czech Cup Round of 16, Guatemala National League sf

Also, #1 Shkendija vs. #3 Academy Pandev in Macedonai’s Prva Liga, Russian FA Cup qf, very early round CAF Champions League, #3 Brittania vs. #2 Nacional in Aruba’s Division di Honor, second round Arab Club Championship

Tuesday

1. Lyon vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

But make no mistake, I’m glad it’s back, baybeeeeee! A quick reminder for the newest Noobites what the it is:. League champions and other top teams of Europe in the crown jewel of all club tournaments. They’re currently in the Group Stage. Pods of four playing double round robins. Top two finishers from each will advance to the Knockout (single elimination, bracket-style) Stage. Everybody’s got two matches to go.

Man City is thought by many to be the #1 team in the world currently. They’re undefeated in Premier League play, lead Lyon by three point in the Group F table. But they’ve lost one match.

To Lyon. At Man City! The French team is a distant #B to undefeated Paris Saint-Germain in Ligue 1 there, but #B nonetheless. They haven’t lost to anyone, anywhere, besides PSG since August. Yet strangely, that win over Man City is their only win in Group F. All their other matches have ended in draws.

So what’s at stake? Noob’s laser-focused of late on stakes, letting you know why any given match is important. Man City are almost 100% to advance to the Knockout Round now, and any result (win or draw) will seal that deal.

A win for Lyon would do the same. Anything else, and the door is very much open for the other two Group F clubs, trailing by three and four points, respectively. So yes, remaining undefeated with a draw would leave the, in jeopardy yet. What a tournament.

Oh, and based on ELO ratings (thank you, footballdatabase.com), Noob thinks Man City will win easily, 1-2 goal margin, in France.

RESULT:   2-2         Maxwell Cornet with a goal and an assist for Lyon as they blew two leads.  

B. AS Roma vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

Noob is often reluctant to feature multiple matches from the same league or tournament on a given day. I wish to act as filter for we newish fans, allow us to focus on the most important things, yet with a broad gaze. Eight matches today for UEFA CL. We can do two.

It’s an easy decision when the three-time defending champions are in the mix, too. Real and Roma are tied for the Group G lead. The next team down is five points behind. Look, these two are going through to the Knockout Stage no matter how the match ends today. But finishing 1st or runner-up matters for seeding in the next Round, so this match is still monster.

Defending champs or not, this isn’t the same Real team of recent years. Losing the greatest active player in the world – Cristiano Ronaldo – will have that effect. They’re in just 5th place in La Liga and just suffered a blistering 3-0 loss to Eibar. If you don’t know that name, that’s the point. And their newfound issues are on both sides of the ball.

Yet after a 3rd place Italian Serie A finish last year, Roma have slipped as many places as Real – down to 7th at present. They’d appeared to have the righted their ship to some degree of late, but than lost to Udinese last time out. Once again, if you don’t know that club, that’s the point.

Real’s crash back to earth this year has been the steeper fall. Still, Noob wouldn’t put Roma at any better than an even match for them at home.

RESULT:   Real   0-2

New feature! EXTRA CREDIT will appear with some frequency now – these are events, matches Noob scouted for a given date but that didn’t make the cut for the Track.

Extra Credit: Early round-Coupe de France, Scotland’s FA Cup, very early round 2018-19 CAF Champions League, later round EFL Cup (tournament of tertiary importance in England), and Semifinals of Africa’s women’s Cup of Nations – all are in action.

ALSO! Congrats to Guadalajara, UANL, America and Pachuca of Liga MX Femenil. They all just qualified for the Semifinals of the Apertura (first half-season) there.

Noob’s trying to learn women’s and more CONCACAF soccer in general, but the site I use (for the moment) screws up dates something fierce. I’d scouted the Quarterfinals I thought were today, but they’re in the books already. Part of the learning for Noob is finding the best resources.

 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (9/2) – MLS, Liga MX, more theme song work

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.  A theme song is deserved.   Yesterday’s attempt was… well, let’s try again.

“Soccernoob rockin’ Amur-IH-cuh-huhuh /

Analysis!  *clap clap*/

Ten matches! *clap clapclap* /

Ordid Noobmiscooowwwwwnt?!  /  *crickets*

Soccernoob rockin’ Amur-IH-CUUUHHHHH!

  1. D.C. United vs. Atlanta United – Major League Soccer

Atlanta’s non-loss streak is up to seven, and yet New York Red Bulls have overtaken them for 1st place.  That they haven’t kept one clean sheet in their last six is mildly troubling, but mitigated by them scoring 2+ in them all.

Ever since Noob pointed out DCU’s unbeaten streak since playing all time English great Wayne Rooney, they’ve done nothing but lose.   It’s only two matches, but they were the only two in this period where they’ve faced really good competition.  It was a nice run up from the Eastern Conference basement to 8th, but the playoffs are looking unlikely now.

(Oh, and next D.C. travels to NYCFC.  Good luck with that.)   (7:30 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   D.C.   3-1     Rooney scored or assisted on every goal

Image result for Wayne Rooney annoyed

 

Got something to say to Noob, Rooney?

Go beat a Playoff-caliber team.

B.  Toluca vs. Santos – Liga MX

#10 hosts #4 in match Noob wouldn’t try picking if you threatened him with a whack-a-mole mallet.   (1:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Toluca   2-1

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

I’ll make a prediction.  MY calling, after all, Noob.  Don’t make me come over there.

Noobstradamus divines  a win for Santos after their three consecutive draws.

  1. Trinidad and Tobago vs. Jamaica – CONCACAF women’s World Cup qualification

Reminder:  This is also the CONCACAF championships.  Two great footyball tastes tasting great together.  The top three finishers from this Caribbean Zone group of five advance to the “competition proper”, where the North American teams enter this event.

Jamaica is hosting all the matches and their national team leads the Group.  In fact, with just this fourth and final match to play in this stage, they’ve already qualified to advance.  T&T only need a draw to secure their own berth.  A loss and they leave the door open for Bermuda.

These two are FIFA-ranked #’s 50 and 71, respectively.  Jamaica has run roughshod over everyone so far.  T&T must keep the score low to hope for any kind of result.

RESULT:   Jamaica   1-4       Both teams advance to the next round

  1. Burnley vs. Manchester United – English Premier League

Last season, Man U had a fine enough season finishing #B, even as their intracity rivals at City were having a record one.

But right now they are a hot mess.  Starting the season with a home win over Leicester was expected.  A road loss to Brighton and Hove Albion was far less so.  Giving up three goals was a red flag.  Then getting crushed at home by Noob-reviled and traitorously named Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur 0-3 has to have them wondering if their new head coach is paying attention.

Burnley have stunk.  Who will right their ship?   0-0 draw anyone?   (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Man Utd.   0-2

Image result for Sir Topham Hatt pissed off

 

 

Wow, just think how cross Sir Topham Hatt gets when Hotspur’s actually playing.

  1. Celtic vs. Rangers – Scottish Premiership

There are basically ever two named to know in Scotland – these.   #1 and #B last season.  It’s very early in this campaign, but they’re both just sitting midtable.  The issue for both has been middling defensive play.

RESULT:   Celtic   1-0

  1. Zenit St. Petersburg vs. Spartak Moscow – Russian Premier

Here in Europe’s 6th-ranked league, traditional powers are performing as they should.  Zenit are running people over, 5-0-0 with a 10-1 GD.  Spartak are tied for #B, have played one less game than peer Rostov.  Their offense is not Zenit’s, but the defense has been just as good.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for Russian football funny

 

 

Is it too late for Noob to get 2018 World Cup souvenir Matryoshka dolls?

  1. Dinamo Zagreb vs. Rijeka – Croatia First Division

For al Croatia’s success in the World Cup, their domestic league is still trying to catch up a wee bit with the bigger boys.   At UEFA-ranking #16, they are the best league that still gets just one invitation to Champions League.

With one less match played than Osijek, D.Z. is still tied with them for #1.  Rijeka are also a match off and are just two points back in 3rd.  These two will overtake the table’s top, and sooner rather than later.    Dinamo sport the top D in the land, while Rijeka have the best balance.  (Osijek’s mediocre defense will catch up to them.)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Hapoel Be’er Sheva vs. Maccabi Tel Aviv – Israel Premier

Last year’s #1 and #B face off here at beginning of Europe’s (well, UEFA’s) #18 league.  If little to nothing has changed, MTA will have a hard time scoring today.  Everyone had that trouble last year with HBS.

MTA were the second-best D, so this match may not see lots of goals.  But it’s a desperately important match, even this early in their season.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for geography wrong funny Israel

Hey, you let Israel play in UEFA and all bets are OFF.

  1. Ferencvaros vs. MOL Vidi – Hungary NB 1

Not that Hungarian football is on the radar of many (UEFA rank #36), but just in case:   MOL Vidi was Videoton last year.   Sponsorship change = name change.

These two finished 2017-18 #B and #1, and that is always on Noob’s radar!  Statistically they were nearly carbon copies of one another.  No other clubs threatened them.  They’re also both undefeated early this season.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Nomme JK Kalju vs. Flora Tallinn – Estonia MeistrilIIga

The capital I’s in the league name are Noob’s own addition.  Just look at them.  A symmetrical, beautiful pair.  Perfection.

With ¾ of the season in the books, Kalju have a five-point lead in the table on today’s visitors.  The only other team in contention is FCI Levadia.   This match is the classic best offense versus best defense.  If Flora loses, that may mean the title is all but decided.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for pope john paul ii eyes

 

 

 

 

Pope John Paul II is down with the double i’s.

  1. Gyeongnam vs. Jeonbuk – South Korea K-League 1

What madness is this?  11??

Occasionally, it’s just too hard to pare down to ten.   Just look at the matches I had to cut:

Three USL matches (though none of highest import; AS Monaco vs. Marseille (last year’s Ligue 1 #B vs. #4); Alajuense vs. Saprissa (Costa Rica’s #1 and #3); Brondby vs. Midtjylland (Denmark’s #3 and #B); Siroki Brijeg vs. Zeljeznicar (Bosnia and Herzegovina’s #3 and #B); and two top-four matchups from Norway’s Eliteserien.

This is yet another #B versus #1 match.  Even though Jeonbuk have already sown up 1st place, such still gets Noob’s salivary glands watering.

Plus, The Management is in South Korea right now!  He flew into Incheon, which has the worst football club there this year.  I tried to tell him where the better footyball was being played, but does he listen to Noob?

RESULT:   Jeonbuk   0-3

Image result for eurwangni beach

 

 

So long from Erwangni Beach, Incheon, Korean Republic!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (8/12) – MLS, EPL, Liga MX, Soooooper Cups!

Look, Noob is all about full disclosure.   I admit it.  Things got a little weird yesterday previewing matches.  Yelling about Hotspur’s traitorous namesake.  Predicting a terrible fate for Orlando, the city, since it’s built on a swamp.  Re-publishing weeeird Japanese soccer photo…

Today will be SO different.  All serious as we ogle the ten most important matches to follow for us, the new American fans of the global game.  Honest.

*snicker*

  1. Seattle Sounders vs. FC Dallas – Major League Soccer

After losing to Toronto in last season’s Playoffs, Seattle have looked anything but themselves.  Now, at least, a four-match winning streak has them within shouting distance (8th in the Western Conference) of the postseason (top six from each conference get in).  Their defense has always seemed pretty okay.  They’ve finally found their stride on offense.

Dallas are not only #1 in the West, they’ve built a five-point cushion in the standings over #B Portland.  This, despite their stunning 1-3 loss to San Jose.  Noob doesn’t care if it was a road match for FCD.  That’s horrible.

If Seattle want to continue to make a push, they need to keep getting goals from the midfield.  Forward Will Bruin has largely tried carrying the load all season, but help has got to keep coming from behind him as it has the last week.

Of course, since the first soccer fan Noob ever knew was a Sounders fan and an utter putz, I will not be pulling for this to happen.  Will Bruin must be left to struggle on his island!   (10:00 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT:   Seattle   2-1     Sounders are still in 8th, but now within three points of 6th place and the West’s final Playoff slot.

B.  UANL Pumas vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Pachucha finished 9th in the last Clausura (second half-season), just missing the Liguilla (postseason tournament).  They played nearly the league’s worst defense, so if they can shore that up just a little without sacrificing goal-scoring, they can get above the line.

Pumas were 7th, not tons better on defense.  This could be a real shootout.  Find out at 5:00 PM on Univision Deportes.

RESULT:   0-0     So much for a shootout

Image result for letter B explore

 

 

Number B, that’s so random.

 

You really get me, don’t you.

  1. Arsenal vs. Manchester City – English Premier League

Only the rawest of Noobites should be without a sense of Man City.  Record-breaking 2017-18, crushing the league.

Arsenal were 6th, and won’t do better this year unless they start stopping goals like the biggest boys in this league.  They allowed about a third again as many as their peers.  This is the first match of the season for both clubs.   (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Man City   0-2

  1. Eintracht Frankfurt vs. Bayern Munich – Germany Super Cup

Speaking of teams that crushed their leagues, will anyone be able to hold a candle to Bayern this year?  They were nearly every bit as dominant as Man City in England was.  Frankfurt won the nation’s FA Cup to earn their spot here, despite finishing just 8th in the league.  They play hosts today.

Like most Super Cups, this is a glorified friendly to kick off the impending league season. Soooooper!  Except that it doesn’t count.   (2:30 PM, FS2)

RESULT:   Bayern   0-5

Image result for super soccer

 

 

 

Get ready for all manner of super-ness.

  1. Barcelona vs. Sevilla – Spanish Super Cup

Same as above, almost.  Barcelona cruised to their 2017-18 La Liga title, and won the FA Cup there as well.  They get a Copa final rematch against Sevilla, who finished 7th in the league.  They played literally just half the offense and defense of Barcelona.  Ouch.  This one gets played at Moroccan club IR Tanger’s new stadium.   (4:00 PM, ESPNEWS)

RESULT:   Barca   2-1

  1. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

Last year, Herediano won both the Apertura and Clausura half-seasons.  They’re an absolute beast on defense.  Both times, Saprissa was #B, and for the latter they were separated by just one point in the table.

Costa Rica and the U.S. top leagues are simply the two best in the CONCACAF region, after Mexico.   And THAT calls for musical interlude.

RESULT:   Saprissa   1-0

  1. Rijeka vs. Hajduk Split – Croatia First League

Croatia is on the mind of soccer fans the world over after their amazing run to the final in the World Cup.  Their league is rated in the top third of Europe (#16).

Last year, it was a three-horse race, and these two lost out do Dinamo Zagreb for the title and league’s only Champions League slot.  Rijeka were statistically the best team of them all, but a whopping ten draws left them short.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Alianza vs. Santa Tecla – El Slavador Premier

Noob’s tired of fighting the typo, going to embrace it instead.  Ehhhl Sllllllllavadoooohhhhr!

Alianza won both the Apertura and Clausura tournaments last year.  Santa Tecla was #B both times.  The race was much closer in the Clausura.  In fact, they had the better goal differential.  This league, too, is just getting its new season underway.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for El Slavador

 

 

 

If “El Slavador” is good enough for the CIA, it’s good enough for Noob.

  1. Luzern vs. Young Boys of Bern – Swiss Super League

The table was clearly stratified by the end of 2017-18 here.  YBB won the league by 15 points.  Luzern were 15 behind the #B club.  Today’s hosts can compete again for a Europa League berth.  But if they want a shot at the CL, they need buckets more goals than last year.

RESULT:   YBB   2-3

  1. Molde vs. Brann – Norway Eliteserien

In northern Europe, they’re over halfway through their league seasons.  Brann have only lost one match, but five draws have meant the title is anything but decided.

Molde have all the shiny stats to look like they should be competing even more closely for the title.  But their five losses are the most of any realistic contenders.  At eight points behind in the table, this home match is must-win for The Fighting Sea Char.

The Management:   Is that a kind of slamon?  What an awful nickname.  Good thing you just made it up, asshat.

The sllllllamon of El Sllllllllavahdoooooohhr!

The Management:  Rrrriiiight…

RESULT:   Molde   5-1

Image result for Molde Norway salmon

 

So long from Molde, Norway — home of contagious slamon!

The Management:  Where do we even start fixing you?…

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (5/20) – MLS, La Liga Final lead us!

Gotta be honest.  Noob’s as weird here as ever with the match previews, and pretty scattershot to boot.   Madonna, Grover, a love-lorn Noob.   None of it related, all of it bizarre.

Still, these are the ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow.  Noob will never compromise, despite the packaging. 🙂

  1. Atlanta United vs. New York Red Bulls – MLS

#1 hosts #5 in a matchup that’s even more exciting than that!  NYRB have played 1-4 fewer games than most teams in the Eastern Conference, will very likely climb the table.

But likely not today.  Atlanta’s home field advantage – thanks to league-leading attendance – has to loom large.  If Red Bulls are to pull off a road upset today, they’ll need to keep scoring like they’ve been, get a big game from British national forward Bradley Wright-Phillips.   (7:00 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   1-3   NYRB     Two goals for Wright-Phillips.  Red Bulls climb to 4th place.

Image result for Bradley Wright-Phillips

 

 

 

Congratulations…?

B.  Toluca vs. Santos – Liga MX

The Final!   League #4 Santos won the first leg 2-1.  But now they get to deal with the league’s regular season-leading defense and champs in Toluca.  In their last meeting outside this Liguilla (postseason tournament),Toluca stymied Santos’ usually-impressive offense 2-0.   (6:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   1-1    Your Clausura champions are Santos!  1-2 on aggregate

Image result for letter B singing

 

Number B is in a musical mood.  Super.

Noob’ll work in some Madonna for no reason whatsoever!

  1. Lazio vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

Italy gets four clubs into Champions League and Lazio is sitting on that last one.  Inter only trail them by three.  If Inter win, then they win the first tiebreaker, which is head-to-head points.  (They drew in their other match this season.)

Catch this one on beIN Sports (2:45 PM) if you can, Noobites.  Lazio lead the league in scoring, but also gave up way more goals than any other team anywhere near top of the table.

Image result for lazio defense

 

 

“Strike a pose/ there’s nothing to it…”

  1. Aves vs. Sporting CP – Taca de Portugal

It’s an FA Cup Final!   They’ll play it in Lisbon, if not on Sporting’s home pitch.

Desportivo das Aves have had a wonderful run in this event, but it looks to end here.  They finished 13th in Primeira Liga for a reason.  #3 Sporting are more defensively-styled themselves, but should have little trouble permeating Aves’ poor defense.

RESULT:   Aves   2-1    After finishing 3rd in the league, Sporting CP fans basically rioted at the team HQ.   Noob is terrified what they’ll do after this result.

Image result for desportivo das aves funny

“I can feel your heart beat/ for the very first tiiiime…”

*head bop*

Enough of that now.

  1. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

A Final!   Noob may not understand how exactly Saprissa qualified for it, but they’re here!  Herediano won both the Apertura and Clausura (first and second half-season tournaments).  Saprissa finished #B in the aggregate table for both.  The first leg between these two went 1-1 at Herediano.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …needing to find someone to edumuhcate me on Costa Rican league format.  Que lastima.

RESULT:   Saprissa   0-0 /  4-3 PK      So away-goals wasn’t a tiebreaker in Costa Rica.  In any case, kudos to the champs!

  1. Alianza vs. Santa Tecla – El Salvador Premier

This Final is interesting because it’s played as a two-legged tie, but both ties are at a neutral site.  Well, technically.  It’s not their home pitch, but they’re in San Salvador, Alianza’s home city.  Perhaps that helped them win the first leg 2-0.

These two finished in #1 and #B in the Clausura, respectively.  A bit strangely, it’s #B Santa Tecla that boasted both the top offense and defense.   (5:00 PM, Centroamerica TV)

RESULT:    Alianza   1-0     

Image result for El Salvador football funny

Noob thinks this is a zing of some kind.  I wish Grover there would translate.  (Grover??)

  1. Universidad de Concepcion vs. Universidad Catolica – Chile Premier

Catolica are #1, having only allowed eight goals all season.  That’s almost twice as good as the next-best teams.  Meanwhile, #3 Concepcion have won an astounding nine consecutive matches.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Concepcion moving into a tie for the league lead, 2-1.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Hammarby vs. AIK – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Pass the pitted drupes, it’s #1 vs. #B!  Neither has lost yet, though AIK has drawn in nearly half their games.  Hammarby finished merely 9th last year.   This season, they’ve ramped up the offense and then some.  Their defense is still sketchy at best, so perennial power AIK can’t be counted out.

RESULT:   AIK   0-1

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They know their stone fruits in Sweden.  Snack on.

  1. Sanfrecce Hiroshima vs. Cerezo Osaka – Japan J1 League

Japanophile The Management must be appeased!   Well, plus Noob likes to spread his coverage-love around geographically.   And this is a sterling matchup.

Hiroshima have won 13 of their 15 matches.  They barely missed being Relegated a year ago!  The difference?  Defense.  Just five goals conceded in thus far.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Well, more feels that C.Osaka have overachieved in winning three straight matches.  Hiroshima continues it’s league onslaught, 4-1.

RESULT:   Cerezo Osaka   0-2

  1. Tampines Rovers vs. Albirex Niigata – Singapore S. League

Double I’s.  Noob is once again transfixed.  Why do you torture me so?  I know my love for you is unreturned, double I’s.  Do you even know Noob?  Would you look at me if we passed each other along the Marina Bay waterfront?

Oh yes, and #B faces #1.

RESULT:   Albirex Niigata   3-4

Top 7 Romantic Attractions in Singapore

 

So long from Marina Bay, Singapore!

Where Noob waits beyond hope for double-i’s…

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/14) – calling all suckitude!

Clubs are starting to drop like flies as many of UEFA league seasons come to an end.  But the Relegation fun never ends!  Let’s get to know some clubs here at their bitter ends.

But first, some matches of import for happier reasons!

  1. Fulham vs. Derby County – English Championship

League #6 Derby County took the first leg of this Promotion Playoff semifinal, 1-0.  But today, #3 Fulham have the home pitch advantage.  The winner advances to face either Aston Villa or Middlesbrough.  Look for Fulham to return to being the terror on offense today they were all league season.

RESULT:   Fulham   2-0   And so they advance!

Image result for work promotion funny

B.  Brondby vs. Midtjylland – Denmark Superliga

#1 vs. #B!

Three matches to go in Denmark.  Brondby lead by three in the table, so Midtjylland needs a result here or they’re essentially finished.  That’s not only for the title, but this league gets just one Champions League invite.  It’s worth nothing that Brondby haven’t lost since September.

RESULT:   Midtjylland   0-1    And now they’re tied!  (Well, Borndby still lead on tiebreaking goal differential.)

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Number B is excited for an impending B-team title!

  1. Al Ahli vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

It’s the Round of 16 in Asian’s top event!  Qatari side Al-Sadd won the first leg 2-1.  UAE’s Al Ahli are the underdogs for this tie, and at home Noob thinks they’re only an even match.

RESULT:   2-2   Al-Sadd are on to the Quarters!

And now, the transition into the glorious suckitude!

  1. Karabukspor vs. Fenerbahce – Turkey Super Lig

This match does double duty, being important at both ends of the table.

Fenerbahce have made a remarkable climb back into the Champions League berth conversation with seven straight league wins.  This has them in 4th.  They’re not in title contention heading into this last match, but a win gives them a chance at #B.  But anything short of that, plus losses by both teams ahead of them, and it’s destination: Europa League.

Karabukspor, what can Noob say?  You earned fewer than half as many points as the team in second-to-last.  No shame, no judgement, but come back when you’re worthy.  Relegation.

RESULT:   Fenerbahce   0-7      not a typo

Image result for karabukspor wheelchair basketball

 

Fun Fact:  Wheelchair basketball is one of the only three sports supported by Karabukspor’s club.

  1. Bray Wanderers vs. Waterford – League of Ireland Premier

Good night, but Bray are awful!   They’ve only earned points in three games this season.  That’s more than twice as bad as the next team up.  Giving up more than two goals per match will have that effect.  Waterford have had a super season, sitting in 3rd.

Fun Fact:  Bray Wanderers’ home supporter attendance averages just 300.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Deportivo Capiata – Paraguay Pro Division

3 de Febrero are going to go right back down to second division.  Hopefully they get souvenir t-shirts before they go, or some emblazoned Yeti cups.  Something.

RESULT:   3 de Febrero   3-0    It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

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Fun Fact:   3 de Febrero are named for the date of the national holiday of St. Blas (Blaise) Day.

  1. Slaven vs. NK Istra 1961 – Croatia First League

With two league matches remaining, the best Istra can do is tread water and remain in second-to-last place.  This means to play First League next year, they’d have to survive a Playoff against the #B second division club.  Currently they’re tied for last, but Cibalia only have one game left.  Slaven are in 7th.

Fun Fact:  Istra plays in a Roman arena on which construction first began in the year 27 B.C.

RESULT:   Slaven   1-0

  1. Kalmar FF vs. Sirius – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

They’re not quite ten games into this summer league’s season, but last-place Sirius aren’t even averaging a goal per game.

Kalmar are a surprise at 4th so far, having been very, very not-4th in 2017.  Noob’s expecting a breath-taking scoreless draw from these two.

RESULT:   Kalmar   1-0

Image result for Kalmar ff

 

Noob knows crest-bashing isn’t high art but…

…them’s underwear.

  1. Pirin Blagoevgrad vs. Etar – Bulgaria First Pro League

Etar won the first Relegation Playout match 2-1.  The loser here will have to win two consecutive two-legged ties to remain in the top flight.  The winners only have to win one of their next two.

Fun Fact:   PB are “The Baby Eagles”.   Could we get some adult eagles in here?

RESULT:   Etar   0-1

  1. Gorica vs. ND Triglav – Slovenia Prva Liga

Last-place Trigalv’s hope of a road win today lies in that fact that mid-table Gorica might be unmotivated here at season’s end.  If they can climb just one spot, Gorica gets a chance to stay in the top tier league by defeating the second-place team from Slovenia’s Second League.

RESULT:  Triglav   0-2    Relegation Monday miracle number B on the day!

NK Triglav Kranj.svg

 

 

So long from Kranj, Slovenia, home of the Orli (“Eagles”)!  Adult ones.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (5/13) – led by MLS double-feature!

The ten most important soccer matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow.   For all the rampant caaamedy, there’s actual football nougat inside this candy bar!   Come, savor it, Noobites.

  1. Orlando City vs. Atlanta United – MLS

The Management and Noob shake our collective fist at you, Orlando City!   Constructing a city on a swamp is the worst idea ever, but footyball facts are undeniable.  The #3 team in the East is en fuego.  They’ve won six consecutive matches, including an impressive 4-3 win over New York Red Bulls.

Can Atlanta rekindle their fire after a road loss to Western #1 Sporting Kansas City?  Probably!  They’re #1 for a reason.

Noobstradamus Sees:   MLS #1-ranked (tied with Tim Howard, COL) Brad Guzan standing on his head today and shutting down The Orlando City Lions Bad Urban Planners.   ATL 0-2.

RESULT:   ATL   1-2.   Any man alive were Orlando fans upset at the end of that one.  Throwing bottles all over the field.  Stay classy, central Florida.

Image result for bad urban planning funny

 

 

 

Orlando, FL Urban Planning Office

B.  LAFC vs. NYCFC – MLS

The Alphabet Soup Derby – could it catch on as a moniker?  Noobites, let’s get this silliness done.  Today, it’s a battle of #B’s, too.  They’re both second place in their respective divisions.

LAFC has been so impressive for a first-year expansion club.  Uruguayan national Diego Rossi is their big goal-scorer to have an eye on.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that the early season crown of being #1 lay too heavy on the heads of NYCFC.  They’ve lost two of three, including an 0-4 curbstomping by NY Red Bulls.  Momentum.  LAFC 1-0.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for letter B swarm

 

 

No need to fear Number B’s.

Unless you like Number Two.

Then you shall feel the stinging wrath!

3.  Toluca vs. Tijuana – Liga MX

Tijuana mildly surprised by winning the first leg of this postseason Liguilla semifinal, 2-1.  Going to ten-time champions Toluca’s house today is another matter entirely though.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …the defensive battle I thought the first leg would be.  Toluca 1-0, with a goal just before the half.

RESULT:   Toluca   4-1   They advance!

  1. Newcastle United vs. Chelsea – English Premier

Chelsea really screwed the pooch last match, drawing lowly Hudderfield come to their stadium and achieve a draw.  Now they’re two points behind Liverpool for 4th and the league’s final Champions League berth.  To be fair, they’d been on a five-win tear right before that.

Newcastle seem to have thrown in the towel on the season two weeks ago, losing four straight.  But all Liverpool need to hang on to 4th is a draw at home against the Brighton & Hove Albion Nobodies.  (Nickname verified.)

(The Management here:  Nickname verified as false, asshat.)

Noobstadamus Sees:  Trouble brewing at the office between me and The Management.  Let’s rumble!

RESULT:   Newcastle   3-0     And The Management and Noob ended up doing a test run of a movie review podcast, so all is well.

Image result for fighting with management funny

 

 

 

Quarter neither asked nor given, The Management!!

  1. Maritimo vs. Sporting CP – Primeira Liga

Things are looking grim, if not impossible, for Sporting CP and their CL aspirations.  Portugal’s league gets two berths.  They’re tied for #B, but down insurmountably on goal differential.  And today they get a reasonably tough test on the road at #7 Maritimo.  Far worse, Benfica (fellow #B) have a gimme against low-run Moirirense at home.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  …Europa League in Sporting’s future, even with a 1-2 win today.

RESULT:   Maritimo   2-1    So it’s Europa League for Sporting CP

  1. Standard Liege vs. Club Brugge – Belgium First Division A

This has become won of the best title races in Europe!

Standard Liege just took down Anderlecht, now get their shot at the #1 club.  But they trail by four points in the table, and there’s just one league match to be played after this.  This is must-win for SL regarding title hopes.  Of more concern might be that they’re only ahead of Anderlecht by a point for the second and only other CL invite.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …that Standard Liege has been unbeatable since the league split into championship and relegation subdivisions.  They ratchet up the high drama with a 4-2 win today!

RESULT:   1-1     And so, congrats to Club Brugge, your 2017-18 league champion!

Image result for stoner drama funny

 

 

There may be confusion about “high drama”.

  1. Nurnburg vs. Fortuna Dusseldorf – 2. Bundeliga

For the league title!  So what if it’s second-tier.  This still may well be one of the top-half quality leagues in Europe.

These two are tied and this is the last match of the season.  Someone in charge of scheduling knew what they were doing a year ago!  Nurnburg lead on GD, so FD has to have the win to get the hardware.   But they’re both Promoted to Bundesliga next year, so they’’ll probably go out drinking together afterwards no matter what happens.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …hangovers for everyone!

RESULT:   Dusseldorf   2-3    The game-winner at 90′!   Kudos, champions.

  1. Motagua vs. Marathon – Honduras National League

The Final!  Leg one anyway.  They were #B and #1 in the Clausura (second-half) regular season, deservedly made it through the postseason bracket to duke it out here.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that, once again, defense travels!  0-1 Marathon.  They’ve the best in the country.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for honduran military funny

 

Honduran defense confused by clown.

It doesn’t HAVE to make sense.  This is Noob.

  1. Saprissa vs. Alajuense – Costa Rica Premier

It’s the last game of the season, and these two are tied in the “Quadrangular”.  The top four from the Clausura regular season have been playing a double round robin.  Saprissa leads on GD, so Alajuense must win on the road to net the title.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Saprissa taking the title, 2-0.   Saprissa are one of North America’s sneaky-best clubs.

RESULT:   1-1  

  1. Corinthians vs. Palmeiras – Brazil Serie A

They’re only a few matches into the season in Brazil, so Noob features last seasons #1 and #B titans facing off!

RESULT:   Corinthians   1-0

Bonus matches:   #1 and league champ Celtic are hosting #B Aberdeen in Scotland.  Also, I’ll offer The Management an olive branch after the earlier rumbling and mention that #2 FC Tokyo is hosting #3 Consadole Sapporo in J1 League.  Happy?

Image result for sao paulo odd

 

 

 

So long from Sao Paulo!

‘10 to Track’ for Sat., 4/27 – from MLS and Liga MX to Europe and beyond, it’s a Noobstradamus-day!

Noobstradamus, did you hit the Sativa instead of the Indica?   It’s a tidal wave today of prognostication excellence (*cough cough*) from our resident ancient seer!

Here are the 10 most important games to track today, for us, the newish American fans.

  1. New England Revolution  vs Sporting Kansas City – MLS

KC has a five-point lead in the West, but the next two behind them have played two fewer games.   Things will tighten up. The Revs are in 4th in the East, a far sight better than last season.

Noob looks for the high-powered Kansas City side to score early and often.  New England’s defense is solid, but KC lead the entire league in goals made.       (7:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   New England   1-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Why hate when I can prognosticate?

1-2 Kansas City is the today’s future.

 

B.    Orlando Pride vs Seattle Thorns- NWSL

Noobstradamus says 0-1, Seattle over Swanp City.  Down with bad urban planning!

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

I foresee Number B replacing that archaic Number to in lists, thanks to this quest.  Archaic things, meh!

Wait, I’m archaic…

 

3.  Tigres vs. Monterrey – Liga MX

Both have qualified for the postseason Liguilla heading into this final regular season match.  But seeding is still very much in the air.  They are 4th and 3rd now, but either could jump to #B with a win tonight.

Tigres will try to keep the pace slow.  They can’t take Monterrey in a goal-fest.   Noobstradamus sees all, sees a 1-1 draw.  (8:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   2-2

4.  Inter Milan vs Juventus – Serie A

Juve is only a point up on #B Napoli.  Inter is in 5th, just outside the Champions League slots.  But they trail the next two teams up by just one in the table.  Juve are better on both sides of the ball, and loads better on offense.    (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Juve   2-3    Good LAWD!   Juve was watching their title slip away, down 2-1 with three minutes plus added time to go.  They scored twice more before 90′.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Inter will run out of gas now and going forward.   0-1 Juve today

5.  Bayer Leverkusen vs Stuttgart – Bundesliga

Will the pressure get to Leverkusen?  They’re 4th, barely in a CL slot  they SHOULD handle 10th place Stuttgart.  (12:30 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Stuttgart   0-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

2-1 Leverkusen.  Stuttgart is German for “stuttering child”.  You don’t need other-worldly powers to see their going to lose.

The Management here:  Noobstra-dumbass doesn’t know German.

6.  Swansea vs Chelsea – English Premier

Four matches to go and 5th place Chelsea still trails #4, Noob-reviled Hotspur by five points in the table.

Meanwhile, Swansea are fighting for their Premier lives at the other end of the standings.  They’re only one slot above the Relegation line, though at least they have a four-point lead on the next club down.  They can’t score.  They have the best defense among the league’s worst teams, but that’s quite the qualifier.   (12:30 PM, Universo)

RESULT:   Chelsea   0-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

1-3 Chelsea.

I also predict Hotspur will  be Relegated for being named for a historic traitor.

7.  Lyon vs Nantes – Ligue 1

Hiccup Watch match for #3 Lyon. France only gets three into CL nowadays   Pummeling #9 Nantes will give them relief.   Noobstradamus says Lyon 3-0.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-0

8.  Herediano vs Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

The top two collide in the postseason!  Noobstradamus predicts concussions.  Ouch.

RESULT:   Herediano   1-0

9.  Sendai vs. Sapporo – J 1 League

The Management must be given his Japan-fix.   The league is just far enough in now for Noob to pay attention.

Noobstradamus has no score prediction, but prognosticates The Management will today bring up in conversation a culturally subversive animated show from there that features an office worker Red Panda that fights off existential ennui by performing in a death metal band at night.

Noob isn’t kidding.  It’s so disorienting, all I can do is figuratively projectile-vomit out number #10 – Reno and OKC in USL action.  Reno scores LOTS. They’ll win…14-3 today. Maybe.

RESULTS:   J1 League match ends 2-2;  Reno   2-0

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (3/18) – All four of Europe’s top leagues repped

The ten most important matches for the newish American fan to follow.  It’s what Noob does.  I filter better than Brita.

  1. Dallas vs. Seattle Sounders – MLS

Dallas stumbled down the stretch last season and finished 7th in the Western Conference, just missing the playoffs.  Noob-reviled Seattle finished #B.  They did it with a top defense.  It’s a new season, sure, but Dallas needs to get on the board first, or it could be a long day.   (5:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   Dallas   3-0     And there was JOY

Image result for Seattle meme

 

 

 

Man, I really loathe you, Seattle!

B.  Wigan Athletic vs. Southampton – English FA Cup

Wigans’ defeat last round of Premier League titans Man City was the upset of the season worldwide.  The third-tier league side have to believe anything is possible now.  They get a comparatively manageable foe today.

Southampton are two leagues above Wigan and that should mean everything.  But will they even be putting all their energies into this tournament?   They’ve slipped into the Relegation Zone in Premier League, could not be blamed for saving starters for those matches.  (9:30 AM, FS2)

RESULT:   Southampton   0-2

Image result for letter B zany

 

 

 

Number B’s taking it all in stride.

  1. Bethlehem Steel vs. Richmond Kickers – USL

Last year’s #8 hosts #14.  But it’s the one American division two game today.  And…

RESULT:   Bethlehem   4-1

Image result for bethlehem steel zoolander

 

…the return of superfan Derek Zoolander!

  1. Marseille vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

This is Lyon’s last, best chance to make a move on a Champions League berth for next year.  The league has slipped in strength and now only gets three slots.  And Lyon is in 4th, by five points behind their hosts today.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-3     Lyon with the winner at 90′!

  1. RB Leipzig vs. Bayern Munich – Bundesliga

Maybe 6th-place Leipzig can hope the undisputed German champs will play a bunch of backups on the road today, rest up for their current Champions League run.   (1:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Leipzig   2-1     They’re still in 6th, but now 4th and a C.L. berth is at least in sight.

  1. Villareal vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

It’s hard to imagine undefeated Barcelona suddenly going on a skid.  At eight points back, #B Atletico has to be hoping beyond hope for exactly that.

Villareal, meanwhile, are in a tight four-way race for three Europa League invites.  They’re probably the best of those four, but that doesn’t mean they can’t lose this game of Spanish musical chairs.   (1:30 PM, beIN Sports en Español).

RESULT:   Villareal  2-1      Winner at 90′ + 2!!

Image result for violent musical chairs

 

 

Musical Chairs – to the death!!

 

  1. Sampdoria vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

5th-place Inter Milan have played one less game than 4th-place Lazio, and trail them by just a point in the table.  That’s the last spot for a Champions League berth.

Noobstradamus prognosticates they will not play for a mere draw, even on the road against a tough 7th-place Sampdoria side trying to qualify for the next Europa League.  The hosts like to play a wide open game, and Inter would be better off trying to beat them at it than slowing things down.  2-3 is the score of the predestined shootout.   (7:30 AM, Rai Italia)

RESULT:   Inter Milan   0-5    Well, I had the number of goals and winner right.   Not a total bed-crapping.

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

 

barba fluente, niente pantaloni

  1. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

Alajuense took over the Clausura (second half-season) lead with their win yesterday.  But Saprissa and Herediano are just one and two points back, respectively.  There are just a few games to go, so better believe the league leaders are hoping for a draw in this match.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Apollon Limassol vs. APOEL Limassol – Cypriot First Division

Tied for 1st in Cyprus!  This league has already separated into its Championship and Relegation halves.  Apollon lead by virtue of greater head-to-head goal differential, but the odds of that mattering by the end seem low.

RESULT:   Apollon   4-2

  1. Cluj vs. FCSB – Romania Liga I

In Romania, too, they have divided into their league two halves now.

These two were just four points apart in the table when the regular season ended.  Before starting the Championship part of their season, the points they’ve all earned are halved (and then rounded up), so now these two are even closer.  #1 and league’s best defense hosts #B, league’s best offense.  Classic.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for romania classic funny

 

Noob had not known TV classic Beverly Hillbillies  was remade for a Romanian audience.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Wednesday, 8/27 – FA Cups, throwing shade at SheBelieves, and Evil Flower-Elmo…

The ten most important soccer matches for the newish American soccer fan to follow.  T2T are the spine of this project.  Noob hopes it is helpful and fun.

Tenured soccer fans, come on in and stay a while!  There;’s always a little to learn for everyone.

And the comedy attempt-aspect is NOT weird, confusing, or inappropriate.  Not ever.  *bonnnngggg*

  1. FC Dallas vs. Tauro – CONCACAF Champions League

The First Round continues.  Panamanian Tauro took down Dallas 1-0 in the first leg.  To advance, Dallas has to not only win, but they must win by at least two goals is Tauro gets one (tiebreaker rule – away goals).

Dallas is better on paper, looks like the favorite.  But it’s important to remember that the non-Amuricuhn clubs have been playing their league seasons for some time.  U.S. teams start their league this weekend, aren’t nearly as in form yet.

RESULT:   Dallas   3-2     But Tauro advances!  Aggregate ends 3-3, the Panamanians advancing on away-goal tiebreaker.

Image result for FC Dallas supporters

 

One stripper for the young Dallas supporter, one for the bull.

Noob’s terrified on multiple fronts..

B.  Guadalajara vs. Cibao – CONCACAF Champions League

The Mexican side won the away leg of this tie 0-2.  Now they get to finish off Ciabo from the Dominican Republic at home.    (8:00 PM Eastern, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Guadalajara   5-0

Image result for dominican letter B

 

 

 

Cardi B (and her Dominican dad) are thrilled this match is Number B.

  1. CF America vs. Saprissa – CONCACAF Champions League

Noob has often thought Costa Rica’s Saprissa was one of the sneaky-best clubs in the federation.  Well, they got not-so-sneaky clobbered 1-5 in the first leg of this fiasco.  CFA may win today 2-0 just by accident.    (10:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1      CFA advances on aggregate.

  1. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Rochdale – English FA Cup

The Fifth Round Proper has another Replay to do.  Third-tier Rochdale had a stunning finish to equalize in the first go-‘round between these two.  Their reward will seemingly be to get thrashed at Wembley, but at least they get to split the gate!  Noob fervently wishes for the upset, of course.    (2:45 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Hotspur   6-1      This was actually a match at halftime, 1-1.

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Die 1000 more times, traitorous Harry “Hotspur” Percy!

  1. Alebrijes Oaxaca vs. Puebla – Copa MX

This is the last game of the Group Stage for these two.  Second-division Oaxaca lead by a point.  Puebla is in second.  Most second-place teams from these Groups of three will advance.  But the worst-performing two of the nine will not, and right now Liga MX side Puebla are among those two.

Oaxaca would be fine with a draw.  Puebla has to win.  It will be entertaining to see which club can control the pace.

RESULT:   1-1     So Oaxaca advances, and Puebla -as the worst-finishing second place Group finisher – is out.

  1. Japan vs. Netherlands – Algarve Cup

Previously, this has been the premier invitational women’s tournament in the world.  The SheBelieves Cup has taken some of its luster, however, by siphoning off four of the very best national teams.

Noob is not pleased with this development over the last three years.  Algarve is a lovely region of Portugal, and tradition is wonderful.

Still, 12 teams play in Portugal, divided into Groups of four to start.  These two are ranked 9th and 7th by FIFA.

RESULT:   Netherlands   2-6      So much for Noob having tried to pick a competitive match from this event to feature

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Noob Believes She not believing in a space between two words makes She looks silly.

  1. Lazio vs. AC Milan – Coppa Italia

Lazio kept things scoreless in the first leg of this Semifinal tie.  Milan now has their work cut out for them for their road trip.  That said, if they can score an away-goal today, then Lazio has to get at least two to advance.

These two are 4th and 7th place in Serie A, respectively.    (2:45 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   AC Milan   1-1  /  4-5   pk

  1. Millonarios vs. Corinthians – Copa Libertadores

This is the first Group Stage match for these two.  Here, clubs are divided into Groups of four each.  The top two finishers in each advance, while the 3rd-place sides will get dropped down to Copa Sudamericana (South America’s version of Europa League).

Millonarios are the second-highest qualifying team from Colombia.  Corinthians are sort of the #1 qualifier from Brazil.  (Defending champions Gremio are from Brazil, go in automatically.)

Noobstradamus attests that home field advantage will be enough today, Millonarios will net a 2-1 last-minute, thrilling victory!

RESULT:   0-0      A thrilling prognostication failure…

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I also Believe a serious backlash is coming for ripping on SheBelieves.

Goodness.  That name does look stupid.

  1. Chambly vs. Strasbourg – Coupe de France

Minnow Alert!   Chambly may be stinking up Championnat National (third-tier) joint and be about to get Relegated, but they’ve made a surprise run to the Quarterfinal in this FA Cup.

Strasbourg are having a poor, forgettable year in Ligue 1, but they’re still Ligue 1 and so should whomp this team in their own house.    (12:30 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Chambly   1-0     Minnow success!

  1. Aves vs. Caldas – Taca de Portugal

Noob finds this arrangement strange.  Usually the higher-ranking team gets to host the second leg of a tie.  But for this Semifinal, Primeira Liga Aves hosts first.

Aves was promoted to Portugal’s top flight just this year.  They’re the best of the worst this season, on top of a tight group of clubs in the bottom of the table.  Caldas are a third-division team, sitting in the middle of one of the Campeonato subdivisions.

RESULT:   Aves   1-0

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Speaking of strange arrangements…