Tag: Serie A

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – World Cup, US Open, Isle of Sodor, and suckitude!

Since the FIFA World Cup is likely bringing fresh Noobite eyes to this humble site, allow Nob to explain:

On Mondays, world soccer schedules tend to be lighter than other times.  Stands to reason, given the weekend is heavy.  So the usual ‘ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – takes this turn:

A few top matches get featured, but we mostly embrace the suckitude, preview matches in which at least one club is in position to be Relegated to a lower league st season’s end.  Come, get to know some sad sack-squads before they fade away!

  1. Tunisia vs. England – FIFA World Cup

Welcome to Group G.  These two have been drawn with Belgium (the favorites) and Panama (very not favored).  This is the first match for these teams.  Reminder:  Round-robin in each Group, top two finishers advance.

The most likely drama in G is between these two for finishing behind Belgium and advancing to the Knockout Stage.  Tunisia is the top-ranked team out of Africa (FIFA #21).  England are tied for 12th with Denmark.

England have not won the World Cup since 1966, always seem to feel lots of pressure and then underperform in major tournaments.  This team isn’t as star-studded as some of the past, as they focus on a youth movement and defense.  What offense they do manage to produce will probably run through  Tottenham  Sir Toppem Hatt Hotspur star Harry Kane.  (Yes, Noob still loathes Hotspur — named for a historical traitor!)  Other star Marcus Rashford seems to be over his recent injury.

And there you have it, you’re water cooler chat-level mini-preview.  Be free!   Go search out more in-depth coverage should you desire, Noobites.  I’m doing so.   (2:00 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   England   1-2    Harry Kane with a brace (two goals)!

Image result for harry kane funny

 

 

You’re a poor man’s Ryan Gosling, Harry Kane.

 B.  Houston Dynamo vs. Minnesota United – U.S. Open Cup

The American FA Cup has reached its Round of 16.  Only one non-MLS team advanced this far, Sacramento Republic of the USL (and formerly NASL).

Here, we get two Western Conference clubs on the outside looking in right now for league postseason berths.  They’re in 7th and 9th place, respectively.  Dreaded Houston (down with cities built on swamps!) is much better than shown in the table so far though.  Mark Noob’s words:  They’ll not only make the playoffs, they’ll have home pitch advantage for at least one game.

Minnesota can’t score worth a lick.  They will be lambasted this Round of the Cup.

RESULT:   Houston   1-0

Image result for letter B cup

 

 

 

Number B enjoys the Cup matches as a cup, of sorts.

  1. Glennock vs. Junction & Sheds – Isle of Sodor Cup

Noob’s exclusive coverage of the Isle of Sodor inaugural Cup returns!  Hello from the small village of Glennock, located well inland in the east-central portion of the country.  They are one of the four clubs to advance out of qualifiers that took place in the spring.  They will play in the third and bottom division of the Sodor football pyramid when everything launches this coming season.

The larger town of Knapford sends one of their two teams for battle today.  Talk Noob catches locally indicates J&S will probably be a lower midtable team in the coming Premier League.  They are the favorites to win Group F.

RESULT:   J&S   1-8     Kary Hanesworth scored for Glennock scored first, but after that it was all carnage

  1. Dinamo Minsk vs. Vitebsk – Belarus Premier

Belarus’ top league falls smack into the middle of UEFA’s associations rankings.  Usual powerhouse BATE Borisov have a wide lead built, given that they’re not halfway through their season.

The most likely club to possibly catch them appears to be #B Dinamo Minsk.  They’ve got the defense, but no one’s offense there measures up to BATE’s.  #4 Vitebsk isn’t many points further back, but they’re just not traditionally at the table’s top.

RESULT:   1-1

And now we embrace the suckitude with Relegation matches!

Image result for Dinamo Minsk

 

 

Noob likes the crest, even if it does look like could be a brand logo on ice cream or something.

  1. Gomel vs. Smolevichy – Belarus Premier

Welcome back to the Track, Smolevichy!  They’re in an easier part of their schedule, as Noob recently featured them on a Monday playing another league bottom-feeder.

Talkin’ ‘bout you, Gomel.  Can’t score more than about a goal every three games on average, gonna get Relegated.  They’re in a three-way tie for the two Relegation spots now.  Still, this might be a gettable match for them.  Smolevichy plays small ball, so to speak, so this will be a low-scoring game.  First side to score – at all – wins.

Not-So-Fun Fact:  Gomel is close enough to Chernobyl that it was part of the radiation zone.  The population had been declining all the way until the early 2000’s.

RESULT:   Smoley   0-2

  1. Kyzylzhar Petropavlovsk vs. Shakhtar Karagandy – Kazakhstan Premier

My Scrabble dictionary just broke up with me for typing your club name.  Thanks, K.P.

The home side is tied for 10th, which would put them in a Playoff with a top second-division team trying to move up and usurp their place.  They also play so little defense, Noob’s not convinced they formally play a goalie.  Karagandy is in 8th.

Fun Fact:  Petropavl is named for the Christian apostles Peter and Paul

RESULT:   K.P.   1-0     Funner Fact:   It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Image result for angry book

 

 

Fine, Noob will just rebound with a Bartlett’s Book of Quotations.

  1. Independiente de Valle vs. Deportivo Cuenca – Ecuador Serie A

8th place hosts second-to-last in our one South American stop today.  IdV is only 8th, but Cuenca…. maybe they could pool their money with Karagandy above and split a goalie’s services.   (8:15 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   IdV   3-1

  1. Notre Dame vs. BDF – Barbados Premier

When Noob Tweets his regular announcement promoting the Track, if you don’t think I’m not hashtagging Notre Dame, you’re crazy.

The top tier league in Barbados just expanded this season from a ten-team, single group affair to a divided, two-“zone”, 12-team league.   Noobs Barbados source indicates that the bottom two teams in each Zone are below a line.  It seems doubtful they’re giving a third of the league The Boot, so more likely is that the four clubs will have a mini-tournament to determine which one or two move down

If Notre Dame can kick their offense up a notch, they may overtake one of the two teams just ahead of them.  That won’t happen today though.  BDF is the Zone 2 leader by a billion miles.  Noob would handicap this match by granting ND four goals.

RESULT:   BDF   0-6     Not a typo.   At four goals, Noob didn’t handicap Notre Dame enough.  Yikes.

Fun Fact:   Notre Dame play on the south side of the capital, Bridgetown – which used to be called The Town of St. Michael.  The area parish still carries that name.

Image result for Notre Dame university funny

 

 

 

 

Right, what she said.  Signed.  Whatever.

  1. Zakho vs. Naft – Iraq Premier

This is to Mondays in a row, Zakho.  In last by six points, Noob suspects you’ll be here enough I have to charge you rent.  Worse luck, you play the #4 and best defensive team in the league today.  Good luck with that.

Fun Fact:   “Zakho” might well mean either “victory” or “river of blood”, either likely stemming from an ancient Roman-Persian battle there.

RESULT:   Naft   0-2

  1. Shukura vs. WIT Georgia – Georgia Erovnuli Liga 2

Hey, Noob’s featured the third tier TWICE.  This is a step up in, er, toward relevance.

This league is strange.  Other than second-place Norchi Dinamo, every team here looks about the same on offense, statistically.  Last-place Shukura, however, seemingly enjoys just watching balls flutter by into their goal.  Only one team gets Dropped from this league at season’s end, and Shukura look like it by a wide berth.  #1 WIT Georgia will get the road W, riding their supreme defense.

Fun Fact:   Shukura are based in Kobuleti, a seaside resort town that’s super-popular with Armenian tourists.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Kobuleti beautiful

 

 

Were Noob not in Sodor, I’d be saying so long from Hotel Chveni Ezo in Kobleti.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday (6/15) – give Noobites more World Cup, Isle of Sodor footyball!

TGIGF!  “The ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow.”  Noob hopes the advent if the World Cup has brought many new patrons so that you can learn some fun stuff about the game, its leagues and such.

There are three World Cup matches today, and it goes without saying that all are “more important” than anything else going on in the football-world.  Noob plans on just previewing one each day early on, with priority given to CONCACAF, top-ranked Euro, South American, and other world teams, in that order.

Noob will continue to spend much of this space on top matches from other domestic leagues and cup tournaments, if for no other reason than to be different from the myriad of other soccer coverage out there.

  1. Portugal vs Spain – FIFA World Cup

#4 versus #10 FIFA-ranked teams in the world face off here.  These two are expected to advance as the top finishers in this Group, and easily.  The question will be who actually wins the Group, which will matter for Knockout Round seeding.

Ronaldo for Portugal and Silva for Spain are the two biggest stars playing today in a match bursting with them.  Also, and strangely – Spain fired their undefeated head coach two days ago.  What the fruit?

There.  Just enough to get you through water cooler-level chat.  Noob knows more in-depth coverage is out there.  I’ll be checking it out and learning myself!

RESULT:   3-3        A match for the ages!   Ronaldo with all three goals for Spain and Diego Costa with a pair for Portugal.

Image result for water cooler chat funny

B.  Castle Rolf vs. Suddery – Isle of Sodor Premier Cup

Three matches today in the IOS Cup.  This is the best one, as two Group E teams from the Premier League clash.  Castle Rolf finished 5th in the last PL table.  Suddery has an uncharacteristically poor year, sliding to 9th.

Castle Rolf have the closest thing to a good defense on Sodor.  They gave up just 1.1 goals per match  last season.  Suddery seemed to be victims of bad luck, leading the league in shots that hit woodwork by a wide margin (39!)

RESULT:   4-4

Image result for Rowlf muppets

 

Wrong.  Rolf.

At least Noob assumes so.  Sodor is an odd place…

3.  Cobresal vs. CD Everton – Copa Chile

It’s the Second Round in Chile’s FA Cup and 32 teams remain.  This match should be a doozie.  Cobresal are the top performer this year in the country’s second division.  C.D. Everton are in dead last in the Primera Division.

The first match of this two-legged tie at C.D.E. ended in a scoreless draw.  Noob still thinks Cobresal will be over-performing if they keep this one a draw again and force penalty kicks.  They’re in different leagues for a reason, plain and simple.

Fun Fact:  El Salvador, Actama, Chile is more mining camp than anything else, where Cobresal are from.

RESULT:   Cobresal   1-1  /  4-5 pk

  1. Ventsplis vs. Spartaks – Latvian Higher League

Welcome to the 41st-ranked league (of 54) in Europe.  Impressive?  Perhaps not.  But as Noob is taking to saying this time of year – hey, they’re playing!

These two are #B and #3 in this eight-team league.  They’re pretty even statistically.  RFS is the class and goal-scoring machine of this league.

RESULT:   Spartaks   1-2

FK Ventspils.png

 

 

Ventsplis’ crest is solid enough, yet would look even better as a key chain.

  1. Plavinas DM vs. Auda – Latvia Cup

Let’s double dip in Lativia!  Second Round action, 32 teams remain.  Unlike in Chile, this tournament is Knockout – one match and done.

Noob doesn’t have a lot to add for this one; just know that it’s happening.  Plavinas DM are a third-tier team, but I have no idea of what quality.  Auda are a second-division side, 8th place.

Fun Fact:  On Mythbusters, the idea that double-dipping a chip into dip spread as much bacteria as just sticking one’s whole mouth in the dip was debunked.

RESULT:   Auda   1-9    not a typo

  1. Brittons Hill vs. Weymouth Wales – Barbados Premier

This league is divided into what they label “zones”, as opposed to divisions.  These two are 1st and 3rd in one of them.

Each zone this year has one team absolutely laying waste to the rest.  Weymouth Wales is one of those.  They’ve outscored teams this year by a ridiculous 36-5 margin.  They’ll be playing Barbados Defence Force from the other zone for the league title eventually.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for 2018 Brittons Hill FC

 

 

The best players in Barbados can shoot Spidey-webs..

  1. APR vs. Rayon Sports – Rwanda National League

Rwandan top-flight teams have done just enough to move into the CAF rankings for next year, moving into a tie for 26th.  Hey, they’re playing!

APR are #B and part of a two-team race for this league’s title and CAF Champions League berth.  Rayon Sports are just a spot back, but seven points behind them and the season is over two dozen matches in.  Apr are better on both sides of the ball, if not by leaps and bounds.  This is a key home match to not blow if they want to keep pace with AS Kigali.

Fun Fact:  APR stands for Armée Patriotique Rwandaise (FC)

RESULT:   APR   2-1

  1. Sporting de Cabinda vs. Kabuscorp – Angola Girabola

Angola’s top league climbed to #13 in this year’s continental rankings – just one spot shy of earning themselves a second CAF Champions League berth.

Kabuscorp are in a three-way tie for 1st place.  Noob read somewhere that this club had been penalized table points for financial naughtinesses, but such is not reflected in the table out there Noob most trusts.

Kabuscorp is the offensive terror of the league.  This is a bad matchup for mid-table SdC, as they have trouble scoring.

RESULT:     now slated for tomorrow

Cabinda (red), exclave of Angola

 

 

 

That shaded area is the exclave province of Cabinda, separated from the country by DR Congo territory.

  1. Cheng Fung vs. Alfandega – Macao Premier

This is the 33rd-ranked league in Asia, of 46 associations.  The real battle in this one will be between #B and 3rd place.  Cheng Fung is in 4th.  Today is a day they can start to make a move on placing, Alfandega are last place with just one win and no draws in 15 matches.

Noob handicaps this match at +5 goals.  Alfandega have only scored 5 all year while allowing a staggering 79.

Fun Fact:  That’s a really, really bad goal differential.

RESULT:   Cheng Fung   1-0     Everybody have fun tonight.  Everybody Cheng Fung.

  1. Guarani vs. Sao Bento – Brazil Serie B

10th versus 6th doesn’t sound like much, but the top four get promoted to Serie A at season’s end.  Sao Bento haven’t shown yet that they have offense to compete with the top contenders here.  These need to pick up evenly-matched road games like these to hope to make the climb.

Fun Fact:  Sao Bento’s club was founded by horse tack manufacture employees.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for Sorocaba funny

 

 

 

So long from Cateye-witness News newscat and me.  Sorocaba, Sao Bento, Brazil.  Signing off.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (6/4) – embrace the suckitude

Ah, Monday.  Why grumble over it?  Instead, Noob suggests embracing the dark feelings it brings and celebrating the suckitude.

League schedules run lighter after the weekend (very light, as will soon be demonstrated).  So let’s mix in some matches involving teams that are perhaps about to get Relegated, get to know some before they disappear into the mist of footyball irrelevance.

  1. Real Monarchs SLC vs. Rio Grande Valley Toros – USL

#1 and Noob-reviled RM SLC host #14 Toros in the only Division One or Two match in ‘Muricuh today.  Noob will pull for the Toros since nothing royal/”real” belongs in here, but their odds don’t look good.  RGV’s goal differential is almost even, but they don’t have the offense to keep up with the league’s best side.

RESULT:   SLC   2-0

Image result for revolt against monarchy funny

 

 

Not on Noob’s watch.

B.  Italy vs. Netherlands – friendly

FIFA-ranked #20 visits #19 in a battle of two of the best teams not to qualify for World Cup late this month.  As the match is being played in Turin, Noob’s guess is they’ll console each other over fine glasses of Borolo.   (2:45 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Barolo letter B

 

 

 

Number B stands for “the king of wine, the wine of kings”.

  1. Parana Clube vs. Fluminense – Brazil Serie A

Fluminense is in 9th.  The top seven will qualify for the next Copa Libertadores, South America’s version of Champions League.  The season is still young, but this feels about right for “the tricolor”.

But it’s Parana in second-to-last which has our real attention on a Monday.  Bottom four will be Relegated.  They are one of two clubs yet to net a single win.  Three goals scored in eight games is not going to get it done.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Parana   2-1     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

  1. Hafnarfjordur vs. Keflavik – Iceland Urvalsfeild

Iceland’s top league is ranked just 35th in UEFA, sandwiched by Albania and Hungary.  The season here is even younger than in Brazil, but Keflavik have already taken over last place by going winless so far.  They’re no great shakes on D, but it’s their O that really lacks.  Hosts FH are #3.

Fun Fact:  Keflavik is named for a town that existed until 1994, when it merged with another to form Reykjanesbaer.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for keflavik

  1. Serbia vs. Chile – friendly

Chile is a top ten club in the world, yet failed to qualify for WC.  Noob’s thinking they’ll take it out on #35 Serbia, since that team is headed for Russia.  Serbia did notch a solid win against Nigeria in their most recent match.   (2:45 PM, beIN Sports En Español)

RESULT:   Chile   0-1

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Luqueño – Paraguay Premier

3 de Febrero is going to be a Monday fixture this summer.  They were just promoted up from Division Intermedia this year, and they’re going right back down.  Points earned per game average in the table determines who gets The Boot, and 3dF average not much more than half as much as the next-worst team.

Yet this might be a chance for a W!  Their visitors are in third to last in the Relegation table.

Fun Fact:   Cuidad del Este – 3dF’s home city, is also home to a massive number of Lebanese immigrants.

RESULT:   Luqueño   0-2

Image result for ciudad de Este mosque

 

 

Umar Ibn Al Khattab mosque is the largest mosque in Paraguay (as of 2015 anyway).

  1. Barbados vs. Belize – friendly

As you might imagine, neither of these national teams are headed to World Cup.  But it’s fun to get to know teams close to home, and these two are both in CONCACAF.  Full disclosure though, it also catches Noob’s eye because his next-door neighbors are from Belize.

They’re FIFA-ranked #158 and #169, respectively.  Belize finished last in their Group in the last Copa Centroamericano.  Barbados has never qualified for a major international competition.

RESULT:   0-0     (game was played yesterday)

  1. Persipura Jayapura vs. PSM Makassar – Indonesia Liga 1

PSM are deadlocked with Barito Putera for #1 in the league, which only gets one AFC Champions League berth.  #4 Persipura actually have a higher goal differential than any of the teams ahead of them.

Only 9 points separate 1st and last in this slightly below-average Asian league.  The title race is tighter than Meg Ryan’s face.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Meg Ryan botox face

 

This feels mean, but let’s treat this as a PSA.

Botox.  Like with everything else in live, moderation is wise.

  1. Skjetten vs. Lillestrom II – Norway 3. Division

What could #10 be when #9 is a fourth-tier Norwegian match?  Hey, with so many of the “major” European leagues having concluded their seasons, Noob’s more than willing to dig as deeply as needed to find teams on the edge of getting kicked out of their leagues.

This league is divided into six divisions, presumably regionalized.  Four clubs will get Relegated and Skjetten is among those right now.  Their GD is really pretty ok, so they may flirt with climbing out of the Drop Zone.  More offense is they key for them.  Their guests today are in 3rd.

Fun Fact:   Skjetten the town had very bad gang problems for 15 years, until about 2007.  Just not something Noob thinks about with Norway.  

RESULT:   Skjetten   3-2       more Relegation Monday magic!

  1. Aragvi Dusheti vs. Bakhmaro – Georgia Liga III

Third division Georgian football?  You’re goldurn the-country-not-the-U.S.-state-right!  This country’s top-flight league is only ranked 45th of 55 in Europe.  These guys might not just be non-pros, they might have to pay to play.

The bottom half of this league are all marked as Relegation possibilities by one of Noob’s sources, so this has to be a Playoff situation when the time comes.  A.D. are in third-to-last.  Bakhmaro are #5, score nearly twice as much as their hosts.

Fun Fact:  Dusheti is the name of the currently existing town, while Aragvi is the name of the rebellious duchy that no longer exists in that same area.  They kept getting their butts kicked by the other Georgians.

RESULT:   Dusheti   3-1        a trifecta of Monday magnificence, another upset!

Image result for dusheti georgia

 

 

So long from the Ananuri Fortress, Dusheti, Georgia!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (5/12) – MLS, top UEFA league’s drama, and more FA Cup Finals!

The ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – brook no nonsense (ok, maybe a little nonsense…) on the weekends.  There’s hardware to be passed out today, so let’s dive in.

  1. Columbus Crew vs. Chicago Fire – MLS

Noob originally had Dallas and LA Galaxy for the top game today, but it’s a save over the crossbar!  Correct best game identified.

Columbus are #4 in the Eastern Conference, have seemingly righted their ship.  They lost three straight matches before this unbeaten streak of four.  Chicago are having trouble on offense.  Four assists out of their aged Euro-star Bastian Schweinsteiger isn’t bad, but he’s stuck on one goal for the season.   (7:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Columbus 1-0 on an early goal.   Columbus doesn’t score much, either, but they’re tied for the conference lead in goal defense.

RESULT:   Columbus 3-0

Image result for bastian schweinsteiger mls funny

 

 

Do you have a question, Bastian?   Noob’s spot-on.

B.  Portland Thorns vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

Orlando have won four in a row!  That’s pushed them to 5th place, but Noob thinks the soccer gods are lulling them into a false sense of accomplishment.    (3:30 PM, Lifetime)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …#4 Portland repeating their 2-1 home win from earlier this season versus the Pride.  Down with cities built on swamps!

RESULT:   Orlando   1-2

Image result for letter B thorns

 

 

Number B – menacing with a thorny look

  1. Middlesbrough vs. Aston Villa – English Championship

The battle is on to determine which of the #3-6 clubs will get the third and final Promotion into Premier League for next season!  This is the first leg of a semifinal between, as you might imagine, two very even sides.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   1-1.  Saving the real drama for the return leg at Aston Villa.

RESULT:   Aston Villa 0-1

  1. 1899 Hoffenheim vs. Borussia Dortmund – Bundesliga

This is the last weekend of matches in Germany!  Reminder:  Four Champions League berths for this league.

#3 Dortmund are all but guaranteed one now, as they lead #4’s Hoffenheim and Leverkusen by three points each.  Might explain why they lost to lowly Mainz at home last match.

Hoffenheim is hoping their hosts today will be sleeping again.  Leverkusen play at home against also-ran Hannover today.   (9:30 AM, KTBC)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Hoffenheim 2-0, leaving Leverkusen having to utterly blowout Hannover to pass them.

RESULT:   Hoffenheim   3-1

Image result for soccer sleeping

 

 

He’s even in a yellow BVB jersey, see?

  1. AS Monaco vs. St. Etienne – Ligue 1

Monaco are tied for 3rd place and the final CL slot for France.  But they’ve got this and one more match to play, whereas their peer Marseille are down to just one.

St. Etienne may be #6 and fighting to hold onto their Europa League slot, but there’s a massive gulf in ability between the league’s top four and everyone else.   (3:00 PM, TV5MONDE)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Monaco leaving nothing to chance.  5-1.

RESULT:   1-0

  1. Inter Milan vs. Sassuolo – Serie A

With two matches to go in Italy, it’s Inter who are losing the game of musical chairs.  They’re in 5th, two points out of 4th and the final CL spot.  They have a possibly sneaky-tough matchup today as #12 Sassuolo have only lost once since mid-March.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that the competition Sassy-pants have been playing of late is decidedly not the league’s strongest.  Inter 3-0.

RESULT:   Sassuolo   1-2

Image result for sassy italian

 

Snausages!

Noob neither has nor needs any reason.

  1. Galatasaray vs. Yeni Malatyaspor – Turkey Super Lig

Hiccup Watch game.  Y.M. are 10th place, should be fodder for tied-for-1st Galatasaray.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Galatasaray – who have two matches left to just one for co-#1 Istanbul Basaksehir – not giving up that advantage.  4-1.

RESULT:   Galatasaray   2-0

  1. AEK Athens vs. PAOK – Greek Cup

The Final!  Athens get to host, no neutral site business here.  And it’s the league #1 vs. #B, as is good, right, and proper.   (1:30 PM, Antenna 20 Years)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Massive fires in Athens, a couple of maimings… it’s Greece!   Oh, and PAOK gets the upset, 1-1, then taking it in PK’s.  So make that several maimings.

RESULT:   PAOK   0-2

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Hold up.   Did someone say snausages?   Yummaaaay.

  1. HJK vs. FC Inter – Finnish Cup

Another Final!   This one shouldn’t be dramatic, truth be told.  HJK Helsinki are the league defending champions.  FC Inter are a bottom-half club who achieved nicely by getting to this match.

Noobstradamus Sees:   HJK 11-1.

  1. Sporting Cristal vs. Huancayo – Peru Premier

Let’s end the Track with one more Final!   This is the championship for the Verano (first of three regular season stages).  Cristal earned a 1-1 draw on the first leg of this two-match tie.  They are likely considered a full goal-better than Huancayo on their own pitch.   (9:30 PM, Peru Magico)

Noobstrdamus Sees:  …that funny things happen in footyball!  2-2 today, then the visitors take the title in penalty kicks.

RESULT:   Cristal 1-0     chamPEENS!

Image result for peru funny

 

So long from Peru–  from Noob and controversial Peruvian TV character “Peasant Jacinta”!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday – from MLS to a Saudi surprise

TGIGF!

‘The ten best matches for us – the newish American fans – to track’ takes its usual Friday bent, as we Trot the Globe!  Today, we’ll start in locales familiar, then jetset to four continents for footyball action!

There must be a crack in the airplane window today.  Nothing but a low oxygen level explains Noob’s weirdness this round…

  1. Toronto vs. Philadelphia Union – MLS

Philadelphia, we’re used to you being ungoodly.  8th in conference last year, same this season.

But Toronto?!   The defending champs are in last place in the Western Conference.  Apologists will say they had been putting most of their early season effort into the CONCACAF Champions League (in which they lost in the Final).  Contrarians might contend their stars are getting long in the tooth.   (8:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Philly 0-1.   On a late penalty kick.  After a bad call.

RESULT:   Toronto   3-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

It’s about time I was co-lead of this shite soccer site.  

Time to clean stuff up!

B.  Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Manchester United – English Premier

It will be interesting to see which side brings the energy today.  #B Man Utd. have already locked up their Champions League berth for next year.  BHA are in 14th, but could still be fighting hard for a top half finish.  Plus, each position up in the table is worth an average of about 2M pounds.  Not that Noob knows if the players get it.

BHA’s issue all season has been goal-scoring.  For a table-top team, Man Utd don’t score in droves, either.    (3:00 PM, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1     BHA scores early, Man Utd decides late that they’d like a point.

RESULT:   BHA   1-0

Image result for happy letter B

 

Noob hopes that’s a BHA fan, supporting the quest of Number B!

  1. Real Salt Lake City vs. Orange County – USL

Division Two this may be, but what a matchup.  The current 3rd-place and defending Western Conference champs take on #1 OC.

Real SLC trail OC by three in the table, but have played two fewer games.  But that’s not the only reason OC lead.  They are tied for the league’s best offense and sport the #1 defense as well.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Real 3-2.   Which sucks.  Because tenured Noobites know how Noob feels about anything royal/”real” in Muricuh!   Did we fight the Revolutionary War for no reason?

RESULT:   Real   2-1

  1. Al Ahly vs. Esperance – CAF Champions League

Africa’s Champions League group stage begins!  Four groups of four, top two finishers in each advance to the quarterfinals.

And Group A is your “Group of Death”.  These two clubs are why.   They are the runaway winners of the continent’s best two leagues (Egypt, Tunisia).

The other two in this group are a Botswanan club that had to get through a qualifying round and the champs out of Uganda – a mediocre, one-entrant league.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Al Ahly  4-1      The “Red Castle” are going to make a statement right out of the gate.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for group of death funny

  1. Braga vs. Boavista – Primeira Liga (UEFA #7)

Two league matches to go in Portugal, and things are scalding hot at top of table.

Braga trail the #3 and #B clubs by just three points.  To get a Champions League berth, they’ll have to pass both.  The good news for them is that they would likely hold the goal differential-tiebreaker over one of them should that come into play.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Braga having no trouble with #8 Boavista.  Too much firepower up front.  Braga 3-1.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Dynamo Kyiv vs. Mariupol – Ukraine Premier (UEFA #8)

D.K. lag behind #1 Shakhtar Donetsk by five points.  Even with surely a dominating performance today versus #5 Mariupol, they’re unlikely to catch up.  But Ukraine gets two into Champions League, so their weeping for what is lost will be short-lived.

Noobstradamus Sees:   D.K.  2-0

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for weep for what is lost

  1. Istanbul Basaksehir vs. Sivasspor – Turkey Super Lig (UEFA #10)

If Portugal is “scalding hot”, Turkey is pure lava!  The top four in Turkey are separated by all of four points.

Top two get into Champions league, and Besiktas is #B with three league matches to go.  But they face the toughest test this weekend among those top four, the #7 Spartans of Sivasspor.

Noobstradamus has had a stunning vision!

“I dreamt I was in the movie “Meet the Spartans”.  Kevin Sorbo and Diedrich Bader were doing battle in a gladiatorial stadium.  I looked on with Carmen Electra as the two combatants pelted one another with petrified baklava.  We delighted in the blood and faux-chocolatey spatter as they danced their dance of death.”

“In truth, the battle was very one-sided.   Sorbo, in a Sivasspor football kit, stood over the prone, dessert-covered Bader in his Istanbul gear.  Just before slamming the fatal shard into his heart, Sorbo shouted, ‘1-2’!”

It was a pretty abrupt ending to a terribly strange dream.  But Noobstradamus is only a host for the visions, not the controller.   Sivasspor deal a mighty blow today to Istanbul’s title hopes.

RESULT:   1-1     Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten chilidogs and watched Hercules and Outsourced back-to-back so late…

Image result for Kevin Sorbo Diedrich Bader

 

 

But in real life —

Best frehhhnds!

  1. Waterford vs. Dundalk – League of Ireland Premier (UEFA #38)

#3 hosts #2 in one of Europe’s “summer leagues”.  They’re only maybe 2/3 of the way through their season, not in the last matches like the “bigger” UEFA leagues.

Cork City is #1, but not running away with the title like last season.  Dundalk trails them by three, and surprising Waterford is just three more back.

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1    This will only be the fifth goal Dundalk has conceded all season.

RESULT:   Waterford   2-1

  1. Barcelona SC vs. LDU de Quito – Ecuador Serie A

If this looks familiar, it’s because it should.  These two just played on 4/29 in a Noob-featured match.  Quito hosted and won 2-1.  They now lead BSC by a point in the table.  But now BSC hosts.

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1     Quito is better on both sides of the ball, if not by leaps and bounds.

RESULT:   Quito   0-1

  1. Al Kawkab vs. Al-Raed – Saudi Pro League qualification

It’s a Final!  And Noob would be willing to bet no one else in the English-speaking world is previewing this match.

Al-Kawkab finished 4th in the second-division First League.  And they got whupped in the first leg by top-tier bottom feeder Al-Raed, 4-1.

If Kawkab has hope, it is that Raed played the worst defense in their league, and they played among the best offense in their own.  And Kawkab did score in that first road leg.  Noob suspects the player who got that – Senegalese forward Mignane Diouf – will have to catch fire.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Kawkab   2-1     Good, but not good enough

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for goodbye from Saudi Arabia

 

 

And goodbye from Saudi Arabia!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (4/30) – MLS rolls on, western UEFA leagues in the home stretches

Noob is here.  And he’s in effect.  Makin’ you work up a sweat…

OK, that’ll make comparatively more sense soon.

The 10 most important matches for us, the newish American fans, to follow!   Let’s push right into them.

  1. NYCFC vs. Dallas – MLS

At time of posting, NYCFC lead the Eastern Conference.  If Atlanta United come back against Montreal impact, they could be tied or in position #B.  Dallas are #3, but could get jumped by New York Red Bulls tonight.

Dallas crapped the bed the entire final stretch last season, wasting an otherwise strong season and just missed the Playoffs.  But they’re defense is stepped up and then some now; they’ve given up just three goals so far in ’18.

NYCFC can dominate on either side of the ball, will likely try to push the pace at home.

RESULT:   NYCFC   3-1

Image result for push it real good animated gif

 

 

Dare Noob say?

Push it real good.

B.  Manchester United vs. Arsenal – English Premier

It’s mathematically possible for #B Man Utd. to still fall out of the top four and miss the next Champions League.  Noob could also win Powerball and fulfill his dream of travelling by John Madden-style super-bus to the annual Scrabble tournament in Homer, Alaska.

It’s not my only dream.  But it IS a dream.

Arsenal are in 6th, locked in for Europa League.

RESULT:   Man Utd   2-1     Man U gets the winner in second half injury time!

Image result for letter B dream

 

 

 

Noob also dreams of Number B.

  1. Lyon vs. Manchester City – UEFA women’s Champions League

The first leg of the Semifinal went scoreless.  The three-time defending champions will find the back of the net at home though, win through.   It’s like American women’s college basketball.  There’s just not a lot of parity in the game yet.

RESULT:   Lyon   1-0

  1. Celtic vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Celtic just hosted Rangers two matches ago.  Weird.  Celtic lambasted them 4-0.

Anywho!  Celtic are on the edge of wrapping up the league title.  Rangers have slipped to 3rd, and could miss even Europa League if they don’t get it together.  But getting it together doesn’t happen for others at Celtic.

RESULT:   Celtic   5-0

Image result for aragorn football ranger

 

 

Wrong Ranger, wrong kit, Viggo.

  1. Galatasaray vs. Besiktas – Turkey Super Lig

Galatasaray and Fenerbahce are tied for 1st.  Besiktas and Istanbul Basaksehir are tied for 3rd.  This is going to be an epic league title finish!

And Noob is far from certain Galatasaray are going to get the story ending they want.  They’ve been inconsistent at best down the stretch.  They fare well enough against quality teams, but keep losing to garbage teams near or at the table’s bottom.

Besiktas, meanwhile, have won four straight.  But they haven’t beaten a good team since February.

RESULT:   Galatasaray   2-0

  1. Ajax vs. AZ Alkmaar – Netherlands Eredivisie

Just the top two Dutch teams get into Champions League these days.  Alkmaar are running out of time to be one.  They’re five points down in the table to Ajax for that second slot.  (And Eindhoven have already won the league.)

RESULT:   Ajax   3-0

Image result for az alkmaar funny

 

 

For-real photo of AZ goalie fighting off a charging Ajax fan.

  1. APOEL Nicosia vs. Apollon Limassol – Cyprus First Division

Cyprus?  Yip!  This league just cracked the top 20 in UEFA rankings.

APOEL took the regular season title, but Apollon Limassol has overtaken them now that the league is divided into Championship and Relegation subdivisions.  The new leaders have won five straight league matches.  Given how they’re beating teams on both offense and defense handily, they’re looking likely to hold onto the league’s lone Champions League berth.

RESULT:   APOEL   2-1   And into the lead by a point!

  1. FCSB vs. Cluj – Romania Liga I

It’s a similar story here as in Cyprus.  Cluj won the regular season battle, but FCSB have passed them in the Championship Playoffs.

It’s not like Cluj has been losing.  To anyone.  They’ve simply become a sister-kissing machine – nothing but draws of late nearly.  FCSB haven’t loss since February themselves, and have the momentum and home pitch advantage today.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for kissing machine

 

No…

 

No!

  1. LDU de Quito vs. Barcelona SC – Ecuador Serie A

Noob transitions you out of Europe with a match featuring a club named for a European club.  No sense disorienting any Noobites on a Sunday.

They’re ten games into the First Stage of the 2018-season.  #1 BSC sports the best offense and defense so far.  #B LDU de Quito will be their toughest test so far.  Only one team from Ecuador qualifies for Copa Libertadories, South America’s version of Champions League.

RESULT:   Quito   2-1

  1. Jeonbuk vs. Suwon Bluewings – South Korea K League 1

This is South Korea’s top-flight league.  Last year this was “K-League Classic”.

Defending champs Jeonbuk and #B Suwon have each lost only once nine games into this season.  Both losses were to crap teams, but right during AFC Champions League qualification.  Noob wonders if either was even playing starters.

Jeonbuk have scored the most so far, and have only allowed four goals to date.  Noob sees no reason to think Suwon will upset them at home.

RESULT:   Suwon   2-0

Image result for Jeonbuk champions

‘10 to Track’ for Sat., 4/27 – from MLS and Liga MX to Europe and beyond, it’s a Noobstradamus-day!

Noobstradamus, did you hit the Sativa instead of the Indica?   It’s a tidal wave today of prognostication excellence (*cough cough*) from our resident ancient seer!

Here are the 10 most important games to track today, for us, the newish American fans.

  1. New England Revolution  vs Sporting Kansas City – MLS

KC has a five-point lead in the West, but the next two behind them have played two fewer games.   Things will tighten up. The Revs are in 4th in the East, a far sight better than last season.

Noob looks for the high-powered Kansas City side to score early and often.  New England’s defense is solid, but KC lead the entire league in goals made.       (7:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   New England   1-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Why hate when I can prognosticate?

1-2 Kansas City is the today’s future.

 

B.    Orlando Pride vs Seattle Thorns- NWSL

Noobstradamus says 0-1, Seattle over Swanp City.  Down with bad urban planning!

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

I foresee Number B replacing that archaic Number to in lists, thanks to this quest.  Archaic things, meh!

Wait, I’m archaic…

 

3.  Tigres vs. Monterrey – Liga MX

Both have qualified for the postseason Liguilla heading into this final regular season match.  But seeding is still very much in the air.  They are 4th and 3rd now, but either could jump to #B with a win tonight.

Tigres will try to keep the pace slow.  They can’t take Monterrey in a goal-fest.   Noobstradamus sees all, sees a 1-1 draw.  (8:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   2-2

4.  Inter Milan vs Juventus – Serie A

Juve is only a point up on #B Napoli.  Inter is in 5th, just outside the Champions League slots.  But they trail the next two teams up by just one in the table.  Juve are better on both sides of the ball, and loads better on offense.    (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Juve   2-3    Good LAWD!   Juve was watching their title slip away, down 2-1 with three minutes plus added time to go.  They scored twice more before 90′.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Inter will run out of gas now and going forward.   0-1 Juve today

5.  Bayer Leverkusen vs Stuttgart – Bundesliga

Will the pressure get to Leverkusen?  They’re 4th, barely in a CL slot  they SHOULD handle 10th place Stuttgart.  (12:30 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Stuttgart   0-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

2-1 Leverkusen.  Stuttgart is German for “stuttering child”.  You don’t need other-worldly powers to see their going to lose.

The Management here:  Noobstra-dumbass doesn’t know German.

6.  Swansea vs Chelsea – English Premier

Four matches to go and 5th place Chelsea still trails #4, Noob-reviled Hotspur by five points in the table.

Meanwhile, Swansea are fighting for their Premier lives at the other end of the standings.  They’re only one slot above the Relegation line, though at least they have a four-point lead on the next club down.  They can’t score.  They have the best defense among the league’s worst teams, but that’s quite the qualifier.   (12:30 PM, Universo)

RESULT:   Chelsea   0-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

1-3 Chelsea.

I also predict Hotspur will  be Relegated for being named for a historic traitor.

7.  Lyon vs Nantes – Ligue 1

Hiccup Watch match for #3 Lyon. France only gets three into CL nowadays   Pummeling #9 Nantes will give them relief.   Noobstradamus says Lyon 3-0.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-0

8.  Herediano vs Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

The top two collide in the postseason!  Noobstradamus predicts concussions.  Ouch.

RESULT:   Herediano   1-0

9.  Sendai vs. Sapporo – J 1 League

The Management must be given his Japan-fix.   The league is just far enough in now for Noob to pay attention.

Noobstradamus has no score prediction, but prognosticates The Management will today bring up in conversation a culturally subversive animated show from there that features an office worker Red Panda that fights off existential ennui by performing in a death metal band at night.

Noob isn’t kidding.  It’s so disorienting, all I can do is figuratively projectile-vomit out number #10 – Reno and OKC in USL action.  Reno scores LOTS. They’ll win…14-3 today. Maybe.

RESULTS:   J1 League match ends 2-2;  Reno   2-0

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (4/21) – MLS, UEFA leagues, bad Zlatan-wear

The ten most important matches for us, the newish American fans.  Things go from important to absolutely paramount in Europe when the seasons are hitting their climaxes.

Before we get to those – ‘Muricuh!

  1. L.A. Galaxy vs. Atlanta United – MLS

What a different a year can make!   The talk if the league is the Galaxy’s signing of international megastar striker Zlatan Ibrahimovich, but it’s actually their defense that has that #B in the West.

Atlanta United will test that defense.  They’re #3 in the tougher Eastern Conference.  The game kicks off 9:00 PM Eastern on NBA League Pass 6.

RESULT:   ATL   0-2

Image result for zlatan odd

 

 

Now that he’s in L.A., I guess he can stop wearing crazy lady’s gift sweater.

B.  Columbus Crew vs. New England Revolution – MLS

Your Major League Soccer undercard pits the #4 team in the East against #3.  The Revs have improved their defense after missing the playoffs last season.  They’d been on quite a roll until getting skunked at home by Dallas.

Columbus have been skunkier though, not scoring in consecutive matches and losing three straight.  But they’ve been creating chances, getting a little unlikely hitting wood repeatedly.  Noob strongly feels the Crew will right their ship today.   (7:30 PM, NBA League Pass 7)

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for letter B skunk

 

 

 

Number B, about to learn a hard lesson about skunkiness.

  1. North Carolina Courage vs. Utah Royals – NWSL

The good news for expansion Utah – they’ve only allowed two goals in three matches.  The bad news – they’ve only scored once.  The worse news – they travel to defending regular season champions Courage today.   (3:30 PM, Lifetime)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Necaxa vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

Tigres are tied for 3rd with just three Clausura (second half-season) matches to go, but they have yet to secure a top-eight, postseason Liguilla spot.  Tigres are part of a three-way tie for 9th place, just a point shy of 8th.

Neither team gives up many goals.  If you like defense, this one is available to ogle at 10:00 PM on ESPN Deportes.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Mexican defense

 

 

The Mexican Hornet Defense.

Really, it’s called that.

  1. Manchester United vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – FA Cup

Noob-reviled, traitorously-named Hotspur face off against Man Utd in the Semifunal, at Wembley (neutral). Man U’s  slight edge on defense  should make them a winner today.  (12:15 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Man U   2-1

  1. Barcelona vs. Sevilla – Copa del Rey

It’s the Final!  Sevilla have had a tremendous run in Spain’s FA Cup, especially given that they’re only in 7th in La Liga.  That run ends today in Madrid, and won’t end well for them.  Barcelona have yet to lose a league match all year.  Barca by two feels right.   (3:30 PM, ESPNEWS)

RESULT:   Barca   5-0

Image result for copa del rey trophy 2018

  1. RB Leipzig vs. 1899 Hoffenheim – Bundesliga

With four matches to go, that is also the number of points by which Leipzig trail 4th place Borussia Dortmund for the league’s last Champions League invite.  Hoffenheim (and Frankfurt) in turn only trail Leipzig by a point.

Leipzig are hardly falling apart, but Hoffenheim are peaking at the perfect time.  They’ve not lost in seven straight matches.  If they can push the ball today, a pivotal road win should be in their grasp.   (9:30 AM, Fox Soccer Plus)

RESULT:   Hoffenheim   2-5     Hoffenheim move into 5th

  1. SPAL 2013 vs. AS Roma – Serie A

Roma, Lazio, and Inter – one’s not going to Champions League.  The race for the last two of the four CL slot Italy is tight and then some.  Roma and Lazio are tied, with Inter lurking just a point behind.

SPAL are only one slot above the Relegation Zone, so they are not without a reason to fight.  They can’t score in general, and they’re unlikely to against defensive juggernaut Roma.   (9:00 AM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:  Roma 0-3

Image result for SPAL meme

 

 

Meaning?  No clue.

Terrified?  You betcha.

  1. Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Vorskla – Ukraine Premier

This the #8 league in Europe, a real rising power, getting two CL berths this year.  They’ve replaced Poland as Noob’s under-the-radar league to watch.

Shakhtar are the goal-scoring giant here.  Vorskla are in 3rd, and have overachieved in getting there.  They won’t score today, get run roughshod over.

RESULT:   S.D.   4-2

  1. Phoenix Rising vs. Swope Park Rangers – USL

Noob loves him some second-tier footyball.  On the weekend, though, usually their matches give way to top-flight leagues.  I’d scouted a sweet UAE match with which to finish today’s Track, but Al Nasr has since fallen out of the top quarter of their league table.  Denied!

These both made the playoffs last year.  Just a handful of games into this season, they’re in position again.  That said, Rangers appear to have fallen off defensively.  A lot.  Noobstradamus says Phoenix’s offensive will finally break out, net them a 3-1 win today.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Phoenix Rising are about to get hot.  But it’ll be a dry heat.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday – bring on the pain!

After a weekend of most glorious footyball from around the world, Noob brings the sadness!

Let’s spend our ten most important matches around the world today on teams fighting against or even resigned to Relegation.  Honor the falling and fallen.

First, a few matches that matter much for happier reasons —

  1. Denmark vs. Ukraine – women’s World Cup qualification (UEFA)

Reminder:  Groups of five, winners advance, some of the best #B* finishers will play another qualifying round.

FIFA-ranked #13 Denmark trail #27 Ukraine by a point for Bth * in their Group.  Neither will catch Sweden to win it, so this is must-win for both sides.  Runner-up is their only shot, with nothing guaranteed even then.

RESULT:   Denmark   1-0

*Number B and B-th replace #2 and second in lists.  It’s a Quest for Change. Get on board, Noobites.

Image result for ronda rousey wwe

 

Now-WWE’s Rouna Rousey’s wrestling debut is done.  

So stay with the women’s sports today!

B.  “Red Bull” Leipzig vs. Bayer Leverkusen – Bundesliga

The German league title has been long since decided.  The top three seem clear.  But which club will get the fourth and final Champions League invite is up in the air and close.

Leipzig is in a tie for 4th, and has played one fewer game than their peer.  They are unbeaten since their ghastly February.  Leverkusen are behind them by only one point, and have also played one fewer game than most league teams.  Leverkusen haven’t scored in their last two league matches.  Advantage – Caffeinated Ones.  (2:30 PM Eastern, FS2)

RESULT:   Leverkusen   1-4    They are now in 4th.  Leipzig drops into a tie for 5th, and down on the tiebreaker.

Image result for too much Red bull

 

 

And welcome to the new world.

The world of Number B.

  1. FCSB vs. Craiova – Romania Liga I

#B hosts #3 in the league’s championship division, and they’ve played one fewer game each than #1.

FCSB only trails #1 by a point.  Craiova is another four back.  They need a win, stay alive with a draw, would be devastated by a loss.  Even as a top-20 league in Europe, this one only gets one Champions League berth.

RESULT:   FCSB   2-0

  1. France vs. Canadia – women’s international friendly

Women’s World Cup isn’t until next year, but say hello to a match that could be a Final as easily as any.  These are the #5 and #4-ranked teams in the world.  Noob doesn’t know how easily this is found in North America, but it’s on at 3:00 PM Eastern on TV5MONDE, a global French language broadcast channel.

RESULT:   France   1-0

Image result for tv5monde logo 2.5x the amount of monde as TV#BMONDE

 

 

And now, bring on the pain!!

  1. Genclerbirligi vs. Galatsaray – Turkey Super Lig

What better way to start the Relegation Watch sadness than in Turkey?  At least they get to host, but second-to-last place Gencler (yep, we’re tight like that) are hosting perhaps the league best team.  Genc-y only scores one about every other match, so this might get very ugly, very quickly.  (1:00 PM, beIN Sports)

Fun Fact:  Genclebirligi are knows as “The Wind of Ankara”.  It’s because they blow.

The Management:  Noob!

Fine.   It’s half-true anyway.

RESULT:   Gencler   1-0     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

  1. Estudiantes vs. Chacarita Juniors – Argentina Premier

Chacarita is on Relegation Monday enough to be charged rent.  They’re last in the multiyear table to determine which four clubs will get the boot, and by a lot.  Estudiantes are a midtable bunch.  (8:15 PM, TyC Sports International)

RESULT:   Chacarita   0-2      More Monday miracle action!

Image result

 

 

Yup.  Choco-rita.

  1. Juventus Bucaresti vs. Sepsi OSK – Romania Liga I

Romania – come for the featured championship subdivision match, stay for the wailing and gnashing of teeth!

These are the bottom two in the league’s Relegation Play-out subdivision.  They’re not so far back as to be without hope, so we may still see some fire in them.

Fun Fact:  Juventus Bucaresti are actually the intellectually-challenged spawn of Italian Juventus players from a generation ago, exiled to Romania.

The Management:  Noob!

What?  Make a new Page for the site and counter my claim there, The Management.  I’m working here.

RESULT:   Sepsi   0-2

  1. Etar vs. Dunav Ruse – Bulgaria First Pro League

This league has divided into championship and Relegation play-out subdivisions as well.  But why keep things simple?  They then divide the eight Play-out clubs into two smaller subdivisons.   The bottom two of each of those will play a bracketed tournament to see who stays and who goes.

These two are at the bottom of their subdivision and won’t be climbing up.  All that remains to be determined is which will host their bracketed-round match later on.

RESULT:   Etar   2-1

Fun Fact:  Etar are the Boyars, former Russian family of nobility

Image result for russian chef boyardee

 

 

Not Russian

  1. Vitez vs. Celik Zenica – Bosnia and Herzegovina Premier

Bottom two of the Relegation subdivision in one of UEFA’s weaker leagues.  Sadness upon sadness.

Fun Fact:  Vitez means “knight” in southern Slavic languages, and so their team is The Knights.

RESULT:   CZ   0-4

  1. Avellino vs. Perugia – Serie B

Is there any possible sunshine on a Relegation Monday?   Italy!

The bottom three are automatically booted to Serie C.  The next two have a Play-out match at season’s end, and the winner gets to stay up.  That’s where we find Avellino. And they’re statistically much better than the teams below them.   In fact, Noobstradamus is calling this one for the fighting Lupi!  #6 Perugia will fall.

RESULT:   Avellino   2-0     Wait, I got one right?  I mean, ummm… oh bloody hell.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

Perugua’s much to artsy-fartsy a city for me.  

(They make fun of my wardrobe there.)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Weekend Edition! Premier, MLS, all the best – plus new league coverage announcement

Hitting the hinterlands of world footyball yesterday was a dream, as always.  But weekends are where T2T gets (comparatively) serious.

Don’t miss the Sunday new league coverage announcement.  It’s gonna be!– well, it’s gonna be content.

Saturday, 3/31

  1. Chicago Fire vs. Portland Timbers – MLS

Both clubs have lost both their games this early season.  Last year, they finished 3rd and 6th in the Western Conference.  (Chicago has been moved into the East now.)  Both teams struggled on defense, at least when compared to other playoff teams.  (6:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6).

RESULT:   2-2

 

Portland- Basilisk’s iconic fried chicken sammich.  

Nice work!  Chicago deep dish still wins.

B.  Chicago Red Stars vs. Portland Thorns – NWSL

Double-header in Bridgeview, IL!   At least Noob assumes both are hosting on their same home pitch.  The 8:15 PM start time for this match suggests it.  These two finished in 4th and 2nd, respectively, last year.

RESULT:   Portland   2-3

Image result for letter B number 2

 

 

Can’t hedge!   You’re either into boring old Number Two or down with Number B.

  1. Paris Saint-Germain vs. AS Monaco – Coupe de la League

The Final!   This is not the FA Cup, but rather a tournament open to pro clubs in just the top three divisions in France.  Given that PSG has demolished all of Ligue 1 this year, Noob wonders if league #B Monaco will be revved up to snatch some hardware away from PSG.

RESULT:   PSG   3-0

  1. Bayern Munich vs. Borussia Dortmund – Bundesliga

1st place is out of reach for 3rd-place Dortmund, so maintaining their top-four place in the table and getting a Champions League invite is the goal.  They’d love even a draw against champ-in-waiting Bayern.  (12:30 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Bayern   6-0     not a typo.   this was a terrible, awesome rout

Image result for borussia dortmund funny

 

Those masks won’t help you hide from Bayern.   

BVB on your shirts, fellas.

  1. Juventus vs. AC Milan – Serie A

Milan is five points out of 4th place and the last Champions League berth.  1st-place Juventus has only lost twice all year, yet only lead Napoli by two points.

This is a bad matchup for Milan, as they have trouble scoring and Juve has the league’s best defense.  This may well be the world’s most important match this weekend.  (2:45 PM, Rai Italia)

RESULT:   Juve    3-1

  1. Sevilla vs. Barcelona – La Liga

Sevilla does not have a realistic shot of cracking the top four, but they are in line for a Europa League invite, being in 6th place.  7th will get in as well this year, but even that is not guaranteed for Sevilla.  Lots of teams are in the hunt.  Barcelona are undefeated, the best team in the world.  (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for game show prizes funny

 

6th place could win this dartboard and pool table.  And longer pool table?…

  1. Ljubljana vs. Maribor – Slovenia Prva Liga

[loo-blee-ah-nuh] have almost wrapped up the league title.  It’s hard to say historic powerhouse #B Maribor is ever quite completely out of it, but they are ten points back.  This league is only the 30th-strongest in Europa, but Noob is always down for matchups from the very top of tables.

RESULT:   1-1

Sunday, 4/1

**Soon, Noob’s exclusive coverage of the Isle of Sodor Premier League will begin!   Sudric football has been loosely organized at best.  Until now, with the formation of their FA.**

The Island of Sodor with it's hypothetical location in the UK (From Thomas the Tank Engine/Thomas and Friends) [OS] [5526x3175]

  1. Chelsea vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier

The only important drama left in Premier’s top of the table is right here.  5th place hosts 4th, a battle for the league’s final Champions League spot next year.   With just eight matches to go, it’s not quite a must-win for Chelsea at five points back.  But they sure as shite can’t lose.

So, c’mon, Chelsea.  Don’t let the traitorously-named Hotspur get the best of you.  Ramp up the so-so offense a bit and take these ne’er-do-wells down!  (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Hotspur   1-3

  1. UNAM Pumas vs. Necaxa – Liga MX

9th vs. 10th doesn’t look intriguing at a glance.  But remember:  the top eight clubs make the Liguilla, the postseason league tournament.

Noobstrdamus has access to the soccer alternate planes, has learned Necaxa will score the road upset today.  It couldn’t be that I read Pumas can’t play D at all.   It’s the first thing.  *nod*

RESULT:   1-1    Prognostication fail.  In fact, Pumas played most of the second half a man down.

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

I once tamed a wild puma with just my headband.

  1. Boca Juniors vs. Talleres – Argentina Premier

Finishing off the Track in style, as Noob is wont to do!   #1 hosts #B in Argentina’s astounding 28-club deep league.  Best offense versus best defense.   Pirate yourself an interwebs stream of this one somewhere.

RESULT:   Boca Juniors   2-1      Juniors get the go-ahead goal at 90′, open up a huge -9- point lead in the table.

Image result for pirated internet stream funny

 

 

See?  It’s a good idea.