Tag: South Park

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/28) – one lump of suckitude, or two?

With the World Cup well under a month away, get ready for an onslaught of national team-tuneups.  But don’t worry, Noobites!  Our Monday tradition of featuring teams about to be possibly Booted from their leagues still holds.

  1. U.S.A. vs. Bolivia – friendly

It’s not part of a tournament, and neither team is headed to the World Cup.  But it’s ‘Muricuh!

The teams are FIFA-ranked #24 and #57, respectively.  Not sure how much that will mean here.  Noob’s understanding is that a lot of young up-and-comers are going to get featured on the U.S. side.  Bolivia may well be doing similarly.  The match is yours at 6:30 PM, Eastern on FS1.

RESULT:   ‘Muricuh!   3-0

Image result for too patriotic

B.  Mexico vs. Wales – friendly

Now this is a World Cup tuneup for Mexico.  Wales was one of the stronger European teams to not qualify.  They are FIFA-ranked #15 and #21.   (9:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for letter B whale

 

Number B, the dragon is kind of the Welsh thing.  Not a whale

  1. Gaz Metan Medias vs. Juventus Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

For these two clubs, two matches to go in the Relegation Group in Romania. The bottom two will be auto-Booted.  #12 will get to play a Liga II team trying to displace them.

GMM are in 11th, one point up on Voluntari (who have played one more match already).  They’ve not lost in four consecutive matches, and beat J.B. 0-3 in their last meeting.  There’s no reason to think this one won’t play out much the same.  J.B. are awful, have last place sewn up already.

Fun Fact:   GMM are known as “the black wolves” and “the refinery workers”.  One is definitely cooler than the other, if more dangerous to have out on the pitch in a halftime show.

RESULTL:   GMM   3-0

  1. Poli Timisoara vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

Timisoara are in 13th, but could well still climb up to safety.  Hypothetically.  They’re only two points behind Voluntari.  Unfortunately for them, today they play the top team of this Group.  D.B. have won five straight matches, haven’t allowed a goal in the last four.

RESULT:   Dinamo   1-3

Image result for south park timmyFun Fact:   Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld are the halftime show for this match.

The Management:  No…

*bronx cheer*

  1. PSIS vs. Mitra Kukar – Indonesia Liga I

Welcome back, PSIS!   You’ve been featured here before.  Still in last place, Noob sees.  And only averaging one goal per match.  Ouch.  Mitra Kukar are maybe average.  PSIS could get a draw here, Noob suspects.

Fun Fact:   One of the PSIS main supporters groups is named “Snex”.  Which is totally going to mess with Noob’s Scrabble vocabulary.

RESULT:   PSIS   4-0     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!  They climb into second-to-last place.   (Bottom three finishers will be Demoted.)

Now for some mini-previews of international friendlies —

  1. France vs. Ireland – friendly

France rank #7 worldwide, expect to make the Knockout Stage of the World Cup.  Ireland did not qualify, are ranked #31.   (3:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   France   2-0

  1. Portugal vs. Tunisia – friendly

Both these teams made the WC.  Noob was surprised to discover how highly they’re both ranked, 4th and 14th.  Noob knew Tunisia was one of Africa’s best, but not that well-regarded.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Italy vs. Saudi Arabia – friendly

Saudi Arabia are the lowest team in the world to have qualified for Russia.  They’re ranked just 67th in the world.  20th-ranked Italy were one of the biggest surprises of the qualifying competition for WC, not getting in.

RESULT:   Italy   2-1

  1. Qabala vs. Kesla – Azerbaijan FA Cup

The Final!   Noob is surprised to not find runaway league-winner Qarabag in this match, but they got knocked out in the Quarterfinals.  League #B Qabala hosts below-average Kesla.  The visitors will do well to keep this within a goal even.

RESULT:   Kesla   0-1     Shocking!  Congrats!

  1. Botswana vs. Angola – COSAFA Cup

This is a tournament put on by the Council of Southern Africa Football Associations, being put on in South Africa.  13 nations are competing.  The strongest five teams have received byes into the Knockout Stage.

This one is a Group Stage match in Polokwane (Pietersberg), the first of three.  Angola carry the higher CAF ranking, but Botswana has already earned enough points to join them in the continental top-18 when next year’s come out.  This should be a very even matchup.

RESULT:   Botswana   2-1

Image result for Polokwane funny

 

 

 

So long from South Africa!

’10 to Track” soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/21) – the suckitude returns!

It’s a Relegation mashup today!   When the schedules are light on Mondays, we here embrace the pain of, get to know and celebrate teams in position to get Demoted.

Today, there are several matches of happier importance as well, so enjoy the remix of sorts.

  1. Montreal Impact vs. LA Galaxy – MLS

It may be just the Eastern Conference 10th place side versus #9 in the West, but it’s the only major game in the U.S. today!

For the rawest Noobites, the name to know for this game is Galaxy forward Zlatan Ibrahimovic.  He’s a Swedish national who was once perhaps the greatest player in the world.  He still thinks of himself as such, and that makes him super-fun.

And we should get a chance to see Zlatan – and others – score plenty.  Montreal are so bad in their own end, I wonder if they would even try defending their mother’s honor.   (3:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   L.A.   0-1    This, despite Zlatan getting a red card for slapping an opposing player in the side of the head.  The Galaxy climb to 7th.

Image result for ladies love zlatan

 

 

Zlatan is ready to attack or defend against whatever.

B.  Dundalk vs. Waterford – League of Ireland Premier

After a middling season last year, Waterford have had a magical stay near top of the table in 2018.  But they are fading.  Still 3rd-place, but they haven’t won in four straight matches now.

Dundalk are trending the other way, leading the league by two points in the standings.  They’ve scored 11 goals in their last four matches (including a League Cup game).

RESULT:   Dundalk   2-0

Image result for irish letter B

 

 

A bit cliche, Number B. 

But you do wear the hat well.

  1. Derry City vs. Bray Wanderers – League of Ireland Premier

Bray are mired so deeply in last place, they can’t even see the sun.  But they did defeat #5 Derry 2-1 in their most recent meeting!  Derry scores in droves, but can’t defend.  Bray can’t do either.

Fun Fact:  Bray have won the second-tier three times in club history.  (They’ve never done jack squat in Premier.)

RESULT:   Derry   2-0

  1. Brondby vs. Aalborg – Denmark Superliga

For Danish teams competing in the championship subdivision, this is the last match day.  (Relegation subdivision will have still more flailing to do.)  And the title is still up for grabs!

Brondby led all season, but have slipped to #B here at the end, trailing Midtjylland by two points in the table.  They get a very mediocre 5th-place Aalborg team that isn’t playing for anything.  But Midtjylland is hosting 6th-place Horsens and probably spanks them.

RESULT:   1-1      And so it’s congratulations to league champs Midtjylland!

Image result for soccer spanking

 

 

<—- Gratuitous soccer spanking image

  1. Randers vs. Lyngby – Denmark Superliga

Doesn’t Lyngby sounds like something one might spread over toast in the morning?  It does to Noob.  It sounds tart and delicious.  I once saw a promo on tv for a program about the history of toast.  But I didn’t watch it.  I mean, I like toast, but c’mon.

Noob?  It’s The Management.  Your doing that thing we talked about.

Unsubstantiated!   I am not wearing my Burger King King mask.  You said that commercial campaign was creepy, and I’m trying to take your word for it.  I –

No.  The other thing.

Right!  Um, Relegation match in Denmark.  Winner is the best of the worst four finishers in the league, gets to stay up.  Loser will vie with others lowbies for a while longer.

RESULT:   Randers   2-1   And so they save their own skin for another top-flight season.

  1. Poli Timisoara vs. Gaz Metan Medias – Romania Liga I

Juventus Bucaresti are already slated for demotion. Poli Timisoara sit in the other auto-Relegation slot currently.  But there are still five teams very much in the loser-mix.

GMM have actually won a few matches since the league divided into championship and relegation subdivisions, but both these teams have run hot and cold in both ends of the field for weeks now.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for timmaay

 

 

 

Fun Fact:  Big Timisoara supporter

  1. Elfsborg vs. Goteborg – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

Elfsborg, what happened to your offense?  Even as a mid-table team last summer, you were prolific in that regard!  Now?  League’s worst. Third-to-last place.

Fun Fact:  Noob thinks Elfsborg isn’t even real.  Isn’t it the name of that big elf-town on LOTR?

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Pirin Blagoevgrad vs. Vitosha Bistritsa – Bulgaria First Pro League

These are the two losers from the first round of this league’s Relegation Playoffs.  The loser of this match is done, demoted to Liga II for next season.  The winner will have to win a one-off match with a designated, current Liga II team in order to stay up.

Bistritsa, we’ve hardly known ye.  They won no matches in the regular season, and just one during the Relegation subdivision group stage of the season.  They were promoted last season after finishing 3rd in the second-tier First League.

RESULT:   Bistritsa   1-2     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

Image result for vitosha bistritsa watercourse

Fun Fact:  Vitosha Bistritsa is the name of a waterway as well.

  1. Weiner Neustadt vs. Wacker Innsbruck – Austria First League

Congrats, Wacker Innsbruck, you’ve clinched a top-two finish and promotion to your nation’s Bundesliga!  How will you celebrate today?

“With the Weiner-Wacker derby.”

Damn right you will!

RESULT:   Neustadt   1-0

  1. Qabala vs. Qarabag – Kazakhstan Premier

Way to go, Qarabag!  They’ve run away with the league title this year.  Qarabag are #B and have clinched a top-four finish and berth to the next Europa League.  So little is on the line here.

But Noob cannot resist the allure of #1 versus #B.  I don’t even try.

RESULT:   Qarabag   0-1

Image result for kazakhstan potassium mining

 

So long from Kazakhstan! 

Still an awesome exporter of potassium.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday, 3/4 – Welcome, LAFC

No time for dawdling, the ten most important soccer matches to follow for the newish American fan await us, Noobites!

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. New York City FC – MLS

Last year’s Western Conference #5 and a The Management fave hosts the Eastern’s #2.

Noob will refrain from rooting against KC just to spite The Management.  For now.  It’s a gesture of good will with which to start the season.  (7:30 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   0-2   NYCFC

Image result for truce funny

B.  Seattle Sounders vs. Los Angeles FC – MLS

Welcome, new MLS club!   Seattle – fie on you, and you know why.  Less-tenured Noobites can search back to learn about the douchebag fan/TA first soccer fan I ever knew.  Actually, I guess that is the story.  (5:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   0-1   LAFC

Image result for B is for

 

 

Number B welcomes you to the soccer family, baby LAFC.

  1. Manchester City vs. Chelsea – English Premier

The new league champs host last year’s.  Chelsea wear the sadpants, as it’s looking likely that won’t even make top four and next year’s Champions League.  Noob hopes they can catch fire starting here, pass 4th place, traitorously-named Tottenham  Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur.  (11:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT:   Man City   1-0

  1. Toluca vs. Pachuca – Liga MX

Tied for 6th hosts tied for 10th in a table so tight, the ordinal rankings just don’t matter yet.   Pachuca tends to play more wide open than most sides, so if Toluca can score first, this could turn into a rout.

In fact, Noobstradamus sees it just that way, 4-1 for the host Sausagers.  (1:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Toluca   2-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Sausage can be conjugated that way?

Not even I saw that coming.

  1. Barcelona vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

Barcelona have yet to lose on the season.  A win today against #B Atletico – with just one loss of their own – likely salts the title away.  They play the league’s best defense, but Barcelona’s an absolute monster with the ball.  (10:15 AM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Barcelona   1-0

  1. Montpelier vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

These two faced off less than a month ago in the Coupe de France.  Montpelier lost 1-2 at home then.  Will history repeat itself?

Lyon is in 4th, five points behind Marseilles for the third and final Champions League berth.  Montpelier are tied for 6th, trying to catch Rennes for the last Europa League slot.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for history repeats itself meme

 

 

 

 

History repeating itself

  1. AC Milan vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

Welcome back to the most interesting league race going.  Inter Milan were yesterday pushed out of the top four and a Champions League berth.  Today they’ll pull even on games played, but need a win to jump back up a spot in the table.

AC Milan are tied for 6th, but out of Europa League qualification based on tiebreaking goal differential.  They don’t have the defense to be great this year.  Noob smells a road win for “The Big Grass Snake”.

RESULT:   ppd

  1. Lokamotiv Moscow vs. Spartak Moscow – Russian Premier

#1 hosts #5, but with win a win Spartak would climb all the way up to #B.  Unlikely.  There’s a serious gap in defensive capability between them and the real powers of the league.

This is now the 6th-ranked league in European play.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for poor defense soccer funny

 

 

 

Defense.  You’re doing it wrong.

  1. Legia Warsaw vs. Lech Poznan – Poland Ekstraklasa

The regular season title is up for grabs as #1 hosts #3 in Europe’s 20th-ranked league.  Poznan sports the best goal differential in the league, so should give the league leaders a tough fight.

RESULT:   Warsaw   2-1

  1. Sanarate vs. Antigua Guatemala – Guatemala National League

Antigua was the Apertura (first half season) champs and are on top again now in the Clausura.

Sanrate has seen massive improvement.  They only finished 9th,  but are now tied for #B.  They scored 14 and gave up 22 goals before.  That line is now 14-8.  Still. Noob thinks they’d be pleased with a draw today, even being at home.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for pleased funny

 

 

Wait, can you say that?  That feels wrong.