Our “ten most important games to track for us, the newish American soccer fans”, hits its midweek stride. Cups, all Cups, all the time! Well, almost. You’ll see, Noobites.
Tuesday, 2/6
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Swansea City vs. Notts County – English FA Cup
It’s down to Replays in the Round of 32. Four of the matches ended in draws, and so get played over at the other team’s home pitch. This time, they’ll play extra time, do penalty kick shootouts to determine winners if need be.
Swansea’s having a dilemma. They need to remain focused, save their best players’ energy for Premier League games. They’re in a three-way tie for the first two Relegation Zone slots in the table. Could this open the door today for League Two (fourth-tier) Notts Co.?
RESULT: Swansea 8-1 Not a typo.
B. Yeovil Town vs. Fleetwood Town – EFL Trophy
A reminder of what this event is: a knockout tournament like the FA Cup, but with only League One and Two (third and fourth-tier) teams, plus Academy teams affiliated with clubs from the top two leagues.
This is the last Quarterfinal match, and Noob’s on fire for this one! Yeovil is Noob-adopted and Fleetwood Town is Noob-Reviled. Never before have I had two of these statuses face off in a featured T2T match.
Yeovil is having a garbage season in League Two. Fleetwood is faring similarly, but up in League One. Noob doesn’t care that Fleetwood Mac is not named for this club’s town. Anything that makes me think of Stevie Nicks is worthy of scorn! After Yeovil prevail, Noob will start a podcast just to belt out “Yeovil True” for the world!!
RESULT: Yeovil 3-2 Winning goal in the 90′!
Fleetwood pokes and prods me in ways you cannot imagine, Noobites.
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Celaya vs. Atletico se San Luis – Copa MX
Just as the Mexican leagues’ season is broken up into two wholly separate tournaments, so they also have to Copa. Only clubs from the top two divisions compete, and these two are both from the second-tier Ascenso.
Here in the Group Stage, the competing clubs are in pods of just three, and they play Double Round Robins. All three teams in this Group have earned three points in two matches, and are even tied on goal differential. Celaya won the Apertura, and so should be favored by plenty at home.
RESULT: Celaya 1-0
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Paderborn vs. Bayern Munich – DFB-Pokal (German FA Cup)
This is a Quarterfinal match as well. One doesn’t have to go far back at all historically to find Paderborn playing in the top division. For now, though, they’re winning the third-tier division. Naturally, they have their hands full and then some with Bundesliga #1 Bayern.
RESULT: Bayern 0-6 Also not a typo.
Good LAWD! Dan the Intern-o Inferno, are you still watching “The Path” on Hulu? Did it take such an unholy turn as this?
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Chennaiyin vs. Bengaluru – Indian Super League
#B hosts #1 in what Noob thinks of as India’s “promotional” league. India’s federation felt it needed a separate league from their co-top flight I-League for reasons that elude me. But we’re down with more footyball!
The top four will make the league playoffs. Bengaluru should be safe, four points up on the pack. A road win here would seal it. They have the better offense, but Chennaiyin play every bit as good of defense.
RESULT: Bengaluru 1-3
Wednesday, 2/7
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Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Newport County – English FA Cup
League Two Newport Co. held on for a 1-1 draw in their first match with Reviled Hotspur. All this has earned them is a chance to try again, but this time at Wembley. Sadly for Noob, they’ll be doing well to keep within two goals of the Traitorously-Named Ones.
RESULT: Hotspur 2-0
Harry “Hotspur” Percy even STOOD on PUPPIES!
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Atlas vs. Tampico Madero – Copa MX
All three teams in this Group are tied in the table with two matches to go. Ascenso side Tampico Madero could be strong enough to get promoted to the top flight at season’s end. That likely won’t help them on the road against better-than-average Liga MX Atlas.
RESULT: Tampico Madero 1-2
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Atlletico Nacional vs. Millonairos – Colombia Primera A Final
OK, so Noob’s confusion is now mostly resolved. Previously, it had been unclear to me just what this was. My instinct was right and it’s essentially a Super Cup, common to so many leagues, pitting the top two sides from the previous year in a preseason exhibition.
The first match of this two-legged tie went scoreless, so the winner today wins…well, a trophy Noob supposes.
RESULT: Millonarios 1-2
Um, hey. Juana – the game’s on…
Lucas, watch out for Harry Percy, might stand on ya’.
Thursday, 2/8
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Valencia vs. Barcelona – Copa del Rey
This is the second leg (match) of a Semifinal tie (series) in Spain’s FA Cup.
Barcelona have yet to lose in La Liga, so 3rd-place Valencia did well to lose just 0-1 in the first leg. It will take a mighty effort for them to advance to the Final, but home pitch can mean everything.
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Jorge WIlstermann vs. Oriente Petrolero – Copa Libertadores qualification
Wilstermann won the first match of this two-legged tie 1-2, and now get a chance to seal the deal at home against their weaker Bolivian league foe. The winner will make the final eight in this event, out of which six teams will make it into C.L.
Ewwww.
Um, play midfield really well.
While that may be working in Loon-land, things went catastrophically awry Tuesday night when some supporters of the Isle of Sodor’s Championship club Ballahoo A.F.C. tried singing it. 15 people ended up being treated after the ensuing brawl in the stands, with three still in intensive care at Vicarstown Memorial Hospital.
So what happened? After Ballahoo’s 4-2 win over Cross-ny-Cuirn FC, some home supporters started singing “Wonderwall”. A few catcalls aside, the crooners continued unimpeded until the beginning the chorus.
Sheela Boyd, president of the creatively-named Ballahoo Supporters, had this to say after hiding her brass knuckles: “Many of us thought it was a joke and they’d stop. But we no more than heard, ‘Because maybeeeeeeey,’ and knew they were for real and that chorus had to be stopped.”We welcome them. But they should've left their Oasis fanboyishness back in the Kingdom. Look, we understand the band is considered iconic there. The instrumentation is superb. The production choices they made for studio albums were concrete and admirable. But Liam Gallgher's singing is unbearable to anyone with an ear. Ethel Merman. Stevie Nicks. Both Brooks and Dunn. Liam Gallagher. There's your top four list of most awful, nasally singers the Lord God saw fit to create. We will never know why, as His ways are higher than ours."
“Ballahoo FC will be docked one point in the table. Dumping beer on anyone is wasteful, alcohol abuse. Liam Gallagher’s singing is terrible and his tambourine-playing is marginal at best.”