Noobstradamus, did you hit the Sativa instead of the Indica? It’s a tidal wave today of prognostication excellence (*cough cough*) from our resident ancient seer!
Here are the 10 most important games to track today, for us, the newish American fans.
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New England Revolution vs Sporting Kansas City – MLS
KC has a five-point lead in the West, but the next two behind them have played two fewer games. Things will tighten up. The Revs are in 4th in the East, a far sight better than last season.
Noob looks for the high-powered Kansas City side to score early and often. New England’s defense is solid, but KC lead the entire league in goals made. (7:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)
RESULT: New England 1-0
Why hate when I can prognosticate?
1-2 Kansas City is the today’s future.
B. Orlando Pride vs Seattle Thorns- NWSL
Noobstradamus says 0-1, Seattle over Swanp City. Down with bad urban planning!
RESULT: 1-1
I foresee Number B replacing that archaic Number to in lists, thanks to this quest. Archaic things, meh!
Wait, I’m archaic…
3. Tigres vs. Monterrey – Liga MX
Both have qualified for the postseason Liguilla heading into this final regular season match. But seeding is still very much in the air. They are 4th and 3rd now, but either could jump to #B with a win tonight.
Tigres will try to keep the pace slow. They can’t take Monterrey in a goal-fest. Noobstradamus sees all, sees a 1-1 draw. (8:00 PM, Univision)
RESULT: 2-2
4. Inter Milan vs Juventus – Serie A
Juve is only a point up on #B Napoli. Inter is in 5th, just outside the Champions League slots. But they trail the next two teams up by just one in the table. Juve are better on both sides of the ball, and loads better on offense. (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)
RESULT: Juve 2-3 Good LAWD! Juve was watching their title slip away, down 2-1 with three minutes plus added time to go. They scored twice more before 90′.
Inter will run out of gas now and going forward. 0-1 Juve today
5. Bayer Leverkusen vs Stuttgart – Bundesliga
Will the pressure get to Leverkusen? They’re 4th, barely in a CL slot they SHOULD handle 10th place Stuttgart. (12:30 PM, FS1)
RESULT: Stuttgart 0-1
2-1 Leverkusen. Stuttgart is German for “stuttering child”. You don’t need other-worldly powers to see their going to lose.
The Management here: Noobstra-dumbass doesn’t know German.
6. Swansea vs Chelsea – English Premier
Four matches to go and 5th place Chelsea still trails #4, Noob-reviled Hotspur by five points in the table.
Meanwhile, Swansea are fighting for their Premier lives at the other end of the standings. They’re only one slot above the Relegation line, though at least they have a four-point lead on the next club down. They can’t score. They have the best defense among the league’s worst teams, but that’s quite the qualifier. (12:30 PM, Universo)
RESULT: Chelsea 0-1
1-3 Chelsea.
I also predict Hotspur will be Relegated for being named for a historic traitor.
7. Lyon vs Nantes – Ligue 1
Hiccup Watch match for #3 Lyon. France only gets three into CL nowadays Pummeling #9 Nantes will give them relief. Noobstradamus says Lyon 3-0.
RESULT: Lyon 2-0
8. Herediano vs Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier
The top two collide in the postseason! Noobstradamus predicts concussions. Ouch.
RESULT: Herediano 1-0
9. Sendai vs. Sapporo – J 1 League
The Management must be given his Japan-fix. The league is just far enough in now for Noob to pay attention.
Noobstradamus has no score prediction, but prognosticates The Management will today bring up in conversation a culturally subversive animated show from there that features an office worker Red Panda that fights off existential ennui by performing in a death metal band at night.
Noob isn’t kidding. It’s so disorienting, all I can do is figuratively projectile-vomit out number #10 – Reno and OKC in USL action. Reno scores LOTS. They’ll win…14-3 today. Maybe.
RESULTS: J1 League match ends 2-2; Reno 2-0