UEFA Champions League Archives

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition (12/4-6) soccer match previews – Copa Argentina Final completes our Track

The Midweek Edition now stands complete at ten. There was just one match needed for Thursday to complete the set.

Tuesday and Wednesday’s matches and results now follow further down.

Please consider following Noob on Twitter @SoccerNoobUSA.com. Inquire for details on how to possibly join footyball discussions with cool cats on Bros Talking Soccer’s new Slack. And click an ad , if you are so inclined. Some of the stuff is even soccer-related!

Back again tomorrow for Globetrotting Friday!

Thursday

10. Rosario Central vs. Gimnasia LP – Copa Argentina

The Final! And this match is a one-off in Mendoza – a neutral location. Noob is continually surprised that outside Europe in particular that such otherwise weak-seeming teams advance to title matches. Rosario are in 14^th of 28 Primera league teams and Gimnasia in 21^st. The winner gets much more than a few pesos and a trophy. There’s a qualification to the next Copa Libertadores up for grabs!

Trying to get excited for this one, but it may be tough to watch. Rosario doesn’t score much, and they look like an offensive juggernaut compared to Gimnasia. Catch this one at 7:10 PM Eastern on TyC Sports International if you dare. And have a deep enough satellite TV package.

RESULT: Rosario 1-1 / 4-1 PK’s All hail the Argentine champs!

Image result for Mendoza argentina weird So long from Mendoza!

At least you can stay in a cool vineyard “hotel” when visiting.

Wednesday

3. Monterrey vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

Semifinals time in the Apertura (first half-season) Liguilla (playoffs)!

This this Round will also feature two-legged ties, same as the Quarters did. Regular season #1 Cruz Azul gets the honor of hosting the second leg of the home-and-away series, which means they open in Monterrey today.

Cruz Azul haven’t lost since October 20. They’d won five straight matches until finishing off their quarterfinal draw with a 1-1 draw last time out. Plenty of teams score as much or more than C.A., but none defend like them (just 13 goals given up in the 17-match regular season).

Monterrey haven’t proven to be quite as good on either side of the ball. But as one would imagine, they’re not that far off C.A.’s pace, given that they made the playoffs. They’ve not lost in five matches. But they’ve not beaten Cruz Azul in nine consecutive tries.

RESULT: Monterrey 1-0 Make that once in their last ten tries!

4. Manchester United vs. Arsenal – English Premier League

Arsenal just had a big, God-ordained win in the North London derby. After doing the Lord’s work in defeating named-for-an-historical-traitor (Harry Percy) Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur, can they get pumped up again for Man Utd.?

Man Utd have had a dismal year compared to expectations, the usual-title contenders wallowing in 8^th place right now. They haven’t won a league match in a month. None of this has been a fluke, either, as they’re struggling on both sides of the ball. For this team to rise again, the great goalkeeper David de Gea is going to need to lead the way. Defense has been even weaker than offense on the season.

Arsenal are in 4^th, which is the number of clubs EPL will qualify for the next Champions League. One would point out their offense as the best around if it weren’t for league #1 Man City blowing everyone out of the water in that department. Defense has been spotty for them, too, at least compared to other table-top clubs. German international Bernd Lemo has decidedly been the weak link. Looking for a shootout today. (3:00 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

RESULT: 2-2

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Sir Topham Hatt cannot be cross so soon after a Hotspur loss.

5. Atletico Junior vs. Atletico PR – Copa Sudamericana

The Final! And crap on a cracker, Noob would’nt have been passing on covering this event had I not had bad info stuck in my head.

This tournament is the equivalent of Europa League, a tournament below the level of Champions League – or, in South America – Copa Libertadores. Noob did not think the winner of Sudamericana automatically qualified for the following years Libertadores, but they do. And that’s some high stakes.

Columbia’s Junior started in the this year’s Libertadores. After finishing 3^rd place in their pod in the Group Stage there, they were dropped into this event. They’ve been very strong in their domestic league statistically, yet are just in 6^th place right now. Trouble closing out the close matches, anyone?

Atletico Paranaense only qualified for this event, were not dropped down from following a Libertadores round. They just finished the Brazilian season one spot (7^th) out of qualifying for the next Libertadores already.

Based on general knowledge of the pecking order of domestic leagues in South America and Elo ratings from footballdatabase.com, it seems fair to say Junior are an even match at best at home today.

RESULT: 1-1

6. Zamora vs. Deportivo Lara – Venezuela Premier

This is the second leg of the Serie Final, which pits the playoff champions from the Apertura and Clausura stages of the season against one another. The first match was played at Lara and ended in a 1-1 draw.

If one is interested in a couple extra details, scroll down to the Leg One match preview from 12/2. Suffice it to say here and now that Zamora are the hotter team the second half of the year and most definitely favored today at home.

RESULT: Zamora 4-1 2018 Venezuelan chamPEEENS will dance with that sexy disco robot from the future of 1984

Winners get to party at KirovBar, Barinas (home of Zamora FC) for disco and with this guy….thing!

7. Ulsan Hyundai vs. Daegu FC – (South) Korean FA Cup

The Final! First leg, anyway. Second one will be at Daegu. In Europe, FA Cup winners typically just qualify for the secondary Europa League tournament. Here, the winner not only qualifies for the next AFC Champions League, they’ll enter at the Group Stage (the latest any team enters).

Ulsan finished the K League 1 in third place. That’s just high enough to net them an AFC CL berth, but not as late as the Group Stage. They have to play their way into that as things stand now, via a “playoff round”.

Daegu finished just 7^th, didn’t qualify for squat. They’re not nearly as good on either side of the ball as Ulsan, but particularly trail them in goal-scoring.

That said, Daegu haven’t lost in any of their last seven matches across all competitions. They enter vastly hotter than Ulsan. Noob thinks Daegu are easily an even match for Ulsan, maybe even should be favored, given all the momentum they have.

RESULT: Daegu 1-2 #7 in the league, but #1 in our FA Cup-hearts!

8. Northeast United vs. Bengaluru – India Super League

Reminder: India has two top-flite leagues. The other is the I-League. ISL is the one that does not have promotion/relegation. It was created under more of an MLS-like franchise model to promote soccer in the country. They do not qualify teams into international competition like AFC Champions League.

But that doesn’t mean this #B-#1 matchup is any less shiny and alluring! Top four will make the league playoffs. Bengalaru are still undefeated eight matches into the season. They have a game in hand on Northeast, on top of leading them by four points in the table. These teams are the cream of the crop defensively, so look for a low-scoring affair today. (9:00 AM, Asianet Movies)

RESULT: 1-1 Bengaluru saved their undefeated record at 90′ with a goal

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That… doesn’t feel relevant…

Who’s doing images around here now, anyway?

Noob missed Dan the Intern-Inferno.

9. Turbine Potsdam vs. VfL Wolfsburg – Frauen-Bundesliga

Lyon may be the #1 women’s team in Europe, but it’s Germany’s top league that ranks most highly. And no German team is mightier than Wolfsburg – 10-0-0 so far.

Top two will qualify for the next women’s UEFA Champions League. That second slot looks likely to either go to Potsdam or Bayern Munich. No one’ going to get Wolfsburg though. After all, they’ve outscored opponents 46-2 so far. Good golly.

RESULT: 1-1 The leaders can bleed, they’re human!

Tuesday

1. UANL vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX Femenil

Time for the second leg of the Apertura (first half-season) Semfinals! All four teams are in action today. This matchup intrigues Noob a little more because UANL are undefeated. Guadalajara got a 1-1 draw at their own place, no small feat.

Matching up with the league’s best on their own turf likely to be a whole other matter. UANL scored over three goals per match during the regular season, 2/3 again as many as Guadalajara, and while playing about the same caliber of defense.

RESULT: UANL 5-3 On to the finals!

B. Montpelier vs. Lille – Ligue 2

Paris Saint-Germain are still undefeated, miles ahead of the pack. So the race is on for just two more Champions League berths. Lille have fallen to 4^th, not having one in any of their last five outings. They’ve been outscored 8-3 over that time. Montpelier are #B in the table.

RESULT: Lille 0-1 Lille jump up to # B

But wait, just two matches to start the week? Yup. Sounds like more high-quality content that soccer lovers everywhere want. It’s time for a —

NOOB SANDWICH REVIEWOOB!

Last installment of NOOB SANDWICH REVIEWOOB, Noob took Subway to task over there new steak sandwich on sunflower bread, a catastrophe if ever there was one.

Today’s featured sammich is much close to home for Noob. My six year-old daughter – PersonNoob -created this one recently.

What you’re seeing is four pieces of wheat bread in a

single stack. Each is liberally covered with strawberry jelly. Here pictured, I’ve removed the top layer to show what she has smashed inside — a Little Bites “birthday cake”-flavored mini-muffin.

We know from “Fizzy’s Lunch Lab” television program that “wheat is sweet”. But four pieces? I applaud PersonNoob’s creativity, but one only needs more than two if you’re layering the sammich in different ways between slices. I blame myself as a parent.

The mini-muffins are fine as prepackaged fare goes. Certainly eaten my share of ones PN hasn’t finished on our way to her school.

To my surprise, the sweet jam and the “birthday” aspect of the muffin didn’t make this sickeningly sweet, at least not at the first bite. Yes, I tried it, though only ventured that one bite. As you might imagine, the texture was just straight up waaaay too much bread.

So does Noob dare really rate a sandwich his own sweet daughter created? You betcha. And while this is the highest rating I’ve yet given a sandwich, the finished product still didn’t do all that well.

On the Noob Sammich Review sammich rating scale of one to five Sammiches, I rate the “Extra-Tall Wheat Jelly and Birthday Cake Mini-Muffin Sandwich” at just 1.5 Sammiches.

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday (12/3) — previews for Matches of Suckitude

Noob always endeavors to bring us the ten most important matches to follow as newish American fans of the global game.

Monday’s, that “importance” takes a different turn – Matches of Suckitude! Most of today’s featured games include at least one club on the verge of getting Relegated from their league, kicked out for poor performance.

As always, let’s start with a few matches of happier import —

1. Guiseley vs. Fleetwood Town – English FA Cup

This is the Second Round Proper of the tournament. There are Rounds before these two “Proper” ones, qualifying rounds for teams from levels 5-10 of the English football pyramid. At the First Round proper, teams from the third and fourth pyramid levels entered the competition.

Just a few teams from Level 6 (and none lower) remain now. Those are considered Minnows – underdogs. Folks like to root for them to make surprising, deep runs in this event. Guiseley, from West Yorkshire) will take all the support they can garner. They were Relegated from the National League (level 5) last year after a last-place finish and they’re doing little better this year a level down. The defense is okay, but the offense is nearly non-existent.

Fleetwood are from the third tier, League One. They’re below average there. But they’re fully professional and so should be heavy favorites today.

RESULT: Fleetwood 1-2

B. APOEL Nicosia vs. Apollon Limassol – Cyprus First Division

Surprise, the Cypriot league is in the top 20 in all UEFA! If they rise a few more spots, they may soon qualify multiple teams for UEFA Champions League.

Noob has a soft spot APOEL, as one of my earliest Twitter followers is a mom of one of their players.

They’re in 3rd. Much as Noob wishes it were otherwise, I suspect this league will eventually be a two-team race between Apollon (the best team in the league) and #1-for-the-moment AEL Limassol.

APOEL are only an even match at best for their guests today.

RESULT: APOEL 5-1 Oh MY

Image result for soft letter B

Noob also has a soft spot for soft Number B.

3. Bhayangkara vs. PSM Makassar – Indonesia Liga 1

Noob can never be accused of not being a citizen of the world. #27 league in Asia? Sure! The season there is nearly done and the title is undecided. Just one team may even possibly qualify for the next AFC Champions League from here. The champ may also end up in the AFC Cup, a secondary tournament for teams from what the AFC considers “developing football nations”.

Only two matches remain for all clubs there, and Makassar trail Jakarta by two points in the table. No other team is close enough to possibly catch them.

Unfortunately for Makassar, Bhayangkara still have something to play for. They can still catch the #3 club, and that slot might qualify for an AFC Cup berth. Bhayangkara don’t have the defensive PSM do, but the score about the same. At home, Noob considers them a slight favorite.

RESULT: 0-0

And now, your Matches of Suckit000000000d —

4. Levante vs. Athletic Club – La Liga

Three clubs will get Relegated from Spain’s top league at season’s end. Currently, Athletic Club are 18^th of 20 teams. They’d be even deeper in the hole with their just one win, but they’ve earned draws in a mind-boggling eight of their dozen other matches.

Levante are 11^th, as average as it gets. At home, that should easily be good enough to beat Athletic Club. Though I guess a ninth draw might be in order for the guests today. (3:00 PM Eastern, beIN Sports)

RESULT: Levante 3-0

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Lots of ties, Noob gets it.

The tiny soul patch is the more troubling facet.

5. Nurnberg vs. Bayer Leverkusen – Bundesliga

Germany’s is a another that gives three teams The Boot. Nurnberg is third-to-last, courtesy of not playing a goalie ever. Well, their stats make it look like that, anyway. Even so, they might have a coin-flip’s chance at a win at home today. #12 Leverkusen are better on both sides of the ball, but not by tons.

Fun Fact: Nurnberg have been Relegated from Bundesliga eight times, most all-time.

RESULT: 1-1

6. Bubali vs. Estrella – Aruba Division di Honor

Aruba? Surely nothing could suck in that paradise. But they have Relegation even there. One team will be automatically sent down. We’re getting to know our CONCACAF brethren, even in states of Suckitude. Hallo, neighbors!

The next two in the table are pegged to participate in a Relegation Playoff. To be honest, Noob’s not sure if they play one another and the loser also goes down to Division Uno (second-tier league) or if they play teams from Division Uno for a chance to stay up.

Regardless, Bubali are in 9^th of the ten teams. The season is just a few matches in there, but ti’s not too early to say that if they can’t up their scoring to better than one goal per, they’re going down. Estrella are in 4^th, but don’t defend a ton. Still, they have the firepower to handle Bubali, even on the road.

RESULT: Estrella 0-2

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There’s Bubali on the western coast.

7. Tigre vs. Godoy Cruz – Argentina Premier

Tigre are in 19^th of 28 teams. Not bad, if nowhere near good. Unfortunately for them, this league uses a three-year table for determining who goes down.

And Tigre were so awful the last two, there’s little they can do to save themselves from getting Dropped. They’re in last in that aggregate table, would have to jump three teams to stay up. Perhaps they might get a draw against 10th-place Godoy Cruz. (3:10 PM, TyC Sports International)

Fun Fact: Tigre made the Copa Sudamericana final in 2012, but refused to finish the match after falling behind 0-2 at the half (questionably citing “security concerns”).

RESULT: GC 1-3

8. Yeni Malatyaspor vs. Akhisarspor – Turkey Super Lig

Y.M. just got Promoted to top flite this season, but it’s not them that’s Sucking. They’re in 7^th. They’re parking the bus a little, not scoring or getting scored upon lots. It won’t get them higher in the table, but so far it’s easily keeping them afloat.

Akhisarspor are in third-to-last, and Turkey’s is yet another league that kicks three out annually. Their offense is almost average, but the defense is tied for worst.

RESULT: 1-1

Image result for turkey floating

Floating turkey.

No apologies.

9. AGF Aarhus vs. Velje Boldklub – Denmark Superliga

The Danish top league divided into Championship and Relegation subgroups later in the season. Top six play for the title. These two aren’t going to be among those.

Aarhus are in 11^th. They show enough of a spark on defense to give hope that they’ll ultimately survive, not actually be Relegated. Velje, on the other hand, are just plain awful. They don’t score even a goal per match on average, and not because they pack it in on D by any stretch.

Fun Fact: Aarhus were founded in 1880, primarily focused on gymnastics and fencing.

RESULT: Aarhus 2-1

10. Dibba Al-Fujairah vs. Al Ittihad Kalba – U.A.E. Pro-League

We finish our Track today in the #4 league in all Asia. That shiny ranking is no thanks whatsoever to DAF. They’re the mirror opposite of well-balanced, sporting both the second-worst offense and defense. Kalba are below-average, but should be favored by a goal even on the road against this lot.

RESULT: Kalba 1-3

Image result for Dibba Al fujairah stadium

So long from Dibba Al Fujairah Stadium!

It doesn’t meet the Pro-League’s reqs though, so they play in nearby Fujairah City.

Extra Credit: matches from the women’s EAFF E-1 tournament (East Asia), #3 Dynamo Kiev vs #11 Chornomorets Odessa – Ukrainian Premier, #8 Astra Giurgiu vs. #9 Botosani – Romania Liga I, #12 Opava vs #1 Slavia Prague – Czech First Division, #10 Enosis Paralimni vs #4 AEK Larnaca – Cyprus First Division.

’10 to Track’ Sunday (12/2) soccer match previews – Liga MX, Premier League derbies lead the way

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

Noob starts local and with Western Europe, but never ignores the world at large. I hope that means there’s something here for any fan, not just Noobites.

Follow on the tweeterbox @SoccerNoobUSA. Check back for match results. And remember to never travel in a straight line. Noob keeps things weird.

Note: Noob’s sources for some CONCACAF things are…inconsistent. The Ascenso MX (Mexican second division) Apertura Finals second leg may be today. Really good league, probably one of the best five in CONCACAF. Use your Google machine powers to find out more.

Also, there may be a Nicaraguan semifinal today. Same CONCACAF weirdness issue on the interblag.

1. Pumas UNAM vs. Tigres UANL– Liga MX

Opening round of the playoffs, leg two! The top eight from the Apertura (first half-season) qualified. Pumas are the third seed, Tigres sixth. The first leg was at UANL and they won 2-1.

All the momentum is with Tigres. They’ve won four straight. Pumas have only managed one win in their last four tries. Winner will get either CF America or underdog Toluca. (1:00 PM Eastern, Univision Deportes)

RESULT: Pumas 3-1 And so they take the series 4-3 and advance

B. Arsenal vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier League

This is the North London derby. Remember to pronounce that “ar” instead of “er”. You wouldn’t won to sound literate! For the rawest of Noobites, a derby means they’re bigtime rivals.

Being one of Europe’s best leagues, four clubs will qualify from it for the next UEFA Champions League. Noob-dreaded Hotspur are #3, Arsenal #5 with the season just over 1/3 over.

Arsenal lost their first two league matches of the season but quickly righted their ship and haven’t lost since. This, despite the fact that they don’t play quite the same caliber of defense that the other title-contenders do.

Hotspur have won six straight across all competitions. They have proven capable of winning both high and low-scoring affairs, may well be the top threat to #1 Manchester City. They are also named for historic traitor to multiple kings Harry Percy, are worthy of our scorn. Not that this is likely to affect a match result. Noob just can’t help but throw it in there. (9:05 AM, Telemundo)

RESULT: Arsenal 4-2 for great justice

Image result for fat controller pissed off

Sir Topham Hatt is displeased by the Harry Percy fawners.

3. RB Leipzig vs. Borussia Monchengladbach – Bundesliga

Germany’s top league has had a topsy turvy table compared to normal this season. Things are starting to look closer to normal, but M’Gladbach is a club they’re not used to seeing so high up. The enter today #B in the table, and it’s no fluke. Good offense, sterling defense. And they’ve won four in a row over all competitions.

Leipzig either play whatever is better than sterling for defense or parks the bus and doesn’t worry much about scoring. Either way, it worked for them early in the season. They’ve lost three of their last four now though and they sit in 5^th place. Top four get into the 209-20 Champions League. (9:30 AM, FS1)

RESULT: Leipzig 2-0

4. Alaves vs. Sevilla – La Liga

Spain’s is another top flite that’s table has been filled with less-familiar names at the top. Last year, these were the 7^th and 14th-placed teams, respectively. Currently they sit #4 and #1. Top four here, too, qualify for the next CL.

Alaves have lost two of three. They’re not consistently dominating teams much further down the table. They appear to have the defense to perhaps flirt with a top-four finish, but Noob’s not banking on it.

Sevilla are really well-balanced. If it weren’t for hard-charging Barcelona, Noob might think they could truly contend for the title. Plus, Real Madrid appear to be waking from their early season slumber. They’re 5^th and will climb higher. For the moment, we get enjoy a breath of fresh air, some new scenery at the top of the table. (2:45 PM, beIN Sports en Español)

RESULT: 1-1

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Eventually we’ll need these again.

5. Celtic vs. Aberdeen – Scottish League Cup

FA Cup – every club that’s a member or associate members of the Scottish Football Association. Challenge Cup – teams from levels 2-4 of the Scottish football pyramid, plus some lower clubs and a few non-Scottish invites.

And then there’s this one! It’s been being contested by the teams from the top four leagues. This is their one-off Final match. It’s in Glasgow, but not at Celtic’s actual home stadium. Not like they need a home-pitch advantage probably, either. They’ve been leading the Premier League there, while Aberdeen are down in 7^th.

Celtic have only allowed six league goals all season, 15 matches. That’s insane. But while Celtic should be favored no matter what, Noob doesn’t have a sense of how big a deal this particular Cup is there. Some tournaments, some places, clubs use these as chances to give playing time to bench players.

RESULT: Celtic 1-0 trophy time!

6. Manchester City vs. Arsenal – England Women’s Soccer League

It’s a battle of the two undefeated teams in the ladies’ top league in England! No one’s even gotten a draw with Arsenal, either. No wonder, they average over four goals per match.

Three teams have gotten draws with Man City. They score over twice as often as any other team in the league – yet only ¾ as much as Arsenal.

RESULT: Man City 2-0

Wish I could find the match on TV.

Ready to party with leftover White Castle.

7. Heredinao vs. Alajuense – Costa Rica Premier

The Final! Noob loves some Costa Rican soccer. This league is every bit as strong as MLS. This is for the Apertura (first half-season) title. And this is the first leg, so they’ll play another match at Alajuense in a few days to complete things.

Alajuense tied for 1st in the regular season table, but lost out on goal differential. They had a quirky 22 matches in that not a single one ended in a draw. No other club had fewer than three.

Herediano tied for 3^rd, but entered these Playoffs as the #4 seed, also losing out on GD. They’re a more traditional power there, but weren’t as strong on either side of the ball as their guests today.

RESULT: Herediano 2-1

8. Deportiva Lara vs. Zamora – Venezuela Premier

Like most or perhaps all Latin American leagues, Venezuela divides their soccer year into separate Apertura and Clausura half-seasons. And for each half, they have a playoffs, crown a champions. But unlike many of those others, here the two tournaments champions face off at year’s end to decide an overall champion. Noob like-y.

Lara won the Clausura playoffs, despite finishing just 4^th in the regular season. Zamora finished #B and then won the Apertura playoffs, but weren’t nearly so strong during the Clausura. There, they finished just 7^th.

This is a two-legged, home-and-away series for the title. Zamora gets the honor of hosting the second leg, presumably by having the better overall record on the year. Both teams have already qualified for the next Copa Libertadores, so this is strictly for the shiny trophy.

RESULT: 1-1

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The runner-up trophy.

Maybe…

9. Emelec vs. LDU Quito – Ecuador Serie A

Ecuador call their two half-seasons simply Opening and Closing Stages. Concept is the same as Apertura and Clausura though. Or maybe they use those words there and Noob’s sources are just goofy about not translating for Ecuador for some reason. The world is weird.

In any case, there are just two matches to go in the Closing Stage. Opening Stage champions LDU de Quito trail Emelec by two points in the table. As many as four other teams appear mathematically alive for 1^st, but one of these two is going to win it.

Emelec haven’t lost in six straight matches. De Quito have also been on a tear. Well, save for a weird loss for soon-to-be-Relegated Tecnico Universitario.

This one’s a big enough match that GOL TV is actually airing it internationally. You’d have to have a deep, deep satellite package to get it here stateside, but it’s on at 12:00 PM.

RESULT: 0-0

10. Basel vs. Young Boys of Bern – Swiss Super League

We finish our Track back in Europe. Noob’s saved this one for last because while it’s an irresistible #B-#1 matchup, there’s no title race going on here.

YBB are ahead by a whopping 13 points in the table less than halfway through the season. That said, Switzerland are a highly-enough ranked league in Europe that they’ll qualify two club into the next Champions League.

Basel have been the more recent studs, but might really only be the fourth-best team this season. The defense is down this season, the offense not enough to make up for that lack.

RESULT: YBB 1-3

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So long from the Christmas Market in Basel, Switzerland!

Home of creepy, nightmare-inducing holiday mushroom figurines.

You’re welcome.

Extra Credit: Liverpool vs Everton – English Premier League, any of the Second Round English FA Cup matches, #3 Hearts vs #2 Rangers – Scottish Premiership, #4 Anderlecht vs #B Genk – Belgian First Division A

#2 Vidi vs #3 Budapest Honved – Hungarian NB 1, #3 Academy Pandev vs. #B Vardar Skpje – Macedonian Prva Liga, #3 Feyenoord vs. #1 PSV Eindhoven – Dutch Eredivisie, #4 Besiktas vs #3 Galatasaray – Turkish Super Lig

#5 Independiente vs. #6 Boca Juniors – Argentinian Primera, a Peruvian Primera semfinal, #B Al Nassr vs. #4 Al-Wehda – Saudi Premier, #4 Etoile du Sahel vs. #B Sfaxien – Tunisian Ligue 1

Quarterfinal matches from El Salvador and Guatemala, a semifinal from Honduras, #1 Village Superstars vs. #3 St. Paul’s United – St. Kitts and Nevis Premier, plus maybe a final from Panama. Info on Panama is the worst.

’10 to Track’ Saturday (12/1) soccer match previews – Liga MX, Premier League lead the way

Noob could choose to define the mantra here of “the ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game” any number of ways.

But in the quest to learn soccer, I’ve learned I want to embrace the game everywhere its found. Today’s Track proudly sports matches from all six continents and federations.

1. Santos vs. Monterrey – Liga MX

This is the second leg of the opening, Quarterfinal round of the Apertura (first half-season) Liguilla (postseason tournament). Tonight’s match completes the home-and-away series.

These are the #4 and #5 seeds. They finished in a three-way tie with another club during the regular season and statistically look very much alike. Monterrey won the first leg at their place, 1-0. Best aggregate score will advance in the bracket.

All the momentum is on the side of Monterrey right now. They haven’t lost in four matches and have conceded only two goals over that stretch. Santos haven’t win in four matches, only score three times over those games.

The winner will almost certainly face #1 Cruz Azul in the Semifinals. They’re up 2-0 in their Quarterfinal and have yet to host their match. (10:00 PM Eastern, Univision)

RESULT: Monterrey 0-2 on to the Semis to face Cruz Azul

B. Manchester City vs. AFC Bournemouth – English Premier League

This may be the English match today involving the collectively two highest teams in the table, but it sure doesn’t look competitive. Man City are the world’s greatest club running at the moment.

Bournemouth are tied for 8^th. More, Noob’s Fighting Cherries have lost three straight, all by 2-1 scores. They had an extremely hot streak to start the year, but that magic has cooled. (10:00 AM, NBCSN)

RESULT: Man City 3-1

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Noob’s been faithful to the quest for Number B.

Number B stays loyal with me in support of the Fighting Cherries of Bournemouth.

3. Lille vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

Once you get past 14-0-0 PSG, there’s quite a race going on in France! Lyon are #B. Lille is one of three teams trailing them by just a point. Top three will make the next Champions league.

Noob doesn’t think Lyon have the defensive ability to maintain their table position, will be one of the odd teams out for a top three finish. Defense is Lille’s greater strength and so they should be expected to get a result here at home.

RESULT: 2-2

4. Flamengo vs. Atletico PR – Brazil Serie A

The last round of matches begins in Brazil now. #B versus #7 isn’t usually shiny enough to capture Noob’s fickle gaze, but this is one with specific meaning.

Flamengo can’t catch Palmeiras (and hail to the champs!), nor can they be passed by anyone. They’re headed to the next Copa Libertadores, qualifying straight through to the Group Stage.

Atletico Paranaense right now are the odd team out of the CL mix. Top six get in and they’re in 7^th. APR have lacked on defense compared to teams like Flamengo all year. But with the hosts having essentially nothing to play for, who knows – they may start all scrubs.

Noob’s guess is that APR gets a result today and is still stuck in 7^th, headed to Copa Sudamericana – South America’s version of Europa League.

RESULT: Atletico PR 1-2 But Atletico MG also one, so no Copa Libertadores for Paraense

Image result for Flamengo youth soccer

Meet Flamengo’s U10 squad.

They’re probably starting this match.

5. Nigeria vs. South Africa – Africa Women Cup of Nations

Let’s get someone a trophy – it’s the Final! This is the most prestigious tournament for national teams in Africa and is held every other year. This match is a one-off in Ghana, where the whole tournament has been being hosted.

Nigeria are the defending champs and #1 team in the CAF, and it’s not even terribly close. South Africa rate fourth-best (#38 and #50 worldwide). It’s worth noting, however, that South Africa beat Nigeria 0-1 in the Group Stage.

RESULT: Nigeria 0-0 / 4-3 pk Nigeria are chamPEEENS!

6. Olimpia vs. Real España – Honduras National League

This is the second leg of the Apertura playoff Semifinals. Regular season runners-up Olimpia earned a 2-2 draw on the road in the first match of this home-and-away series. Real are high-octane – all O, no D. At home, the better-balanced Olimpia-ns should take care of business.

RESULT: 0-0 so with the aggregate score tied at two, Olimpia advances on away-goals

Image result for high octane funny

If he does “The Pigeon”, Noob’s going on a killing spree.

7. San Pedro vs. Verdes – Belize Premier

Is this match, this league “important” in the football world? Probably not by most anyone’s standards. It’s one of the weaker leagues of Central America. But Noob is bound and determined that we will gain at least a passing familiarity with all other CONCACAF member leagues. Hallooo, neighbors!

More, this is a Semifinal! As the lesser, #3 seed, San Pedro host the first leg of the home-and-away series. They’re not out of their class when comparing defenses here.

But Verdes tied for first in the Opening Stage (like Apertura) regular season, only missing 1^st by lesser goal differential. And this league was never anything but a two-team race. Verdes are light years better on offense.

RESULT: it now appears this was slated for 11/30 but was postponed

8. Fiji vs. New Zealand – OFC Nations Cup

Oceania’s confederation host this tournament just once every four years. It serves as the qualifier for both World Cup and the Olympics.

And here’s your final! It’s a one-off match, being played in New Caledonia, as was the whole tournament. These are the only OFC teams to rank in the top 100 worldwide. New Zealand are the defending champs and 20th-rated team anywhere by FIFA. Fiji are ranked #89 and will have to try and be happy with second place. Because they’re about to get wrecked.

RESULT: New Zealand 0-8 Wrecked indeed

Image result for New Zealanders funny

Well that explains it then.

9. Consadole Sapporo vs. Sanfrecce Hiroshima – Japan J1 League

Just like Brazil’s top flite, this league is now in it’s last round of matches. The top three all qualify for the next AFC Champions League. Only champs (and congrats!) Kawasaki qualify directly to the Group Stage there. The next two will have to play in earlier rounds.

Hiroshima are #B, up just a point in the table on newly-minted AFC CL-titleholders Kashima and two above Sapporo. And what the fruit happened to Hiroshima? At one point they led the entire league by nine points. They’ve now lost seven straight matches. If they can manage a draw today, they’ll finish no worse than 3^rd place and still qualify for the next CL. Even if they lose, Kashima has to win to pass them and knock them out of the top three.

Sapporo have won three of four and been reported by the Japan Times to be seen licking their chops endlessly in anticipation of this match.

RESULT: 2-2 And so Kawasaki win the league, Hiroshima hold on to second, and Kashima finish 3rd. Sapporo – no AFC CL for yooooou.

10. Ballymena United vs. Linfield – Northern Ireland Premier

We finish our Track today with a shiny #B-#1 matchup. Does Noob care that it’s in one of the weakest leagues in all Europe? Not at all! (OK, maybe a little. They’ve fallen behind Gibraltar for goodness’ sake, which has the population of like Ames, Iowa.)

Anyway, the season is halfway complete in this semi-pro league. The race is shaping up to be a dramatic one. Linfield lead their hosts today by just a point in the table. Glenavon are just a point farther back, and defending champs Crusaders are just six back of their familiar spot.

The top four all average about two goals per game. But in this offensively-leaning league, it’s only Linfield that can defend as well. They’re the only club giving up less than a goal per game average.

RESULT: Ballymena 1-2 We have a new leader in the NIFL Premier!

Image result for Slemish Mountain Saint Patrick So long from Slemish Mountain, Ballymena – said to be first irish home of Saint Patrick.

This guy’s just a Sean Astin-wannabe though.

Extra Credit: Any of the many second round English FA Cup matches, #5 Sheffield United vs. #B Leeds United – English Championship, #5 Grenoble vs. #1 Metz – France’s Ligue 2

#B Legia Warsaw vs. #4 Korono Kielce – Poland Ekstraklasa, #3 Zilinia vs. #B DAC 1904 Dunajska Streda – Slovakia Super Liga, #3 Domzale vs. #1 Maribor – Slovenia Prva Liga, #3 Malaga vs. #4 Granada – Spain’s Segunda Liga, today’s AFF Cup and women’s EAFF-1 matches

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition (11/27-29) soccer match previews – MLS Semis end the MWE!

“The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game” – hit their peak of importance today. MLS Semifinals! After tonight, we’ll know who’s playing for the big trophy.

Tuesday and Wednesday’s match results follow below. Remember you can always check back for results on every single day, plus often a note or two about who starred, or how the results affected what was at stake.

Thursday

9. Sporting Kansas City vs. Portland Timbers – Major League Soccer

Second leg of the Western Conference Finals! While any team would of course like to get a road win every time, #1 KC got the draw in Portland in the first match of this two-game series. Now they have the chance to take care of business at home.

But that scoreless draw has to be troubling for them. Goalkeeper Tim Melia of USMNT fame played well and Graham Zusi was a monster on the back defensive line. But Noob highlighted Daniel Salloi for that first match and instead of starring, he was the weak link, losing duels and not being terribly good with passes.

The 5th-seed Portland was better on passing, held the ball longer, and created more shots on goal. That didn’t and won’t matter if they can’t get better play from striker Jeremy Ebobisse though.

Ultimately, it’s hard to beat home cookin’. KC did what was necessary, if just, and should be a moderate to heavy favorite at home. (9:30 PM Eastern, ESPN)

RESULT: Portland 2-3 Diego Valeri with two Timbers goals, including the game winner at 90′

10. New York Red Bulls vs. Atlanta United – Major League Soccer

Some are calling the Eastern Conference finals the de facto league finals. Both teams had several more point in the the table than K.C.

#B Atlanta laid the smack down at their place in the first leg of this overall Semi, 3-0. Franco Escobar was the slightly-surprisng star with both a goal and an assist. This club has the best offense in the entire league. It will be interesting to see if they keep dancing with the girl that brought them and continue attacking, or try to take the air out of the ball with such a big lead from the first leg.

NYRB have a HYOOJ hole to dig themselves out of. Lots of goals will certainly mean the involvement of BrandonWright-Phillips, who looked like an MVP the first half of the MLS season. Not that he tanked after that, but his effectiveness definitely diminished. But if the right side of Red Bulls’ back line get manhandled again (Tim Parker, Michael Murillo), BWP’s possible resurgence won’t matter. (7:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT: NYRB 1-0 But it’s not enough! ATL will host the single-match Final versus Portland.

Image result for the world of red bull funny So long from…wherever the Red Bull box cart races were held.

Yeeeah. Wow.

Extra Credit: Two Liga MX qf’s, a couple dozen group stage Europa league matches, Copa Sudamericana sf, El Salvador and Guatemala qf’s, second round Arab Club Championship

Wednesday

3. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Inter Milan – UEFA Champions League

You can scroll down to the Tuesday portion of the Midweek Track for a few extra details on the event, should you be a completely unseasoned Noobite.

Noob-reviled Hotspur is nearly out of Champions League, as is good, right and appropriate. When your club is named for an historic traitor (Harry Percy), good things cannot follow.

The scourge of England’s Premier League, Hotspur trail Inter by three points in the table and won the first match between them (tiebreaker). Since Hotspur’s remaining match other than this one is at #1 Barcelona, they’re in desperate need of a win today.

Hotspur are winners of five straight across all competitions. Inter are in just 5^th in Italy’s Serie A. Where Hotspur lack a little offensive punch compared to many other top teams, Inter have been sagging on defense. Bad matchup for the visitors, sadly. (3:00 PM Eastern, TNT)

RESULT: Hotspur 1-0

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Sir Topham Hatt — flexing the pimp hand. Gotta keep it strong for those Hotspur COYS.

4. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

This is the most competitive Group going here. Liverpool and Napoli are tied for first. PSG are just a point behind and Red Star Belgrade only a point behind them in turn.

PSG are running roughshod over Ligue 1 – no losses or draws. Yet many people Noob reads suggest the league is not very good this year. Liverpool have yet to lose in Champions League, putting them in second place there. Neither team allow goals.

Both teams are stronger than the ones in Track Match three here. If either doesn’t qualify for the Knockout Round, that’s big news. (3:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT: PSG 2-1

5. Porto vs. Schalke – UEFA Champions League

Three matches from one event? Thought you were filtering event like these, Noob.

Oh, but I am. But I won’t ignore important ones this late in the Group Stage just for the sake of it. Porto is Portugal’s #1 team. That doesn’t make them one of the very strongest clubs remaining, but they won’t be a pushover for anyone next round. They’re dominating the Primeira Liga and can score and defend amazingly.

Germany’s Schalke trail Porto by two in the Group C table. An upset win today would guarantee them a berth in the Knockout Round. And it would be a remarkable upset at that. In the Bundesliga, they’re playing so darn badly that they’re fighting just to stay out of the Relegation Zone.

They don’t defend half badly, but they didn’t wow on offense last year and don’t score much at all now. Still, they lead the Group 3rd-place team by four, seem likely to sneak out of the Group Stage no matter how today goes.

RESULT: Porto 3-1

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Is that the German Mr. Magoo?

6. Monterrey vs. Santos – Liga MX

Let the playoffs begin! This is the Liguilla. The eight best teams from the Apertura (first half-season) qualified. This is a bracketed tournament. Each pair of teams will play two-legged, home-and-away series.

It is seeded just like the NCAA basketball tourney would be, and this is your 4/5 matchup. Santos has been a shade better on both sides of the ball. More, they haven’t lost to Monterrey in their last three matches. But Monterrey haven’t lost in three matches, while Santos didn’t win in any of their last three. (10:06 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT: Monterrey 1-0

7. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

This is CONCACAF’s third-strongest league. They might argue they’re better than MLS. Mexicans might argue their second division league is better. Regardless, this is a sneaky-good football league.

And the Playoffs are already underway! The top four qualified for this postseason tournament. Apertura regular season champs Saprissa host this second match of the home-and-away Semifinal series. Herediano – the other perennial power here – finished 4^th, won the first leg 1-0 at their place.

Saprissa was better on both sides of the ball all Apertura, but particularly so on offense. That one-goal deficit should be one they can overcome today, move on to the Final.

RESULT: Saprissa 1-0 …which means the series was tied and they moved on to penalty kicks! Herediano advances to the final on those, 2-4

Image result for costa rica premier logo

One foot-sport, one heart.

But the logo’s more than a little puffy-nipply. No.

8. Portmore United vs. Tivoli Gardens – Jamaica Premier

This, too, is one of CONCACAF’s stronger domestic leagues – almost certainly the best of the island nations in our federation. Hallooo, neighbors! Noob’s making a concerted effort to get to know ya. May I borrow a cup of sugar?

The top six finishers here will make the Playoffs, with the top two getting byes into the Semifinals. They’re a dozen matches into the season, and rhese two are #1 and #3. This is a classic best offense versus best defense scenario. An upset win wouldn’t move Gardens into 1^st, but would tighten up an already good-looking race.

RESULT: Portmore 2-0

Extra Credit: the other UEFA Champions League matches, Costa Rican semifinal, Liga MX qf;

Also, Spain’s Copa del Rey round of 32 match, Copa Argentina sf, Copa Sudamericana sf, Czech Cup Round of 16, Guatemala National League sf

Also, #1 Shkendija vs. #3 Academy Pandev in Macedonai’s Prva Liga, Russian FA Cup qf, very early round CAF Champions League, #3 Brittania vs. #2 Nacional in Aruba’s Division di Honor, second round Arab Club Championship

Tuesday

1. Lyon vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

But make no mistake, I’m glad it’s back, baybeeeeee! A quick reminder for the newest Noobites what the it is:. League champions and other top teams of Europe in the crown jewel of all club tournaments. They’re currently in the Group Stage. Pods of four playing double round robins. Top two finishers from each will advance to the Knockout (single elimination, bracket-style) Stage. Everybody’s got two matches to go.

Man City is thought by many to be the #1 team in the world currently. They’re undefeated in Premier League play, lead Lyon by three point in the Group F table. But they’ve lost one match.

To Lyon. At Man City! The French team is a distant #B to undefeated Paris Saint-Germain in Ligue 1 there, but #B nonetheless. They haven’t lost to anyone, anywhere, besides PSG since August. Yet strangely, that win over Man City is their only win in Group F. All their other matches have ended in draws.

So what’s at stake? Noob’s laser-focused of late on stakes, letting you know why any given match is important. Man City are almost 100% to advance to the Knockout Round now, and any result (win or draw) will seal that deal.

A win for Lyon would do the same. Anything else, and the door is very much open for the other two Group F clubs, trailing by three and four points, respectively. So yes, remaining undefeated with a draw would leave the, in jeopardy yet. What a tournament.

Oh, and based on ELO ratings (thank you, footballdatabase.com), Noob thinks Man City will win easily, 1-2 goal margin, in France.

RESULT: 2-2 Maxwell Cornet with a goal and an assist for Lyon as they blew two leads.

B. AS Roma vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

Noob is often reluctant to feature multiple matches from the same league or tournament on a given day. I wish to act as filter for we newish fans, allow us to focus on the most important things, yet with a broad gaze. Eight matches today for UEFA CL. We can do two.

It’s an easy decision when the three-time defending champions are in the mix, too. Real and Roma are tied for the Group G lead. The next team down is five points behind. Look, these two are going through to the Knockout Stage no matter how the match ends today. But finishing 1^st or runner-up matters for seeding in the next Round, so this match is still monster.

Defending champs or not, this isn’t the same Real team of recent years. Losing the greatest active player in the world – Cristiano Ronaldo – will have that effect. They’re in just 5^th place in La Liga and just suffered a blistering 3-0 loss to Eibar. If you don’t know that name, that’s the point. And their newfound issues are on both sides of the ball.

Yet after a 3^rd place Italian Serie A finish last year, Roma have slipped as many places as Real – down to 7^th at present. They’d appeared to have the righted their ship to some degree of late, but than lost to Udinese last time out. Once again, if you don’t know that club, that’s the point.

Real’s crash back to earth this year has been the steeper fall. Still, Noob wouldn’t put Roma at any better than an even match for them at home.

RESULT: Real 0-2

New feature! EXTRA CREDIT will appear with some frequency now – these are events, matches Noob scouted for a given date but that didn’t make the cut for the Track.

Extra Credit: Early round-Coupe de France, Scotland’s FA Cup, very early round 2018-19 CAF Champions League, later round EFL Cup (tournament of tertiary importance in England), and Semifinals of Africa’s women’s Cup of Nations – all are in action.

ALSO! Congrats to Guadalajara, UANL, America and Pachuca of Liga MX Femenil. They all just qualified for the Semifinals of the Apertura (first half-season) there.

Noob’s trying to learn women’s and more CONCACAF soccer in general, but the site I use (for the moment) screws up dates something fierce. I’d scouted the Quarterfinals I thought were today, but they’re in the books already. Part of the learning for Noob is finding the best resources.

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday – Liga MX, Ligue 1, and soccer hinterlands of wonder

International Break is over. Football club fans can breathe again. Hey, UEFA Nations league turned out pretty hawt in its Group Stage though.

Now we’re back into the club scene. On Friday’s, the scheds always run fairly light. But that just gives is a chance to jet-set around the world together.

The Track starts close to home, as always. Pretty Eurocentric all the way around, though we’ll bounce to some less-visited leagues there before we meander even farther.

Turn ON electronic devices, smoke ’em if you got ’em and don’t wait – help yourself to the drink cart in back. Let’s take off!

1. Morelia vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

We ease out of International Break – when so many of the top domestic leagues everywhere have been off so that players can take part on their home National Teams’ matches – with a dandy in Mexico.

Every club is about to play their last match of the Apertura. (That’s the first half-season. Most of Latin America has two separate league tournaments each year.) The top half the league (eight clubs) will qualify for the Liguilla (postseason tournament).

Cruz Azul lead second-place CF America by three points in the table. That means if they can manage any kind of result (win or draw, worth three points and one, respectively), they will have wrapped up the #1 seed. True to form from all season, Cruz Azul has only allowed two goals in their last five matches, all wins and draws for them.

Morelia are currently #8, clinging to that last Liguilla berth. Obviously, this is a daunting last match, but at least they get to host it. With a win, they could actually climb as high as 5^th place. A loss or even a draw opens the door for the two teams which are two points behind them.

Morelia are as good on offense as their defensively-leaning guests today. But they allow about twice as many goals. Noob thinks they’re good for no better than a draw on their own pitch today. (8:00 PM Eastern, Univision Deportes)

RESULT: Cruz 0-2

B. Lyon vs. St. Etienne – France Ligue 1

This is the best European match of the day, though there are only three being held in the top leagues there. It comes from a league that’s catching a lot of criticism this year. The league has been slipping in the UEFA rankings, and now only its top three clubs will qualify for the next Champions League (the pinnacle of international club tournament competition).

Also, it’s considered a one-club league for quality this year. Paris Saint-Germain are 13-0-0. The other 19 clubs are being referred to as a “farmer’s league”.

** A what? Noob had this answered for us on the Bros Talking Soccer podcast recently as a listener question they fielded. It’s a demeaning term for amateur or semi-pro clubs or leagues in which the players all have day jobs. Think “beer league” or “rec league” as a rough American equivalent from softball or other sports, though those aren’t quite as disparaging. **

In what is otherwise a very tight table, these two are in 4^th and 5^th place. Lyon have been the more successful team recently, as their competing in the currently-running Champions League. In their last 10 league matches, they only lost one to someone other than PSG. Still, the defense has only been meh.

St. Etienne get a lot of low-scoring draws, don’t appear to have the firepower to compete for a top-three spot. But they’ve not lost in their last four matches, and so can’t be discounted, even in on the road. (3:00 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT: Lyon 1-0 Though those around them now have a game in hand over Lyon, the win today puts them in #B.

Number B sees no issue with idea of a farmers league.

3. Go Ahead Eagles vs. TOP Oss – Netherlands Eerste Divisie

This is from one of Europe’s better footballing countries, though not its top league. Eerste is the Dutch second division.

Coolly-named Go Ahead Eagles (who were originally “Be Quick”. Really.) are in 1^st. That’s the only table position guaranteed to get Promoted to Eredivisie (the Dutch Premier League). At least one other will move up, but there will be playoffs at season’s end to determine what club or clubs get to move up as well.

Top OSS are in 4^th. They don’t play “small ball”, but concede the fewest goals in the league at the expense of scoring a very pedestrian amount of goals themselves. They’re not the direct threat for the title that #B Sparta Rotterdam is.

RESULT: Oss 0-1 With the upset, Oss remain in 4th, but now only two points behind the three co-leaders.

4. Olimpija Ljubljana vs. Mura – Slovenia Prva Liga

Now we deep further down the UEFA domestic rankings to league #30. That’s a touch below average, but remember that Europe’s is the top confederation in the world. And hey – they’re playing. It’s Friday 😛

The majority of leagues qualify just one club to Champions League, which is the case here. Only two teams are at all competing for the title. Ljubljana and Maribor are the two perennial powerhouses and current leaders. Ljubljana trail them by four points in the table here at about the season’s halfway point.

The second-best European international tournament for clubs is the Europa League. Mura is in 3^rd right now, just high enough to snag one of those slots. Noob thinks Domzale is going to pass them soon, after the drubbing Mura will endure today.

RESULT: 2-2 Mura with the come-from-behind W! Goals for them at 89′ and 90′. Your a bright, shining star, Tomi Horvat!

Slovenia! Come for the footyball, stay for the…stern-looking comedy clubs?

That’s comedian Marjan Sarec.

5. Flamutari vs. Partizani Tirana – Albania Super League

So the top 30 is about as far down the rankings as Noob looks in Europe for matches with which to intrigue and delight. But now is when we begin our true Friday Globetrotting, Noobites!

Albania’s league is just a little further down the ladder from Slovenia’s (#34). Naturally, they also get just one team into Champions League. Tirana are #1, two points up on Skenderbeu Korce. These are the only two realistic title-chasers.

If you recognize the name Skenderbeu, congratulations! They’ve been on Noob before, noteworthy for having been banned 10 years from international competion for match-fixing. Flamutari are in 6^th.

RESULT: Falmutari 1-0 Upset City!

6. Balzan vs. Hamrun Spartans – Malta Premier

Couple o’ midtable teams from Malta. #47 league in Europe. Let’s just Fun Fact these bad boys.

Fun Fact: The village of Balzan is only a few thousand people. But it’s part of an area known as Three Villages and borders the city of Birkirkara (country’s second-largest).

Fun Fact: Hamrun are also nicknamed tas-sikkina, meaning “of the knife”, roughly. It might refer to many people from there being stevedores on the docks, or to Sicilians living there illegally in the 1500’s who were known to do dances that involved pulling the stiletto knives from their socks and waving them around.

RESULT: 2-2

7. Gibraltar United vs. Glacis United – Gibraltar Premier

League #51 of 55! When you’ve only got a population of maybe 35,000 people, hard to climb very high. Gibraltar United is in 3^rd. They’re fewer than ten matches into the season, but it already appears they won’t have the defense to keep up with the usual championship suspects – Europa FC and Lincoln Red Imps. Glacis are in 7^th.

RESULT: United 2-1

8. Ferizaj vs. Prishtina – Kosovo Premier

Kosovo’s league is #53. That’s so low, the country only gets two clubs into the Europa League instead of the more usual three.

But this may be mostly due to how new specifically-Kosovar football is. They’ve only had their own recognize football federation since the 2016-17, and didn’t start earning points for ranking until a year after that. With a population of about two million, they should be able to raise the league to a a higher profile in time.

Ferizaj are in second-to-last place, a position that would get them Relegated at season’s end. So yes, there is at least one more level if football there. Prishtina wouldn’t know. They’re in 1^st, having only given up four goals in fifteen matches.

RESULT: 0-0

Prishtina was the best club from what is now Kosovo back in the Yugoslav First League days.

9. Aiglon vs. New Star – Martinique Division d’Honneur

That southern European weather was dreamy for a couple matches there. Kosovo? Eh. So to the Carribbean we go!

Powerhouse league? Nah. But despite being a French Overseas Territory (and so non-FIFA member), in CONCACAF. Hallooooo, neighbors.

The top two finishers in this league will qualify for the Caribbean Football Union (subgroup of CONCACAF) Club Championship. That event, in turn, serves as a qualifier for the CONCACAF Champions League. It’s very early, but Aiglon are #B and the numbers indicate they’ll stay there and have only one threat for the title. New Star are 5th place.

RESULT: Aiglon 2-1

10. Al Hudod – Al Quwa Al Jawiya – Iraq Premier

We finish our Trekking Track in Asia! This isn’t quite a top-ten league there, but close, and high enough that they qualify the maximum two teams into the AFC Champions League.

Al Jawiya were runners-up last year, 6-0-0 so for this season. Early results indicate Al Shorta likely to be their top threat. It certainly won’t be Al Hudod, wallowing down in 13^th. Why so bad? See that there? Noob just scored on Hudod. There, it happened again. Bless you. Someone sneezed and scored on ’em. You get the idea.

RESULT: Hudod 1-0 A clean sheet? Well, well!

So long from Baghdad, home of Al Hudod!

Statue of Karahmana and the forty jars

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday (11/2) – USL playoffs, LigaMX, then we’re off to see the world

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

On Friday’s, schedules run a little lighter. Noob takes the opportunity to hit up the best local games, and then it’s off to soccer hinterlands less-known!

Come, jet-set with Noob. The bags of peanuts in-flight are HYOOJ.

Louisville FC vs. New York Red Bulls II – United Soccer League playoffs

Time for the Eastern Conference Final! Defending champions Louisville host the Red Bull reserve teams. They finished the regular season #2 and #5, respectively.

Louisville’s been clicking on both sides of both for weeks so, to the tune of nine straight wins. The defense has been quite good, the offense – phenomenal.

NRYB Jr. have won five straight. They’ve been comparable on defense, if not quite as dominant on offense.

It’s an interesting twist. Through most of the regular season, they were both scoring like gangbusters, but with NYRB doing so very much at the expense of defense. Now Red Bulls have switched their habits around.

No matter which style NY2 play, LFC are the clear fave. Winner gets either Orange County or Phoenix for the title. (7:30 PM EST, ESPN+)

RESULT: L’ville 5-1 Devon Williams with two goals in two minutes

Image result for letter B tiger

Looks like we know which club Number B is rooting for. Awwwww!

B. Morelia vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

Three matches to go in the Apertura (first half-season). And since each of the two half-seasons are only 17 matches long, it means things in the table are tight. Top eight make the Liguilla (postseason tournament).

Morelia’s in 7^th, but their numbers don’t make them look like a Playoff team. The offense is borderline, but the defense is bottom quartile-caliber. Still, they’re trending the right way. After not winning a match for more than a month straight, they’re now winners of three in a row. Those three were against bottom-half teams, but it’s still something.

Tigres are #8. Two teams trail them by just a point. They’ve not won in their last four, the defense having completely fallen apart (11 goals allowed).

9^th-place Pachuca is going to pass at least one of these two. So if one of these two loses today, Noob considers it an elimination match of sorts. (9:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

Paris Saint-Germain vs. Lille – France Ligue 1

Hard to believe PSG is looking like they might get eliminated from the current Champions League at the group stage. They’re not having any trouble in their domestic league. 11-0-0, eight points up on #B Lille in the table already.

Lille sport an above average offense and defense. No reason to think they’ll have any trouble finishing in the top three and qualify for the 2019-20 Champions League. They just won’t look like it today. PSG 3-1 today.

RESULT: PSG 2-1 Mbappe with a goal and an assist

Al Ahly vs. Esperance – CAF Champions League

The Final! Two matches, home and away, for the club title in Africa.

Al Ahly are the #1 team in all Africa. It doesn’t even seem to be particularly close. Noob’s Elo ratings-source footballdatabase.com indicated it. So does my newer one for Elo-ish numbers – soccerverse.com. (The former has been down for long enough recently that I’m worried it’s gone for good.)

They’re well down the table in their domestic league so far this year, but that’s mostly by virtue of having played far fewer matches than most teams there. The international play leads to a lot of postponements for them. Extrapolate their basic stats out and they’re easily performing like a top-four club.

They host what may well be the #2 club on the continent. This looks like an awful matchup for the Tunisians. They’re struggling on defense in their league, and Ahly is just relentless on offense. Ahly by two on their own pitch today.

RESULT: Ahly 3-1 Walid Soliman scored twice on penalties in a match that also featured a third penalty score

Image result for math is dumb

Mathing.

I know, right?

El Entag El Harby vs. Smouha – Egyptian Premier

You know, as long as we’re here!

Top two finishers qualify for the next Champions League. Right now, these two are #B and #3, respectively. ENEH have played a game or two more than the teams around them in the table. They’re not going to stay this high in all likelihood. They don’t score enough, plain and simple.

Smouha, however, look to have the firepower to at least flirt with a top-two finish. They will be hard-pressed to catch #1 El Zamalek (best O and D in the country) or hold of Al Ahly. But so far, Smouha looks very balanced and sound.

RESULT: 2-2 Smouha blows an 0-2 halftime lead

URA vs. Nyamityobora – Uganda Premier

Uganda’s top flite Is a league on the move. They just cracked the CAF rankings for the first time recently, appearing at #18. They’d have to move up a few more notches to qualify two teams to Champions League, but it’s a start.

It’s too early to perhaps say much, fewer than a half dozen matches into the season. but #5 URA appear to be a Small Ball team – pack it in on defense, don’t try to even score much themselves.

Noob believes The Nyamity-ville Horror-obora just got Promoted to top tier this year. Judging by their utter lack of defense, they’ll be headed right back down.

RESULT: 0-0

Image result for that was horrible gif What, the play on words there?

Quiet, Adam Scott! Don’t you have a “Krampus” sequel to go shoot?

1 de Agosto vs. Hulia – Angola Girabola

Congrats to Angola’s domestic top league! Big jump coming in the 2019-20 rankings – #17 all the way to #9.

1dA didn’t need the league to have an extra berth into Champions League last season like it will get soon. They only lost one match all last season. How? By only giving up eight goals in 28 matches. Stifling.

Hulia finished 6^th, as perfectly average as they could be, statistically.

RESULT: is now slated for Sun., 11/4

That African stint can be so draining. Let’s take a break for the third-ever installment of —

Noob’s Sandwich Reviewoobs!

Is a child dressed as a hot dog a sandwich? ? #NYCvPHI // Audi #MLSCupPlayoffs pic.twitter.com/Rrnwj4cIYs

— Major League Soccer (@MLS) November 1, 2018

@MLS on Twitter asked the important, obvious question. Essentially, is a hot dog, in fact, a sandwich?

Among most noble apes, a sandwich is defined as any meat or other filling between two SLICES of bread. Buns are NOT slices, or Noob’s name is John Montagu.

To be fair, one can find definitions and contexts where any pieces of bread – sliced or otherwise – are called “sandwich”. I’m not here to argue against that.

Because it’s already been establish in Amuricuhn court of LAW.

In 2006, A Worcester, MS judge ruled against Panera in a heated case regarding a non-compete clause in a mall food court. The judge allowed the mall could rent to Qdoba, that tacos and burritos were NOT sandwiches. His or Her Honor formally told Panera, “Sit on it, Potsy” in the ruling and summary.

What’s fun is that most of that is true.

So — is a hot dog a sandwich? No. Heretical. Illegal!

@MLS, thanks for the picture of the cute kid. But Noob rates your sandwich question at a mere two and a half out of five sandwiches on the Noob Sandwich Reviewoob sandwich rating scale.

Ballymena United vs. Glenavon – Northern Ireland Football League Premiership

Next, we jet-set to Europe. This is one of Europe’s very weakest domestic leagues. In fact, it’s only semi-professional. But hey — they’re playing!

They get just the one berth into Champions League. Glenavon are #1 now, but they only lead Linfield by a point. They lead the league in scoring, and trail just Linfield in defensive prowess (albeit by a lot).

#3 Ballymena are nicely balanced, but are ten points behind their league-leading hosts. At least they’re in a position to perhaps get one of the league’s two automatic invites to Europa League.

RESULT: Bally 2-1

Image result for flying first class funny

Mr. Bean always flies first class for NIFL Premiership.

Kukesi vs. Flamutari – Albania Superliga

Our second and final stop on our European league takes us to the #34 league in UEFA. Below average, but a damn sight higher than Northern Ireland. Wheeeeeeee!

These are the #3 and #5 clubs there currently. Kukesi are only four points in back of league leaders Skenderbau Korce, but that team’s been the power there for forever. Even recently getting a 10-year ban from FIFA over match-fixing hasn’t seemingly slowed that bunch much.

If recent history holds, Kukesi won’t catch the Banned Ones or #B Tirana. Flamutari are far less likely. When the defense gets down to league average, those clubs won’t be able to stop the perennial title contenders.

RESULT: Flamutari 1-2

Melbourne City vs. Sydney FC – Australia A-League

The league season is just getting (Down) underway in OZ. Yet already a big trophy has been awarded. League defending champs Sydney FC just lost in the FFA Cup final to Adelaide.

Melbourne City finished #3 last year, a nice push for a team that’s historically only average there. They were either lucky or tough or both, too, as they didn’t score a lot compared to their peers.

RESULT: Sydney 0-3 Paulo Retre with a goal an an assist

Image result for Melbourne australia funny

So long from Melbourne!

Apparently so violent, their club may soon get a Copa Libertadores invitation.

’10 to Track’ Sunday (10/14) soccer matches – CONCACAF galore, plus new Sandwich Review(oob) feature!

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of of the global game.

And now, the perfect pairing – Sandwich Review Feature.

There’s real soccer info in here. Somewhere. But s**t’s about to get weird, y’all.

U.S.A. vs. Jamaica – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

And then there were four. Time for the Knockout Stage. Three of the four will qualify for next year’s World Cup.

One will be #1 USA. No one’s even scored on them all tournament. Jamaica won’t. They’re ranked #64 in the world. (8:00 PM EST, FS1)

RESULT: U.S.A. 6-0 Tobin Heath and Alex Morgan with two goals apiece. Now officially headed to 2019 World Cup.

B. Panama vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

The other Semifinal! #66 vs. #5. The Final and consolation matches will be far higher drama. (5:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT: Canadia 0-7 Christine Sinclair and Adriana Leon with two goals each for the now officially World Cup-bound Canadiaians

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Number B, rocking it as “dramatic dark sunset” Number B today.

Sultry.

Poland vs. Italy – UEFA Nations League

This is a League A matchup. Portugal is the third team in this Group within that league and they’re waaaay ahead after two games. If either of today’s two want to have chance two in the group and make the playoffs, it’s vital they get a win today.

They’re ranked 18^th and 20^th in the world. In their last ten collective matches, they have one win. Therefore, Noob’s guess is they draw today. (2:45 PM, ESPN)

RESULT: Italy 0-1 While it wasn’t a draw like Noob predicted, Italia didn’t get their score until after 90′.

New York Red Bulls II vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds – United Soccer League

Last regular season match in the second division league. These teams have cumulatively won their last 12 matches. Talk about peaking at the right time!

#3 Pittsburgh can only drop down. Even a draw and their three-seed is secure. NYRB is in a three-way tie for 5^th. They can’t do better than #5, but could fall very far – even out of the top eight at the Playoffs entirely!

This will be a wide-open affair if Red Bulls control the pace. They score like gangbusters, play the third-worst defense in the entire division. Pittsburgh has always tried taking the air out of the ball. Noob thinks Red Bulls score early, force Pitt to actually push forward for a change. I think this is a home rout today.

RESULT: NYRB II 2-1 And so Red Bull B-side do get the #5 seed

Image result for red bull funny

“If I could walk on water/ if I could find some way to prove/

If I could walk on water would you believe in me/ ‘Cause I believe in yooooou.”

Saint Martin vs. Saint Kitts and Nevis – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

The hosts today are from the northern, French part of the island country. The Dutch half has its own team. They are both very weak. SKN are one of the top 20 teams in in the federation, though just 134^th in the world.

RESULT: SKN 0-10 not a typo

TIME OUT FOR A NEW FEATURE!

Noob Sammich Reviewbs. Reviewoobs? TBD

Not sure how often Noob will do this, but it starts NOW. It’s not enough to just talk soccer. Let’s talk about what soccer fans talk about. And eat. I’m talking SAMMICHES.

Corned Beef and Swiss Sandwiches on Whole Wheat Bread

Corned Beef and Swiss Shamrock Sandwich.

This is a Nature’s Own-bread sandwich recipe. Noob decided to find a corned beef sammich to compare to my all-time fave.

This is diced corned beef on whole wheat bread. Swiss cheese. A little Dijon mustard. A little more horseradish sauce. Plenty of reduced-fat cream cheese.

Noob’s all-time fave corned beef has the meat sliced. Tomatoes, pickles, black olives, a little mayo. Leaf lettuce is better. I had it with shredded and that’s okay.

This sandwich is an affront to everything Noob believes in. Diced meat of any kind, anywhere, is gross. Put it in with all those soft ingredients and I start to doubt the possible existence of an omni-benevolent god in the universe.

Look, the Swiss cheese is fine. Noob doesn’t need any on a cold sammich, but whatever. Horseradish? Like the music of Journey, I get what others like about it, but I don’t need to hear/eat it. Cream cheese on any bread that soft? Denied.

Put it all together and it’s…well, it’s diced meat in mouthful of mush. That bread doesn’t look hearty enough to offer any respite from the rest of the awful texture.

Noob’s decided for now that the rating system will be on a 1-5 star system. But instead of stars, the unit will be…Sammiches.

So! This sandwich gets One Sammich from Noob. It would get zero, but Noob has to leave room potentially finding an even lousier sandwich at some point.

Actually, let’s knock it down to just a half Sammich. This sandwich pisses off the Irish by being shamrock-shaped on top of everything else.

Please respond with your reviewoob thoughts on Twitter @SoccerNoobUSA. I’m also taking suggestions of sandwiches for future reviews.

Chelsea Ladies vs. Arsenal – England Women’s Soccer League

Chelsea went undefeated in this league last year. Still, they didn’t completely dominate on either side of the ball compared to their peers. Arsenal finished 3^rd, missing out on the Champions League by one point in the table. The season is just getting going.

RESULT: Arsenal 0-5 Changing of the guard? Vivianne Miedema and Jordan Noobs with two goals each

Marathon vs. Real Espana – Honduras National League

Marathon are tied for 1^st in the table, though they’ve played two more matches than Olimpia. Noob likes them to win the league though. Not the very best on either side of the ball, but incredibly balanced.

Real Espana are in a three-way tie for 3^rd. They score more than anyone, but the utter lack of defense will make them midtable. That trek starts today.

RESULT: 2-2

Palmeiras vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A

Going to be moving day today in Brazil potentially! The league leaders host #5, which are also the defending Copa Libertadores champions.

This may not be the most exciting game to watch, not if you’re looking for goals. But only four points separate them in the table. And only the top four teams qualify to start the next CL at the Group Stage level. So it’s still very high drama. (3:00 PM, GOL TV)

Palmeiras 2-0 Deyverson with two goals. Botch clubs stay in same spots in table

Image result for so exciting gif

Craig Robinson, at least, appreciates defensive footyball.

Internacional vs. Sao Paulo – Brazil Serie A

#3 hosting #4 as well today is what makes it so special for the league.

Sao Paulo led the league for quite a while, but have come back to earth, as expected. They’ve stayed afloat with a few draws, but haven’t won a match since early September. The offense has trickled away for them.

Inter are coming off a curious loss to meh-at-best Sport Recife. They’ve won just one of their last four, which have all been draws or decided by a goal either way. (3:00 PM, Premeire Futebol)

RESULT: Inter 3-1 Leandro Damiao with two goals. So much for “Moving Day”. These two also stayed in same table positions.

Kenya vs. Ethiopia – Africa Cup of Nations qualification

The top two finishers in each Group of four make the Cup next year. All four in this one have won a match, so the race is super tight. These two lead the others by a point in the table, but have already played one more match than them.

They are FIFA-ranked 107 and 149, respectively. but Ethiopia’s actually only scored one goal in their three matches. Noob thinks this is where the higher-ranked Kenya’s have their breakout match.

RESULT: Kenya 3-0

Image result for Nairobi weird So long from Nairobi!

If the animals look weird, it’s because they’re scrap metal sculptures.

The world is weird.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches – “It’s finished. It’s done! — Frodo Baggins

The ten most important matches to follow, for us – the newish American fans of the global game.

For the three Midweek days, Noob teases things out from one to three days. When you have this many Champions League matches from around the world, they needs be spaced out. Safety first, Noobites.

(Also, Tuesday and Wednesday matches and some resultd are now at bottom.)

Thursday

Trinidad and Tobago vs. Panama – CONCACAF women’s World Cup qualification

This tournament is the women’s CONCACAF Championship, but as it has for many moons, it is also the qualifying event for World Cup.

The Central American and Caribbean teams have finished their opening round of play. The top finishers from there now join the big North American teams in a Group Stage, hosted in the U.S. Two Groups of four, top two from each make the Knockout Stage. Out of that, the top three will go to 2019 World Cup.

These two teams join America and Mexico. No one from here is beating the US, so it’s about trying to get to #B in the table. If either of these two wants a shot at what should be Mexico’s slot, it must start with a win today. That will probably be T&T. They outscored their opponents 26-1 last stage.

Noob would guess they’re a heavy favorite against Panama, with an 11-5 GD and only finished #B in their pod last round.

Qarabag vs. Arsenal – Europa League

Group Stage, pods of four, top two move on to the Knockout Stage. That’s where we are in Europe’s secondary international club tournament.

There are two English teams in action today. Arsenal’s match gets the Track-nod since they’re playing a stronger team and having to go on the road. Not that today should be much of a for the Brits.

Qarabag’s been having to play qualifications matches to get to this Round, while Arsenal enter the competition only now. The Azerbaijanis should easily be considered a two-goal underdog on their own pitch.

RESULT: Arsenal 0-3

Managua vs. Real Esteli – Nicaragua Premier

At least when Noob scouted this match a few days ago, it was #1 vs. #B. I’m pressed for time over my real job to go to, so can’t even confirm that those table positions are still accurate. But Noob does recall that the league was starting to turn into a three-horse race, so neither should be any worse than 3^rd.

This isn’t one of even Central America’s stronger leagues. But we’re CONCACAFfeinating ourselves this year, getting to know our federation neighbors. Noob may add a little extra info here early evening.

Wednesday

Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Barcelona – UEFA Champions League

Scroll down to Tuesday’s mini-previews for some general tournament details.

Then scroll back up and witness Noob’s ire! Hotspur are named for the historical, traitorous villain Harry Percy. King and countrymen both, no one could trust him. Yet he gets a football club named for him. Maybe MLS will get Benedict Arnold FC as an expansion club someday. Noob won’t root for them, either!

Team Bile and Vitriol are only about an even match for reigning La Liga champs at home. They’re going to be in bad shape if they can’t get a result of some kind, as they lost 2-0 to Inter Milan in their Group Stage match. Barca walloped Dutch PSV Eindhoven 4-0 to open their Round.

Napoli hosting Liverpool is just as intriguing, but Noob’s gotta feed his raaaage. (3:00 PM EST, TNT)

RESULT: Barca 2-4

Image result for angry fat controller

Hotspur’s making us all Very. Cross.

Palmeiras vs. Colo Colo – Copa Libertadores

Quarterfinal match in South America’s version of Champions League. This is the second leg of their home-and-away.

Things are looking grim for the #16 seed, Chilean Colo Colo. They’re all the way down in 6^th in their league, losers of five straight matches over all competitions. They lost 0-2 to Brazilian behemoths Palmeiras. They’ve not lost in five straight, have taken over #1 in the continent’s best league.

The winner will get Brazilian Cruziero, or underdog (and up 2-0!) Argentinian Boca Juniors. (8:45 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT: Palmeiras 2-0

Kashima Antlers vs. Suwon Bluewings – AFC Champions League

So much CL, you’re going to have to inject it between your toes!

Asia’s version is into its Semifinal, and this is the first Kashima is your 2017 league runner-up from Japan, while Suwon finished 3^rd in South Korea. South Korea’s is the more highly-ranked league in the AFC, but Kashima would still be the favorite, even on a neutral pitch.

The winner will get either Persepolis out if Iran or Qatari club Al-Sadd.

RESULT: Kashima 3-2 Suwon led 0-2 early

Image result for high on heroin funny

Replace “heroin” with “soccer”.

You’re nodding. I’m nodding.

FCI Levadia vs. Nomme JK Kalju – Estonia Meistriliiga

#B against #1. Double I’s in the league name. Meistrliiga, you always bring the sweet relief.

Mr. Rogers once asked kids to do nothing for one minute, just watch the clock on the tv and see how long a minute was, what it felt like. This is like that for Noob. Let the high drama of hating Hotspur and all the Champions Leagues action come down a notch.

That’s a good stopping point for today. Quality, if smaller domestic league match. Noobites, see you tomorrow when we round out the Ten.

RESULT: 0-0

Manchester United vs. Valencia – UEFA Champions League

A reminder of where we are:

The “competition proper” is begun. We’re seeing the Group Stage now. Some teams qualified to enter only now, while others had to advance through tournament qualifying round/s.

There are eight groups of four clubs each. Each club will play a double round robin, home and away matches with each other on in their pod. Top two finishers move on to the bracketed Knockout Stage. Third place clubs will get dropped down into a late round of the Europa League. Last-place sad sacks have to rent halls and serve at table during fine catered dinners for the other three.

(All of that may not be true. But if Noob ran UEFA…)

All the matches are “important” in this event, and there are eight today. It’s the top club tournament in the world. We’ll lean towards our cousins from England in coverage. Hoffenheim from Germany and Manchester City are a dandy matchup today. But this is the more interesting one for a particular reason.

Group H looks like a wicked-hard one. Euros might even be calling it a “Group of Death”. That seems unnecessarily dark, but ok. They’ve played just one match each so far. Man Utd blasted a Swiss club while Spain’s Valencia went down against the defending Italian league champs.

Based on their Elo ratings (Noob hearts footballdatabase.com), Man Utd should easily be a goal favorite at home. But what makes this match intriguing is the drama going on with the Red Devils. One of their stars – the Frenchman Pogba – and their manager – Mourinho – are at terrible odds. The locker room is divided and the club is playing just .500 ball and sitting midtable in the Premier League.

Man Utd does. Not. Do. Midtable. They vie for titles. They spend the money. They finished #B in the EPL last season. Pogba’s going to get a new team or the manager is going to be out soon.

Noob doesn’t even know what they’re fighting about. My interest doesn’t run quite that deep. It’s more fun to imagine the team ordered some sammiches in for a meeting and someone got someone else’s sammich but wouldn’t give it up. Anyway, it’s perhaps THE story in English football, so our caring-needle is moved. (3:00 PM EST, TNT)

RESULT: 0-0

Image result for pogba vs mourinho funny “You go over there and eat the turkey on rye you ordered!

I’m staying here with my corned beef. You work for me!”

B. Monterrey vs. Zapatec – Copa MX

A reminder of where we are:

Mexico’s leagues have two half-seasons annually – Apertura and Clausura. We’re in the Apertura. Concurrent with league play, they also run a Cup tournament during each half-season. Only teams from the top two leagues compete.

The Group Stage is done. We’re now seeing the Round of 16 in the bracketed Knockout Stage. One-off matches, no home-and-away.

Part of the fun of Cups is watching for Minnows – underdogs, teams from leagues other than top-flite – to make deep runs. Ascenso MX (D2) Juarez has already advanced to the Quarterfinals. Tonight, we get to see if peers of their will join them.

Zacatepec are in 10^th in the Ascenso. That’s not even high enough to qualify for that league’s Ligilla (postseason)! Yet here they are, facing mighty Liga MX’s Monterrey. The only good news for Zaca is that Monterrey has been scuffling a tiny bit of late. They’re just 1-1-2 in their last four matches.

But they’ve allowed no goals in their last two. So it’s probably Monterrey by a couple on their own pitch today. (8:00 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT: Monterrey 4-2

Image result for Letter B fish

Number B makes friends with a Tanzanian blobfish.

Not into Minnows, eh?

Al Ahly vs. ES Setif – CAF Champions League

They’ve reached the Semifinals in Africa! Here, they play home-and-away series to see who advances. The #1 team on the continent hosts the first leg today. Any and everyone would and should favor them by a couple goals.

Why?

ES Setif are the defending Algerian champs. It’s a strong league there, ranked 4^th. But Egypt’s is #1. Setif had to enter the tournament earlier than Ahly, may be more tired. Setif only finished 2^nd in their Group to advance. Ahly won theirs.

But ES Setif just knocked out the defending CAF CL champs last round. Here we go.

RESULT: Al Ahly 2-0

’10 to Track’ Globetrotting Friday soccer matches – Liga MX, Bundesliga, then off to see the world!

With the weekend imminent, league schedules run a little lighter on Fridays. These are no Soccer Sabbaths though!

We find what league and Cup matches close to home are best, move on to Europe, South American, and then goodness knows where. Usually, that’s anywhere in the world, far and wide! Today, Noob keeps most of the focus on Europe. We’ll be checking out some hot D2 action.

Matches with clubs you won’t see everywhere online, plus Fun Facts about them, their leagues and locales. Takeoff time is now. The stewardess is closing the first-class curtain. Noobites are on the champagne side of it.

Atlas vs. Toluca – Liga MX

Two Mexican top-tier matches today, and three of the involved teams are from the very bottom of the table. Atlas are lowest of all, having yet to win a match this Apertura (first half-season). That’ll happen when you’ve only managed to score once in all ten matches.

Toluca are the one good team in action there today, sitting pretty in 3^rd place. That makes this match a “Hiccup Watch”. Even on the road, Toluca should cruise. But will they rest usual starters? Might they just prepare for this match as hard? Hiccup. (10:00 PM EST, Univision Deportes)

RESULT: Atlas 2-0 The nightmare is over!

B. Hertha Berlin vs. Bayern Munich – Bundesliga

Bayern just dropped their first points of the season to bottom-half Augsburg. For the rawest of Noobites, that means it’s the first match they didn’t win. They’ll win most of them. They had several stars not play, gave up the equalizing goal at 87’.

Hertha Berlin are the more interesting story. Part of it, anyway. Once you get past the top two in the table, there’s a host of teams just behind that were nowhere close last season. Top four will make Champions League, and a couple clubs not used to such rarefied airs may well make it!

As for today’s match, Noob thinks HB are good for a draw, especially if Bayern are resting players or dealing with injuries already. (2:30 PM, FS1)

RESULT: Hertha Berlin 2-0 A sloppy, overly-aggressive match from Bayern seems HB pull into a 1st-place tie with them

I don’t mean to nitpick, Number B.

But it’s not “rarefied air” if you’re in outer space.

Sheffield Wednesday vs. Leeds United – English Championship

England’s top league, noob as read, has been or is ranked as high as #13 in all Europe. Add in the massive amounts money teams get for getting Promoted from here to Premier and it’s interesting two ways.

Looking to make that jump are current #1 Leeds. They were deficient last year on defense in particular, but have made massive strikes, allowing fewer than a goal per game average. Sheffield are in 10^th, and so just average. Noob counts them as a goal-underdog at home.

Fun Fact: In the early 20th C., a player presented Sheffield Wednesday with a monkey to be used as a mascot. The idea did not catch on.

RESULT: 1-1

Dundalk vs. UCD – FAI Cup (Ireland)

It’s a battle of league #1’s in this one-off Semifinal! Dundalk lead the Premier while University College Dublin are tops in the First League. They’re different league for a reason, no matter how strong the U. has been playing. Dundalk by a pair.

Winners get the defending league and Cup champs Cork City, unless Bohemians defeat them. Unlikely, but it’s a road match for the current trophy-keepers.

RESULT: Dundalk 1-0

The town of Dundalk is closely tied to the mythological hero Cu Chulainn.

In story, he earned that name over his birthname after taking the place of a guardian dog he killed in self-defense.

Viktoria Plzen vs. Sparta Prague – Czech First League

The Republic’s top league was getting close to a high enough UEFA ranking that they could’ve soon seen two clubs get Champions League invites. Alas for them, they’re slipping from 13^th to 17^th in the rankings for 2019.

Still, this is a classic matchup for the country. Sparta are undefeated, yet just #B in the table. Viktoria Plzen are #3. The latter’s goal differential looks a bit peakish, leading Noob to wonder if this league will be a two-horse race. Already, Noob thinks they’re just an even match on their own pitch today.

Fun Fact: Plzen’s best European finish was in 2013-14 when the qualified for Champions League and finished 3rd in the Group Stage. After then getting dropped down to Europa League, they made the Round of 16.

RESULT: Plzen 1-0

Lens vs. Paris FC – France Ligue 2

Top two will be automatically Promoted to Ligue 1 at season’s end. Next three will duke it out in a Playoff for one more to join them. That’s where we find these two – #3 and #5.

Lens have made massive strides on defense since 2017-18 when they finished in the bottom half of the league. Paris look about like they did last year, statistically anyway. If that holds, they’ll be good, but not enough so to stay in the Promotion chase.

RESULT: 0-0

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Lens fans will raise their scarves and sing sang et or – “blood and gold” – after the club colors.

NEC Nijmegen vs. Go Ahead Eagles – Netherlands Eerste Divisie

The Netherland’s top league is poised to nearly crack the top ten in Europe. This is the Dutch second division.

NEC finished 3^rd in the regular season last year before losing in a Promotion Playoff. They’re defense is really suspect this season though. And #1 GHE may be the club that can expose them. Top-notch goal-scoring.

Fun Fact: NEC was founded by its towns workers, lowest socioeconomic class. This was very rare, as Dutch football was a very elitist sport at the turn of the 20th C.

RESULT: 1-1

BW Linz vs. FC Leifering – Austria 2. Liga

Teams here are vying to move up to the Austrian Bundesliga, rated the #11 league in UEFA. Only the top one gets to make that move though.

Linz is #1 and one of just two realistic-looking candidates. Leifering are #3, but haven’t yet shown the firepower probably necessary to vie for the league title.

RESULT: BWL 2-1

The “Linzer torte” was thought for a long time to be the oldest recipe cake in the world.

Sektzia Nes Tziona vs. Hapoel Katamon Jerusalem – Israel Liga Leumit

Israel’s Premier is on the decline, will be down several notches to #25 next year. But hey, that’s still above average! SNT are #3, HKJ #B.

All the clubs in the top 2/3 of the league appear to play about the same defensively. These two are among three that can score at a fair clip on top of that.

The top two finishers will get Promoted to Premier. Before that happens, the going will get tougher for clubs like these, as the league divided into Championship and Relegation subdivisions.

Fun Fact: The town of Ness Ziona was first known as “Wadi Channin”.

RESULT: HJK 1-3

Al-Wehdat vs. Al-Faisaly – Jordan Premier

At last, we head into Noob-uncharted waters! Jordan’s top league – which you might just see as “The Jordan League” elsewhere soemtimes– is ranked 16^th in Asia. That’s about the 1/3 mark. Just the winner will get into this federation’s Champions League.

Wehdat are the defending league champions. No one could keep up with them on offense last year. Or on defense. But the difference was greater with the former. Faisaly finished 3^rd. on the strength of their defense.

RESULT: 0-0

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Also known as Amman Refugee Camp, Al-Wehdat is a Palestinian refugee area.

10. Rosario Central vs. Gimnasia LP – Copa Argentina

3. Monterrey vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

4. Manchester United vs. Arsenal – English Premier League

5. Atletico Junior vs. Atletico PR – Copa Sudamericana

6. Zamora vs. Deportivo Lara – Venezuela Premier

7. Ulsan Hyundai vs. Daegu FC – (South) Korean FA Cup

8. Northeast United vs. Bengaluru – India Super League

9. Turbine Potsdam vs. VfL Wolfsburg – Frauen-Bundesliga

1. UANL vs. Guadalajara – Liga MX Femenil

B. Montpelier vs. Lille – Ligue 2

1. Guiseley vs. Fleetwood Town – English FA Cup

B. APOEL Nicosia vs. Apollon Limassol – Cyprus First Division

3. Bhayangkara vs. PSM Makassar – Indonesia Liga 1

4. Levante vs. Athletic Club – La Liga

5. Nurnberg vs. Bayer Leverkusen – Bundesliga

6. Bubali vs. Estrella – Aruba Division di Honor

7. Tigre vs. Godoy Cruz – Argentina Premier

8. Yeni Malatyaspor vs. Akhisarspor – Turkey Super Lig

9. AGF Aarhus vs. Velje Boldklub – Denmark Superliga

10. Dibba Al-Fujairah vs. Al Ittihad Kalba – U.A.E. Pro-League

1. Pumas UNAM vs. Tigres UANL– Liga MX

B. Arsenal vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – English Premier League

3. RB Leipzig vs. Borussia Monchengladbach – Bundesliga

4. Alaves vs. Sevilla – La Liga

5. Celtic vs. Aberdeen – Scottish League Cup

6. Manchester City vs. Arsenal – England Women’s Soccer League

7. Heredinao vs. Alajuense – Costa Rica Premier

8. Deportiva Lara vs. Zamora – Venezuela Premier

9. Emelec vs. LDU Quito – Ecuador Serie A

10. Basel vs. Young Boys of Bern – Swiss Super League

1. Santos vs. Monterrey – Liga MX

B. Manchester City vs. AFC Bournemouth – English Premier League

3. Lille vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

4. Flamengo vs. Atletico PR – Brazil Serie A

5. Nigeria vs. South Africa – Africa Women Cup of Nations

6. Olimpia vs. Real España – Honduras National League

7. San Pedro vs. Verdes – Belize Premier

8. Fiji vs. New Zealand – OFC Nations Cup

9. Consadole Sapporo vs. Sanfrecce Hiroshima – Japan J1 League

10. Ballymena United vs. Linfield – Northern Ireland Premier

9. Sporting Kansas City vs. Portland Timbers – Major League Soccer

10. New York Red Bulls vs. Atlanta United – Major League Soccer

3. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur vs. Inter Milan – UEFA Champions League

4. Paris Saint-Germain vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

5. Porto vs. Schalke – UEFA Champions League

6. Monterrey vs. Santos – Liga MX

7. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

8. Portmore United vs. Tivoli Gardens – Jamaica Premier

1. Lyon vs. Manchester City – UEFA Champions League

B. AS Roma vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

1. Morelia vs. Cruz Azul – Liga MX

B. Lyon vs. St. Etienne – France Ligue 1

3. Go Ahead Eagles vs. TOP Oss – Netherlands Eerste Divisie

4. Olimpija Ljubljana vs. Mura – Slovenia Prva Liga

5. Flamutari vs. Partizani Tirana – Albania Super League

6. Balzan vs. Hamrun Spartans – Malta Premier

7. Gibraltar United vs. Glacis United – Gibraltar Premier

8. Ferizaj vs. Prishtina – Kosovo Premier

9. Aiglon vs. New Star – Martinique Division d’Honneur

10. Al Hudod – Al Quwa Al Jawiya – Iraq Premier

Louisville FC vs. New York Red Bulls II – United Soccer League playoffs

B. Morelia vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

Paris Saint-Germain vs. Lille – France Ligue 1

Al Ahly vs. Esperance – CAF Champions League

El Entag El Harby vs. Smouha – Egyptian Premier

URA vs. Nyamityobora – Uganda Premier

1 de Agosto vs. Hulia – Angola Girabola

Noob’s Sandwich Reviewoobs!

Ballymena United vs. Glenavon – Northern Ireland Football League Premiership

Kukesi vs. Flamutari – Albania Superliga

Melbourne City vs. Sydney FC – Australia A-League

U.S.A. vs. Jamaica – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

B. Panama vs. Canadia – CONCACAF Women’s Championship / World Cup qualification

Poland vs. Italy – UEFA Nations League

New York Red Bulls II vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds – United Soccer League

Saint Martin vs. Saint Kitts and Nevis – CONCACAF Nations League qualification

Noob Sammich Reviewbs. Reviewoobs? TBD

Chelsea Ladies vs. Arsenal – England Women’s Soccer League

Marathon vs. Real Espana – Honduras National League

Palmeiras vs. Gremio – Brazil Serie A