Tag: USL

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday (6/22) – World Cup, Isle of Sodor Cup, and off to footyball hinterlands!

‘The ten most important soccer matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.’

On Fridays, that gets messed with.  We look at a couple matches that “matter” and then jetset off for wild and exotic football locales!  A little learning, a lot of fun, and you may just end up more edumuhcated than your soccer fan veteran friends.

Liftoff!

  1. Brazil vs. Costa Rica – FIFA World Cup

Welcome back to Group E!   All four teams have played a match now.  Serbia were the only to get a win, beating Noob-surrogates Costa Rica.  Brazil had a draw with the Swiss.

Costa Rica are the Noob choice for the Group Stage for the cheering.  They’re ranked almost right next to the U.S. worldwide, so seem a good surrogate for how ‘Muricuh might’ve fared.

There have been multiple arguments, with at least one broadcast live in their home country, between Costa Rica players since their first match in Russia.  Brazilian star Cutinho will likely be able to take advantage – or just win on having superior players.  They’re ranked #2 in the world for a reason.

There you have it, Noobites!   Just enough preview to get you through water cooler chat.  Now go, be free!  Noob will be reading more in-depth stuff on the interwebs in advance of the match.  Do likewise, should the Spirit move you.

RESULT:   Brazil   2-0    And with that, sadly Noob-fave Costa Rica is eliminated

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B.  Houston Dash vs. Portland Thorns – NWSL

*shakes fist at Houston*   Swamp City-builders!  You don’t build on marshland.  Noob and The Management stand against you.

OK, with that bit of oddity out of the way, second-to-last place Houston have taken advantage of three straight home matches to put some distance between themselves and Washington.  They’re even within striking distance of the top four and a postseason berth!  They beat Washington, surprised Seattle with a W, and then most impressively earned a draw against league champions-in-waiting North Carolina.

To compare, 5th-place Portland got dubbed 1-4 by NC.  In general, they are fading.  They need to find their offense again or will wind up the next Dash victim.

RESULT:   Portland   1-3

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Number B is here to scare some sense into you, Houstonians.

  1. Tampa Bay Rowdies vs. Penn FC – USL

For newer Noobites, let’s get real:   Often locale will trump “quality”.

TB and Penn are merely tied for 10thh in the Eastern Conference.   In Noob’s quest to himself learn and then in turn introduce you to soccer that could be most important to you, we’re going to get to know teams close to home.  Even when they’re potential also-rans in the second tier.

But hey — they’re only two points out of 8th and the league playoffs, so this is something of a key match!  If the match isn’t a draw, the mountain the loser has to climb gets really tough, even here at about the season halfway point.

The Rowdies are the better team, have the offense to perhaps make that move toward 8th.  At home, they should handle the team we knew last year as Harrisburg City.

RESULT:   Penn FC   0-2

  1. Arlesburgh vs. Brendam Harbor – Isle of Sodor Cup

Future Second Division Arlesburgh are the only team in Group D to net a win.  Any sort of result over one of the tourney-faves Brendam Harbor and they will be looking prime to advance to the knockout stage.

The Harbormen only managed a draw against D2 Lakeside in their first match.  They’ll be looking to break out the offense today and move toward the bracketed round.  They’re on the road for their second consecutive match, and so are slated to host their third and final one Arlesdale United.

Fun Fact:  Arlesburgh is perhaps the oldest settlement on Sodor.  As such, they have one of the largest supporter groups on Sodor – The Ancients.

RESULT:   Brendam Harbor  1-2

The fans dress like old people, stand entire matches.   The ones who look just middle-aged are, in fact, toddlers.

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  1. Spartaks vs. RFS – Latvia Higher League

UEFA’s 41st-ranked league is strange in one regard:  About a dozen matches into the season, 1st and 5th place are separated by eight points.  5th and 6th are separated by twelve.

Spartaks are in 4th, but have played one less game than the two teams immediately ahead of them.  They are also the last team to beat #1 RFS.   The visitor’s today sport the best offense in the league.

Fun Fact:  FK Spartaks is closely identified as much or more with their Swimming School.

RESULT:   RFS   0-2

  1. Soccernet vs. FCI Levadia – Estonia FA Cup

The point here is just to know that the event is happening, really.  Both teams are from Tallinn The home side is from the 6th tier of Latvian domestic footyball.  FCI Levadia is one of the top-flight league powerhouses.

RESULT:   FCI Levadia   0-12       Words fail sometimes…

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  1. Than Quang Ninh vs. Sanna Khanh Hoa – Vietnam V.League 1

They’re all chasing Ha Noi in Vietnam for the only AFC Champions League slot the league receives.  They won’t be caught.  We’re still going!

#B hosts #4 in a very crowded part of the table.  Today’s visitors from Nha Trang have overachieved a little being even this high up.  Their negative goal differential gives them away.  TQN aren’t posers, might be the only team that could get a sniff at catching Ha Noi.

Fun Fact:   TQN have only two players who are not Vietnamese.  Both are Brazilian.

RESULT:   SKH   1-2

  1. EB / Streymur vs. KI – Faroe Islands Premier

Welcome to the track, Faroe Islands!   You’re an independent country that is somehow also part of the Kingdom of Denmark.  And we love you.  Despite or maybe even because you’re the 51st-ranked UEFA club of 55.

Unsurprisngly, Faroe Islands only get one team into the Champions League.  it’s a two-horse race, and KI are behind the league leaders by five in the table.  Matches against midtable teams like EB / Streymur are exactly the kind they can’t drop.  They likely won’t even, on the road.  KI is much better on both sides of the ball, can control this game no matter what sort of pace their hosts try for.

UnFun Fact:   In 2014, perhaps EB’s greatest player was killed when a bunch of boxes of frozen fish fell on him when he was on a trawler.

RESULT:   KI   0-2

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Too sad and weird for Noob to have made this one up.

  1. Voorwaarts vs. Inter Moengotapoe – Suriname Topklasse

Inter is sort of the best of the rest in Suriname.  The title chase is down to three teams nearly two dozen games into their season.  I.M. are 4th.  Voorwaarts are 9th.

Despite the country being not far off the Brazilian coast, this is a Caribbean-cultured nation.  And they are in CONCACF, not CONMEBOL.  Noob welcomes you to the track!

Fun Fact:   S.V. Voorwaarts was founded in 1919 by schoolkids from the Hendrickschool.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Fosa Juniors vs. Meava – Madagascar Champions League

It’s an avalanche of newcomers to the Track today!    Good luck on your season that’s just starting.

This league is divided into four Groups.  These two finished in the middle of their zones last season.  That’s all Noob’s got for you on this one.  But they’re on our radar now, and we’ll be back to learn more some Friday soon.

Fun Fact:  Fosa Juniors are from the region of Boeny in the northeast, pop. around 800,000.

RESULT:   Fosa Juniors   3-0

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So long from scenic Arlesburgh, Isle of Sodor!

Be jealous of Noob’s eleveted B&B.

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches (6/19-21) – World Cup, Isle of Sodor Cup lead the way

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.  Noob’s mantra.  It’s mostly Cup action for the midweek, FIFA World and Isle of Sodor.

Noob’s on a whirlwind tour of Sodor, hustling from one village or town to the next each day for matches as I continue my seemingly exclusive online coverage.  To this end, I’m posting just the two feature matches for Tuesday from here in Glennock, even though the train ride to Crovan’s Gate for tomorrow’s key game isn’t long, even by Sodor standards.

Tuesday

  1. Colombia vs. Japan – FIFA World Cup

Welcome to Group G.  All four teams here play their first match today.  Favorite Poland face off against Senegal.  #16 FIFA-ranked Colombia is likely to be the other one to advance.  Japan are just #61 in the world.

Colombia seem an interesting case.  In the last friendlies before a major event, teams begin letting their likely starters play together.  No more auditions, so to speak.  They actually beat France not long ago, but then only managed scoreless draws against Tunisia and Australia leading up to WC.

Lowly Japan actually managed a win against a decent non-Cup-Bound Paraguay side in their last match.  They haven’t tested themselves against the caliber of competition they’ll face here in Russia, and they didn’t perform well even against those teams by and large.

And there’s your water cooler chat-level mini-preview!   Now go, be free!  Dig deeper on the interwebs for more in-depth pre-game analysis.  Noob will.  But this is what we do here.   (8:00 AM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   Japan   1-2     But anything is possible when one team is down a man after just three minutes!   Colombia lost a man to a red card for a handball in the box.  Japan scored the ensuing penalty, gave up the lead, then reclaimed it in the second half.  

Senegal also upset Poland 1-2 today in this Group, so it’s going to be a wild one!

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B.  Crovan’s Gate vs. Brendam United – Isle of Sodor Premier

Welcome back to Group A.  One of the event’s favorites – Brendam Utd. lost by a bad 0-3 margin, even if it was to fellow future IoS Premier Leaguers Tidmouth Works.  We’ll see if that was a wake-up call and they put a hurting on Crovan’s Gate.

CG only lost their first Cup match by two, but it was to Toryreck – a qualifier that will be in the bottom division when leagues’ officially form and kick off in a few months.  And CG gave up five goals.  They’ll be playing in the middle of three domestic divisions.

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Here Noob comes!

 

 

Wednesday

  1. Iran vs. Spain – FIFA World Cup

Portugal and Spain played a match for the ages a few days ago, ending in a 3-3 draw.  Spain will be looking for three points here against the second-highest ranked Asian team (but FIFA-ranked just #37).  Iran got a surprising 1-0 win over Morocco.  Even a draw somehow today keeps them very much alive to advance.

This is an interesting matchup for a couple reasons style- and player-wise.   Diego Costa scored two goals for Spain against Portugal, but may not have room to operate against Iran – a tight defensively-oriented side.  A more creative player like Isco may be one to watch setting up unique opportunities in the front third.

Spain showed some defensive problems in that first match.  Some will argue that might help Iran.  But Iran is going to have trouble possessing the ball at all to try and score as Spain presses.

And there you have it, Noobites!  Water cooler chat-level mini-preview success.  Now go, be free!  Noob is out there reading more in-depth preview analysis and invites you to do likewise.   (2:00 PM, Fox)

RESULT:   Spain   0-1      Isco was your Man of the Match with his ball control, passing

  1. LAFC vs. Sacramento Republic – U.S. Open Cup

The second four matches of the Round of 16 in America’s FA Cup are all today.  This is the one that features the only non-MLS side remaining.

Sacramento Republic are out of the second division-USL.  They finished 8th in the Western Conference last year, just making the playoffs.  This season, they’re in a surprising third place– despite some offensive trouble.

MLS-expansion LAFC is all the way up in 3rd as well in their West.    They struggle on defense, but score like it’s going out of style.  It’s unfortunate for Sacramento the draw for home pitch didn’t go their way.  This may not be competitive.  But everyone loves a Minnow (non-top division underdog), so Noob’ll be pulling for ‘em!

RESULT:   LAFC   3-2     High drama!   Equalizer at 68′, then the go-ahead by aptly-named Latif Blessing at 89′.

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Boooooo.  BOOOOO!

  1. Vicarstown vs. Peel Godred – Isle of Sodor Cup

Hello from Barrow, England!  Look, Noob enjoys Vicarstown the town, but somehow being in Barrow just makes me feel more… real, somehow.  Grounded?  Maybe.  But I’ll be crossing the bridge from Cumbria to The Isle for this super duper Group H matchup!

Group favorite Peel scored a narrow victory over future-second division club Callan FC 2-1.  Now they hit the road to face Vicarstown, a team that is expected to finish at the bottom of the coming Premier League.  They were upset 1-2 at Elsbridge in their first match.

Given that the nature of football play on Sodor has been so loosely organized, it’s hard to handicap games here.  Things will be clearer after a couple years of formal league play, which starts in a few months.  They don’t formally gamble on Sodor, but Noob did throw down a few quid on V-town just because it’s home for them.  Another advantage to sleeping on the English side of Walney Channel.

RESULT:   Vicarstown   5-1          And just like an Iranian fan’s wallet did the fire-trick which he used to try and light a cigarette at his teams World Cup match against Argentina today, a women’s whole purse went up when in a similar incident outside the venue.  High drama!

  1. O’Higgins vs. Colchagua – Copa Chile

Now here’s a Minnow-match!

This is the Second Round of Chile’s FA Cup, the stage at which the 16 Premier teams enter the competition.  O’Higgins is a midtable club from that league.

Colchagua plays in the Segunda Division – the third tier of football in Chile – where they are #B in the table.  These two are from the same geographic area and are very much rivals.   The first match of this two-legged tie ended in a 1-1 draw.  Expecting Colchagua to manage as much and more on the road today is a lot.  But here’s to hoping!

RESULT:   Colchagua   0-0  /  5-6 pk      Somehow Noob had some wrong info on this one.  The first match had ended in a scoreless draw.  Still — Minnow success!

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Uh oh.

Don’t let the luck run out of that horseshoe, boys.

  1. KuPS vs. HJK – Finland Veikkausliga

The Finnish top flight is the lowest-ranked of the Nordic domestic leagues.  But hey– they’re playing!

When Noob first scouted and selected this match, it was a mighty #B/#1 matchup.  Since then, RoPS have overtaken KuPS for Bth place (boy do the Finns love their alphabet soup).  No matter.  Everyone is chasing defending champs HJK again this season.

KuPS lead the league in offense, but barely over HJK – which has the far superior defense.   If the pace is hot, KuPS can win a shootout today in front of the home fans.

RESULT:   2-2

Thursday

  1. Argentina vs. Croatia – FIFA World Cup

One of the bigger stories early on has been that Iceland managed a draw against Argentina in their first match.  The good news for Argentina:  They dominated Iceland statistically.  The bad news:  This continues a trend of not performing well in recent months against WC-level competition.  Friendlies are only that, but patterns are hard to ignore.  The #5-ranked team in the world should be doing better.

Croatia took care of business against Nigeria with a 2-0 win in their first game.  Any result here puts them in excellent position to advance.  Look for them to try and keep the game slow-paced.

Key players:  If you’re following football at all, you know Messi.  Even Noob and Noobites.  Veteran Luka Modric (who plays for Real Madrid) is the name to watch for with Croatia.  He plays midfield.

Additional note:  Croatia sent a team member home after he refused to come on as a sub in their first match.  Not the biggest controversy, but any distraction can obviously get magnified at World Cup.

RESULT:   Croatia   0-3    Argentina may be about to be out of contention to advance!   Modric salted this one away with a screamer from above the box to make it 0-2.  

The first goal happened when back-up goalkeeper Cabellero failed to clear a back pass, instead lofting a little pass, basically, to an opposing player who howled it in.

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Noob hopes this is exactly how that played out.

  1. Colo-Colo vs. Atletico Ñublense – Copa Chile

Not to make it about Noob, but if you don’t think I’m not rooting for Ñublense forever and ever just because of their club name pronunciation, you’re cray-cray.

More, they stunned the famed powerhouse Primera club 2-0 in the first match of this two-legged tie!    The Longaniza Mecánica are currently in 4th place in the second-tier Primera B.  The other teams right around them look stronger there (they struggle a bit on offense), making their progress in the Copa all the more awesome.

Colo-Colo have also had problems scoring goals in league this season.  The defending champions are in just 6th.  Still, they’re in different leagues for a reason.  Colo-Colo will win at home today.  The question is simply will they win by enough to advance to the bracketed stage next.

RESULT:    Colo Colo   2-1      And so it’s Noob-lense that advances, on aggregate 2-3!

  1. Norramby vs. Cabalnoo – Isle of Sodor Cup

Noob loves Norramby.  Reminds me of Bournemouth, which is a Noob-fave club.  Little resort town of sorts.  They’ll be playing in the inaugural second division of the three formally starting next year on Sodor.

Cablalnoo is a small village, pretty close to far larger Kirk Ronan.  They will play in the bottom division, played through qualifiers to get here.  They got a surprising 5-5 draw against their larger rivals in their first match!  Norramby played Dryaw to a scoreless draw.  They don’t play a lot of defense on Sodor, so this is the anti-double rainbow of footyball happenings here.

So, Group B is wide open.  Can little ‘Noo surprise with another result today?

RESULT:   Cabalnoo   5-10    A Sudric suprise for the soccer ages!   Norramby really need the two middle teams in Group B to have a draw in their upcoming match.

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So long from the IsleSound Cafe, Norramby!  

 

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – World Cup, US Open, Isle of Sodor, and suckitude!

Since the FIFA World Cup is likely bringing fresh Noobite eyes to this humble site, allow Nob to explain:

On Mondays, world soccer schedules tend to be lighter than other times.  Stands to reason, given the weekend is heavy.  So the usual ‘ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – takes this turn:

A few top matches get featured, but we mostly embrace the suckitude, preview matches in which at least one club is in position to be Relegated to a lower league st season’s end.  Come, get to know some sad sack-squads before they fade away!

  1. Tunisia vs. England – FIFA World Cup

Welcome to Group G.  These two have been drawn with Belgium (the favorites) and Panama (very not favored).  This is the first match for these teams.  Reminder:  Round-robin in each Group, top two finishers advance.

The most likely drama in G is between these two for finishing behind Belgium and advancing to the Knockout Stage.  Tunisia is the top-ranked team out of Africa (FIFA #21).  England are tied for 12th with Denmark.

England have not won the World Cup since 1966, always seem to feel lots of pressure and then underperform in major tournaments.  This team isn’t as star-studded as some of the past, as they focus on a youth movement and defense.  What offense they do manage to produce will probably run through  Tottenham  Sir Toppem Hatt Hotspur star Harry Kane.  (Yes, Noob still loathes Hotspur — named for a historical traitor!)  Other star Marcus Rashford seems to be over his recent injury.

And there you have it, you’re water cooler chat-level mini-preview.  Be free!   Go search out more in-depth coverage should you desire, Noobites.  I’m doing so.   (2:00 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   England   1-2    Harry Kane with a brace (two goals)!

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You’re a poor man’s Ryan Gosling, Harry Kane.

 B.  Houston Dynamo vs. Minnesota United – U.S. Open Cup

The American FA Cup has reached its Round of 16.  Only one non-MLS team advanced this far, Sacramento Republic of the USL (and formerly NASL).

Here, we get two Western Conference clubs on the outside looking in right now for league postseason berths.  They’re in 7th and 9th place, respectively.  Dreaded Houston (down with cities built on swamps!) is much better than shown in the table so far though.  Mark Noob’s words:  They’ll not only make the playoffs, they’ll have home pitch advantage for at least one game.

Minnesota can’t score worth a lick.  They will be lambasted this Round of the Cup.

RESULT:   Houston   1-0

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Number B enjoys the Cup matches as a cup, of sorts.

  1. Glennock vs. Junction & Sheds – Isle of Sodor Cup

Noob’s exclusive coverage of the Isle of Sodor inaugural Cup returns!  Hello from the small village of Glennock, located well inland in the east-central portion of the country.  They are one of the four clubs to advance out of qualifiers that took place in the spring.  They will play in the third and bottom division of the Sodor football pyramid when everything launches this coming season.

The larger town of Knapford sends one of their two teams for battle today.  Talk Noob catches locally indicates J&S will probably be a lower midtable team in the coming Premier League.  They are the favorites to win Group F.

RESULT:   J&S   1-8     Kary Hanesworth scored for Glennock scored first, but after that it was all carnage

  1. Dinamo Minsk vs. Vitebsk – Belarus Premier

Belarus’ top league falls smack into the middle of UEFA’s associations rankings.  Usual powerhouse BATE Borisov have a wide lead built, given that they’re not halfway through their season.

The most likely club to possibly catch them appears to be #B Dinamo Minsk.  They’ve got the defense, but no one’s offense there measures up to BATE’s.  #4 Vitebsk isn’t many points further back, but they’re just not traditionally at the table’s top.

RESULT:   1-1

And now we embrace the suckitude with Relegation matches!

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Noob likes the crest, even if it does look like could be a brand logo on ice cream or something.

  1. Gomel vs. Smolevichy – Belarus Premier

Welcome back to the Track, Smolevichy!  They’re in an easier part of their schedule, as Noob recently featured them on a Monday playing another league bottom-feeder.

Talkin’ ‘bout you, Gomel.  Can’t score more than about a goal every three games on average, gonna get Relegated.  They’re in a three-way tie for the two Relegation spots now.  Still, this might be a gettable match for them.  Smolevichy plays small ball, so to speak, so this will be a low-scoring game.  First side to score – at all – wins.

Not-So-Fun Fact:  Gomel is close enough to Chernobyl that it was part of the radiation zone.  The population had been declining all the way until the early 2000’s.

RESULT:   Smoley   0-2

  1. Kyzylzhar Petropavlovsk vs. Shakhtar Karagandy – Kazakhstan Premier

My Scrabble dictionary just broke up with me for typing your club name.  Thanks, K.P.

The home side is tied for 10th, which would put them in a Playoff with a top second-division team trying to move up and usurp their place.  They also play so little defense, Noob’s not convinced they formally play a goalie.  Karagandy is in 8th.

Fun Fact:  Petropavl is named for the Christian apostles Peter and Paul

RESULT:   K.P.   1-0     Funner Fact:   It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

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Fine, Noob will just rebound with a Bartlett’s Book of Quotations.

  1. Independiente de Valle vs. Deportivo Cuenca – Ecuador Serie A

8th place hosts second-to-last in our one South American stop today.  IdV is only 8th, but Cuenca…. maybe they could pool their money with Karagandy above and split a goalie’s services.   (8:15 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   IdV   3-1

  1. Notre Dame vs. BDF – Barbados Premier

When Noob Tweets his regular announcement promoting the Track, if you don’t think I’m not hashtagging Notre Dame, you’re crazy.

The top tier league in Barbados just expanded this season from a ten-team, single group affair to a divided, two-“zone”, 12-team league.   Noobs Barbados source indicates that the bottom two teams in each Zone are below a line.  It seems doubtful they’re giving a third of the league The Boot, so more likely is that the four clubs will have a mini-tournament to determine which one or two move down

If Notre Dame can kick their offense up a notch, they may overtake one of the two teams just ahead of them.  That won’t happen today though.  BDF is the Zone 2 leader by a billion miles.  Noob would handicap this match by granting ND four goals.

RESULT:   BDF   0-6     Not a typo.   At four goals, Noob didn’t handicap Notre Dame enough.  Yikes.

Fun Fact:   Notre Dame play on the south side of the capital, Bridgetown – which used to be called The Town of St. Michael.  The area parish still carries that name.

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Right, what she said.  Signed.  Whatever.

  1. Zakho vs. Naft – Iraq Premier

This is to Mondays in a row, Zakho.  In last by six points, Noob suspects you’ll be here enough I have to charge you rent.  Worse luck, you play the #4 and best defensive team in the league today.  Good luck with that.

Fun Fact:   “Zakho” might well mean either “victory” or “river of blood”, either likely stemming from an ancient Roman-Persian battle there.

RESULT:   Naft   0-2

  1. Shukura vs. WIT Georgia – Georgia Erovnuli Liga 2

Hey, Noob’s featured the third tier TWICE.  This is a step up in, er, toward relevance.

This league is strange.  Other than second-place Norchi Dinamo, every team here looks about the same on offense, statistically.  Last-place Shukura, however, seemingly enjoys just watching balls flutter by into their goal.  Only one team gets Dropped from this league at season’s end, and Shukura look like it by a wide berth.  #1 WIT Georgia will get the road W, riding their supreme defense.

Fun Fact:   Shukura are based in Kobuleti, a seaside resort town that’s super-popular with Armenian tourists.

RESULT:   1-1

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Were Noob not in Sodor, I’d be saying so long from Hotel Chveni Ezo in Kobleti.

’10 to track’ Weekend Edition soccer matches (6/9-10) – so much ‘Muricuh!

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – have red, white and blue all over them this weekend.  Both US Nationals teams are in play, and there are a hot bunch of league matches stateside.   Ogle the previews with a hand over your Noobite heart.

  1. France vs. U.S.A. – friendly

The USMNT has scheduled themselves a nice little sequence for the late spring and early summer.  Bolivia was a team they should beat, Ireland then was a team with whom they were roughly on par, and now they get a severe test with #7 FIFA-ranked France.

Bolivia they beat, Ireland was a close but competitive loss.  And all this is colored by the fact that they’re playing many younger guys since they didn’t qualify for World Cup.  Meanwhile, France will likely be playing their WC starting lineup, tuning up for the start in Russia in a few days.   (3:00 PM Eastern, ESPN)

RESULT:   1-1     Not at all bad for basically an American U23 side

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Muricuh!!

 

B.  Northern Cyprus vs. Karpatalja – ConIFA World Cup

The Final!  Search keyword “ConIFA” on the front page of this site hit the last few posts that have mentioned this organization and event.  The first one will have more detail, though you can also visit ConIFA.org.

After a first Knockout round blowout of host organization Barawa (8-0), Padania gave them all they could handle before succumbing 2-3.  Late fill-in entrant Karpatalja have surprised and then some.  They beat Szekely Land 4-2 to earn their shot at the hardware.

This event as been so exciting for me to follow.  In my endeavor to learn more about the soccer world, this event has led me to learn a lot more about the world in general.  Noob and Noobite we may be, but we may end up more learned than veteran fans.

RESULT:   Karpatalja   0-0  /  3-2 pk     The Turkish nationals and emigrants almost certainly made it a home field advantage for Northern Cypress, but late fill-in entrant Karpatalja is your champion – congrats!

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Number B gives the finalists and all ConIFA his approval!

  1. NYCFC vs. Atlanta United – MLS

#B hosts #1 in the oh-so-tough Eastern Conference.

NYCFC is coming off a harrowing loss to New York Red Bulls in the U.S. Open Cup – a 4-0 drubbing.  Atlanta, too, has been a little up and down in recent matches.  But they took care of business against USL’s Richmond in the Cup and got a solid enough win over Philly at home before that.

Oddly, both have struggled at home, at least compared to what one might expect.  Could that actually mean advantage: Atlanta?  (12:30 PM, ESPN+, Fox Sports Southwest)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Columbus Crew vs. New York Red Bulls – MLS

As solid a season as they’re having, the big story with the Crew is still whether or not their owner is moving them to Austin.  The most recent word was surprisingly a nudge in favor of them staying on Ohio.  The owner wants a bunch of money spent by Austin and folks there aren’t looking ready to pony up.

The Crew are in 3rd, hosting #4 NYRB.  Columbus hasn’t lost since April but a lot of draws (including three straight) have kept them from the top of the table.   (5:00 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for funny Columbus Crew fans

 

Bandito kerchief-wearing, wrong-color Iron Man says the Crew should stay in Columbus.

  1. Portland Timbers vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

Now we head out West to see two scalding-hot sides, #’s 5 and 1 in the table.  Neither have lost in about two months.  Both find success riding their defenses, so this may not be the most exciting match for we laypeople to watch live, but it will be an important one nonetheless.   (3:30 PM, ESPN+, ROOT Sports Northwest)

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Denmark vs. Mexico – friendly

More World Cup calisthenics!  FIFA-ranked #12 hots #15.

it’s weird to read and hear from so many pundits and personalities in media that rooting for Mexico in the World Cup as an American is a bad thing.  Noob says anything that gets us watching – whether cheering for or against Mexico – is a very good thing.

Me?  Costa Rica.  Why?  Other than they’re in CONCACAF, not sure.  Maybe it’s because they’re right next to the US world ranking.   (2:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Denmark   2-0

Image result for costa rica funny

 

 

 

Thanks?

  1. Sacramento Republic vs. Phoenix Rising – USL

Tied for #B.  We need more Number B!

In the West, everyone is chasing Noob-dreaded “royal”/Real Monarchs SLC.  Phoenix looks like the far more likely candidate to make a push.  They have the top offense in the conference, and that’s really saying something when one considers Reno (record-breaking O last year).

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Atletico Nacional vs. Tolima – Colombia Premier

The Apertura (first half-season) Final, the second leg!

Atletico Nacional won the first match of this two-legged tie 0-1.  They won the Apertura regular season, had the best defense in the league, and were a mite better on offense than Tolima.  There’s not a lot of reason to think Tolima can make up a deficit on the road here.

RESULT:   Tolima   1-2      An Atletico player got a red card at the end of the game, and then Tolima scored the winning goal!   That made the aggregate 2-2, and then Tolima went on to win the title 2-4 in penalties. 

Image result for tiburon willy gif

 

Noob thinks the gal-mascot pertains to Tolima. 

Whether or no, good LAWD.

  1. Tunisia vs. Spain – friendly

#21 and Africa’s top-rated national team takes on the world #10 in a tuneup before they head to Russia

Spain may have only managed a draw against Switzerland, but those guys are a top-10 team themselves.  And it’s hard to forget how they ran absolutely roughshod over world power Argentina 6-1 the match before.

Tunisia continue to rack up non-losses. though the level of competition hasn’t been treeeemendous.

RESULT:   Spain   0-1

Sunday, 6/11

  1. Canadia vs. Germany – women’s friendly

Just a friendly, yes.  but these are the 3rd and 4th-ranked squads in the world.  Certainly a possible final or semifinal matchup preview.  The lofty number aside, neither has had much success against their peers of late, though Germany did beat the French side two attempts ago.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for Hamilton Ontario funny

 

 

So long from Hamilt– GAH!!!

*pees self*

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches (6/5-7) – ConIFA World Cup leads the way

Noob will dole out the Midweek featured matches piecemeal, day by day.  The footyball, it teases you, Noobites.  Tantalizes.

To learn a bit more about ConIFA, scroll down the last couple three posts.  Or visit them at ConIFA.org.

Tuesday

  1. Karpatalja vs. Cascadia – ConIFA World Cup

Karpatalja didn’t initially qualify for the event, but ended up replacing late dropout Feldivek (from Romania, representing the Hungarian minority there).  Yet they won their Group, finishing ahead of good Northern Cypress and Abkhazia sides.

Karpatalja also represent a Hungarian minority, but in the Ukraine.  They are not ranked in the posted top thirteen.

RESULT:   Karpatalja   3-1     Cascadia isn’t done playing though, as teams which lose get moved down into what they call “placement matches”.   Nice that they may the knockout stage in their first-ever trip to WC.

Image result for Karpatalja football

 

 

Gotta be honest – the upright animal with the tongue out is creeping Noob out.

B.  Louisville FC vs. New England Revolution – U.S. Open Cup

‘Muricuh’s FA Cup has reached its Fourth Round, where the MLS big boys come out to play.

These are single Knockout matches, and USL’s reigning champ had the good fortune to draw their Major League team on their own pitch.  Noob thinks they’ll still be doing well to earn a draw at home over 90’+, send it to penalties.  The winner here takes on the winner of the New York Derby next — NYCFC vs. Red Bulls.

RESULT:   Louisville   3-2      Upset City!

Image result for Letter B playing

Number B has also come out to play.

Sneaky Number B — are you for the Cavs or Warriors?

 

 

Wedesnday

  1. New York Red Bulls vs. NYCFC – U.S. Open Cup

The return of the New York derby!  It’s quite possible one of these two will win the whole shebang.  They currently rank #4 and #B in the MLS Eastern Conferences.

NYRB had been on fire until a loss at New England Revolution in their last league match.  NYCYC have been more up and down of late, will need to keep their defense buttoned down to have a shot.  It’s been a bit suspect at times this year.

RESULT:   NYRB   4-0

  1. Houston Dynamo vs. NTX Rayados – U.S. Open Cup

Welcome back to the Track, NTX!   This is the one true remaining minnow left in the tournament, an amateur team out of the North Texas Premier League.

To get this far, NTX have beaten a couple of tier-four teams and one from the USL (the admittedly awful OKC energy).  Today, obviously, they take a big step up in competition.

Houston has lost two league matches in a row, and one to the woeful Impact from Montreal.  Still, the Rayados would be doing well to keep this within two goals.

RESULT:   HOU   5-0      NTX kept the match scoreless for the first half

 

Rayados celebrate their first goal against Wichita in the Third Round

  1. The Strongest vs. Jorge Wilstermann – Bolivia Premier

Es deja vú toda de neuvo.  The Apertura (first half-season) Final of home and away matches between these two ended in a 3-3 aggregate draw.  Instead of penalty kicks, they’re playing again!

This final Final match will be held at a neutral site, in Sucre.  JW were the stronger team (pun intended) during the regular season.  Hard not to see them as the favorite here.

RESULT:   JW   2-2  /  2-3  PK      Congrats to the champs!

  1. Johor Darul Ta’zim vs. Pahang – Malaysia Super League

A few days ago, we featured a 1-2 match from this league.  JDT were and are #1.  It was written here that then-#B Perak had been overachieving, and it is proving to be true.  It was also posted that Pahang were the real second-best team in the league, and now they’re there.  What Noobstradamus sees comes to pass, never doubt, heathen Noobites!

Still, no one scores on Johur.  They’re not losing at home to anyone.

RESULT:   JDT   1-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

A Malaysian proverb says one should “not use an axe to embroider“.

I…lost my train of thought.  This doesn’t seem soccer-relevant now.  

 

Thursday

  1. USA vs. China – women’s friendly

‘Muricuh!!   #1!  USA!  Too many exclamation points!  The USWNT is already in for the 2019 WC by virtue of representing the host nation.

China are ranked #17 in the world, are about the 5th-best in Asia.  By finishing in the top three of the 2014 Asia Cup, they’ve already gained a berth for the final World Cup qualifying stage of the current version.  (Asia Cup is the WC qualifying determiner there.)   (9:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   USA   1-0

  1. Northern Cyprus vs. Padania – ConIFA World Cup

Semifinal action!  Northern Cyprus lambasted the host team – Barawa – 8-0 last round.  Padania topped Panjab 2-0.  Peruse posts from the last few days to learn more about this event, or hit ConIFA.org.

RESULT:   Northern Cyprus   3-2

Funny banana man in Northern Cypress restaurant is not worried about the #MeToo movement.  He’s gonna dance with whomever.

9.  Wales vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – women’s World Cup qualification (UEFA)

This tournament is in its second Group Stage.  35 teams have been divided into seven pods of five each.  They will play double round-robins in each.  The Group winners make the WC, while the top four second-best finishers will have a playoff for one more berth.

Wales is FIFA-ranked #34.  They’re #B in their Group, just two points behind England with three matches to play.  B&H are #57, are far enough back that they cannot win the Group.  They could still make second, but it’s going to require quite the run.

RESULT:   Wales   1-0

  1. England vs. Costa Rica – friendly

#13 hosts #25 in the World as they both prepare for World Cup.  England’s national team hasn’t lost in nearly a year, riding the back of their defense.  Still, for some reason, many a pundit doesn’t think they’ll make it out of the Group Stage in Russia.

Costa Rica has recently beaten Scotland and Northern Ireland, but lost to Tunisia in between.   They’re kinda-sorta Noob’s team to cheer for with the U.S. not in it.  Muricuhns are so torn on whether or not to root for rival Mexico, so why not the next-best CONCACAF side?   (3:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   England   2-0

Image result for Leeds England weirdos

 

 

 

So long from Leeds, West Yorkshire, England!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (6/4) – embrace the suckitude

Ah, Monday.  Why grumble over it?  Instead, Noob suggests embracing the dark feelings it brings and celebrating the suckitude.

League schedules run lighter after the weekend (very light, as will soon be demonstrated).  So let’s mix in some matches involving teams that are perhaps about to get Relegated, get to know some before they disappear into the mist of footyball irrelevance.

  1. Real Monarchs SLC vs. Rio Grande Valley Toros – USL

#1 and Noob-reviled RM SLC host #14 Toros in the only Division One or Two match in ‘Muricuh today.  Noob will pull for the Toros since nothing royal/”real” belongs in here, but their odds don’t look good.  RGV’s goal differential is almost even, but they don’t have the offense to keep up with the league’s best side.

RESULT:   SLC   2-0

Image result for revolt against monarchy funny

 

 

Not on Noob’s watch.

B.  Italy vs. Netherlands – friendly

FIFA-ranked #20 visits #19 in a battle of two of the best teams not to qualify for World Cup late this month.  As the match is being played in Turin, Noob’s guess is they’ll console each other over fine glasses of Borolo.   (2:45 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Barolo letter B

 

 

 

Number B stands for “the king of wine, the wine of kings”.

  1. Parana Clube vs. Fluminense – Brazil Serie A

Fluminense is in 9th.  The top seven will qualify for the next Copa Libertadores, South America’s version of Champions League.  The season is still young, but this feels about right for “the tricolor”.

But it’s Parana in second-to-last which has our real attention on a Monday.  Bottom four will be Relegated.  They are one of two clubs yet to net a single win.  Three goals scored in eight games is not going to get it done.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Parana   2-1     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

  1. Hafnarfjordur vs. Keflavik – Iceland Urvalsfeild

Iceland’s top league is ranked just 35th in UEFA, sandwiched by Albania and Hungary.  The season here is even younger than in Brazil, but Keflavik have already taken over last place by going winless so far.  They’re no great shakes on D, but it’s their O that really lacks.  Hosts FH are #3.

Fun Fact:  Keflavik is named for a town that existed until 1994, when it merged with another to form Reykjanesbaer.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for keflavik

  1. Serbia vs. Chile – friendly

Chile is a top ten club in the world, yet failed to qualify for WC.  Noob’s thinking they’ll take it out on #35 Serbia, since that team is headed for Russia.  Serbia did notch a solid win against Nigeria in their most recent match.   (2:45 PM, beIN Sports En Español)

RESULT:   Chile   0-1

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Luqueño – Paraguay Premier

3 de Febrero is going to be a Monday fixture this summer.  They were just promoted up from Division Intermedia this year, and they’re going right back down.  Points earned per game average in the table determines who gets The Boot, and 3dF average not much more than half as much as the next-worst team.

Yet this might be a chance for a W!  Their visitors are in third to last in the Relegation table.

Fun Fact:   Cuidad del Este – 3dF’s home city, is also home to a massive number of Lebanese immigrants.

RESULT:   Luqueño   0-2

Image result for ciudad de Este mosque

 

 

Umar Ibn Al Khattab mosque is the largest mosque in Paraguay (as of 2015 anyway).

  1. Barbados vs. Belize – friendly

As you might imagine, neither of these national teams are headed to World Cup.  But it’s fun to get to know teams close to home, and these two are both in CONCACAF.  Full disclosure though, it also catches Noob’s eye because his next-door neighbors are from Belize.

They’re FIFA-ranked #158 and #169, respectively.  Belize finished last in their Group in the last Copa Centroamericano.  Barbados has never qualified for a major international competition.

RESULT:   0-0     (game was played yesterday)

  1. Persipura Jayapura vs. PSM Makassar – Indonesia Liga 1

PSM are deadlocked with Barito Putera for #1 in the league, which only gets one AFC Champions League berth.  #4 Persipura actually have a higher goal differential than any of the teams ahead of them.

Only 9 points separate 1st and last in this slightly below-average Asian league.  The title race is tighter than Meg Ryan’s face.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Meg Ryan botox face

 

This feels mean, but let’s treat this as a PSA.

Botox.  Like with everything else in live, moderation is wise.

  1. Skjetten vs. Lillestrom II – Norway 3. Division

What could #10 be when #9 is a fourth-tier Norwegian match?  Hey, with so many of the “major” European leagues having concluded their seasons, Noob’s more than willing to dig as deeply as needed to find teams on the edge of getting kicked out of their leagues.

This league is divided into six divisions, presumably regionalized.  Four clubs will get Relegated and Skjetten is among those right now.  Their GD is really pretty ok, so they may flirt with climbing out of the Drop Zone.  More offense is they key for them.  Their guests today are in 3rd.

Fun Fact:   Skjetten the town had very bad gang problems for 15 years, until about 2007.  Just not something Noob thinks about with Norway.  

RESULT:   Skjetten   3-2       more Relegation Monday magic!

  1. Aragvi Dusheti vs. Bakhmaro – Georgia Liga III

Third division Georgian football?  You’re goldurn the-country-not-the-U.S.-state-right!  This country’s top-flight league is only ranked 45th of 55 in Europe.  These guys might not just be non-pros, they might have to pay to play.

The bottom half of this league are all marked as Relegation possibilities by one of Noob’s sources, so this has to be a Playoff situation when the time comes.  A.D. are in third-to-last.  Bakhmaro are #5, score nearly twice as much as their hosts.

Fun Fact:  Dusheti is the name of the currently existing town, while Aragvi is the name of the rebellious duchy that no longer exists in that same area.  They kept getting their butts kicked by the other Georgians.

RESULT:   Dusheti   3-1        a trifecta of Monday magnificence, another upset!

Image result for dusheti georgia

 

 

So long from the Ananuri Fortress, Dusheti, Georgia!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Midweek Edition (5/29-31) – Top American leagues, World Cup calisthenics

The American league seasons are at about there 1/3 marks, things starting to feel more pressured.  National teams are warming up for the World Cup.  It’s going to be an extraordinary soccer summer!

The ten best matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.  Perfect little previews, more than a little inanity – stroke them like a villain would his cat.  *purr*

(Note:  Enjoy Thursday off.  Play some ping pong or something.)

Tuesday, 5/29

  1. Portland Thorns vs. North Carolina Courage – NWSL

Jessica McDonald.  Crystal Alyssia Dunn.   Even at home, good luck stopping this high-scoring duo, Thorns.  They’ve got four goals apiece, which ties them both for 3rd in the league after ten matches.  NCC haven’t lost because no one can stop both.

Portland sit in in 4th place, and have won two straight matches.  But those wins have come against expansion Utah and lowly Houston.  Today is more than a step up in level.

RESULT:   NC   1-4

Image result for North Carolina Courage funny

 

 

“We are still undefeated and we are going OUT!”

B.  Real Monarchs SLC vs. Sacramento Republic – USL

The Western Conference and league leader hosts #4 Sacramento in your American undercard today.  RMSLC had won four in a row before losing to #B Portland II in their last match.

Sacramento have won two in a row.  The Republic may well be a playoff-caliber team, but Noob thinks they’ve overachieved to this point, have weaknesses on both sides of the ball that will cost them big today.

RESULT:   Monarchs   1-0

Image result for letter B exercise

 

 

 

Number B, consoling a young Sacramento fan.

  1. Panama vs. Northern Ireland – friendly

You might recall that it was Panama that claimed the final CONCACAF berth into World Cup ahead of ‘Muricuh.  They are the ranked just the 55th-best men’s national team in the world, and Panama is the smallest country by population to every qualify for WC.

Northern Ireland rank a surprising-to-Noob 27th, so this is a good tuneup match for Panama.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Peru vs. Scotland – friendly

World #11 hosts #44 in Peru’s warmup for WC.  Fans of South American football will be catching this on In Demand PPVHD (unpaid plug, just informational) at 9:00 PM Eastern.

RESULT:   Peru   2-0

Image result for sellout funny

 

 

 

Easy, cowboy!    Trying to get some sponsorship here.

  1. Argentina vs. Haiti – friendly

Srsly, Argentina?  (7:00 PM, beIN Sports)  And you can watch the carnage on the teevee.  Heaven help us.

Argentina, Noob has not picked a rooting interest for World Cup yet.  But if that happens, it won’t be you!  They’re not even in the top 100 in the world.  Pick on someone your own size.   Noob shakes his fist at you!

RESULT:    Argentina   4-0

Wedesnesday, 5/30

  1. New England Revolution vs. Atlanta United – MLS

New England are in 6th, which will be good for the last playoff berth at season’s end.  But there’s more than half the season to go, and the Rev have been fading in May.

Atlanta have lost two of three and fallen into a first-place tie with Columbus in the East.  The losses have come to a good Red Bulls side and the West’s #1 (KC).  But they were home matches.  Noob’s having a tough time reading this bunch.

If Atlanta are to get back into form, look for a big game from forward Josef Martinez.  He was a finalist for Newcomer of the Year in MLS last season.  The 25 year-old Venezuelan has scored eight goals, leads ATL.  Noob wonders if he’d be in a European league if he were more than 5’7”, about 150 lbs.

RESULT:   1-1      Josef Martinez did get a goal.  But the Rev made a penalty kick at 88′ to earn the draw.

Image result for Venezuelan football baby

 

Actual, current photo of Josef Martinez.

The Management:  I’m going to beat you.

*snortlaugh*

  1. Indy Eleven vs. Charleston Battery – USL

Indy Eleven have lost three straight matches.  Two were in the league, and one was to PDSL (fourth-tier) Mississippi Brilla, a Christian ministry team.

3rd-place Charleston haven’t allowed multiple goals in a single game all season.  They will be looking to kick Indy while they’re down, make a move on Cinci and Louisville in the East Division.

RESULT:   3-3    Both teams scored in the 90′.

  1. Austria vs. Russia – friendly

Russia hit the road for a World Cup tuneup.  They’re only the 66th-ranked team in the world, qualify as the host nation.  They are likely to get a tough lesson today in how things will go in the coming weeks.  Austria didn’t qualify for WC, but they’re the far better side, ranked #27 worldwide.

RESULT:   Austria   1-0

Image result for Russian soccer funny

 

 

It’s going to be a weird, wild World Cup.

  1. Japan vs. Ghana – friendly

WC warm-up.  Japan qualified, are ranked 60th in the world.  FIFA puts Ghana at 50th.  The visitors today had qualified for World Cup three straight times before missing this year.

RESULT:   Ghana   0-2

  1. Aluminij vs. Olimpija Ljubljana – Slovenia FA Cup

The Final!  Despite being listed second, this match is in Ljubljana.

O.L. won the Prva Liga, tying with Maribor on points, winning the title on head-to-head goals tiebreaker.  Now they play for the double against a weak Aluminij side.  They finished third-to-last in the league, just avoiding Relegation.

RESULT:   Ljubljana   1-6

Image result for ljubljana funny

 

 

So long from Ljubljana!

Where they know how to do stag parties proper…

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (5/26) – UEFA Champions League final is upon us!

It’s practically a holiday in much of the world  – UEFA Champions League Final-day!

The ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game – to follow still includes nine other games worthy of your ogling, Noobites.  Let your gaze wander over them all.

  1. Real Madrid vs. Liverpool – UEFA Champions League

To see Noob’s preview of the, prediction and the culinary methodology used, scroll down one post or click here:

http://www.soccernoob.com/2018/05/25/uefa-champions-league-preview-and-surefire-prediction-noob-examines-the-cities-traditional-stews/

RESULT:   Real Madrid    3-1     So much for stew.  Maybe next year we’ll try desserts.

B.  New York Red Bulls vs. Philadelphia Union – MLS

Even after scoring six goals in their last two games, 7th-place Philly has the statistically worst offense in the Eastern Conference.  Yet perhaps they’ve found their stride.  They’ll need everything they can muster against the league’s top offense tonight.

The #4 Red Bulls will likely go after Union defender Mark McKenzie.  He’s just 19 and the weak link of Philadelphia’s back line.

RESULT:   0-0     Noob needs to be careful.  20 seconds into the match, the radio commentators on SiriusXM were saying the exact same thing about McKenzie and the back line.   Noob’s is supposed to be Noob.

Image result for Philly letter B

 

 

Noob was unaware there was such a thing as “Philly Font”.  But there’s Number B in it.

  1. Chicago Red Stars vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

A Public Service Announcement from The Management:

Friends don’t let friends build cities on swampland.  Go, Chicago.  Down with the silly mice-people of swamp-Orlando.  Thank you for your attention.

If this has been an actual PSA, you wouldn’t have been on this Website.

#5 hosts #4.

RESULT:   Orlando   2-5

  1. Cincinnati vs. Louisville – USL

Cincinnati looks wrong no matter how many N’s or L’s Noob does or doesn’t put into spelling it.   Can we just all agree it should be “Cincinnnattti”?  Three of each on the back end works.  Three is a magic number.

Oh yes, and this match is the current Eastern Conference #1 versus the defending league champion and current division #B.  Louisville doesn’t score much, but they’ve not needed to.  Exquisite defense.

RESULT:   L’ville   0-2

Image result for spelling is hard meme

 

 

 

Hush, Marion.

  1. Aston Villa vs. Fulham – English Championship

Welcome to “The Most Expensive Game in Football”.  A second-division soccer match in England?  Really, Noob?   Yup.

This is the Final of the Promotion Playoffs, determining which club with join the top two finishers in being promoted to Premier League.  Which is worth something like a quarter billion pounds in TV rights-money and such.

Fulham had a slow start to their season before taking off, are likely the superior team.  Aston Villa’s a little tougher on defense, a mite weaker in goal-scoring.

RESULT:   Fulham   0-1     Welcome to the Premier League giant pot of money.

  1. Atletico MG vs. Flamengo – Brazil Serie A

They’re just a half dozen games into the season here, but this is #B hosting #1, and Noob digs it very much.  Flamengo are the only club averaging a full two goals per match.  but Atletico hasn’t lost since their opening match.  This match will be a… what’s Portuguese for “doozie”?

RESULT:   Flamengo   0-1

Image result for portuguese to english dictionary

 

 

“Sua mamãe.“

 

Really?  That doesn’t seem right somehow.

 

  1. Arsenal Sarandi vs. Club Cipolletti – Copa Argentina

The FA Cup in Argentina is now in its Knockout phase, the Round of 64.  Third-tier Minnows Cipolletti meet a Premier division club today, albeit a weak one.

Cipolletti is in Patagonia.  Noob’s young daughter named one of her stuffed penguins Patagonia.  Let us root for them for this arbitrary reason.

RESULT:   Cipolletti   0-0  /  2-3 pk     We’re Adopting Cipolletti!  You did it, Noobites!

  1. Universidad Catolica vs. Antofagasta – Chile Premier

#1 hosts #4 in a league from which three teams will qualify for next year’s Copa Libertadores.  Antofagasta co-lead the league in offense, but UCatolica are best defensively, and it’s not close.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for catholic soccer funny

 

 

Noob may have grown up a Lutheran, but this is…surprising.

  1. AIK vs. Norrkoping – Sweden Allsvenslanliga

Sweden’s top league has nearly now cracked the top 20 in UEFA’s rankings.  #2 hosts #3 here.  AIK barely allow a goal every other game.  Noob doesn’t think Norrkoping has the firepower to take this match on the road.

RESULT:   3-3

  1. Buducnost Podgorica vs. Sutjeska – Montenegro First League

Congratulations Sutjeska!

This is the league’s last match day of the season, and The Blues have a whopping 19-point lead on #B BP.  And not that Podgorica is a slouch by any means.  They have that #B wrapped up already themselves.  MFL is only the 44th-ranked league in UEFA, so they’ll only get Champions League berth.

RESULT:   Sutjeska   2-3

Image result for niksic montenegro funny

So long from Nicsik, Montenegro!

Forget footyball, Noob’s going ‘canyoning’.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday (5/25) – football and frequent flier miles!

TGIGF!

Passport?  Check.  Miniature toothpaste and shaving cream?  Check.  Match day tickets for around the planet!  You BETCHA.

As always on Fridays, we take advantage of a lighter day in the worlds’ schedules and Trot the Globe!  We start close to home, then jetset off to footyball hinterlands of wonder.  Strap in, Noobites.

  1. Houston Dynamo vs. NYCFC – MLS

Jesus Medina – assist leader NYCFC, Paraguay, 19 y/o

Two really good offensive teams face off in the best of the three league matches slated for tonight.  The West’s #6 hosts Eastern Conference #B NYCFC.

The visitors have actually run a touch hot and cold their last few games.   Noob thinks the key player to watch will be team assist-leader Jesus Medina.  He’s only 19, a Paraguayan national.  If The Blues can’t control the game from the middle of the field, they’re going home without a result.    (8:55 PM Eastern, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Houston   3-1

Image result for jesus medina

 

 

Noob found so many photos like this.  Medina yells a lot.

B.  Ottawa Fury vs. Bethlehem Steel – USL

Ottawa is one of the clubs that came over from the now-almost-defunct NASL.  They’ve struggled, though in truth they hadn’t been very good previously, either.

Bethlehem just sneaked into the playoffs last year as the #8 seed.  They’re were and are very balanced.  They’ve one their last two matches, and an easier stretch of their season continues tonight in Canadia.

RESULT:   Ottawa   1-0    The Fury scores in the 1st minute, and that ended that.

Image result for canadian alphabet funny

 

 

Number B, is that very polite?

  1. Copenhagen vs. Aarhus – Danish Superliga

it’s a Final!  Of sorts.  The winner of this match – a home one for Copenhagen – is awarded entry into  Europa League.

This league divided into championship and Relegation subdivisions.   Copenhagen finished 4th place of six on the former, and so lands here.  Aarhus finished best of those clubs in the Relegation group.

RESULT:   Copenhagen   4-1

  1. Kuwait vs. Egypt – international friendly

The World Cup starts soon, so this is a tuneup for Africa’s #1 national team.  Kuwait is FIFA-ranked #160 in the world, and down around the bottom third mark in Asia.

RESULT:   1-1

The starting eleven for Kuwait pose for a group picture

 

Smile, Kuwaitis!   You’re about to get unceremoniously drubbed.

  1. Kenya vs. Swaziland – international friendly

Neither of these two is headed to World Cup.  Kenya is the better side, being in the CAF published top-18 rankings.  Swaziland didn’t make this year’s, but are on that list for 2019.

RESULT:   Swayzeland (it should be!)   0-1

  1. Pakhtakor vs. Bunyodkor – Uzbekistan Super League

Anywhere in the world, #1 versus #B is always a treasure!  And this is even in a Noob-surprising top ten league in Asia.   They finished #3 and #4 last season, respectively. They’re about a third of the way through the 2018 season now.  Pakhtakor are a bit better on both sides of the ball.

Fun Fact:   Pakhtakor are one of three clubs based in the nation’s capital of Tashkent.  The city name translate to “cotton-grower”.

RESULT:   P’town   1-0

Image result for Tashkent cotton fair

 

 

Over 40 countries have come to this.

  1. Police vs. KCCA – Uganda Premier

KCCA are tied for #B with the league season in its final stretch.  Vipers are just five points ahead of them in the table.  If the two points KCCA were deducted earlier this year for some sort of naughtiness or other, they’re going to be displeased.

KCCA have the league’s best offense, while midtable-Police have one of the worst defenses.  If KCCA wants to make a move on the top spot, this road win is gettable and necessary.

Fun Fact:   Police play out of national capital Kampala, which means “hills of the impala” (antelope).

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Kopetdag vs. Sagadam – Turkmenistan Yokary Liga

The Yokary is a perfectly average Asian league.  Kopetdag are just 7th place of the eight teams.  Sagadam, are #B, just a point out of the league lead with two thirds of the season remaining.  Great chance for Sagadam to get three road points, as they score like crazy and Kopetdag don’t succeed in stopping much of anyone.

Fun Fact:   Kopetdag are from the country’s capital – Ashgabat, which can mean “city of love”, or perhaps “city of devotion”.

RESULT:   Kopetdag   3-0     upset!

Image result for kopetdag fk

 

Kopetdag Stadium – shiny!

  1. Da Nang vs. Binh Duong – Vietnam V.League 1

They’re just eight games into the season here, but Ha Noi is already starting to run away with things.  #3 Binh Duong will have to shore up their defense if they want to have a chance at closing the game with the frontrunners.  Mid-table Da Nang isn’t impressive in that regard, either, so this match could turn into a shootout.

Fun Fact:   The city of Da Nang has had many names over the years.  Nearly all have been a reference to the Han River.  The current name means “opening of a large river”.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Welwalo Adigrat University vs. Mekelle Kenema – Ethiopia Premier

Ethiopia’s top flight is the last league in the CAF top-18 continental ranking.  They just expanded from 16 to 22 teams this season.  This is likely the only reason W.A.U. is in it.  Currently, they’re in position to be one of three teams to get Relegated back to the country’s second-tier Super League.

Kenema have played one fewer match then the two teams ahead of them in the table, and trail by just a point.  With about two third of the season gone, this should be a dramatic finish for the league’s only berth into the CAF Champions League.   Welwalo won’t score on them.  Most teams don’t much.

RESULT:   WAU   1-0    more upsetness!

Fun Fact:   Agridat is an alternate name of Agrabah.  You may recall the city from the Aladdin movie that starred the late Robin Williams as the voice of the genie.

The Management here.  Pardon my interruption, but Noob is full of it once again.  Agrabah was and is not a real place.  If it was modeled after any particular locale, it would be one in the Middle East, not Africa in all likelihood.

So it’s coincidence that the league #1 is “Jimma Aba Jifar”?

Yes, you asshat, it’s —

Image result for genie and Jafar

 

 

So long from Agrabah!

 

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Wednesday (5/16) – MLS and Champions Leagues-ness lead!

‘Tis a strange T2T today.  OK, strange in a different way than usual.  Though it’s strange in the usual way, too…

The American portion of the ‘ten most important matches for us – the newish American fans of the global game’ aren’t chock full of the most high-end squads.  Still, we track and we learn the breadth of our local game!

The European and rest of the world-matches, weh-heh-hell, they’re quite the basket of goodies-  let’s gorge!

  1. Marseille vs. Atletico Madrid – Europa League

The Final!   And while it’s not in Marseille, it is in France (Lyon).  The winner gets a shiny trophy, and even better, an automatic invitation to the next Champions League.   (2:45 PM Eastern, FS1)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that the Spanish club gets better experience playing in a deeper league.  They’ll cruise today, 1-3, even on French soil.

RESULT:   Atleti   0-3

Image result for French soil funny

 

Even Marseille fans in the French soil will be upset.

B.  Vancouver Whitecaps vs. San Jose Earthquakes – MLS

Vancouver are in 5th place, SJ -10th.  Top six in each conference will make the playoffs, though that’s a ways off.

San Jose just got off a three-game losing skid, beating Minnesota Utd. on the road.  Vancouver, meanwhile, have been moving the wrong direction in the table since a reasonably nice start to the season.   (10:30 PM, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   …the ‘Quakes keeping Toronto’s star from Sierra Leone – Kei Kamara – in check, getting an 0-1 road upset!

RESULT:   2-2     My prognostication powers are not supposed to be for evil!  I tweeted the MLS After Dark pod guys/’Quakes fans when SJ led 1-2.   The game was immediately tied again.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

My vision also shows me the MLS After Dark pod duo will treat themselves to magnificently aged whiskey after the S.J. victory.

  1. Bethlehem Steel vs. New York Red Bulls II – USL

The top eight from each conference in the U.S. second division league makes the post season.  NY Red Bulls are 6th and should climb if their offense and goal differential continue as they are.

13th-place Bethlehem are not at all bad themselves, but the Eastern Conference is by far the tougher this season.

Noobstradamus Sees:   NYRB 1-2

RESULT:   Bethlehem   3-0

  1. Atlanta United II vs. Toronto II – USL

For as awesome as second-year MLS club Atlanta have been, their reserve team has sure been abysmal.  Yet they should be favored over winless Toronto II.  They haven’t even averaged a goal every other game.  These two are at the bottom of the East.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Surprisingly – goals!  2-2

RESULT:   ATL2   5-4    Many goals!

Image result for soccer surprise

 

 

 

Surprise!…

  1. Seacoast United Phantoms vs. Elm City Express – U.S. Open Cup

This is the Second Round of America’s FA Cup.  At this stage, USL clubs enter the competition.  To this point, Local Qualifying teams, and fourth-tier teams from PDL and NPSL have been vying.  The match Noob opt to feature today Is the only one from two dozen today that doesn’t feature a USL club.

Seacoast are officially from New Hampshire (“seacoast”, really?) but play their home games in Massachusetts.  They won the 1017 Northeast Division of the PDL.  Elm City entered the NPSL last year and one the whole shebang!  They play on Yale University’s campus.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Elm City won the first match on the road, while it took the Phantoms penalties to advance on their own pitch.   Express 0-2.

RESULT:   Elm City   0-2     Soothsaying success!

  1. Flamengo vs. Emelec – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of Champions League is close to completing its Group Stage.  Four teams are in each Group, top two move on to the Knockout Round.

Ecuadorian Emelec – the country’s top entrant – are in last.  They probably need to win both their remaining games to get to #B.  Flamengo are the 5th-best entry from Brazil.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Flamengo need to win out to possibly catch #1 River Plate out of Argentina.  They win in a rout today, 4-0.

RESULT:   Flamengo   2-0

Image result for emelec funny

 

Knock-knock.  Who’s there?

Emelec.  Until they’re eliminated.

  1. Shanghai SIPG vs. Kashima Antlers – AFC Champions League

This is the Round of 16 in Asia’s CL.  Each of these clubs finished #B in their domestic leagues last year.  Kashima won the first match of this two-legged tie big, 3-1.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  Kashima have too much offense for SIPG to make up this kind of deficit.  2-2 today.

RESULT:   SIPG   2-1     Kashima advances!

  1. Suwon Bluewings vs. Ulsan Hyundai – AFC Champions League

These are the 3rd and 4th-place clubs from South Korea’s K1 League last year.  Ulsan won the first leg 1-0.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Ulsan have been very average this season, and can’t score easily.  Suwon can and will, winning 2-0 today to advance.

RESULT:   Suwon   2-0   More success for my prognostication!

Image result for ulsan hyundai fc funny

 

 

What?

  1. Etoile du Sahel vs. Zesco United – CAF Champions League

The tournament is only a match or two in for everyone.  Africa’s CL, too, starts with Groups of four, with the top two finishers moving on to the Knockout Stage.

Tunisian EdS are finished #B last season in Africa’s best league not named Egyptian Premier.  Zesco won the last Zambian top-flight league title.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Zambia’s league is barely ranked top-10.  Noob’s not convinced there’s tons of parity in Africa.  Etoile wins 2-0.

RESULT:   Etoile   2-1

  1. AEK Larnaca vs. Apollon Limassol – Cypriot Cup

Let’s end the Track today with a Final!  It will be played at a neutral site, Cyprus’ biggest stadium, in Nicosia.  These two are #3 and #B in this year’s First Division.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   that despite not being in 1st currently, Apollon Limassol have only lost once all season.  Larnaca just don’t have the defensive chops to stay in it today.  1-3 Apollon Limassol.

RESULT:   Larnaca   2-1    Congrats to the Cup winners!

Image result for Nicosia funny

 

So long from Loufa Fun Park, Nicosia!

Will Noob enter the giant chicken?

Need you ask?