Tag: USL

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday (5/11) – from MLS to around the planet!

TGIGF!

Please keep your trays in the upright and locked position.  Your about to jet off with Noob on our weekly football adventure!  Buckle up.  It will get weird.    Again.

  1. Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Houston Dynamo – MLS

Everyone in the Western Conference is chasing KC and LAFC. The Whitecaps so far are the best of the rest.  For #6 Houston to eke out a road win, look for Argentinian national midfielder Tomas Martinez to need a big game.   (10:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Houston 2-1, with a goal and assist for Martinez

RESULT:   2-2     Martinez did get a goal.  Houston scored the go-ahead goal in 89′ and then Vancouver tied it right back up at 90′!

Image result for tomas martinez dynamo funny

 

And welcome to the Track, Tomas.

B.  Pittsburgh Riverhounds vs. Indy Eleven – USL

Your division two-undercard is also a #3 versus #6.  This is likely to be a defensive slog, er, artistic performance by both sides.

Noobstrdamus Sees:  Pittsburgh’s surprising undefeated streak continuing as they claim 1st place.  They have yet to lose all season.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for letter B goofy

 

 

Noob…doesn’t see how going incognito has a bird is relevant, Number B.

  1. Derby County vs. Fulham – English Championship

Wolverhampton and Cardiff City finished in the top two spots in England’s second division, earning automatic promotion to Premier League next season.  Now it’s time for the next four in the table to battle for the third and final spot.

#6 Derby Co. has bounced back from a mostly-catastrophic April (three straight losses) to not lose in their last three.  Fulham lost their last match – one that didn’t matter to them in the table – and before that last lost in early January.

Noobstradamus Sees:   The allure of something like a quarter billion pounds in added Premier League revenue being a strong, strong motivator.  Derby Co. overcomes a deficit at home, wins the first leg of this quarterfinal 3-2.

RESULT:   Derby Co.   1-0

  1. Guingamp vs. Marseille – Ligue 1

Noob once had a nasty case of Guingamp on his left foot.  That stuff will eat the flesh right to the bone if you’re not careful!

The Management here, apologizing once again for the randomly-non sequitur ramblings of Noob.  Is this something Farside comic-ish related to a foot disease like necrotizing fasciitis?

I like dogs.   I forget math sometimes.

Weirdo.  Anyway, this match is important because Marseille are one point outside of 3rd place and the league’s last CL berth with two league matches to go.  Don’t make me do your job, Noobstra-dumbass.

RESULT:   3-3     Marseille went down to ten men due to a red card at 66′.  Guingamp scored the go-ahead at 70′, but Marseille tied it back up at 81′.

  1. Reims vs. Nimes – Ligue 2

Where Noob deems nothing is as it seems.  *Noob beams*.

What the actual f– um, fruit?  The Management wonders if we need to talk to Human Resources.  #1 and #2, er, “#B” in France’s second division.

RESULT:   2-2    And that ends the regular season in France’s second division!  These two are promoted for next year to Ligue 1.  Next come the playoffs for the next three teams in the table to see which other club moves up.

  1. Antalyaspor vs. Istanbul Basaksehir – Turkey Super Lig

Turkey’s clubs have just two matches each to go, and nothing is decided at the table’s top.  Istanbul Basaksehir is tied for #B (3rd on tiebreaker though), trailing #1 Galatasaray by three and leading Besiktas by just one in the standings.

This is definitely a Hiccup Watch match.  Antalyaspor are in 12th and have done nothing against any of the top four clubs this season.  But anything can happen on the road, and I.B. cannot afford a Hiccup here.   (1:00 PM, beIN Sports En Español)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Istanbul eking this one out.  They’re offense is the weakest of the four top teams, but Antalyaspor can’t stop a beach ball generally.   I.B. 1-3, with a the third being a meaningless late one.

RESULT:   I.B.   0-2

Image result for turkey club sandwich

 

Yup.  Turkey club on top of a table.

No apologies.

  1. Erzurum BB vs. Umraniyespor – Turkey First League

Welcome to the Track, Turkey second division!   Just like in England’s second tier, the top two get auto-promoted, while the next four duke it our for a third slot moving up.  These two finished #5 and #4, respectively.  Both have been rolling.

Noobstradamis Sees:  …Erzurum’s freaky two-headed bird crest emblem.  Not a vision, just a plain old nightmare.  Umraniyespor wins 1-8.  Maybe.

RESULT:  EBB   4-3

Büyükşehir Belediye Erzurumspor logo.png

 

  1. Leipaja vs. RFS – Latvia Higher League

it’s very early in this European summer league, where these two are #1 and #3, and are tied for the largest GD so far (+10).  Let’s have a shootout!

Noobstradamus Sees:   Leipaja 4-3

RESULT:   RFS   3-5

  1. Ismaily vs. Al Masry – Egypt Premier League

Perennial powerhouse Al Ahly has already claimed the title, but this league gets two berths into the next CAF Champions League.  #B Ismaily is up on #3 Al Masry by five in the table, but this is the host team’s last match of the season.  Al Masry have one more after this in which to earn points.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …that Ismaily hasn’t lost since February.  it will be hard-fought by Al Masry, but the final will be 2-2, securing ismaily’s CL invite.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Al-Jazeera vs. Al-Wehdat – Jordan Premier

Let’s end the Track with a celebratory congrats to Al-Wehdat, you’re 2017-18 Jordanian champs!  This is the last match of the season for these two.  Al-Wehdat are tied for #B and Noob presumes a Confederations Cup slot (think: Europa League for Africa).

Noobstradamus Sees:  ….a grand party for Al-Wehdat!

RESULT:   Al-Wehdat   0-4

Image result for amman jordan

 

And so long from Amman, Jordan!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Tuesday (5/8) – US Open Cup leading the way

Wednesday in particular is going to be SO chock full of exceptional matches that Noob is expanding the usual three-day, one-post Midweek Edition into three full days!

I’ll wait for the applause to die down.

OK, splendid.  Onward and upward to the ten most important matches for us, the newish Americans fans of the global game – to follow!

  1. Portland Timbers U23 vs. Kitsap Pumas – U.S. Open Cup

It’s not so much that this one particular match is “important”, but Noob felt it was past time to post that the event had started.  And it’s the only match from the event today.

This is America’s FA Cup.  Competing are the 20 US-based MLS clubs, 22 of the second-division USL teams.  Also in – through qualification rounds – are 41 teams from the unofficial fourth tier (there is no “third tier”) NPSL and PDL and 13 from local amateur leagues.

Kitsap (Bremerton, WA) are here from the Northwest Conference of the NPDL, winners of the playoffs there.  Portland’s most seasoned youth squad won the Northwest Division playoffs in the PDL to get in.  This is the First Round.  The winner will take on Reno 1868 out of the USL.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Nothing.  I have a policy of not prognosticating when kiddins are involved.

RESULT:   PTU23   5-0

Image result for kids gambling funny

 

 

 

 

Only madness can ensue from such.

B.  Swansea City vs. Southampton – English Premier

Probably about a quarter billion pounds on the line.  Two matches to go, and these two are tied in the table for 17th.  Southampton lead on GD.  Bottom three of the 20 clubs get Relegated to the second tier Championship League next season, so they’re straddling that line.

Swansea haven’t won a match since early March.  Southampton actually have a win and a draw in their last two games.   (2:45 PM Eastern, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1.  More tension!

RESULT:   Southampton   0-1   And with that, West Brom are now Relegated along with Stoke City.  One more to be determined.

Image result for letter B gif

 

 

Number B, adding to the tension and high drama.

  1. Les Herbiers vs. Paris Saint-Germain – Coupe de France

Minnow madness!   Les Herbiers are from the third tier of French football.  And they’re on the edge of being Relegated down another level this season.  Yet here they are!   Technically, this is at a neutral site, but only in that it is not on PSG’s home pitch.  But it is in Paris.   (3:05 PM, beIN Sports)

Noobstradus Sees:   I’m not telling!  Because I want to be wrong.  PSG are tops in all France.

RESULT:   PSG   0-2

  1. Aberdeen vs. Rangers – Scottish Premier

Two matches to go, and these two are #B and #3, separated in the table by just a point.  Hibernian lurk just two more points back, looking to steal one of their Europa League bids should either falter.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Aberdeen 2-0        Rangers are going to be a mess, as their going through a late-season managerial change.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for aragorn fallen off cliff

 

Falling off a cliff will mess up a Ranger as well.

  1. Buriram United vs. Jeonbuk – AFC Champions League

It’s the Round of 16, first leg.  These two are entrants from the #9 and #4 leagues in Asia.  Noob’s doubtful either can reach beyond the next round, so let’s pay them attention while we can.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Jeonbuk 1-2     The top leagues in Asia are simply much better.

RESULT:   Buriram   3-2

  1. Al-Ain vs. Al-Duhail – AFC Champions League

Your undercard today from this tournament is a tough one to handicap.  Al-Ain – from UAE – only snuck in because the qualifying 3rd-place team from the top league there last year merged with a different club.  They have to exist as they are for three years to be eligible.

Duhail are here by virtue of winning last year’s top league in Qatar.

Noobstradamus Sees:   The crystal ball is cloudy.  Either there’s not enough of a sample size with Al-Ain to know how good they might be, or I need to find some Windex.

RESULT:   Duhail   2-4

Image result for bad merger funny

 

 

Crazy-bad merger idea

  1. Debrecen vs. Puskas FK Academy – Hungary FA Cup

These two mid-table teams from Hungary’s top division are facing off in a Semifinal.  Puskas took the first leg 4-0.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Puskas 1-3     Until their last match, they’d been in a seven-match unbeaten streak.  Debrecen have been going the opposite way.

RESULT:   Debrecen   2-0    But Puskas advance on aggregate, 4-2.

  1. Cobh Ramblers vs. Longford Town – League of Ireland Cup

This is not the country’s FA Cup.  Rather, mostly only teams from the top two divisions complete.  They invite a few lower division and even junior teams sometimes to round things out.  This is a Quarterfinal, featuring two second-tier sides.  They are #8 and #6 in their league, respectively.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Longford  0-1!   Apparently Rambling doesn’t involve scoring much, but Cobh hasn’t much all season.

RESULT:   Cobh   2-0

Image result for rambling bad funny

 

 

 

[insert self-deprecating joke about Noob’s own rambling HERE]

  1. Atletico MG vs. San Lorenzo – Copa Sudamericana

It seems odd to Noob these two would be meeting in the First Stage.  These are the top two entrants from South America’s top two countries, Brazil and Argentina.   Maybe it’s a completely random draw.  Weirdness.  Also, it’s the only one of the three matches from this event today not televised on a network one might get here in America.  More weirdness.

Aaaanywho, this is South America’s equivalent of Europa League.  San Lorenzo won the first leg 1-0.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …this very even matchup ending as it should.  Atletico 1-0. then winning it in PK’s.

RESULT:   0-0    San Lorenzo advances on aggregate, 1-0.

  1. Al Quwa Al Jawiya vs. Al Ahed – AFC Cup

This isn’t really analogous to Europa League, other than that this is a secondary tournament to the AFC Champions League.  Top teams from leagues in what their confederation has deemed “developing soccer countries” play in this one.

AQAJ – out of the Iraqi Premier – have won the last two years.   They are also the defending champions of AFC’s #11 league.  Ahed are undefeated this year in the Lebanese Premier (league #21).

Noobstradamus Sees:  Nothin’.  Qawa Jawiya are messing with the Scrabble-part of my prognosticating brain.

RESULT:   AQAJ   3-1

Image result for iraq goodbye funny

 

 

 

So long from Iraq, Noobites!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/7) – suckitude powers, engage!

Monday, Noob will not fight you.  Never have, never will.  Instead, I embrace your dark side.

Join me, Noobites, in getting to know some teams that are about to get Departed from their current league.  May they rest in peace in lower leagues.

But first, three non-Relegation matches of varying import —

  1. Penn FC vs. Ottawa Fury – USL

If the U.S. had promotion/relegation, these two would be candidates to go down to the third tier.

Penn FC are the previously-named Harrisburg City Islanders.  Rebranding, meh.  Spend time scouting some players who can score instead.  (Five goals in seven games)   You’re in 13th.

Ottawa is one of the NASL clubs that have moved over this season from that currently non-operational league.  They stunk there, they stink in USL.  Last place.  They’re offense makes Penn’s look hyoooooj.  (Two goals in six games)

So why Track it?   Honestly?  Because it’s the only U.S. match at either of the top two levels today.  Muricuh!

Noobstradamus Sees:   Penn 1-0, in front of a crowd of dozens.  Rebranding, haha.

RESULT:   Ottawa   0-1   Game-winner scored in the 87′

Image result for muricuh

 

 

Soooo much Muricuh it’s blinding.

B.  Al-Sadd vs. Al Ahli – AFC Champions League

The Group Stage survivors now begin the knockout Round of 16.

Al-Sadd finished #B in their Group.  They also finished #B in Qatar’s top-flight league (#3-ranked in Asia) and won the nation’s FA Cup.  Al Ahli finished #B in the Saudi Premier (#7-ranked).

Noobstradamus Sees:   2-2     Al Ahli are better, but Al-Sadd has been scoring like on a pinball machine.

RESULT:   Al-Sadd   2-1

Image result for letter B pinball

 

 

Number B, retro-cool

  1. Besiktas vs. Kayserispor – Turkey Super League

Europe’s most dramatic league finish is in Turkey.  The top three clubs are separated by just three points.

#4 Besiktas have played one fewer matches than the leaders, can move within a point of #B/#3 with a win today.  #8 Kayserispor have overachieved to even be that high in the table.

Noobstradamus Sees:  The home Black Eagles winning 3-1.

RESULT:   Besiktas   2-0

  1. Anzhi Makhachkala vs. FK Akhmat – Russia Premier

Makhachkala are in a precarious position with just one league match to play.

In this 16-team league, they are tied for 14th (ahead on GD).  The bottom two will be automatically relegated.  The next two play in a Relegation Playoff for a chance to stay in Premier.

Noobstradamus Sees:   #11 Akhmat getting the road win, 1-2.  The hosts can’t defend worth a lick.

RESULT:   Akhmat   0-2

Fun Fact:  Anhzi means “pearl” in a somewhat local Turkic language

Image result for defenseless funny

 

 

Speaking of no defense…

  1. Pacos de Ferreira vs. Rio Ave – Primeira Liga

It’s a party at the bottom of Portugal’s top-flight table– there’s a three-way tie for last!  PdF have the best chance of avoiding The Boot though, as they have two matches to play.  Their peers are down to just one.

The bad news is that Rio Ave is #5 in the league, play the best defense outside of the league’s runaway top four.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Rio Ave  0-2

RESULT:   0-0

Fun Fact:  PdF are “the Beavers”.

  1. Sepsi OSK vs. Concordia Chiajna – Romania Liga I

Chiajna are in third-to-last place.  Whichever club finishes in that spot will play the 3rd-place team from Liga II for the right to be in Liga I next season.  Sepsi are two points up the table.   This league has several matches still to play, and things at the bottom are tight.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Chiajna 0-2    Sepsi returns to their woeful offense-ways after a stretch of decent football.

RESULT:   Chiajna   0-2    See, Noobstradamus sees all!  Well, some.  A little…

Fun Fact:  Chiajna is really three villages, with a combined pop. of less than 9000.

Image result for chiajna monastery

 

 

 

Chiajna Monastery

  1. Etar vs. Pirin Blagoevgrad – Bulgaria First Pro League

Bulgaria’s Relegation system is so unnecessarily drawn out.  Noob started to spell it all out here, but it was dizzying.

Here’s the need-to-know.  The worst four teams now play in a bracketed Relegation Playoff.  these are two of those.  They will be joined in the end by the #B and #3 Liga II teams.  Win two games, you’re saved.  Otherwise, demoted.

Noobstradamus Sees:  Stars, and a spinning room.  Bulgaria, clean this crap up.

RESULT:   Etar   2-1

Fun Fact:   No Fun Fact for you, Bulgaria!  Clean.  This.  Up.

  1. Sirius vs. Orebro – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

This summer league is just beginning.  Still, Sirius is near the bottom, trying to ramp up their league-worst offense.  Orebro are in 5th, one of three still-undefeated teams.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Orebro 0-2

RESULT:   Orebro   2-4

Fun Fact:  IK Sirius is also the name of a bandy club, bandy being basically ice hockey, but with a ball.   Noob’s sirius.

Image result for that's just awful

  1. Banfield vs. Chacarita Juniors – Argentina Premier

All four sides to be Relegated here are already determined.  So long “Undertakers”.  What a weird nickname, Chacarita.  (6:00 PM Eastern, TyC Sports International)

Noobstrdamus Sees:   0-0    Banfield are below average themselves.

Fun Fact:  The shortest word you can play in Scrabble using all the letters in “Chacarita” is “tachycardia”.

RESULT:   Banfield   2-1

  1. Johor Darul Ta’zim II vs. Sarawak FA – Indonesia Premier

They’re only about ten games into the season, but JDT II have got to start scoring if they’re going to get their first win of the year.  Sarawak are mid-table.

Noobstradamus Sees:  …you surprised to find out that despite the “Premier” name, this is not Malaysia’s top league!  That would be their “Super League”.  This doubles as the Fun Fact.

RESULT:   JDT2   2-0

Image result for johor bahru malaysia funny

 

 

 

So long, from Johor Bahru, Indonesia!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday – from MLS to a Saudi surprise

TGIGF!

‘The ten best matches for us – the newish American fans – to track’ takes its usual Friday bent, as we Trot the Globe!  Today, we’ll start in locales familiar, then jetset to four continents for footyball action!

There must be a crack in the airplane window today.  Nothing but a low oxygen level explains Noob’s weirdness this round…

  1. Toronto vs. Philadelphia Union – MLS

Philadelphia, we’re used to you being ungoodly.  8th in conference last year, same this season.

But Toronto?!   The defending champs are in last place in the Western Conference.  Apologists will say they had been putting most of their early season effort into the CONCACAF Champions League (in which they lost in the Final).  Contrarians might contend their stars are getting long in the tooth.   (8:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

Noobstradamus Sees:   Philly 0-1.   On a late penalty kick.  After a bad call.

RESULT:   Toronto   3-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

It’s about time I was co-lead of this shite soccer site.  

Time to clean stuff up!

B.  Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Manchester United – English Premier

It will be interesting to see which side brings the energy today.  #B Man Utd. have already locked up their Champions League berth for next year.  BHA are in 14th, but could still be fighting hard for a top half finish.  Plus, each position up in the table is worth an average of about 2M pounds.  Not that Noob knows if the players get it.

BHA’s issue all season has been goal-scoring.  For a table-top team, Man Utd don’t score in droves, either.    (3:00 PM, NBCSN)

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1     BHA scores early, Man Utd decides late that they’d like a point.

RESULT:   BHA   1-0

Image result for happy letter B

 

Noob hopes that’s a BHA fan, supporting the quest of Number B!

  1. Real Salt Lake City vs. Orange County – USL

Division Two this may be, but what a matchup.  The current 3rd-place and defending Western Conference champs take on #1 OC.

Real SLC trail OC by three in the table, but have played two fewer games.  But that’s not the only reason OC lead.  They are tied for the league’s best offense and sport the #1 defense as well.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Real 3-2.   Which sucks.  Because tenured Noobites know how Noob feels about anything royal/”real” in Muricuh!   Did we fight the Revolutionary War for no reason?

RESULT:   Real   2-1

  1. Al Ahly vs. Esperance – CAF Champions League

Africa’s Champions League group stage begins!  Four groups of four, top two finishers in each advance to the quarterfinals.

And Group A is your “Group of Death”.  These two clubs are why.   They are the runaway winners of the continent’s best two leagues (Egypt, Tunisia).

The other two in this group are a Botswanan club that had to get through a qualifying round and the champs out of Uganda – a mediocre, one-entrant league.

Noobstradamus Sees:   Al Ahly  4-1      The “Red Castle” are going to make a statement right out of the gate.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for group of death funny

  1. Braga vs. Boavista – Primeira Liga (UEFA #7)

Two league matches to go in Portugal, and things are scalding hot at top of table.

Braga trail the #3 and #B clubs by just three points.  To get a Champions League berth, they’ll have to pass both.  The good news for them is that they would likely hold the goal differential-tiebreaker over one of them should that come into play.

Noobstradamus Sees:   …Braga having no trouble with #8 Boavista.  Too much firepower up front.  Braga 3-1.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Dynamo Kyiv vs. Mariupol – Ukraine Premier (UEFA #8)

D.K. lag behind #1 Shakhtar Donetsk by five points.  Even with surely a dominating performance today versus #5 Mariupol, they’re unlikely to catch up.  But Ukraine gets two into Champions League, so their weeping for what is lost will be short-lived.

Noobstradamus Sees:   D.K.  2-0

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for weep for what is lost

  1. Istanbul Basaksehir vs. Sivasspor – Turkey Super Lig (UEFA #10)

If Portugal is “scalding hot”, Turkey is pure lava!  The top four in Turkey are separated by all of four points.

Top two get into Champions league, and Besiktas is #B with three league matches to go.  But they face the toughest test this weekend among those top four, the #7 Spartans of Sivasspor.

Noobstradamus has had a stunning vision!

“I dreamt I was in the movie “Meet the Spartans”.  Kevin Sorbo and Diedrich Bader were doing battle in a gladiatorial stadium.  I looked on with Carmen Electra as the two combatants pelted one another with petrified baklava.  We delighted in the blood and faux-chocolatey spatter as they danced their dance of death.”

“In truth, the battle was very one-sided.   Sorbo, in a Sivasspor football kit, stood over the prone, dessert-covered Bader in his Istanbul gear.  Just before slamming the fatal shard into his heart, Sorbo shouted, ‘1-2’!”

It was a pretty abrupt ending to a terribly strange dream.  But Noobstradamus is only a host for the visions, not the controller.   Sivasspor deal a mighty blow today to Istanbul’s title hopes.

RESULT:   1-1     Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten chilidogs and watched Hercules and Outsourced back-to-back so late…

Image result for Kevin Sorbo Diedrich Bader

 

 

But in real life —

Best frehhhnds!

  1. Waterford vs. Dundalk – League of Ireland Premier (UEFA #38)

#3 hosts #2 in one of Europe’s “summer leagues”.  They’re only maybe 2/3 of the way through their season, not in the last matches like the “bigger” UEFA leagues.

Cork City is #1, but not running away with the title like last season.  Dundalk trails them by three, and surprising Waterford is just three more back.

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1    This will only be the fifth goal Dundalk has conceded all season.

RESULT:   Waterford   2-1

  1. Barcelona SC vs. LDU de Quito – Ecuador Serie A

If this looks familiar, it’s because it should.  These two just played on 4/29 in a Noob-featured match.  Quito hosted and won 2-1.  They now lead BSC by a point in the table.  But now BSC hosts.

Noobstradamus Sees:   1-1     Quito is better on both sides of the ball, if not by leaps and bounds.

RESULT:   Quito   0-1

  1. Al Kawkab vs. Al-Raed – Saudi Pro League qualification

It’s a Final!  And Noob would be willing to bet no one else in the English-speaking world is previewing this match.

Al-Kawkab finished 4th in the second-division First League.  And they got whupped in the first leg by top-tier bottom feeder Al-Raed, 4-1.

If Kawkab has hope, it is that Raed played the worst defense in their league, and they played among the best offense in their own.  And Kawkab did score in that first road leg.  Noob suspects the player who got that – Senegalese forward Mignane Diouf – will have to catch fire.

Noobstrdamus Sees:   Kawkab   2-1     Good, but not good enough

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for goodbye from Saudi Arabia

 

 

And goodbye from Saudi Arabia!

‘10 to Track’ for Sat., 4/27 – from MLS and Liga MX to Europe and beyond, it’s a Noobstradamus-day!

Noobstradamus, did you hit the Sativa instead of the Indica?   It’s a tidal wave today of prognostication excellence (*cough cough*) from our resident ancient seer!

Here are the 10 most important games to track today, for us, the newish American fans.

  1. New England Revolution  vs Sporting Kansas City – MLS

KC has a five-point lead in the West, but the next two behind them have played two fewer games.   Things will tighten up. The Revs are in 4th in the East, a far sight better than last season.

Noob looks for the high-powered Kansas City side to score early and often.  New England’s defense is solid, but KC lead the entire league in goals made.       (7:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   New England   1-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Why hate when I can prognosticate?

1-2 Kansas City is the today’s future.

 

B.    Orlando Pride vs Seattle Thorns- NWSL

Noobstradamus says 0-1, Seattle over Swanp City.  Down with bad urban planning!

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

I foresee Number B replacing that archaic Number to in lists, thanks to this quest.  Archaic things, meh!

Wait, I’m archaic…

 

3.  Tigres vs. Monterrey – Liga MX

Both have qualified for the postseason Liguilla heading into this final regular season match.  But seeding is still very much in the air.  They are 4th and 3rd now, but either could jump to #B with a win tonight.

Tigres will try to keep the pace slow.  They can’t take Monterrey in a goal-fest.   Noobstradamus sees all, sees a 1-1 draw.  (8:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   2-2

4.  Inter Milan vs Juventus – Serie A

Juve is only a point up on #B Napoli.  Inter is in 5th, just outside the Champions League slots.  But they trail the next two teams up by just one in the table.  Juve are better on both sides of the ball, and loads better on offense.    (2:45 PM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Juve   2-3    Good LAWD!   Juve was watching their title slip away, down 2-1 with three minutes plus added time to go.  They scored twice more before 90′.

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Inter will run out of gas now and going forward.   0-1 Juve today

5.  Bayer Leverkusen vs Stuttgart – Bundesliga

Will the pressure get to Leverkusen?  They’re 4th, barely in a CL slot  they SHOULD handle 10th place Stuttgart.  (12:30 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   Stuttgart   0-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

2-1 Leverkusen.  Stuttgart is German for “stuttering child”.  You don’t need other-worldly powers to see their going to lose.

The Management here:  Noobstra-dumbass doesn’t know German.

6.  Swansea vs Chelsea – English Premier

Four matches to go and 5th place Chelsea still trails #4, Noob-reviled Hotspur by five points in the table.

Meanwhile, Swansea are fighting for their Premier lives at the other end of the standings.  They’re only one slot above the Relegation line, though at least they have a four-point lead on the next club down.  They can’t score.  They have the best defense among the league’s worst teams, but that’s quite the qualifier.   (12:30 PM, Universo)

RESULT:   Chelsea   0-1

Image result for noobstradamus

 

1-3 Chelsea.

I also predict Hotspur will  be Relegated for being named for a historic traitor.

7.  Lyon vs Nantes – Ligue 1

Hiccup Watch match for #3 Lyon. France only gets three into CL nowadays   Pummeling #9 Nantes will give them relief.   Noobstradamus says Lyon 3-0.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-0

8.  Herediano vs Saprissa – Costa Rica Premier

The top two collide in the postseason!  Noobstradamus predicts concussions.  Ouch.

RESULT:   Herediano   1-0

9.  Sendai vs. Sapporo – J 1 League

The Management must be given his Japan-fix.   The league is just far enough in now for Noob to pay attention.

Noobstradamus has no score prediction, but prognosticates The Management will today bring up in conversation a culturally subversive animated show from there that features an office worker Red Panda that fights off existential ennui by performing in a death metal band at night.

Noob isn’t kidding.  It’s so disorienting, all I can do is figuratively projectile-vomit out number #10 – Reno and OKC in USL action.  Reno scores LOTS. They’ll win…14-3 today. Maybe.

RESULTS:   J1 League match ends 2-2;  Reno   2-0

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday (4/27) from MLS, around the world, ending in Paradise

The world is a big place.  There’s always a few soccer matches important for us, the newish American fans, to follow each day.  And so it is now, on a Friday.

But it’s hard to fill the Track with good ones from our usual leagues.  So we Trot the Globe!   We’ll start in familiar locales, but soon be on a magical footyball adventure.  Lace your boots tight, Noobites!

  1. Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Real Salt Lake – MLS

The best (ok, only) Major League Soccer game today!  They may not be quite title contenders, but a quarter of the way into the season they’re in the last two playoff spots (#6, #5) in the Western standings.

Let’s put the spotlight on RSL, since they didn’t make the playoffs in ’17.  What’s changed for them this year?  Defense.  It’s not lights out, but it’s better.  And truth be told, it wasn’t that awful last season.   Their goal differential looked more like teams’ from further up the table.

More importantly, though, is what hasn’t changed for them this year.  They are still “Real” – royal!   Few things get Noob’s dander up like homages to royalty we don’t have here!  ‘Muricuh!   So today, it’s “Go, Canadia!”   (10:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   Vancouver   2-0

Image result for King George american revolution funny

 

“The Weirdness of King George”

Quickly-rejected movie script idea.

 

B.  Tijuana vs. Toluca – Liga MX

Time for the final round of regular season matches in the Clausura (second half-season) in Mexico!   One must love the format.  Only 17 games means a tight table.  Toluca have wrapped up the #1 seed for the Liguilla (postseason playoffs) already, so it will be interesting to see if the rest starters for this one.

Tijuana would love love love to face a reserve side.  They are in 8th – the last playoff spot.  They could jump to as high as 6th with a win tonight.  If they get a draw or lose, as many as three four teams could pass them, ending their season.

These two sport the stingiest defenses in the league.  Tijuana doesn’t score enough for this to be any better than an even matchup at home.  Unless Toluca plays their water boys and equipment managers.

RESULT:   Tijuana   1-0     Success!  This pushes them to 6th, and guarantees them a Liguilla slot.

Image result for lazy letter B

 

 

Toluca might get lazy like Number B.

  1. Las Vegas Lights vs. San Antonio – USL

Your ‘Muricuhn soccer undercard comes from out West as well.  Las Vegas Lights are a new expansion team.  They’re just in 10th right now, but that’s largely a product of scheduling.  They’ve only played four matches so far, while other clubs have had as many as eight.  The success they’ve had in limited action so far has been founded on defense.  That’s a bit unusual for a new club, and a good sign.

San Antonio are in 12th, with six games under their big-buckle belts.  They have trouble scoring, haven’t done so their last two games.  That includes an 0-3 beat down they suffered hosting Orange County FC.

RESULT:   San Antonio   1-3

  1. Tapachula vs. Universidad de Guadalajara – Ascenso MX

Noob has been derelict in his duty to you, newish American soccer fans.  As we learn the world game together, I’ve tried to keep our eyes close to home, then on  England, continental Europe, South America and beyond.   I’ve been remiss in ignoring the second-division league in the best soccer country in North and Latin Amerca.  Mea culpa.

Just like Liga MX, there are 16 teams, eight of which make the Liguilla there.  Their annual season is likewise divided into separate Apertura and Clausura seasons.  And their seasons start a little earlier than Liga MX.  So…

Welcome to the Liguilla Final!!   This will be a two-legged tie.  As the higher seed from the regular season results (#3), UdG will host the second match.  Tapachula barely squeaked in at all (#8).  They have issues on defense, yet at home give UdG all they can handle and maybe more.

RESULT:   Tapachula   1-0

Image result for lo siento funny

  1. 1899 Hoffenheim vs. Hannover 96 – Bundesliga

This match makes the Track strictly based on Hoffenheim’s position.  And it’s a Hiccup Watch game.  Hannover is in 12th, ho-humming their way through the end of the season.

The Hoff are in 5th, one slot and two points outside a Champions League berth.  And two clubs are hot on their tail, in turn.  They’re better than their guests and shouldn’t struggle.   Unless the pressure is too much.

RESULT:   Hoffenheim   3-1   This puts the Hoff in 4th for the moment.  Most league teams have now played one fewer game than them.

  1. Newcastle Jets vs. Melbourne City – Australia A-League

As the regular season #B finisher, Newcastle got a bye into the league playoff Semifinals.  #3 Melbourne City topped #6 Brisbane Roar to get here.  This is a Knockout playoff format, one match only.  The winner likely gets Sydney FC and loses badly.

RESULT:   Newcastle   2-1

Image result for kangaroo boxing

 

It’s time for kangaroo-boxing.

Noob has no reason.  Noob needs no reason.

  1. Tishreen vs. Al Ittihad – Syria Premier

Welcome back to the Track, #14 league in Asia!  That’s just above the 1/3 line, right between Malaysia and India (cricketheads).

With just eight matches to go, #4 Tishreen has no real chance of catching #1 Ittihad for the league’s only Champions League invite.  That said, this match is a tossup today, INHO.  Ittihad lead Al-Jaish by just two in the table.

Fun Fact:  Tishreen means October or November in Arabic. The months then are distinguished by indicating First or Second Tishreen.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Wad Hashim Sennar vs. Merreikh El-Fasher – Sudan Premier

5th-best league in Africa.  Would get a touch more regular coverage if Noob spread his interest and gaze equally over the globe.

Sudan this year has divided its league into two Groups.  The top four of each of these eight it appears make a title playoff.  WHS are just a point on the wrong side of that line in theirs.  Al-Fasher are #B, and Noobstradamus thinks they’ve been overachieving!

I tossed some pepperoni slices into the air.  When they fell, I divined today’s result by meditating on them severely, like over animal entrails in ancient times.  Sennar is destined for victory.  2-0.

RESULT:   WHS   2-0   

Image result for Noobstradamus

 

 

Crystal balls are a bunch of poppycock.

  1. Kiyovu Sports vs. Miroplast – Rwanda National League

Rwanda’s league is ranked in the top half of CAF, if not by much.  They’re about halfway through the season there, and Kiyovu Sport are #4 in one heckuva tight table.  Well, tight at the top.   They should handle Relegation candidates Miroplast with ease.

Fun Fact:  Kiyovu are the only team in RNL history to go undefeated (1990).

RESULT:   Kiyovu   2-0

  1. St. Nevis and Kitts vs Jamaica – international friendly

Where better place to end the Track then in the Caribbean.  Relax.  Rest up for the midweek Edition coming tomorrow.  Have a ginger ale.  Grab a chair.

Noob’s still learning every day, even with close-ish to home-footyball.  Jamaica’s men’s national team is rated #48 in the world and fourth-best in CONCACAF.  There’s a steep dropoff between them and #3 Costa Rica, but still!  St. Nevis and Kitts are #13 in the confederation, FIFA #126.

RESULT:   Jamaica   1-3

Image result for St. Nevis and Kitts relax

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches (4/24-26) – bring us Champions Leagueness!

Time for Midweek Madness!   OK, Noob doesn’t really think there’s any more madness Tuesday-Thursday than any other time.  But chicks dig alliteration.  I’m sure of it.

Tuesday, 4/24

  1. Liverpool vs. AS Roma – UEFA Champions League

The Semifinals are here!  These two both surprised world soccer giants last round to advance.  This is the first match of a two-legged tie.

Noobites, you can of course find all manner of highly-detailed previews on many sites.  Our purpose here is fun, learning/increased awareness, and packaged in zaniness many times.  But Noob will offer up one particular angle.

Footballdatabase.com appears to use the chess world’s ELO formula -or a modified version of it- to rate clubs.  I find it very accurate.  Today, these two rate as 1966 and 1872, respectively.  Think of, oh, borderline Grandmaster vs. very solid Expert.

So, based on evidence I’ve casually tracked since starting this site, Noob’s calling Liverpool not quite a 1.5 goal favorite today.  Take it to the bank!  (Of course, I don’t think soccer betting is run with point spreads, so maybe just stick it in an old mattress.)   (2:45 PM Eastern, FS 1)

RESULT:   Liverpool   5-2

Image result for elo rating formula

B.  Penn FC vs. Nashville FC – USL

Penn FC were Harrisburg City Islanders previously. This is not a new club, just a rebranding.  Nashville are an expansion club.

Penn did not win any of their first matches. Nashville is a .500 club so far, but Noob thinks they’ve been either lucky or gritty so far.   Penn gets their first W today.

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for brand B

 

 

Gotta be honest, Number B.  Not the most creative rebranding there.

 

 

 

Deeper Dive:  any of the three Copa Libertadores matches, Bulgarian FA Cup semifinal, China FA Cup matches, or either League of Ireland (not FA) Cup match.

Wednesday, 4/25

  1. Guadalajara vs. Toronto FC – CONCACAF Champions League

The Final!  Guadalajara took the first league in Canadia 1-2.  Toronto can’t just win 0-1 today in order to tie things up.  They’d lose on the away-goals tiebreaker.

Toronto have had a miserable start to their MLS season.  They’re out of gas.  The Guad Squad is going to get to put on a show.  Rather than just sit on the ball and milk their lead, this feels to Noob like a 3-0 rout.   (9:30 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Toronto 1-2 in regulation      But Guad wins the title 4-2 in pk’s.   Heartbreak for Toronto.  Guad should’ve been down a man to a red card much of the second half when one of their players punched a Toronto player right in the stomach, 10′ from a ref with a clear view.  Not even a foul called.

  1. Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid – UEFA Champions League

Two +2000 Grandmaster clubs.  Noob might’ve thought the winner will be a heavy favorite to take the title.  But Bayern didn’t completely dominate a Sevilla team that they should’ve in the Quarters.  And Real nearly blew a big lead to Juventus.

Bayern have been scoring – at least in league play – like gangbusters.  Noob’s calling this one as 3-1 for the home side, as they can control the pace at home.   (2:45 PM, FS1, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Real   1-2

Image result for grandmaster flash

 

 

Grandmaster Flash carried an ELO rating of a billion.

  1. Boca Juniors vs. Palmeiras – Copa Libertadores

South America’s version of Champions League continues its group stage.  The top two finishers from each Group of four will advance.

Boca are Argentina’s #1-ranked entry into this event.  Palmeiras are the #3 from Brazil.  Yet Palmeiras are the ones leading this Group, and by two over their hosts today.  They’d take a draw in a heartbeat.

Boca will look to push and play for the win, get more distance in the table over Atletico Junior of Colombia.   (8:45 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Palmeiras   0-2

  1. FC Tokyo vs. Sanfrecce Hiroshima – J1 League

The league season is almost ten games in, yet Noob wonders if this is the first Track-worthy match we’ve seen from Japan.

Hiroshima finished near the bottom of the table last year.  Now?  They’ve not lost once. FC Tokyo finished low enough last year that Noob thought perhaps they’d just been promoted from J2.  Even at #B, they trail FCT by nine in the table.

RESULT:   Tokyo   3-1

Image result for sanfrecce mascot

 

 

Hiroshima’s mascots striking poses

  1. Zlin vs. Jablonec – Czech FA Cup

There are many FA Cups matches being played around Europe today.  The Czech Cup semifinal today pits two teams from the #13 league in Europe, the highest ranking represented this week.

Zlin are in 9th in the league this year.  Given their awful GD, Noob’s not sure how they’ve managed even that.  They’ll get all they can handle from their 6th-place guests.

Aaaand then the winner will get smooshed by Slavia Prague in the Final.    And then they’ll pee their pants, the end.

RESULT:   Jablonec   0-1

Deeper Dive:  #3 Ranheim vs. #1 Brann, Norway Eliteserien; #3 Maritzburg United vs. #1 Mamelodi Sundowns, South Africa Premier; #2 Suwon Bluewings vs. #3 Gyeongnam FC, South Korea K1 League; #4 Prachuap vs. #3 Chiangrai United, Thai 1 League; any China FA Cup matches, Brazil FA Cup Round of 16 matches, or FA Cup semis from Bulgaria, Cyprus, or Denmark

Thursday, 4/26

  1. Arsenal vs. Atletico Madrid – Europa League

UEFA’s secondary continental tournament has reached its Semifinals.  This is the first match of a two-legged tie.

Arsenal better hope they get some sort of lift perhaps trying to win this thing as a tribute to now-departing manager Arsene Wenger, because Atletico is probably by far the strongest team remaining.  He’d been with the club over 20 years, but either gracefully stepped aside or was forced out less than a week ago.   (3:05 PM, FS1, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1     Atletico had a player and their manager kicked out 10 minutes into the match.  Arsenal still couldn’t take care of business.

Image result for arsene wenger sad face

  1. Lillestrom vs. Sarpsborg – Norway Super Cup

Super Cups usually happen right as the league season is beginning, pitting last year’s FA Cup champs against the defending league champs.  This one was delayed because of wintry conditions.  Shock me.

Lillestrom only finished 12th in league last year.  They qualified for this by beating Sarpsborg in the FA Cup final.  Sarpsurg has started a little slowly this season, but it’s very early.  Lillestrom – who host today – aren’t doing any better than in 2017.

RESULT:   Sarpsborg   0-1     Congrats!

  1. Al Ahly vs. El Zamalek – Egypt Premier

Noob ends the midweek Track honoring the champions of Africa’s #1 league.  With two matches to go, Al Ahly lead the next team up by a mind-boggling 21 points in the table.

Zamalek are in 3rd.  This is their final league match.  They can’t catch #B Ismaily for a Champions League berth, but they could themselves be passed by #4 Al Masry.  3rd place gets into the Confederations Cup, Africa’s version of Europa League.

RESULT:   Zamalek   1-2

Image result for mind boggling facts

 

OK, that’s mind-boggling

 

 

Deeper Dive:  any of the Copa Libertadores matches; Denmark’s FA Cup semifinal; #B Partizan vs. #4 Radnicki, Serbia Superliga, #3 Hapoel Katamon Jerusalem vs. #1 Hapoel Tel Aviv, Israel Leumit Liga (second-tier)

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (4/21) – MLS, UEFA leagues, bad Zlatan-wear

The ten most important matches for us, the newish American fans.  Things go from important to absolutely paramount in Europe when the seasons are hitting their climaxes.

Before we get to those – ‘Muricuh!

  1. L.A. Galaxy vs. Atlanta United – MLS

What a different a year can make!   The talk if the league is the Galaxy’s signing of international megastar striker Zlatan Ibrahimovich, but it’s actually their defense that has that #B in the West.

Atlanta United will test that defense.  They’re #3 in the tougher Eastern Conference.  The game kicks off 9:00 PM Eastern on NBA League Pass 6.

RESULT:   ATL   0-2

Image result for zlatan odd

 

 

Now that he’s in L.A., I guess he can stop wearing crazy lady’s gift sweater.

B.  Columbus Crew vs. New England Revolution – MLS

Your Major League Soccer undercard pits the #4 team in the East against #3.  The Revs have improved their defense after missing the playoffs last season.  They’d been on quite a roll until getting skunked at home by Dallas.

Columbus have been skunkier though, not scoring in consecutive matches and losing three straight.  But they’ve been creating chances, getting a little unlikely hitting wood repeatedly.  Noob strongly feels the Crew will right their ship today.   (7:30 PM, NBA League Pass 7)

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for letter B skunk

 

 

 

Number B, about to learn a hard lesson about skunkiness.

  1. North Carolina Courage vs. Utah Royals – NWSL

The good news for expansion Utah – they’ve only allowed two goals in three matches.  The bad news – they’ve only scored once.  The worse news – they travel to defending regular season champions Courage today.   (3:30 PM, Lifetime)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Necaxa vs. UANL Tigres – Liga MX

Tigres are tied for 3rd with just three Clausura (second half-season) matches to go, but they have yet to secure a top-eight, postseason Liguilla spot.  Tigres are part of a three-way tie for 9th place, just a point shy of 8th.

Neither team gives up many goals.  If you like defense, this one is available to ogle at 10:00 PM on ESPN Deportes.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Mexican defense

 

 

The Mexican Hornet Defense.

Really, it’s called that.

  1. Manchester United vs. Tottenham Sir Topham Hatt Hotspur – FA Cup

Noob-reviled, traitorously-named Hotspur face off against Man Utd in the Semifunal, at Wembley (neutral). Man U’s  slight edge on defense  should make them a winner today.  (12:15 PM, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   Man U   2-1

  1. Barcelona vs. Sevilla – Copa del Rey

It’s the Final!  Sevilla have had a tremendous run in Spain’s FA Cup, especially given that they’re only in 7th in La Liga.  That run ends today in Madrid, and won’t end well for them.  Barcelona have yet to lose a league match all year.  Barca by two feels right.   (3:30 PM, ESPNEWS)

RESULT:   Barca   5-0

Image result for copa del rey trophy 2018

  1. RB Leipzig vs. 1899 Hoffenheim – Bundesliga

With four matches to go, that is also the number of points by which Leipzig trail 4th place Borussia Dortmund for the league’s last Champions League invite.  Hoffenheim (and Frankfurt) in turn only trail Leipzig by a point.

Leipzig are hardly falling apart, but Hoffenheim are peaking at the perfect time.  They’ve not lost in seven straight matches.  If they can push the ball today, a pivotal road win should be in their grasp.   (9:30 AM, Fox Soccer Plus)

RESULT:   Hoffenheim   2-5     Hoffenheim move into 5th

  1. SPAL 2013 vs. AS Roma – Serie A

Roma, Lazio, and Inter – one’s not going to Champions League.  The race for the last two of the four CL slot Italy is tight and then some.  Roma and Lazio are tied, with Inter lurking just a point behind.

SPAL are only one slot above the Relegation Zone, so they are not without a reason to fight.  They can’t score in general, and they’re unlikely to against defensive juggernaut Roma.   (9:00 AM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:  Roma 0-3

Image result for SPAL meme

 

 

Meaning?  No clue.

Terrified?  You betcha.

  1. Shakhtar Donetsk vs. Vorskla – Ukraine Premier

This the #8 league in Europe, a real rising power, getting two CL berths this year.  They’ve replaced Poland as Noob’s under-the-radar league to watch.

Shakhtar are the goal-scoring giant here.  Vorskla are in 3rd, and have overachieved in getting there.  They won’t score today, get run roughshod over.

RESULT:   S.D.   4-2

  1. Phoenix Rising vs. Swope Park Rangers – USL

Noob loves him some second-tier footyball.  On the weekend, though, usually their matches give way to top-flight leagues.  I’d scouted a sweet UAE match with which to finish today’s Track, but Al Nasr has since fallen out of the top quarter of their league table.  Denied!

These both made the playoffs last year.  Just a handful of games into this season, they’re in position again.  That said, Rangers appear to have fallen off defensively.  A lot.  Noobstradamus says Phoenix’s offensive will finally break out, net them a 3-1 win today.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

Phoenix Rising are about to get hot.  But it’ll be a dry heat.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Midweek Edition, 3/27-29

Noob will have more on these first five matches of the Midweek soon, plus the other five.

  1. USA vs. Paraguay – international friendly

FIFA-ranked 25th and 30th best teams, just kicking it around.  American man’s national team still has an interim manager in place, having fired Bruce Arena after the U.S. failed to qualify for World Cup.  Paraguay missed out as well.  (7:30 PM Eastern, FS1, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   USA   1-0    U.S. penalty kick at end of first half is the winner

Image result for freedom funny

 

 

 

Muricuh!!

 

 

 

B.  Mexico vs. Croatia – international friendly

These two qualified for World Cup, so this is a tuneup for both.  They’re ranked #17 and #15 in the world.  (10:00 PM, FS1, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Croatia   0-1

Image result for letter B friendly

 

 

The friendliest Number B of all

3.  England vs. Italy

#16 and #14 face off in what, still shockingly, is only a WC warmup for the hosts.  Italy hadn’t failed to qualify in like a half century or so.  (3:00 PM, Fs1, Fox Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1    Italy scored the late equalizer after a penalty was called via use of VAR (Video Assistant Referee)

  1. Athlone Town vs. UCD – League of Ireland Cup

The First Round of not-the-FA-Cup rolls on!  These two are both in Ireland’s second-tier league.  It’s very early, but University College Dublin are in 1st, Athlone Town last.

RESULT:   UCD   0-2

Image result for university college dublin football

 

UCD’s secret to success?  Water pitch.

  1. Peñarol vs. Danubio – Uruguay Premier

#1 hosts #4 here.   How is Danubio 4th?  They have nearly the worst offense in the league.

RESULT:   1-1

Wednesday, 3/28

6.  Seattle Sounders II vs. Fresno FC – USL

Welcome to the Track, expansion division two Fresno!  They opened with a loss at home to fellow expansion team Las Vegas Lights, then got a draw hosting LA Galaxy’s reserve side.  Their first road test comes against Seattle squad that likes to play wide open.

RESULT:   Fresno   0-1

Fresno FC.PNG

7.  Barcelona vs. Lyon – UEFA Women’s Champions League

This is the second leg of the Quarterfinall.  Defending champions Lyon got a late-ish goal to take a 2-1 lead at home in the first leg.

RESULT:   Lyon 0-1      On to the semifinals for the French

8.  Linkopings vs. Manchester City – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Man City lead the Finnish side 2-0 after the first leg.

RESULT:   Man City   3-5     They led 0-4 at the half

Image result for finnish soccer funny

 

Is this real?  Yes.

Is this Champions League?  Probably not.

9.  Chelsea vs. Montpelier – UEFA Women’s Champions League

Chelsea won in France 2-0 to start the tie.

RESULT:   Chelsea   3-1

Thursday, 3/29

10.  Vendsyssel vs. Esjberg – Denmark First Division

Another first-time Track visitor!  Like in many countries, the “first division” is the second-tier league, and so it is in Denmark.

Only the league champ will be automatically promoted into the country’s Super Liga.  The next two will have a playoffs, and that’s these two right now.  The race is very tight, and half the league is within ten points of 1st.

RESULT:   Vendsyssel   3-2     Esjberg equalized in the 86′ only to see Vendsyssel win it at 90′

Football efb logo.png

 

Critiquing crests is easy and cheap, but c’mon, EfB.  This looks like like a old- time-y ice cream shop sign.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (3/18) – All four of Europe’s top leagues repped

The ten most important matches for the newish American fan to follow.  It’s what Noob does.  I filter better than Brita.

  1. Dallas vs. Seattle Sounders – MLS

Dallas stumbled down the stretch last season and finished 7th in the Western Conference, just missing the playoffs.  Noob-reviled Seattle finished #B.  They did it with a top defense.  It’s a new season, sure, but Dallas needs to get on the board first, or it could be a long day.   (5:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6)

RESULT:   Dallas   3-0     And there was JOY

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Man, I really loathe you, Seattle!

B.  Wigan Athletic vs. Southampton – English FA Cup

Wigans’ defeat last round of Premier League titans Man City was the upset of the season worldwide.  The third-tier league side have to believe anything is possible now.  They get a comparatively manageable foe today.

Southampton are two leagues above Wigan and that should mean everything.  But will they even be putting all their energies into this tournament?   They’ve slipped into the Relegation Zone in Premier League, could not be blamed for saving starters for those matches.  (9:30 AM, FS2)

RESULT:   Southampton   0-2

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Number B’s taking it all in stride.

  1. Bethlehem Steel vs. Richmond Kickers – USL

Last year’s #8 hosts #14.  But it’s the one American division two game today.  And…

RESULT:   Bethlehem   4-1

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…the return of superfan Derek Zoolander!

  1. Marseille vs. Lyon – Ligue 1

This is Lyon’s last, best chance to make a move on a Champions League berth for next year.  The league has slipped in strength and now only gets three slots.  And Lyon is in 4th, by five points behind their hosts today.

RESULT:   Lyon   2-3     Lyon with the winner at 90′!

  1. RB Leipzig vs. Bayern Munich – Bundesliga

Maybe 6th-place Leipzig can hope the undisputed German champs will play a bunch of backups on the road today, rest up for their current Champions League run.   (1:00 PM, Univision Deportes)

RESULT:   Leipzig   2-1     They’re still in 6th, but now 4th and a C.L. berth is at least in sight.

  1. Villareal vs. Atletico Madrid – La Liga

It’s hard to imagine undefeated Barcelona suddenly going on a skid.  At eight points back, #B Atletico has to be hoping beyond hope for exactly that.

Villareal, meanwhile, are in a tight four-way race for three Europa League invites.  They’re probably the best of those four, but that doesn’t mean they can’t lose this game of Spanish musical chairs.   (1:30 PM, beIN Sports en Español).

RESULT:   Villareal  2-1      Winner at 90′ + 2!!

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Musical Chairs – to the death!!

 

  1. Sampdoria vs. Inter Milan – Serie A

5th-place Inter Milan have played one less game than 4th-place Lazio, and trail them by just a point in the table.  That’s the last spot for a Champions League berth.

Noobstradamus prognosticates they will not play for a mere draw, even on the road against a tough 7th-place Sampdoria side trying to qualify for the next Europa League.  The hosts like to play a wide open game, and Inter would be better off trying to beat them at it than slowing things down.  2-3 is the score of the predestined shootout.   (7:30 AM, Rai Italia)

RESULT:   Inter Milan   0-5    Well, I had the number of goals and winner right.   Not a total bed-crapping.

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barba fluente, niente pantaloni

  1. Saprissa vs. Herediano – Costa Rica Premier

Alajuense took over the Clausura (second half-season) lead with their win yesterday.  But Saprissa and Herediano are just one and two points back, respectively.  There are just a few games to go, so better believe the league leaders are hoping for a draw in this match.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Apollon Limassol vs. APOEL Limassol – Cypriot First Division

Tied for 1st in Cyprus!  This league has already separated into its Championship and Relegation halves.  Apollon lead by virtue of greater head-to-head goal differential, but the odds of that mattering by the end seem low.

RESULT:   Apollon   4-2

  1. Cluj vs. FCSB – Romania Liga I

In Romania, too, they have divided into their league two halves now.

These two were just four points apart in the table when the regular season ended.  Before starting the Championship part of their season, the points they’ve all earned are halved (and then rounded up), so now these two are even closer.  #1 and league’s best defense hosts #B, league’s best offense.  Classic.

RESULT:   1-1

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Noob had not known TV classic Beverly Hillbillies  was remade for a Romanian audience.