Tag: World Cup

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – plus World Cup schtuff

It’s Monday, embrace the suckitude!

We start with some World Cup matches, then feature our traditional Monday Relegation games.  And Noob’s had fun delving deep  into league scheds around the globe to make sure today is chock full of matchups involving teams about to get the Boot.  Let us ogle and celebrate them!

  1. Iceland vs. Slovenia – women’s World Cup qualification (UEFA)

Reminder:  Seven Group of five.  Only the top finisher in each automatically qualifies for World Cup.  The top four in the #B finishers’ table will have a playoff for one final WC berth.

FIFA #19 Iceland trail Germany by just two points for 1st place, and they’ve played one less match.  Czech Republic – six points behind Iceland – are the only other team that could still crack the top two.  #62 Slovenia is eliminated, as are Faroe Islands.  The latter have yet to score in this event and have given up 41 goals.  Mommy.

Noobstradamus is back in action, prognosticating for YOU.  Iceland 4-0 in an utter rout.   Find your bookies, Noobites!  Cash on the barrelhead.

RESULT:   Iceland   2-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

 

When sports gambling is legal in every U.S. state, I’m winning a bazillion dollars, buying this website, and dancing around the flames I set to it.

B.  Belgium vs. Costa Rica – friendly

Belgium is the third-ranked men’s national team in the world, a quiet dark horse to make a deep run at World Cup.  They’ve kept four clean sheets in a row.  But all their friendlies going back to October have been at home.  And they have the occasional weird hiccup, like letting Bosnia & Herzegovina and Mexico score three times each.

#23 Costa Rica needs some success heading into Russia.  They’re only wins in recent are against fairly-weak Scotland and Northern Ireland.  Noob’s chosen them for his CONCACAF team for which to cheer.  I more than suspect they will be gone after the Group Stage, leaving Noob a soccer-supporting, port-less boat in a storm.  Or something.   (2:45 PM Eastern, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Belgium   4-1

Image result for letter B storm

 

 

 

But Number B is the storm!

  1. South Korea vs Senegal – friendly

#57 South Korea managed a home draw against Bolivia in their most recent friendly.  Might be the last success they see in a while.  Senegal is headed to Russia as well, but haven’t been testing themselves against very highly-ranked competition.  They need to prove to themselves they can score against this weaker S.K. side, because they haven’t against much of anyone else.

RESULT:   Senegal   2-0     Turns out the game was in Senegal

  1. Smolevichy vs. Gorodeya – Belarus Premier

#27 of 55, a perfectly good, fine and average European league.  We need to see more of them here.

Two of the 16 teams in this league will be Relegated.  10 matches into the season, there’s a five-way tie for last.  Three of them are even tied on goal differential and these are two of them.  Gorodeya occupies last place by virtue of some other tiebreaker, Smolevichy 14th.

RESULT:   Smolevichy   2-0

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Church of Jospeh, Haradzeya (home of FC Gorodeya)

pop. not much over 4,000.

  1. Naft Matsan vs. Zakho – Iraq Premier

Iraq is considered to be just outside the top 10 of Asian leagues.  Based on clubs’ performance in international matches, they’re likely to drop some next year.

Zakho are in last with six league matches to go, all but set to be demoted to second-tier Iraqi Division 1.  Their plight is made worse by their having been docked three points in the table for a player-pay issue.  No offense sure ain’t helping.  Naft Matsan are in 11th.

Fun Fact:   Zakho is believed to have been founded on a small island surrounded on all sides by the Little Khabur River.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Kedus Giorgis vs. Woldya Kenema – Ethiopia Premier

Three teams of these 16 will get The Boot after six more matches.  Woldya are in last, yet only six points from daylight.  But it’s #3 “Saint George” they’re visiting.  Woldya doesn’t appear to have nearly the offense to climb out of trouble.

RESULT:   St. George   3-1

Image result for Biblical solomon ethiopia

 

 

Weldiya is in the Amhar region, where they claim to descend from the Biblical Solomon.

  1. Qizilqum vs. Sogdiana – Uzbekistan Super League

Uzbekistan is a top-ten Asian league and climbing.  These two likely haven’t been helping that cause, though, as they are 10th and 11th of the dozen league clubs.

Last year, five clubs were Relegated.  This year, Noob’s sources are unclear on how many will go down, but they agree that there is some sort of Relegation Round for the bottom six.  The season’s is not quite twelve games in, so they’re plenty of time for either to improve their place in the table.

Fun Fact:  Sogdiana is named for the ancient Iranian civilization of that name.

RESULT:   Qizilqum   2-0

  1. Taraz vs. Kaspiy – Kazakhstan First Division

Here’s where we start to have to dig a little deeper in the world league scheds to find Relegation sadness to celebrate.

Like Belarus, the Kazakh top league is right in the middle strength-wise in Europe.  Here, we delve into that country’s second division.

Just one team will get Relegated from this league, and so far that team looks to be Kaspiy.  They and Aktobe Jas are well behind the pack.  Kaspiy’s offense appears to be good enough to compete well enough with other lower-half league teams, but they carry the worst defense.  #B Taraz can easily handle them on their own pitch.

RESULT:   Taraz   4-0

Image result for Aktau kazakhstan block

 

Aktau (Kaspiy’s home city) doesn’t use street names, just three-number addresses.

  1. Tallinna Kalev II vs. Flora II – Estonia Esiliiga

Oh Estonia, you make Noob swoon!   Top division – Meisttrliiga.  Second division – Esiliiga.  Your double i’s shine like no diamond ever could.

Noob’s not sure about the visiting side here, but TK’s squad is an under-21 bunch.  Currently they’re in 8th place.  Whichever club finishes in that position will have to win a playoff against a third-division team for the right to stay up. Flora II is #B.

Fun Fact:   Noob is and will always be enamored with ii.  Just search the site to see my many odes to ii.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Varketili vs. Matchakhela – Georgia Liga III

Georgian third division footyball is back on the Track!   Play your sad sack teams in Mondays, you get on Noob, plain and simple.

Not sure how many teams get booted out of this league annually, but the entire bottom half (ten) will participate in a Relegation Playout event.  These two have little chance of climbing into the top half, what being in 18th and last, respectively.  Varketili can’t play D, and that D is excellent compared to Matchkhela’s O.

Image result for sulfur bath tbilisi

 

So long from Tbilisi – “warm location” named for its sulfuric hot spring baths

’10 to track’ Weekend Edition soccer matches (6/9-10) – so much ‘Muricuh!

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – have red, white and blue all over them this weekend.  Both US Nationals teams are in play, and there are a hot bunch of league matches stateside.   Ogle the previews with a hand over your Noobite heart.

  1. France vs. U.S.A. – friendly

The USMNT has scheduled themselves a nice little sequence for the late spring and early summer.  Bolivia was a team they should beat, Ireland then was a team with whom they were roughly on par, and now they get a severe test with #7 FIFA-ranked France.

Bolivia they beat, Ireland was a close but competitive loss.  And all this is colored by the fact that they’re playing many younger guys since they didn’t qualify for World Cup.  Meanwhile, France will likely be playing their WC starting lineup, tuning up for the start in Russia in a few days.   (3:00 PM Eastern, ESPN)

RESULT:   1-1     Not at all bad for basically an American U23 side

Image result for way too America funny

 

 

 

Muricuh!!

 

B.  Northern Cyprus vs. Karpatalja – ConIFA World Cup

The Final!  Search keyword “ConIFA” on the front page of this site hit the last few posts that have mentioned this organization and event.  The first one will have more detail, though you can also visit ConIFA.org.

After a first Knockout round blowout of host organization Barawa (8-0), Padania gave them all they could handle before succumbing 2-3.  Late fill-in entrant Karpatalja have surprised and then some.  They beat Szekely Land 4-2 to earn their shot at the hardware.

This event as been so exciting for me to follow.  In my endeavor to learn more about the soccer world, this event has led me to learn a lot more about the world in general.  Noob and Noobite we may be, but we may end up more learned than veteran fans.

RESULT:   Karpatalja   0-0  /  3-2 pk     The Turkish nationals and emigrants almost certainly made it a home field advantage for Northern Cypress, but late fill-in entrant Karpatalja is your champion – congrats!

Image result for letter B is best

 

 

Number B gives the finalists and all ConIFA his approval!

  1. NYCFC vs. Atlanta United – MLS

#B hosts #1 in the oh-so-tough Eastern Conference.

NYCFC is coming off a harrowing loss to New York Red Bulls in the U.S. Open Cup – a 4-0 drubbing.  Atlanta, too, has been a little up and down in recent matches.  But they took care of business against USL’s Richmond in the Cup and got a solid enough win over Philly at home before that.

Oddly, both have struggled at home, at least compared to what one might expect.  Could that actually mean advantage: Atlanta?  (12:30 PM, ESPN+, Fox Sports Southwest)

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Columbus Crew vs. New York Red Bulls – MLS

As solid a season as they’re having, the big story with the Crew is still whether or not their owner is moving them to Austin.  The most recent word was surprisingly a nudge in favor of them staying on Ohio.  The owner wants a bunch of money spent by Austin and folks there aren’t looking ready to pony up.

The Crew are in 3rd, hosting #4 NYRB.  Columbus hasn’t lost since April but a lot of draws (including three straight) have kept them from the top of the table.   (5:00 PM, ESPN)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for funny Columbus Crew fans

 

Bandito kerchief-wearing, wrong-color Iron Man says the Crew should stay in Columbus.

  1. Portland Timbers vs. Sporting Kansas City – MLS

Now we head out West to see two scalding-hot sides, #’s 5 and 1 in the table.  Neither have lost in about two months.  Both find success riding their defenses, so this may not be the most exciting match for we laypeople to watch live, but it will be an important one nonetheless.   (3:30 PM, ESPN+, ROOT Sports Northwest)

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Denmark vs. Mexico – friendly

More World Cup calisthenics!  FIFA-ranked #12 hots #15.

it’s weird to read and hear from so many pundits and personalities in media that rooting for Mexico in the World Cup as an American is a bad thing.  Noob says anything that gets us watching – whether cheering for or against Mexico – is a very good thing.

Me?  Costa Rica.  Why?  Other than they’re in CONCACAF, not sure.  Maybe it’s because they’re right next to the US world ranking.   (2:00 PM, Univision)

RESULT:   Denmark   2-0

Image result for costa rica funny

 

 

 

Thanks?

  1. Sacramento Republic vs. Phoenix Rising – USL

Tied for #B.  We need more Number B!

In the West, everyone is chasing Noob-dreaded “royal”/Real Monarchs SLC.  Phoenix looks like the far more likely candidate to make a push.  They have the top offense in the conference, and that’s really saying something when one considers Reno (record-breaking O last year).

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Atletico Nacional vs. Tolima – Colombia Premier

The Apertura (first half-season) Final, the second leg!

Atletico Nacional won the first match of this two-legged tie 0-1.  They won the Apertura regular season, had the best defense in the league, and were a mite better on offense than Tolima.  There’s not a lot of reason to think Tolima can make up a deficit on the road here.

RESULT:   Tolima   1-2      An Atletico player got a red card at the end of the game, and then Tolima scored the winning goal!   That made the aggregate 2-2, and then Tolima went on to win the title 2-4 in penalties. 

Image result for tiburon willy gif

 

Noob thinks the gal-mascot pertains to Tolima. 

Whether or no, good LAWD.

  1. Tunisia vs. Spain – friendly

#21 and Africa’s top-rated national team takes on the world #10 in a tuneup before they head to Russia

Spain may have only managed a draw against Switzerland, but those guys are a top-10 team themselves.  And it’s hard to forget how they ran absolutely roughshod over world power Argentina 6-1 the match before.

Tunisia continue to rack up non-losses. though the level of competition hasn’t been treeeemendous.

RESULT:   Spain   0-1

Sunday, 6/11

  1. Canadia vs. Germany – women’s friendly

Just a friendly, yes.  but these are the 3rd and 4th-ranked squads in the world.  Certainly a possible final or semifinal matchup preview.  The lofty number aside, neither has had much success against their peers of late, though Germany did beat the French side two attempts ago.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for Hamilton Ontario funny

 

 

So long from Hamilt– GAH!!!

*pees self*

’10 to Track’ Midweek Edition soccer matches (6/5-7) – ConIFA World Cup leads the way

Noob will dole out the Midweek featured matches piecemeal, day by day.  The footyball, it teases you, Noobites.  Tantalizes.

To learn a bit more about ConIFA, scroll down the last couple three posts.  Or visit them at ConIFA.org.

Tuesday

  1. Karpatalja vs. Cascadia – ConIFA World Cup

Karpatalja didn’t initially qualify for the event, but ended up replacing late dropout Feldivek (from Romania, representing the Hungarian minority there).  Yet they won their Group, finishing ahead of good Northern Cypress and Abkhazia sides.

Karpatalja also represent a Hungarian minority, but in the Ukraine.  They are not ranked in the posted top thirteen.

RESULT:   Karpatalja   3-1     Cascadia isn’t done playing though, as teams which lose get moved down into what they call “placement matches”.   Nice that they may the knockout stage in their first-ever trip to WC.

Image result for Karpatalja football

 

 

Gotta be honest – the upright animal with the tongue out is creeping Noob out.

B.  Louisville FC vs. New England Revolution – U.S. Open Cup

‘Muricuh’s FA Cup has reached its Fourth Round, where the MLS big boys come out to play.

These are single Knockout matches, and USL’s reigning champ had the good fortune to draw their Major League team on their own pitch.  Noob thinks they’ll still be doing well to earn a draw at home over 90’+, send it to penalties.  The winner here takes on the winner of the New York Derby next — NYCFC vs. Red Bulls.

RESULT:   Louisville   3-2      Upset City!

Image result for Letter B playing

Number B has also come out to play.

Sneaky Number B — are you for the Cavs or Warriors?

 

 

Wedesnday

  1. New York Red Bulls vs. NYCFC – U.S. Open Cup

The return of the New York derby!  It’s quite possible one of these two will win the whole shebang.  They currently rank #4 and #B in the MLS Eastern Conferences.

NYRB had been on fire until a loss at New England Revolution in their last league match.  NYCYC have been more up and down of late, will need to keep their defense buttoned down to have a shot.  It’s been a bit suspect at times this year.

RESULT:   NYRB   4-0

  1. Houston Dynamo vs. NTX Rayados – U.S. Open Cup

Welcome back to the Track, NTX!   This is the one true remaining minnow left in the tournament, an amateur team out of the North Texas Premier League.

To get this far, NTX have beaten a couple of tier-four teams and one from the USL (the admittedly awful OKC energy).  Today, obviously, they take a big step up in competition.

Houston has lost two league matches in a row, and one to the woeful Impact from Montreal.  Still, the Rayados would be doing well to keep this within two goals.

RESULT:   HOU   5-0      NTX kept the match scoreless for the first half

 

Rayados celebrate their first goal against Wichita in the Third Round

  1. The Strongest vs. Jorge Wilstermann – Bolivia Premier

Es deja vú toda de neuvo.  The Apertura (first half-season) Final of home and away matches between these two ended in a 3-3 aggregate draw.  Instead of penalty kicks, they’re playing again!

This final Final match will be held at a neutral site, in Sucre.  JW were the stronger team (pun intended) during the regular season.  Hard not to see them as the favorite here.

RESULT:   JW   2-2  /  2-3  PK      Congrats to the champs!

  1. Johor Darul Ta’zim vs. Pahang – Malaysia Super League

A few days ago, we featured a 1-2 match from this league.  JDT were and are #1.  It was written here that then-#B Perak had been overachieving, and it is proving to be true.  It was also posted that Pahang were the real second-best team in the league, and now they’re there.  What Noobstradamus sees comes to pass, never doubt, heathen Noobites!

Still, no one scores on Johur.  They’re not losing at home to anyone.

RESULT:   JDT   1-0

Image result for noobstradamus

 

A Malaysian proverb says one should “not use an axe to embroider“.

I…lost my train of thought.  This doesn’t seem soccer-relevant now.  

 

Thursday

  1. USA vs. China – women’s friendly

‘Muricuh!!   #1!  USA!  Too many exclamation points!  The USWNT is already in for the 2019 WC by virtue of representing the host nation.

China are ranked #17 in the world, are about the 5th-best in Asia.  By finishing in the top three of the 2014 Asia Cup, they’ve already gained a berth for the final World Cup qualifying stage of the current version.  (Asia Cup is the WC qualifying determiner there.)   (9:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   USA   1-0

  1. Northern Cyprus vs. Padania – ConIFA World Cup

Semifinal action!  Northern Cyprus lambasted the host team – Barawa – 8-0 last round.  Padania topped Panjab 2-0.  Peruse posts from the last few days to learn more about this event, or hit ConIFA.org.

RESULT:   Northern Cyprus   3-2

Funny banana man in Northern Cypress restaurant is not worried about the #MeToo movement.  He’s gonna dance with whomever.

9.  Wales vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – women’s World Cup qualification (UEFA)

This tournament is in its second Group Stage.  35 teams have been divided into seven pods of five each.  They will play double round-robins in each.  The Group winners make the WC, while the top four second-best finishers will have a playoff for one more berth.

Wales is FIFA-ranked #34.  They’re #B in their Group, just two points behind England with three matches to play.  B&H are #57, are far enough back that they cannot win the Group.  They could still make second, but it’s going to require quite the run.

RESULT:   Wales   1-0

  1. England vs. Costa Rica – friendly

#13 hosts #25 in the World as they both prepare for World Cup.  England’s national team hasn’t lost in nearly a year, riding the back of their defense.  Still, for some reason, many a pundit doesn’t think they’ll make it out of the Group Stage in Russia.

Costa Rica has recently beaten Scotland and Northern Ireland, but lost to Tunisia in between.   They’re kinda-sorta Noob’s team to cheer for with the U.S. not in it.  Muricuhns are so torn on whether or not to root for rival Mexico, so why not the next-best CONCACAF side?   (3:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   England   2-0

Image result for Leeds England weirdos

 

 

 

So long from Leeds, West Yorkshire, England!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (6/4) – embrace the suckitude

Ah, Monday.  Why grumble over it?  Instead, Noob suggests embracing the dark feelings it brings and celebrating the suckitude.

League schedules run lighter after the weekend (very light, as will soon be demonstrated).  So let’s mix in some matches involving teams that are perhaps about to get Relegated, get to know some before they disappear into the mist of footyball irrelevance.

  1. Real Monarchs SLC vs. Rio Grande Valley Toros – USL

#1 and Noob-reviled RM SLC host #14 Toros in the only Division One or Two match in ‘Muricuh today.  Noob will pull for the Toros since nothing royal/”real” belongs in here, but their odds don’t look good.  RGV’s goal differential is almost even, but they don’t have the offense to keep up with the league’s best side.

RESULT:   SLC   2-0

Image result for revolt against monarchy funny

 

 

Not on Noob’s watch.

B.  Italy vs. Netherlands – friendly

FIFA-ranked #20 visits #19 in a battle of two of the best teams not to qualify for World Cup late this month.  As the match is being played in Turin, Noob’s guess is they’ll console each other over fine glasses of Borolo.   (2:45 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Barolo letter B

 

 

 

Number B stands for “the king of wine, the wine of kings”.

  1. Parana Clube vs. Fluminense – Brazil Serie A

Fluminense is in 9th.  The top seven will qualify for the next Copa Libertadores, South America’s version of Champions League.  The season is still young, but this feels about right for “the tricolor”.

But it’s Parana in second-to-last which has our real attention on a Monday.  Bottom four will be Relegated.  They are one of two clubs yet to net a single win.  Three goals scored in eight games is not going to get it done.   (7:00 PM, Premiere Futebol Clube)

RESULT:   Parana   2-1     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

  1. Hafnarfjordur vs. Keflavik – Iceland Urvalsfeild

Iceland’s top league is ranked just 35th in UEFA, sandwiched by Albania and Hungary.  The season here is even younger than in Brazil, but Keflavik have already taken over last place by going winless so far.  They’re no great shakes on D, but it’s their O that really lacks.  Hosts FH are #3.

Fun Fact:  Keflavik is named for a town that existed until 1994, when it merged with another to form Reykjanesbaer.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for keflavik

  1. Serbia vs. Chile – friendly

Chile is a top ten club in the world, yet failed to qualify for WC.  Noob’s thinking they’ll take it out on #35 Serbia, since that team is headed for Russia.  Serbia did notch a solid win against Nigeria in their most recent match.   (2:45 PM, beIN Sports En Español)

RESULT:   Chile   0-1

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Luqueño – Paraguay Premier

3 de Febrero is going to be a Monday fixture this summer.  They were just promoted up from Division Intermedia this year, and they’re going right back down.  Points earned per game average in the table determines who gets The Boot, and 3dF average not much more than half as much as the next-worst team.

Yet this might be a chance for a W!  Their visitors are in third to last in the Relegation table.

Fun Fact:   Cuidad del Este – 3dF’s home city, is also home to a massive number of Lebanese immigrants.

RESULT:   Luqueño   0-2

Image result for ciudad de Este mosque

 

 

Umar Ibn Al Khattab mosque is the largest mosque in Paraguay (as of 2015 anyway).

  1. Barbados vs. Belize – friendly

As you might imagine, neither of these national teams are headed to World Cup.  But it’s fun to get to know teams close to home, and these two are both in CONCACAF.  Full disclosure though, it also catches Noob’s eye because his next-door neighbors are from Belize.

They’re FIFA-ranked #158 and #169, respectively.  Belize finished last in their Group in the last Copa Centroamericano.  Barbados has never qualified for a major international competition.

RESULT:   0-0     (game was played yesterday)

  1. Persipura Jayapura vs. PSM Makassar – Indonesia Liga 1

PSM are deadlocked with Barito Putera for #1 in the league, which only gets one AFC Champions League berth.  #4 Persipura actually have a higher goal differential than any of the teams ahead of them.

Only 9 points separate 1st and last in this slightly below-average Asian league.  The title race is tighter than Meg Ryan’s face.

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Meg Ryan botox face

 

This feels mean, but let’s treat this as a PSA.

Botox.  Like with everything else in live, moderation is wise.

  1. Skjetten vs. Lillestrom II – Norway 3. Division

What could #10 be when #9 is a fourth-tier Norwegian match?  Hey, with so many of the “major” European leagues having concluded their seasons, Noob’s more than willing to dig as deeply as needed to find teams on the edge of getting kicked out of their leagues.

This league is divided into six divisions, presumably regionalized.  Four clubs will get Relegated and Skjetten is among those right now.  Their GD is really pretty ok, so they may flirt with climbing out of the Drop Zone.  More offense is they key for them.  Their guests today are in 3rd.

Fun Fact:   Skjetten the town had very bad gang problems for 15 years, until about 2007.  Just not something Noob thinks about with Norway.  

RESULT:   Skjetten   3-2       more Relegation Monday magic!

  1. Aragvi Dusheti vs. Bakhmaro – Georgia Liga III

Third division Georgian football?  You’re goldurn the-country-not-the-U.S.-state-right!  This country’s top-flight league is only ranked 45th of 55 in Europe.  These guys might not just be non-pros, they might have to pay to play.

The bottom half of this league are all marked as Relegation possibilities by one of Noob’s sources, so this has to be a Playoff situation when the time comes.  A.D. are in third-to-last.  Bakhmaro are #5, score nearly twice as much as their hosts.

Fun Fact:  Dusheti is the name of the currently existing town, while Aragvi is the name of the rebellious duchy that no longer exists in that same area.  They kept getting their butts kicked by the other Georgians.

RESULT:   Dusheti   3-1        a trifecta of Monday magnificence, another upset!

Image result for dusheti georgia

 

 

So long from the Ananuri Fortress, Dusheti, Georgia!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Sunday (6/3) – ConIFA World Cup rolls on, FIFA WC teams keep friendly-ing

The Track continues to pay homage to the ConIFA World Cup, featuring four of the eight matches today.   Your not imagining things, these teams are playing for the second straight day.  The timeframe for this event is really compact.

To learn a little about this event (and some of the other teams), scroll down to yesterday’s Track.

But don’t worry, FIFA afficionados!  The rest of the previews are MLS, NWSL, Bolvian final, and WC warmups.

  1. Tamil Eelam vs. Cascadia – ConIFA World Cup

Tamil Eelam are already guaranteed last place in Group A, cannot advance to the next stage.  Let’s get to know a touch about them before they head home from London.

The team is made up of players residing in Canada, Switzerland, and the U.K.  They are all Tamil (or perhaps of Tamil descent.  The Tamils are the indigenous population of Sri Lanka.  They would like to have their own country on the island nation, and in fact parts of it are under control of the Tamil Tigers political-military group.

RESULT:   Cascadia   0-6    They and Barawa advance out of Group A, both just beating Ellan Vannin (Isle of Man Manx team) on GD tiebreaker.

B.  Abkhazia vs. Northern Cypress – ConIFA World Cup

Abkhazia is a disputed state in northern Georgia.  Russia is one of the only countries that recognize it formally.  Georgia’s federal government considers it to only be an autonomous region within the nation.  Their representative football team is ranked 8th and they won this event in 2016.

RESULT:   2-2     Abkhazia nets the equalizer with a penalty at 90′, but it doesn’t save their tournament.  Northern Cypress and Karpatalja advance from Group B.

Image result for abkhazia football 2018

  1. Padania vs. Szekely Land – ConIFA World Cup

Szekely Land is an area within Romania that is populated predominately by the Szekelys – an ethnic subgroup of Hungarians.  There are movements there working to gain autonomy for the region.  Noob’s uncertain if this means they want an independent state or to still remain politically part of Romania.  Their team is ranked #5.

RESULT:   Padania   3-1     Both advance out of Group C.

  1. Western Armenia vs. Kabilya – ConIFA World Cup

Kabilya is a cultural and ethnic region of Algeria, in the north of the country.  There is a movement there for independence, which started many decades ago when the post-colonial, single-party governmental system was in place.  The Kabilye team is not ranked.

RESULT:   Western Armenia   4-0     They and Panjab advance from Group D.

Image result for kabilya football 2018

  1. Sporting Kansas City vs. Minnesota United – MLS

Red-hot FC Dallas have passed KC for #1 in the Western Conference.  Not that KC has been playing poorly – they’re unbeaten in their last four matches.  Minnesota are in 9th, yet not entirely out of the playoff picture (top six in conference).

If Minnesota are to make a move towards the postseason, they’ve got to crank up their offense.  19 year-old forward Christian Ramirez (“Superman”) led the team in scoring last year – the club’s first season.  He also leads this year, but that’s with just three goals.  He may need more help from current forward and former midlfielder (and much older, 28) Ethan Finlay.  (8:30 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   KC   4-1     So for now, they return to the top spot

  1. Seattle Reign vs. Orlando Pride – NWSL

North Carolina Courage are decimating the league.  The race is tight for the other three playoff spots, as six of the eight other clubs are within four points of one another.

#B Seattle only managed to split their last two matches, against two of the league’s least teams.  But they have the defense to take care of business at home against #3 Orlando.  (Boooo, Swamp-City!)

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for Swamp monster funny

 

 

 

Even this cute little swamp monster can’t make us cheer for Orlando

  1. Jorge Wilstermann vs. The Strongest – Bolivia Premier

The Final!   Bolivia’s Apertura (first half-season) is coming to a close.  These two have already played the first match of a two-legged tie to decide the champion.  The Strongest (such the douchebaggy name) won that 2-1.  JW are the far stronger offensive unit, should be able to come back and take hardware on their own pitch.

RESULT:   JW   2-1    Since the tie is even, they will play one more time, at a neutral stadium in Sucre on 6/6.

  1. Spain vs. Switzerland – friendly

Here’s a surprise – the Swiss national team actually holds the higher ranking between these two!   They are 6th to Spain’s 8th.  Both have qualified for World Cup.   (3:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   1-1

Image result for Swiss surprise

 

 

Noob’s daughter’s fave Swiss surprise

  1. Costa Rica vs. Northern Ireland – friendly

WC-bound and #25-ranked Costa Rica takes on FIFA #27 in this one.  Costa Rica and the U.S. are about even in league strength.  They’ve lost four of their last five matches, managing a win against only Scotland.

RESULT:   Costa Rica   3-0

  1. Brazil vs. Croatia – friendly

Here we get a peek at one of the favorites going into Russia in #B-ranked Brazil.  Croatia are no slouches at #18, are headed to WC as well.  They’ve been winning most of their matches – including their most recent, a win over Mexico. They’re playing it at Liverpool’s home stadium.   (10:00 AM, beIN Sports)

RESULT:   Brazil   2-0

Image result for Liverpool funnySo long from Anfield in Liverpool!  

The yellow and Where’s Waldo-clad supporters may or may not attend.

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Saturday (6/2) – ConIFA World Cup is on! Plus MLS, FIFA friendlies

The FIFA World Cup begins in less than two weeks.  You’re here, you knew.

But there’s another soccer organization in the world called ConIFA.  They are the Confederation of Independent Football Associations.  Smaller, newer nations, stateless peoples, diaspora, underrepresented minorities… check out ConIFA.org for more specifics.

16 teams are competing in London.  In this opening stage, four groups of four teams each play each other in a round-robin.  Top two finishers move on to the Knockout Stage.  Each team has played one game already, and the third games will follow in just a day or two.  This event moves fast, probably for cost-reasons.

Do these matches necessarily fit into Noob’s ‘ten most important matches’ mantra?  Arguably at best.  But though Noob and Noobite we may be, this space has always also been devoted to exploring soccer worldwide.  These teams and the areas they come from are fascinating.

We start the Track there.

  1. Barawa FA vs. Cascadia – ConIFA World Cup

So where and what is Cascadia?  The team consists of players from Oregon, Washington, and British Columbia.  The players are largely U.S. tier-four players and some that play several levels down the soccer pyramid in England.   They are unranked with ConIFA, though members.

There exists a Cascadia Independence movement for the three to become their own country.  Two of the big reasons are bioregionalism and not feeling best served by eastern federal governments.

Barawa is a city in southern Somalia.  Barawa FA however, represents the Somali diaspora in England.  The organization has as part if its mission developing football in Barawa city.  Noob doesn’t have the impression there’s any active movement regarding the Somali city and independence.  This team also has many players in intermediate and lowers levels in England.

Bawara is 11th in the organization world rankings.  They won their first match 4-0.  Cascadia is not ranked, lost their first match 1-4.

RESULT:  Cascadia   1-2

Image result for Cascadia soccer

 

 

 

Check out those awesome Cascadia soccer Doug-socks!

 B.  Panjab vs. Western Armenia – ConIFA World Cup

Panjab is a team representing the Punjabi diaspora in England.  They won their first match 8-0 and are the #1-ranked team in ConIFA.

Western Armenia refers to a region of eastern Turkey.  The indigenous people there were largely moved or exterminated a century ago roughly.  Armenia currently claims no rights to the region, but there is a revolutionary party there that would.  Their 10th-ranked side earned a draw against the excellent United Koreans of Japan team in their first match.

RESULT:  WA   0-1

Image result for Panjab London

  1. Northern Cyprus vs. Tibet – ConIFA World Cup

Northern Cyprus is considered – by other than Turkey – to be a de facto and puppet state.  All other nations regard the nation of Cyprus to be the whole island.  The Turkish military protects the Northern area.  FIFA member nations are not allowed to play them.  They are 3rd-ranked, yet only managed a draw in their first match against unranked and late fill-in team Karpatalja.

Tibet, well, you probably know a fair bit about Tibet and China.  If not, do some reading from a more specifically knowledgeable source than this old hack blogger.  It is interesting to note that some of the players live in exile due to the political situation.  They lost their first match 0-3, are ranked #13.

RESULT:  NC   3-1

  1. Padania vs. Tuvalu – ConIFA World Cup

Padania is considered by those who recognize it as the Po Valley in Italy, or a region of northern and some of central Italy.  There is a political party (Lega Nord) that favors independence, but the sentiment doesn’t seem to run strongly with most of the populace.  Their representative football team is ranked 2nd, comprised largely of fourth-division Italian players and below.  They won their first match 6-1.

Tuvalu has tried to get into FIFA, but the primary issue seems to be the lack of a single regulation pitch that meets standards.  They are ranked 33rd in ConIFA, lost their first match 0-4.

RESULT:  Padania 8-0

Image result for padania map

  1. Ireland vs. USA – friendly

Neither is going to World Cup, but it’s another chance to see how the young players on the USMNT can do.  Ireland just got housed by France a couple days ago.  The two are ranked #34 and #21 by FIFA.

RESULT:  Ireland   2-1

  1. Dallas vs. LAFC – MLS

#B hosts #3 in the West.  Dallas is tied with Sporting Kansas City for the conference’s best defense, while expansion LAFC is tied with KC for the second-best offense.  No wonder KC is #1…   Dallas haven’t lost since late April, while LAFC hasn’t won since early May.  They racked up all those goals early in the season.

RESULT:  Dallas   2-1

Image result for Dallas funny

 

 

Ummmm…..

  1. NYCFC vs. Orlando City – MLS

The Eastern Conference is finally seeing some justice.  Noob and The Management-reviled Swamp City Orlando has lost three straight!  Choke on ‘em, mice-men.  Bad urban planning is never rewarded.  They’re still in the playoff picture at #5 for now.  Hopefully #3 NYCFC can stop their own lesser struggles with a resounding W today.   (7:30 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 10)

RESULT:   NYC   3-0

  1. Mexico vs. Scotland – friendly

FIFA #15 Mexico has stepped up its level of opponents the last two matches, and it hasn’t gone so well.  They drew against Wales and lost to Croatia.  Scotland is ranked just 34th in the world, should represent a chance for “El Tri” to get a win and some confidence heading into Russia.   (9:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:  Mexico   1-0

Image result for Scottish hooligans funny

Relevant?  Not really.  Does Noob require relevance?  *bonnnnnggg*

  1. England vs. Nigeria – friendly

Many a pundit seem to think #13 England won’t even make it out of the World Cup group stage.  They can’t seem to score a lick, but their goal-defense is astounding.  They haven’t lost a match in their last seven.

Nigeria is WC-bound as well.  They’re ranked just 47th, have lost two of three as the tournament looms.  It appears they won’t have the offensive firepower to get out of the group stage.   (12:15 PM, Fox Deportes, Fox Soccer Plus)

RESULT:  England   2-1

  1. Johor Darul Ta’zim vs. Perak – Malaysia Super Liga

We conclude the Track with #1 vs. #B, as should be!  Does it matter that it’s from a league that’s not even quite in the top quarter of associations in Asia?  It does not.

JDT have opened up a seven-point lead in the table by virtue of an absolutely stifling defense.  They’ve allowed just five goals in a dozen games – twice as good as the next best.  Perak can put it in the net, but play only middling D.  3rd-place Pahang is better.  At home, JDT should take this by two goals.

RESULT:  Johor  2-0

Image result for Johor Bahru

 

 

So long from Johor Bahru!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Globetrotting Friday (6/1) – MLS, World Cup pre-matches lead the way

TGIGF!

The ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – spans the globe once again!  As always, we start close to home, then jetset off for important matches worldwide, plus find some hinterland footyball action in some corner of the globe.

  1. Colorado Rapids vs. Vancouver Whitecaps – MLS

Colorado are in last place in the West.   The issue isn’t their goalkeeping, as they have one of the all-time American greats in backstop Tim Howard.  They just can’t score.  They’re not Seattle Sounders-bad on offense, but not at all good.

Vancouver sits in 7th, just outside the playoff picture.   They may be about to get starting goalkeeper – New Zealander Stefan Marinovic – back from a knee injury that’s kept him out nearly all of May.  Backup Brian Rowe has been a disaster.   (9:00 PM Eastern, NBA League Pass 6, Altitude Sports)

RESULT   Vancouver   1-2

Image result for stefan marinovic whitecaps injury

 

 

We know, Stefan.  May’s been tough to watch.

B.  RoPS vs. HJK – Finland Veikkausliga

Defending league champs and #1 visits #B in match Number B.    This is how it should be.  if you enjoy European soccer, get to know the Laplandic leagues.  They’re going to be some of our main summer fare.  You know, outside World Cup, of course.

Fun Fact:   RoPS is infamous for its relatively recent history of being involved in match-fixing.  Some Singaporean jerk-o actually got two years in prison.

RESULT:   HJK   1-2

Image result for Finnish letter B

Number B, hanging out on the skin of Finnish fighter plane.

  1. Cork City vs. Waterford – League of Ireland Premier

Waterford had a brilliant and surprising start to their season, but are falling back from the top two now.  They did beat 4th-place Derry City in their most recent match.  But a week ago against the second-to-last club…Noob must express himself in rhyme.

Waterford lost to Limerick/ by a score to make anyone sick/ 3-6 at their place/ cover your face!/ Maybe poetry isn’t Noob’s shtik…

Fun Fact:  Waterford’s name seems redundant, but the first part actually comes from an Old Norse word for “ram”.

RESULT:   Cork   3-0

  1. France vs. Italy – friendly

You think the ‘Muricuhns are upset about missing out on the World Cup for the first time since 1986?  The Italians are having what will be a summer-long conniption.  They invented football.  The French side has looked good in wins against Russia and Ireland, both sides of the ball.   (3:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   3-1

Image result for angry italians funny

 

 

You would do well to embrace your pain, young one.

  1. Australia vs. Czech Republic – friendly

Australia are headed to WC, and this is a good match for them.  It won’t prepare them for the level of competition they’ll face most of the time in Russia, but they’re both ranked in the 40’s by FIFA.  Good competition that won’t overwhelm them.

RESULT:   Australia   4-0

  1. Tunisia vs. Turkey – friendly

Noob thought Egypt was up there, but Cup-bound Tunisia is far and away the best-ranked national side in Europe (#14).  They haven’t lost a match since at least last June, and eked out a draw a few days ago against a really strong Portugal side (ranked #4).  Turkey are #37.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for Tunisia abandoned Star Wars

 

 

Forgiveness will be long in coming over your abandonment of Star Wars sets, Tunisia.

  1. Egypt vs. Colombia – friendly

Speak of the devil!  Egypt is also heading to Russia, but they haven’t performed that well of late.  Just a week ago, they only managed a draw against Kuwait.  Kuwait!   FIFA-#146, exactly 100 spots lower.

Colombia are pretty average for a South American team, but still top-20 worldwide.  They won’t be facing a particularly tough Group to start at World Cup.  And they just notched an impressive win over France.  Expectations are rising.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. South Korea vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina – friendly

South Korea will have a much tougher time when WC play starts.  Germany, Mexico, even Sweden are all of a much higher quality.  B&H are about on par with Sweden, so this will give S.K. a taste of what they’ll face on the lower end.

RESULT:   B&H   1-3

Image result for South Korea trouble funny

 

 

 

 

Psy is more excited about this than his national team.

  1. Botswana vs. Mauritius – COSAFA Cup

Reminder:  This is a tournament for nations in southern Africa being hosted in South Africa.  The top six ranked participating teams got byes into the quarterfinals.  The other eight have been competing in two Groups of four each.  The two winners will advance.

Botswana lead their Group by a point over Mauritius and Angola as they all head into their third and final match of this stage.  Malawi was the highest-ranked of these four coming in, but they are out of the mix.

RESULT:   6-0

  1. US Forces Armees vs. Etoile Filante – Burkina Faso Premier

What Globetrotting Friday would be complete without heading off to at least one exotic locale for a league match?  This is not one of Africa’s better national leagues, but who cares!  Heading into the weekend, we’re about learning here.

AS Fonctionnaires have already wrapped up the title with two matches to go.  But the battle for #B is as tight as they come!   Etoile Filante lead two teams by just a point in the table and then two more by two points.  USFA is one of the latter.  Filante play the league’s best D.  USFA score well, but play no D at all just about.  Pace control decides this one today.

RESULT:   2-2

Image result for polokwane funny

 

So long from Polokwane, South Africa!

Home of the best ideas ever…

’10 to Track’ soccer matches Midweek Edition (5/29-31) – Top American leagues, World Cup calisthenics

The American league seasons are at about there 1/3 marks, things starting to feel more pressured.  National teams are warming up for the World Cup.  It’s going to be an extraordinary soccer summer!

The ten best matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game.  Perfect little previews, more than a little inanity – stroke them like a villain would his cat.  *purr*

(Note:  Enjoy Thursday off.  Play some ping pong or something.)

Tuesday, 5/29

  1. Portland Thorns vs. North Carolina Courage – NWSL

Jessica McDonald.  Crystal Alyssia Dunn.   Even at home, good luck stopping this high-scoring duo, Thorns.  They’ve got four goals apiece, which ties them both for 3rd in the league after ten matches.  NCC haven’t lost because no one can stop both.

Portland sit in in 4th place, and have won two straight matches.  But those wins have come against expansion Utah and lowly Houston.  Today is more than a step up in level.

RESULT:   NC   1-4

Image result for North Carolina Courage funny

 

 

“We are still undefeated and we are going OUT!”

B.  Real Monarchs SLC vs. Sacramento Republic – USL

The Western Conference and league leader hosts #4 Sacramento in your American undercard today.  RMSLC had won four in a row before losing to #B Portland II in their last match.

Sacramento have won two in a row.  The Republic may well be a playoff-caliber team, but Noob thinks they’ve overachieved to this point, have weaknesses on both sides of the ball that will cost them big today.

RESULT:   Monarchs   1-0

Image result for letter B exercise

 

 

 

Number B, consoling a young Sacramento fan.

  1. Panama vs. Northern Ireland – friendly

You might recall that it was Panama that claimed the final CONCACAF berth into World Cup ahead of ‘Muricuh.  They are the ranked just the 55th-best men’s national team in the world, and Panama is the smallest country by population to every qualify for WC.

Northern Ireland rank a surprising-to-Noob 27th, so this is a good tuneup match for Panama.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Peru vs. Scotland – friendly

World #11 hosts #44 in Peru’s warmup for WC.  Fans of South American football will be catching this on In Demand PPVHD (unpaid plug, just informational) at 9:00 PM Eastern.

RESULT:   Peru   2-0

Image result for sellout funny

 

 

 

Easy, cowboy!    Trying to get some sponsorship here.

  1. Argentina vs. Haiti – friendly

Srsly, Argentina?  (7:00 PM, beIN Sports)  And you can watch the carnage on the teevee.  Heaven help us.

Argentina, Noob has not picked a rooting interest for World Cup yet.  But if that happens, it won’t be you!  They’re not even in the top 100 in the world.  Pick on someone your own size.   Noob shakes his fist at you!

RESULT:    Argentina   4-0

Wedesnesday, 5/30

  1. New England Revolution vs. Atlanta United – MLS

New England are in 6th, which will be good for the last playoff berth at season’s end.  But there’s more than half the season to go, and the Rev have been fading in May.

Atlanta have lost two of three and fallen into a first-place tie with Columbus in the East.  The losses have come to a good Red Bulls side and the West’s #1 (KC).  But they were home matches.  Noob’s having a tough time reading this bunch.

If Atlanta are to get back into form, look for a big game from forward Josef Martinez.  He was a finalist for Newcomer of the Year in MLS last season.  The 25 year-old Venezuelan has scored eight goals, leads ATL.  Noob wonders if he’d be in a European league if he were more than 5’7”, about 150 lbs.

RESULT:   1-1      Josef Martinez did get a goal.  But the Rev made a penalty kick at 88′ to earn the draw.

Image result for Venezuelan football baby

 

Actual, current photo of Josef Martinez.

The Management:  I’m going to beat you.

*snortlaugh*

  1. Indy Eleven vs. Charleston Battery – USL

Indy Eleven have lost three straight matches.  Two were in the league, and one was to PDSL (fourth-tier) Mississippi Brilla, a Christian ministry team.

3rd-place Charleston haven’t allowed multiple goals in a single game all season.  They will be looking to kick Indy while they’re down, make a move on Cinci and Louisville in the East Division.

RESULT:   3-3    Both teams scored in the 90′.

  1. Austria vs. Russia – friendly

Russia hit the road for a World Cup tuneup.  They’re only the 66th-ranked team in the world, qualify as the host nation.  They are likely to get a tough lesson today in how things will go in the coming weeks.  Austria didn’t qualify for WC, but they’re the far better side, ranked #27 worldwide.

RESULT:   Austria   1-0

Image result for Russian soccer funny

 

 

It’s going to be a weird, wild World Cup.

  1. Japan vs. Ghana – friendly

WC warm-up.  Japan qualified, are ranked 60th in the world.  FIFA puts Ghana at 50th.  The visitors today had qualified for World Cup three straight times before missing this year.

RESULT:   Ghana   0-2

  1. Aluminij vs. Olimpija Ljubljana – Slovenia FA Cup

The Final!  Despite being listed second, this match is in Ljubljana.

O.L. won the Prva Liga, tying with Maribor on points, winning the title on head-to-head goals tiebreaker.  Now they play for the double against a weak Aluminij side.  They finished third-to-last in the league, just avoiding Relegation.

RESULT:   Ljubljana   1-6

Image result for ljubljana funny

 

 

So long from Ljubljana!

Where they know how to do stag parties proper…

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/28) – one lump of suckitude, or two?

With the World Cup well under a month away, get ready for an onslaught of national team-tuneups.  But don’t worry, Noobites!  Our Monday tradition of featuring teams about to be possibly Booted from their leagues still holds.

  1. U.S.A. vs. Bolivia – friendly

It’s not part of a tournament, and neither team is headed to the World Cup.  But it’s ‘Muricuh!

The teams are FIFA-ranked #24 and #57, respectively.  Not sure how much that will mean here.  Noob’s understanding is that a lot of young up-and-comers are going to get featured on the U.S. side.  Bolivia may well be doing similarly.  The match is yours at 6:30 PM, Eastern on FS1.

RESULT:   ‘Muricuh!   3-0

Image result for too patriotic

B.  Mexico vs. Wales – friendly

Now this is a World Cup tuneup for Mexico.  Wales was one of the stronger European teams to not qualify.  They are FIFA-ranked #15 and #21.   (9:00 PM, FS1)

RESULT:   0-0

Image result for letter B whale

 

Number B, the dragon is kind of the Welsh thing.  Not a whale

  1. Gaz Metan Medias vs. Juventus Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

For these two clubs, two matches to go in the Relegation Group in Romania. The bottom two will be auto-Booted.  #12 will get to play a Liga II team trying to displace them.

GMM are in 11th, one point up on Voluntari (who have played one more match already).  They’ve not lost in four consecutive matches, and beat J.B. 0-3 in their last meeting.  There’s no reason to think this one won’t play out much the same.  J.B. are awful, have last place sewn up already.

Fun Fact:   GMM are known as “the black wolves” and “the refinery workers”.  One is definitely cooler than the other, if more dangerous to have out on the pitch in a halftime show.

RESULTL:   GMM   3-0

  1. Poli Timisoara vs. Dinamo Bucaresti – Romania Liga I

Timisoara are in 13th, but could well still climb up to safety.  Hypothetically.  They’re only two points behind Voluntari.  Unfortunately for them, today they play the top team of this Group.  D.B. have won five straight matches, haven’t allowed a goal in the last four.

RESULT:   Dinamo   1-3

Image result for south park timmyFun Fact:   Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld are the halftime show for this match.

The Management:  No…

*bronx cheer*

  1. PSIS vs. Mitra Kukar – Indonesia Liga I

Welcome back, PSIS!   You’ve been featured here before.  Still in last place, Noob sees.  And only averaging one goal per match.  Ouch.  Mitra Kukar are maybe average.  PSIS could get a draw here, Noob suspects.

Fun Fact:   One of the PSIS main supporters groups is named “Snex”.  Which is totally going to mess with Noob’s Scrabble vocabulary.

RESULT:   PSIS   4-0     It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!  They climb into second-to-last place.   (Bottom three finishers will be Demoted.)

Now for some mini-previews of international friendlies —

  1. France vs. Ireland – friendly

France rank #7 worldwide, expect to make the Knockout Stage of the World Cup.  Ireland did not qualify, are ranked #31.   (3:00 PM, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   France   2-0

  1. Portugal vs. Tunisia – friendly

Both these teams made the WC.  Noob was surprised to discover how highly they’re both ranked, 4th and 14th.  Noob knew Tunisia was one of Africa’s best, but not that well-regarded.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. Italy vs. Saudi Arabia – friendly

Saudi Arabia are the lowest team in the world to have qualified for Russia.  They’re ranked just 67th in the world.  20th-ranked Italy were one of the biggest surprises of the qualifying competition for WC, not getting in.

RESULT:   Italy   2-1

  1. Qabala vs. Kesla – Azerbaijan FA Cup

The Final!   Noob is surprised to not find runaway league-winner Qarabag in this match, but they got knocked out in the Quarterfinals.  League #B Qabala hosts below-average Kesla.  The visitors will do well to keep this within a goal even.

RESULT:   Kesla   0-1     Shocking!  Congrats!

  1. Botswana vs. Angola – COSAFA Cup

This is a tournament put on by the Council of Southern Africa Football Associations, being put on in South Africa.  13 nations are competing.  The strongest five teams have received byes into the Knockout Stage.

This one is a Group Stage match in Polokwane (Pietersberg), the first of three.  Angola carry the higher CAF ranking, but Botswana has already earned enough points to join them in the continental top-18 when next year’s come out.  This should be a very even matchup.

RESULT:   Botswana   2-1

Image result for Polokwane funny

 

 

 

So long from South Africa!

’10 to Track’ soccer matches for Relegation Monday (5/14) – calling all suckitude!

Clubs are starting to drop like flies as many of UEFA league seasons come to an end.  But the Relegation fun never ends!  Let’s get to know some clubs here at their bitter ends.

But first, some matches of import for happier reasons!

  1. Fulham vs. Derby County – English Championship

League #6 Derby County took the first leg of this Promotion Playoff semifinal, 1-0.  But today, #3 Fulham have the home pitch advantage.  The winner advances to face either Aston Villa or Middlesbrough.  Look for Fulham to return to being the terror on offense today they were all league season.

RESULT:   Fulham   2-0   And so they advance!

Image result for work promotion funny

B.  Brondby vs. Midtjylland – Denmark Superliga

#1 vs. #B!

Three matches to go in Denmark.  Brondby lead by three in the table, so Midtjylland needs a result here or they’re essentially finished.  That’s not only for the title, but this league gets just one Champions League invite.  It’s worth nothing that Brondby haven’t lost since September.

RESULT:   Midtjylland   0-1    And now they’re tied!  (Well, Borndby still lead on tiebreaking goal differential.)

Image result for letter B gif

 

 

Number B is excited for an impending B-team title!

  1. Al Ahli vs. Al-Sadd – AFC Champions League

It’s the Round of 16 in Asian’s top event!  Qatari side Al-Sadd won the first leg 2-1.  UAE’s Al Ahli are the underdogs for this tie, and at home Noob thinks they’re only an even match.

RESULT:   2-2   Al-Sadd are on to the Quarters!

And now, the transition into the glorious suckitude!

  1. Karabukspor vs. Fenerbahce – Turkey Super Lig

This match does double duty, being important at both ends of the table.

Fenerbahce have made a remarkable climb back into the Champions League berth conversation with seven straight league wins.  This has them in 4th.  They’re not in title contention heading into this last match, but a win gives them a chance at #B.  But anything short of that, plus losses by both teams ahead of them, and it’s destination: Europa League.

Karabukspor, what can Noob say?  You earned fewer than half as many points as the team in second-to-last.  No shame, no judgement, but come back when you’re worthy.  Relegation.

RESULT:   Fenerbahce   0-7      not a typo

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Fun Fact:  Wheelchair basketball is one of the only three sports supported by Karabukspor’s club.

  1. Bray Wanderers vs. Waterford – League of Ireland Premier

Good night, but Bray are awful!   They’ve only earned points in three games this season.  That’s more than twice as bad as the next team up.  Giving up more than two goals per match will have that effect.  Waterford have had a super season, sitting in 3rd.

Fun Fact:  Bray Wanderers’ home supporter attendance averages just 300.

RESULT:   2-2

  1. 3 de Febrero vs. Deportivo Capiata – Paraguay Pro Division

3 de Febrero are going to go right back down to second division.  Hopefully they get souvenir t-shirts before they go, or some emblazoned Yeti cups.  Something.

RESULT:   3 de Febrero   3-0    It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

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Fun Fact:   3 de Febrero are named for the date of the national holiday of St. Blas (Blaise) Day.

  1. Slaven vs. NK Istra 1961 – Croatia First League

With two league matches remaining, the best Istra can do is tread water and remain in second-to-last place.  This means to play First League next year, they’d have to survive a Playoff against the #B second division club.  Currently they’re tied for last, but Cibalia only have one game left.  Slaven are in 7th.

Fun Fact:  Istra plays in a Roman arena on which construction first began in the year 27 B.C.

RESULT:   Slaven   1-0

  1. Kalmar FF vs. Sirius – Sweden Allsvenskanliga

They’re not quite ten games into this summer league’s season, but last-place Sirius aren’t even averaging a goal per game.

Kalmar are a surprise at 4th so far, having been very, very not-4th in 2017.  Noob’s expecting a breath-taking scoreless draw from these two.

RESULT:   Kalmar   1-0

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Noob knows crest-bashing isn’t high art but…

…them’s underwear.

  1. Pirin Blagoevgrad vs. Etar – Bulgaria First Pro League

Etar won the first Relegation Playout match 2-1.  The loser here will have to win two consecutive two-legged ties to remain in the top flight.  The winners only have to win one of their next two.

Fun Fact:   PB are “The Baby Eagles”.   Could we get some adult eagles in here?

RESULT:   Etar   0-1

  1. Gorica vs. ND Triglav – Slovenia Prva Liga

Last-place Trigalv’s hope of a road win today lies in that fact that mid-table Gorica might be unmotivated here at season’s end.  If they can climb just one spot, Gorica gets a chance to stay in the top tier league by defeating the second-place team from Slovenia’s Second League.

RESULT:  Triglav   0-2    Relegation Monday miracle number B on the day!

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So long from Kranj, Slovenia, home of the Orli (“Eagles”)!  Adult ones.