Tag: Zakho

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – World Cup, US Open, Isle of Sodor, and suckitude!

Since the FIFA World Cup is likely bringing fresh Noobite eyes to this humble site, allow Nob to explain:

On Mondays, world soccer schedules tend to be lighter than other times.  Stands to reason, given the weekend is heavy.  So the usual ‘ten most important matches to follow for us – the newish American fans of the global game – takes this turn:

A few top matches get featured, but we mostly embrace the suckitude, preview matches in which at least one club is in position to be Relegated to a lower league st season’s end.  Come, get to know some sad sack-squads before they fade away!

  1. Tunisia vs. England – FIFA World Cup

Welcome to Group G.  These two have been drawn with Belgium (the favorites) and Panama (very not favored).  This is the first match for these teams.  Reminder:  Round-robin in each Group, top two finishers advance.

The most likely drama in G is between these two for finishing behind Belgium and advancing to the Knockout Stage.  Tunisia is the top-ranked team out of Africa (FIFA #21).  England are tied for 12th with Denmark.

England have not won the World Cup since 1966, always seem to feel lots of pressure and then underperform in major tournaments.  This team isn’t as star-studded as some of the past, as they focus on a youth movement and defense.  What offense they do manage to produce will probably run through  Tottenham  Sir Toppem Hatt Hotspur star Harry Kane.  (Yes, Noob still loathes Hotspur — named for a historical traitor!)  Other star Marcus Rashford seems to be over his recent injury.

And there you have it, you’re water cooler chat-level mini-preview.  Be free!   Go search out more in-depth coverage should you desire, Noobites.  I’m doing so.   (2:00 PM Eastern, FS1)

RESULT:   England   1-2    Harry Kane with a brace (two goals)!

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You’re a poor man’s Ryan Gosling, Harry Kane.

 B.  Houston Dynamo vs. Minnesota United – U.S. Open Cup

The American FA Cup has reached its Round of 16.  Only one non-MLS team advanced this far, Sacramento Republic of the USL (and formerly NASL).

Here, we get two Western Conference clubs on the outside looking in right now for league postseason berths.  They’re in 7th and 9th place, respectively.  Dreaded Houston (down with cities built on swamps!) is much better than shown in the table so far though.  Mark Noob’s words:  They’ll not only make the playoffs, they’ll have home pitch advantage for at least one game.

Minnesota can’t score worth a lick.  They will be lambasted this Round of the Cup.

RESULT:   Houston   1-0

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Number B enjoys the Cup matches as a cup, of sorts.

  1. Glennock vs. Junction & Sheds – Isle of Sodor Cup

Noob’s exclusive coverage of the Isle of Sodor inaugural Cup returns!  Hello from the small village of Glennock, located well inland in the east-central portion of the country.  They are one of the four clubs to advance out of qualifiers that took place in the spring.  They will play in the third and bottom division of the Sodor football pyramid when everything launches this coming season.

The larger town of Knapford sends one of their two teams for battle today.  Talk Noob catches locally indicates J&S will probably be a lower midtable team in the coming Premier League.  They are the favorites to win Group F.

RESULT:   J&S   1-8     Kary Hanesworth scored for Glennock scored first, but after that it was all carnage

  1. Dinamo Minsk vs. Vitebsk – Belarus Premier

Belarus’ top league falls smack into the middle of UEFA’s associations rankings.  Usual powerhouse BATE Borisov have a wide lead built, given that they’re not halfway through their season.

The most likely club to possibly catch them appears to be #B Dinamo Minsk.  They’ve got the defense, but no one’s offense there measures up to BATE’s.  #4 Vitebsk isn’t many points further back, but they’re just not traditionally at the table’s top.

RESULT:   1-1

And now we embrace the suckitude with Relegation matches!

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Noob likes the crest, even if it does look like could be a brand logo on ice cream or something.

  1. Gomel vs. Smolevichy – Belarus Premier

Welcome back to the Track, Smolevichy!  They’re in an easier part of their schedule, as Noob recently featured them on a Monday playing another league bottom-feeder.

Talkin’ ‘bout you, Gomel.  Can’t score more than about a goal every three games on average, gonna get Relegated.  They’re in a three-way tie for the two Relegation spots now.  Still, this might be a gettable match for them.  Smolevichy plays small ball, so to speak, so this will be a low-scoring game.  First side to score – at all – wins.

Not-So-Fun Fact:  Gomel is close enough to Chernobyl that it was part of the radiation zone.  The population had been declining all the way until the early 2000’s.

RESULT:   Smoley   0-2

  1. Kyzylzhar Petropavlovsk vs. Shakhtar Karagandy – Kazakhstan Premier

My Scrabble dictionary just broke up with me for typing your club name.  Thanks, K.P.

The home side is tied for 10th, which would put them in a Playoff with a top second-division team trying to move up and usurp their place.  They also play so little defense, Noob’s not convinced they formally play a goalie.  Karagandy is in 8th.

Fun Fact:  Petropavl is named for the Christian apostles Peter and Paul

RESULT:   K.P.   1-0     Funner Fact:   It’s a Relegation Monday miracle!

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Fine, Noob will just rebound with a Bartlett’s Book of Quotations.

  1. Independiente de Valle vs. Deportivo Cuenca – Ecuador Serie A

8th place hosts second-to-last in our one South American stop today.  IdV is only 8th, but Cuenca…. maybe they could pool their money with Karagandy above and split a goalie’s services.   (8:15 PM, GOL TV)

RESULT:   IdV   3-1

  1. Notre Dame vs. BDF – Barbados Premier

When Noob Tweets his regular announcement promoting the Track, if you don’t think I’m not hashtagging Notre Dame, you’re crazy.

The top tier league in Barbados just expanded this season from a ten-team, single group affair to a divided, two-“zone”, 12-team league.   Noobs Barbados source indicates that the bottom two teams in each Zone are below a line.  It seems doubtful they’re giving a third of the league The Boot, so more likely is that the four clubs will have a mini-tournament to determine which one or two move down

If Notre Dame can kick their offense up a notch, they may overtake one of the two teams just ahead of them.  That won’t happen today though.  BDF is the Zone 2 leader by a billion miles.  Noob would handicap this match by granting ND four goals.

RESULT:   BDF   0-6     Not a typo.   At four goals, Noob didn’t handicap Notre Dame enough.  Yikes.

Fun Fact:   Notre Dame play on the south side of the capital, Bridgetown – which used to be called The Town of St. Michael.  The area parish still carries that name.

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Right, what she said.  Signed.  Whatever.

  1. Zakho vs. Naft – Iraq Premier

This is to Mondays in a row, Zakho.  In last by six points, Noob suspects you’ll be here enough I have to charge you rent.  Worse luck, you play the #4 and best defensive team in the league today.  Good luck with that.

Fun Fact:   “Zakho” might well mean either “victory” or “river of blood”, either likely stemming from an ancient Roman-Persian battle there.

RESULT:   Naft   0-2

  1. Shukura vs. WIT Georgia – Georgia Erovnuli Liga 2

Hey, Noob’s featured the third tier TWICE.  This is a step up in, er, toward relevance.

This league is strange.  Other than second-place Norchi Dinamo, every team here looks about the same on offense, statistically.  Last-place Shukura, however, seemingly enjoys just watching balls flutter by into their goal.  Only one team gets Dropped from this league at season’s end, and Shukura look like it by a wide berth.  #1 WIT Georgia will get the road W, riding their supreme defense.

Fun Fact:   Shukura are based in Kobuleti, a seaside resort town that’s super-popular with Armenian tourists.

RESULT:   1-1

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Were Noob not in Sodor, I’d be saying so long from Hotel Chveni Ezo in Kobleti.

’10 to Track’ Relegation Monday soccer matches – plus World Cup schtuff

It’s Monday, embrace the suckitude!

We start with some World Cup matches, then feature our traditional Monday Relegation games.  And Noob’s had fun delving deep  into league scheds around the globe to make sure today is chock full of matchups involving teams about to get the Boot.  Let us ogle and celebrate them!

  1. Iceland vs. Slovenia – women’s World Cup qualification (UEFA)

Reminder:  Seven Group of five.  Only the top finisher in each automatically qualifies for World Cup.  The top four in the #B finishers’ table will have a playoff for one final WC berth.

FIFA #19 Iceland trail Germany by just two points for 1st place, and they’ve played one less match.  Czech Republic – six points behind Iceland – are the only other team that could still crack the top two.  #62 Slovenia is eliminated, as are Faroe Islands.  The latter have yet to score in this event and have given up 41 goals.  Mommy.

Noobstradamus is back in action, prognosticating for YOU.  Iceland 4-0 in an utter rout.   Find your bookies, Noobites!  Cash on the barrelhead.

RESULT:   Iceland   2-0

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When sports gambling is legal in every U.S. state, I’m winning a bazillion dollars, buying this website, and dancing around the flames I set to it.

B.  Belgium vs. Costa Rica – friendly

Belgium is the third-ranked men’s national team in the world, a quiet dark horse to make a deep run at World Cup.  They’ve kept four clean sheets in a row.  But all their friendlies going back to October have been at home.  And they have the occasional weird hiccup, like letting Bosnia & Herzegovina and Mexico score three times each.

#23 Costa Rica needs some success heading into Russia.  They’re only wins in recent are against fairly-weak Scotland and Northern Ireland.  Noob’s chosen them for his CONCACAF team for which to cheer.  I more than suspect they will be gone after the Group Stage, leaving Noob a soccer-supporting, port-less boat in a storm.  Or something.   (2:45 PM Eastern, ESPN Deportes)

RESULT:   Belgium   4-1

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But Number B is the storm!

  1. South Korea vs Senegal – friendly

#57 South Korea managed a home draw against Bolivia in their most recent friendly.  Might be the last success they see in a while.  Senegal is headed to Russia as well, but haven’t been testing themselves against very highly-ranked competition.  They need to prove to themselves they can score against this weaker S.K. side, because they haven’t against much of anyone else.

RESULT:   Senegal   2-0     Turns out the game was in Senegal

  1. Smolevichy vs. Gorodeya – Belarus Premier

#27 of 55, a perfectly good, fine and average European league.  We need to see more of them here.

Two of the 16 teams in this league will be Relegated.  10 matches into the season, there’s a five-way tie for last.  Three of them are even tied on goal differential and these are two of them.  Gorodeya occupies last place by virtue of some other tiebreaker, Smolevichy 14th.

RESULT:   Smolevichy   2-0

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Church of Jospeh, Haradzeya (home of FC Gorodeya)

pop. not much over 4,000.

  1. Naft Matsan vs. Zakho – Iraq Premier

Iraq is considered to be just outside the top 10 of Asian leagues.  Based on clubs’ performance in international matches, they’re likely to drop some next year.

Zakho are in last with six league matches to go, all but set to be demoted to second-tier Iraqi Division 1.  Their plight is made worse by their having been docked three points in the table for a player-pay issue.  No offense sure ain’t helping.  Naft Matsan are in 11th.

Fun Fact:   Zakho is believed to have been founded on a small island surrounded on all sides by the Little Khabur River.

RESULT:   1-1

  1. Kedus Giorgis vs. Woldya Kenema – Ethiopia Premier

Three teams of these 16 will get The Boot after six more matches.  Woldya are in last, yet only six points from daylight.  But it’s #3 “Saint George” they’re visiting.  Woldya doesn’t appear to have nearly the offense to climb out of trouble.

RESULT:   St. George   3-1

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Weldiya is in the Amhar region, where they claim to descend from the Biblical Solomon.

  1. Qizilqum vs. Sogdiana – Uzbekistan Super League

Uzbekistan is a top-ten Asian league and climbing.  These two likely haven’t been helping that cause, though, as they are 10th and 11th of the dozen league clubs.

Last year, five clubs were Relegated.  This year, Noob’s sources are unclear on how many will go down, but they agree that there is some sort of Relegation Round for the bottom six.  The season’s is not quite twelve games in, so they’re plenty of time for either to improve their place in the table.

Fun Fact:  Sogdiana is named for the ancient Iranian civilization of that name.

RESULT:   Qizilqum   2-0

  1. Taraz vs. Kaspiy – Kazakhstan First Division

Here’s where we start to have to dig a little deeper in the world league scheds to find Relegation sadness to celebrate.

Like Belarus, the Kazakh top league is right in the middle strength-wise in Europe.  Here, we delve into that country’s second division.

Just one team will get Relegated from this league, and so far that team looks to be Kaspiy.  They and Aktobe Jas are well behind the pack.  Kaspiy’s offense appears to be good enough to compete well enough with other lower-half league teams, but they carry the worst defense.  #B Taraz can easily handle them on their own pitch.

RESULT:   Taraz   4-0

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Aktau (Kaspiy’s home city) doesn’t use street names, just three-number addresses.

  1. Tallinna Kalev II vs. Flora II – Estonia Esiliiga

Oh Estonia, you make Noob swoon!   Top division – Meisttrliiga.  Second division – Esiliiga.  Your double i’s shine like no diamond ever could.

Noob’s not sure about the visiting side here, but TK’s squad is an under-21 bunch.  Currently they’re in 8th place.  Whichever club finishes in that position will have to win a playoff against a third-division team for the right to stay up. Flora II is #B.

Fun Fact:   Noob is and will always be enamored with ii.  Just search the site to see my many odes to ii.

RESULT:   0-0

  1. Varketili vs. Matchakhela – Georgia Liga III

Georgian third division footyball is back on the Track!   Play your sad sack teams in Mondays, you get on Noob, plain and simple.

Not sure how many teams get booted out of this league annually, but the entire bottom half (ten) will participate in a Relegation Playout event.  These two have little chance of climbing into the top half, what being in 18th and last, respectively.  Varketili can’t play D, and that D is excellent compared to Matchkhela’s O.

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So long from Tbilisi – “warm location” named for its sulfuric hot spring baths